Golden Axe (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
NARRATOR:
Now reunited, Gilius Thunderhead
and Hampton Squib
continue their quest,
heading straight
for a huge storm?
My gods, that looks bad.
Oh, wait.
[blows]
It's just dust. I was gonna say,
who draws a storm on a map?
Where were we?
Ah, yes, our valiant duo
continue their quest
in perfect weather.
Must be nice.
It's snowing where I am.
Not like anyone cares.
Hampius Squunderhib
back on the road again.
No, wait.
[gasps]
Gimpton Thub.
What in gods' great gut
are you doing?
I'm combining our names
into a heroic portmanteau,
a "herortmanteau," if you will.
We don't have time
for your silly names.
We have important business
in Wenisburg.
Wenisburg?
[chuckles nervously]
No.
No, no, no.
We don't want to go there.
You want to be the leader?
You choose.
[creature roaring]
[grunts]
I say we check out the
serpent-infested sludge pools.
-[groans]
-And that is
your last time leading.
We're going to Wenisburg.
I don't want to, okay?
I grew up there,
and I was bullied
the entire time.
Oh, kids are cruel. So what?
The kids were bad,
but my parents were worse.
They'd call me names
like Clammy Hammy
or Chicken Neck Squib
or the Embarrason.
[laughs] Those are good.
My best one is Hampton Shit,
which I've been saving
for a special occasion.
[sighs]
You're really making me go?
Yes, I am. Hyah!
♪
GILIUS:
Hampton Shit. [laughs]
NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, Ax, Tyris and Chronos
seek to learn more
about the Emerald Blade,
so they've decided to pay a visit
to Yuria's Ancient Library.
Yet, upon arrival,
they're attacked by a giant
-Bookworm!
-NARRATOR: I was
just about to say that, Tyris.
You get it, giant worms
that grow in books. Blah, blah.
It's three-on-one. Split up!
Ha! Because three
is greater than one.
Stupid worm,
eating all those books
and learning nothing.
[roars]
[grunting]
Ooh, tastes better
than I expected.
[roars]
[grunting]
TYRIS:
That's it.
Time for a worm roast.
Fire magi
-Hey!
-[gasping]
Read the sign!
No fire magic.
[groans]
You burn down one library,
and suddenly you're a sign.
-[roars]
-Hey, that's my wife!
Did you just call me your wife?
Oh, yeah, big-time.
But we're not married.
[laughs] Good one, Tyris.
Oh, my gods.
GILIUS:
There's good news, Hampton.
Someone murdered
all your childhood bullies.
Death Adder's forces
destroyed it all.
That right there?
That was Lovers' Gazebo.
Now where am I supposed
to share my first kiss?
Well, some things
are best not shared.
[squawks]
Where's Chicken Leg going?
You ever had your ankles
grabbed by a skeleton?
You'd spook, too.
[growling]
Oh, good one, young Squib.
[shouts]
Back at you, old Gilius.
Old?
Er, sorry, you could be young.
Beards add a few years
but tons of sophistication.
-[skeleton screaming]
-Huh?
Hampton?
[laughs]
Hampton Squib.
Yeah?
It's Druda. Druda Hildegrade?
Oh. Hi.
[chuckles nervously]
So, uh, you're a skeleton now?
Yeah, I got my dream job
fighting for Death Adder.
I'm apprenticing to be
a catapult operator.
-SKELETON: No, please.
-You know this foul creature?
[grunts]
Yeah, she was one of my bullies.
She invented something
called the purple nurple.
I didn't have nurples,
but I guess
"pipple nipple"
didn't make sense.
[laughs]
He didn't think it was funny,
but his parents loved it.
Wow, how mean are your parents?
Oh, they're awful.
Anyways, always great
making fun of you, Hampton,
but I do have a job to do,
and that is to snap
your little chicken neck.
Come here.
[screams]
Hey, I thought you were
getting the hang of that blade?
It only seems to work
when I'm angry or upset.
One last purple nurple.
Oh, yeah, that'll do it.
[shouts]
Good to see you, Hampton!
Well, that seems like overkill.
[skeletons shouting]
-HAMPTON: Uh, Gilius?
-[skeleton laughs]
GILIUS:
Time to go.
[shouting]
[Hampton grunts]
I found them.
Ah, never mind. It's just Caleb.
We need somewhere to hide.
Head for that castle.
Uh, the thing about
that castle is
This is your parents' house?
We lived comfortably.
Can we please go somewhere else?
[sighs] I really
don't want to see my parents.
[gasps]
What if they're dead?
[gasps]
Gods, what if they're alive?
What if one's dead
and one's alive?
Oh, or the reverse?
Get ahold of yourself.
You're a hero now,
and the best part of being a hero
is throwing it in the faces
of those who doubted you.
And the saving people, right?
Yeah.
Mother always keeps the key
right here under her favorite
Oh. [laughs nervously]
Sorry my mom has these
garden dwarves hanging around.
I know they're not exactly
of the times.
What are you talking about?
That's a garden gnome.
Oh. Sure.
You can't think
I look like that thing.
I'm a dwarf.
We're completely different.
Hello? Anyone alive?
Anyone dead?
MAN:
Who goes there?
Is that my sweet baby Hampton?
Thank the gods,
our little hero has returned!
I thought you said
they were mean.
Oh, wait, is this hug sarcastic?
Oh, that is very dark.
We are married.
We had a beautiful wedding.
TYRIS:
What wedding?
Oh, no.
Do you mean the wedding we staged
to lure in Minnox the Objector?
The sorcerer who could
never hold his peace.
You do remember.
Ax, that was for a quest.
I know, which is why
I like to call it
"the quest day of my life."
Doing something for a quest
does not make it the truth.
We once dressed as palace guards.
That doesn't make us
real palace guards.
You're still working there,
aren't you?
I swore an oath.
Why is this only coming up now?
Because it's our anniversary.
I'm guessing
you also forgot a gift.
Ax, we've never even kissed.
Exactly. My ideal wife
is a platonic partner
to fight beside.
Did you not listen to my vows?
I'm going to find the book
on the Emerald Blade.
Chronos, you're coming with me.
Are you eating the worm?
It could be poisonous.
That's a good point.
I should look that up.
Fatal to cats!
Okay, we'll see
how this shakes out.
MIDGE: Well, if I'd known
we were having company,
I would've told the staff
to do a deeper clean.
Oh, really? Why's that?
Sorry, we were in the area,
and, I mean, I know you don't
approve of what I do now, but
Oh, nonsense. Your father and I
couldn't be prouder
of the man you've become.
Proud? Man?
[chuckles] Threw me, too.
No sign of Death Adder's minions.
We should get going.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I won't hear of it.
You're staying for breakfast.
We're thawing prawns.
-Prawns?
-Your old room
is just how you left it, Hampton.
Aw, man. We gotta stay.
GILIUS:
I don't know.
We really need to go.
The whole Death Adder thing,
[mutters] there's so much to do.
Gilius, if you're trying
to protect me,
that's very sweet, but I'm okay.
My parents are acting like
totally different people.
Yep, seems like it.
-Then we'll stay till morning.
-[groans]
I'm gonna go pick out my prawns.
[door closes]
So
how long have you two been dead?
Fine, you caught us. We're dead.
And you probably have
a lot of questions.
I do. Most are about what's
going on with that tapestry.
But I should probably focus
on how you died
and why you're still here.
The last thing we remember is
Death Adder's hordes attacking.
And then we woke up here
as ghosts.
We think we might have
unfinished business.
And what might that be?
Hampton.
We weren't the most
supportive parents,
but we were young, and,
I mean, come on, look at him.
It was as if he was born
to be teased.
That noodle neck.
Oh, for me, it's the face.
-That's what Midge thinks.
-[gasps] That's what I think.
We've been given a second chance
to give our only son
the love and confidence he needs
to fulfill his destiny.
Then, hopefully,
our souls will move on.
Please, please, don't tell
Hampton that we're dead.
[sighs] Okay,
I can give you until sunrise.
This may come as a surprise,
but old papa Thunderhead
was not a hugger.
You don't say. You know,
I think Hampton's coming back.
Don't get me wrong,
he was a provider.
Hampton!
-He was a good man.
-Hampton!
-And I don't hate him.
-Come down now!
He wasn't my biological fath
Get your ass down here!
Look what I found.
My Yurian chessboard.
Up for a game?
[groans] It's so boring
[grunts] I mean, I'd love to.
Really?
I was expecting a hard no.
[gasps] Double foursies!
You know what that means.
Probably that four and a half
hours into this game,
your parents are proud of you
and are gonna make sure
you know it?
It means I capture
one of Father's gods.
Now he only has eight left.
Mother has 17.
She's really good.
Not as many as
my big little battle hero.
Now tell him you love him.
I love you, Hampton.
Is it working?
Are you feeling light or floaty?
Gilius, you can't just
raid my parents' pantry.
They don't eat anymore.
I-I mean, uh, meat.
They don't eat meat anymore.
Hmm, change in diet,
change in attitude.
Gilius, you should try that.
What's happening?
Why haven't you moved on?
I don't know. We're saying all
the nice things we can think of.
I even told him I liked
his interesting haircut.
And to be clear, I don't.
Hey, I did it! I win.
No! No, no, no!
The sword smith cannot pass
through the dragon's barrier.
What are you thinking, you idiot?
Ahem.
I mean, very creative
game play, son.
And here's the best part.
I mean it.
Right, now, uh,
if you'll excuse me,
I'm going outside
for my nightly scream.
I'll talk to him.
Hampton, I-I have
to tell you something,
and you're not gonna like it.
[Linus screaming outside]
Gilius, I already know
my parents are ghosts.
You do?
You were having some
pretty obvious conversations.
And when my mom tried
to fix my hair in the moonlight,
her hand went through my face.
So cold.
Why didn't you say anything?
I was enjoying the good version
of them so much,
I didn't want to ruin it.
We should probably go, then.
It's too bad.
I thought it might be nice
for one of us
to get closure with our parents.
I haven't told anyone
this before,
but my father
Ooh, look at the moon.
It is late.
We should probably get going.
[gasps] Ooh.
That's a lot of worm.
[growls playfully]
A tad longer
and we'll find the
book [snorts] you're looking for.
Why did you say it like that?
You can be honest, dear.
[snorts]
I've been married 317 years.
I know you only asked
to see this old book
to get away from
that husband of yours.
-I am not married!
-Mm-hmm.
Huh. It says the worms
are allergic
to sunlight and lactose.
Couldn't be me.
Give up my glass of milk
on the beach? Gods, no.
Here we are. [snorts]
At last.
The Amethyst Claymore, no.
The Bismuth Bludgeon, no.
The Citrine Sphincter.
-How is that a weapon?
-I have a couple theories.
ETHEREAL VOICE:
The Emerald Blade. ♪
"When the Emerald Blade
and the Golden Axe meet,
only one will survive."
That's interesting.
I wonder what
this next page says.
I found the book
we're all looking for.
I've only read the cover,
but I know it can fix us.
Now, time to open it.
[straining] Come on.
Relationships take work.
No, it's stuck together!
That means
[shouts]
[roaring]
CHRONOS:
More worms?
You need to divorce this idiot.
It took a while,
but I slowly realized
he wasn't cut out to be a father.
He simply didn't have the tools.
What in the
I'm sorry, I just need
a little more time
with my parents.
They've never been so nice to me.
But they're ghosts
who barely mean it.
HAMPTON:
Who cares? It feels too good.
This is what I get for
taking in a spoiled rich boy
who can't spend two seconds
away from Mommy and Daddy.
-[skeleton screams]
-[squawks]
-Hampton's bully!
-Please.
Hampton's bully is his father.
And his mother. I'm Druda.
What happened to your head?
Ugh, I hit it so hard
when Hampton blasted me
with that magical weapon.
Thank gods I'm already dead.
-Not for long.
-Wait!
I want to help.
Hampton's in danger.
Mom? Dad?
Are the prawns ready?
Hampy needs his scampi. [gasps]
Sorry, son. We made a deal.
We're taking the Emerald Blade.
Wow.
And I was gonna forgive you
for secretly being ghosts.
I don't understand.
Why are you doing this?
When Death Adder's
forces attacked,
they had us backed into a corner.
[gasps] He touched my shoulder.
LINUS: I very calmly made
a proposal to Death Adder.
Oh, please don't kill us.
Please don't kill me.
You can kill my wife.
I don't care.
We'll give you Hampton.
We don't like Hampton. He sucks.
MIDGE:
He killed us.
It was awful.
But then he made us into ghosts.
Ah, it was wonderful!
If we uphold
our end of the bargain,
he'll bring us
back to life for good.
How could you make a deal
with Death Adder?
He's basically
my number one enemy.
Oh, Hampton,
we love you in theory.
We just love being alive more.
We're rich,
and being alive is really fun.
[shouts]
Why are you telling me all this?
-You work for Death Adder.
-I can't do it anymore.
I didn't want to say this
in front of Hampton
because he seems to be
thriving in all aspects of life,
but I hate my job. [sobbing]
Skeleton culture is so cutthroat.
They say we're a family,
but that's only to guilt you
into battling on holidays.
You don't even get
Gods' Remembrance Day?
We don't even get
Gods' Remembrance Day! [sobs]
Do you want to know
the worst part?
Not really.
I still haven't been allowed
to use the catapult.
They keep saying
that I need more experience,
but how am I supposed to get that
if they won't let me?
[sobbing]
How about you get some right now
by catapulting me
through that window?
Okay!
When you said you had
no catapult experience,
you meant in battle, right?
-You've practiced personally?
-Nope, this is my first time.
[groaning]
I think we'll have to
move this thing up.
What do you think?
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, let him.
He's probably off to pout
about feeling "betrayed"
or something.
I'm not pouting.
I'm going to get Gilius.
Forget your gnome friend.
He's not a gnome.
He's a battle dwarf.
And I recently learned
they're different,
so I can shame you
for not knowing.
[Gilius grunting]
Gilius!
[dazed] Gilly's in the big house
with the small boy.
[worms hissing]
Why would you bring that
worm-infested book down here?
[grunts] Because
I haven't given up on us.
And I haven't given up on
collecting your
unpaid library fines.
Hey, that worm
just saved me three copper.
Wait, the book said these things
are allergic to sunlight.
Sunlight. [gasps]
I remember seeing some outside.
Follow me.
The book.
Fine. It's just a bunch of
bejeweled butt holes anyway.
[roaring]
[hissing]
I don't think
we're gonna make it.
I do!
[gasps] I do.
♪♪
Mmm.
[exclaiming happily
in slow motion]
[scoffs]
[in slow motion]
Meow. Mmm.
You've made me
the happiest man in Yuria.
[grunts]
Still happy.
Oh, yay. I'm next.
[gags]
Using my own beard
against me, eh? Smart.
We need to leave now.
Wenisburg is a trap.
We can't.
My parents took the blade.
It's pointless.
Death Adder's emissary
will be here any moment.
You're out of time.
It's not supposed
to end like this.
I'm supposed to be special.
You don't believe any of that
"chosen one" poppycock, do you?
[both laughing]
If you're that bored,
we'll get you an apprenticeship
with Death Adder.
Probably unpaid,
but it never hurts
to get your foot in the door.
Hey, his foot
is already in my door.
I've seen him.
I've seen him fight
and prove himself.
He has grown from
a clueless, stumbling wimp
into a strong, steady wimp.
He doesn't need your approval.
All he needs is that blade.
[shouts]
Step out of the moonlight
and let's try that again
My gods. What is this place?
Give me that blade.
[shouts] Youch!
[grunts]
Shall we kill Gilius now, dear?
I'd love to.
[gasps] No.
I didn't take you
for a coward, Gilius.
Show yourself.
What? Are-are you kidding me?
I'm right here.
There he is! Aha!
We don't even have
the same cheekbones.
Careful! They're hand-painted,
and they stopped making them
for literally no reason.
-Stop this instant!
-Those were gifts!
[shouts]
Damn it!
Hampton, the blade!
Oh, wow. I got it?
I never win
these kinds of things.
That wasn't fair.
It was in the moonlight.
-You cheated.
-Enough.
We tried being sweet parents,
played your stupid chess game,
pretended to be proud,
and now we're finished!
Well, I don't need you
to pretend anymore.
I have someone
who's actually proud of me.
More like pleasantly surprised.
BOTH [distorted]:
Give us the blade, son.
I am not your son.
Technically, I am,
but you know what I mean!
[shouts]
[screaming]
[panting]
Cheer up. You'll always have
that tapestry
to remember them by.
What kind of monster
kills his own parents?
You can't off anyone
who's already dead.
Death Adder killed your parents,
which is sort of
a requirement for being a hero.
So, welcome to the club.
Now, hurry. That emissary
will be here any
-[bushes rustling]
-[gasps]
[shouts]
[grunts]
No, it's all right.
She's on our side.
I'm glad I caught you guys
before you left.
I was hoping I might
be able to join you.
And why would I want to quest
with my childhood bully?
[mocking tone] Oh, why would
I want to quest with
my childhood bully?
[laughter]
[normal voice]
You suck.
She's in. Oh, she is in.
Sorry, sorry. I don't want
to be a bully anymore.
Now that I left Death Adder,
I don't know
who I'm supposed to be.
But I know I'd rather be
with the good guys.
And, Hampton, you're a good guy.
Never mind. She's out.
[hissing, shouting]
Oh-ho! She's back in.
MAN:
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Chirp.
[production theme]