I Love LA (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Ten-minute warning. Picture's up in ten.
Oh. Okay, "picture's up in ten."
- No, literally, picture's up in ten.
- "Picture's up in ten."
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
Can I check your lav real quick?
- Mm, oh, you wanna check my lav?
- Yeah, yeah. It's right here
- on the sweater, right there.
- Okay, yeah.
And for this take,
don't actually eat the Ritz.
Just, like, hold them.
- Oh, sorry, I ate them last time.
- Yeah.
- Okay, yeah, don't do that.
- That was stupid.
We can hear it on the mic.
- That's my set crush.
- Oh, my God.
- He's obsessed.
- Obsessed!
- That was crazy.
- That was crazy.
"Don't eat the cracker."
Okay, you wanna eat my cracker, bitch.
- Oh, my God.
- Did you see how he put
- the lav on, he's like…
- No, he could put that
- literally anywhere.
- He's, like, going under here.
- I know, it's insane.
- Oh, it's Tessa!
Hi!
No, I'm totally free.
Look how cool. Look at this.
Hey, girl.
Hi!
How are you? How is Ritz feeling?
We are so happy.
- Is she having fun?
- Yes.
- She is having so much fun.
- Mm!
Is she checking in on the ol' boyfriend?
Her girlfriend, yeah, it's so sweet.
Oh! Tallulah's gay?
Yeah, I mean, she's,
like, dated men before.
- Now, she's dating a woman, but…
- Of course.
Queer. And she's out?
Yeah, I mean, I feel like people
don't really come out anymore,
but people know.
That is amazing. So great to hear.
Don't worry. We love that she's a lesbian.
Corporate's gonna flip.
Well, I love corporate,
and I love lesbians.
Wish I was one.
And then corporate would gag for me.
Ritz. We're easy.
Do you like it? I can't tell.
- Mm, I love it.
- Yeah?
Yeah, making crackers cool.
- Okay.
- I told you, Mai.
Ritz is a blue-chip brand.
This totally elevates Tallulah, right?
Yeah, it's… yeah.
Oh! Isn't glam fun?
Yes. So fun.
Do you think I look like Nancy Pelosi?
Well, only in that you both are bosses.
- Okay.
- Okay, ladies,
I think Keith is about
ready to shoot this.
Oh, hi, Sarah.
This is Maia.
- Hi. Oh.
- Maia.
I was thinking that she could be
seated next to me.
Or a little behind me, but close.
She is a really big part
of the future of this company
and helping us build our amazing roster.
Doesn't it feel so good
to see so many strong female faces?
Would you say that
the culture here at Alyssa180
is a response to your experience at IME?
That was so long ago.
Oh, but your boss did resign, yes?
Yes, and I want to just focus on the…
not focus on the past
and focus on the future.
Which is continuing to foster community
built on a foundation of values of the…
the values of these women.
I just also wanna say, like,
when I was in college,
all the jobs in management and branding
were total boys clubs.
And it's just so refreshing
to put that behind us
and put Alyssa in front of me.
A total 180.
- Total 180.
- Yeah.
I love it. Okay, alright.
Wow. That really got her going.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry, a messenger just brought this.
It's urgent, I guess.
Actually, it's for Maia.
Oh.
And the messenger wants an answer,
which is, like, fancy.
Yes. Yeah. I… sorry.
I will be there.
- Got it.
- Dylan wants to take me to lunch.
- He's so old-fashioned.
- Oh, well, I hope he cooks you
one of his famous steaks.
Inside joke.
That's why I didn't get it.
Let's, like, try to get an aisle seat,
in case it's boring.
- How are you feeling?
- I'm fine.
- This is really sad.
- Yeah, I'm like, yeah.
I don't know,
it's obviously, like, tragic,
but I feel like you just, like,
get numb to this stuff in LA.
It's like, people be dying here every day.
Not every day.
I'm so sorry, we're full.
We're sending people across the street.
Maybe wanna just check
the list really quick
before you make any judgments like that?
- Charlie Cohen?
- Again, I'm really sorry
for your loss, but a Landry fan
organized a meet-up
for kids to grieve, and now there's a…
a fire code violation.
Please back up. It's a funeral.
- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God, wow.
- What kind of establishment
are you running? Are you good with God?
Like, you know what?
Guys, let's go to the overflow.
This is disgusting.
I can't believe they put us
in the second overflow area.
It's very insulting.
It's like, I was on the jerk-off thread.
Like, who among us
was on the jerk-off thread?
Charlie.
Hey.
Andrew. Hello.
It's been a minute.
It's such a tragedy.
Did you know Lukas personally?
I was his stylist, so yeah,
I worked with him very intimately.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I guess I'm out of the loop.
- Yeah.
- How did you know him?
- I didn't.
But, Richie, Richie did.
Oh, sideburns.
Nice.
Hi, Alani.
- How are you?
- I'm good.
It's so good to see you.
- You look incredible.
- I love this dress.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Tallulah.
You're Tallulah.
Cool time to chat. What's up?
I'm…
I'm moving to New York next week for work.
Nice.
- I love New York.
- Me too.
- Great city.
- It is.
- Be a new adventure.
- Yeah.
Yeah, enjoy it.
Okay, well, it was really nice
running into you, Charlie.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
It was so good to see you, Andrew.
- You too.
- Bye.
That's Andrew? He's hot.
What a fucking asshole.
It's like, don't come
and, like, hug my friends.
I'm trying to funeral here.
He's a fucking sociopath.
I thought you guys drifted apart.
Were you super serious?
We were super un-serious
for a very long amount of time.
It's like, if he needed me
to be his boyfriend,
- he should have just said that.
- Right.
Like, he broke the rules.
Yeah, I mean,
you have the right of first refusal.
Can't believe I have a fucking sex tape
with that asshole.
- Fun!
- Rewind.
One of my best, honestly.
But can you promise me one thing?
When I die, go to my apartment,
burn it to the ground
so no one ever sees that tape.
- Okay, the whole, the whole…
- The whole apartment.
- You rent.
- All four units.
- I get it. I get it.
- Like, whoever's in there, whatevs.
- I get it.
- We gather today…
Okay, let's focus on the positive.
Like, let's just watch the funeral.
But also in love.
Love for Lukas,
whose life touched us all.
Oh, God. We got a boring priest.
I'm good to bounce whenever.
You know, I'm not gonna lie,
I was a little worried
that my old intern
was too cool for me now.
- No.
- You're different.
- More makeup.
- Is it too much?
- No.
- It was for, like, a photoshoot we did.
A photoshoot for Alyssa180.
And I was in it.
Would you like another bottle?
Yeah, yeah, we'll do another. Thank you.
My pleasure.
So, I thought it would be
good for us, you know,
to catch up, you know,
in case we run into each other
- in New York next month.
- In New York?
Yeah, Tallulah's a fashion girl now.
Or at least that's what
I thought you were trying to do.
So, I figured you'd find a way
to get her to the Formé dinner.
Yeah, I mean, that's the goal long-term.
I mean, she's not, like,
officially working
with any brands right now, you know,
but she is flirting with them.
It's more of a flirtation.
Is Alyssa afraid of you yet?
No. I mean, she…
- she really respects me.
- Uh-huh.
You know, and she's given me,
like, an amazing platform.
Aw. Like Ritz crackers.
Ritz crackers is an elegant,
old-money snacking cracker.
Right, right. Listen…
Alyssa. How do I say this?
She's not like us.
- You know?
- Yeah.
She's afraid for people to get hurt.
Like, "Oh, no, I tripped
and fell down the stairs
because my old boss grabbed my ass."
Grow the fuck up.
- Wait, did that happen?
- I mean, if it did,
it's exactly what she
needed to wake her up
and force her to move on,
go forward with her life,
do her own thing.
And to get what you want, sometimes…
I mean, sometimes people need to get hurt.
Yeah. I mean, it doesn't always
have to be like that, but…
There are two types of people, Maia.
Those who step into the hurricane,
and those who run the other way.
Which are you?
I totally wanna be in the hurricane.
I just don't wanna, like, get wet.
- Right.
- But I wanna…
but I know I'm, like,
in it for sure, and I…
Miss, may I refill your glass?
Oh, thank you.
This wine is, like, so good.
And for you, sir?
- Thank you so much.
- No, I'm good. Thanks.
Enjoy.
God, it really is just such a shame
you won't be in New York.
Sorry, their fries are really salty.
Yeah. I really miss New York.
It misses you.
Dyl?
Yeah, I just, like,
got off from work early,
and I was thinking that
you could fuck my fa…
Oh. Oh, game night!
Yeah! No, that's perfect.
Then, I can finally go.
Churches need better sound systems.
I feel like temples
have the speaker situation,
- like, locked down.
- Yeah.
Andrew was, like, insane, right?
It's like, come up to me at a funeral?
It's like that's crazy behavior, right?
Honestly, don't go up to anybody anywhere.
Like, just text. It's crazy.
I see you, lesbian.
- Lesbians love crackers!
- Thank you.
- What?
- Did she say lesbians love crackers?
Do they?
Maybe my Ritz commercial is playing.
I thought you were only in,
like, two seconds of it.
Maybe I'm really memorable
in those two seconds.
Do I look really gay right now?
- She just called me a lesbian.
- You have a lot of buckles.
You jangle. You're like a ghost in a play.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God!
Tallulah! Tallulah, that's you.
- Oh, my God!
- Well, it's certainly big.
I get why "proud" is italicized,
but why is "spread"?
I think it's like,
to spread something onto a cracker.
- Oh, my God.
- To spread.
I'm gonna kill Maia.
Why would she not ask me first?
- I think she did, babe.
- No, she didn't.
Okay, I'll show it to you.
Okay, "Tallulah,
respond to our text thread."
- Oh, my God.
- "Are you good to have the Ritz mural?
Need to confirm now."
Then, you sent a picture
of SpongeBob and said, "Yes, bitch,"
- dollar sign, dollar sign, dollar sign.
- No. No.
This is humiliating!
- I'm gonna move to Boulder.
- No.
I don't think it's that bad.
- This is so bad.
- I like how it's, like, painted
over concrete, so it gives,
like, texture for the cracker.
I don't want my face to give texture!
- Oh, my God. I have to go.
- Wait, Lula!
- No!
- Lula!
It's not that bad.
Be proud!
Oof, this is humiliating.
- Here, let me take that.
- Thank you.
It's like, I miss when people
were just, like, openly homophobic,
'cause like, what is this shit?
I'm feeling kind of homophobic today.
- Towards Andrews.
- Oh, please.
If you hate him, then why
do you still have that sex tape?
I keep everything.
If I threw away anything
related to trauma in my life,
I'd live in an empty apartment.
Charlie, no.
You need to destroy that tape.
I know you said that we should just,
like, burn everything
when you, like, drown in
the fountain at the Americana,
but I don't think
we should wait that long.
Yeah, you're right.
Wait, what? Did your psychic say
I was gonna drown at the Americana?
I'm not supposed to say.
I've got to establish myself
in the Stonelands.
- Oh.
- Stonelands.
- Interesting.
- Okay, I mean,
not a lot of resources,
but great defensive position,
so I get that. Mm-hmm.
- Baby. Hey.
- Dyl!
Hey. Babe.
Oh. Okay.
- I miss you so much.
- Yeah, I missed you, too.
Hey, guys, this is Maia.
- Hi. I'm Maia.
- Hi.
- Wow, the famous Maia.
- Oh.
Yeah, this is Roberta and her husband Joe.
She teaches fifth grade in
the classroom right next to me.
And this is Jay Berthume,
but we just call him Berthume.
- Berthume, hi.
- Nickname, and…
It's so nice to finally meet you.
- I'm Clare.
- Oh, my God!
- Hi.
- Clare.
Dylan talks about you all the time.
I always imagined you as older.
- Oh!
- But you're young like me.
Yeah. It's so great that you made it.
We all know how busy you are, so.
Yeah, I'm so jealous
you guys get to hang out
with my Dylan all day.
- He's an incredible man.
- Agree.
Hey, baby, come sit down, 'cause we…
we just drew resource cards,
but you can come in
- on the next respond.
- Whoa.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- It's a big game.
- I was gonna…
- I was grabbing you a chair.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, baby.
I mean, at this point, you probably know
most of the rules anyways,
because I never stop talking
- about Seven Magic Kingdoms. So…
- I know.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- 100%.
- Alright.
- Oh!
What?
- I got the pot roast card.
- No!
- Yeah.
- This is classic Roberta.
I mean, she is the absolute
beast of the feast.
She does this every fucking game.
- Whoa.
- Joe, by the way,
you are in Levantha's Kingdom currently,
so you have two options.
You can either level up
or you can hire reinforcements.
- I'll hire.
- You're gonna hire?
You're in Bramble currently,
so that's gonna be 17 units.
Yeah, but that's only if
he gets enough votes.
- Okay, Chancellor.
- I'm sorry.
Because I got the pot roast card,
- no, I'm gonna…
- Alright, what… I don't know.
- What do you guys think?
- One vote.
- One.
- You want one?
- Yeah.
- I'll go two, I'll go two.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go three.
Yes!
You're too nice.
- I wanna keep Joe. I wanna keep him.
- You're helping him? Alright.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, Clare.
Dyl?
- Hm?
- I have to pee.
- Okay.
- Will you come
to the bathroom with me?
I forgot how to wipe.
You can do this, you have the time!
No, you can get back in.
All you have to do is give me votes.
Maia, you got…
Oh, my God.
Babe.
Oh, I want you to fuck the shit out of me.
Maia, Maia, they're all, like,
ten feet away right now.
- Like you don't…
- Yeah, you don't even care.
You just wanna use me
like your little doll.
Just chill, Maia, just chill, please.
What if I just suck
your dick really quick?
- No. Wait.
- I'll be so quiet.
Maia, you can't… please.
Maia, Maia, Clare's right there.
Like, everyone's in this house,
like don't do…
- Clare?
- Mm…
Chancellor Clare?
Well, if she's so important to you,
I should get to know her.
- Excuse me.
- Maia.
- Your pants are undone.
- Maia. Maia.
Hoo-hoo.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Where you been?
Jean texted me.
I forgot my notebook, but then Jazz
and Lisa were there,
so we ended up swimming.
No, totally.
Sounds like you're friends
with a lot of lesbians.
A lot of fun group chats, I bet.
You know, everybody talking
about the stupid little baby gay
who just loves crackers!
That's what everyone's talking about.
I'm so confused right now.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, so that's plastered
on Hyperion right now.
- It's not funny.
- No, it's not funny.
- It's cute, you look cute.
- This is really bad.
No, you don't come back from this!
This is gonna haunt me
for the rest of my life.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- Sit down.
- Why?
Sit down, come on.
Can't believe I'm showing you this.
And now, Chef Cardin is here
to help us make
a Hamilton themed Sunday brunch.
- What?
- What do you got for us today?
- Shh, just…
- Feeding a crowd is tough
but how does a sausage biscuit,
side of some ham…
- Oh.
- …and a pancake
dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
inside my skillet for a party…
- Jesus Christ.
- …of a dozen folks or smaller.
Add up the costs, you less than $30.
I love Hamilton.
They only paid me $5,000 for that.
Did you write that?
My name is Chef Teresa Cardin.
- Your name is Chef Teresa Cardin?
- Okay.
- Teresa.
- Ritzy.
But just you wait.
Listen, people who talk shit about you,
just want your money.
You do that shit,
you pay your rent, you move on.
I think…
I think I would feel better
if I saw it again.
- Get the fuck outta here.
- If I gotta see it again.
No.
I will never forget that.
I bet you wish you were in the room
where it happened.
What?
"In the room where it happened."
From Hamilton?
What's Hamilton?
- Okay. You got this.
- Hi.
Hi, welcome in.
- Great store.
- Thank you.
Okay, so basically,
I have these two unlabeled tapes.
One is from a private karaoke party
at Kylie Minogue's house, which I was at.
And the other is something else.
And I need to know which one is which.
Let me just go ahead and see
if I have the cables for this.
- So nice.
- Oh my…
- Charlie.
- What?
The Detroit Florida premiere.
- Oh, my God.
- This was like our first friend hang.
That was literally the worst time
in my entire life.
Do you remember, I was only styling,
like, older female studio execs?
So many capes.
No cables, so the only way
to pull the footage off this
would be for me to digitize it by hand,
and then we can send you
a link through the cloud.
Or, I have a little workstation back there
where you could check out the footage.
- It's private?
- Oh, definitely.
We get a bunch of people coming in here
to watch old sex tapes.
- Oh yeah, it's… no, that's…
- That's really…
That's not our vibe.
No, we're not here to watch sex tapes.
I'm just making sure it's a sex tape
and that I'm gonna burn it
because of trauma.
- Alright, which one?
- Oof.
- Yeah.
- That one.
- Okay, think so.
- Alright.
Looks retro.
Alright.
What are you doing?
What's up, what are we doing today?
Oh. Like, Kylie Minogue
has a TV on her floor?
No, bitch,
that's my first apartment in WeHo.
Then, this is the tape. Let's just…
No, wait, wait. Sorry, sorry.
- You're making a sex tape?
- With my friend.
Do you mind if we just
watch this for a second?
And then we'll burn it right after.
Totally.
I mean, look at… oh, my God.
It's like we're fucking babies there.
You guys look gorgeous.
We had fun.
- I must have been like Lukas' age here.
- No.
- What do you want me doing?
- Actually, yeah, turn around.
- What do you want me to do?
- Put your hands right here.
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- Like this.
Do you think I can actually
just have like a second?
- Oh, my God, say less.
- By myself? Thank you.
I'll watch the accordion door. I love you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh yeah.
No, what I'm saying is that basically
repairing your armor,
that was your strategic action.
Are we not in status phase?
- No, no, we're not in status phase.
- No.
We're playing with the expansion,
and the expansion means that it changes
the order of the phasing a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.
- So, Clare.
What subject do you teach?
Oh, I teach fourth grade,
- so I teach all the subjects.
- Aw!
Do your students love you?
I remember, when I was in school,
we always loved
the pretty young teacher…
- Oh.
- …'cause we were like,
"You're just like us."
I mean, Dylan's students love him.
He's probably the most
popular teacher at school.
Aww. Mr. Popular!
- Yep. Yeah.
- I bet you guys
all fight over him.
You're like, "Dylan,
come have lunch with me
- in my classroom."
- Yeah.
Is that you?
No, I usually just eat in my car
and look at my phone.
- So sad.
- Yeah.
Hey, Maia, why don't you
play this next round with us?
- Yeah, do you wanna play?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, Clare and I wanna play a fun game.
Oh, I like Seven Magic Kingdoms.
Oh, my God!
Do you know what we should play?
- What?
- We're Not Really Strangers.
- Maia, no.
- What's that?
Yes! Have you guys never played that?
- No.
- You've never played that?
- No.
- You guys!
You have to play. It's so fun.
You ask all these fun questions,
like, who here would you pick
to help you cover up a murder?
Oh. You.
Me?
- Whoa.
- You're tough.
Or, who here is the worst driver?
- Oh.
- Guilty!
Guilty!
Okay, okay, I'm gonna go first.
Mm…
- Clare!
- Yes.
Who in this room do you most wanna fuck?
Maia. Maia, don't… that's…
there's six of us, okay?
That's really awkward.
- Yeah.
- You know, don't…
No, I already know.
Okay, well, it's Clare's turn.
You can go next.
- Okay.
- Clare, who are you
having sex with in this room?
You can pick anyone.
- Hey, no, don't…
- Any of us. You can pick him.
- Maia, don't… Maia.
- You can pick Robert.
- I'm Roberta.
- No one. I… no one.
- Maia. Maia.
- If there was like a gun in your mouth,
and you had to pick one
of the people here…
I'd rather just play Seven Magic Kingdoms.
…to fuck.
- Maia, Maia, Maia.
- Gun in your mouth, who do you fuck?
- Maia. Maia.
- Don't be a loser. What?
We're like halfway through
this game right now.
We're gonna finish this game, okay?
Oh, no. Sir Dylan
has locked his wench away in the tower.
I'm in trouble.
I'm gonna get a seltzer.
- Holy shit.
- Hey.
Hi.
- I'm not mad.
- Oh, okay.
- Just so you know.
- Okay.
About what?
About you and Dylan.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't, I really don't.
- You do.
- Hey, are we good here?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
"I don't know."
Maia, what the fuck? Enough.
What are you gonna do?
Punish me?
Oh, my God, you're no fun.
Ugh.
I'm getting more wine.
Yeah.
- What if we get caught?
- "We"?
I don't know you.
- I'll get you a good lawyer though.
- Bitch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, okay. Okay.
- I'm psyched!
- I'm doing it.
Ready?
One…
Two, three!
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- That is crazy.
Happy?
Maia's gonna be so pissed.
So what? You feel good, right?
- I mean, yeah.
- Yeah.
That felt amazing.
Oh…
Go, go, come on!
- Be careful.
- Is that an undercover cop?
- Oh, my God.
- Come on. Shit.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna pee my pants.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna pee my pants.
Oh, my God.
Mm.
Right, well, we can just
play again next week.
- We'll get a full game in, and…
- Yeah, that sounds good.
But yeah, but thanks.
Thanks for coming by, guys.
Okay. Nice to meet you, Maia.
Wait, where is everybody going?
I just changed.
Yeah, I think it made sense
to wrap it up, so.
Yeah, I actually just got
a notification from Citizen.
There was an anti-gay hate crime
- in Silverlake?
- Oh, my God.
- No way.
- We're gonna have to talk to the kids.
They walk right past there, we have to.
Don't let the porch pirates get this.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- See ya, buddy.
- Bye, nice to meet you guys.
Bye. Bye, thanks, Dylan.
Yep.
Oh. Oh, hey, you know what?
Next time, let's do this at my place.
- I got a new patio, just got it done.
- You got a new patio?
- A new patio, man.
- That's… okay, cool.
- So, we can break it in.
- Yeah.
We can absolutely break in your patio.
- Some wine. Insect repellent.
- It's gonna be great.
- And get the whole thing going.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
- Patio time.
- Patio time.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Maia, what the fuck was that?
- What?
- "What?"
All that shit you were saying about Clare,
that was extremely rude and also not true.
Like, what the fuck are you doing?
Dylan, it's fine, okay?
I'm not even mad.
But you can just admit
that you wanna fuck her.
- I do not want to fuck her.
- You don't wanna fuck her?
- Okay? I do not wanna fuck her.
- Chancellor Clare?
You don't wanna fuck Chancellor Clare?
Maia, I do not wanna fuck Clare.
It's okay, you can just say
you find her attractive.
- Maia, stop it. Maia.
- Do you think she's attractive?
You're not saying no.
- You find her attractive.
- Maia, stop…
- Maia! Stop it!
- You do, I knew it.
Why the fuck are you doing this right now?
It's like you're just
trying to make me angry.
Yeah. You're hot when you're mad.
Go to the fucking bedroom.
Oh, my God, fuck!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna cum. Oh, my God.
You like that, huh?
You're gonna get yourself
to New York, aren't you?
Good girl.
Oh, fuck!
That was so good, baby.
I have to text Tallulah.