Crap Happens (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
You ready to become a star, Toni?
Yeah, yeah.
CRAP HAPPENS
FLEISCHER 24H TOWING SERVICE
Hello?
Johnny!
Where are the tacos?
No one's here yet?
Who is she?
That's Doris. I couldn't cancel
the driving lesson in time, sadly.
So where are the tacos?
I have no clue.
- Miss Fleischer?
- Yes, Doris.
What tacos?
Johnny Carrera makes
the best tacos in the world.
But only at Christmas.
In Mechiko bei Kiel,
people followed the medieval tradition
of eating tacos on Christmas.
With spicy Schleswig-Holstein salsa.
Johnny brought this tradition to Schitten.
His tacos were obscenely good.
But today wasn't Christmas at all.
Man, I hate Johnny Carrera.
But I love his tacos.
I could kill for them.
I'm serious.
I would kill for them.
Believe it or not, Kaia was once charged
with a taco-related assault.
But that's a whole other story.
Am I interrupting?
What the is up with you?
Are you dying or something?
What? No, I was at rehearsal.
Armageddon.
I'm Bruce Willis.
- Miss Fleischer?
- Yes, Doris.
Is Bruce Willis part of the test?
For the last time, Doris, yeah!
So, where are the tacos?
No idea.
Kevin just had kidney surgery
and he's walking home so I can eat tacos,
but okay.
Sorry I'm late. I tried getting out
earlier, but it was like pulling teeth.
Get it?
Pulling teeth?
Nancy's husband, Jörg,
was a dentist, by the way.
The only dentist in all of Schitten.
Enough with your dumb jokes!
Okay.
So, uh, where are the tacos?
Where's Johnny?
Where are the tacos?
And why are these chairs
set up like this?
Forget about the tacos!
It's a trap, the tacos are a lie!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lie, but I didn't know
how else to get you all in one room.
There are no tacos.
But… No, wait! Please.
Hear me out for a sec, and I'll make you
my Mexican Christmas delicacy. Please!
- I don't trust him.
- Should I shoot him?
You have one minute.
Okay. That's great.
My dear family, this is an…
intervention.
For one of my kids.
A "kindervention", if you will.
Yah!
Hey, please, put the gun down! Okay?
For-forget about the name for now.
Anyway… someone in our family
really needs our help.
I'm part of the family?
Someone who's just
consumed by work these days.
Who's absent.
Ow!
Aggressive.
Uncivilized.
Okay, yeah, I'm sorry!
Sorry I yelled at you.
I didn't mean to, Jörg.
But I haven't slept for days. I can't stop
thinking about the pink packages.
And I'm not allowed to think about them
because of the Mayor's stupid orders.
What am I supposed to do?
Nancy, honey, I… actually meant Toni.
Oh, okay.
Charly nearly drowned
in the Havel yesterday
because Toni wasn't with him.
- What?
- Is he all right?
Given the circumstances, yeah.
But if we don't stick together
as a supportive family
and get Toni to come around,
he might lose Charly, and I mean forever.
So I made T-shirts for everyone!
TONI'S RESCUE BRIGADE
Hey!
Oh!
While his family was coming
together, Toni was still feeling euphoric,
and a little high.
Nothing could ruin his good mood today.
For the first time in a long time,
Toni was happy.
Sick.
Toni was determined.
Toni was sure he'd made it.
He had the hit he needed.
I'm so fly, I'm so nice
Kawaaa!
- Buzzard, buzzard…
- My song.
YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR!
RICK (P.S. KAWAAA!)
Taking flight
Kawaaa!
Rick is very proud of you.
No one had ever been proud of Toni.
And don't forget,
they're going to try to drag you down.
- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute, who's "they" again?
Your family.
They'll be jealous of ya.
- Kawaaa!
- Kawaaa!
- Mm.
- Mm.
Kawaaa!
Proud.
Rick is proud.
Maybe his family
would finally be proud of him too.
Dalia, I pulled it off.
I've got the hit.
Aw, how nice.
My office, now.
How fast can you get to Berlin?
- Around three hours?
- I'll give you two.
I'll send you a link
for the ticking-clock app. Don't be late!
Tick. Tock. Tick.
Shit. Charly?
Charly?
Johnny?
Are you having a stroke?
No, I'm trying to look angry.
Where's the record? Where's Charly?
- My dear son…
- Not your son.
What's about to happen
will hurt me far more than you.
Come to the barn.
You're gonna rough me up in the barn?
No, Toni, we're not in Austria.
Come on.
This is an intervention.
Why are you all wearing
those hideous T-shirts?
My dear family.
Doris.
This might come as a shock for you,
but the ghost of your deceased mother
appeared to me recently.
What was she wearing?
Uh… She sent me on a mission, actually--
Hm. She only nags me when I see her.
Uh, okay.
What, really? You saw her too?
Yeah. I wanted to buy
a sun hat the other day.
She suddenly appeared and said,
"I may be dead, but I'm not blind.
Your head's too big for a hat like that."
So I didn't buy it.
Okay.
She gave me tips for tax returns.
She went over her stew recipes with me.
- 5'3", brown hair, discus thrower, right?
- Uh-huh.
She always comforts me when I'm sad.
- Oh.
- Hm… She gives me fitness tips.
That's nice.
Oh…
Okay, everyone can see her, then?
Well, she pulled all of us together
to help you become a better person, Toni.
Here, in my hands,
I have Rico the talking pony.
Johnny, I don't have time
for your ugly horse.
I'm going to Berlin.
You're not ugly.
Charly nearly drowned
in the Havel yesterday.
What?
He called you and asked you to come down
to the stand-up-paddle limbo championship.
- Several times.
- I-I was in the studio.
I wanna see him.
No, Teddy Bear.
He's sleeping.
Please sit down and listen to us.
My son, you are a father.
- Yeah, I know that.
- So please act like you're a father.
Mm.
- Jörg…
- Hm?
You're a father.
Maybe you could help.
What do kids want from a father?
Um, now?
Food in their mouths.
Okay. Uh, no.
Wh-What did you want
the most from your father?
For him to die.
Uh…
And his house.
Oh. And his set of teeth.
Forget it. Thank you, Jörg.
I don't care if they got out.
- Paule, you're a father… Sure, okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, one moment.
Kevin, bud, just lie there on the curb
and I'll come get you as soon as I'm done.
- Mr. Carrera.
- Mm-hm?
- I'm no doctor, how would I know?
- Yes, Doris?
It's just blood.
I'm pregnant.
I don't care, you got it.
And I don't know who the father is.
That's helpful, isn't it?
- What?
- No, Doris, not at all. But thank you.
Glad to help out.
Tick. Tock.
- Oh fuck.
- The point is, you're a father.
And you must be there for your son.
Always. No matter what.
Johnny, I can't always be there, can I?
Yeah, that's the dilemma.
You can't, but you must.
That's what having kids is like.
Paule, what are you talking about?
You're the worst father ever.
- What makes you say that?
- You hate your son.
- I love Kevin!
- Then why are you such a dick to him?
Mm… To toughen him up for life.
Kevin?
You're useless. No one will ever love ya.
- Hm.
- He'll be really strong one day.
Okay, this, uh… This isn't about Paule's
super questionable parenting methods.
You didn't go to Charly
even after the doctor called you.
Hello, this is Dr. Snuts.
There was an accident in the river.
I told you last time, Charly.
Enough with these stupid pranks.
No, this is Dr. Snuts…
Snuts…
I thought it was a prank.
He said his name was Dr. Snuts,
and that voice he had was so stupid.
Your son's life is no longer at risk.
He's doing all right.
But you?
You, sir…
are just plain mean.
I didn't go to med school for this.
Not for this!
Now you've insulted
Dr. Phil D. Snuts, my God.
Okay, how does nobody get
how that sounds like a prank?
"Phil D. Snuts"?
- What's there to get?
- Ah…
Toni, you're responsible for Charly.
And I'm very worried for you.
I'm worried that you might
lose him forever if you keep this up.
Yep.
Your father is right.
Thanks.
So, now explain yourself.
Why did you steal
your mother's golden Trabi, Toni?
What?
Okay.
But don't get mad, all right?
I went to Rick Schmandtke.
Are you serious?
The President of the Supreme Court,
Rick Schmandtke?
- That is so typical of you!
- For sure.
What? No. Renowned star producer,
Rick Schmandtke.
- Rick Schmandtke?
- Oh. And?
I gave him Mom's golden Trabi
in exchange for a hit.
You did what?
You saw Rick fucking Schmandtke
and made a hit with him, bro?
Yeah, man!
Ay. Ay, we gotta listen
to this goddamn hit, dude.
No, no, no, no, no. Th-This intervention
is a rap-free zone, so… End of story.
Now listen up, Carrera!
My best friend pulled it off.
We're listening to his goddamn hit.
Okay.
Toni's hit.
It was the first time
anyone would hear it.
Yeah, I'm cuckoo
Don't know how to act
And Toni was nervous.
His family was upset.
Or pissed, rather.
But suddenly…
I'm so fly
I'm so nice
The song was so good
they couldn't help but dance.
- Kawaaa!
- Wild and free, taking flight
Buzzard's come
To take you to new heights
Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!
I'm so fly, I'm so nice
- Kawaaa!
- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my…
They went totally nuts.
See? It was worth it, right?
Even Johnny could barely keep it together
as the fiery beat got to his hips.
No. Everyone, stop. Cut it out.
Stop, you guys! I have to stop the song
before it… does more damage.
Did you seriously think it was okay
to sell your mother's
most important family heirloom
for some stupid song?
Johnny, this isn't just some song.
This is the hit I've needed
and this is my moment.
But obviously, none of you get it because
you've never taken what I do seriously.
You've never taken me seriously.
But I've pulled it off.
I've made it. I finally made it.
So why can't you guys
just be proud of me for once?
Teddy Bear, how did I
screw up so badly raising you?
- Come on…
- Shame on you.
Now, sit. The intervention's not over.
Tick. Tock. Tick.
So, Rico the talking pony
will gallop around the room,
and we'll each share how we feel.
Who wants to start?
Me!
Sorry, who is this?
Twenty-four long years ago,
I gave you cash in hand
to paint a fence for me,
and you did not paint it.
You did nothing.
How much money was it, now?
Twenty marks.
Here's a ten.
Yeah, good. But I'll tell you one thing.
Cash… can't mend
the wounds inside my soul.
So that's that. Um…
Karo, honey, would you like
to say something to your brother?
It's been eight years since we spoke.
- Really?
- And I'm not going to start now.
Why not, Miss Fleischer?
He ruined my wedding.
Which one?
What the hell do you mean which one?
8 YEARS EARLIER
Okay, wedding video. Karo and Tenzin.
Camera's rolling.
Let's see those smiles.
Come on, smile!
Why isn't there any music?
- It's kinda quiet, yeah.
- He promised.
Figures.
I could sing something if--
Sit down, , or I'll kill you.
Just an idea.
- Where's Toni?
- Pedro, turn the camera off now.
- In a sec, in a sec.
- Oh… Oh!
Here. Here.
Oh, the baby's coming.
- That's it, breathe.
- Keep calm.
We need a doctor!
- Now for… photos.
- Breathe, dammit.
Turn the fucking camera off now!
One sec.
For once in my life,
I asked you for something.
You just had to handle the music.
I was a couple of minutes late.
We sat at my wedding
without music for five hours!
It was supposed to be the best day
of my life, and you ruined it.
That was your fourth wedding.
And the second nicest.
You got married three times after that.
Yeah, so what about it?
Maybe you just have
terrible taste in partners.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, I mean… sorry, guys,
but picking partners
isn't exactly a strength in our family.
What do you mean by that?
Nancy, Jörg is…
Is what?
A wet rag.
No, he's not.
Look at him, will ya?
- Hm.
- Hm.
See what I mean?
Has anyone seen my glasses?
You screwed up.
You left me high and dry
at my wedding without music.
- You're making this my fault?
- Look, Karo.
- I'm Kaia.
- Uh, what? Really? Shit.
- Sorry, I--
- Uh, she's Karo. I'm Kaia.
Huh?
You don't even know
which of us is which?
- Clearly he doesn't.
- The two of them are so different.
For sure.
- Totally.
- For sure.
I always wear my hair up,
and my sister's is down.
Yeah, except today.
You can't even tell
your own sisters apart, for God's sake.
Freaking hell is wrong with you?
Why are you nagging me about all these
stupid little things today of all days?
Okay, Teddy Bear,
they're not stupid little things.
You insulted your sisters.
- I mean, Rico the talking pony…
- He even insulted me.
And while everyone was shouting at him,
Toni remembered Rick's words.
They'll be jealous of you…
…of the soaring buzzard wings
of your creativity.
And your family will try to drag you down.
Kawaaa!
Kawaaa!
Kawaaa!
Stop!
Jesus.
It's exactly like Rick said, isn't it?
You don't want me to succeed.
You secretly got together to drag me down.
What? No, my son,
that's not what's happening here.
I pulled it off, I made it.
I finally did it.
And it's exactly like it's always been.
You don't care who I am
or what I want to achieve.
You just wanna drag me down.
You have nothing better to do
than annoy me with your stories,
and I've had enough.
Toni, during my many years
in dental school,
- I've learned something that I--
- I don't have time for this guilt trip.
Let me speed things up here.
Okay, you have a problem with me
because I don't floss or whatever.
You monster.
You blame me
for all your failed relationships.
Not her.
Whatever.
You, um… I don't even know who you are.
I'm Doris.
- Good luck with your baby, Doris.
- Thank you!
You've got nothing else,
that's why you're clinging to me.
You peaked in high school
and never grew up.
Ow.
And you, you're just jealous.
Jealous? Of what?
Because I'm a buzzard.
- What exactly is a buzzard?
- Kinda like an eagle.
Why not just say eagle?
Because it's cooler, Doris!
I'm a buzzard.
And you're a ladybug.
You follow orders and do what you're told.
But I stand up for things I care about.
Sure, I don't always play by the rules,
but at least
I am doing something with myself.
That's what you think of us?
That we're not doing anything
with our lives?
You know what I mean.
I don't, actually.
What, you think you're better than us?
That we're all just freakin' hilljacks?
Pretty much.
What? I mean,
maybe you're happy
in a shitty place like this.
I'm not.
I'm done with it all.
What about me?
Hey.
Are you feeling better?
Are you also done with me?
No, of course not.
That's kinda what you said.
Did you hear my song? It's really good.
I don't care how good your stupid song is.
I don't need some rapper in my life.
What I really need is a dad.
You don't get it.
Of course Toni got it. He wasn't stupid.
But he was a rapper. With a dream.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
And Charly had never
been part of that dream.
The intervention's complete.
SENTIMENTAL GOODBYE SONGS
"This is my
right-place-at-the-right-time moment,"
Toni thought to himself.
"I've been working toward this
for 18 years."
"I have to go to Berlin now."
"I'll get my career moving,
and then I'll come back
and sort things out with Charly."
"He'll still be here later.
But my shot won't."
Do you think so too?
That I just play by the rules
and do what I'm told?
You're as trustworthy
as a ceramic filling.
That's what matters, sweetie.
JUNKYARD 4 KM
What's there to talk about?
"It was just like back then," he thought.
"Whatever. I'll come back as a star."
"But this time for real.
And nothing will stop me."
NOOOO!!!
What?
SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL
But Toni's determined departure
left its mark.
(CHILD WHINES)
DAD…?!
Nancy was deeply hurt by Toni's words.
"I'm not some ladybug that
just does what it's told," she thought.
"I can listen to my heart too."
Nancy immediately thought…
"The mayor has to hear about this."
And deep down, she was hoping to get
a nice dose of Ferres' love and praise
for her huge discovery.
What a wonderful birthday.
My birthday's in June.
My birthday.
Oh, damn it.
Miss Mayor, excuse me.
May I have a moment
of your very valuable time?
You have one minute.
I followed my heart today, Mayor.
Why would you do something like that?
Hm.
I examined this substance
with the Addiction Master 3000.
What?
I have reason to believe
it's a new kind of addictive substance
produced right here in Schitten.
I believe I said no investigations.
Yeah, but I can't just sit and watch
as our wonderful Schitten turns into
a filthy hellhole like Berlin, right?
Well, you're fired.
What?
I said you're fired! Get out of my sight!
Mm.
Yes, ma'am.
I'll give you the real ones tomorrow.
It has been an honor to serve you.
Oh, and I got this
for your birthday, Sergej.
Oh.
Cutie Heart headquarters.
The heart of the German rap business.
For half his life, Toni had dreamed of
walking in here with a hit in his hands.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Good luck with the audition.
Thank you, bro.
The moment of truth had come.
Higher, higher, higher
We want to lift you higher
- Kawaaa!
- Higher, higher, higher
We want to lift you higher
Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!
I'm so fly, I'm so nice
Kawaaa!
Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice
- Kawaaa!
- Wild and free, taking flight
Buzzard's come
To take you to new heights
Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!
I'm so fly, I'm so nice
Toni…
Bringing you in was a gamble.
Dalia… I can always go back to Rick.
I-I-I'll just drive over
to his place, and…
This isn't a hit.
What? What? No, no, no, no, no, wait--
This thing, this very song we just heard…
it's a super hit!
What?
It's exactly what we wanted to hear.
Huh?
I was just messing with you, man.
The song is perfect!
Toni?
Don't talk to me I ain't got no time
Runnin' through the hood
With an oat flat white
Swag!
Another block headed
For gentrification
New housing, glossy windows
Glorification
Until their walls get sprayed
With graffiti-fication
On their front porch
Is where I left defecation
Going in circles, no control
Where did the remote go?
Where? Where? Where?
Roadblock can't change
The deepest, darkest channels in my mind
There ain't no way
- A sign of the times
- Times are changing
Combined to design the divine
An assignment
Through everyday grindin'
I climb on a rugged incline
Stream your spine
To find a place
In the shadows to shine
Tryin' to make it down these roads
At a stop
We're at a stop
- Policeman says, "Stop"
- Stop
- But I won't stop
- Stop
Stop
- Gotta make it work
- Stop
I'm just out here
Tryin' to make it work
Nonstop
It's gridlock
Crazy gridlock
Traffic jam