Heading Out (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Do you want a clue? Thigh bone's connected to the foot bone.
Foot bone's connected to the shinbone.
- The shinbone's connected to the knee bone.
- I don't need you, thanks.
I'm creating a superior kind of dog.
One not limited by your stupid system.
What, evolution? Why are his legs on backwards? Because I'm determined that this dog's going to be able to pick up his own shit.
Right, a few messages.
The dating site called.
They said as no-one's looked at your profile in the last 12 months they're taking you off the database.
Um Yeah, your neighbour called too.
She said she's reporting you to the council over noise pollution cos of the constant sound of - I think she said sobbing.
- And the third? Yeah, your brother rang.
Really? Ben rang here? What did he want? I don't know.
He didn't say.
Eh! That is one hot herptile.
Florence, meet Daniel.
Cold-blooded, unpredictable, rough to the touch.
You two should get on like a house on fire.
Diamondback viper.
I have never seen one of these up close before.
Man, what I wouldn't do for a weekend with her and Simon from the Co-op.
Well, you're going nowhere near her.
She is as hormonal as hell right now.
I think her strop factor is somewhere between Naomi Campbell and the full Gordon Brown.
- Just a couple of days.
- Get out.
- Go on, get out, else I'll put her on you.
- I'll put her on you.
- Yeah, well, I'll put her on you.
- I'll put her on you.
Right, ok.
D-Day.
Or as the Chinese say, "dung shay cha kung" the moment of bowel-burst.
Now, tomorrow your parents arrive, with your brother, Ben, and you're going to tell them who you really are, knowing that that could result in them disowning you, attacking you or vomiting.
How do you feel? To be honest, I wasn't expecting vomit to be on that list.
Um I feel terrified.
Oh, it's so frustrating.
If we were in Equatorial Guinea, I could drive that fear out with a birch twig and some plant hallucinogens.
This part of the world is so conservative.
Not to worry.
I have something else up my sleeve.
A little NLP technique.
Yes.
Now, take the paper, take the pen, and write on the piece of paper what you are most afraid of.
Now fold up the paper.
Very good.
We're going to burn that fear.
Yep, we're going to set light to it and we're going to watch it disappear into thin air.
What are you afraid of now? Burning to death in your flat? You can do this.
I know you can.
Now, before you go, I want to give you something.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I don't want to touch that.
I mean, that's going to be some sort of Andalucian arse rag or something, isn't it? It is a lucky charm, and you're lucky to have it.
It's brought me such good fortune over the last five years.
You live alone because your cat walked out on you, and you dry your pants on a bar fire.
Oh, don't destroy the magic with hard facts.
No, just keep it close.
And above all, respect it.
One last, lingering dip of the doozers.
That's it.
Ah! Oh, yes, you're ready.
Or at least you'd better be, because your final session is over in three, two, one.
Oh! Your breasts have given me tinnitus.
Just one more painful exercise to go through.
The bill.
I'll sort that.
It's her birthday present.
Right, ok, I'll be back.
What are you doing? Oh, come on.
You don't expect me to lug that all the way home, do you? No, you can't do that.
It's bad juju.
Bad juju? Right, here's the damage.
You are joking? What are these extras? Four ramekins, a water filter, a subscription to Sex In The Afterlife magazine? Well, the deal was plus expenses.
Adoption papers for a donkey in India and a kilo of pick 'n' mix? There is another payment option.
Have you seen the film Indecent Proposal? I'm just going to, um, get my chequebook.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um No dog.
No, no dog today.
Right, I mean, we are a vets.
I mean, you don't have to have an animal but it does tend to make consultations just a little less weird.
Well, I can mime one for you if it makes you feel any better.
I'm not here for a consultation.
I'm here to see you.
Ooh.
- I'm slightly scared by that.
- Good.
I like you more when you're rattled.
I'm just going to sit down and you can, um, talk at me while I swing my legs like a nervous teenager.
Done.
So, I've I have been thinking about my situation.
Oh, the situation? The, er, "I live in a fabulous house with my beautiful, "perfect partner" situation? - Yeah, that situation.
- Right.
Well, that situation is is coming to an end.
Really? Yeah, I mean, I I like to mix it up, you know? I like a beautiful, perfect partner phase, um but I like to alternate it with a speccy weirdo phase.
I see.
I mean, this is perfect timing, actually, cos I'm I'm I'm entering a new phase myself.
- Really? - Yeah.
I've been on a strict 20-year programme of alcoholics, gold-diggers, nutters, but, um You know, I'm looking to upgrade to somebody much more beautiful than I am, who's going to make me feel panicked and slightly sicky the whole time.
Well, then, this could work.
I'll get things sorted in the next few days, and maybe then we could discuss the possibility of this new phase.
Great, well, er you know where to find me.
Great.
I'll call you.
Ok.
Oh, God! My balls! Oh, God, my balls! Oh, God, that's good.
If you'd wanted a woman to kick you in the nuts, I'd have happily obliged without going through that rigmarole.
What's happened? Oh, we got done.
I thought that was them coming back.
- Put the chair down! - It might be the burglars.
Yes, cos burglars always tend to knock, don't they, Daniel? They might be polite burglars.
Look, the only people who knock before they come in and nick stuff are relatives.
Put it away! Hello.
Colin Stafforth, PSCO.
Here's the ID.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
I was alerted by a couple down the road that an incident had taken place.
So, - what happened? - Well, we were robbed.
Yeah, but they left prints, so get the old talc out and CSI the hell out of that window.
Yeah, I won't be doing that.
That window's over a metre high and there are health and safety implications.
As I say, I'm just here for community support.
Well, I mean, we are the community, and and we need your support.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Will you just calm it down? All right, madam.
No need to get all het up.
- God's sake, mate! - Step down, sir.
Settle.
All right? Nice and calm.
Nice and calm.
All right.
Now, I'm going to ask again, what happened? Well, a load of junkies smashed the place up and nicked all the morphine.
Yeah, with all due respect, sir, you can't definitely conclude they were junkies.
No, they actually came for my Henry Moore statues, which were just near the ketamine, which then fell into their bags.
Is that sarcasm I can detect there, madam? Oh, I think that's the only thing you can detect.
Yeah, what sort of policemen are you anyway? A community support officer.
Oh, yeah.
That figures.
- Police light.
- Yeah.
Fake fuzz.
Yeah, do they actually even train you guys? - It's mainly desk-based.
- Yeah? No close combat? Ok, once again, I'm going to ask you to be quiet so we can get back to the matter in hand.
Oh, please don't shush us again.
My business is in tatters and I'm being shushed by an extra from The Full Monty.
I'm going to ask you to moderate your tone, madam.
Or what, Colin? Are you going to fixed-penalty-notice me to death? Need I remind you I can have you arrested? Yeah! What for? Calm down, sir.
You calm it down.
Trust me, Colin, you don't want to see me calm.
Calm is the water before the shark attacks.
Listen, seeing as you're more of a part-time policeman, maybe we could share the load.
You issue me with a crime number and I'll get on to the insurance company and sort that out, yeah? No.
What do you mean, no? No, I'm not convinced this was a break-in.
What? By all means, ring your local police station, but if I'm asked, and I will be, I shall be at pains to point out that all my enquiries were obstructed at every turn.
So if you'll excuse me I have a community to get back to.
Yeah, well, you plod on, Mr Plod! Oh, God.
What am I going to do? Well, I know a bloke who'll shatter his leg for a tenner.
No, I mean about the business, Daniel.
I mean, I need it up and running now.
- I owe you, J.
Thank you.
- Don't thank me.
Just tell me I can come here and do it again.
I just disinfected a radiator.
How bad is it? Well, they've had the morphine, pethidine, benzodiazepines, and secobarbital.
Oh, no, that's all the good stuff.
Yeah, tell me about it.
That's my weekend ruined.
- Look at this place! Oh, it's such a mess! - I know, isn't it wonderful? I'm going to need a steam cleaner and everything.
Reception is smashed to pieces.
I suppose we'll have to shut up shop and get a carpenter in to fix it or something.
What do you need a carpenter for? I'm here, I'm a man.
Technically, he's a man, too.
Yeah.
It means we can do stuff.
I I can't do stuff.
I've got a jackhammer, shovel, circular saw, tarpaulin and drill in the back of my car.
- Don't ask! - Is this you offering to help me? No, it's just a good opportunity to get me big drill out.
Come on.
Wow, that is me well and truly done with the supernatural.
- What do you mean? - So much for Toria's charm bringing good luck.
You have been looking after it, like she said? Of course I have! I've kept it somewhere really nice and dark and warm.
Well, maybe it just takes a bit of time to work.
Yeah.
Ooh, can I fancy dress the animals again? Have you still got that, um rabbit tuxedo? Oh, God.
Florence.
Justine, I want you to be very quiet, - and stand on that chair, and stay there.
- Oh, hurray! - How long do I have to count for? - Really not like that.
Ok, do I need to shut my eyes? Uh-uh, no.
No, no you need to keep your eyes very open.
Like, the most open they've ever been, ok? So what's the game? The game is called Try To Not Get Bitten By The Very Angry Snake.
- I think the rules are pretty self-explanatory.
- Oh, that's boring.
No, I think we should play - Find the snake.
- No.
No, no, no it can't hurt me, anyway, because I've got I've got rubber shoes on.
Yeah, I think you're thinking of lightning.
No, I'm thinking of spare ribs and barbecue sauce.
You are a rubbish mind-reader.
- Come on.
What's its name again? - Florence.
- Oh, that is a ridiculous name for a snake.
- I know! It sounds more like a Constance.
This? This? No? That's weird.
What about this? - Nothing? - No, sorry, no.
There's nothing.
- Really? - No.
Man, you could hang a wet donkey jacket off my Johnson right now.
Wow.
Oh, I think I saw it.
Is it, um Is it long and thin? No, Justine it's short and fat! It's a snake what do you think it looks like?! Well, I'm just checking.
You're the one who's qualified.
Oh, yeah, here.
I can see it.
- Ok.
- Will it go to sleep? Does it work like a budgie? Like a very, very angry, bitey budgie.
Ok.
Ready.
We're going to need a bigger coat.
All right.
I've got it cornered now.
I'm going to go in.
Ok, look, I'll charm it, you grab it.
Oh, Florence.
I think you're really pretty.
Come to Mama.
Diamonds really are a snake's best friend.
That's not good.
Oh, no, what do I do? Isn't saliva the thing? - Shall I lick you? - No! - You're thinking of urine! - Oh, do I need to wee on you? Oh, God.
Daniel! Snake bite! You know what to do! You bet.
Not that.
Er, get me a shot.
Jamie, er, shut the windows, the doors, make sure it doesn't escape.
And, er, Justine, if you just ring the police, please, and the RSPCA.
- On it.
What's the RSPCA? - Go on, you know, you know.
Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Most of the decent stuff's gone.
This should tide you over.
- Oh, that's a big needle.
- Shut up, I need to concentrate.
I've never done this on a living human before.
What? - Go on, bend over.
- You're giving me a choice.
Uh Ok, well, um - No, not fire.
- Ok, brace yourself.
So what are the other ones? No, not ambulance.
- Ooohhh, God! - Sorry.
What's that? No, I can't hear you my friend's being stabbed.
No! She's no, she's fine.
- Stop, Daniel! Just stop it! - It's the bite that's worrying her.
It just didn't want to go in.
One more go.
Are you sure this is right? - Yeah, of course it's right.
- Only it does say here - Jamie, which of the two of us is a qualified vet? - What does it say? It says, "For animal use only.
Keep out of the reach of children.
" - Fire - "Penicillin.
" Why would you give me penicillin? I haven't given you penicillin.
Oh, yeah, I have.
Sorry my bad.
Are there any side effects? Er, "Swelling, rashes, hallucination," blah, blah, blah "Hypertension, embolism " No, basically it's fine.
Yeah, basically it's fine.
Unless you're allergic to penicillin.
Which I am! Brilliant! Well done! Jamie, can you ring my mum and dad and tell them I can't make the dinner tonight and I'm really sorry, cos I need to go to A&E? No way.
You are going to that dinner.
Ok? We'll sort this place out, us - men.
- Yeah, bye.
God, they are a suspicious bunch.
Anyway, I think they're all coming.
This doesn't feel right.
What, that yours is smaller than mine? No.
Holding a drill at all.
No, it will be quicker with both of us.
Get this cabinet up in no time.
What will happen to her? Will she be sick? What if she's sick in the restaurant? Those places are notorious for slack vomit clearance.
No, nothing will happen to her.
Right, you drill there, I'll drill here, ready? Ready.
Three, two, one Feel my bit! - Oh, what is it? - Snake.
In there, snake.
Get in.
Right, Daniel.
Remember this is not an exercise, this is the real deal.
- Remember all you have been taught.
- I should go.
Big night for Sarah, I want to support her.
Where are you, my little beauty? Where are you? God, that hospital was great! I'm so impressed with it.
Is it me, or is it really hot in here? I've got up a head of steam.
Justine? Why aren't you talking? You're always talking, why are you staring and not talking? Justine? Say something! The future's bright.
Can I help? Hi, I've booked a table.
What name, please? Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
I read that if you say stuff like that, you get treated better.
- Hi.
- All right? Wow, what happened to you? Have you been loitering next to a leaky nuclear reactor? Goodness me, what a lovely surprise.
Oh, God, it's you.
- Don't you look fresh-faced! - What are you doing here? Oh, I work here.
Oh, listen, about earlier Don't you think twice about it.
You are right, I am a part timer, a part-time community police officer and a part-time waiter who is looking forward very much to serving you this evening.
Listen, I was really stressed and I took it out on you, that's terrible.
Let's just start again, yeah? Clean slate.
Welcome to Trattoria Tony.
Lovely to be here.
This is quite a big night for me.
I just want to check we're really really good.
My parents are coming.
- Your parents? - Yeah.
Hello, there! Sorry we're late.
I didn't like the look of the train driver.
I don't know what it was, just instinct.
So we took the next one, the 14:03.
- Hello, Justine.
- Hello, love.
Justine.
And this must be Sarah's boyfriend.
Very pleased to meet you.
This is Jamie, actually.
He's a friend of mine.
This is my friend Jamie.
Oh, so where's Michel? - Who? - Your boyfriend.
Oh, Michel, the French one with the legs I'll explain later.
- So this is an Italian restaurant? Yes? - Yes.
So will it be all right for your dad's hay fever? I don't think pasta has a very high pollen count, Mum.
Why is your face orange? - Angela, don't be harsh.
- Well, it is.
It's orange.
I think it's more mahogany.
- No, it's definitely orange.
- Stop! Stop.
Why does everyone keep going on about my face? Oh my God! - It could be worse.
- How? - I'll I'll get back to you on that.
- Mum, Dad there's something I need to tell you.
I'm an Oompa Loompa! Yeah, great, thank you.
No, I wasn't laughing, it was just an upbeat sneeze.
Well, this is a mistake and I can't be here.
Yes, you can, you can do it.
- All right, where's your lucky doll? - Um Well, you know how I said it was some place - dark and warm - Yes? Well, I chucked it in the bin at work.
What? No, God, are you mad? Oh, oh, that's it.
It's over.
Because you're cursed.
Jinxed, hexed.
What are you, the thesaurus of doom? That's why this is happening.
You don't seriously think You've been burgled, injected, injected again, gone orange.
- We need to turn this around.
- Yes, we do.
Yes, we do.
Now What would Toria do? Something annoying that would make me want to kill her, like saying, - "Oh, why don't we do an improvised dance?" - Lucky dance.
Some sort of you know, lucky dance.
Do the lucky dance.
- I'm doing the lucky dance.
- I see.
So everything is gonna be all right!" Come on! Ok, deep breaths.
Remember, they only strike as a defence mechanism.
I'm going in.
Oh.
That is a colonic tube.
- Goodness, yes.
- Oh, there you are.
I've just been talking to this lovely waiter.
- Do you know, he works as a community policeman.
- Yes, incredible.
Oh, it's nothing, Angela.
I'm only a part timer.
Do you get a lot of Triads? I watched a programme on them, they seem to be everywhere.
Angela, we've talked about this, there aren't any Triads in this neck of the woods.
Shall I show you to your table? - That would be lovely.
- Follow me.
What, here? In the shadow of the U-bend.
I am sorry, we are fully booked, I'm afraid.
Are you all right there? - Yeah.
She's had a terrible day.
- Oh, poor you.
We're going to take care of you today, aren't we? Maybe give you a little something extra.
He's an angel.
Isn't he? An angel.
Please don't put your DNA in my linguine.
Right, who's for water? That's great.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Thank you.
Sir and Oh, I am so sorry.
Bless you, it's not your fault.
You must be exhausted trying to hold down two jobs.
There, I'll just mop that up.
Do you mind, if you just pass I'll use these.
Ok.
I don't know why we come here.
It's so tatty.
- I like tatty.
- I know, I thought I'd trained it out of you.
And it's so loud.
Why is everyone smiling? Because they're eating carbohydrates.
You should try it.
Well? Aren't you going to ask me how my day was? - Sorry, how was your day? - Awful.
I wish I hadn't been asked to ask.
A client's come up with this product and I just I just can't come up with a name for it.
- What is it? - Meat on a skewer.
There's already a name for that, it's satay.
No, no.
- The focus group has said - Oh, God.
Here we go! It only relates to ABs and this is a high-volume, low-quality, mechanically recovered protein for C1s, C2s, and Ds.
They're just not going to get satay.
Well, how about pig lolly? Or is that not patronising enough? The thing is, I don't let anyone new cross my threshold without seeing their identification.
I have to flash an ID card every time I come home for Christmas.
- Not a joke.
- Not a joke.
So, tell us about Michel.
Yes, I did promise, didn't I? Well, I'm just really glad we're all here, because there is something I would like to say to you all.
And it's not that.
It's sort of the opposite of that, really.
Ok, here are your mains.
Now, I know you said that you weren't hungry, but I felt so bad after that little spillage that I had a word with the kitchen and we made you this.
It's on the house.
It's our very special pasta di verdure.
- What's verdure? - It means green.
Enjoy.
Chicken lance? Beef rubble? Shit on a stick? You're not helping.
You're being a child, as ever.
Oh, sorry.
Ok Listen, can we talk? I mean, properly talk? Sarah? Sarah? - Come on, go with it.
- I'm going to get on with it.
I don't know what they put in that calzone, but my teeth suddenly feel very clean.
They're squeaky.
Look.
Where the hell has Ben got to? He'll be late, he's always late.
Does he use the bus? Because they've got these gangs, you know What are you waiting for? I 'm going to do it, I'm going to do it now, all right? They pick a victim.
They can tell they smell them out.
And it's usually a young male.
- Mum? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't think we're very good at expressing our feelings as a family, and I want to try.
- And I want to share something with you.
- Help! He bit right through my foot.
Help! Would you like me to pour a jug of cold water over you and cool you down? Why is nobody helping? You're here.
Do we know her? You did this, didn't you? This is your snake.
Don't say "snake", we're in a restaurant! What are you talking about? Did they say snake? Is there a snake? You know what I'm like with snakes, I just - Ever since that mini-break - Please don't start.
That was an earthworm! I don't care, I'm scared! Get me out of here! What are you doing on a chair? Take this prescription for anti-venom to A&E.
Go on, off you go.
Quickly, get me a jacket.
Not mine.
I don't want shedded lady skin on it.
Here we go.
Is there ever going to be a point in my life where you don't just turn up and save the day? That's what I'm here for.
Why haven't you called me? - I've been trying to get hold of you all day.
- I've been busy, haven't I? I'm so glad you're here! - Hello, darling.
- Hello, Mum.
We've already eaten.
We had rather an intriguing meal.
My gravy was slimy and your dad's tasted of pine.
I'm not sure teeth are meant to feel like this.
Hi, Jamie.
Hi, gorgeous.
How are you? You shouldn't really have come, you know, not with your knees.
I scraped them when I was four, Mum.
You need to get over that.
Come on, think of everything that Toria has told you.
It all comes down to this.
Just do it.
Get on with it.
My pudding's going to arrive in a minute, and once that happens, I'm lost in custard.
Is that Sister Sledge? I'm going back on the spiritual trampolining retreat I did This is getting ridiculous.
- Just say it.
- Right.
But you don't know what it's like.
I can actually taste my own heartbeat.
Have you ever tasted your own heartbeat? Well, it tastes like chicken.
It just expels - negative karma - I think you are brilliant.
Once you've done this, everything is going to be wonderful.
Eh, Justine? But listen, I've realised life is too short not to be real with the people you love, so I needed to come here and say, Mum, Dad I'm gay.
What a brave thing to do.
Lovely Ben, I'm so proud of you.
How was your day? I've been Well, at least we've got you to provide the grandchildren!