Love Bites (2010) s01e06 Episode Script

Now the reason we're here is to love each other take care of each other when love walks in the room everybody stand up ooh, it's good, good, good say, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you I love you talk to me, darling, talk to me, darling You know the only downside of moving in together? Duplicate cds.
How do we both have Cher's Believe? Um, I won mine in a contest.
It says, "to Jeff, keep believin'.
" Okay, look.
Cher has gotten me through some very tough times.
What do you want me to say? - You're adorable.
- I do believe.
[Laughing.]
- This is interesting.
- Hmm? Well, I'm looking at our cable bill.
And about three weeks ago, someone ordered themselves a little adult entertainment.
For $7.
99.
And I happen to know that that someone wasn't me.
Oh! That's so funny.
Oh, my God.
I forgot about that.
Hey! I never figured you for a smut-monger.
I don't know what that is.
Said the smut-monger.
Stop it.
It was that one week that you were in San Diego.
I went out for drinks with my girlfriends.
And when I got home I was kind of in the mood, I guess.
You were in the mood.
For Hawaii five blows.
Ew, stop it.
It's not the graphic sex.
It's--I like the uniforms.
Why don't you just watch an episode of rescue me? Okay, it's connected to the sex.
Wow.
I can't believe I didn't know this about you.
You have a fetish.
I don't.
Have one of those.
It's just a thing.
I like a man in uniform.
It's sexy, who cares.
Uniform fetish.
You think you know somebody-- you don't.
So tell me, sweetheart.
What was the dirty, dirty, I'm assuming fairly linear plot of this film? I don't want to talk about it.
Did somebody say, "you have the right to remain sexy?" Jeff, stop.
[Laughing.]
Let me guess, let me guess.
Spread 'em.
I'm going to bed.
Did they say, "spread 'em?" Going to bed.
- Who was in it? - Stop! Miranda rights? Come on, that's funny! Miranda rights is funny.
- Hello.
- Hey, Brian.
Hey, I'm glad you called.
Listen, dad's birthday is next week.
So if you want to go halfsies on a gift, just let me know.
Oh, which means I get to pick it out, mail it, and do all the work? Yeah, so let me know.
So what's up? I'm gonna go get maddy at school.
Okay, I know you don't like to talk about the ex-wife.
But, um, did she have any, like, fetishes? What? Heather? No, why? Did you see her do something kinky on the Internet? Because there's something really dark going on with her.
What kind of woman just leaves her family like that? Okay, no.
No.
God, no.
No, I'm not talking about her.
I'm talking about my friend.
Um, Alexis? She told her boyfriend about something sexual she's into.
And now she feels stupid and embarrassed and wishes she hadn't told him.
Really? Alexis, huh? You know what? I knew she was a freak.
So what is she into? Whips, or bondage? Or ice-cubing? Or raisin play? No.
No, no, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
It's cute.
This cute little uniform fetish.
It's more of a turn-on, really.
Yeah, on the surface that's cute.
But fetishes, they gotta come from something.
I mean, why does she sexualize a uniform? Was her dad a cop? Did he not love her? Does she want to be dominated? I don't know.
She did not have a healthy upbringing, clearly.
I hear these things are a perfectly natural outlet.
Yeah.
Or, you know, it could be some kind of gateway fetish.
Like, one day it's uniforms, the next she's wearing a mask and she's having sex with a whole bunch of strangers in some fancy mansion.
Why do you know so much about this stuff? Because I just watched eyes wide shon starz.
It's a channel for lonely men whose wives have dumped them.
Anyway, um-- hey, about dad.
Get him something nice.
Let him know how much I love him.
- Bye.
- See you.
[Sighs.]
Should I be reading between the lines here, Eli? I mean, she wants a man in uniform.
What does that mean? Huh? You think she wants a manlier man? So we'll stay away from male nurse and eagle scout.
Am I playing it too safe? 'Cause I'll do fun stuff.
I'll draw a bath out of nowhere.
And she'll come home and I'll just be in it, waiting.
Buoy style.
Come get clean.
Don't overthink this, all right? It's simple.
When the lights go out, you gotta bring the caruso.
Right, right, right.
I've just been getting off track.
Maybe bridget just likes a dude in uniform, all right? Which is why you should go with cop.
- It's a baby dress.
- Okay.
When you're in a world you know nothing about, just give the lady what she asked for.
I think you're right.
I think this is it, isn't it? Yeah.
Hey, or maybe you should get a gun.
With one bullet, just for suspense.
I think that's probably crossing the line.
- You think? - [Quietly.]
Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Open up in there! It's the police! Rraah! Whoa! You said open up.
You had to know I'd be standing here.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Did that hit you in the knee, or the-- - no, I'm okay.
It's okay.
Okay, hey.
Look, you look good.
This is good.
Let's keep going.
Okay.
[Clears throat.]
Is everything all right in here, ma'am? Dispatch just called in a four-five-six- seven-niner-niner.
In progress.
Uh-oh.
What is that? That's an ultra-fox in need of a boning.
You sure that you're up for thisOfficer-- - McCaffrey! I'm always up for it.
Allow me to apologize for the tightness of my uniform.
You see, my partner Jimmy was recently killed in the line of duty.
I've been emotionally eating.
Jeff, what are you doing? I'm giving you, like, the whole backstory.
Jimmy left behind a widow.
And little Jimmy Jr.
Was in a tiny wheelchair.
Okay, stop.
Just have sex with me.
- Get on the ground! - Yes! - Do it now! - Okay.
Unfortunately, the cage at the station is empty, so I don't have a gun.
What I do have Is this.
Whoa.
What is that? [Laughing.]
I'll need to dust your vagina for prints.
Okay, enough.
We're not doing this.
No! Don't, don't-- let me try again.
No, Jeff.
It's not working.
You're laughing and I feel stupid now.
You feel stupid? I'm wearing my dead partner's holster.
I knew that you thought this was ridiculous.
You can just forget it, okay? And can we please never talk about this again.
Bridget, don't.
It's not weird.
I don't think it's-- everybody has a thing.
You don't.
Yes, I do.
Of course I do.
Well, what is it? Trust me, you don't-- you don't even want to know.
Please tell me.
All right.
I have a foot fetish.
You do? Yeah, totally.
So you see? It's not weird at all.
He likes feet.
My boyfriend likes feet.
That's totally bizarre.
No.
No, it isn't.
I'm doing some research.
Check it.
It's called a dirty loafer.
It's a subset of podophilia.
Oh, God.
You don't want to type that into the search engine wrong.
Ooh, care to see some videos of women stepping in the mud then hitting the accelerator of a car? I don't think Jeff's into that.
But then again, who knows? Secret life.
It's how every episode of dateline begins.
So I lied to bridget.
I should have said porn.
Why didn't I just say porn? I could have said porn.
Or a surprise handy in a movie theater.
So wait, what exactly does a foot fetishist do? I have no idea.
Oh, God.
Is he gonna lick my feet? Ooh, or rub his mister up against them? Ew, if he sucks on my toes and then kisses me, I'm gonna be totally icked out.
That's like putting my foot in my mouth.
Oh.
[Gasps.]
Toe-sucking is called "shrimping.
" Shrimping, I love that.
Because toes look like shrimp.
Enough.
This is everything that's wrong with the Internet.
Now I know what "shrimping" means.
But I will let Jeff peel and eat my feet.
Because I love him.
And I want him to be happy.
I've chosen my fate.
I have to go through with this now.
Why? Why do I have to? Because you're a lousy cop.
And you love her.
Because I love her.
And thus, I love her feet.
I'll do it.
[Funky music.]
Oh, look at those feet.
I just want to taste those arches.
You can-- you can go right ahead.
You can do that.
Oh, I will.
[Sniffing.]
Oh, God.
They smell so Feety.
Hey, would it help you if I stepped in something? 'Cause I made a quick pudding.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
This is good.
What's this? Oh! [Laughing.]
No, wait.
No, that tickles.
That tickles.
Stop, stop.
You know what that is? That's foreplay.
Oh, that's weird.
What? Well, your little pinky toe doesn't actually have a nail.
Oh! Yeah, well, I run a lot.
But I paint the skin where the nail should be, so-- - what about the other one? Oh, my God.
It is so cute.
Look at this cute little-- no nail, though.
Wait, is it a problem? Should we stop? No.
No, no.
I love your little perfect little nail-less feet.
Lie down.
I'm gonna use my mouth to do stuff to them now.
Here I come.
Here I come to fetish your feet.
- Okay.
- Mmm Ooh [Heavy breathing, sighing.]
I can't do it.
I can't do this.
- What? - Oh.
- What's wrong? - I so can't do this.
Oh, gosh.
I don't--I don't have a foot fetish.
Wait, you don't? God, no.
Not even a little bit.
Jeff, why did you tell me you did? To make you feel better.
About your whole uniform fetish thing.
Oh, great.
So I am the only one with a thing.
I am weird.
No, I'm weird.
I'm weird because I don't have a thing.
Look at you.
You're sexy and adventurous.
And you're fetishy.
And what am I? Bridget, I'm afraid that you're gonna get bored of me because I'm not risque, and I'm not cool like you.
Jeff, there's nothing cool about having a fetish.
I'm actually sort of mortified by it.
You shouldn't be.
Ever.
You should be able to say anything to me.
Don't you know there is nothing you could ever say to me that would change the way I feel about you? - Really? - Babe, I mean it.
And I love your uniform thing.
It is hot.
I mean, it's ridiculous, but it's hot.
And everyone else thinks so too.
Everyone? Did you tell Eli? No, I--why? Did you tell Alexis about the foot thing? Never.
No.
All right, how about this.
How about from now on, we both have permission to be completely open without fear of what the other person might think.
That sounds really nice.
So wait, are you sure that there's not anything, like, unusual that you're into? No.
No, not that I can think of.
But, uhHey.
We have the rest of our lives to try and come up with something.
The rest of our lives? Yeah.
Provided, of course, you can do something about that freaky pinky toe situation.
[Laughing.]
Wait, you have a date? That is so exciting.
It's not exciting.
It's stressful.
Stressful? It's not stressful.
Look, I might be biased 'cause you're my sister.
But kristen, you are a catch.
- Oh - Oh, totally.
Okay, you're smart.
You have a great ass.
And you own a home.
That is one sexy combo platter you're serving.
Uh, I'm a mom.
I'm too tired to be sexy.
You know who else is a mom? - Huh? - Heidi Klum.
Yeah, she has help.
From seal.
I don't think he's much help.
And by the way, they don't have teenagers.
Last week Becky was I.
M.
lng, and she wrote "mos.
" I had to look it up online.
It means "mom over shoulder.
" She hates me.
Okay, so what's going on? Prom, boys? All I know is what I overhear.
There's this boy named Ian, and she really needs to talk to Natasha today.
I think there's something going on.
Damn it! I cannot unlock her phone.
Let me take a look at that.
I'm a little bit of a techno guy.
But I'm not a jewel thief.
What the hell is this all about? We gotta go, I'm gonna be late for school.
And by the way, there is no way that any of you are going to be able to figure out my password.
Oh, what is it? Ian? God, mom, would you just get your own life so you can stay out of mine? Oh, she's working on it, all right? Your mom is getting back out there.
That's right! I have a date on Saturday night.
- Whoo! - Whoo! - Gross.
- Okay.
Hey, I'll be back later for the driving lesson.
And don't worry about this kid, Ian.
I guarantee you they're not kissing yet.
Right? You--you might not have needed to say that.
You guys, seriously.
I have a situation down there.
Are you using the magnifying side of the mirror? Yes, and, uh, by the way.
It's like looking at my downstairs in hd.
Did you catch an std from Ian? I don't know.
We only slept together that one night at your party.
You had sex in my house? No, in my car.
Oh, that was two weeks ago.
How many other guys have you been with? We're friends, you can tell us.
None.
Oh, my God.
Margaret, you can't eat your lunch in here today.
Sorry.
But I need the bathroom.
Ooh, this isn't happening.
Didn't Ian wear a condom? Yeah, but stuff touched.
It touched--I don't know.
You guys, what if I have something? What do I do? We need a plan.
Uh, let's call the police.
- Hmm? - To arrest Ian.
He probably gave it to you, whatever it is.
Yeah, we should arrest him.
I just said that, Cara.
Sorry.
Maybe you should talk to Ian about it.
Oh, yeah.
Just walk up and be, like, "hey, I know we haven't spoken in a week, but can I spot check your wang for bad stuff?" Uh, well this is important.
What if you have syphilis? Hmm.
Your eyebrows do look thinner.
Why does happiness get torn apart and why does sadness [Bell rings.]
Feel so blue Maybe you should tell nurse sue.
Yeah, so she can give my vagina a hearing test.
Maybe you should call your mom.
Oh, yo.
Are you kidding me? No, absolutely not.
My mom is so not cool.
She would homeschool me.
My life would be over.
I would tell my mom.
She's my best friend and we always talk about sex.
She likes doing it to rap music.
- My mom likes-- - Not now, Cara.
Okay, guys.
No mom's are going to know about this, all right? They'll just freak and have some big mom meeting about it.
They'll ban sex and dancing.
Oh, to the right, to the right.
At least talk to Ian.
Ask if he's having an outbreak or whatever.
Hey, Ian.
Hey, Becky.
Can we talk? Like, in private? It's about the other night.
You know, when-- - oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I had a great time with you.
- Yeah.
- But I'm back with Jessica.
- You are? - Yeah.
Sorry.
But I had fun, Beck.
Thanks.
See you around.
What did he say? He's back with Jessica.
- Ew.
- What? That a-hole.
Oh, let's start a rumor that Ian's junk is tiny.
And that he's got a funny voice for it.
Guys, do you think I care about Ian? It was just sex.
It's no big deal.
Hey, babe.
Becky, I heard about your situation.
Natasha! And just so you know, my cousin had herpes.
It's no big deal.
I mean, you can't have kids or anything.
And I think you have to drink through a straw.
Okay.
You had your chance, you blew it Now before we can have a conversation about sex, I'm gonna need you to sign this release form.
No way I'm going through another lawsuit.
Now What do you want to rap about? Are you sexually active, Becky? Yup.
Do you want to play some birth control bingo? Or a hand of love the glove? Uh, no.
Thank you.
We could play for real money.
Um, I'm just having a little problem.
So you're pregnant? I have pamphlets on abortion, adoption, and being a teen mother.
I, of course, have no personal views on the subject.
Says so right here in the release form, okay? Uh, actually, not pregnant.
I It's something else.
- Oh.
- [Quietly.]
Yeah.
Anything other than pregnancy is outside of my jurisdiction.
Section four.
But I can refer you to a free clinic.
You'll just need $80.
I can't hand it to you.
You'll have to pick it up yourself.
Hmm? Okay, I think we're close to a diagnosis.
You probably have one of three things.
Hpv, aids, or Skin cancer.
Was it out in the sun? Okay, so let's say I do have one of those three things.
Does that mean that I'm never gonna have sex again? Does that mean I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die alone like my mother.
Beck, you're my second best friend, and I love you.
You just need to know that.
I love you too.
Do you ever have an original thought? I think I need to get to that clinic.
You better hurry.
It closes at 7:00.
[Laughing.]
Hey, my little ponies.
What's happenin'? Why are you stopping? Faster, faster.
Hi, guys.
Hi honey, what are you doing? Nothing, do you have to know every single detail about my life? God.
- See that right there? - Yeah.
Worth the custody battle.
[Laughing.]
All right.
Enough with the little Teddy bear picnic you guys are doing-- come on! Uncle Judd's gonna take you on the road.
Let's go! Good luck, Becky.
Wow, you guys are really close.
What is that? What? [Groans.]
You mean who! That's Alfred.
Alfred's your safety dummy.
Alfred, Becky.
Becky, Alfred.
[Laughing.]
Alfred is gonna ride shotgun with you when you're riding alone at night.
I put him in a track suit so he looks like a mafia hit man.
Oh, trust me.
He's gonna come in handy.
I hate today.
And there's a turn here.
Slow down, slow down.
Brake.
Brake here, brake! Watch it, watch it, watch it.
Okay, I don't know what's going on, but you're like-- you're not focusing.
Watch that biker.
Watch him.
Watch that, watch that guy.
Watch the guy! The biker! - A-hole! - Sorry! - I saw him.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't see him.
Just keep your eyes--car! Brakes, brakes! Whoa! What are you-- whoa, whoa! Okay.
Oh, Alfred.
Alfred, please tell me that this condom wrapper fell out of your wallet.
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell my mom.
Please don't tell my mom.
What am I-- watch the road! Whoa! Oh! Oh, my God! - You okay? - Yeah.
- Good.
- No.
No? I think I have an std.
What--? No! No! You mean std? Wow, std.
Like Like, texting.
Std.
Um, I'm "so totally down.
" - That is not what that means.
- That's not what that means.
I know exactly what that means.
That meansOh, God! That means that you and Ian have kissed, right? You've obviously kissed, and you've gotten together.
And things have touched.
I don't want to talk about this right now.
I don't want to talk about it! What do you mean? I don't even know what to do.
The right thing.
You should do the right thing.
Okay, I-- - okay, I'm telling you to do the right thing.
You guys need to get married.
What? Yes, you have to marry him.
That's the right thing to do.
Or maybe I should kill him.
I can't do both, that'd be a little suspicious.
Becky, I don't exactly know what my position is.
Uh, here.
I think we need to go to a clinic.
Okay, good.
I'm gonna call your mom then.
- No! - No.
- No.
- No, that is a bad idea.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bad idea.
Please, Uncle judd.
The clinic closes in 15 minutes.
- Okay, I'll drive.
- Okay.
Uh, so how's school? Really? Sorry.
Look, this is my first teenage girl crisis, so I'm-- - it's okay.
You're doing great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, good.
Good, that is really good to hear from you.
'Cause I'm-- you know, I'm your Uncle.
I want to be that pillar.
I want to be the guy you lean on, you know? Uncle Judd, could we just, like, not talk right now? Absolutely.
Becky waltham? I'll be right here.
Girl, take it easy take it slow you're a hazard to yourself excessive exposure to life may be harmful to your health you run around in circles like you've got somewhere to go you're searching for the answers like there's something you should know the rules are pretty simple everything is accidental so just take it slow - Everything's fine.
- Good.
And let it go life is daily, life is crazy life is beautiful and scary life is, life is I feel so stupid.
Don't.
This ended fine.
And the only one who got hurt here was that mailbox.
And I'll just-- I'll send that guy a check.
Not about that.
About Ian.
How could he have sex with me and then go back to stupid Jessica? Uh, Becky, please.
Ian is a sack.
Really, that guy's a nobody.
I know, I know.
Then why do I feel like this? Because you don't know that you're better than him.
Yet.
But you will.
Trust me.
One day you're gonna look back on this and you're gonna think, "why did I even care about him?" Becky, look.
Everybody's been through this.
Really.
Even your mom.
Heh, yeah.
Right.
Oh! Ask your mom about Bobby holt.
My mom had sex in high school? That's not the point.
What I'm saying is that, uh UmYou don't Look, you don't want to talk to your mom, but she gets this stuff a lot more than you think.
Life is what it is and in the end all you have to do is try to do what you gotta to get by and stay alive Why weren't you answering your phone? Mom-- - well, I know, I know.
"Mind your own business!" "Don't ask questions.
" "Do my laundry, I need money for jeans.
" What happened with Bobby holt? Bobby holt? Uh, yeah.
That, uh, that came up organically.
Oh, sweetie.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She's all yours, Alfred.
Take good care of her.
[Jazzy music.]
It's easy when it hurts And actually what's funny is that the stovepipe hat originated in england.
Mm-hmm.
It's credited to George dunnage.
17I think 93.
Oh.
No, it was '93.
Mm-hmm.
Why was I talking--oh! Maddy's book report.
Boy, the girls have a lot of homework.
Don't they? Oh, so much.
Yeah, Emma gets really stressed about it.
Tell me about it.
Maddy the other day asked me to put on a pot of coffee for her.
I'm just kidding.
She didn't literally ask.
No, I didn't think so.
So this is nice.
This is nice.
You know, I don't get out much.
Since, uh, you know, the ex-wife left.
Plus I'm new in town, so I told you about my wife.
Several times.
- I did.
- Yup.
It's not like I miss her or anything.
She was awful.
What am I doing? Talk about you.
You have beautiful eyelashes.
Are they real? Yes.
My eyelashes are real.
I'm asking because Heather had these lash extension things.
Couldn't sleep on your face.
Couldn't rub your eyes.
A lot of rules with that one.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Should we just, uh, get the check? Oh.
Yeah.
So how did it go with Mrs.
good rack? One, that's not her name.
And two, it went very well, thank you.
Hi.
We need Jackson here.
Okay, Jackson.
You're up, buddy.
Jackson is on the move.
So it went well? How hard did you nail her? How many times? Did you hit that sweet spot? No, I wish.
There was no nailing, okay? But it was a very civilized first date.
Hey, no cell phones in the car line, okay? Yeah, we got kids running around.
There you go, dummy.
We need Daisy.
Okay, let's send up Daisy.
That kristen's got a nice butt.
It's not like a skinny yoga butt.
It's got a nice, '80s playboy feel to it.
It's like a smooth hillside.
I want to built a cabin on it and live there.
All right, see you next week.
Hey, man, how's it going? Third grade's all cleaned up.
Fourth grade is yours, bud.
Hey! There you are, jellybean.
What's wrong? Everyone's going to this birthday party tomorrow.
Oh, well, that's okay.
You can go.
Whose is it? Emma waltham.
But I wasn't invited.
I was the only one.
Emma.
Is that Mrs.
good rack's daughter? Who's Mrs.
good rack? Mrs.
waltham? [Doorbell rings.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi.
Wow, kristen.
You look, uh, you look nice.
Oh, uh, Brian.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your party.
I just--I don't think I would be a good parent if I didn't come by and tell you that, uh-- well, I want to know why maddy wasn't invited.
She's very upset, and I think it was very mean to exclude her.
Oh, I am so sorry.
That must have been a mistake.
You know, maddy's new in class.
And I probably have an old contact list.
Well, you're the class mother.
Don't you make the lists? Mom! Mom, I need you.
Um Is this about me? Wait, this isn't about our date, is it? I'll be right there, sweetie! No.
It is nothing like that.
This was just an honest mistake.
I am so sorry.
Well, hey.
Why don't you take a goody bag home for maddy? - Oh, you know, that's okay.
- No, no, I insist.
Emma, grab a goody bag and come to the front door.
Well, if they have jelly beans.
You know, those are maddy's favorites, so I-- - oh, I--you know, no guarantees.
Hey! Hi.
You remember Mr.
barstow, maddy's dad.
Hi.
My mom says you're creepy.
I'm not allowed to play at your house.
Thank you.
Kids! I don't-- I don't know.
That was--where do they get this stuff? I don't know.
[Glass breaking.]
Mom! Oh, shoot.
I gotta go.
I don't understand why kristen would call me that.
Am I creepy? Uh, depends on how the light hits you.
And when I saw you talk to kristen, you didn't blink the whole time.
Well, okay.
I guess I've blown my chances with you.
So what happened on the date? Nothing.
I mean, it was nice.
We had a good time.
Then don't sweat it.
If I've learned anything from my darling Stephanie, kids are a-holes.
They lie.
It might be because I followed her home.
You what? [Car horn honking.]
Oh! - Hey, kristen.
- Oh, my God! Brian? Yeah.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.
You followed me home? Yeah, I did.
Good thing too.
You got a taillight out.
Driving around, breaking the law.
Naughty, naughty lady.
But it's your lucky day.
Uh, I own a body shop.
You want to bring it by? I'll take a look.
Oh, yeah--uh, well-- thank--maybe, yeah.
It's a good business.
I'm a good provider, so Hey, by the way.
I'm lost.
How do I get back to reseda boulevard? Whoa.
That's--that's creepy.
Oh, I was trying to be chivalrous, all right? My ex-wife, she always thought she was going to get carjacked, so But you just met this woman.
You can't tail her after a first date like some deranged stalker.
That's fourth, fifth date stuff.
So her daughter can't play with maddy because of that? I don't know.
Seems a little extreme.
Dude, what are these? Oh, those are some cookies I baked for the class meeting.
Saved a couple for maddy and I.
Help yourself.
Dude, see anything wrong with these cookies? No, they're rockets.
Maddy said they're studying space.
- Really.
- Yeah.
Rockets? What are these? Those are booster engines.
No, dude.
They're balls.
These cookies are shaped like penises.
What? No, they're not.
They're-- oh, wait.
I see.
Oh, no.
Why would you bake penis cookies? No, I didn't! I baked rockets.
See? [Imitates rocket.]
No, no.
Sideways penis.
- Well, then-- - Now it's erect.
So who exactly did you serve these to? All the mothers at the meeting.
And how'd that go over? Really well.
They were huddled around.
And they were whispering.
Not eating them.
Oh, man.
You are that creepy dad.
Switch me on turn me up I want to touch you you're just made for love Dear kristen.
It's 4:00 a.
M.
, and I'm at sea.
Been up all night thinking about you.
Did I make a bad impression? I think I was trying too hard.
I'd love to hit the reset button on this thing.
So looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night at the class meeting.
I promise not to bake anything phallic, even though I have a killer recipe for lightsaber cookies.
Lol.
Is that too much? No, that's really funny.
Fondly, Brian.
P.
S.
If you saw me in a bad light, here's what I really look like.
[Computer chimes.]
[Beeping.]
Good? Yeah, that's good.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Let's hurry.
We're gonna be late.
What the--? [School bell rings.]
Hi.
Hello, there.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Hey, there she is.
Why do you have stinky face? You hit "reply all," genius.
Excuse me? You sent this weird e-mail with your picture on it to Emma's mom, and you hit "reply all.
" So it went out to all the moms.
Now all the kids are calling me "maddy with the creepy daddy.
" What the hell's wrong with you? Brian, this picture is terrifying.
You look like a serial killer.
Is that cottage cheese? I-- yeah, I don't know.
I couldn't sleep, it was late.
I took a pill.
"It's 4:00 a.
M.
, and I'm at sea.
" That's so creepy.
When you use that voice, it's creepy.
But I meant it, you know, like, "it's 4:00 a.
M.
And I'm at sea.
" I was being poetic.
How would she get that? There's no tone in email.
You should have at least used an emoticon, like a smiley face.
No, I think those things are creepy, okay? You signed it, "fondling Brian.
" Are you a total freak? No, I didn't.
I signed it, "fondly, Brian.
" - It says, "fondling.
" - Oh, no, that's a typo.
No, that's not-- I didn't-- that's auto spell! What-- damn you, auto spell! And you sent it to the entire mom mailing list.
How could you do that? - I-I didn't know.
- Brian, there's "reply.
" And then there's "reply all.
" How can you not get that? Dad gets that.
Okay, so I screwed up.
And by the way, a lot of people eat cottage cheese as a snack, I'll have you know.
I was just trying to make things right.
These were in my room.
Are they for me? Yes, they are.
I know you had kind of a rough day.
So I thought I'd get you a treat.
Well, can I eat them now? Yeah.
Yeah, you can eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner, okay? What happened? You ran out of penis cookies? Oh, nice.
Oh, that class meeting is tonight; I can't go.
It can't get any worse.
What are you afraid of? All those moms.
It'll be like a Salem witch trial.
Brian, go to the class meeting.
You're maddy's dad.
You have a right to be there.
What is wrong with me? You were married to a shrew with crazy eyelashes for ten years.
That's what happened to you.
Before Heather you were confident and unflappable and popular.
This is just a phase.
But you better wrap it up quickly, buddy.
'Cause you're freaking everybody out, okay? So clear the air, defend your name, go into that class meeting, and kick some ass.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go kick some ass.
But, like, harder.
Not too hard.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
All those in favor of serving almond milk, raise your hand.
Um, hi.
Uh, my daughter cloud has a tree nut allergy.
Are you crazy? Okay.
And all those in favor of 1%.
She could die! Thank you.
All right.
Well, there's no majority, because some people voted twice.
So class moves to serving both.
Any other questions? All right.
Well, that looks like it wraps it up for the night.
Good night.
Um, if I could just, really quick-- wanted to clear the air.
Um, about that email that I sent? I'm really sorry.
You know, I'm gonna blame it on the sleeping pill I took.
That I tookLastNight.
Um See, I think it might have given you the wrong impression about me.
I'm not creepy.
But, you know what? If you have concerns, can we just talk about them? Because I am at a point in my life where I am open to some feedback.
- Uh, men shouldn't wear crocs.
- Ugly.
Okay.
Well, I'm not wearing crocs.
Maddy's ponytails are never even.
- Never.
- You dress like a terrorist.
You're a witch.
Why are you taking sleeping pills on a weeknight? Hey, if the man likes his sleeping pills, I say let him have them, right? I mean, we're all trying to make it through.
Well, yeah.
But, you see, I don't take sleeping pills.
I just--I just took a pill, you know? I couldn't sleep.
I'm not on drugs.
Well, what is that white powder on your face? Is that cocaine? Hey, if the man likes his cocaine-- - no, that's not cocaine.
It's from a jelly donut.
You know, that wouldn't have been there if my wife hadn't left me.
What I mean is, is that she was the one that would have noticed that, or if I had coffee breath, or if maddy's ponytails aren't even, thank you.
But she's gone, so Nothing I can do about it.
It's probably something I did.
Or maybe I didn't do enough.
I don't know.
I'll never know.
But I'm just trying to make things good for my kid, okay? Maybe I'm trying too hard.
No, look.
I don't care if you like me.
Just all I ask is you don't punish my eight-year-old daughter for my mistakes.
Thank you.
Whoa! Ooh! AaahI'm very sorry.
That was-- that was an accident.
That could happen to anybody.
Hey.
How'd it go? Oh, not well.
No, not well.
I am the creepy dad.
And, uh, there's nothing I can do about it.
Well, I've got someone here that I think could cheer you up.
Hey.
What have you got there? It's filled with 365 things I love about you.
I wrote one for every day of the year.
Oh, maddy.
Come here.
Maybe the other moms at school don't like you.
But I do.
You can take one out now.
Okay.
"You lift me up high to reach tall things.
" - You do.
- I do.
No, you can only take one out per day.
Otherwise we won't have enough for the whole year.
Well, I'll tell you what.
It's been a rough one.
So I think I'm gonna need a few more of these, okay? Fine.
"You take me out for ice cream.
" Hey, Becky.
Hey, Ian.
Who's, uh, who's the guy? Oh, that's just Someone I've been seeing.
He's in college.
Oh.
I'll see you around, Ian.
All right, one more.
"You like to surprise me.
" [Tapping on window.]
You're parked in an illegal spot.
Jeff, what are you doing? Who's Jeff? My name is dolph.
Oh.
And I'm the meanest meter maid on this block.
Listen, you may be beautiful.
But I will write you a ticket.
Unless, of course Oh! [Laughs.]
You can persuade me otherwise.
Wait, here? There's people around.
I think this may be my thing.
[Laughing.]
All right, last one.
I promise.
"You're the best dad in the whole world.
" You'll do the, uh-- you'll do the cookies.
- Cookies.
- I'll do the coffee.
Kristen.
Uh, hi, excuse me.
Um, teacher appreciation day next Friday.
I got the cupcakes all covered.
And I promise they will look like cupcakes.
Brian? Brian, wait.
You know, can you give me one second? Listen, um, I owe you an apology.
When you opened up last night in the meeting, I completely related.
I mean, being a single parent is really tough.
Yeah, it is.
Right? It is, and I screw up all the time.
I make a big deal about everything.
You know, you're a good dad.
And anyone can see that.
- Well, thank you.
- Well, you're welcome.
And I feel really bad about hurting maddy's feelings.
Oh, well, that's okay.
She's a pretty resilient kid.
Wait till she's a teenager.
Oh.
My daughter is going through some boy stuff.
And she just crashed her car into a mailbox.
Oh, well, hey, listen.
Take it by the shop.
I'll have a look at it.
No, I couldn't do that.
Oh, yes, you can.
I have no friends.
I am willing to buy them.
Uh, well, that's very nice.
Okay, okay.
Well, then you have to let me take you out to dinner.
Okay.
Well, tell you what.
How about I make us both dinner? - Deal.
- Deal.
Good.
Did somebody call you a witch last night? Yeah, they did.
I thought that was in my head.
No, that happened.
That really happened.
- Yeah, it did.
- Yeah, it was weird.
That was weird.
It was weird.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, jelly bean! - Hi, dad.
Bye, Emma.
Bye, maddy.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, kristen? Yeah? What have you got there in the front seat? Oh, umThat.
That's a gift from my brother.
It's a safety dummy, for when I'm driving alone.
And I don't have an escort following me home.
Ah, that's smart.
It's a little creepy.
I guess it is.
A little creepy.
All right, see ya.
See ya soon.
You ready? - Yeah.
- All right.
So I was invited to Clara's birthday party.
Yeah? Yeah, it's gonna be all Harry Potter characters.
I definitely want to go as Voldemort.
Voldemort? That's a bad guy.
Well, then I'll be the good guy.
No.
Wait.
[Laughing.]