Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
- Halloween on
my block was dope.
It was the only time
you could wear a mask
without white people thinking
you were gonna rob 'em.
And people went all out.
The dude in the Reagan mask
won the scariest-costume
contest three years in a row.
- No!
- Even businesses
went hard for Halloween.
- $1, $1 will get you
one small pumpkin.
$5, $5, that'll get
you 5 pumpkins.
Now, that's math.
- But every Halloween, I got
stuck doing Halloween chores.
By the way, those
are real cobwebs
we took off my dad's wallet.
- Hey, Mr. Omar.
Is that what you look
like without makeup?
- I don't wear makeup.
Maybe a little corpse blush.
But don't tell Widow Jarvis
I mean, Jackson.
[] Baby, why don't
you go upstairs and dry your
pretty eyes on my silk sheets?
- Well, Happy
Halloween, I guess.
- Wait!
I made you guys some of my
world-famous pumpkin soup.
- What is that?
- $13.63 worth of soup?
Get in here!
- I just love Halloween
the costumes,
the sweets, the
worshipping of dead bodies.
How are you celebrating?
- We're not.
My boss is throwing
a Halloween party
and expects
everyone to be there.
- And what are you kids
doing on this All Hallows' Eve?
- Being forced into eating
candy to look for glass,
razors, or needles.
I'm basically a crash test
dummy for my lovely siblings.
- I'm just chilling
this year, too.
So many girls want
to hang out with me.
I don't know who to pick.
- Player to player,
I understand.
Who's gonna take Miss
Tonya trick-or-treating?
- I'm almost a grown woman.
What I look like begging
people for candy?
- Too old for trick-or-treating?
Y'all lost your
Halloween spirit.
Tragic. Tragic.
Hey, wait a sec.
You guys are going out, and
Drew and Tonya are staying in?
Does this mean I get
to do my own thing?
- Well, as long as you don't
bring home no ghost babies,
no zombie babies, no baby
babies, no Franken-babies.
- This is gonna be the
best night of my life.
Starting now.
- Aw, man!
This is not fair.
Why do you get to be Batman,
and I have to be the Boy Wonder?
- It's called reparations, baby!
I can't believe I get to
do my own thing this year.
Should I go to the
Deadly DJ Jam?
- Eh.
- What about Nessa's
scary hair show?
There's gonna be
more women than men.
- Come with me
to my uncle's party.
Last year, a couple
of his coworkers
wore super-hot costumes.
Who knew ET had so
much junk in the trunk?
They better not be
out of size-zero Sheila
E. costumes up in here,
or somebody gon' get hurt.
- Oh, Tasha's coming this way.
Get out of here.
- Oh!
- Hey, Chris.
- Oh.
Hey, Tasha.
- Cool Batman outfit.
I was hoping to run into you.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'd love it if you'd be
my special guest tonight.
- Hallow-clean, an
all-night church lock-in.
- It'll be fun.
Pray on it.
- Chris, you're so in there.
No, I'm not.
She just invited me to church.
- She asked you to
spend the night with her.
- Yeah, at church.
- She just wants a church man.
So go to church with her
man!
- All the other events
I was considering
would have girls at them.
But if I went to church,
it wouldn't be
with just any girl.
It would be with "the" girl.
- Hi.
Is that the last
Sheila E. size zero?
- Mm.
- Tasha, block that
woman for Mommy!
Hello, ma'am.
May I speak to Vanessa, please?
- Girl, you bored at work again?
You're using your
white-lady voice.
- Nessa, help me.
These people are phony freaks.
Hey, how's your day going?
- Does it feel a tad warm?
I'm worried Todd's
birthday cake will melt.
- You go change that
thermostat, Martha.
- Oh, great idea. I'm on it.
God.
- They've been shoving
cake in your face
for every occasion, huh?
Birthdays, anniversaries,
power outages.
- White people love cake, child.
It's their collard greens.
- Ah, damn it!
I missed Risky's Trunkin' Patch.
- Girl, he had a pumpkin that
looked exactly like Lou Rawls,
forehead and all.
We took Polaroids with it.
- I take my kids to
Risky's every year.
It's tradition.
Ain't nobody getting
in the way of me
spending time with my family.
I don't need this!
My man has two jobs!
- Ooh, yes!
Whoo-hoo! Tim
finally laid me off!
I'm free!
Suck it, Corporate America.
- Poor Chuck.
- You mean rich Chuck.
The company gives out big, fat
severance packages for anyone
lucky enough to be laid off.
- Big, fat what now?
- What? They pay
you not to work?
- If anyone at my job gets laid
off for a non-fireable offense,
they get a lump sum
of money plus benefits.
- But how?
- You can't do nothing crazy.
You just have to be so annoying,
they ask you to leave.
It worked for Chuck.
That man ate tuna for
lunch every day for months.
His tuna funk lives in infamy.
- Are you sure
severance isn't just
an urban legend,
like Bigfoot or Black
people living in Switzerland?
- Baby, it's real.
I've seen it with
my own two eyes.
So will you make me the
happiest woman in the world
and spend the rest of our
Halloween annoying the hell
out of my boss?
- Yes. Yes.
A million times, yes.
- In the '80s,
behind-the-scenes footage
took all the fear
out of scary movies.
- You know, eating soup
just fuels the creative process.
- Of course, Drew and Tonya
lost their Halloween spirit.
- Trick or
- Trick or treat, yeah, yeah.
We get it. Here you go.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Little vultures!
I want that one.
At this rate, we'll have
no candy left for us.
- Wait.
Let's turn off all the lights
and pretend we're not here.
- Why would we do that?
- So no one knocks on our
door and takes our candy.
What are they teaching
you in that white school?
- Oh
We're not here!
- I was about to spend
the night with Tasha,
and I had the perfect costume.
Damn, Bible fashion
for boys is very limited.
It was either Moses
or the Burning Bush.
- Ooh-whee!
I'm flaming for the Lord, y'all!
- Nice costume, Chris. I
love your broom-handle staff.
- Sons and daughters, may I
have your attention, please?
My only begotten son Pharaoh
and I would like to welcome you
to our annual Hallow-clean,
the event that puts
God where He belongs
On a shiny pedestal
And puts the devil
where he belongs.
And where is that?
In hell!
- That's right.
Now, I got to go out here and
throw blessed oil on any kid
dressed like a vampire,
so my head of youth
ministry will take it from here.
Sister Johnson, if you would.
So happy to have
you. God bless ya.
- Hmm, thank you, Pastor Percy.
Follow me, little ones.
- Moses coming through.
Let's part this sea of butts.
- Hey!
- For some reason,
they put an old lady
with cataracts in charge.
That was like the
blind leading the fine.
- Now, let's listen
to some Jesus jams
on my favorite AM gospel radio
as I lock us in.
- Guess we're gonna be
trapped in here together.
I'm so happy you were
able to make it tonight.
- Young ladies,
get on the other side
of that big partition
out of the sight
of these impressionable
young mens.
- Wait, what's happening?
I knew we had to leave
room for the Holy Ghost
but not leave the actual room!
- So do you think we
look inappropriate enough
for me to get laid off?
- They're gonna do
more than lay me off.
What fair middle-aged
wench made this cake?
I must bed her immediately.
- Come on, Conan.
Let's get me some severance.
- Thank you all
for coming tonight.
Martha made a
beautiful graveyard cake.
So please eat,
drink, and be scary.
- Yeah, I can tell
it's a graveyard cake.
Looks dead on arrival.
♪
- Whoops!
- My cake!
- Sorry.
- That's mine!
- My fault.
- Aw, man.
♪
- Oof! Ah!
Hot, hot, hot.
- Uh-oh! She spat
all over the cake!
- Oh, dear. Let
me clean that up.
Whoa!
♪
- I got lost in Sodom
and Gomorrah again?
What will I ever do here?
Many sons had Father Abraham ♪
I am one of them ♪
And so are you ♪
So let's just
praise the Lord ♪
Right arm!
- Singing songs was
ironically my idea of hell.
Then I noticed Sister Johnson
fell asleep or maybe died.
Either way, I was free.
- Where do you think
you're going, sinner?
- Are you serious?
The old lady's asleep.
We're unsupervised.
This is what we
all been waiting for.
- We got to save his soul.
- No! Never!
- This is boring.
Let's watch something else.
- You will
- Definitely die
- Tonight.
- That wasn't a coincidence.
- H-h-hello?
- Hello?
- Who was that?
- Probably just a
girl wanting to hear
the sound of my pretty voice.
- Girl, stop calling here.
Drew's not gonna pick you.
- Uh, I think one of your
admirers got emphysema.
The next time the phone
rings, I ain't getting it.
- It's probably one
of those girls climbing
the roof to peeping Tom on me.
Must have kicked the antenna.
- That's OK.
I like watching static.
Lord, bind that horny demon!
I rebuke the spirit of lust!
- Get off me!
- And, Lord, please teach Chris
how to enjoy being
with the opposite sex
without trying to get him some.
Enough!
Even the shepherd needs
a break from his sheep.
Can I get an amen?
- No.
Come on.
Don't you want to go
to the promised land?
I said, can I get an amen?
We're gonna be adults soon,
working a double
shift on Halloween.
So tonight damn the rules.
Damn the regulations.
Let's do what kids are
supposed to do, my brothers.
Can I get an amen?
Amen!
- Come on, Pharaoh,
you know you want to.
- Amen!
- And God said,
let my people go!
Part-ay!
Welcome to the land
of milk and honeys.
♪
- That's not the first time
Moses tricked Pharaoh.
- Ah, Julius.
This is taking too long.
I'm running out of ways
to annoy white people.
- Why is that? You're an
expert at annoying Black people.
Oh, I was just playing.
Tim! Tim!
Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
- Jackpot.
- Tim!
Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!
Hey, sweet cheeks.
Great party.
- "Sweet cheeks"?
Yes!
My Booty Blaster
3000 is paying off!
- What the hell?
- Well, it was
the '80s, after all.
Today if a doctor slaps a
newborn baby on the butt,
the baby hires a lawyer.
♪
- Tasha, what's wrong?
- It feels weird to
dance in church.
Do you think things
are getting a little crazy?
- No. Everyone's just
having a good time.
- Who wants to do
something crazy?
Let's drink soda!
- Soda? Sugar's not allowed.
What's happening?
- What's happening is people
are having fun at church.
- Ahh.
I love this church!
- You have nothing
to worry about, Tash.
It's gonna make more
kids want to come here.
I sure have the spirit in me.
Whoa, slow down.
- I was I was just
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm so glad we stayed in.
It's been a calm,
perfectly normal night.
- Yep. Unexplainable
things happen every day.
We're just programmed to think
when they happen on Halloween,
it must be something
supernatural.
Scary!
The problem is,
Daddy always be buying
these wack electronics.
- Yeah. Instead of a Panasonic,
he got us a Pain-o-sonic.
- They're always trimming
trees on Halloween at 10:00 p.m.
- The night was going well,
so I decided to
take a leap of faith
and do something nerds
like me only dreamed about.
- Hey, everybody, want to
play seven minutes in heaven?
- Is that the game where
you're forced to be in the closet?
I pass.
- Come on.
It's called seven
minutes in heaven.
It was probably
invented in a church.
OK, everybody.
Write your name
on a piece of paper.
And when you're
done, give it to me.
Stained-glass window Jesus,
please let me end up
in the closet with Tasha.
Amen.
- No need to pick a name, Chris.
I choose you.
- Whoa.
No wonder people love You.
- Go get thy some, Chris.
Ooh! Yeah.
- Mm!
- Ugh!
- It still smells like Chuck's
funky tuna around here.
I'll never be as bad as him.
Come on, baby, let's go home.
I just really wanted
to lose this job, Julius.
I guess I'm not annoying enough.
- Baby, don't say that.
- I'm letting us all down!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come here.
I've had so much
fun with you tonight.
I appreciate all you do
to make our family better.
- Ow!
Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, baby.
Oh, baby. Oh.
- Oh, God, you're so sexy.
- Those floppies had our
biggest account on them.
- Rochelle, my office, now.
♪
- This was it, the moment
that was gonna turn this
into the best
Halloween of my life.
Oh, man.
I just love the Bible.
What's that verse about
being fruitful and multiplying?
As if, Chris!
- Ow! Why?
- Sir, there is no
excuse for my behavior.
- The risqué costume,
racing office chairs,
ruining cake, making
out all over the office.
- Ah-bup-bup, shh.
I understand. You
have to lay me off.
I'll go box up my things.
Oh, no.
You're not laid off.
On the contrary, you're
the type of employee
we need around here!
- Are you drunk on
dreamsicle punch?
- Corporate life can be
stagnant and predictable,
but you found a way
to shake things up.
Thank you.
- What about those
important floppies
I destroyed while I was making
out with Conan out there?
- Nothing is more
important than witnessing
Black love on display.
Hell, "Mahogany"
is my favorite movie.
- Well, how'd it go?
How much severance
did you get us?
Can we send our
favorite kid to college?
- He promoted me.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
He hates spending money
on severance packages.
That's why it's
nearly impossible
to get laid off around here.
It took Chuck five
long, annoying,
tuna-filled years
to get him to cave.
Just give up.
- Oh, he's playing with me.
He has no idea who
he's messing with.
- Is this a game to you?
Has this been
your plan all along?
- You brought me in here.
- I brought you in here
to talk about how this
party is getting crazy.
You're getting crazy!
- I thought this is
what you wanted.
You wanted a church guy.
We're at church. I'm a guy.
I made this fun. What
else do you need me to do?
Lead people through
the desert for 30 years?
- It's 40 years, Chris, 40.
- I'm just trying to
make an effort
for you.
Maybe I pushed the
church thing a little too hard.
My mom's an ex-stripper.
I don't even know who my dad is.
And I get bullied at
school for not liking Prince.
This church is what
I need right now.
I don't want
anything to jeopardize
my relationship with God.
I just need you to be my friend.
- I'd be happy
to be your friend.
- Thanks. I'll see
you back out there.
You better not be telling anyone
you were touching
my booty in here.
♪
- Thanks a lot.
- I'm sorry, Chris.
Are you feeling sad? A
little uncomfortable, even?
The kind of uncomfortable
when you're nailed
to a wooden cross?
- Chris, by the
way, as your friend,
I advise you to go talk to her.
- The chick in the
Bathsheba costume?
Why?
- Trust me. I put
in a good word.
♪
- It was actually cool
having a female friend.
They're like male friends,
only you can occasionally
stare at their asses.
What's happening?
- Maybe Dad forgot
to pay the gravity bill.
- This should be
happening to Chris.
We got to get to a grown-up.
Mr. Omar!
both: Mr. Omar!
Mr. Omar, let us in!
- Mr. Omar?
♪
- Boo!
- Aah!
Don't you dare
touch his pretty face!
Die, ghoul!
- Ow!
- Mr. Omar?
- You saved my life and my face.
- What is wrong with you?
This is the same costume
I was wearing earlier.
Stabbing me with my own fork?
That's cold.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Omar.
But what the hell's
wrong with you?
- Aah!
I just wanted to get you
two to believe in the magic
of the season again.
- Well, good job scaring
two children half to death.
I'll admit, you had us
with the heavy-breathing
phone calls,
the TV cutting off,
the chain saw sounds.
- And don't forget the
windows opening and closing
and those scary moans.
How'd you do all that?
- What? What are
you talking about?
I just threw a few fake
spiders on your doorstep
and put on this costume.
I didn't do the other stuff.
- I truly believe that
my family's brownstone
was haunted by the dead husbands
of the widows Mr. Omar
hooked up with over the years.
If those guys ever
catch Mr. Omar
near the pearly gates,
he's getting his ass beat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just want you to know
you saved my night.
I thought it'd be boring,
but you made it fun.
- Ah, it was no big deal.
- Mm.
- Happy Halloween to me.
Kissing?
Unsanctioned snacks?
FM radio?
Oh, Lord!
These children have turned
Your house into a den of sin!
Pharaoh, did you allow this?
- Uh, as a responsible
youth leader
and a respected member
of this church community,
I just want you to
know, Chris did it!
- Hey, come on, guys.
We had fun, right?
- Stone him!
- Judas!
Jeez, Jesus.
You too?
- Yes, for playing East
Coast rap in my house.
Everyone knows I like NWA.
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
- MTV ♪