DMV (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Wait. That's not fair.
How come Regular Kristen
gets to bring in her kid,
but I can't bring in
my pet snake?
Maybe because when you did,
it laid eggs
in Colette's floppy purse.
Yeah, and they looked a lot
like yogurt-covered almonds.
-Mmm.
-Good morning.
First off,
happy birthday, Kristen.
Aww. Cheers, Kris
Sorry, which Kristen?
Hot Kri
Young Kri That one.
-Happy birthday.
-Come on.
You get to wear the
birthday pin.
Um, can I just
leave early instead?
No. Now,
Big Sac sent us
some awesome new swag.
-Yay.
-Lame.
-Lame.
-Now,
to remind us to stay healthy
during cold-and-flu season,
everybody,
meet Huey the Hygiene Raccoon.
That makes zero sense.
Raccoons are literally filthy.
They eat out of the garbage.
Mary? She loves raccoons.
She calls them "trash pandas."
Oh, my God, that's so funny.
Did she come up
with that herself?
-She did.
-Amazing.
-Girl, tighten up. -Yeah.
-You know what
reminds me
to stay healthy, Barb?
-Tell me, Gregg.
-The fact that we only have
three paid sick days per year.
Speaking of, full disclosh:
my pin worms are back,
highly contagsh.
-Gross.
-Yeah. Yeah.
I got cooties.
Oh
-Cute couple, no?
-Oh, my God.
I'm just kidding,
they're both super cringe.
So, what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
There's nothing to do.
I guess I could focus on me.
Oh, my God,
you are such a white girl.
"I guess I can hop on my Zoom
with my therapist."
Or, "I can go grab
my weighted blanket"
"and eat Greek yogurt
on the couch
for some #self-care."
Ooh, better yet, "I'll log
onto a neighborhood app"
"and give my two cents
to make sure everybody else
"heard the scary noise I heard
in the middle of the night.
Mm."
You're way off.
I couldn't begin to move
my weighted blanket
to the couch.
It's a 20-pounder, so
Are you done making fun of me?
I do have to update
that app, though.
-I heard a really bad thing.
-Oh, my God, listen.
There is absolutely
always something you can do.
You just need
the help of an expert.
Oh, and who would that be?
I am the expert.
-You have a lit candle in there.
-Yeah,
it has to burn continuously
so I can read the wax.
If it tunnels, that means
my sister's been lying
about how she's paying
for her Jetta.
Is this a diorama
-of the office?
-Mm-hmm.
Ooh, is that me?
-Ah!
-No touching.
Yes, I put a spell
over the branch
to protect us
from getting shut down.
A spell? That is crazy.
Unless it's a part
of your culture.
Yeah. Hot Girl culture.
Listen, not many people know
about my witching cabinet,
but I feel super bad for you.
Plus, I know exactly what you
need to break up Mary and Noa.
"A freezing spell to cool off
the passionate wildfire
of two bodies."
Uh, "passionate wildfire"?
That's a bit much.
Mm. You're giving Delululemon.
-Oh.
-So, all you need to do
is wrap a red string
around a photo of Noa
to tie him to your heart.
Then we place the photo
in the freezer,
and it will cool off
his feelings for Mary.
Oh, that's easy.
I-I'm never doing that.
Ugh, my God, you sound
exactly like my sister.
-The fun one or the pretty one?
-The annoying one.
Look, I might be
a little "delulu,"
but I'm not, like,
at casting magic spells yet.
No, I miss you.
I miss you way more.
I can't, no. I'm at work.
All right. One kiss.
So, do I need a wand?
Ah. Happy B-day, K-Dog.
-What are you, like, 30?
-What? Ew.
No, I'm 24.
If I was turning 30,
I'd literally kill myself.
I guess I should
kill myself twice.
Well, you work at the DMV,
so your life is basically over.
-Good to know.
-Who did this?
Who would draw
Huey holding
two big rocket ships?
Rockets? I
-Barb, those are
-Rockets.
Those are big,
hard rockets. Mm.
This doesn't make any sense.
Does somebody want
to blast Huey into space?
I mean, he's gripping
onto these things for dear life.
-Who drew these?
-Maybe the same person that did those.
Who's the culprit?
Step forward.
Hmm?
This isn't over.
'Cause nobody's gonna make
an ass out of Big Sac.
This is some of
your finest work.
Aww. Gratitude.
But I can't take credit.
My "rockets" have
a signature curve.
Hey.
The-the-the asset is
in the vault.
Oh, you printed the photo
off of Noa's Instagram?
-Come on.
-Relax, weirdo.
Okay, take it out. Come on.
You need to tie
this binding string around it
-to tie him to your heart.
-Mm.
Then we're gonna pop it
in the freezer after.
He's gonna be so cold in there.
Ay, Dios mío,
dame calm a que la mató.
Oh, was that the spell?
Do I need to repeat it?
-No.
-Oh.
-Okay. Done.
-Okay.
Great.
Just gonna pop him behind
this nine-year-old box
of baking soda.
Now what I do?
Now, we wait for the spell
to work its magic.
-Ooh!
-Ah
Yeah, okay.
Thought we were having fun.
-All good.
-Ice cream cake's melting.
-Got to put it in the freezer.
-What? No, no. No.
I would love
some ice cream cake.
Give me that.
Okay, maybe just take a slice?
No, I'm-I'm very hungry.
Thank you. Oh. Mmm
This is just
what my body needed.
Oh, my God.
Is this what getting old
is like?
Uh what is this?
Why is everyone
using the freezer today?
Why? Why would anyone do this?
I mean,
why does anybody do anything?
Like, why did I just eat
so much ice cream cake
if I'm lactose intolerant?
Maybe it's menopause.
Ah, thank you, Kristen.
Hey, this this creepy
little red string,
why is it tied around my neck
like it's trying to choke me?
Uh, no, I
really don't think it's that.
I think we should consider
other explanations.
Like, maybe
it's a festive neck scarf
or a mini lanyard or a cravat,
you fancy boy.
The point is,
we just don't know.
-Okay?
-Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.
-What?
-Oh, no. It c it can't be.
Okay, back-back in New Zealand,
I dated this girl,
-Janine
-Ew.
And when I broke up with her,
she became, like,
full-on obsessed.
Can you imagine?
I never imagine
anything about you, ever.
She started following me around
and leaving me
weird messages like this.
-Oh, no.
-It went on for months.
I had to get
a restraining order.
Do you think she followed me
to the States?
That's it.
It's Jeanie.
-Janine. It's Janine.
-Yeah, it's one of those two.
-Definitely.
-Okay. Okay.
Well, I-I'm gonna
check back home and see
if anyone's heard from her.
Wait. Noa?
Yeah.
Find her.
Okay.
I'm a bad guy.
Ah. What you up to, Barb?
On that cam girl grind?
I'm making sure the rocket
vandal doesn't strike again.
So, that's a surveillance
camera in the employee area?
Yeah, I mean,
we already have them
out front
and in the waiting room.
Now we're going
full Big Brother, boys.
Barb, this is an invasion
of privacy.
How do you think I feel, Gregg?
These are my cameras
from my house.
Now I'm not gonna know
what my cats are doing.
Barb, it's just a prank.
It's defacement of DMV property
and an insult to the men
and women of the space program.
The cameras stay up.
Unless
one of you would like
to confess.
Yeah, I don't know
Well, until someone does,
I will be watching you
as closely as my doctor's
watching my cholesterol.
And he is concerned.
Okay, Vic.
I can't take my secret chair
naps with Big Barb watching.
-I told you I didn't do it.
-Please.
Plus, I feel for Barb.
I use my cat cam
to check on Weezy.
Look at that. She's bushed.
We had a crazy game
of laser chase last night.
Dude, why are you
so convinced that it's me?
-Maybe it's you, Gregg.
-Yeah, sure.
You are the only person
in this whole building
capable of that
juvenile behavior.
Okay, name one juvenile thing
that I've ever done.
Sloppy Salmon. Cup of farts.
Bowl of boogies.
Ham in the fax machine.
You really think
that little of me?
Yeah, kinda.
Wow.
Okay.
Thanks, Gregg.
And B-T-dubs,
it's a jar of farts.
A cup would just let them out.
Ma'am, you got
to take the sunglasses off.
The government doesn't really
care about your signature look.
Sorry, official DMV business.
Uh, I love the,
I love the glasses.
Noa thinks that there's
some crazy girl
out there
who's obsessed with him.
Mm. Found her.
The freezer photo
is a disaster, Ceci.
He found the photo.
Now he thinks
his stalker's back.
Okay, well, I've got
real problems to deal with.
If Barb keeps putting up these
security cameras to spy on us,
I'm not gonna be able
to finish my class.
What class?
Oh, I'm getting
my real estate license
so I can be on Selling Sunset.
Last week, we learned
"location, location,"
this week,
"location, location, location."
I thought you wanted
to be a pastry chef.
Mm, no, I kept losing my nails
in the fondant.
-Oh. Hey, Noa.
-Hey.
-You feeling better?
-Uh, no.
But I got the keys
to the security closet,
so I'm gonna check the footage
for any signs of Janine.
And her forehead
with my name tattooed on it.
This is great.
-This is terrible.
-No, if Noa thinks
his stalker is back,
you're off the hook.
But he looks
so worried. He's gonna waste
his entire lunch hour
looking through footage.
I feel so guilty.
Mm. I've got a candle for that.
And can you scram, little one?
Go look at the second
hottest girl in the office.
That's what I'm doing.
Hot Kristen went
to the bathroom.
Excuse me?
Look at old Huey.
Just begging for it in this one.
Yeah, it's like they
draw them with the rocket ships
and then remove them.
And this beaut's
perfectly located
out of frame
from Barb's cameras.
Yeah, it's like a blind spot
between two prison watchtowers.
Solid nap country.
I'm gonna set up a stakeout
to catch the real culprit,
and when I do,
you're gonna feel so terrible
for falsely accusing me.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll join you.
Sounds good.
Great, we'll catch "him"
together.
Fine.
Now we just wait for the perp
to come into view.
Yep. Who could it be?
Hey.
Hey, Colette. What's up?
I know you're worried,
so I just wanted to tell you,
this exact same thing
happened to me,
and it ended up
being totally fine.
Someone tied
a red piece of string around
a picture of you
and put it in the freezer
in the break room
at your place of business?
Yes. Ish.
Details were
a little different, but
Point is, no need to stress,
so let's go get smoothies
at the Chevron.
I can't, I-I'm sorry.
I-I'm just really worried
Janine is back.
She's not.
Who else would do this?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe just some
poor, random girl
who had a brief lapse
in otherwise
pretty spectacular judgment.
Spitballing here, maybe she
or he, let's be inclusive
was attracted to you
and then made the mistake
of listening
to a coworker's advice
and now is filled
with buckets of regret.
Spitball complete.
Colette, do you know
something about this?
Me? N-No. And, uh, no
Oh, my God, it was you.
Janine made me do it.
Ceci.
Look.
Look, she's carrying
the red string.
But why? Why-why would Ceci
do something like this?
This is really, uh,
hard for me to say, Noa,
but, um
Ceci's in love with you.
Sir, no. No peace signs.
No, no finger hearts, either.
Enough with the fingers.
What are you doing?
Put your hands down.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Good news, uh,
Noa no longer thinks
that his stalker ex-girlfriend
is back.
Yeah, I wasn't
really worried about that.
We-we-we do have
un picanteissue, though.
Uh, he-he now thinks
that you're in love with him.
Which is crazy, right?
It's because I told him
that-that, that you're
in love with him.
You are so lucky
that I am on my healing journey,
because otherwise,
it would be hoops off right now.
If he knew it was me,
it would ruin any chance
-I have with him.
-Oh,
and then you guys couldn't go
to the farmers market together
to buy arugula? Ugh.
I don't sound like that.
Oh, my God, I do.
-Okay, you know what?
-Hmm?
I got you.
But you need to do
something for me.
Literally anything.
Please be easy, please be easy,
please be easy.
Tell everyone it was you
who drew the rocket wieners.
On the posters?
Why? What do you care?
Uh, hello. No classes means
no real estate license,
and that means
no Selling Sunset,
which means no dating
one of the tiny
little billionaires.
Everyone's gonna think
I'm, like, a pervert.
Well, would you rather
be a pervert
or have Noa think
you're his stalker?
Why are those my choices?
Fine. You got yourself
a deal, her man a.
-Mm-mm.
-You were doing the white girl thing.
-Not the same.
-Nope. Gotcha.
Bye.
Oh, no.
He struck again. We missed it.
Wow. You are unbelievable.
The lengths you'll go
to deny that it's you.
What? Is there something on
something on my face?
You think I drew this on my own
face while I was asleep?
No, I think you waited
for me to fall asleep
because you saw
it was the perfect alibi
for you to draw a rocket
on your own face.
That's crazy.
Insane crazy.
And I'll have you know,
I draw my rockets uncircumcised.
You know what?
You're just like Mrs. Richards.
Ah. Mrs. Richards.
The person whose name
you haven't mentioned
in all the years
we've worked together.
Well, if you would
ever listen to me,
you'd know that Mrs. Richards
was my super smoking hot
sixth-grade teacher,
and she blamed me
for letting out hundreds
of crickets in the library.
And you know what? It was
Toby Stevens who did that,
and I don't know who did this.
Oh, my God,
they went from raccoons
to humans?
This stops now.
Everybody! Conference room.
I need an afternoon
emergency dump.
A big old dump.
Let's go.
Great.
Ow. God
-Need some help?
-Yes, please.
Okay.
Hey, Noa.
Uh, Ceci, is there something
you would like to say
-to Noa?
-Sure.
-Mm-hmm?
-I, Ceci,
put your photo in the freezer
as part of a love spell
because I am madly
in love with you.
Okay. Um, okay, Colette,
she tipped me off,
-and, um
-Yes, I am so head over heels.
-Okay.
-It is my dream to become
nothing other than Mrs
Ceci
-New Zealand.
-Wow.
Look, I'm flattered.
I-I truly am.
-Yeah.
-But I'm so sorry,
I-I am with Mary.
-For now.
-And to be completely honest,
-you're not really my type.
-What the hell did you just say to me?
-I said you're not
-Did you just say that I'm not your type?
-I'm so sorry, no, no, no
-I'm sorry, do you wear glasses?
-Ceci, you're upset.
-I Mm
I'm so upset. I am
it's just really hard
-for me to hear.
-It's okay.
I understand.
-Thank you.
-I hate you.
Okay.
We got to stop work for this,
and folks are mad.
Nobody leaves this room until
the poster culprit steps forth.
Mm
-Oh, Colette?
-Yep?
Don't you have
something you would like
to share with everyone?
Uh yep.
Hey, everybody, um,
it was me who drew
the rocket ships.
I love me some rocket ships.
I can't get enough.
-No way.
-See? I told you it wasn't me.
Please. Colette didn't do it.
She's hardly ever seen
a rocket ship in her whole life.
Uh, yes, I have, Gregg.
I've seen four. And felt six.
Uh, at the Air and Space Museum?
Okay, uh, let's be for real.
It's obviously Vic.
I'm-I'm sick and tired
of everyone accusing me
Am I a bit of a prankster? Sure.
-He's a man-child. It was him.
-Rocket ships.
I'm obsessed with them. Gregg?
Here's how
we're gonna settle this.
Everyone get up
and go to the whiteboard
and draw a rocket ship
right now.
That's right, big rockets
just like the posters.
I'm talking fueled up
and ready to blast. Get up!
Oh, my God.
Are you seriously
gonna let Barb make everyone
go up there and draw a penis?
They're what?
-They're penises, Barb.
-Yeah.
The rock Oh, my God.
Marker put your markers down.
Put 'em down.
Everybody, get back to work!
-Gladly.
-Man.
-I hope you're happy.
-I am.
Hey, Colette? It's
I I'm so sorry
I freaked out about
the Janine of it all.
-Oh.
-Bit embarrassed about that, so
Oh, why do you feel embarrassed?
Because I want you
to think I'm cool.
And I think
that you're cool, so
-Yeah.
-You think that I'm cool?
I do. Yeah, of course.
-Back to work? Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-I'm gonna go. Yeah.
-Okay.
-Oop. I-I'll go this way.
-Oh. That's Okay.
Three, two, one,
blast off!
I'm gonna be an astronaut.
Oh.
They were rockets.
I could have been wrong here.
Ya think?
I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?
Let me draw a rocket
on your face.
No.
Aww.
Had to ask.
Great job, kid.
Okay, little me.
Where do we want to go next?
Oh, Helen Mirren!
Oh, my God. Barb!
Chutes and Ladders,
that was weird.
Came out of nowhere.
You're too good, bruja.
You're too good.
Captioned by Media Access