He Had It Coming (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
ROACH: The killer left
the tip of a penis
in our tip off box last night.
I want some more information
on this Donna Kebab.
Kaye Blanchett.
You're familiar with my oeuvre.
The Kill All Men Killer!
I have the most brilliant idea
for a dating sketch.
MAN: You suck!
BARBARA: Hello!
I am the kitchen gardener.
Kaye can't be the killer
and a pick-me.
She's just a pick-me.
SHEPHERD: It's Barbara, right?
How's Maya?
ROACH: Alright, get up.
We're making an arrest.
-Oh, boy.
-Shit.
(RESOLUTE MUSIC)
Good afternoon,
staff and students.
I'm absolutely thrilled
to announce
that as of yesterday evening,
police have detained
a person of interest
in regards to
the tragic campus murders.
We are very confident
this will lead to an arrest.
So I'd love if we could
put all this behind us
and focus on the upcoming
Federation Games.
Has the body of the third victim
been found?
Don't say 'body'.
He's still alive.
You can survive without a dick.
(PHONES CHIME)
Why are they detaining
an innocent woman?
How do you know she's innocent?
How do you know she's guilty?
Oh, what, are you saying a
woman's not capable of murder?
No. I could happily
kill you right now.
Bring it on.
Hey. What?
Hey, where are you going?
A man is still missing.
We need to keep protesting!
Hey, a woman has been
falsely imprisoned!
BOTH: Have some respect
for the cause!
(SINGER ULULATES)
ROACH: We have 29 anonymous tips
pointing to you, Donna.
So why don't you start
by telling us
where you were
the nights of the murders?
We wanna get you out of here,
Donna.
Just tell us where you were.
This isn't helping
your case at all.
Maybe you should reconsider
legal counsel.
OK, why don't we take a break,
yeah?
Can we get you anything?
Some water? A tea?
Kebab?
MAN ON VIDEO: But you think
it's acceptable to be promoting
the work of an accused murderer?
PHOENIX ON VIDEO: No, no.
Thank you for
for bringing that up. Um
-ELISE: Look at this.
-I don't know.
I think that Yes.
The killer may be in custody,
but her work will echo
throughout history forever.
The the annals of art history
will never forget her.
It remains bold,
primal, vaginal.
-(SCOFFS)
-If you'd like to go further
into the very subject,
I've penned an article
and you can go to my website.
You do realise
he's taking credit
for art he didn't make,
that wasn't even
intended as art?
Do you have a Google alert
for him?
Do you feel bad for Donna?
Well, why should I?
She's the murderer, apparently.
Is she?
-She didn't vandalise the sta
-(DOOR OPENS)
BARBARA: Shh!
(MUTTERS) ..statue.
-Hey, Nicole!
-Where's my eye shadow?
Oh, um, sorry, it's just
I was just having a look at it.
Are you going on a date?
-No, I'm going to the party.
-What party?
Cops and Tarts at Stephen's
College. Everyone's going.
You still owe me a toaster.
-No-one messaged me.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, doesn't mean you can't go.
Nicole said everyone's invited.
(SIGHS)
Let's go!
We can dress up as detectives.
Cool suits, sunglasses,
cigarettes.
-Magnifying glasses
-We're the tarts, Elise.
We're always the tarts.
The boys are the cops.
OK, I guess I could
make that work,
but there's only one problem.
Me.
I'm famously awful at parties.
If I were to be part of
Operation
Make Barbara Cool Again,
you'd have to give me
a complete
Give you a complete what, Elise?
Barbara,
you need to turn me into
someone horrifically different.
I need to be
your perfect wing woman.
Then I can help you get
your brand back on track
and reconnect with
your real friends.
So, OK?
(GASPS)
(SINGSONGS) What time is it?
If you want me to say 'makeover
time', I'm not going to.
('IMPOSSIBLE' BY NINA LAS VEGAS)
Ooh.
-(ELISE GRUNTS)
-You OK?
ELISE: Yeah. I'm OK.
BOY: Right here, ladies. Smile.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(SONG CONTINUES)
Camel!
Did anyone order two
absolute party animals?
Whoo!
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS HORN)
(IMPERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome to the arrest piss-up.
Another dangerous woman
off the streets.
On behalf of the
Stephen's College boys,
let's fucking party!
(ALL CHEER)
(DANCE MUSIC)
We've got six hours and then
we're gonna have to release her.
-This is killing me.
-She's a law student, Roach.
She knows we don't have enough.
Look, I get that the VC
wants an arrest, OK?
But this just seems
Yeah, well, if she has nothing
to hide, why not talk?
But
OK, the tech guys
searched her phone.
It's been completely wiped.
So we now have
reasonable suspicion
that evidence
has been destroyed.
Search her room.
Just don't, Shep.
(DANCE MUSIC)
Ah!
Nose ring!
Blaide!
I thought you'd be protesting.
Nah, I wanted a shower
and a drink.
And besides,
they'll release her.
They'll have to.
It's only a matter of time.
But how can you be so sure?
Mmm.
Ask Caroline, Donna's roommate.
She here tonight?
Are we flirting or chatting?
Just chatting.
Oh.
-Barbara.
-BARBARA: Hmm?
Donna's roommate, Caroline, is
here. We have to talk to her.
Elise, is that why
you wanted to come?
Can we just just leave it?
No, no, no, no, no.
I came to party!
But if Donna is innocent, the
police will be after us again
and it means there's still
a killer on the loose,
which means everyone on campus
is in danger.
-(SPRAYING)
-Ohh!
How did you
Bagpiper's fingers.
Nimble.
Here.
Oh, no, no. I'm not cold.
(MUTTERS) It means he likes you.
Just take it.
-I'm Tommo.
-Elise.
TOMMO: Wanna dance?
Uh sure.
Hey, Rory!
Man, good to see you!
-You want a beer?
-TOMMO: Yes!
-(CAN POPS OPEN)
-TOMMO: Wow!
(GIRL CHUCKLES)
Aren't you in the MRA now?
How are you allowed
back in the group?
I brought beer.
Must be nice to be a man. Hmm!
That could have been us,
but, uh
you didn't show up.
You never showed up for me.
Scott died
and you didn't give a shit.
Why don't you just admit that
you used me to be the Doe?
(SCOFFS) Why don't you just
admit that you used me
to nurse your fragile
male emotions?
-You're heartless.
-You're selfish.
You're vain.
You bore the shit
out of everyone with MMA.
-Fuck you!
-Fuck you!
Why couldn't we have
done this before?
I always felt like
you wanted me around
but you never wanted
to let me in.
(GRUNTS)
Elise?
I think it's working!
(MUSIC FADES)
(MUSIC STRENGTHENS)
Hey, hey! Where you going?
Oh, I'll be back!
Don't go anywhere.
ROACH: We found this
in your room.
It's a list of 212 people.
With dates.
Including the names of
the two murder victims -
Lyle's name crossed out.
Is that because you killed him?
We just wanna understand.
Doesn't look good, you know?
Refusing to cooperate,
the wiped phone and now this.
It's time to come clean.
They're the people
I've had sex with.
OK?
You cracked the case.
Congratulations.
212 people?
That's impossible.
Maybe for you.
Why'd you cross out Lyle's name?
Because we only got to
third base before he passed out
and then I found out
he was a creep,
so I dodged a bullet.
ROACH: You had animosity
towards him?
Plenty of women hated Lyle.
And Scott, for that matter.
But you had intercourse
with both of them.
DONNA: I'm sorry.
Have I been arrested for
having sex with dumb guys?
Because if so, you're going to
have to arrest a lot of girls.
SHEPHERD:
There are six dates on this list
with somebody called 'Jumper'.
DONNA: So?
Why is Jumper
the only pseudonym?
You've got 200 full names
written down there.
SHEPHERD: Well,
I can only assume
that this Jumper
is somebody you're protecting.
Or maybe shouldn't be with.
According to your diary,
you were with Jumper
on the day that the third
victim's penis tip turned up.
Is Jumper the third victim?
Is Jumper the third victim?
Have you hurt someone, Donna?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE)
We cannot let fear lead to
violence against women.
Oh, hey, there is a war going on
against men
and it's gotta stop.
Can't believe
they went to a party
while a woman rots in jail!
(JARED GROANS)
You know what'd be funny?
If I went to that party and I
I brought those boys back.
(LAUGHS)
Most intelligent thing
you've ever said.
Really? You think so?
I'm gonna come with you.
I'll walk you.
-No, I'll walk YOU.
-Ow.
-Not if I walk you first.
-No, I said I would walk you.
(DANCE MUSIC)
(BOYS CALL OUT)
BOYS: Bucks! Bucks!
Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks!
Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks!
Bucks! Bucks! Bucks! Bucks!
Bucks! Bucks!
-Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
What the hell is happening?
Midnight! Tradition!
Take your pants off, babe!
Have you seen Barbara?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(MUSIC CONTINUES MORE QUIETLY)
(BOTH CHAT INAUDIBLY)
Wait a second.
Barbara.
We need to talk.
ELISE: Barbara?
(GIRL LAUGHS)
-(DOOR OPENS)
-That's me.
(DOOR SHUTS)
ELISE: What the fuck?
Gross!
Oh! (CHUCKLES) Sorry, babe.
You bailed. And she's a 7.
Officer Tommo thinks
you're so naughty.
(MURMURS) Barbara
Come on, pick up.
Pick up! (GROANS)
(GIRL MOANS) Help me.
(PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKS)
What's wrong?
I'm trying to write an email,
but my typing game's off
for some reason.
ELISE: Let me see.
OK, um
OK, I will write. You dictate.
"Dear police,"
"My roommate didn't kill anyone."
"Truth is,"
"she's been sleeping
with her professor"
"and she was with HIM"
"both nights of the murders."
"Love, Caroline."
(CAROLINE CHUCKLES)
Wait, you're Caroline?
Mm-hm.
Do you know which professor?
All I know is
he wears fugly jumpers.
(MURMURS) Not Phoenix, then.
-Huh?
-Uh, sorry.
If Donna has an alibi,
why is she protecting this guy?
Oh, she's not protecting him.
She's protecting herself and
Ugh!
her future law career.
This shit always comes back
on the woman.
You sent it?
Oh.
200?
I mean, that can't be true,
can it?
You have to get over that.
And we have to let her go.
This Jumper guy
could be bleeding out
in a sex dungeon as we speak.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's not Donna's dungeon.
-Well, course you are.
-What does that mean?
'Cause you're too involved.
You're losing the big picture
again, Shep.
You're being obstructive
and difficult.
-I'm losing the big picture?
-Yeah!
These murders are not about
what's happened this week
or what's happened
this semester.
They are the result of
200 years of female rage.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Each year,
one in six women are harassed
on this campus.
One in thirty are assaulted.
Most of them will know
their perpetrator.
And they will come to me
looking for help
and I can't give them any.
Because misogyny is woven into
every element of this place.
And until that changes,
until we change that,
people are going to keep dying.
You watch.
And the old Roach
that I read about
in all those articles
probably would have given
a shit about that.
-JACOBS: Um
-SHEPHERD: What?!
We just received an email
I think you should see.
(ALL SHOUT AND CHEER)
Hey, Jared, shouldn't you be
crying in the quad?
We should all be on the quad.
Dorian!
Men are still under attack.
Yeah, but I made a shirt.
(SPRAYING)
-Ha-ha!
-Hell, yeah!
You just got silly-stringed!
It isn't even funny!
(LAUGHS)
What the hell?
(SPOOKY LAUGHTER)
(ECHOES) Jared
Shit!
(WHISPERING ECHOES) Jared,
Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared!
-PRUE: Oi, dipshit. In here.
-JARED: Ow!
Oh, my God. Thank God.
There is something seriously
wrong about that, um, pig
What are you doing?
Tonight, and tonight only,
I will fuck you.
And then we take this secret
to our graves.
But
what about thethe cause?
Let's pause the cause.
(PANTS)
Sorry, Maya.
I'm so sorry.
I was a different person
back then, but it's no excuse.
Oh, hey. Have you seen Barbara?
I was literally
just looking for her.
You can't go over there.
Nicole, if this is about
the toaster or the scarf
They're having a conversation
that's been a long time coming.
Scarf?
Who's that?
NICOLE: Maya.
She's the one who spoke out
after the O-Week party
at this college.
ELISE: Oh.
And your friend
publicly came out
in support of her rapist.
What?
No, Barbara never said
anything about that.
It happened before you started.
No, but Barbara
wouldn't do that.
Would she?
I have enough to deal with.
And I don't wanna
hold a grudge, so
we're good.
Really?
Yeah. I'm doing better.
Working through it.
That's that's great.
How about you?
There's this group on campus
I've been going to
Oh! Um, I'm fine.
I I'm fine. Thank you, though.
Barbara, what happened to you
that night was
It It was just
that camel video.
But that's done now.
They've stopped posting it,
so it's fine.
No, I'm talking about
what happened afterwards.
Downstairs.
It was a party.
(CHUCKLES) And we were
all wasted.
OK, well, then
you wouldn't mind coming
down there with me, then?
-So you've released her?
-We had to.
I think we need to rethink
the whole investigation.
Well, I won't say anything.
That should buy you some time.
The students should know that
the murderer is still out there.
You leave the students to me.
I don't tell you
how to do your job.
Well, you do. Constantly.
You and I both know that
this is not a new problem.
Women have been coming forward
for the past 200 years.
But they can't win
because, well
because misogyny.
Thank you, Detective,
for mansplaining
my own campus to me.
Did you go to university?
I mean, do detectives
go to university?
No, I didn't go to university.
Exactly. Because what you're
talking about IS university.
Every university.
You're talking about
the university experience.
One of the professors
is sleeping with his students.
Which isn't a crime -
unlike castration,
unlike murder.
Not sure why I have to
spell this out for you.
I have a lot of very
upset parents to deal with.
Find the fucking boy
who belongs to that fucking tip.
(DOOR OPENS)
(FRAUGHT MUSIC)
(HAUNTING VOCALISATION)
(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS)
BOY: Merry fuckin' litmas, bro!
Can't believe I didn't know.
You look different.
What's changed?
Nothing. It was
a stupid idea anyway.
(BOY GROANS)
Boundaries, bro! Read the room!
(DARK MUSIC)
(LOUD CLUNK)
(ALL GROAN)
-Hey!
-Turn the music back on!
(WOMAN GASPS)
What the fuck?
Ivan!
Ivan?!
Somebody call the cops!
(ALL SCREAM)
Somebody call the cops!
(SILENCE)
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
(SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE)
(HAUNTING VOCALISATION)