Henpocalypse! (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
We're going to repopulate the
world with Brummie babbies.
- The only people I
know with swollen norks
who are mad for the smell
of petrol are up the duff.
- Do you want me help you?
- Are you my guardian angel?
- I'm your inner geezer.
- Argh!
- Yes, Jen.
- My Gary's never let me down.
- We cannot tell Zara
what we did last night.
- Gary! It's my Gary!
- Zara!
- Oh, babe!
No! No! Gary!
- Don't let them take me!
- Gary!
Going to the chapel
And we're gonna get married
Gee, I really love you
And we're gonna get married
Going to the chapel of love. ♪
WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES
Hello.
Hello!
- How is Gary alive, Veens? How?
- He's got form. Remember
when he fell off that ferry
and rocked up in Bruges with
no memory how he got there?
- The virus was supposed to have killed all the men.
- Yeah.
Must be that zorb
protecting him.
Wonder what he's
eating and drinking.
Probably best not to think about that, actually.
- Objectively,
yes, it's good that he's alive,
but it's really not ideal for me.
- Knocked up by the only other
man to survive the apocalypse.
What are the chances?
- I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for that pesky zorb.
- You'll get away with it.
He hasn't come all this way to
tell Zara he boffed her bestie.
- No. No, he hasn't come
here to tell her that.
- COUGHING
- Got a sweat on, Bern?
- And some. That upholstery's sodden.
Zar still asleep?
- Haven't heard a peep.
How did you get her down, in the end?
- Oh. Stroked her hair,
read her an old Exchange & Mart.
Just like when she was a babba.
- Very soothing.
Anything good in there?
- There's a Ford Escort in Tipton.
It's a very good price.
- What's the bodywork like?
- Guys, get up here now!
- We're coming, princess!
WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES
OVER WALKIE-TALKIE: -
Rise and shine, ladies.
- You need to know
that I have got a very
particular set of skills
that I have acquired
over a very long career
on the Asda meat counter -
skills that make me
a terrible nightmare
for people like you.
Are you there?
- You need to press the button,
Mum. She can't hear you.
You better not have
touched my fiance!
- Fiance? Funny, he
didn't mention that.
- Keep your hands off
him, you slappers.
- We cleaned his
ball this morning.
Just us girls and some soapy
cloths, wiping him down.
Oh, he seemed to enjoy it.
- Don't you dare!
- Don't worry, Zar. Anything
pops through that ball,
then he's toast. It's
basically a chastity zorb.
- He was showing us his tattoos.
Oh, poor old Barney.
Such a good boy.
- You get Barney's name
out your filthy mouth.
- All right, let's cut the
crap. What do you want?
- A swap. Gary for Drew.
- Oh, yeah?
You want immuno boy?
- Bring him to Frampton House Hotel.
You'll need directions. Get a pen.
- I don't need a pen.
I'm packing Noogle.
We'll find you.
- Be here in one
hour. DON'T be late.
- Right, we'll give 'em Drew.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses, princess.
Drew is an extremely
valuable asset.
- So is Gary!
- Gary is nothing
without his zorb.
Think about it. Not much you
can do with a bubble boy.
- Yeah. And you'll have to put a
ramp in - you know, like my nana
with her wheelchair.
- Mm.
- Drew is our meal ticket.
- I don't care about
the spunk empire.
- Well, Operation Liquid Gold
is bigger than you, princess.
This is everyone's side hustle.
- Fine, then. We'll vote on it.
Gary or Drew.
Hands up for Gary.
- Veen?
- It's her hen do.
- Shelly.
- Don't.
Don't you dare. Don't.
- Shelly.
- Gary. I choose Gary.
- The people have spoken,
Mum. We're getting Gary back.
- Now, look here.
- No, Mum, you look here.
- Frigging democracy.
- Right, then. Get
ready to leave.
Dress code
..total war.
- Ah!
- SHE SINGS QUIETLY
- Got to keep your
strength up, Danny.
Morning, lover.
I made breakfast.
- Proper little Heston
Blumenthal, ain't ya?
- Yeah. I went foraging.
Thought you might be
hungry after last night.
So did I individuate?
- It sounded like it, didn't it?
- So is that what was happening
when I made that wet patch?
- Could have been.
Mind you, it was all a sweaty
blur by then, wasn't it?
- I climbed you like The Wall.
- You did!
- You were the landlord
of my Queen Vic.
- I was!
- We were
- Enough now.
You've got an important decision to make.
- Do I?
- I'll tell you about it
when we're on the mooch.
Shall we have another quick roll
about before my eggs get cold?
- I think that's all
I can manage for now.
What are the jars for, exactly?
- Just getting ahead to the
game so we can start selling
the second we hit Brum.
- Of course. Yeah.
Good thinking.
- We'll be leaving anon.
- I miss you already.
Oh, not now, Shelly, please.
- This is your lucky day.
- What are you doing?
- Setting you free!
- Why would you do that?
- I've got good reason, all right?
- Oh!
- There's a load of our jerky in there.
And water. That's been filtered
through Bern's 70 denier,
so give it a sniff first.
Go on! Out you go.
Fly free.
- I don't want to fly free.
I'm going to Birmingham.
- No, you're not! Come on.
- Stop it.
- Mate, I didn't want to tell you this,
but Bernadette just
sold you down the river.
- What are you on about?
- She's giving you away
to a gang of radicalised Pilates instructors.
- She'd never do that.
We're partners - in the business.
- Well, she has!
- Let's ask her, then. Bernadette!
- Shut up!
All right, fine. I'll leave.
- Fine by me.
- I mean, I'll leave
the cottage. Go forever.
- Also fine by me.
- All right.
Bye, then, Drew.
All the best going forward.
I, um
I hope you remember our
time together fondly.
Tell the others
not to look for me,
cos they won't find me.
- Will do.
Shelly!
Can you close the window?
There's a draught.
- Yeah.
- PHONE VIBRATES
VEENA: - All right, Shell?
Ah. Where did you find this?
- Nuneaton. It's the only
pink car I could find.
- Oh, she's a beaut.
- Christ, it was expensive.
Going to have to look
into egg donation.
- Shell! Babe! Sweet wheels!
- Only the best for you, Zar!
Ready to go?
- We're just doing a boudoir shoot for Gary
to show any Congleton slags
that try it on with him.
- We're just getting some mother
and daughter pics while we're at it.
- Do you want to come up for a group shot?
- Ah, no, I'm OK. Thank you.
Not really lingerie ready.
- Do you want me to sort you out?
I've got my wax kit right here.
I think so, anyway.
To be fair, it's 90% class As,
10% Maybelline.
- You don't need to
wax. Bush is back.
I'm rocking a full Ronald
McDonald down there.
- I think I'll just
wait in the car -
so we can leave the
second you're ready.
Check-in is at three.
- Right, let's crack on
with those full frontals.
Have you got any spray cream?
- There's spray cheese.
- Yeah. That'll do.
- What do you think
about Drewadette?
For the business?
- Bernadrew, love.
In this partnership,
the lady comes first.
- She does.
Bernadrew.
- Little matter to
discuss with you.
Strictly between us,
I've made a few withdrawals
from Operation Liquid Gold.
- Are the withdrawals
in the fridge, Bern?
- Put them in Bonne Maman
jars so it looks high-end.
- Mm. Classy.
- If anything happens to me,
I want you to look after it.
- What would happen
to you, Bern?
- Just promise me, Veena.
- Promise.
- My legacy to humankind, this.
- Oh, yeah. Einstein had
the theory of relativity,
you've got your jizz fridge.
- Ah.
- Right, this bitch came to slay.
What do you think?
- Like a furious Kardashian.
- Where's Shell?
Shelly!
- She's gone.
She said not to look for her
because you won't find her.
- Shelly!
Shell?
- Found her.
- Christ! Even Jen was better
at running away than that.
- Where are we
going, Danny Dyer?
- Come and have a look
at my bird bath, babe.
- It's the Airbnb.
Are the guys still there?
- They're heading out.
- Where are they going?
- Into a shitstorm.
- Then I've got to help them.
- Do you, though?
Cos there's a cosy little
cottage going begging.
We could move in, spruce
the gaff right up.
Little lick of paint.
Plant some turnips.
It could be our little
hideaway while the world burns.
Look. Could raise our
own little chavvies.
What do you reckon?
- Oh, Danny Dyer, I would be so happy.
What about the guys and the
shitstorm they're heading into?
- Remember what they did to you, Jen.
- They did lock me in the cellar.
- No two ways about
it, that's cold.
- And Zara told me to do myself in with a hammer.
- Horrible, end of.
- And I don't like spaghetti hoops.
- That's a bollocky point,
but it's still relevant.
How do you want to be, Jen?
- I'm sorry, Danny Dyer,
I've got to help them.
- That's my girl.
I'm so proud of you.
You're solid gold,
do you know that?
Come here.
- Maybe we could do the
cottage up when we get back.
- It doesn't work that way, baby.
You're on your own path now.
- What do you mean?
- I've got to go.
Everything I had to
give is inside you now.
Not just in a filthy way.
You don't need me any more.
- No! Danny Dyer,
I do need you. Don't leave. I
can't save the guys without you.
- Of course you can.
You've got your shit together.
Remember?
Now put the lips on
me before I melt away.
- Don't melt away!
- Never forget, Jen
..you will always be
my favourite slag.
- You'll always be my favourite
slag, too, Danny Dyer.
- ECHOING: My favourite slag.
You'll always be
my favourite slag.
VOICE FADES AWAY: You'll
always be my favourite slag.
CAR HORN TOOTS HENS CHEER
- All right, you slaaaags!
It's me, Jen!
All the single ladies!
- HENS: Woohoo!
- Hen party in the house!
- What's all this?
- Oh, I've overpacked again.
Classic Jen.
- Right, we're going to
Marie Kondo this shit.
Jesus Christ!
One pair, Jen.
Choose.
- Oh, God, um
- Quickly, Jen. The stags
are already at their hotel.
Can't let them get
more pissed than us.
- Well, it's got to be
my new boogie shoes.
Sex And The City, am I right?
- Right.
- Woo! Journey juice!
THEY CHEER
- Whoop, whoo!
- Yeah. Jen, come on.
- OK. Look out
..Blu Bwlch y Ffordd
Here we come!
- THEY CHEER
Shell!
Shell, what are you doing?
Don't make me run, babe.
Dressed for war, not walking.
- I'm not coming with you, Zar.
- Babe, WTF?
- I'm leaving. Don't
try and stop me.
My mind's made up.
- What?
What's going on?
- You don't need me any more.
I'm just going to
get in the way.
- Is this about me and
Gary being together?
You're worried me and
you will drift apart.
- Think it'll be more
than drifting apart, Zar.
- That's not going to happen.
You're my wingwoman.
Sure, Gary's my wingman, but,
babe, I've got two wings.
- I just want I
want it to all be OK.
You deserve a happy ending.
- And I'm going to get one.
But not without my best mate.
Don't worry about you and me.
Hmm? We can get
through anything.
Like when you booked this cottage
when I specifically said Lanzarote.
- Sorry, Zar. I'd reached the limit of my overdraft.
- And we got through it.
But, Shell, babe,
there's nothing you
could do I can't forgive.
- Guess we'll see,
then, won't we?
- Come on, let's go save my bae.
- Looks like they found you, then.
- Oh, shut up, Drew.
- Hey, you two, check this out.
Knocked up a tiny little flame thrower.
- Yeah!
- Penis colada pistol
full of butane gas.
Just a bit of extra firepower.
Right, tool up, ladies.
- Let's go get my fiance back.
MUSIC: Wake Me Up by Girls Aloud
THEY CHEER THROUGHOU
Dressed up and
put on my make-up
My best face just for you
I'm sad to hear that
you're still sugar
Now you know what I can do. ♪
Woo!
CHEERING
DANNY DYER: - They're heading
into a shitstorm, Jen.
You're solid gold, Jen.
- THUNDER RUMBLES
- I won't let you
down, Danny Dyer.
- Everything I had to
give is inside you now.
- I'm coming, guys, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
- Come on, then! Let's
see what you've got.
- CAR HORN TOOTS
HENS CHEER
Come on!
- Oh, yeah! Come on!
- THEY CHEER
CAR HORN TOOTS
- It's like a
frigging Ewok planet!
- Is that a kumquat?
- There's no shit pile.
How have they managed that?
- Stop there!
- We park where we want!
- Sake!
- Yeah!
- Unbelievable.
- Well, show me Gary.
Let me see proof of life.
- Weapons down first.
- Chill out, Changing Rooms.
What are you going to do -
tongue and groove us to death?
- She said put them down.
- Do it.
- Right, hands in the air.
- Now, back up.
- Towards the car!
- Oh. What's this - a
frigging line dance?
- Show me my fiance!
- Roll him out, Kel.
- Come on. Come on!
- Zar!
- Gary! Gary, are
you all right, babe?
- I'm fine, babe. I ate my
hoodie to keep me going.
- SOBS: - I loved that hoodie!
- Stay strong, babe.
- Yeah.
Zar, I need to
tell you something.
That's why I came.
- Not the time, Gary.
- Let him speak.
What is it, Gary?
PARTY CHATTER AND
MUSIC PHONE VIBRATES
Right, get in there!
- That's illegal!
- Woo!
- What is it, Gary? You better
not have butt-dialled me.
- Listen, Shell,
I had a really
informative wank earlier -
in the Congleton Ibis.
- I don't want to
hear about your wank.
- Your face kept coming into my
head. I tried to put Zara in there,
but you always kept coming back.
- Gary! - And
..I'm calling off
the wedding, Shell.
It's you. It's always been you.
The wank has spoken.
- Do not listen
to the wank, Gary.
- Too late! I'm coming down
there and I'm telling Zara
everything.
- No. No, you can't do that.
You'll break her heart.
- Er, too late.
I've booked an Uber
for after zorbing.
And once you book an Uber,
Shell, you can't unbook it.
- You can. You can. You just,
you go into the drive info bar
at the bottom of the screen and
- Ah, see you later, Shell.
Shell
..we're going to be
together. Whatever it takes.
I love you, dog.
- Gary.
Gary! Don't come here.
- What the shitting hell is going on?
- Zar? Nothing.
Nothing's going on.
- Get in here. The whole
world's gone tits up.
- Um, on your birthday
- Gary, seriously, not now.
- AIR HORN BLARES
- Bring us the man!
- Do it, Mum.
- Fine. You can have him.
- SHE MOUTHS
- Where are we?
Who's that?
- Hello, mate!
Gary Whatmuff!
- A man? He's alive! - Yes.
- He's just a bubble boy.
He's not special, like you.
- What is all this?
- A little change of plan, love.
You're going to live with them now.
- What? No.
Who even are they?
- ALL: We're Pilates instructors.
- But I don't want
to live with them.
I want to live with you. You know.
We're partners in the business.
- I'm dissolving the company. I'm going solo.
- No, you can't.
I'm the product,
OK? You need me.
Oh, God. the jars. The jars!
- Yeah.
I liquidised my
share of the assets.
That's business, love. Alan
Sugar would have done the same.
- But what about us?
Me and you.
- A word of advice, bab.
Never fall for a woman
from the Dognall estate.
It'll always end in tears.
- I told you.
- You broke my
heart, Bernadette!
You broke my heart.
- Now give us Gary.
- Yeah, about that.
We had a little rethink,
didn't we, Chlo?
- We can't allow you to
treat men like that -
keeping them in cages.
- Yeah, but I'm happy in my cage.
- So we've decided we're
going to keep them both.
- Oh. Hostile takeover of
the splurge concern, eh?
Clever girl.
- Get bent! You're not milking my Gary!
- It's impossible, Zar.
They'd have to rig up a valve.
Actually, it might work
- I'm taking my Gary back.
- One shot and he'll be dead in ten seconds.
- It's OK.
Don't risk it, Zar! I'll
make the best of it.
Hey, mate, me and you and
these chicks. Eh, mate?
- I don't want these
chicks. I want Bernadette!
- Can you just shut him up?
- Sh!
- Well, listen up. Two can play having
something up their fanny, Nezzy.
- Oh.
- If you kill Gary
..I'll kill Drew.
- My masterpiece, that
- the ultimate lady gun.
- What have I done to you?
- It's nothing personal.
I've just been planning this
wedding for a really long time.
- Zar
- Quiet, Mum!
- Fine, fine. Let's talk.
- JEN: - Argh!
Leave my hens alone,
you slags!
- ALL: Jen!
- What?
- I'm back guys! Have it!
- Ah!
- I don't care
I love it
I don't care ♪
How are you still alive?!
- I've got Danny Dyer inside me!
- Pilates this!
- It's not nice to Taser people!
- No! I'm not an animal!
- I crashed my
car into the bridge
I don't care ♪
- I'll break your
coccyx, next time!
- Bernadette, take me back.
- The cavalry's arrived, Jen!
- Come on! Have it!
- No-one's getting to my Gary!
- AIR HORN BLARES
- Gary, I've got you,
babe! I've got you!
- NESBIT: - Punch it!
- It's not that easy,
driving a hire car, is it?!
- HENS LAUGH AND CHEER
I love it. ♪
- Yeah!
- Up your bums!
Nicely handled.
- Mum.
Nezzy shot you.
- Right through the tit.
Agh!
- DREW: - No! Bernadette!
- Veens.
My legacy
- I'll crank that fridge,
Bern, I promise you.
- Oh. - Mum!
- Don't die!
- I've failed you, Danny Dyer.
- Bern!
I love you.
- Course you do, love.
- Bernadette.
- Mum!
SOBS: Mum!
JEN WAILS
- Bern?
- SOBS: - Bern?
No.
- AIR HISSES
- Well, that's me fucked.
- What have I done?
- Fucked up.
- Oh, mate.
Ten
- Jen, stop killing
everyone I love!
- ..nine
- SOBS: - I'm such a wazzock.
- I love you, Gary.
- ..eight
- Shell noshed me off
and I'm in love with her.
- What the fuck?
- ..seven
..six
- I love you, too, Gary!
- ..five
- What the fuck?!
- Zar.
Zar.
- ..four
- You you said there was nothing
you couldn't forgive, remember?
- ..three
- I wanted Lanzarote, Shell.
- ..two
- I wanted Lanzarote.
- ..one.
- BANG