Haha, You Clowns (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
Okay, we got movement!
Look alive! Look alive, people!
Michael, we can still
see your foot.
-(SWITCH CLICKS)
-(CAMCORDER BEEPS, WHIRS)
(DUNCAN CHUCKLING)
(CHUCKLES)
-(SHUSHES)
-(SHUSHES)
-(DUNCAN CHUCKLING)
-(CAMCORDER WHIRRING)
(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)
(GUEST COUGHING)
(CAMCORDER WHIRRING)
-BROTHERS: Surprise!
-GUESTS: Surprise!
-Goddammit! Jesus!
-(GUESTS LAUGHING)
BROTHERS:
Happy birthday, old man.
Gary! Frank! Phil!
Oh, and Bruski.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
How long's it been?
(CHUCKLES)
Not long enough, pledge!
Now drink this beer.
-(BROTHERS LAUGH)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You boys have been cracking up
at everything I've been saying.
(CHUCKLES) It's just the way
he says things.
I'm telling you, these boys
are easily entertained.
-(LAUGHS) I like it.
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(JOLLY TUNE PLAYS) ♪
Come, brothers,
let us raise a toast.
GUESTS: To the house
We love the most ♪
We'll march together ♪
-Day and night ♪
-(CHUCKLES)
GUESTS:
With our brothers standing ♪
-Side by side ♪
-(PHONE CAMERAS CLICK)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, SIGHS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WIND WHOOSHING)
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Pinwheel?
-Pinwheel?
How we doing
on the veggie platter?
I'm going to need
a larger cutting board.
-I got you.
-Move, pledge!
(BROTHERS LAUGH)
Yeah, we could have taken
them all too.
(CHUCKLES) You keep
telling yourself that, Bruski.
(FRIENDS LAUGH)
-Come on, Tom, back me up here.
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, gosh.
Hey, talking old war stories,
I see.
-Yep.
-Hey, where's your beer?
(FRIENDS LAUGH)
Uh, t-- trying
to watch my figure.
-(LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
The apple couldn't have fallen
further from the tree, huh, Tom?
(FRIENDS LAUGHING)
So, Frank,
how are the fish biting?
Yeah,
we got your Christmas card!
What's this talk
about you retiring?
-Hey, Tommy.
-TRISTAN: California.
-You guys see what's happening
in California right now?
-(LAUGHS) Hulk mode.
-TRISTAN: Oh, and don't
get me started on minimum wage.
-(SLURPS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Seriously, Chet,
congratulations.
I'm sure Connie is thrilled
to have you helping
around the house.
Now-- Now, you two met
in college, correct?
Yep. Homecoming parade.
Your dad was there. (CHUCKLES)
Our fraternity threw
a pretty wicked
homecoming party,
didn't we, Tom?
-(LAUGHS) Hulk mode.
-(FRIENDS LAUGHING)
You know what's wicked?
-These pinwheels.
-Hulk mode.
I mean,
what is in these, Tristan?
Uh, it-- it's probably
the tzatziki.
Yeah, typically
when you think pinwheels--
And oh my goodness,
there's a cake!
Can I cut anyone a slice?
(LAUGHS) What is this,
confetti cake?
(LAUGHS)
Tom's in Hulk mode again.
-(FRIENDS LAUGHING)
-Hulk mode? What's that?
Your dad used to get
so bombed at parties,
he would, uh
-(LAUGHS) throw some things.
-No way!
We're talking
about our dad, correct?
-Okay, just making sure.
-So what would he throw?
-We used to call it "Hulk mode."
-Hulk mode.
CHET: I think the Hulk was
a little before their time--
-No, we know the Hulk.
-But what did he throw?
We're talking
about Lou Ferrigno.
-Yeah, no, Lou Ferrigno.
-So what would he throw?
He would throw me!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
BRUSKI: (LAUGHS) And one time,
your daddy was
so blackout drunk,
he threw me off
the frat house roof.
-(FRIENDS LAUGH)
-FRIEND: Yeah.
Oh, God. That's hilarious.
No, no. (LAUGHS)
The "hawarious" part was
the unsuspecting
foreign exchange student
walking down below.
-(FRIENDS LAUGHING)
-(BRUSKI LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER ECHOING)
STUDENT: Huh? No, no, no, no!
(BODY THUDDING)
(FRIENDS LAUGHING)
No. Seriously?
(SNICKERS) Broke my fall.
Whatever happened to that kid?
I think he had to go back
to China or something.
BRUSKI:
Never to be heard from again.
(CHUCKLES)
Classic Hulk mode, eh, Tom?
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I-- It was the Wild West
back then.
It was. (SIGHS) It was.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Very, very delicious.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Wow! I-- I thought
that was the oldest.
She's really sprouted.
Hey, boys, come--
come settle a bet for us.
Now, who's-- who's
your daddy's favorite, huh?
My-- My money's on Duncan,
but Chet thinks it's--
-Ah, don't listen to him.
-(LAUGHS)
Okay, I-- I think we need
to cut Bruski off.
-Bar's closed.
-(BROTHERS LAUGH)
You wanna cut me off?
Then help me finish.
I told you,
I'm watching my figure.
Chug it, pledge.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You your daddy's boy
or what?
(CHUCKLES) What are you
even talking about, Bruski?
Well, then why don't you go
ahead and prove it, pledge?
You a big ol' Hulk,
or you a little baby Hulk?
-(GRUNTS) Excuse me!
-There you go, that's it.
-(GRUNTS)
-That's it.
I'm not my father.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, your dad was a wild man
those first couple
of years in college,
that's for sure.
But then he met your mother.
I mean,
your dad did a complete 180.
He sobered up,
started going to class,
and actually graduated
with honors.
All thanks to your mom.
FRIENDS: Oh, Lady, oh, Lady
Of Lambda Phi ♪
We raise our cup to you ♪
A guiding star
A light so bright ♪
Your love is a rose
Upon thy breast ♪
Petals so red
A perfume so sweet ♪
For she is a Lady
Of Lambda Phi ♪
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho! ♪
(SWITCH CLICKING)
TRISTAN: Okay, you guys got
your keys, wallets
-You guys grab your party favor?
-Chet?
I hope
you're not the one driving!
TRISTAN: Ten and two,
I'm serious now, Chet.
(SIGHS) All right, fellas.
Is it about that time?
(SIGHS) Yeah,
it's about that time.
TRISTAN: (SNIFFLES) Yeah,
that should be warm enough.
BRUSKI: (SLURRED)
I pledge my heart
To the house ♪
The house of Lambda Phi ♪
TRISTAN: Yeah. Right behind you.
The house of Lambda Phi
Brothers together ♪
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY) ♪
Hey, you wanna take off
his shoes, there?
Quit feeling me up, perverts.
I pledge my heart
To the house ♪
The house of Lambda Phi ♪
BROTHERS:
The house of Lambda Phi ♪
Brothers together
Arm in arm ♪
A pint for one
And a pint for all ♪
Our heart beats
As one hurrah ♪
Our heart beats as one ♪
Your daddy raised
some sissy boys, you know that?
(PRESTON SIGHS)
It's funny. I used to think
you were hilarious,
but deep down,
you're just a sad little boy.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Yeah, let's just do a once-over
with vinegar and bleach,
before Dad wakes up.
(SIZZLING)
Dad, w-- what are you doing up
so early?
Yeah, let me-- let me get you
some ibuprofen, Dad.
That won't be necessary.
I didn't drink much.
-Coffee, then.
-Maybe in a sec.
-Hazelnut or French vanilla?
-Please, take a seat.
(TRADITIONAL CHINESE
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
PRESTON: Chinese?
What's the occasion?
TRISTAN: Dad,
you didn't have to.
DAD: No, I did.
I want
to show you boys something.
Thank you, that's good.
Any of you boys know
what this is?
-Like a tassel?
-An ornament.
DAD: It's a Chinese knot.
It's a symbol of good luck
and prosperity
in Chinese culture.
And this is a finger trap.
A reminder never to work
against one another,
but together.
And this is a yuan.
The official currency of China.
Uh, I was-- I was gonna say,
that sure doesn't look
like George Washington.
-(BROTHERS CHUCKLE)
-That's beautiful. Very nice.
Why are you even
showing us this, Dad?
That foreign exchange student
I injured so many years ago,
well, his name is Liang,
and we've actually kept
in close touch
since that incident.
This box is full
of letters, postcards,
and gifts from Liang.
He actually runs
a successful plastics company
in Honghu, China.
Well, I'll be
I've tried to keep
that chapter of my life hidden
from you boys,
but now that you're becoming
young men yourselves,
I just hope you can learn
from your old man's mistakes.
Aw. Very handsome.
Dad, mistakes are in our DNA.
It's what makes us human.
(CHUCKLES) For instance,
remember that time
I busted your truck window
playing ball?
-(LAUGHS)
-Or that time in the food court
when I spilled hot chili
all over your lap?
Oh, gosh.
Or even that time
I ran my ten-speed
over Ms. Gracie's
tiny little paws?
To Dad!
BROTHERS: To Dad! Yo-ho!
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Say, where's ol' Bruski,
by the way?
"Dear Bruski, thank you
for traveling so far
to make our dad's birthday
truly a surprise.
We understand the glue
that binds youthful friendship
in the beginning
-can sometimes"
-PRESTON: can sometimes
keep one stuck in the past.
I think it's safe to say
that you have
a drinking problem.
We want to encourage you
to consider seeking help.
Now is the time
for you to fly on your own.
As brothers ourselves,
we know the importance
of lifelong brotherhood.
Webster defines brotherhood as,
"the quality
or state of being brothers."
It goes on
to define brotherhood as,
"the relationship
between brothers,
an association, society,
or community of people."
PRESTON: There are
many definitions to brotherhood,
but in this home,
we simply define it as
BROTHERS: Love.
-(SNIFFLES, SOBS)
-PRESTON: Yo-ho, Bruski.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
All right, places, everyone!
-This is not a drill!
-(SHUSHES) He's coming! Hide!
-(CAMCORDER WHIRRING)
-Hey, guys! I'm home!
Anybody home?
-(KEYPAD CLACKING)
-(SMS NOTIFICATION WHOOSHES)
-DUNCAN: Hello?
-(PHONE BUZZES)
Anybody? Tristan?
Where is everybody?
Am I-- Am I the only one here?
Am I home alone?