Ann Droid (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
HE SIGHS
Michael! Hello, Michael!
Jesus, don't do that!
You cannot sleep.
I'm stressed about tomorrow
Today.
Why are you even switched on?
Sue leaves me on for home security.
Ugh, she doesn't need to do
that any more, I'm here.
You are depressed.
Would you like to talk?
To you?
Talking improves mental health.
Well
My marriage is over, my wife
is pregnant with another man,
I've moved back in with my mum,
and every job I go for,
they either want someone younger
and more qualified,
or AI can do it for free.
I mean
I mean, I feel completely
What's the word?
Outmoded, defunct,
useless, antiquated
Yeah, OK. Just shut up.
Music might help elevate your mood.
If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from,
where did you go
Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
Are you feeling better?
MUSIC CONTINUES.
OK,
so who watched Strictly this week?
ALL: We did!
Sh! Terrific, so you all know
the winning dance was the slow,
the sensual
rumba!
Oh, no
Don't worry, we don't have to do
the intimate hold positions.
Now, everyone, partner up
and let's have some fun!
Oh, bloody hell!
MUSIC STARTS
Why are we here, Linda?
Because it is on, and it is free.
Oh
I suppose we should get divorced.
Are you certain this baby
can't be yours?
Like, 10,000% certain?
The urologist said
I might as well have given them
a sample of wood glue.
That's a bit rude.
I think she wanted to do stand-up.
When we first got back together,
Professor Chris
and I had break-up
sex one last time.
That was the last time we did it.
I really did want to make
a go of it with you.
Oh, my God! He's moved in!
He had to. He's totally broke.
Really? Yeah,
Lola served him with divorce papers.
She's taking everything.
Ah Awesome.
Well, I guess you finally got
what you wanted all along.
I used to think it was
what I wanted.
In the gym, he's a God.
But outside of the gym
He's an idiot? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Mike.
Ha!
You want some chicken, Mike?
No, thank you.
Sorry about all this.
Getting my wife pregnant
Yeah.
Not cool.
MACHINE RATTLES LOUDLY
Do you consume everything raw?
Cooking it just kills all
the nutrients, my man.
Huh! How are you holding up, Mike?
You know Lola's already
back on the dating apps.
Can you believe that?
At least you're devastated,
you look terrible.
I'm doing OK.
Yeah, but you're not back
on the dating apps, though, are you?
For God's sake!
Yes. I am.
What? Yeah. All the apps.
Having fun, getting tons of
pusseh. Yes!
You enjoy yourself, brother.
Bring it in.
What is happening?
It's just the natural order, babe.
We're males.
The bull has horns
and the lion's gotta roar
GLUGS AND BELCHES.
Anyway, good to see you,
take care, Mike.
Do I either of you have to use the
bathroom in the next 30 minutes?
I'm good.
Oh, God
Oh, um, post.
It's mainly Robot Linda stuff.
Why don't you just give Linda back?
I am.
Oh, my God, I'd love to have been
there when you told them.
What did you say -
"Hey, Mum, sorry I'm going to give
back your robot girlfriend."
"You're gonna have to date
the air fryer instead!"
RENEE LAUGHS
Maybe I should do stand-up.
I haven't told Mum yet.
I need to choose my moment,
before they collect her
tomorrow.
MUSIC PLAYS Box step, slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Slow, quick, quick, slow.
Hi, Sue!
Hi, Tom!
Now, remember, people,
it's all in the hips! In the hips!
Yes! Excellent, Linda! LAUGHTER.
OK, great work, everyone,
but we are sadly out of time!
Thank, Christ.
Now, remember,
we do dance classes here every day.
And don't forget to
put your names down,
because tomorrow we're doing
street dance, bitches!
LAUGHTER Yes!
Thank God you didn't
put my name down for that one
Oh, no!
Why? Street dance celebrates self
expression and resisting oppression.
I mean, why all this
arranging stuff?
It's too much.
Sue, you are correct.
Attending dance will not
leave enough preparation time
for your dinner party.
What dinner party?
Bye, Sue, bye, Linda.
Are you OK, Tom?
No, I got carried away.
I should have warmed up more.
You have strained your adductor
muscles.
I can administer sports massage
when we get home.
Oh, nice one.
Salting the meat overnight
tenderises it
and concentrates flavour.
I've never done it before
and it's always tasted fine.
The cassoulet is an iconic French
dish that is a lot of preparation.
If the French had spent more
time fighting the Nazis
than they do preparing cassoulet,
we might not have had World War II.
That is incorrect.
World War II started when Germany
invaded Poland.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Who's this? Is it Michael?
Oh
No.
Hello? Sue Bevan speaking.
Who is it, Sue?
The bank. Yes? Oh, really?
Well, good job you're running
security checks.
Yes, yes, I'll give you my details.
ALARM SOUNDS Scammers detected!
Scammers detected!
Hang up, hang up! Oh!
My phone!
I am designed to alert you to
frauds, scams, misleading deals.
Hi, Mum. Oh, Michael.
How did it go?
Actually, not that bad.
Linda, make a pot of tea.
Please. Do you want me to ask the
fridge to please keep the food cold?
Hey, dishwasher,
please wash the dishes.
They're machines.
What are you doing to that chicken?
It's French. It was Linda's idea,
she's invited Guy and Tom
and Eileen and Phyllis.
Who's Tim and Ben
and Eileen and Francis?
They're my friends.
But you never have people over.
Well, I'm hosting a dinner party.
You're "hosting a dinner party"?!
Yes.
Who do you think you are,
Downton Abbey?!
Sue, I believe that Michael thinks
Downton Abbey is the character name.
Yeah Darling, Abbey
isn't short for Abigail.
I'm Downton Abigail.
SUE AND LINDA LAUGH.
Hello, I'm Westminster Abigail.
MIKE FORCED LAUGHTER
Linda, yeah, guess what,
I'm sending you back.
Ugh
Mum, come and sit down
I got Linda when I thought you
were going to be alone.
But I'm home now.
We don't need her any more.
Linda does so many things.
Yeah, I I can do what Linda does.
You've got your own life to lead.
Not really.
I know this sounds silly
It does sound silly.
I can't keep up the repayments.
I guess I could go back
to drug trials
No!
What will happen to Linda?
She'll go to a new owner
that really needs her,
someone who hasn't got their son
living at home
that who can do all
this crap for free!
When? They can pick her up tomorrow.
Oh, so soon?
It's just going to be
exactly how it was.
It's going to be you and me.
I-I thought that's what you wanted.
Sue, have you taken
your heart tablet? Yep.
You are low on reflux medication.
Right, well, thanks for telling me.
Michael has suggested switching me
off overnight, as he is home now.
Oh I suppose he's right.
Goodnight, Sue.
Goodnight, Linda.
Linda off.
MOBILE CAMERA SNAPS
The bloody menopause?
Bollocks. MOBILE JINGLE
Linda, come down.
They'll be here in a minute.
Coming, Michael.
Is Sue back yet?
Nah.
These are Sue's onward care
instructions.
They outline diet,
exercise, medicine, and
I do know what I'm doing!
I was fine before I got you.
Why are you taking pictures
with books you have not read? I
I signed up to a dating app last
night, everyone looks really hot,
I just need a better picture
Would you like me to try?
Yeah, sure.
Hang on, hang on.
Wait, whoa, hang on. Just
Stop pulling that face.
That's just my face.
Stop smiling.
Wow, that's really good.
Could you make my jaw
a little squarer?
A-A little more.
A little more?
Little more This does not look
like you any more.
Everyone does it.
No-one's as good looking as
their photo. It's a thing.
Hey, could you write
a profile for me as well?
Why not try something upbeat,
like
Yup"I love good company,
a good book, and even better
Tits. "..coffee."
Coffee.
Sue benefits from activities,
social gatherings
and changes to her routine.
Yeah, I know.
She will complain and resist,
this is rooted in depression.
Mum doesn't have depression.
Sue is still grieving.
I made this week very busy
because it is her 50th wedding
anniversary today.
DATING APP JINGLE
Hey, Linda, someone responded!
What if she wants to meet up?!
What shall we do? I'll just say
"whatever you wanna do", yeah?
No.
Say you have an already existing
activity planned and invite her.
Then if she declines
It looks like I've got a really
interesting life,
instead of lying in bed all day!
That is so smart! CAR HORN TOOTS.
Damn, they're here.
Just when I found a use for you.
Where is Sue?
Oh, Mum
Is she still here? Oh, Linda
I Um
I got you a little goodbye present.
OK, now you've completely
lost your mind.
I know you'll be going
to a nice new home,
and you'll forget all about us,
and me and everything, but
I just wanted to thank you
um for everything.
And I've got
that for you.
I have never
been inside a frame before.
SUE CHUCKLES Linda! It's time.
I have also left
a gift for you. Oh
Goodbye, Sue.
Goodbye.
Yeah, well, happens a lot, you know.
Repairs, finances change,
first thing to go is the robot.
You do know you're gonna get
a penalty fare
for cancelling the contract?
That's fine. Yeah?
OK, well, yeah, this all looks fine.
In you go.
Michael, a job.
Good job?
Well, it's back-breaking labour
and I do have to work holidays,
but at least the pay's shit.
OK, I'm going to need you
to sign here, here and here.
So what next? Linda gets
repurposed for a new family?
No, it's getting too hard to get
spare parts for these old models.
They're actually worth more
for their metals now.
She's going to be destroyed?
Yep.
I mean, it was a good model
but they're obsolete now
You've missed a bit.
One more signature.
That was the word.
"Obsolete".
Well, I er
I actually did my PhD in how
Chaucer used language of the body
to critique 14th century
gender norms.
OK. Well better get these robots
to the scrapyard.
Er, thanks.
ENGINE STARTS
Hello, I am Linda.
My owner was Sue.
We went camping
and we went to a rumba class
and we went on a roller-coaster.
ALL: Ah!
I don't think I'll do
that French recipe.
Too much preparation.
It is pretty stupid.
We're not even French.
Just do a roast, Mum,
your roast slaps!
Thank you. I will do a roast.
You've done it the same,
every single time,
for as long as I can remember.
What's this?
Hmm? This. Oh, that.
It's just something Linda left.
MOBILE ALER
I've got to walk you or something.
MOBILE ALER
Love, if you've got time,
could you pick up my reflux meds?
I'd better start cooking.
Sure Hey, Mum, Mum, Mum
Guess what, I've got a date!
Date?
Don't you think that's a bit soon?
Mum, it's just the natural
order of things.
I'm no different from
a lion or a cow.
A bull A bull!
I'm no different from a bull.
I spy with my little eye,
something beginning with
L.
ALL: Lower Safety Locking
Hydraulic Lift Pin.
It is more fun
if you keep guessing
You're late. Sorry Traffic.
What seems to be the issue? Please,
please, don't do this Jeffrey.
Please, I love you. I can change!
I selected an IQ of 80-100
and it keeps resetting to 140 plus!
Why would I want her to have
an IQ of 140 plus?!
Did you go into settings
and try to manually reset the IQ
to "Below Average"?
Of course I have! Repeatedly!
And you fed all this back
to customer support?
Yes!
I will never forget you, Jeffrey,
you're the love of my life!
Goodbye, Jeffrey, my love!
Hi, I'm Melody.
ALL: Hello, Melody.
MUSIC PLAYS
Um Sal?
You're kidding.
What make of robot are you?
I'm a Romance Robot.
Or Ro-Robot.
Top of the line, baby!
Cute photo.
I've never been on a
roller-coaster.
Perhaps you will go to a new person,
who will take you
on a roller-coaster.
Intercourse robots can't be resold.
Then what is your destination?
To be dismantled.
We're all going to be dismantled.
Michael and Sue have been misled.
We're all being sold for our metals.
Michael and Sue think
I am to be repurposed.
I'd forgotten, here's the gravy.
Ooh, wow!
Sue, this doesn't taste like
your usual roast.
I salted it overnight.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
It was Linda's idea,
she actually had this whole French
cuisine thing planned,
for today.
Oh
Are you going to get another one?
Doubt it.
Well, you could always
get a boy robot Ooh-hoo!
At first, I didn't like having
a boy robot,
but now I just love
that we get to do man stuff,
like shopping for vintage bowties,
and we're going
to this Michael Bubbles party
Michael Buble concert.
Here, one of my customers said
Michael Buble wears a wig.
I think it was Michael Buble.
Or was it Michael Douglas?
Which one is the basketballer?
Brian, what time are you
thinking of going home?
I only popped in to say hi
and have a bit of a tipple.
Four glasses of wine is a tipple?
Well, I probably should be getting
back to work.
Those taxis don't drive themselves,
do they?
Well, actually they do now.
Well, everyone. I have news.
A little birdie tells me
that Jeffrey
and his new squeeze have split!
Oh He always comes home.
You're going to take him back?
Of course I am.
I don't want to be all alone
at my age.
Did anyone see that
story about the MRI?
No. No?
Yeah, there was an oxygen tank
in the room,
so when they switched
the machine on,
it went flying across the room
and decapitated the patient.
Chopped her head clean off.
CAR DOOR God, no.
I didn't hear that story.
And get this, Sue -
when they did the autopsy,
they realised she didn't need
an MRI in the first place!
Hello, Michael.
ALL: Hi, Michael.
Michael, say hi to everyone.
Hi, everyone. Hi
How was your date?
Stupid.
I'm done with women.
They're just shallow.
Being beautiful means nothing,
if your personality is ugly!
You guys are lucky that you're gay.
Eh?
Did you manage to
get my reflux meds?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
Then I'll do it on Monday.
This chicken tastes weird!
I salted it overnight.
I prefer it the old way.
I thought it was rather nice.
Nah, the old way is better.
No.
No, it's not.
Sue must know she has been misled.
Shit!
Not again!
Stop!
Stop! Stop!
I command you
I command you to stop!
HEAVY ENGINE NOISE
Will you please stop zig-zagging?
SUE SIGHS
Happy anniversary, love.
RECORDING: Hello, love, it's me,
your dead husband, Dave.
Linda has my voice in her database,
so she can use it to say
"happy 50th anniversary" from me.
I wish I were there to celebrate,
but I'm not
because I'm dead.
I don't know where I am now,
as there's no verifiable data
on that.
But there are things I do know.
I know that you love me very much,
I know you still do,
and I know how brave you are,
doing this part without me.
MICHAEL: Come down.
They'll be here in a minute.
Coming, Michael.
I have to go now, Sue.
I picked up more reflux medication,
it is in the bathroom, goodbye!
I am sorry I broke your fence.
I would like to come with you.
Come back, please!
Shit!
Robot wankers!
I'm going out.
Where? I'm going to find Linda.
Good on you, Sue! This is exciting.
Isn't this exciting, Guy?
Yes.
Mum, Mum, wait
Get us a Happy Meal while you're
out? This chicken is disgusting!
Mum, you don't even drive!
I'll drive you! 75 quid.
Wait 85.
Shut up! Shut up!
Mum, we've talked about this.
I can't afford her. I'll borrow
against the house or something.
Are you for fucking real?
I just hope I can get there
before her memory's wiped!
90 quid, final offer.
I can do this, I can do this,
I can do this.
ENGINE STARTS
There's nothing to be scared of,
there's nothing to be scared of.
HORN BEEPS Sorry, sorry, sorry!
SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF
BUMP
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
BUMP Argh!
Let me out, let me out.
Linda! I am OK, Sue!
SUE WHIMPERS
Sue, you drove a car! Mm.
Oh
Perhaps you should not drive a car.
Wh-What are you doing here?
And who is that?
I came to find you, Sue.
I was to be dismantled
and sold for my parts.
You and Michael were misled.
Bastards!
Did you hear that, Michael? What?!
These contracts!
The fine print, big tech
Capitalism!
Who the hell is that?
Thank God! Finally!
I thought I'd been left
here to die
But now you're here.
I am!
Sue, you drove a car.
Yes, I did.
I came to get you.
I know Michael said
we couldn't afford a robot
Michael will change his mind.
Oh, you're so funny! You should have
your own Netflix special!
THEY CHUCKLE
Sue, I broke my present
when you drove over me.
Oh Well, we can get
more picture frames.
We're gonna need them,
because we're gonna
take a lot more pictures
Do you know?
My dinner party was no fun
without you.
Perhaps music might help
improve the mood?
If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from,
where did you go
Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪
Sue, I think you put my eyeball
back in upside down.
If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from,
where did you go
Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe?
If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
I'd been married long time ago
Where did you come from,
where did you go
Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe? ♪