Alice and Steve (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

[church bells toll]
[Dom] Mum. Mum.
What are you doing here?
[Dom] I was, uh, looking for you.
Why? What's happened?
Nothing's happened.
You have to come with me.
[Alice] Where are we going?
[Dom] You'll see.
Uh, there's something wrong.
-There's nothing wrong.
-I know there's something going on.
Ooh, is it the wedding?
Is the wedding happening today?
Why won't you talk to me? Daniel.
Hi, hello.
I am here to announce
the recipient of
this year's best person award.
Drum roll, please.
And this year's best person is…
[gong bangs]
Alice.
-[cheering]
-["The Best" playing]
What the fuck?
Congratulations.
[Alice] Hey!
Hey, Bogna!
Hi. [speaks indistinctly] You look great.
-[Steve] I love you, Al.
-Kate!
Everyone you've ever met loves you.
-[chuckling]
-[people in church] We love you!
-Are you okay?
-Yep.
You look a bit… [sucks teeth]
Turns out I have absolutely
no control over anything.
I'm completely out of control.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Who knows?
[Steve] We're departing in five minutes.
Can everyone get back on the coach?
So if you need to go to the toilet…
Hey.
I think there's something
wrong with your mum.
[chuckles] Yeah. No shit.
[sighs]
I feel pretty weird being here.
Why?
Seriously, she took her best friend
to every single event
for our entire marriage.
It's my daughter's wedding,
and I can invite
my best friend if I want to.
I'm your best friend?
Yes.
That's kinda sad, Daniel.
-[shushes] It's not sad.
-Ow.
[Barry] No, that's fine.
He can't expect both of us
to be at all his weddings.
I said they can't expect us both
to be at all his weddings.
Yeah, have you fed the dog?
The dog!
You can't forget to feed
the bloody dog, Angela.
No. You're doing the dog,
I'm doing Steve and his bloody wedding.
[guests chattering]
-That you? Thank you.
-Yep. Thank you.
-[worker] No problem.
-Thanks.
Fancy. [chuckles]
-[Steve] Hello.
-Welcome to Cherwood Manor, sir.
Uh, I'm Steven and this is Izzy.
-She's also here.
-Hi.
Very good, sir. Uh, gift baskets have been
left in each of your guests' rooms.
-Oh.
-Once you've unpacked and settled in,
there'll be shooting
in the paddock at 2:00.
Shooting?
[butler] May I take your bag, madam?
You may.
[exhales deeply]
[sniffles]
[sniffs]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
Ah, this shotgun's buggered.
The aim's off.
All our guns
are perfectly calibrated, sir.
[Barry grumbles] That's as may be.
-[whispering]
-[chuckles] Okay.
[chuckles]
[gunshot]
Everybody knows that I love you ♪
Everybody knows that I need you ♪
Everybody knows that I do ♪
Except you ♪
I told the stars above
About the one I love ♪
I told the morning sun ♪
-Yeah, I'm telling everyone… ♪
-[urinating]
-…I told my mum and dad… ♪
-[shotgun cocks]
[yelps]
[breathes heavily]
[Steve] What the fuck was that?
[breathes heavily]
-[Izzy] You okay?
-[Barry] Did you think you saw
a snake there, son?
[Steve] I'm fine.
Takes after his mother, you see.
-A bit of a nervous Nelly.
-All good.
I'm, um, I'm fine.
Your mum just tried to shoot me.
What?
I was doing, a wee in the wood, and I…
and I turned around
and she was aiming her gun at me.
Shit, there might be
still some wee still on me.
Are you sure? [chuckles]
Yes. It's not the kind of thing I would
just casually accuse someone of doing.
Maybe it just looked like
she was aiming her gun at you--
She was definitely
aiming her gun directly at me.
Come. Here.
Tell her.
Tell her what happened in the…
what just happened in the wood.
What do you mean?
Did you or did you not aim your gun at me?
-Um… [chuckle]
-[gunshot]
Fucking hell.
-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Okay, she's gaslighting…
she's gaslighting me. She's ga…
Good. Good move, Alice.
[stammers] Wait, no. Mum,
you didn't aim your gun at him, did you?
-No.
-No?
[sighs] Okay. Silly me.
I must have mistakenly thought you aimed
your gun directly at my fucking head.
Ooh. Uh…
-Wow.
-[gunshot]
Fuck. [breathes heavily]
I think I'm gonna go and…
and try and relax.
And if I end up dead, it was your mother.
It was your mother.
Steve. Sorry. Sorry.
Steve, my mother isn't going to kill you.
It would be nice to feel like
you had my back,
-e-even just a little bit, Izzy.
-I…
Listen, I have your back. I do.
You don't… You don't believe me.
-Everything all right?
-[Steve] Yep.
Okay, what do you want me to say, Steve?
-That my mother is a murderer?
-[gunshot]
Shall we have her arrested
before or after the wedding?
I don't know. You could say…
You could say, "That must've been
very scary for you, Steve."
Or you could say,
"Sorry, my mum's a lunatic."
-She's your best friend.
-Was.
-And then she ruined my life.
-"Was."
She ruined your life?
This is your life ruined?
Oh. Okay. Right. No,
I didn't realise that I was
a part of your epic downfall.
-Thanks.
-[Alice] Are you sure?
Steve! Steve! Do you wanna borrow my gun?
She's doing it again. Turn around.
-Turn around now. Turn around.
-What?
She changed it.
Do you honestly think
I would lie about this?
I don't know.
[gunshot]
Shit, I should know if you would do that.
Right?
Why… Why don't I know
if you would do that?
I should know.
[stammers, sighs]
Oh.
What are we doing?
[inhales sharply] Oh…
Oh, God.
No. We… We're just…
We're both stressed, okay?
This is… This is no-normal.
I mean, normal-ish.
People… People argue at weddings,
and, um, you're right.
You're… you… you're right.
I… [inhales sharply]
…probably just
misunderstood the situation.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Totally sure. 100% sure.
I'm fine now. I'm fine now.
Stressed out.
I love you.
[exhales sharply] And remember,
this is the best weekend of our lives.
[exhales deeply] Yeah. We're okay.
We're okay.
-Yeah.
-We're okay.
Okay.
Okay?
Yeah.
[Steve] It's fine. We're both nervous.
-[sighs]
-This is normal.
This is normal.
[message sent notification]
[chattering]
How much you reckon
all this would have cost?
He's taken a step up
by coming over here. [chuckles]
Now, you look like a woman
that can cook a good roast, Val.
[chuckles]
The father's rather surprising.
-Mmm.
-[Steve clears throat]
Okay. Hi, everyone.
Thank you. Thank you over there.
Um, I have absolutely no idea
what one says at a rehearsal dinner.
-[guests laughing]
-So I'm just gonna say a few thank-yous.
First of all, to my dad.
Thank you for flying back again.
Yeah, too bloody far.
Well, you were in Europe already,
-looking at trains, so--
-Yeah, still too bloody far.
Yes. Yes.
Um… [clears throat]
Well, I am very excited for tomorrow.
[guest] Whoo!
I always thought Crosby
was going to be the love of my life,
but it turns out that
I love Izzy even more.
We all know that I'm basically
not good enough for you.
Hear, hear. [chuckles]
[Steve clears throat]
-[Steve] Um…
-It's fine.
Anyway, I-I just wanted to thank you…
[inquisitive music plays]
…thank you all for coming.
Um, I-Izzy, is there anyone
that I-I've forgotten to-to mention?
[guests chattering]
Bit of excitement.
[Alice chuckles]
The fuck are you doing here?
I think Alice might have invited him.
Uh, what would you like me to do?
Do you want me to throw him out?
Izzy?
[stammers] Um. Can I just…
Please.
Hello.
Thanks, Steve.
Uh, I just wanted to say
that becoming Izzy's dad
was the best decision I've ever made.
Izzy taught me about unconditional love.
-[chuckles]
-Um. I mean, it's v…
It's-It's very easy to love Izzy. She--
I don't know why he's speaking.
Steve's the father of the bride.
-[chokes]
-[guests gasping]
-[indistinct chattering]
-What the fuck?
-[chuckles]
-No, no.
-[gasps]
-No, no. No, no, no.
-What… What?
-N… No, no.
Okay, no, he's not your father. But you…
-you… you all thought he could be…
-[sighing]
-[Izzy] My God.
-…didn't you?
-That's fucked up.
-I can't. I just can't believe--
He's too old!
Do you ever stop?
Mothers don't stop.
When he's 80, you'll be w… a-almost 50.
What are you gonna do then?
You're gonna wipe his arse
and watch his life waste away?
What about when you're 40,
and he only wants to go on
short flights to Crete
because he's frightened of blood clots?
-I hate you. I hate you.
-I know!
I hate me too!
And you're a hypocrite, because Daniel
is ten years younger than you, Mum!
-Well, let's not--
-Yes and that's probably the reason
he's fucking her.
I… I'm sorry.
[Steve] Nice one, Al.
Thanks for making this easy.
[guests chattering]
Could someone play some
bloody music please!
Are you… Are you having a good time?
[Barry] At this rate,
there won't be a bloody wedding tomorrow.
[sighs]
[contemplative music plays]
[sighs]
[exhales deeply]
Okay. My family's messed up.
[sighs] It's kind of freeing
in a weird way, isn't it?
-[chuckles]
-What do you mean?
Like, we can literally do anything,
and it's not as bad as them.
True.
I just can't believe my family's gone.
I can be your family for a bit.
[chuckles]
Actually, I don't think that's gonna work.
W-Why not?
Because I'm not sure you're allowed
to have sex with your family.
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
["Where's Your Head At" playing]
-[exhales]
-Are you sure you want to do this, Son?
Yes. I am sure.
Oh, well, that's great.
It's just that in the past,
I know commitment's,
um, been a bit of an issue for ya.
No, it hasn't.
Oh, come on.
You travelled halfway around the world
to get away from me and your mother.
And we knew you never really loved Nancy.
But look, if you feel this is right,
then that's great. [chuckles]
Um…
But listen, um, I want to tell ya…
A wife is like a bathroom tile…
you lay her right first time,
she'll last forever.
[exhales deeply] I need to…
I need to get some air.
[exhales heavily]
[breathing heavily]
[sighs]
[breathing heavily]
[mischievous music plays]
[groans, grunts]
-Get off.
-[knocking]
-[Val] Alice, are you okay?
-[groans]
[Alice] Mum, I'm stuck. Mum--
-[grunts, groans]
-[Val gasps]
-[groaning]
-What's hap… What's happening?
-Oh.
-[sobs]
-I'm stuck. I can't get out.
-I'll just undo this zip.
-The zip… The zip's stuck.
-Oh. It's… It's stuck.
-The zip's stuck.
-It's… Yeah…Mum, it's stuck.
No, just… Hang on.
-Please hold it down, that should be easy.
-Just get it--
-Yeah… Oh, no, it's not. No. Oh, dear.
-Can't we just rip it?
-No, no. All right!
-Get it off me!
-I'm ripping it. [groaning]
-Rip it.
-Rip it.
-[groaning]
-Oh, dear.
-[sniffles]
-[sighs]
-Oh, dear.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm a terrible person.
You're not a terrible person.
Well, you're a little bit terrible.
Everyone's a little bit terrible.
[winces]
Izzy hates me.
Yes. But she also loves you.
Which is why we're in this mess.
You just love her too much, that's all.
It's the curse of being a mum.
I'm gonna die alone,
trapped in a dress I can't take off.
Well, snug dresses
never really suited you, dear.
["Desire" playing]
-What?
-I need to talk to you.
About what?
Izzy. Izzy!
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-Ooh.
This is gonna be a fucking shit show.
This is the best wedding
I have ever been to.
[sniffles] What if I've lost her for good?
She'll be back.
You all leave and you all come back,
one way and another.
[Alice sighs]
I'm… [sobs] …not ready to let her go.
[scoffs] No one ever is.
I miss her.
-It changes. That's all.
-[sniffles]
You won't lose her completely.
What if she's making a terrible mistake?
Well, I thought you were making
all the terrible mistakes going.
But it all turned out…
[inhales deeply] …okay.
And even if things do go wrong,
you will be there to help her fix it.
[sniffles] You can't fix having a baby.
She'll love it.
Just like you loved her and I love you.
And if she doesn't,
I'm sure one of those rich
American couples would probably take it.
-[chuckles, sniffles]
-[chuckles]
However hard things get,
there is always some happiness.
[sniffles]
-[chuckles]
-Love you, Mum.
Love you too.
[Alice sniffles, sighs]
Why are you here?
Because you want me to stop the wedding.
-[sighs] No, no, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
Why else would you text me saying
that you're getting married this weekend?
[sighs] That was a mistake.
You love me. And I love you.
-I don't.
-Yes, you do.
-No, I don't.
-You do.
Look, you love me
and I-I-I know you don't want to,
-but you do love me.
-Janis, I don't.
Well, that is a problem because I love you
and we're having a baby.
I love you without end.
[passionate music plays]
[gasps] No.
[Izzy sighs]
[exhales heavily]
-Oh, no.
-[chuckles]
Too cold.
-[chuckles]
-Shut up. [chuckles]
[Marni sighs]
It's-It's really, really irritating
having everyone think
I'm this other woman
when we haven't even fucked.
[sighs] I'm sorry about Alice.
-[sighs]
-Hey,
you know your problem, don't you?
No.
You are madly in love with your wife.
[breathing heavily]
[suspenseful music plays]
[both chuckle]
[sighs]
[Dom] Mum!
-What was that?
-[Dom] Mum! Mum!
-Mum! Mum!
-Help! Help!
-[stammers] What's happened?
-We lit a candle and there's a fire.
-Oh, oh, okay. Okay!
-[breathes shakily]
-Okay! Okay!
-[Dom] Mum!
Get Mum. You take her outside
-and you call the fire brigade.
-Okay.
Fire!
Fire!
Fire!
Oh, fuck!
-[guests clamouring]
-Have you seen Izzy?
Izzy!
[Butler] This way. This way.
Quick, quick. Come on!
Down the steps. Down the steps.
Come on! Come on.
Izzy!
["Bakerman" playing through headphones]
Izzy, you in there? F--
Bakerman… ♪
Open the door!
…is baking bread ♪
[groans] Okay.
[Butler] Quickly now!
Uh… Izzy! Izzy! Izzy, is Mum with you?
-Uh, no.
-No? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[Butler] This way!
Come, come.
[Butler] Down the steps, everyone.
Alice! Alice!
Izzy!
Alice! Come on, we've gotta go.
-Is Izzy with you? What, and Dom?
-Yeah. Everyone's safe.
[coughs]
[groans]
[coughs]
[Izzy] Mum!
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
-I am… I am so sorry.
-Mum! [sobs]
-Listen, I should have trusted you.
-Mum, I need to tell you something.
I adore you.
[chuckles, sniffles]
-[breathes heavily]
-[Izzy sighs]
[Alice] Fuck.
Where's Steve?
Oh, my God. Mum!
-Did you… Did you lock your bedroom door?
-[breathes shakily]
-No. Why?
-Okay.
-I'll get him.
-What?
-I know where he is.
-No, no. Alice.
-[Alice] I'm gonna get him.
-What? Mum?
-You stay with the kids!
-Mum!
Oh, my God.
[screaming, clamouring]
["Why Me" playing]
[screaming]
[pants]
Steve!
Oh, Christ! Shit.
-[screaming]
-Alice! No, no, no! Alice, stop!
No!
[Steve] Stop! Alice, stop!
No, no, no, Alice!
Think about what you're about to do!
-There's a fire!
-What?
We have to get out!
-What?
-There's a fire!
-Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
-Come on!
[coughing, groaning]
[breathes heavily]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
-Oh.
-[coughing]
It's too far down. We won't make that.
Okay. Maybe the fire brigade
will get here on time.
-[screams]
-Oh, God.
Okay, we've gotta get out!
[coughing, groaning]
-Oh! Oh, fuck!
-[groans]
-Maybe they'll send a helicopter?
-I don't think that's a thing.
-Yeah, you're right. We're fucked.
-[groans]
[sighs]
-Help! Help!
-[screams]
-Help! Up here! [screams] Help!
-I'm so sorry!
Help! Up here!
They can't see us.
Where the fuck are they?
Um, uh, I'm gonna go back in.
-Yeah.
-Wait, we'll come with you.
No, no you can't. The baby.
The place is full of smoke.
[groans] Did you start the fire?
-No! [screams]
-[gasps]
[groans, grunts]
[coughs] Alice!
Ow! [groans]
Oh, fuck!
-[Alice groans]
-[Steve] Oh, fuck.
Oh, God. We're gonna die.
[breathes heavily]
[groans]
[sighs]
[sniffles]
I don't know how I let this
get so crazy. [chuckles]
[sighs] What happened to us?
I think I went mad.
I think I just…
couldn't stand losing both of you
at the same time.
I really do love Izzy but…
[sighs] Maybe I have
no business being married.
Half of me just thought you would stop it.
Yeah, half of me thought
I would too. [chuckles]
Oh, this is getting quite hot,
isn't it? Ow!
[groans] Ow!
I don't want to burn to death. I-I…
I always thought I would die of
an-an accidental drug overdose
in-in in some night club
and my heart would explode.
Well, I always thought I'd die slowly,
um, of, like, full-blown dementia,
like, clutching my own shit. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah.
Maybe burning to death
isn't such a bad option?
Probably hurts though.
-[groans]
-I'm not good with pain.
I'm not good with pain.
Hey, may… Maybe we could jump?
Jump? Are you serious?
We're 50 feet in the air, Alice.
What? Over to there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, maybe we… Maybe we could reach it?
No, it's too far away.
I don't know.
I mean, what other option do we have?
-Do you believe in God?
-No!
No, me neither!
But maybe we should…
we should say that we do.
Yes! Yes.
It seems like a really good time
to be open to the idea anyway.
God! If you're real
and if you're watching,
can you do something, please?
And I promise to believe in you,
God, from now on.
-And I'll think before I act…
-Yeah.
…and I'll try to remember
it's not all about me.
Yes, God. And, uh, I promise never
to kiss anyone under-under-under 40.
Under… under 35, let's say,
uh, ever again.
-Uh, thank you, God.
-Thank you, God--
[both scream]
-[groans]
-Okay, okay, okay.
I think… I think it's now or never.
-Yeah. We can do this.
-Okay.
Yeah. We can do this. We can do this.
[Alice pants]
[Steve grunts]
[guests clamouring]
[coughs]
[chuckles] Ready?
Yep. Yeah. Yeah.
Alice.
[sniffles]
I love you.
Love you too.
Okay, on three?
Yep.
One, two, three!
["Happy Together" plays]
…nobody but you for all my life ♪
When you're with me
Baby, the skies will be blue ♪
For all my life ♪
Me and you, and you and me ♪
No matter how they tossed the dice
It had to be ♪
The only one for me is you
And you for me ♪
So happy together ♪
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪
For all my life ♪
When you're with me
Baby, the skies will be blue ♪
For all my life ♪
Me and you, and you and me ♪
No matter how they tossed the dice
It had to be ♪
The only one for me is you
And you for me ♪
So happy together ♪
So happy together ♪