G'wed (2024) s01e06 Episode Script
He's One of our Own
1
What's happening, cornflake head?
'Ey, we need to be mates again,
you know.
I've had to turn to drugs
to cope without ya.
Not funny.
I can't believe
you got me up early for this.
Oh, just a little bit dirty.
Oh, just
Just a little bit more there.
Argh!
I can't.
One more, come on push.
Look, look at him. He's a baby boy.
Congratulations.
A son. A son!
HE LAUGHS
Fancy some FIFA after school later?
I just need to hide a few things
first so you can't steal them.
I'm joking.
Can you bring one of
your controllers, too, though?
I've lost one of mine.
THEY LAUGH
HE SPEAKS ARABIC
Didn't you pay for his lunches
last week?
Oh, he's still having problems
getting the right ID
for a bank account.
I don't wanna scare you, girl,
but you read about things like this
all the time.
Foreign men scamming women
for money.
What are you on about, girl?
Like me nan, who met that Adama
fella from Gambia on Facebook.
He moved here, they got married,
and then he divorced her so he could
take half of her life savings.
I mean, no offence to ya nan, girl,
but she was like 74, and he was 25.
It was pretty obvious
he wasn't with her
for her saggy tits and pancake arse.
May she rest in peace.
Are you sure you can trust him?
He lied to you
about speaking English.
Oh, my God, girl, are you jealous?
No, you were the one saying
it's weird
you haven't been to his house yet.
Yeah, well, yesterday,
he had me waiting on the corner,
and I could definitely just about
work out which house was his.
So there.
wait on the corner?
Well, you're one to talk,
chasin' after that posh bellend.
I mean, it's getting
a bit embarrasin', to be honest.
He's not interested
in girls like you,
but he doesn't wanna tell you
because he doesn't wanna look
like a snob.
Oh, don't worry girl. I'm going.
You see, I've actually got
a meetin' with Netflix.
Yeah, they wanna do a documentary
on Ziad, The Libyan Swindler,
about how he manipulated a stupid,
naive girl from Liverpool
for a fiver.
Oh, Nice 'n' Spicy
just edge it for me.
Aww, lad, if you're a Rib 'n' Saucy
type of guy, it's OK.
They're both
two absolute heavyweights.
My mum's just emailed me.
Oh, no. Have you lost the plot
cos I haven't been around
to keep you sane?
Before she died, she must have
scheduled emails for me.
What does it say?
"Hiya, son. Cancer must have got me
by now. Or did it?
"Maybe I faked my death
"and now live off-the-grid
in Alaska with an impressive beard."
She had a weird sense of humour.
"I know your dad's birthday
was always a tough day for us.
"So I wanna remind you
of the poem we wrote for him.
"The image is fading
of what it was like
"when you would hold me
incredibly tight.
"But I'll give never forget
the feeling you gave
"..the feeling that
everything was all right."
"I'll keep going
like you're by my side.
"So, when I see you again,
and you ask me how it went,
"I'll tell you it was fun,
and I achieved everything I dreamt.
"Love you, my son.
Hope those words are coming true."
Thanks for taking over.
But did you have to do it
with a mouth full of Nik Naks?
THEY LAUGH
Do you know where your dad lives?
Do you wanna meet him?
No, I'm not arsed.
I did as a kid, though.
You can still make some memories
with your dad.
I'd do anything to make some more
with mine
even for one day, one hour,
one minute.
I wonder what your da's favourite
Nik Naks were.
I have a fading memory
of him eating Rib 'n' Saucy.
THEY LAUGH
Come 'ead, lad.
Where the fuck's all this coming
from, Reece?
Do you think I've done a bad job?
It's just
I was speaking to Christopher,
and he wrote this poem to his dad,
before he died,
and just gets ya thinking,
doesn't it?
So what? We can write a poem
to your dad if you want.
Er 'I know this poem's come
out of the blue,
'but we've never needed ya,
so fuck you.'
See? Easy.
Ever since you were born, all
I've done is try and make you happy.
And now I feel like you're tellin'
me I haven't done enough.
No, Mum, that's not true at all.
You have been enough.
I am happy. I am.
Sorry, Mum.
I didn't mean to upset ya.
Are you sure you're ready for this,
Reece?
Yeah, Mum.
Suppose I've always just pushed it
away.
But it's always been
in the back of me head.
OK.
Well, I'm not ready.
But if you are,
then I suppose I need to be.
Your dad's name's Darren.
Disneyland Darren.
I know. Look, his mate said it was
cos he was always goin' on about
this trip he took to Disneyland.
Even when we were having sex,
he kept going on about
how it reminded him
of going down Splash Mountain.
I know. I know.
It was a one night stand, son.
After I found out I was pregnant,
I tried to find him.
I swear, I did,
but he's not from round here.
He's from Manchester.
I'm sorry! I know!
I know!
Oh, I tried me best to find him.
No, son.
Once I realised
I couldn't find him,
I knew I had to just focus on you.
And the day you were born
I promised ya
that I'd be
twice the mum that you deserved,
to make up for the fact
that ye never had your dad.
And ye have been, Mum.
Come here. Come on.
I love you, too.
Ooh, I love you so much.
Me little gobshite.
Hiya, what are you up to?
Oh, I'm working
on a history project with Ruby.
Hey, did you hear about me dad's
acca comin' in at the weekend?
He won 2,000 quid.
It's crazy, eh?
Why'd you pick Ruby to be
your partner?
She sits by me in the class.
You wha'?
You haven't given him
your bank details, have ye?
Oh, I'm sure
she'll use the winnings to buy you
lunches and the PS5 you want.
Oh, and your dad defo could have won
more. He cashed out, the pussy.
He choked.
PSG were obvs gonna score.
Come on, Mia.
Nice one for findin' him, lad,
the Disneyland discussion forums.
You're a genius. This is it?
Well, let's not judge him
on where he lives.
He could still be
a really respectable guy.
Which one of you is Reece?
HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY
You're home.
Hey, do you know what's strange,
son?
I've been havin' a lot of thoughts
about your mum recently.
So, it's like a higher power's
trying to tell me summat.
A lot of those thoughts
was reaching into the wank bank.
But still
I know it don't look like much, son.
But I've not been able to work
because of me disability.
I have a severely stubbed toe,
and the pain radiates
through me legs.
But don't worry because I've got
big, big money coming my way.
Oh, yeah.
I'm always applying
to Pointless, Millionaire.
It's only a matter of time
before I win big.
I made it onto The Chase once, son.
Well, I took the lower offer,
and I still got knocked out,
but I was very unlucky
with the questions.
Currently doing another application
for Pointless now, as we speak.
Oh, my God!
We should do one together
as a father-and-son team!
I'm all right, to be honest.
Fuckin' hell,
me own son fuckin' hates me.
Hey, he doesn't hate you.
He just needs a bit of time
to get to know you.
Oh, yeah time.
And time's what we have got, son.
Nothing but time.
And I'm gonna spend every single day
making up for the time
that we've lost.
Every single day.
Just you and me together.
I'm gonna get off.
It-It was nice to meet you.
Oh, really? Hey,
do you wanna go go-karting tomorrow?
I can take you swimming.
Wait, that's it? You're going?
See the state of him?
16 years for him?
I'd rather not know where
I came from, if I came from that.
I need the toilet before we go.
Oh, hurry up, before he asks me
to play catch or something.
Hey, son,
do you know how to ride a bike?
Because I could teach you.
I'll wait outside, lad.
THEY LAUGH
Hey.
Do you wanna come to me mum's
birthday meal tomorrow night?
She really wants to meet you,
and we've got
an extra seat at the table
Er s-sure.
Last night, I was looking online,
and I found a local support group
for family members of MS sufferers.
There's one tomorrow night,
actually.
What an incredibly thoughtful
gesture, Christopher.
It's great that me mental well-being
is clearly your top priority.
Great, so you meet my parents,
and then after,
I'll go your house and meet yours.
Erm, sure.
Friday night at Ziad's house.
No waiting on the corner.
I know it sounds daunting,
but I could come with you,
if that's OK?
Thanks, Christopher. I'd love to go
there tomorrow together.
So, actually, er, Mia-Louise,
I finally opened the bank account.
So I have the money
that I owe you for the lunches.
Ziad, you don't have to give me
the money back,
but what a wonderful sign of trust
that you have done.
MUSIC: 'Wet Dream'
by Wet Leg
# Beam me up
Beam me up
# Count me in
Count me in
# Three, two, one
Three, two, one
# Let's begin. #
# It's not time to make a change
# Just relax and take it easy
# You are young
It's not your fault #
What the fuck's that?
Nonce alert.
# You need to know. #
God, is that Reece's da?
No No No.
Check his hard drive.
No, it's a song about a father
offering up his life experience
for his son.
Which is what I'm gonna do for you.
CLASS LAUGHS AND JEERS
I've got a surprise for you.
The fringe on it.
I've got one for you an' all.
JEERING LAUGHTER
For when I win it big
on me quiz shows.
Sir, have you met Reece's da?
Step away from the kids
now.
Don't worry about it.
So, wha'? It changes nothing.
Hm Nothing.
Chin up, lad.
THEY LAUGH
Nah, I can't do it.
That's your dad in there.
Your life is ruined.
I'm questioning your whole identity.
Reece,
Disneyland Darren's not your dad.
If only, lad.
No, when we were there,
I went to bathroom
so I could get a hair sample.
I ordered a DNA test,
and I just got the results.
He's not your dad.
You did that for me, lad? Nice one.
But, erm
..how did you get
me hair sample, though?
My bin still had your pubes in it
from when you thought it was funny
to keep leaving them on my pillow.
THEY LAUGH
I can't believe it, son.
I was convinced
he was your dad cos
Cos what, mum?
Cos
when I slept with someone else
the next weekend,
we used protection.
Don't look at me like that!
Me nan had just died.
I was bladdered for three months,
out looking for distractions.
Which is why I admire you so much,
just processing all the emotions.
So, who is he, then?
And please don't say
Universal Studios Steve.
I didn't get his real name.
He went by Mr 997.
I met him in the Farmer's Arms.
Afterwards, I moved away.
I didn't get his phone number,
and I never saw him again.
I'm sorry, son.
Fucking hell Fucking hell.
Even DNA fucking hates me.
I'm absolutely devastated, son.
Brought this with me
so we could build it today.
Never gonna get the chance now,
am I?
You know, I bet
your dad's that bean head fella,
the lucky bastard.
Mr 997? Well
..the next weekend,
I went back to your mum's house
with some flowers cos
..I was smitten, lads.
Anyway, I rang the doorbell,
and there was no answer.
So then I look through the window,
and that's when I see
this hook-nosed fella
with a massive bean head,
shaggin' your mum on the couch.
It was gutting!
You know, I saw him years later.
I was in Liverpool,
and I saw his face on a poster.
He was giving a talk
on one of his books.
I tell you what, lads,
you never forget a cum face.
Do you remember
the name of the book?
Nah, I was smashed off my tits.
But I think it was something weird
about looking
through doors or windows
because I remember thinking
"Has he written a book
all these years later
"about me seeing his cum face?"
# When I think about
What you've become
# I feel sorry for your mum
# You say we're all having fun
# Do you know you're the only one?
# And when the lights go down
# On this fucking town
# I know it's time to go
# And when the radio plays
And the static stays
# Yeah, I know it's time to go. #
'He was giving a talk
on one of his books.
'I think it was something weird
'about looking through doors
or a window.
'Has he written a book
all these years later,
'about me seeing his cum face?'
'Do you remember
the name of the book?'
'No, I was smashed off my tits.
'Hook-nosed fella
with a massive bean head,
'shaggin' your mum on the couch
bean head bean head.
'You never forget a cum face.'
'The lucky bastard.'
Mr 997!
Oh, my God. Look at this place.
I just wanna say
thanks for all your help.
And you know
you said about going down to Surrey
to see your dad's grave?
I'll come with ya.
We'll make a day out of it,
pull some posh birds.
Yeah, let's do it.
PHONE DINGS
Whoa, look at the size
of this place!
You're me dad.
Look at his awards.
That was
my first-ever published book.
It's a research study into NDEs.
Near death experiences?
Common, aren't they?
Like, 20% of people
who come close to death have them.
That's exactly right, and people
don't realise how common they are.
And please,
help yourself to Caramel Hobnobs,
my favourite biscuit to dunk.
The The caramel
acts as a strengthener
so it doesn't break, ensuring a
..sufficiently saturated
biscuit.
Oh, my God, it's extraordinary.
It's extraordinary.
So how's your mother?
Is she still debating?
What do you mean, debating?
She was captain of the opposing
debate team. That's how we met.
Camilla's arguments to why
water-heavy agricultural systems
should be illegal
really blew me away.
Camilla?
No!
We're talking about Jodie.
Don't you remember?
You were shagging Jodie from behind.
And I was in the window
when I saw you cum.
What is it about us and windows,
eh? We're at it again.
So you're not Camilla's boy?
Hey, did you and Jodie ever do
that position
where she put her legs like that?
All right.
You're sick. Get out!
So you didn't sleep with Jodie
17 years ago?
You met her
at the Farmer's Arms pub?
No, I don't know any Jodie.
Get out before I call the police.
Come on. Get out. Move!
Your angry face looks
like your cum face, to be honest.
The three of ya,
get off my property!
Get out!
I've been following you, son.
It's my duty to look out for you.
Guardian protector father.
HE EXHALES SHAKILY
Sorry,
it's still really tough to hear.
And that's obviously not the fella,
is it?
Do you know, for a second,
I thought I'd found the reason
why I've always felt
like the black sheep of me family.
I finally felt a sense of
..belonging.
But it wasn't real.
Just don't embarrass me, OK?
When do I ever embarrass you,
love, eh?
# I'm singing in the rain #
Hello!
# Just singing in the rain. #
HE CHUCKLES
I'm only joking with you.
Look, it'll be really nice
to meet him.
Hey!
# Why did I fall
Fall into your arms
# Will we ever be
Like the way we used to be
# Or have we lost ourselves
# Thought I knew you better #
You lying, cheating prick!
Mia-Louise! Mia-Louise!
Please, habibti, wait, wait.
Mia-Louise!
Wait, habibti,
please, please, please.
I'm not cheating on you, OK?
She's from another Libyan family,
and my mum and uncle
wanted me to meet her.
But why? You're going out with me.
They're scared I'm gonna lose
my culture and forget my heritage.
That's why you didn't want
me coming round to your house,
they don't want you to be with me?
I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
Just Just talk to them.
Just tell them how you feel
about me.
I've tried. I have tried.
Do you like this girl?
How could I like her,
when I'm in love with you?
But they're my family.
And they sacrificed so much
for me to be here.
I'm I'm sorry.
I I can't.
Are you sure this is the place?
I know it was 17 years ago,
but maybe someone at The Farmer's
Arms will recognise her.
What are yous doing here?
Christopher text us, telling us
to come to The Farmer's Arms,
to ask around about Mr 997.
But as soon as we got here,
some bloke accused me
of being Trevor
that broke up his marriage.
Dead weird.
This other fella,
he's made me buy meat.
Oh, lad, that stinks.
They're not approaching normal
people here.
He was in the cubicle next to me
and slid it under the door.
Look, you either find him
or you don't.
But we'll always have each other,
OK?
Now, I know you didn't like it when
Disneyland Darren serenaded you,
so I'm not gonna do that. I just
I want you to know
you're so special, Reece.
Ignite that light.
Let it shine.
# Just own the night #
# Like the 4th of July #
You're off your head, you know.
# Baby, you're a firework #
Yes, kid!
# Come on, let your colours burn. #
All right, love you!
You followed us here?
You are my dad, I knew it.
But why did you lie?
I've got no idea
what you're chatting, lad,
but if yous keep staring,
the biggest one's getting chinned.
You with me? Eh?
'Ey, Martin didn't have a tattoo.
Ah, yous think I'm Martin.
No, no, I'm Alan, his twin.
But they call me Mr 997
cos I got the highest score
on the boxing machine in this place.
20 years,
and the record still stands. Oosh!
BEEPING FANFARE
These new iBoxer machines
don't count, lad. Proper jarg.
Scoring 1,000 on them
is like scoring 600 in my day.
The game's gone, lad.
Do you remember a Jodie?
You met her at this pub, like,
17 years ago?
Jodie Jodie
Bloody hell, yeah.
Jodie! Fuck, that's a blast
from the past, that, lad.
This is Reece, Jodie's son.
Right.
We thought Martin was his dad,
but you're his dad.
Are you having me on, fella?
You're my boy?
Let's get a look at you, then, 'ey!
'Ey!
Hey, you know what, I see it now.
You've got them boxers arms like me.
Let's test your jaw out,
see if you've got mine.
Come here.
Bet you're glad that boring
soft shite weren't your dad, eh?
'Ey, got a proper schnozz on you
there, lad. That's not from me.
But if you've got a big dick,
that is.
Know what I mean?
Hey, fellas, this is Reece, my son!
G'wed.
Go on, say something.
He's too happy.
Doesn't know what to say.
Soppy little blurt. Go on!
# He's one of our own
He's one of our own #
Fuck.
# Reece Duffy, he's one of our own
# He's one of our own
He's one of our own
# Reece Duffy
He's one of our own. #
# Not an easy thing
# To choose. #
# He's one of our own #
Sorry, something's come up.
Are you at a party?
# Christopher
He's one of our own! #
Is that Mo? Are you with them lot?
Yeah, but
Why didn't you just tell me
you weren't interested, you snob?
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
# Not an easy thing to do #
You all right?
Where's Christopher?
Town.
# Cos my heart stays with you #
Dunno.
# My heart stays with you. #
Oh, my God, that's Mr Dunn!
Holding the door open for her
cos you think
she's weak and incompetent, Sir?
Is she allowed her own money, Sir?
"Let her out the cage for tonight,
did you, Sir?"
I did, yeah,
but she'll be back in by nine.
MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES
See, we're outside school, so
I don't have to take this shit here.
Boom!
THEY LAUGH
Look, I should have listened to you,
looking out for me, girl,
instead of
just getting pissed off
cos I was worried
what you were saying might be true.
I would say the same. I should know
you've always got my back.
I don't think I'll ever meet anyone
who I'll have more of a laugh
with than you.
Same here, girl.
We are gonna smash
the rest of this year.
Love you, girl.
# Reece Duffy, you're the one
# This is where you belong
# Alan's kid is home again. #
Good one again! My son! Yeah!
# Looking back on where we first met
# I cannot escape
And I cannot forget
# Baby, you're the one
You still turn me on
# You can make me whole again #
# For now, I'll have to wait
# But, baby, if you change your mind
# You can make me whole again. #
What's happening, cornflake head?
'Ey, we need to be mates again,
you know.
I've had to turn to drugs
to cope without ya.
Not funny.
I can't believe
you got me up early for this.
Oh, just a little bit dirty.
Oh, just
Just a little bit more there.
Argh!
I can't.
One more, come on push.
Look, look at him. He's a baby boy.
Congratulations.
A son. A son!
HE LAUGHS
Fancy some FIFA after school later?
I just need to hide a few things
first so you can't steal them.
I'm joking.
Can you bring one of
your controllers, too, though?
I've lost one of mine.
THEY LAUGH
HE SPEAKS ARABIC
Didn't you pay for his lunches
last week?
Oh, he's still having problems
getting the right ID
for a bank account.
I don't wanna scare you, girl,
but you read about things like this
all the time.
Foreign men scamming women
for money.
What are you on about, girl?
Like me nan, who met that Adama
fella from Gambia on Facebook.
He moved here, they got married,
and then he divorced her so he could
take half of her life savings.
I mean, no offence to ya nan, girl,
but she was like 74, and he was 25.
It was pretty obvious
he wasn't with her
for her saggy tits and pancake arse.
May she rest in peace.
Are you sure you can trust him?
He lied to you
about speaking English.
Oh, my God, girl, are you jealous?
No, you were the one saying
it's weird
you haven't been to his house yet.
Yeah, well, yesterday,
he had me waiting on the corner,
and I could definitely just about
work out which house was his.
So there.
wait on the corner?
Well, you're one to talk,
chasin' after that posh bellend.
I mean, it's getting
a bit embarrasin', to be honest.
He's not interested
in girls like you,
but he doesn't wanna tell you
because he doesn't wanna look
like a snob.
Oh, don't worry girl. I'm going.
You see, I've actually got
a meetin' with Netflix.
Yeah, they wanna do a documentary
on Ziad, The Libyan Swindler,
about how he manipulated a stupid,
naive girl from Liverpool
for a fiver.
Oh, Nice 'n' Spicy
just edge it for me.
Aww, lad, if you're a Rib 'n' Saucy
type of guy, it's OK.
They're both
two absolute heavyweights.
My mum's just emailed me.
Oh, no. Have you lost the plot
cos I haven't been around
to keep you sane?
Before she died, she must have
scheduled emails for me.
What does it say?
"Hiya, son. Cancer must have got me
by now. Or did it?
"Maybe I faked my death
"and now live off-the-grid
in Alaska with an impressive beard."
She had a weird sense of humour.
"I know your dad's birthday
was always a tough day for us.
"So I wanna remind you
of the poem we wrote for him.
"The image is fading
of what it was like
"when you would hold me
incredibly tight.
"But I'll give never forget
the feeling you gave
"..the feeling that
everything was all right."
"I'll keep going
like you're by my side.
"So, when I see you again,
and you ask me how it went,
"I'll tell you it was fun,
and I achieved everything I dreamt.
"Love you, my son.
Hope those words are coming true."
Thanks for taking over.
But did you have to do it
with a mouth full of Nik Naks?
THEY LAUGH
Do you know where your dad lives?
Do you wanna meet him?
No, I'm not arsed.
I did as a kid, though.
You can still make some memories
with your dad.
I'd do anything to make some more
with mine
even for one day, one hour,
one minute.
I wonder what your da's favourite
Nik Naks were.
I have a fading memory
of him eating Rib 'n' Saucy.
THEY LAUGH
Come 'ead, lad.
Where the fuck's all this coming
from, Reece?
Do you think I've done a bad job?
It's just
I was speaking to Christopher,
and he wrote this poem to his dad,
before he died,
and just gets ya thinking,
doesn't it?
So what? We can write a poem
to your dad if you want.
Er 'I know this poem's come
out of the blue,
'but we've never needed ya,
so fuck you.'
See? Easy.
Ever since you were born, all
I've done is try and make you happy.
And now I feel like you're tellin'
me I haven't done enough.
No, Mum, that's not true at all.
You have been enough.
I am happy. I am.
Sorry, Mum.
I didn't mean to upset ya.
Are you sure you're ready for this,
Reece?
Yeah, Mum.
Suppose I've always just pushed it
away.
But it's always been
in the back of me head.
OK.
Well, I'm not ready.
But if you are,
then I suppose I need to be.
Your dad's name's Darren.
Disneyland Darren.
I know. Look, his mate said it was
cos he was always goin' on about
this trip he took to Disneyland.
Even when we were having sex,
he kept going on about
how it reminded him
of going down Splash Mountain.
I know. I know.
It was a one night stand, son.
After I found out I was pregnant,
I tried to find him.
I swear, I did,
but he's not from round here.
He's from Manchester.
I'm sorry! I know!
I know!
Oh, I tried me best to find him.
No, son.
Once I realised
I couldn't find him,
I knew I had to just focus on you.
And the day you were born
I promised ya
that I'd be
twice the mum that you deserved,
to make up for the fact
that ye never had your dad.
And ye have been, Mum.
Come here. Come on.
I love you, too.
Ooh, I love you so much.
Me little gobshite.
Hiya, what are you up to?
Oh, I'm working
on a history project with Ruby.
Hey, did you hear about me dad's
acca comin' in at the weekend?
He won 2,000 quid.
It's crazy, eh?
Why'd you pick Ruby to be
your partner?
She sits by me in the class.
You wha'?
You haven't given him
your bank details, have ye?
Oh, I'm sure
she'll use the winnings to buy you
lunches and the PS5 you want.
Oh, and your dad defo could have won
more. He cashed out, the pussy.
He choked.
PSG were obvs gonna score.
Come on, Mia.
Nice one for findin' him, lad,
the Disneyland discussion forums.
You're a genius. This is it?
Well, let's not judge him
on where he lives.
He could still be
a really respectable guy.
Which one of you is Reece?
HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY
You're home.
Hey, do you know what's strange,
son?
I've been havin' a lot of thoughts
about your mum recently.
So, it's like a higher power's
trying to tell me summat.
A lot of those thoughts
was reaching into the wank bank.
But still
I know it don't look like much, son.
But I've not been able to work
because of me disability.
I have a severely stubbed toe,
and the pain radiates
through me legs.
But don't worry because I've got
big, big money coming my way.
Oh, yeah.
I'm always applying
to Pointless, Millionaire.
It's only a matter of time
before I win big.
I made it onto The Chase once, son.
Well, I took the lower offer,
and I still got knocked out,
but I was very unlucky
with the questions.
Currently doing another application
for Pointless now, as we speak.
Oh, my God!
We should do one together
as a father-and-son team!
I'm all right, to be honest.
Fuckin' hell,
me own son fuckin' hates me.
Hey, he doesn't hate you.
He just needs a bit of time
to get to know you.
Oh, yeah time.
And time's what we have got, son.
Nothing but time.
And I'm gonna spend every single day
making up for the time
that we've lost.
Every single day.
Just you and me together.
I'm gonna get off.
It-It was nice to meet you.
Oh, really? Hey,
do you wanna go go-karting tomorrow?
I can take you swimming.
Wait, that's it? You're going?
See the state of him?
16 years for him?
I'd rather not know where
I came from, if I came from that.
I need the toilet before we go.
Oh, hurry up, before he asks me
to play catch or something.
Hey, son,
do you know how to ride a bike?
Because I could teach you.
I'll wait outside, lad.
THEY LAUGH
Hey.
Do you wanna come to me mum's
birthday meal tomorrow night?
She really wants to meet you,
and we've got
an extra seat at the table
Er s-sure.
Last night, I was looking online,
and I found a local support group
for family members of MS sufferers.
There's one tomorrow night,
actually.
What an incredibly thoughtful
gesture, Christopher.
It's great that me mental well-being
is clearly your top priority.
Great, so you meet my parents,
and then after,
I'll go your house and meet yours.
Erm, sure.
Friday night at Ziad's house.
No waiting on the corner.
I know it sounds daunting,
but I could come with you,
if that's OK?
Thanks, Christopher. I'd love to go
there tomorrow together.
So, actually, er, Mia-Louise,
I finally opened the bank account.
So I have the money
that I owe you for the lunches.
Ziad, you don't have to give me
the money back,
but what a wonderful sign of trust
that you have done.
MUSIC: 'Wet Dream'
by Wet Leg
# Beam me up
Beam me up
# Count me in
Count me in
# Three, two, one
Three, two, one
# Let's begin. #
# It's not time to make a change
# Just relax and take it easy
# You are young
It's not your fault #
What the fuck's that?
Nonce alert.
# You need to know. #
God, is that Reece's da?
No No No.
Check his hard drive.
No, it's a song about a father
offering up his life experience
for his son.
Which is what I'm gonna do for you.
CLASS LAUGHS AND JEERS
I've got a surprise for you.
The fringe on it.
I've got one for you an' all.
JEERING LAUGHTER
For when I win it big
on me quiz shows.
Sir, have you met Reece's da?
Step away from the kids
now.
Don't worry about it.
So, wha'? It changes nothing.
Hm Nothing.
Chin up, lad.
THEY LAUGH
Nah, I can't do it.
That's your dad in there.
Your life is ruined.
I'm questioning your whole identity.
Reece,
Disneyland Darren's not your dad.
If only, lad.
No, when we were there,
I went to bathroom
so I could get a hair sample.
I ordered a DNA test,
and I just got the results.
He's not your dad.
You did that for me, lad? Nice one.
But, erm
..how did you get
me hair sample, though?
My bin still had your pubes in it
from when you thought it was funny
to keep leaving them on my pillow.
THEY LAUGH
I can't believe it, son.
I was convinced
he was your dad cos
Cos what, mum?
Cos
when I slept with someone else
the next weekend,
we used protection.
Don't look at me like that!
Me nan had just died.
I was bladdered for three months,
out looking for distractions.
Which is why I admire you so much,
just processing all the emotions.
So, who is he, then?
And please don't say
Universal Studios Steve.
I didn't get his real name.
He went by Mr 997.
I met him in the Farmer's Arms.
Afterwards, I moved away.
I didn't get his phone number,
and I never saw him again.
I'm sorry, son.
Fucking hell Fucking hell.
Even DNA fucking hates me.
I'm absolutely devastated, son.
Brought this with me
so we could build it today.
Never gonna get the chance now,
am I?
You know, I bet
your dad's that bean head fella,
the lucky bastard.
Mr 997? Well
..the next weekend,
I went back to your mum's house
with some flowers cos
..I was smitten, lads.
Anyway, I rang the doorbell,
and there was no answer.
So then I look through the window,
and that's when I see
this hook-nosed fella
with a massive bean head,
shaggin' your mum on the couch.
It was gutting!
You know, I saw him years later.
I was in Liverpool,
and I saw his face on a poster.
He was giving a talk
on one of his books.
I tell you what, lads,
you never forget a cum face.
Do you remember
the name of the book?
Nah, I was smashed off my tits.
But I think it was something weird
about looking
through doors or windows
because I remember thinking
"Has he written a book
all these years later
"about me seeing his cum face?"
# When I think about
What you've become
# I feel sorry for your mum
# You say we're all having fun
# Do you know you're the only one?
# And when the lights go down
# On this fucking town
# I know it's time to go
# And when the radio plays
And the static stays
# Yeah, I know it's time to go. #
'He was giving a talk
on one of his books.
'I think it was something weird
'about looking through doors
or a window.
'Has he written a book
all these years later,
'about me seeing his cum face?'
'Do you remember
the name of the book?'
'No, I was smashed off my tits.
'Hook-nosed fella
with a massive bean head,
'shaggin' your mum on the couch
bean head bean head.
'You never forget a cum face.'
'The lucky bastard.'
Mr 997!
Oh, my God. Look at this place.
I just wanna say
thanks for all your help.
And you know
you said about going down to Surrey
to see your dad's grave?
I'll come with ya.
We'll make a day out of it,
pull some posh birds.
Yeah, let's do it.
PHONE DINGS
Whoa, look at the size
of this place!
You're me dad.
Look at his awards.
That was
my first-ever published book.
It's a research study into NDEs.
Near death experiences?
Common, aren't they?
Like, 20% of people
who come close to death have them.
That's exactly right, and people
don't realise how common they are.
And please,
help yourself to Caramel Hobnobs,
my favourite biscuit to dunk.
The The caramel
acts as a strengthener
so it doesn't break, ensuring a
..sufficiently saturated
biscuit.
Oh, my God, it's extraordinary.
It's extraordinary.
So how's your mother?
Is she still debating?
What do you mean, debating?
She was captain of the opposing
debate team. That's how we met.
Camilla's arguments to why
water-heavy agricultural systems
should be illegal
really blew me away.
Camilla?
No!
We're talking about Jodie.
Don't you remember?
You were shagging Jodie from behind.
And I was in the window
when I saw you cum.
What is it about us and windows,
eh? We're at it again.
So you're not Camilla's boy?
Hey, did you and Jodie ever do
that position
where she put her legs like that?
All right.
You're sick. Get out!
So you didn't sleep with Jodie
17 years ago?
You met her
at the Farmer's Arms pub?
No, I don't know any Jodie.
Get out before I call the police.
Come on. Get out. Move!
Your angry face looks
like your cum face, to be honest.
The three of ya,
get off my property!
Get out!
I've been following you, son.
It's my duty to look out for you.
Guardian protector father.
HE EXHALES SHAKILY
Sorry,
it's still really tough to hear.
And that's obviously not the fella,
is it?
Do you know, for a second,
I thought I'd found the reason
why I've always felt
like the black sheep of me family.
I finally felt a sense of
..belonging.
But it wasn't real.
Just don't embarrass me, OK?
When do I ever embarrass you,
love, eh?
# I'm singing in the rain #
Hello!
# Just singing in the rain. #
HE CHUCKLES
I'm only joking with you.
Look, it'll be really nice
to meet him.
Hey!
# Why did I fall
Fall into your arms
# Will we ever be
Like the way we used to be
# Or have we lost ourselves
# Thought I knew you better #
You lying, cheating prick!
Mia-Louise! Mia-Louise!
Please, habibti, wait, wait.
Mia-Louise!
Wait, habibti,
please, please, please.
I'm not cheating on you, OK?
She's from another Libyan family,
and my mum and uncle
wanted me to meet her.
But why? You're going out with me.
They're scared I'm gonna lose
my culture and forget my heritage.
That's why you didn't want
me coming round to your house,
they don't want you to be with me?
I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.
Just Just talk to them.
Just tell them how you feel
about me.
I've tried. I have tried.
Do you like this girl?
How could I like her,
when I'm in love with you?
But they're my family.
And they sacrificed so much
for me to be here.
I'm I'm sorry.
I I can't.
Are you sure this is the place?
I know it was 17 years ago,
but maybe someone at The Farmer's
Arms will recognise her.
What are yous doing here?
Christopher text us, telling us
to come to The Farmer's Arms,
to ask around about Mr 997.
But as soon as we got here,
some bloke accused me
of being Trevor
that broke up his marriage.
Dead weird.
This other fella,
he's made me buy meat.
Oh, lad, that stinks.
They're not approaching normal
people here.
He was in the cubicle next to me
and slid it under the door.
Look, you either find him
or you don't.
But we'll always have each other,
OK?
Now, I know you didn't like it when
Disneyland Darren serenaded you,
so I'm not gonna do that. I just
I want you to know
you're so special, Reece.
Ignite that light.
Let it shine.
# Just own the night #
# Like the 4th of July #
You're off your head, you know.
# Baby, you're a firework #
Yes, kid!
# Come on, let your colours burn. #
All right, love you!
You followed us here?
You are my dad, I knew it.
But why did you lie?
I've got no idea
what you're chatting, lad,
but if yous keep staring,
the biggest one's getting chinned.
You with me? Eh?
'Ey, Martin didn't have a tattoo.
Ah, yous think I'm Martin.
No, no, I'm Alan, his twin.
But they call me Mr 997
cos I got the highest score
on the boxing machine in this place.
20 years,
and the record still stands. Oosh!
BEEPING FANFARE
These new iBoxer machines
don't count, lad. Proper jarg.
Scoring 1,000 on them
is like scoring 600 in my day.
The game's gone, lad.
Do you remember a Jodie?
You met her at this pub, like,
17 years ago?
Jodie Jodie
Bloody hell, yeah.
Jodie! Fuck, that's a blast
from the past, that, lad.
This is Reece, Jodie's son.
Right.
We thought Martin was his dad,
but you're his dad.
Are you having me on, fella?
You're my boy?
Let's get a look at you, then, 'ey!
'Ey!
Hey, you know what, I see it now.
You've got them boxers arms like me.
Let's test your jaw out,
see if you've got mine.
Come here.
Bet you're glad that boring
soft shite weren't your dad, eh?
'Ey, got a proper schnozz on you
there, lad. That's not from me.
But if you've got a big dick,
that is.
Know what I mean?
Hey, fellas, this is Reece, my son!
G'wed.
Go on, say something.
He's too happy.
Doesn't know what to say.
Soppy little blurt. Go on!
# He's one of our own
He's one of our own #
Fuck.
# Reece Duffy, he's one of our own
# He's one of our own
He's one of our own
# Reece Duffy
He's one of our own. #
# Not an easy thing
# To choose. #
# He's one of our own #
Sorry, something's come up.
Are you at a party?
# Christopher
He's one of our own! #
Is that Mo? Are you with them lot?
Yeah, but
Why didn't you just tell me
you weren't interested, you snob?
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
# Not an easy thing to do #
You all right?
Where's Christopher?
Town.
# Cos my heart stays with you #
Dunno.
# My heart stays with you. #
Oh, my God, that's Mr Dunn!
Holding the door open for her
cos you think
she's weak and incompetent, Sir?
Is she allowed her own money, Sir?
"Let her out the cage for tonight,
did you, Sir?"
I did, yeah,
but she'll be back in by nine.
MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES
See, we're outside school, so
I don't have to take this shit here.
Boom!
THEY LAUGH
Look, I should have listened to you,
looking out for me, girl,
instead of
just getting pissed off
cos I was worried
what you were saying might be true.
I would say the same. I should know
you've always got my back.
I don't think I'll ever meet anyone
who I'll have more of a laugh
with than you.
Same here, girl.
We are gonna smash
the rest of this year.
Love you, girl.
# Reece Duffy, you're the one
# This is where you belong
# Alan's kid is home again. #
Good one again! My son! Yeah!
# Looking back on where we first met
# I cannot escape
And I cannot forget
# Baby, you're the one
You still turn me on
# You can make me whole again #
# For now, I'll have to wait
# But, baby, if you change your mind
# You can make me whole again. #