Haunted Hotel (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
What is happening?
It's not my fault! I was
just looking for secret passageways!
Then congrats on finding one!
Why is there an alarm
on a secret passageway?
Because that secret passageway
leads to the Forbidden Wing!
Installed the alarm myself.
How do we turn it off?
Okay, see you guys later.
You're not going into the Forbidden Wing.
Also, why is it called the Forbidden Wing?
Ugh. That's what the ghost vote landed on.
I was a fan of the Dark Place,
but our vote got split with pranksters
voting for Cucktown.
No, I mean, why is it forbidden?
Oh, you know, it's old, it's dark.
It's home to a mysterious evil
that consumes all humans
and ghosts who enter.
Never got around to dealing with it
while I was corporeal.
Hey, another project you never finished.
-Name one project I never finished.
-Hedge maze.
Growing in nicely.
Yeah, we're boarding this up.
Ooh, I have the email
of a contractor who could help.
He's super cheap
because he was convicted of…
You know what? He's just super cheap.
Wow. Haven't checked this
since I died. Let's see.
Party invite. Party invite.
Shouldn't have died
so close to barbecue season.
Wait a minute. Why is there an email
from Mom sent after you died?
You emailed your dead brother?
-Yeah, we don't need to read that.
-We don't need to, but we want to.
-I don't.
-Why not?
Because I obviously
never meant for anyone to read it.
-What's Spooky Boys Productions?
-Oh! Oh! Oh!
Open it! Open it!
Katherine, why aren't you opening it?
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
A big-time reality show
wants to film an episode in the hotel!
What's the show?
Ghost Hunters.
According to my research,
the caddie drowned
in the lake behind this shed.
Talk about a water hazard.
Jib, you picking anything up?
EMF readings are off the charts.
I'd say we're looking at a par-boo.
Fore!
I cannot explain that!
I rate this encounter three ghosts.
Boo, boo, boo!
Oh, I'd be great on this show!
I'd have a nickname like "The Squirrel,"
and I'd be super unreliable.
You said you read the book
that would break the curse!
-I skimmed it!
-Damn it, Squirrel!
I'm gonna be so good on TV!
Why would you want to be shrunk down
and trapped in the prison box?
I'm sorry, is that what you think TV is?
Abaddon, a TV isn't a prison.
It's more like a book,
but with pictures sending messages
of love and friendship
and graphic true crime across the world.
Sending messages?
Meaning I could use TV
to transmit my message across the globe,
begetting a new horde of disciples
to do my unholy bidding?
Probably.
Just goes to show,
you send enough emails
to random reality shows,
good things happen.
Damn it, Jessica!
Except this isn't happening.
There are a million ways
shooting a TV show
in a haunted hotel could backfire.
We could lose business.
Look, I just don't want
to turn the hotel into a gimmick
for the amusement of… ten million people?
And this isn't even
one of the classic episodes
like "Haunted Theme Park"
or "Racism Apology."
Ten million people.
Even if a fraction of them come to visit--
The hotel would collapse.
I'm in, but we're doing this my way.
Not just winging it
and giving up halfway through.
I can see that's a shot at me
and will think of a comeback later.
We need to curate this experience.
Our best ghosts
doing their spookiest bits.
We need…
Ghost auditions! I'm a shoo-in.
I'm the only ghost in this hotel
who was in talkies.
Aside from that Shirley Temple wannabe,
Jillian Demure.
I'm just a peanut
A little baby peanut
Looking for my shell!
Ben, slam the door in her face.
Ben? Ben. Ben!
Sorry, I was lost in thought.
A heavy thought, now that you ask.
What should I sing?
The obvious choice is "Little Jazz Bird"
from the hit musical Lady, Be Good!
But what if everyone sings that?
Speaking of asking each other for advice,
you know my bully Zeff?
So his parents are splitting up,
and apparently tormenting me is
the only way he can, quote, "feel normal."
Ben, you'll be bullied forever.
Auditions are in one hour.
You're right. Tabling my needs
until your needs are met in full.
Thank you for coming.
As you know,
we need ghosts to appear in a TV show.
We're going for a classic haunting.
Scary, but fun scary.
Which means no murderers,
or perverts, or pervert murderers.
-Not too late to keep the perverts.
-At least we've got Nathan.
Not a pervert, and proud of it.
But I also can't be on TV.
What? This was your idea.
It was my idea for the hotel to be on TV.
I have stage fright.
Also, Mom thinks I'm dead.
Hey, where am I buried, by the way?
Let's make some of these ghosts famous!
I'm a ghost!
Trapped in this beautiful hotel
with spacious, cozy rooms!
-Is this how you think ghosts talk?
-It's how I want ghosts to talk.
Well, what if I write a script
telling you how to talk?
Next!
Stabby, stabby…
Not the lines, Stabby Paul.
Stabby! Stabby!
Next!
My name is Patrick Pumpkin
And soon you will see why
A pumpkin knocked my head off
When it fell from the sky
And now I live to tap dance
It's how I pay my rent
My body is a monster
From a previous accident
This is a confusing backstory.
Am I crazy, or is this sort of good?
P-A-T-R-I-C…
-Is that what he wanted to do?
-Next!
I mean, you were a therapist
before you drowned all those llamas.
How do I make someone
pay attention to my needs?
Okay, catch you later, man.
Maybe there's a book that can help.
Hmm.
Ow!
What the…
Oh my God!
This would make an incredible diary!
Dear diary, it's Ben.
How are you?
I'm… good. Could be better.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Wait, are you responding to me?
Yes. I'm an enchanted book.
And I'm enchanted to meet you. No… dumb.
Ow! Easy with the pen, dude.
Sorry!
Anyway, I'm sure you have
more important ways to fill your pages
than with teen love troubles.
Ben, that's what my pages are for.
What's on your mind?
Okay, well, stop me if this is familiar,
but my ghost girlfriend is too distracted
by a reality show casting
to hear about
my bully's parents' marital problems…
That killer's still on the loose.
And I won't lose you like I lost
your brother to the Prussians.
What was in that email you sent me?
I don't wanna talk about this
right now. Or ever.
God gave me these ankles
for a reason, Mom!
What if we talk about it once
and then never again?
Nothing to talk about. A counselor made me
send an email as a therapeutic exercise.
I said I miss you
and can't wait to play Scrabble in heaven.
Aw! Now I wanna read it even more.
Can I get some ing silence?
I am trying to make magic.
God! Amateurs!
You all deserve Jillian Demure.
Next!
That's everyone?
This isn't hard, people.
Just drift in and go, "Boo! I'm a ghost."
"I moan all night, scream all day,
and love licking
the lobby fruit bowl for some reason."
-The Ghost Hunters are here!
-You're all hired.
Make the lobby spooky
and keep your clothes on.
Built in 1873,
the Undervale Hotel
has hosted kings, presidents,
and dozens upon dozens of people
who were never seen again.
It's truly the gem of New York,
if you only count upstate.
-Not much, state. What's up with you?
-Did you just think of that?
Cut! Scratch that take. It's rubbish.
Better we get this at magic hour anyway.
I want a Malick feel.
Wow, you do not sound
like your on-screen personas.
It's called TV magic, love.
He called me "love."
Any notes for me? I'm Esther, by the way,
but you can call me The Squirrel.
-I'm a bit of a wild card.
-Welcome!
Sorry for the interruption.
I can see you're professionals, like me.
Too bad I run a hotel filled with ghosts.
Let's go see them!
Was that on camera? I can do it again.
-We're good.
-Well, if you're good, I'm good.
Come on in!
Be careful you don't trip over
all the… ghosts.
What is it, a ghost holiday?
Guys, you can come out now.
Oh, there's this guy with knives
who jumps out of this clock.
Time flies when you're dead.
You know, the episodes tend to work best
when the owner is off-screen.
You heard the man. We've got work to do!
Sorry about her.
Nathan, where are the ghosts?
If I had to guess,
I'd say they're on strike
after your incredibly insulting
ghost impression.
But I don't have to guess
because they're glaring at you.
Hey! Ghost hunters!
Ghosts! Up there right now.
Oh, yes, I see them too, love.
Very spooky.
So he just calls everyone "love"?
Here's the plan.
Abaddon, put the camera down.
I'll put you down.
Ben, get Annabelle down here.
Nathan, I'll let you read my email
if you get the ghosts to come. Esther--
Mingle with Lonny and Jib so they
understand what I bring to the show.
-Go do your homework.
-Lonny, let's shoot this bird!
Uh, sorry, what's that?
Oh, just a… normal book.
But… But, uh, hey, what are you gonna do?
I'm going to vacuum.
EMF reader, huh?
I'm a bit of a ghost hunter myself.
Truly precious,
but not as precious as our equipment,
which you should not touch
or even look at.
Thanks for being a fan. Stay ghoul.
They blew me off?
Oh, I'll stay ghoul.
I'll stay very ghoul.
You're just in time. In a normal hotel,
you vacuum up dust bunnies,
but here, we vacuum dust monsters.
Hang on. Hello?
Is this a sympathy strike?
I'm vacuuming!
Get your purple ass out here
and attack me!
-I can see you in there.
-This is bad TV.
I've never been so disrespected.
Ben, if you love me,
you'll push your mother down the stairs.
Mm-hmm. Another idea.
You do my mom a personal favor
by appearing on a TV show.
No one this century understands me!
Are you still there?
You've reached
this magic diary's answering machine.
I'm screwing with you.
What's up?
Not much. Sup with you?
Come on, Ben. It's me.
I know you write slow when you're lying.
Is it something with Annabelle?
I just feel like I can't tell her things.
So tell them to me.
I worry if we broke up,
she'd move on to that World War One pilot
who's always flirting…
She constantly walks in on me peeing,
even though I've told her
that's my special time.
I mean, how am I supposed to have
my dream church wedding
if the bride can't leave the hotel?
That sounds hard, Ben. She said that?
You sound handsome.
I think shorts are super cool!
Favorite shark on three. One, two, three…
-Mako!
-Mako!
Classic Scary Ghosts of the Undervale.
Right now, at this very moment,
an episode of television
is being shot in the hotel above us.
Which is why we can no longer be consumed
by our petty differences.
By who gets to haunt what.
Or who insulted who with what was,
frankly, a pretty good impression.
We need to rise above that.
Rise through the floor.
Rise to the challenge!
And if we do our jobs right,
we will no longer see TV
as a thing we watch.
We'll see it as a thing
we were on one time.
What did you say?
-Who is this man?
-I don't know.
Really?
No inglés? None of you?
Ah, dang it. That speech was bueno.
Legend has it that the bellhop
killed his wife, cut her up,
and put the pieces in a guest's luggage.
Explain that to TSA.
More like CSA.
Corpse. Suitcase. Agh!
Come on, they're talking about you.
Just go introduce yourself.
Sorry. I have to go
lick the fruit bowl in the lobby
since that's apparently all ghosts do.
Cut!
Did you just throw a book at me?
Uh, no.
They're frauds! Lonny is British!
Jib hates his fans!
Bad news, none of the ghosts are coming.
Good news, I'm gonna learn Spanish.
Enough! We are trying to shoot art!
Wait. Where's my camera?
Someone grab that anachronistic boy!
Maybe Ben convinced Annabelle.
Now, my fifth most common
recurring dream is--
Annabelle! It's not what it looks like.
Which I guess is just journaling.
-It's what it looks like.
-Really?
It looks like you're confiding hopes
and dreams to the spirit inside a book!
Wow, that was a really good guess.
I don't have to guess. I've been
watching you have an emotional affair
with this hardcover tramp
for the last ten minutes!
-It's not an affair if it's a book!
-I've heard that before.
What does this book have that I don't?
You don't like this? Or this? Or these?
Maybe I need more than ghost ankles.
My diary listens to me.
I can tell it what I want.
You could have told me!
I didn't even know
you had one recurring dream.
Enjoy the book while it lasts!
There's only a few pages left.
I'll write small.
I'll write small!
Hey, you fellas
wanna see a room full of rats?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're leaving?
What about the episode?
Oh, there'll be an episode.
About the worst haunted hotel
we've ever seen.
We're giving you no ghosts.
Also, we're still missing a camera.
What happened to that boy from the past?
Greetings, potential slaves.
I am the Cobra King. Let's get into it.
-We'll bill you for the camera.
-Uh…
No, no, wait!
There's one last place you need to see.
I wasn't gonna tell you
because it's incredibly dangerous
and I… I didn't think you could handle it.
Are you seriously
trying to use reverse psychology?
Like hell we can't handle it!
What up, y'all? We're here checking out
the Forbidden Wing.
And we're not talking about a hot wing…
That fell in the toilet!
How are they so popular?
Your email was a list of things
you're mad at me about?
You read the email.
Wait, how did you even open it?
He asked. And I love drama.
"I hate that you left me a dying parrot
when you went to college"?
"I hate that you only came to visit
when you needed money"?
"I hate the way
you flipped over Scrabble tiles
to pretend they were blanks,
and then the words weren't even good."
So you didn't wanna
play Scrabble with me in heaven?
Nathan, I told you
that email was a therapeutic exercise.
What therapist tells you
to send an email to a dead guy
with things you're still mad at him about?
Technically, the exercise was
to email things I missed about you,
but I got sidetracked.
Is that the Forbidden Wing?
Uh, no. I mean, I… I… I don't think so.
All these hallways look alike.
When I say "for," you say "bidden"!
-For!
-Bidden!
-For!
-Bidden!
You sent them to the Forbidden Wing
slash Dark Place slash Cucktown?
You said there was
a mysterious evil in there.
-That's their whole thing.
-We need to get them out.
Might be too late for that.
Dude, what is that?
Ah, ghost on camera. I win!
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks,
bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!
Still, ghost on camera.
Emotional affair. Give me a break.
Annabelle died
before therapy even existed.
She wouldn't know an emotional affair
if it made her a playlist.
Oh my God. It's an emotional affair.
-Wait, what?
-Look, man, I'm no expert.
I'm just a guy that got trapped
in a book by a witch.
But it's obvious you have issues
advocating for yourself.
Wait, you're a guy?
-'Cause you told me you were a magic book.
-What's the difference?
I'm not comfortable
being vulnerable with men.
Or anyone.
Why are you so afraid
of asking for what you want?
Because if she doesn't like
what I want, she might leave.
Oh, pfft. Then let her.
Take it from someone
who's heard all your secrets.
You're enough, just the way you are.
But also, that toe thing
isn't just part of puberty. See a doctor.
You're right. Thank you, diary.
Anytime. Now, if you fill this last page,
the curse will be broken,
and I can finally--
I've got it from here, friend.
It's quiet. Maybe they're fine.
Not like this!
Please, God! Not like this!
That's what you get
for disrespecting The Squirrel.
Esther, go to the lobby
and guide us. Nathan?
What? You wanna complain
about how I called our parents
by their first names all of high school?
Just come with me.
Because I never heard
Bob and Diane complain!
Oh.
It just keeps going. How big is this wing?
Not as big as the grudge
you held against me.
-Oh, there's an echo in here.
-Esther, where am I going?
I see you on Jib's camera.
It's right ahead of you.
Where are they?
It latched onto his head.
Where am I? Who am I?
Aw, man, I'm a brunette?
Lonny, what happened?
It sucked out his memories!
What did?
Probably him.
-Or her.
-This is such an unflattering cut.
Shut up about your hair!
Go!
Lady doesn't wanna see you.
Go crash another biplane.
Ben, I've never heard you talk like that.
Because I never say what I want.
But you know what? Here goes.
I wanna do a couple's Halloween costume.
I wanna take you to a school dance.
I… I want someone to deliver
a huge bouquet of flowers to my classroom
so everyone's like,
"Whoa, who's the lucky fella?"
And then the lucky fella is me.
And I wanna fight
that World War One fighter pilot
who clearly has a thing for you,
because you're the only person
I wanna have an emotional affair with.
You had me at huge bouquet of flowers.
What did he mean, "World War One"?
Uh, which way is the exit?
I thought you were keeping track
while I was busy being mad.
Just keep running!
Kathy, in case we die,
I absolutely did invent
the phrase "as if."
Also, I forgive you.
You forgive me?
You told the kids
Ron and I are splitting up before I did.
I needed to vent.
I'm being chased by a monster
that eats memories.
In case it gets me, here are all
the most famous people I've had sex with.
Dame Judi--
Help me up!
You were a ghost the whole ti--
Boy, sure is dark in here, eh?
Wait, so he was Canadian,
pretending to be British,
pretending to be American? Why?
The masks we wear, huh?
Over here!
-It's The Squirrel!
-Don't encourage this career path.
Oh God!
Oh!
Katherine!
Wait, what's it doing?
It's eating the camera's memories.
No!
-Kathy, just leave it!
-It's the only camera left.
-So what?
-I can't just give up.
Uh, yes, you can.
Look, I had to hear your problems with me.
Here's your problem.
You can't let anything go.
I mean, even after I died,
you had to send an email complaining about
how I didn't invent almond milk.
Because you didn't.
It doesn't matter. Just let it go.
Let it go.
Good news, gang.
Annabelle has agreed to be in the episode.
Don't you remember?
You guys run a scholarship fund
for precocious girls
who you treat with respect.
-That does sound like us.
-Who are us again?
Adorable. Hey, have a sticker.
Done.
-What's this?
-The email I should've sent.
"Things I like about my brother."
"He believes in me, even when I don't."
-You don't have to read it out loud.
-Everyone!
Come hear the nice things
my sister wrote about me!
Hey, if any followers of the Cobra
come to the hotel, that's for me.
I uploaded his video.
It already has two views.
-One view is mine. It wasn't for me.
-I wonder who the other view is.
And then your precious leaders
will be cut up like hot dogs at lunch.
And I am the ketchup.
How do I stop recording?