Eternally Yours (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

Seriously? Max, you don't lead
with a high card.
Haven't you ever played Whist?
Sorry, I'm more familiar
with games that, you know, are
from the last century.
Okay, we're not that old.
I've heard you complain
multiple times
about the Earl of Sandwich.
Because putting meat
between bread was my idea.
[door closes]
What up, gang?
Hello, my sweet wife.
Jesse, you left your mug
in the sink again.
The dishwasher is right here.
I am so sorry. I'll do it now.
I shouldn't have
to remind you every time.
What do I look like,
your mother?
No one say anything.
It's just inconsiderate.
I mean
You have no memory
of the mug, Phyllis.
- Oh, hey, sweetie.
How was the gym?
- So good.
- PHYLLIS: [chuckles] Oh.
- [chuckles]
H-How often does he do that?
I mean, I get it when
it's about, you know
- Good. Subtle.
- Seems like he uses it
for lots of little things, too.
I guess, now that
you mention it,
- he might lean on it a bit much.
- JESSE: All right.
- Love you.
- Jesse, are you just
gonna leave your gym bag
on the floor?
Sorry, I got it.
Someone could trip over it.
I mean, how inconsiderate can
It was never
on the ground, Phyllis.
Oh, hey, sweetie.
How was the gym?
- So good.
- Aw.
God, I wish I could do that
to my wife.
For instance,
now would be a convenient time
for such a power.
Whist.
♪
MAX:
[sighs] I am so exhausted.
I'm getting zero sleep
in Mort and Henry's room.
- Has Mort been snoring?
- [scoffs] I wish
he were snoring.
It is so much worse.
He's been working out
this new stand-up material
about being a half-vampire.
It's tough being half-vampire.
You don't feel quite human,
and full vampires like
to give you a hard time.
They're like, "What,
you only have one fang?
"You bite someone's neck
and it looks like
you punched a hole
in a Capri-Sun?"
HENRY: It's not that
I don't think it's funny.
It's just
it's hard to laugh in a world
so full of heartbreak.
Mort, is there any way I could
hear your stand-up routine
in the morning?
Nah, comedy's better at night.
Speaking of night,
what time did the half-vampire
go to bed?
Half-past.
I am so tired.
It's just a very specific niche,
and I'm not sure
there's an audience for it.
Look,
I know that your dad
was against me
sharing a room with you,
but maybe we could
revisit the idea?
Obviously, I would love that,
but you know
- he's not gonna go for it.
- [sighs]
This is crazy.
I'm a vampire now. I live here.
When is he gonna
warm up to me already?
Look, there are worse things
than not being liked by my dad.
For instance,
several of my boyfriends
were killed by
a jealous stalker werewolf.
[sighs] Sorry I was gone
so long.
With the skirts and the
crinolines and the petticoats,
it's a whole production.
[gasping]: Oh, my
Oh, come on, Larry.
I actually really liked
this one.
Look, werewolves kill vampires.
That's just how it is.
But, hey, uh,
now that you're single
It's not happening, Larry.
- Oh, my God.
- Point is,
it could be worse.
So we sleep
in separate bedrooms,
- it's not the end of the world.
- But we're adults.
I mean, one of us is 250.
A very young, happening 250.
Nice save.
Look, maybe we could
just talk to your dad?
Plead our case?
Max, there you are.
What do you think of this?
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana suck some of your blood,
but then also
eat some human food.
Half-vampire. Eh?
[forced laugh]
Yeah, we'll talk to my dad.
Yeah.
APRIL [over TV]:
That's right. I've been
alive this whole time.
Oh, my God.
I did not see that coming.
- PHYLLIS: Jesse.
- Oh, crap.
Is this April Forever?
- No.
- PHYLLIS: Yes, it is.
That's April,
who keeps repeating
the same month over and over.
APRIL:
It's tax day? Again?
It's not the best concept.
I can't believe you watched
ahead. That's our show.
I wasn't watching any prestige
drama without you, Phyllis.
Oh, hey, guys.
Just sitting on the couch?
- Yep. Just having a sit.
- PHYLLIS: Sounds good.
- Well, I'm off to mah-jongg.
- Okay.
- PHYLLIS: Bye.
- See ya.
- You give 'em hell, hon.
[sighs]
Woof, that was a close one.
- [weak chuckle]
- All right, back to it.
- Jesse
- Yeah?
Do you ever feel like
maybe, sometimes,
you overdo it
with wiping Phyllis's mind?
- Where's this coming from?
- Well,
Max pointed it out this morning,
and now, I kind of
can't unsee it.
And, yeah, I get it
with the vampire stuff,
but you're using it to just
avoid little arguments.
Yeah, I mean,
I don't like fighting,
so, you know,
just makes things easier.
Mm-hmm, but
doesn't it seem like maybe
it's not super nice to Phyllis?
Okay, that's a fair point.
But counterpoint, you
and Charles fight all the time.
So, you don't exactly
seem to be a model couple.
I'm just saying,
maybe there's a happy medium
between all the time
and complete avoidance.
And sometimes,
fighting can lead to growth
and deepened intimacy.
You mean like
makeup sex?
Have you experienced it?
I mean, I've heard tales of it.
Well, let me just say,
it is one hell of a ride.
Dad Max and I are gonna
come talk to you
about sharing a room.
I want you to listen,
hear us out,
and then say, "Absolutely not."
I-I'm confused.
So you don't want
to share a room with Max?
No. At least, not yet.
We've never even
spent the night together.
We've been physical, of course.
Do not need to hear this.
But then, you turned him
into a vampire,
and he had to move
into the house,
and I love having him here,
but I just feel like
I need some small space
that's just my own.
Well, why don't you
just tell him
you don't want to share a room?
Because he's sensitive.
I don't want to be the bad guy.
And, you know,
it works coming from you
'cause you're famously anti-Max.
"Famously." I like that.
- I like that people are talking.
- Please, Dad.
I want to give this relationship
every chance to succeed.
I just feel like
us sharing a room now,
this soon
I worry it's the kind of thing
that could break us up.
- You know what? I will help you.
- Thanks, Dad.
And, obviously, this
conversation never happened.
Oh, this is a fun side of you.
Very Machiavellian.
You know, he gets a bad rap.
He was actually
a wonderful fellow.
Like, sure,
there was some scheming,
but we were all scheming back
then. There wasn't much to do.
Okay, I'm gonna
leave your office now.
- Good talk.
- Okay, bye.
So, there I was, in the middle
of Chico's with Judy Glaser,
and here comes Carol Cooper,
so I say, "Hi, Carol."
Friendly as can be,
and she walks right by,
like she doesn't see us.
That's great.
Great? Why is it great?
- Jesse, are you even listening?
- Huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm s-- I'm sorry.
I was just quickly
checking the score.
- I am all ears now.
- Okay.
So, I figure Carol's got her
hearing aid turned down, fine.
- But then, we're having
a quick bite at Panera's
- Come on.
Carol. [scoffs]
Is what I would've said to her,
you know, for
doing what she did.
You know what, Jesse,
just forget it.
I don't even know why I bother.
Hey, you're not always
listening when I talk.
Oh, I'm sorry, let me hear again
the riveting retelling
of the recent
Men's Health article
you read on interval training.
It was interesting.
Said nobody ever.
Unbelievable. You know what?
What are you doing
with your hand?
[sighs]
Actually
nothing.
Phyllis, let's have a fight.
That's what we're doing,
you moron.
- Okay, don't call me a moron.
- Then don't be one.
Wow.
This is really happening.
What are you talking about?
I'm so, so sorry. You go,
you go, you go. No, let me go.
I-I don't know
how this works exactly,
but I am excited to find out.
Dad, do you have a minute?
It's kind of important.
Well, this is certainly
unexpected,
but for you two,
I can make time.
Look, I know that
you're old-fashioned,
but these days,
it's actually very common
for couples like Emma and myself
to sleep in the same room,
even outside
the confines of marriage.
We're asking you
to reconsider your decision
about Max and me sharing a room
because it's very, very
important to me.
[Charles sighs]
Fine with me.
- Really?
- What?
Who am I to get in the way
of two consenting adults
who obviously just want
to take their relationship
- to the next level?
- MAX: That's great, Charles.
We really appreciate it.
You're sure about this, Dad?
- I have no objections, Emma.
- EMMA: Well, if you did,
I don't think anyone
would be surprised,
seeing as how that would be very
consistent with your character.
Uh, honey, come on. "Don't
sell past yes," am I right?
Maybe I'm just feeling generous,
but you have my blessing.
This wasn't the plan, Dad.
MAX:
The plan?
What-what-what is happening?
Yes, Emma, pray tell us.
What is happening?
You were supposed to say no.
Wait, what? W-What is going on?
[sighs]
Okay, Max, here's the deal.
I was concerned about us
sharing a room so quickly,
so I told my dad to say no
when we asked.
Wait, so you-you don't want
to share a room with me?
Not yet.
So you lied?
Why didn't you just tell me?
Because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
Oh, well, mission accomplished.
I feel awesome.
- No. Max, I'm
- No, I [sighs]
I'm sorry.
What the hell, Dad?
What happened to the plan?
After we finished
our father-daughter scheming,
I went off and did some
solo scheming, and I figured,
rather than do something
that would help
your relationship with Max,
I could go the other way.
So you're trying
to break us up on purpose?
I just think you can do better.
Is that a surprise?
I'm famously anti-Max.
Your words.
Can't believe you.
Here's a tip: don't make deals
with people who reference
Machiavelli.
- As long as you carry
- JESSE: Oh, Liz. Liz.
- I took your advice.
I stopped wiping my wife.
- Oh.
Even when you know
what it means,
it still doesn't sound good.
- Seriously, Dad? What happened?
- JESSE: I realized
I can't keep doing that
to your mother all the time.
I mean, I thought that I was
avoiding confrontation, but
I was really avoiding intimacy,
aka makeup sex.
Those are Liz's wise words.
Okay, he's paraphrasing.
The point is, boys, your mother
and I just had a brutal fight.
And it was awesome.
I mean, it was rough sledding
at first.
Like, she would say something
that upset me, right?
But then, I would say something
back that upset her.
An argument, right.
You're describing an argument.
But then,
the craziest thing happened.
We actually started listening
to each other's point of view
and connecting.
- Dad, that's awesome.
- JESSE: I mean, it started out
as a fight about me
not listening
to her boring-ass
mah-jongg group stories,
but what I came to realize,
through the miracle
of conversation,
is that the stories
are unimportant.
What's important
is me showing that
I care enough about our marriage
to give her my full attention.
Remarkable.
Partly that
it took you 180 years
to come to
this kind of realization,
but also that
you've made this stride.
Yeah, proud of you, Dad.
Thank you, son.
Oh, hey, Phyllis.
You come in here for a second?
I got to make up for lost time.
- Yes?
- JESSE: Honey.
You know that vase of yours
that the cleaning lady broke
ten years ago?
Ugh, I loved that vase.
And Sandra denied it.
The nerve.
Well, it was me. I broke it.
- What?
- I was trying to learn to spin
a basketball on my finger.
PHYLLIS:
What?
Let's get into it.
[panting] Oh, man, I love you.
And I love makeup sex.
You're both great.
Good thing you already
broke that vase
'cause we definitely would've
knocked it off the nightstand.
- [laughs]
- Yeah, we would've.
By the way, I'm so glad you were
honest with me about that.
- I love that you and I
don't have any secrets.
- Oh.
It's amazing, right?
We can be totally open
with each other.
Yeah.
In fact
I want to be totally,
totally open.
- There's something
I haven't told you.
- Really?
Yeah.
You see, the thing is
I'm a vampire.
[laughing] Yeah, you are.
Oh, no, no, no.
I wasn't doing sexy talk.
- Is that a thing people say?
- Oh. I don't know.
I thought I was
learning it from you.
Oh, no, s-sorry,
what I meant was
I'm a vampire. We all are.
[screaming]
- Help! Help! Stay away from me.
- Honey, honey, honey, it's okay.
- No, it's okay.
- Stay away from me, all of you.
Vampires!
So, I told Phyllis that
we are vampires,
and she did not take it well.
PHYLLIS:
Help!
Vampires! Help!
This is gonna get annoying.
Mind if I just
- CHARLES: [sighs] Thank you.
- Much better.
Did not know she could do that.
She's the only one
with the power in the coven.
- Pretty cool, right?
- LIZ: But it only works
on humans.
And she can only do it
to one person at a time.
Okay, guys, jealous much?
Wait, I was pretty
recently human.
- Did you ever freeze me?
- Um
All right, tonight,
your education
- in jazz great
Art Pepper begins.
- [jazz music playing]
It's like
he's in the room, right?
Yeah, it's, uh,
really something.
Well, that's why
I run two tone arms,
so you can use a stereo cart
and a mono cart.
You see,
the thing about jazz is
Sorry, Max, I just need
a little break.
Only during peak jazz talk.
Yeah, I guess I can be
pretty obnoxious sometimes.
I could see why
you wouldn't want to share
a room with someone like that.
Max, it's not that. Listen,
- about before
- Bigger fish.
Jesse, how could you share
our secret with Phyllis?
You had no right to do that.
You need to mind-wipe
her right now, please.
Yeah, but I'm trying to be
more open and communicative.
You know, more mature.
Why, after two centuries,
are you suddenly trying
to be mature?
Well, because Liz said that
Max said that it wasn't nice,
all the wiping.
- I mean, they're not wrong.
- Yeah, Dad, it doesn't
seem very nice.
Jesse, in fairness, we were
talking about you wiping her
to avoid confrontation
over everyday matters,
like emptying the dishwasher
or putting the toilet seat down.
Yeah, the vampire thing
is sort of a whole other level.
And, love her to death, but
Phyllis is a bit of a gossip.
And if we got exposed,
things could go
very badly for us.
We do not want to get
back on the radar
of vampire hunters
or werewolves.
Especially with the chalice
being destroyed.
Oh, Max, do you know about
Larry, the stalker werewolf?
Yeah, I've heard some
pretty upsetting things.
I would not want
to be in your shoes.
Apparently,
that guy is hardcore.
Thanks.
Even short of something
catastrophic,
if we were found out,
we would have to move again.
Uproot our lives.
CHARLES:
Jesse, the clock is ticking.
You need to mind-wipe her
right now
before the memory
becomes permanent.
Do I have to?
Jesse
[sighs] Fine.
You're doing
the right thing, Jesse.
[sighs]
Help! Wait,
weren't you all standing
in different places?
Phyllis, you don't remember
anything I said
about us being vampires.
Oh, hey, everybody.
Anyone want to go
to Michael's Crafts?
- [sighs]
- Hello, Phyllis.
Wait, why is my throat sore?
Ugh, I hope I'm not coming down
with the plague again.
[clears throat]
[jazz music playing]
Is that bebop?
Are you bebopping right now?
I feel like you're just
guessing, so it's annoying, but
- yeah.
- [music stops]
Listen, Max,
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry.
I just don't get it.
Instead of being honest with me,
you concocted some sort of
elaborate ruse.
- It wasn't that elaborate.
- Don't defend the ruse.
The victim of the ruse
gets to choose
the adjectives
to describe the ruse.
You're right.
The thing is, I do want
to live with you.
Eventually.
But everything has
happened so fast,
and I'm scared that,
if we rush this, we're going
to ruin something great.
Yeah, Emma, I'm scared, too.
I'm scared of moving too fast
or getting hurt.
I'm scared of your
jealous werewolf stalker,
who apparently
loves dismembering
all of your boyfriends.
It was just four of them.
One survived.
Though, it was almost
worse for him.
Yeah, not helping.
The point is, I get it.
If you're not ready,
you're not ready.
And I respect that.
You can have
all the time you need.
Thank you, Max.
[sighs] Okay.
- I think I'm ready now.
- What?
Well, something about you
so thoughtfully
respecting my boundaries.
It's kind of hot.
Okay, but I meant what I said.
You can take some time.
I really want you to be sure.
Max, don't sell past yes.
Oh, copy that.
All right, so we're doing this?
Think we're doing this.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Awesome. Uh, well,
I can grab
some stuff to move in.
I can get my clothes,
uh, the turntable
- Mm mm-mm.
- No, the turntable
stays down here.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yes. Yeah.
Great acoustics down here.
Dad, can we talk to you?
Yeah, what's going on, boys?
We were discussing, uh,
what happened earlier,
and we get looking out
for the coven
MORT:
But there are two families
in this house.
One that doesn't keep secrets
from each other.
And one that's us.
What are you guys saying?
We spend our whole lives
having to keep a secret
from the world.
We don't want to have to do that
in our own home.
MORT:
We want to tell our mom
about our lives.
Our wins. Our troubles.
Our half-vampire related
stand-up chunk.
The point is, we want Mom
to know who we really are.
It's time.
[sighs] Guys.
Come here.
Listen.
I know that this is really hard,
but we have to respect
what the coven says.
It's not just up to us.
But isn't it?
[Jesse clears throat]
Where are we going?
I don't think this is the way
to Michael's Crafts.
Although, if we keeping driving,
we'll run into another one.
That's the great thing
about Michael's.
- That and their
incredible coupons.
- Incredible coupons.
[laughs]
[exhales sharply]
Well, here we are.
What's going on?
- We're in the middle of nowhere.
- Phyllis
Babe.
There's something
I have to tell you.
[Phyllis screaming]
It's okay, babe!
Just run it out!
[Phyllis continues screaming]
Actually, I'm just gonna
keep an eye on you,
make sure the coyotes stay away.
I'm right here
when you're ready to talk!
[Phyllis continues screaming]
JESSE:
I love that we're communicating!
So what do you think so far?
This isn't too bad, right?
Does he have to be
staring at us like that?
Who? Thelonious?
He's watching over us.
Sure. Yeah,
I-I can take it down.
See? We're communicating.
That's how you
work through issues,
before they even become issues.
Heck yeah. Take that, Dad.
[both chuckle]
I was saying like,
"In your face," metaphorically,
to my dad.
I wasn't calling you "Dad."
- No, I-I got it. Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm excited about this, Max.
Thanks for being patient
with me,
and for talking me through it.
- I'm excited, too.
- And you're right,
there's nothing to be
afraid of. We can do this.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night, babe.
[panting]
Yeah, this is good.
[weak chuckle]
[clears throat]
CBS
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