Camping (2016) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
DISTANT DANCE MUSIC
And I-I sh-should have realised
the
..that the diarrhoea was
a warning sign.
Mm.
It just went on and on
..until she passed.
It was almost as if she
..pooed away her entire body.
Ooh.
HE GASPS
Oh, dear.
Erm
HE GASPS
I saw you the other day.
What do you mean?
You were
You were rubbing
in your sleeping bag.
You were making lovely noises.
I.. I.. Sorry, I
I don't know what you're
HE RUBS TABLE
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Oh! Oh!
Ah! Ah!
Ohhh!
Oh!
Aah!
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Right, well, thank you for the tea.
Erm, I'm sure Archie's probably
wondering where I've got to,
-so I'd better head out.
-Mm.
You knew I was watching you,
-didn't you?
-No, no, I didn't.
I-I-I know you don't like Robin.
What, no, I
SHE WHIMPERS
Mm! Mm! Mm!
Oh, my goodness! Mm
Mummy's stinky was bald.
I just want to use your toilet.
Ah, yes, you
DOOR LOCKS
You want to f
You want to freshen up.
SHE PANTS HEAVILY
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Oh, mummy's dead.
HE PANTS HEAVILY
And
..I like stinkies.
Oh, God, I like stinkies!
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC
Ha!
SHE WHIMPERS
TRICKLING
Hey! Hey! Who goes there?
Boo! Aghh!
I was just looking for Davey.
Were you hoping for a peek?
You were hoping for
-a peek of the pork?
-He said
there was a party here or something.
A party? Par-tay!
Whoo! No,
there's no fucking party here, love.
I think you've got the wrong place.
So Davey's not here?
No, Davey's not here.
But, you know, er
I am.
Fucking
Baby. What you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I can't have drugs.
Could you
Could you hug me?
HE WHIMPERS
Actually, you know what?
Just slap me.
Just slap me, Faye!
Ah!
I've been such a prick.
I've been such a big fat prick
for the last three days.
I love you so much, baby.
And all I wanna do is
All I wanna do with you
is take you back to that tent,
open a bottle of new world red
..and bang you to sleep.
Hello , little piggies!
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
What's up, bitches?
Where's the party?
-Hang on.
-Could you
Here's the fucking party.
I've just got
a really quiet question for you.
Shh! Too noisy.
Er, why, what is it
about you and me?
Wh-Why do we always have this thing?
I don't know what you mean.
You don't know what I mean?
No, I don't know what you mean.
You fucking know.
I see it in your eyes.
Why do you have this thing
where I just have this fucking
chemistry with your girlfriend.
Yeah, well,
Faye's a very chemical person.
She's friendly
and people just respond to her.
So, actually, you just join a queue
of thousands of people.
-Yeah.
-Everyone has chemistry
-with her.
-She likes, she likes
her bad boys, doesn't she?
-Yeah.
-Well, I don't know
She's got one.
Cos I'm I'm a fucking bad boy.
You? You're not fucking
-proper bad boy.
-Yeah?
-Bad enough.
-Really?
I mean, I'm not
I'm not on, like, a list of
Interpol's most wanted boys
or anything, but
..I can throw it down
-and spread it around.Yeah?
-Mm-hm.
Throw what down?
You guys should kiss.
Yeah, I can do that.
-You like that?
-I like that.
You know, like a proper kiss.
I don't
I don't wanna proper kiss him.
-What?
-How fucking bad are you?
Yeah, you bad boy!
Ooh, he's so bad.
Turn you on?
A little bit.
Like I said, I'm a bad boy.
Surprisingly soft.
Let's go back to the tent, baby.
I'm gonna bonk you.
BOTTLES CLATTER
-How about a blowjob?
-Yeah, good.
-Yeah, OK.Definitely.Yeah?
-Yeah.
Go on, then.
What, to
No, I don't wanna I don't wanna
-do that.
-How about Tom
..watches while you give me one?
Sure.
I don't want to do that either,
Faye. Can we go back
to the tent now, please?
Baby, you said you wanted
to have a threesome.
Yeah.
Who else are we gonna
-have a threesome with?
-Right? Noel.
Baby please.
Look, either you suck his cock
or I do.
Mm.
MUFFLED: Oh, God!
MUFFLED: Oh, my God! Hang on.
-MUFFLED: Wait Mm.
-Oh, God!
I've had enough.
QUIET MUSIC
DOOR LOCK SQUEAKS
PANPIPE MUSIC
-Hm!
-Oh!
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Hmmm.
HE GROANS
HE GROANS
Ohh!
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
Archie! Archie, we're leaving!
-What's that?
-Go away.
Go away! Leave me alone!
BIRDS SQUAWK
I guess I feel so privileged that
Mmshe sort of
just exploded into my life
like a firecracker, you know?
I mean, she's
Baby, baby, baby! Ah, here he is,
with his plump, pillowy lips.
She's Alright?
She's my fairy godmother, you know?
She's She's Tinker Bell.
But she's real. She's real life.
Do you know how many abortions
she's had?
Ask me how many abortions she's had.
Erm, what, sorry?
Ask me how many abortions she's had?
-How many abortions?Two.
-Really?
-Mm-hm. Big ones.Wow.
-Yeah.
I'm sorry. What, another one?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, like Anne?
What do you mean about Anne?
-What? Anne and abortions?
-Mm.
She gave me every kid
-that I put up her.
-Yeah.
And we have, we actually have
Erm, sorry, forget I spoke.
Do you have something to say
-about my wife?
-If you want me to.
If you really want me to.
You know Anne?
You know, the big lass?
Yes, I know my wife.
Want some food? Anyone want
-some food?
-Would you like
to go back to the tent?
Cos we're having
a nice conversation.
What are you suggesting?
You wanna take me back to the tent?
That's what she said, mate.
-Who?
-Anne. You know your wife?
What are you saying about my wife?
Your wife, you know this
You know
and she won't give you any
botty sex. You know?
Maybe that's just with you. Hm?
Adam, what are you saying?
Spell it out.
I fucked her!
I fucked her!
Is that enough?
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
HE COUGHS
Oh, my God! Erm, I mean, hi.
Hi.
HE LAUGHS
Erm, I just thought
you weren't coming.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, shit! Fuck, I'm just thinking
Did I give Kerry this or this?
What's in that, then?
One of them's ketamine.
What? Fuck it.
She's probably having a great time.
ACID HOUSE MUSIC
HE PANTS FRANTICALLY
"This is the answerphone. Please
leave a message after the tone."
BEEP
Hi, Anne?
It's Tom. Erm, listen,
I know you're in a coma and stuff,
but I need you to know that
..I know about you and Adam.
HE SOBS
Faye!
MUSIC: "Let's Stick Together"
by Bryan Ferry
No, thank you!
Faye!
No, no.
HE SOBS
ENGINE REVS
HE GROANS
Hey. Hey.
HE GASPS
HE WHIMPERS
Oh, yeah.
HE GASPS
Could you call an ambulance,
please, Noel?
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
Would you like
..a hot mmmm
..chocolate? Hm?
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
SLOWED DOWN, MUFFLED SPEECH
Oh, God! God!
Oh, my God!
Archie! Oh, God! Mummy's coming!
Tom?
-Tom?
-No, it's only Robin.
-I'm sorry.
-Erm
Are you alright?
You've got tears.
Aw, what's the matter? What?
-Hm?
-Adam
SHE SOBS
Adam's just told me that
-I stank.
-Oh, no!
Yeah. He said I smelt of fish.
He wouldn't rape me.
Oh, what a rotter!
-Did you want him to?
-No.
No? Ohh.
SHE SNIFFS
Poor you.
You're so nice.
You're the only nice person here.
Archie!
Robin!
Is anybody in there?
SHE BANGS ON DOOR
I know you've got him in there!
SHE BANGS ON DOOR
MUFFLED OPERA MUSIC
Archie?
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
SHE SCREAMS
-It's me!
-What?
Oh, Archie, thank God! Oh!
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
HE SNIFFS
Mm. Thank you.
Do you want to smell the other one?
Mm.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, yes, that's a good one.
Fiona would never let me do that.
I can't I can't kiss her,
I can't suck her.
I can't suck her boobs
cos of the hairs.
-Oh!
-And I can't touch her down there
because she says it's all inflamed.
You know, her urethra
is very fat and
sort of red and dry
and irritated and
..her clitoris is sort of hard
and round, like a Strepsil.
-Ohh.
-I don't know what to do.
HE SOBS
I don't know what to do.
-Aw.
-I just want to make her happy.
I want her to be happy so much.
She just lies there and
Gosh!
Oh!
Gosh! Oh, yes!
Oh!
Goodness me.
That's unusual. Oh, yes, that's
Oh, your fingers are so nice.
It's like a butterfly
has landed on my willy.
Like a white cabbage.
SHE GARBLES
SHE GARBLES
No, just just feel N-No.
Oh, gosh! Gosh, look.
My willy.
My willy's going towards you.
It's pointing at you.
Oh!
It's gone into you.
It's gone into you! Can you feel it?
Yes.
It's gone right into you.
Oh! Is that alright?
-Mm.
-Are you sure?
-Who is it?
-It's Robin.
Oh! Oh, yes!
It's going up and down
like a little boy on a trampoline.
Oh, yes! I can't stop it!
HE SHOUTS
Ohhhhh!
MUSIC: "Freak Like Me"
By Sugababes
-Excuse you.
-Sorry.
Right, seat belt on, please.
CAR HORN BEEPS
CAR ENGINE STARTS
GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER
Kerry!
Babe?
CAR ENGINE ROARS
What the fuck? What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Mm.
Morning!
What
What's happening?
Nothing.
Have you seen Tom?
No.
This is Mummy's bread.
It's bread.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Mummy's bread.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Mummy's
Try some.
Mmmm.
Hmmm.
I fucked her. I fucked Faye, Fi,
I fucked Faye. Faye and I fucked.
SHE SOBS
This summer I was swimming
This summer I might have drowned
But I held my breath
and I kicked my feet
And I moved my arms around
Moved my arms around
This summer I swam in the ocean
And I swam in a swimming pool
Salt in my wounds,
chlorine in my eyes
I'm a self-destructive fool
This summer I did the backstroke
And you know that that's not all
I did the breaststroke
and the butterfly
And the old Australian crawl ♪
language and adult humour.
DISTANT DANCE MUSIC
And I-I sh-should have realised
the
..that the diarrhoea was
a warning sign.
Mm.
It just went on and on
..until she passed.
It was almost as if she
..pooed away her entire body.
Ooh.
HE GASPS
Oh, dear.
Erm
HE GASPS
I saw you the other day.
What do you mean?
You were
You were rubbing
in your sleeping bag.
You were making lovely noises.
I.. I.. Sorry, I
I don't know what you're
HE RUBS TABLE
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Oh! Oh!
Ah! Ah!
Ohhh!
Oh!
Aah!
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Right, well, thank you for the tea.
Erm, I'm sure Archie's probably
wondering where I've got to,
-so I'd better head out.
-Mm.
You knew I was watching you,
-didn't you?
-No, no, I didn't.
I-I-I know you don't like Robin.
What, no, I
SHE WHIMPERS
Mm! Mm! Mm!
Oh, my goodness! Mm
Mummy's stinky was bald.
I just want to use your toilet.
Ah, yes, you
DOOR LOCKS
You want to f
You want to freshen up.
SHE PANTS HEAVILY
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Oh, mummy's dead.
HE PANTS HEAVILY
And
..I like stinkies.
Oh, God, I like stinkies!
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC
Ha!
SHE WHIMPERS
TRICKLING
Hey! Hey! Who goes there?
Boo! Aghh!
I was just looking for Davey.
Were you hoping for a peek?
You were hoping for
-a peek of the pork?
-He said
there was a party here or something.
A party? Par-tay!
Whoo! No,
there's no fucking party here, love.
I think you've got the wrong place.
So Davey's not here?
No, Davey's not here.
But, you know, er
I am.
Fucking
Baby. What you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I can't have drugs.
Could you
Could you hug me?
HE WHIMPERS
Actually, you know what?
Just slap me.
Just slap me, Faye!
Ah!
I've been such a prick.
I've been such a big fat prick
for the last three days.
I love you so much, baby.
And all I wanna do is
All I wanna do with you
is take you back to that tent,
open a bottle of new world red
..and bang you to sleep.
Hello , little piggies!
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
What's up, bitches?
Where's the party?
-Hang on.
-Could you
Here's the fucking party.
I've just got
a really quiet question for you.
Shh! Too noisy.
Er, why, what is it
about you and me?
Wh-Why do we always have this thing?
I don't know what you mean.
You don't know what I mean?
No, I don't know what you mean.
You fucking know.
I see it in your eyes.
Why do you have this thing
where I just have this fucking
chemistry with your girlfriend.
Yeah, well,
Faye's a very chemical person.
She's friendly
and people just respond to her.
So, actually, you just join a queue
of thousands of people.
-Yeah.
-Everyone has chemistry
-with her.
-She likes, she likes
her bad boys, doesn't she?
-Yeah.
-Well, I don't know
She's got one.
Cos I'm I'm a fucking bad boy.
You? You're not fucking
-proper bad boy.
-Yeah?
-Bad enough.
-Really?
I mean, I'm not
I'm not on, like, a list of
Interpol's most wanted boys
or anything, but
..I can throw it down
-and spread it around.Yeah?
-Mm-hm.
Throw what down?
You guys should kiss.
Yeah, I can do that.
-You like that?
-I like that.
You know, like a proper kiss.
I don't
I don't wanna proper kiss him.
-What?
-How fucking bad are you?
Yeah, you bad boy!
Ooh, he's so bad.
Turn you on?
A little bit.
Like I said, I'm a bad boy.
Surprisingly soft.
Let's go back to the tent, baby.
I'm gonna bonk you.
BOTTLES CLATTER
-How about a blowjob?
-Yeah, good.
-Yeah, OK.Definitely.Yeah?
-Yeah.
Go on, then.
What, to
No, I don't wanna I don't wanna
-do that.
-How about Tom
..watches while you give me one?
Sure.
I don't want to do that either,
Faye. Can we go back
to the tent now, please?
Baby, you said you wanted
to have a threesome.
Yeah.
Who else are we gonna
-have a threesome with?
-Right? Noel.
Baby please.
Look, either you suck his cock
or I do.
Mm.
MUFFLED: Oh, God!
MUFFLED: Oh, my God! Hang on.
-MUFFLED: Wait Mm.
-Oh, God!
I've had enough.
QUIET MUSIC
DOOR LOCK SQUEAKS
PANPIPE MUSIC
-Hm!
-Oh!
HE PANTS HEAVILY
Hmmm.
HE GROANS
HE GROANS
Ohh!
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
Archie! Archie, we're leaving!
-What's that?
-Go away.
Go away! Leave me alone!
BIRDS SQUAWK
I guess I feel so privileged that
Mmshe sort of
just exploded into my life
like a firecracker, you know?
I mean, she's
Baby, baby, baby! Ah, here he is,
with his plump, pillowy lips.
She's Alright?
She's my fairy godmother, you know?
She's She's Tinker Bell.
But she's real. She's real life.
Do you know how many abortions
she's had?
Ask me how many abortions she's had.
Erm, what, sorry?
Ask me how many abortions she's had?
-How many abortions?Two.
-Really?
-Mm-hm. Big ones.Wow.
-Yeah.
I'm sorry. What, another one?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, like Anne?
What do you mean about Anne?
-What? Anne and abortions?
-Mm.
She gave me every kid
-that I put up her.
-Yeah.
And we have, we actually have
Erm, sorry, forget I spoke.
Do you have something to say
-about my wife?
-If you want me to.
If you really want me to.
You know Anne?
You know, the big lass?
Yes, I know my wife.
Want some food? Anyone want
-some food?
-Would you like
to go back to the tent?
Cos we're having
a nice conversation.
What are you suggesting?
You wanna take me back to the tent?
That's what she said, mate.
-Who?
-Anne. You know your wife?
What are you saying about my wife?
Your wife, you know this
You know
and she won't give you any
botty sex. You know?
Maybe that's just with you. Hm?
Adam, what are you saying?
Spell it out.
I fucked her!
I fucked her!
Is that enough?
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
HE COUGHS
Oh, my God! Erm, I mean, hi.
Hi.
HE LAUGHS
Erm, I just thought
you weren't coming.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, shit! Fuck, I'm just thinking
Did I give Kerry this or this?
What's in that, then?
One of them's ketamine.
What? Fuck it.
She's probably having a great time.
ACID HOUSE MUSIC
HE PANTS FRANTICALLY
"This is the answerphone. Please
leave a message after the tone."
BEEP
Hi, Anne?
It's Tom. Erm, listen,
I know you're in a coma and stuff,
but I need you to know that
..I know about you and Adam.
HE SOBS
Faye!
MUSIC: "Let's Stick Together"
by Bryan Ferry
No, thank you!
Faye!
No, no.
HE SOBS
ENGINE REVS
HE GROANS
Hey. Hey.
HE GASPS
HE WHIMPERS
Oh, yeah.
HE GASPS
Could you call an ambulance,
please, Noel?
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
Would you like
..a hot mmmm
..chocolate? Hm?
QUIET DANCE MUSIC
SLOWED DOWN, MUFFLED SPEECH
Oh, God! God!
Oh, my God!
Archie! Oh, God! Mummy's coming!
Tom?
-Tom?
-No, it's only Robin.
-I'm sorry.
-Erm
Are you alright?
You've got tears.
Aw, what's the matter? What?
-Hm?
-Adam
SHE SOBS
Adam's just told me that
-I stank.
-Oh, no!
Yeah. He said I smelt of fish.
He wouldn't rape me.
Oh, what a rotter!
-Did you want him to?
-No.
No? Ohh.
SHE SNIFFS
Poor you.
You're so nice.
You're the only nice person here.
Archie!
Robin!
Is anybody in there?
SHE BANGS ON DOOR
I know you've got him in there!
SHE BANGS ON DOOR
MUFFLED OPERA MUSIC
Archie?
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
SHE SCREAMS
-It's me!
-What?
Oh, Archie, thank God! Oh!
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
HE SNIFFS
Mm. Thank you.
Do you want to smell the other one?
Mm.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, yes, that's a good one.
Fiona would never let me do that.
I can't I can't kiss her,
I can't suck her.
I can't suck her boobs
cos of the hairs.
-Oh!
-And I can't touch her down there
because she says it's all inflamed.
You know, her urethra
is very fat and
sort of red and dry
and irritated and
..her clitoris is sort of hard
and round, like a Strepsil.
-Ohh.
-I don't know what to do.
HE SOBS
I don't know what to do.
-Aw.
-I just want to make her happy.
I want her to be happy so much.
She just lies there and
Gosh!
Oh!
Gosh! Oh, yes!
Oh!
Goodness me.
That's unusual. Oh, yes, that's
Oh, your fingers are so nice.
It's like a butterfly
has landed on my willy.
Like a white cabbage.
SHE GARBLES
SHE GARBLES
No, just just feel N-No.
Oh, gosh! Gosh, look.
My willy.
My willy's going towards you.
It's pointing at you.
Oh!
It's gone into you.
It's gone into you! Can you feel it?
Yes.
It's gone right into you.
Oh! Is that alright?
-Mm.
-Are you sure?
-Who is it?
-It's Robin.
Oh! Oh, yes!
It's going up and down
like a little boy on a trampoline.
Oh, yes! I can't stop it!
HE SHOUTS
Ohhhhh!
MUSIC: "Freak Like Me"
By Sugababes
-Excuse you.
-Sorry.
Right, seat belt on, please.
CAR HORN BEEPS
CAR ENGINE STARTS
GLASS BOTTLES CLATTER
Kerry!
Babe?
CAR ENGINE ROARS
What the fuck? What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Mm.
Morning!
What
What's happening?
Nothing.
Have you seen Tom?
No.
This is Mummy's bread.
It's bread.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Mummy's bread.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Mummy's
Try some.
Mmmm.
Hmmm.
I fucked her. I fucked Faye, Fi,
I fucked Faye. Faye and I fucked.
SHE SOBS
This summer I was swimming
This summer I might have drowned
But I held my breath
and I kicked my feet
And I moved my arms around
Moved my arms around
This summer I swam in the ocean
And I swam in a swimming pool
Salt in my wounds,
chlorine in my eyes
I'm a self-destructive fool
This summer I did the backstroke
And you know that that's not all
I did the breaststroke
and the butterfly
And the old Australian crawl ♪