Can You Keep a Secret? (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
We took that money to help people,
Marcus. People like you,
and even people like
Pamela Anderson.
-This came this morning.
-We have a problem.
He's ONE of our blackmailers.
-Wait. What?
-There's two blackmailers!
I need to gather evidence
so that Neha can arrest Pamela.
Then she'll tell everyone about Dad.
That's when my plan
comes into action.
Not only have we got
your dad's death certificate,
we also have the funeral director
on the payroll.
We are home and clean.
Trixie!
Here, puss-puss.
CAT MEOWS
PAMELA GASPS
THUD
Ah.
-JEAN: - What?
-SUSAN: - Everything's going to be OK.
QUIET CONVERSATION
I'm so sorry, Jean, but
I'm sorry, but Pam hasn't made it.
JEAN SOBS
I'm so sorry.
BANGING ON DOOR
Oh, good, it's you.
-And your plan if it wasn't?
-I'd pretend to be your mum.
-Go on, then.
-Um
HIGH-PITCHED: - No, thank you.
Please leave me alone. I'm a widow.
-Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad.
-Oh, right. Did you bring it?
Yes.
WILLIAM CHUCKLES
This is lovely stuff.
This is the best hit money can buy.
No more cannabis for me.
Just choccy milk from now on.
I got, er
It's just one for the cup and
one for the mug. Mmm
Mmm! Mmm!
- MOUTH FULL:
- Do you want some?
-No. Hey? -Hmm?
-How's Mum?
-Oh, fine. -Fine?
-Yeah. Why wouldn't she be?
Well, one of her friends
died last night.
-Oh, I didn't think of it like that.
-Yeah. So, where is she?
Oh No.
-Hey, Mum.
-Oh, hello, darling.
William! That booze that you got
for your retirement -
have you moved it?
WILLIAM MUMBLES
- DEBBIE SIGHS
- Sorry, what on earth is going on?
Your dad was given a bottle
of posh bubbly when he retired,
and I've been waiting for
the right moment to open it.
-Could have opened it when I retired.
-No! Needed to be
-for something special.
-So why are you looking now?
Well, do you know
what happened last night?
Yeah. Do YOU know
what happened last night?
Yes, I do, thank you.
I had front-row seats.
Ding-dong, cheerio.
See you in the next life!
DEBBIE LAUGHS
Have you got a brick for a heart?
Pam was your friend.
SHE SCOFFS
Some friend. Come here.
Look at this. I found that in her
house yesterday. In her bowling bag.
The final piece dans la jigsaw.
Now, you tell me, what sort of
friend blackmails their own mates?
Yeah. But you can't have wanted her
to die, surely?
No, of course not.
I'm not a psychopath.
You're about to open
a bottle of champagne.
Well, only if I can bloody find it.
Are you sure you haven't moved it?
-You do like to fiddle with my bits.
-It's actually my champagne.
And, Harold, I know you love
to apportion blame - you get that
from your father - but Pamela's
death? Nothing to do with me. OK?
MOUTH FULL: - It's starting
to make me feel a bit sick.
It is It is claggy.
I wonder how long she's going to be.
Don't you just hate these places?
-Did you get those from the machine?
-Yeah.
I wouldn't.
Riddled with Legionnaires'.
And they found E. coli
in the sandwiches.
-Sorry, you said this was urgent.
-Oh
You were at Pamela Anderson's house
last night. Well, there's something
I need to tell you. She had a cat,
and I suffer from
very bad allergies.
-And?
-I get very snuffly and red, itchy eyes.
-It's hugely incapacitating.
-No, I mean about Pam.
Oh, well, on arrival
to the hospital,
it became apparent that I was
a smidge hasty in my assertions.
-Which means? - She's not actually dead.
-Are you kidding me?
-How many times are you going to do this?
-Do what?
-Nothing.
-Believe me, I'm shocked. I am normally assiduously diligent.
Urgh! Where is it?
-Mum, this is a classic case of denial.
-I'm not in denial.
If anything, I'm being
too transparent.
A little bit like
our bloomin' bathroom window.
You know they frosted it
on the wrong side
-Oh!
-..so we can't see out but every Tom, Dick and Harry can see in.
-A viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick and Harry.
-Ohhh Talking to you
-is like nailing jelly to the wall.
-Well, that is very rude!
Jelly? Haven't had that in ages.
Have we got any?
Well, have a look in the cupboard.
And, you, if you can't be positive,
-you can leave.
-What do you want me to be positive about?
Just everything
I've ever done for you!
No, you can't take credit
for the good if you can't take
-responsibility for the bad.
-Oh, it's Thought For The Day
with Bishop Patronising, is it?
What did you say when you reversed
our car into the village duck pond?
-What's that got to do with anything?
-Just tell me what you said. -Oh
I merely commented
that the water level had risen.
-Which meant it was whose fault?
-Global warming. -I rest my case.
-Oh, you are an odious little chode.
-Can you stop calling me that?
-I'm sensitive about being stocky.
-Oh, we're a stocky family.
I'm not. I'm quite willowy.
-Oh, shut up! - Shut up!
-Mum, please. In the space of a few weeks,
we've had a fake funeral,
an insurance fraud
and now a very real death.
Can you see what connects
those three things?
Yeah.
-Him.
-It's not, is it?
Well, I
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
I know. I know.
Come here.
I love you.
Pamela.
I killed her!
We've tried to inform the next
of kin, but there doesn't appear
-to be any.
-No, there won't be. Pam's quite an acquired taste.
-So what exactly is this about?
-Well, given that Ms Anderson
turned out to be alive,
we've run some tests
and found something rather curious.
Pam's blood results show
an abnormally high level of
a stimulant drug for which there's
no medical reason for her to be
taking, which I think means
She's on the crank?!
she was poisoned by someone
trying to induce a heart attack.
Bloody hell. This village
is like Midsomer Murders.
Yes, except this would be
Midsomer Attempted Murders,
because, as I say,
she's not actually dead.
No thanks to you.
QUIET CONVERSATION
-Can you make this out?
-Why would you come to a search without your specs?
The dog got them,
so the arm's loose,
-so they keep falling off me face.
-I think that's the chemist in town.
-What did Dr Donut say about Pam's next of kin?
-She didn't have any.
Exactly. So why would she be
meeting with this guy?
-I can't read that, either.
-He does wills.
-William, get packing.
-Debbie, come on.
-This is not the answer.
-You heard Harold. I have no choice.
That's not what he was saying.
Listen, I don't want to run away.
I'm tired and old and
-actually, technically dead.
-We're not running away.
-We're taking a holiday. - Debbie
-A weekend away, then. - No.
A road trip. A getaway.
A couples' retreat.
I'm not going to stand here
and play WordHippo with you.
We cannot take a holiday from guilt.
A mini-break?
WILLIAM SIGHS
Look Come here.
WILLIAM MAKES SOOTHING NOISES
What am I going to do, then?
I think you know.
-You do the pharmacy, I'll do the solicitor.
-Yes, guv.
-Cooee!
-I thought we agreed you'd keep your head down.
Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I?
Just keep on popping up for air.
Did you know that hippos
produce their own sun cream?
-I'm really busy, Debbie.
-Yeah, I know. I need to talk to you
-about, um, Pamela.
-That's what I'm busy with. - You're looking for
-the culprit? -Yeah.
-Yeah, well, look no further.
It was me.
-What are you on about?
-Well, I might not have literally
plunged my hand into her heart
and pulled the valves out of her,
but the, erm
-What are valves in?
-Sockets?
Flanges, is it? No, flaps. Flaps.
Anyway, shush, no,
it doesn't matter. I now realise,
thanks to your husband,
that I bear responsibility
for her death.
-Right, is that everything?
-Well, aren't you going to take me in?
-No. - Why not?
-Because Pam's not bloody dead, Debbie.
Although she WAS being poisoned.
-Was?! I didn't do that!
-No, I know.
I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.
What do you mean?
How have you got yourself into this?
That's funny, that's exactly
what St Peter said last night.
I had a dream - inspired, no doubt,
by my flirtation with hard drugs.
I was at the gates of heaven, being
given a stern grilling by St Peter,
who, weirdly, looked like
Richard Osman.
-I can see that.
-He had his little clipboard out.
-Is this St Peter or Osman?
-Both. Same. -Of course.
He was asking me
if I could make an argument
for why a lying fraudster
should be let into heaven.
-What did you say?
-Well, I made the best argument available to me.
-Which was?
-I said it was all your mother's fault.
-Want some jelly?
-What flavour is it?
Pork pie.
No, thank you.
You did hide it.
Mmm. I just want
a quiet life, Harry.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Looks like I'm not going to get one
without being actually dead.
-Hello.
-We're from widow club.
My mum's not here right now.
I'm not sure when she'll be back.
Oh, that's fine. First rule of widow
club is we don't mind waiting.
Sure, but I do have stuff
I need to be getting on wi
Crack on, then, love.
You won't even know we're here.
-You all right?
-Yeah. A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
Of course.
Who could be poisoning Pamela?
Well, maybe someone she were
blackmailing wanted revenge.
Oh, I would do many things,
but I won't do that.
-All right, Meat Loaf.
-It's a proper mystery, isn't it?
-A tough nut to swallow.
-I know, and usually it's quite easy,
-because it's always
-BOTH: - ..the husband.
-Yeah. - Did Pamela ever have a fella?
-Pamela?
-No. -Why not?
-Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.
What, posh?
-No, a LADY'S lady.
-Oh, I see! I never realised. - Yeah.
She's a very private person. I think
that's why I find her so boring.
-Actually, have you told Harold that she's alive?
-No. Why?
Cos I'd like to do that.
I knew it wasn't my fault.
It's for modafinil,
but the name's illegible.
-What's modafinil used for?
-It's a stimulant.
It can be prescribed for narcolepsy.
Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?
SHE SNORES
Can I help?
Er, no. I'm good. Thanks.
Please, go and sit back down.
Oh. OK.
Harry, can can I tell you
something, just between us?
Yeah. Of course, Jean.
It's only us here.
I'd rather not be alone in there.
-Right.
-It's nice to have company that's awake.
-Do you know what I mean?
-Hmm -So may I?
HE MOUTHS
Oh, er, yeah, sure.
-Here we go, Jean.
-Thanks.
-Did you hear about Pamela?
-Oh, yeah. Terribly sad.
I just can't think
what gave her a heart attack.
I know. I know. It's a real mystery.
Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't
want to go into the living room?
Oh, no, no. Thank you. I'm fine
here. In fact, while I remember,
I brought some home-made cupcakes.
Triple chocolate.
Oh, Jean, you shouldn't have.
CLINK
Oh, I enjoy it.
Baking keeps my mind off everything.
Mm. Thank you.
Right, so we should
head back to the station
-and work out what Billie's up to.
-No. No, I have to check in
-with Susan.
-Why? What's she doing?
-I shouldn't really tell you.
-Oh, come on. I'm on the team.
OK. Well, we did find some evidence
that Pam might have changed her will
-recently with a solicitor.
-Oh. Hence why you're asking
-about a boyfriend.
-Very good!
-Officer? - BOTH: - Yes?
-We don't do a lot of modafinil, so I checked
when we last filled
a 400mg prescription.
-And?
-I hope it's OK that I did that.
I didn't mean to overstep
or anything. I just
And I know I can be a bit beaky.
And my mum says
-Oh, my God, spit it out!
-Erm, it was last Thursday.
Oh, let's have a look.
Oh! There's your Parkinson's thief
again. Any luck finding him yet?
No. He's proving a bit of a ghost.
PHONE RINGS
-Guv?
-SUSAN: - So, I just spoke to the solicitor.
-Oh, is that Susan? Turn her up.
-Hello? Who's that?
-It's Debbie. It's Debbie Fendon.
-Oh, hiya, Debbie! You all right?
Yeah, fine. Just keeping on
keeping on, you know?
-You still bowling?
-Yeah, trying to,
but I've been having trouble
with a gippy knee recently.
Might have some gel
for that, actually.
-I've tried the gel, thanks. It's too sticky.
-No, sorry, ladies,
-can we just focus? -Yeah, OK.
-It should be here any second.
So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor.
Nice guy, but savage BO.
And Pam's will was updated
six weeks ago,
and you'll never guess
the beneficiary.
Oh, my God.
-Jean.
-Oh! I was hoping to surprise you.
Jean?!
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, these
are delicious, Jean.
-Is that Is that maple syrup I can taste?
-You've got a good palate.
Yeah. I ate a lot of pancakes
on a holiday to Florida once.
-Oh, was that with your mum and dad?
-Yeah. -Such a shame,
-what happened to your dad.
-Mmm. Yeah. No, we miss him.
HE EXHALES
Forgive me, Jean. Sorry.
Suddenly I feel quite tired.
-That's OK, love.
-Those cupcakes are lovely, though. - Yeah.
I always find the maple syrup
is a perfect flavour combination
-for the gamma hydroxybutyrate.
-Right.
Sorry, what did you say?
The gammy hydroxy what now?
It's more commonly known as GHB.
OK. That's That's good
in cupcakes, is it?
It is if you want to
incapacitate someone.
-Why would you want to do that?
-Oh, you've still not got it.
-Ain't got what?
-Your mum always said you were a bit slow-witted.
Huh?
I'm here to get my money.
Now that Pam's gone, I'm on
a bit of a ticking clock, you see.
Sorry, wait, wait. How did you know
that was in there?
Can you keep a secret?
I'm not really blind.
And I've known all along
William.
Oh, hello.
Hiya.
-You told everyone you were blind.
-No, that's not fair.
I never said I was blind.
I said I was visually impaired.
-What's the difference?
-Have you got all day?
Wait. So what IS your impairment?
-Just double vision, really.
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
So instead of being blind,
you can see two of me?
-Yeah. It's funny, really, eh?
-I don't think it's funny.
-I think it's a bit rum.
-Coming from you?!
You've got a nerve, you Fendons.
Now, if you don't mind,
I have got a flight to catch.
I'll be seeing you, then.
All four of you!
Probably in hell, if you
believe in that sort of thing.
THUD
Take that, you loathsome
mole-eyed bum hole.
DEBBIE SIGHS
Told you I was saving it
for a special occasion.
Finally, I can retire.
Oh, bloody hell!
It's like Jonestown.
REPORTER: - After
her arrest six weeks ago,
it emerged that Jean Cotterill
seduced Pamela Anderson,
a local vulnerable woman,
and had been slowly poisoning her
with modafinil, which she'd been
stealing from another villager,
in order to cause a heart attack.
Her plan was to steal
the inheritance.
Cotterill, who's partially sighted,
even led Pamela
and other villagers to believe that
she was in fact completely blind.
This has been
a shockingly dramatic case
in this small, quiet
and peaceful village.
I am surprised, but then I'm not,
cos if you ask me, this village
is a little bit damned.
Why do they always use
the stupidest people for vox pops?
Yeah!
We just can't believe it, you know?
Oh We were flabbergasted.
This is a law-abiding,
quiet, transparent community.
-So there isn't a lot of crime here?
-What?
There's no crime at all.
I leave my doors open.
Anybody who wants to come into
my house can come into my house.
There's absolutely NOTHING
to hide there. At all.
Cotterill was charged
with attempted murder,
but that was dropped
in exchange for her pleading guilty
to administering a toxic substance.
She's now been sentenced
to four and a half years.
Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson,
thankfully, it's time for her to be
reunited with old friends.
This is Steve Knibbs in Colberton.
Aw
NEWSREADER: - Plans
to build the UK's largest
- TV OFF
- It's amazing she survived, really.
I mean, doctors said she had
more amphetamine in her system
than Diego Maradona.
-Jean Cotterill, supervillain.
-HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
Who'd have thought, Mum? You weren't
the biggest criminal in the village.
You weren't even
the biggest criminal in widow club.
Excuse me. I'm not a criminal.
You're only a criminal
if you get caught.
-I'm not sure that's how it works.
-Oh, wind your neck in, PC Pedant.
Sorry to be slow,
but if Pamela's innocent,
why did she put the blackmail letter
in your pocket at the casino club?
Because Jean asked her to. Told her
it was a voucher for Lakeland.
Poor old girl was being used
as a totally unwitting mule.
-Yeah. And you nearly killed her.
-Oh, Harold. Do you ever let anything go?
Did we get the Lakeland voucher?
Because they do a very good range
of dual-ended silicone spatulas
that can get right into
the crannies of a yoghurt pot,
you know, scoop it all out.
No.
Right, we must get on.
Guests arriving in an hour.
All hands on deck for nibble prep.
And remember, don't let Billie
have too much quiche,
or she'll be guffing all afternoon.
HE GROANS
One minute I was grilling a chop,
the next it was like being
back in the Falklands!
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
-And it was a guinea pig?
-Oh, yeah. He's got a scar
-from its little teeth. Show her.
-I'll take your word for it.
-I just feel so foolish.
-You must forgive yourself.
Sometimes a good heart
doesn't see the bad.
That's very profound, Rupert.
Isn't this nice?
You've just committed fraud,
got away with being blackmailed,
narrowly avoided killing
one of your best friends
and still have your supposedly
dead husband in the loft, and so
you decide to invite the whole
village round for a house party?
Exactly. If all that
isn't cause for celebration,
I don't know what is.
CORK POPS
- GEOFF:
- Ow!
-Oh, sorry, Geoff.
-Not again! Bloody hell!
She will need top grades
for medicine, like myself.
It's a difficult industry
-That's the one I've got here, so
-Yeah, OK.
-Sorry, just have to squeeze by.
-I know you don't! -I do.
Ah, there they are,
Harry Potter and Dobby.
-I got a bit bored.
-Yeah, tell me about it.
Come on, then. Budge up.
HARRY GROANS
Ooh! Yes, please.
CHOCOLATE WRAPPER RUSTLES
Sh!
- ALL:
- Cheers.
Mmm.
Excuse me. Do you have any hand-san?
Because I accidentally brushed
that man's corduroy trousers,
and the grooves are terrible
for harbouring bacteria.
No, sorry, I don't have any.
SHE SIGHS
You know, the last few weeks
is the most we've been together
-since I left school.
-All it took was your dad dying.
I suppose I've always
brought people together,
first in life and now in death.
And when you think about it,
I'm not unlike Jesus.
Which makes Mum Pontius Pilate.
That's very bloody rude.
Do you think your own mother
would murder the Son of God?
-No. It was a joke.
-Well, it's not funny.
-All right. Sorry.
-When will you learn
-that your supposed jokes are actually very offensive?
-All right.
-I'm hardly Dave Chappelle.
-Who's that?
Ah.
WHISPERS: Can you keep a secret?