My Three Sons (1960) s01e06 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(utensils lightly clanking)
Uh, very tasty soup, Bub.
The, uh, nice thing about thin soup like this
is it's not too filling.
I mean, uh, it sort of whets your appetite
for the rest of the dinner.
(chuckles)
What rest of the? Shh What's that?
Nothing.
Okay, that does it.
Now get to your homework.
Never mind the dishes.
I'll take care of 'em.
What do you mean "that does it"?
Is this all we're getting for dinner?
(stammers, chuckles)
Are we on some kind of a diet or something?
No, that's just Bub's corny way
of telling us we're out of food.
Out of food?
Yeah, Bub's all shook up b Chip.
You're darn right
I'm all shook up. Look, Dad, I tried to explain to Bub
I don't mind doing the cooking, scrubbing
that I have a few obligations of my own.
And the housework around here
I mean, I can't spend all day, every day
but when it comes to running the errands
and buying the groceries hauling him around town.
I think it's only fair
It's not fair, Dad. That I have a little help.
Let's now, just a minute, just a minute.
Mike promised Bub to pick him up after school and
I did not promise. Look here, young
man, when we want your two cents
we'll let you know. I said if I could I would,
but I certainly didn't promise.
You've already done plenty around
here today. Why don't you butt out anyway?
All right, let's not argue.
It's not good on an empty stomach.
Mike promised.
Now, it seems fantastic, but I gather we're out of food,
and all because Mike,
for apparently good reasons, has upset Bub
And justifiably so by not taking him shopping today.
Correct?
Today, yesterday and the day before that.
Well, it's not my fault, Dad.
So darned many unexpected things came up at school.
Unexpected is right.
Rally Day, Post-Rally Day, Pre-Rally Day.
I've had my fill of senior activities.
I'm fed up.
I wish I were.
Well, it seems we do have a little problem.
Mike has some obligations to meet
and Bub has a few things to pick up downtown.
A few things?
Laundry, cleaning, groceries,
and I was supposed to pick up the lawnmower
about a week ago.
How am I going to get all those things
in that sawed-off little jalopy of his?
It's not sawed-off, it's cut-down.
Well, sawed-off or cut-down,
I'm sure it'll hold all the
things you have to pick up, Bub.
It has a big trunk in the back.
Are you kidding?
That trunk's been rusted shut for years.
It isn't rusted, it's locked.
Oh, Mike, unlock it.
Well, I, I lost the key.
I'm getting hungrier every minute.
See?
Well, all we have to do is make a slight adjustment.
We? Dad.
Don't ask me to adjust.
I've adjusted myself right out of food.
Now, Bub, don't be inflexible.
Healthy living is simply an
ALL: Endless series of small adjustments.
That's right. Phooey.
Dad. Just a minute, Chip.
I'm starving starving to death.
STEVE: All right, here's the solution.
Mike, tomorrow you drive the station wagon to school
and arrange your schedule so that you can take
your granddad shopping in the afternoon. Okay?
Okay.
Dad? Are you going to take the bus?
No, no, I'm not proud; I'll drive your car.
Now, what do you say we all adjust ourselves
to a big hamburger down at Freddie's Drive-In?
Yow-ee!
Dad!
Oh, I'm sorry, Chip, what is it?
I forget.
Come on, get your coat.
Ooh
Whoa! Watch, hey, whoa, get in there.
Now, personally, Douglas,
I'm convinced that you're the right man.
You're a clear thinker, sharp eye for detail,
and not likely to get bogged down by government red tape.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sure I had it.
I couldn't have gotten in without it, could I?
(chuckles)
Here it is.
Good.
Figured you were the right man.
Thank you.
Shall we take your car?
Oh, certainly, General.
Oh, I, uh, I forgot.
We've had a little transportation mix-up
at the house and I'm driving my son's car.
I don't think we
Are you apologizing, Douglas?
Well, no, sir, it isn't that, it's
just that Well, adjust to it.
Can't be inflexible, you know.
I know, sir.
BOTH: Life is just a series of
Small adjustments.
Come on, Johnson, no time for that.
May I have your identification, please?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Well, here we are.
Thanks, Douglas.
Ah, look out.
(horn wolf whistles)
(chuckling nervously): I'm sorry, General, I didn't know
Uh, come on, Johnson, let's get out.
Well, see you at your house for dinner tonight.
Fine, General, about 6:30 sharp.
Good. I'm looking forward
to a good home-cooked dinner for a change.
Good here can I help? Come on, Johnson.
I guess I can't.
Maybe you'd better get out this side.
Yes.
(chuckles)
At this rate, we may have to have dinner in the car.
Yes.
Uh, hold it.
Lean forward, Johnson.
(grunts)
Oh, that's clear thinking, General. Yes.
Certainly makes it more comfortable, doesn't it?
Yes, well, thanks for the ride.
You're perfectly welcome, sir.
See you at 6:30.
All right.
We'll be ready and waiting, General.
You sure I can't pick you up someplace?
No, thanks, I'll take a cab.
(clutch grinds loudly)
(backfires)
(backfiring)
Good man, Douglas.
Used to be a fine pilot.
Funny, some men just never adjust to civilian life.
Come on, Johnson.
(engine sputtering loudly)
Where's Dad?
What?
Where's Dad?
Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.
I wonder how he's doing with my rod.
Maybe it's a loose gasket.
What?
Gasket.
Yeah, I just filled it up.
Okay, you fellas.
Robbie, shut that thing off. (Backfires)
Your dad just called and he says
there's a two-star general coming to dinner tonight.
(backfires)
Robbie, turn that darn thing off.
I know, it doesn't sound very good, does it?
Ah Mike, come here, you have to hurry.
He wants you to meet him at the McKinley bus stop at 6:00.
Bus stop? What'd he do to my car?
(backfiring)
Robbie, turn that thing off.
Well, uh, there's some kind of adjustment to be made.
He'll explain it to you when you pick him up.
Robbie. Oh, that's tough to take.
Huh?
I said, "That's tough to take."
Why? He's ridden the bus before.
No, I mean about my car.
(groans)
(backfires)
Hey, you cut off the gas.
Yes, and I'll shut off your gas
if you don't get in the house.
There's a two-star general coming to dinner tonight.
(backfiring) Now get in there.
Wow, why didn't you say so?
Well, I was just too shy to mention it.
Now get in there.
Will you dry up?
(sputtering stops)
(backfires, hisses)
(mouthing)
Garfield Garfield next.
Accidents, murders
and platinum-haired hotsy totsies.
I beg your pardon?
Same thing every day.
Oh, yeah.
Haven't read a newspaper in ten years.
How'd the Yankees make out?
Oh, they won three to two.
What's news about that?
Call theirs elves newspapers.
I like history myself.
How about you?
Yeah, yeah, history's fine.
History is like life.
Always thought I'd write a history
of my life someday.
That'd make real interesting reading
for people, wouldn't it?
Well, I guess that'd depend
on what kind of life you've had.
I'm glad you asked me that.
We was all born in a town upstate called Rockfield.
There were me and my four brothers and five sisters.
Things happened sometimes, once in awhile.
Think that'd make an interesting beginning to the story?
Yeah, that that would be fine.
Just to give you an idea what it was like,
when the chores was done
and we weren't too tuckered out,
why, we'd all of us
well, no, not all of us, because
(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)
Wasn't that something?
Mm-hm.
And freckles to match.
Never seen so many freckles
on one kid in my whole life.
DRIVER: Cleveland Cleveland next.
More freckles than a dog has fleas. Yeah.
Of course, that was Eulalia's boy.
You remember me telling you about Eulalia?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she was, uh,
Uncle Rice's niece. Yup.
On your mother's side.
Played the ukulele. Banjo.
Banjo.
Red-haired, freckle-faced
and a temper to match.
So ornery, no use dickering with him.
What do you think of that?
Never forget the day when we was down chopping weeds
over by where the dead cottonwoods used to be.
Uh, McKinley McKinley next.
(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)
I took that old saw blade
and fastened it onto that old hoe handle
with a piece of rusty bailing wire.
Come pruning time, it was just about
as handy as a pocket on a shirt. DRIVER: Taft Street.
Course, probably my book wouldn't sell so good.
It ain't gonna be filled with all kinds
of murdering, women screaming
and science friction and all.
Oh, here's my stop.
Well, enjoyed talking to you.
Mm
That's another thing that's wrong
with newspapers nowadays.
People don't take the time
to talk to one another. Mm-hmm, that's right.
The bus went right by and didn't even stop.
What do you think happened, Bub?
I don't know,
but your Dad will probably be on the next one.
He better be, anyway,
because the general's due here pretty soon.
Well, maybe he decided to take a cab.
Well, do you think I ought to come home?
Nope, stay where you are.
He'll be along pretty quick.
Mm (sighs)
Harding.
Harding?
What happened to McKinley?
He was assassinated.
I mean the street!
Oh, we passed that about ten minutes ago.
Oh, my gosh, I slept through my stop.
Let me off.
Hoover Hoover next.
(rock 'n' roll music playing over stereo)
Hey.
What the heck?
Ja. Well, I I wonder if I could use your phone.
I've had a little trouble Oh, yeah, come in.
Oh, come in, my friends, come in.
I better go next Come in.
I'll go I'll go next door.
Come in.
(all talking at once)
(busy signal)
Darned Robbie, always on the phone when I need it!
Steve?
Where in tarnation are you?
Well, never mind that, Bub, is General Heffler there yet?
No, according to the kitchen clock,
he's got 15 minutes, unless he's late.
General Heffler is never late, Bub.
Now, when he gets there You reach your wife, ja?
Uh, yes, yes uh, no, I
I mean, I'm not married.
Uh, Bub, where's Mike?
Not married?
Hedwig, Hedwig, some punch for our unmarried guest!
Yeah, I got a little nervous and I took the bus and, uh
maybe I better call a cab.
No, no, no, Mike will be calling me back any minute.
I'll have him pick you up.
Okay, I'm at, uh
What what is the address here?
4201 Hoover.
4201 Hoover.
Yeah, it's a white house, and it's right on the corner.
Hedwig, Hedwig, my older daughter.
Beautiful girl, ja?
Yes, very pretty.
(laughing) Um Only 35.
Bub, uh, I'll be waiting outside.
Hedwig is not married also.
(stammering)
Oh. Hedwig makes it herself.
Thank you very much.
Bub, are you still there?
Yeah, what's going on?
Sounds like you're having a party.
(busy signal)
Robbie, you big bag of wind!
I'll try you once more in a few minutes,
and then I'm going home.
And, Bub, if, uh, General Heffler
gets there before I do, for Pete's sake, be careful
what you say to him, will you?
Strong good cook, too. No, no, no.
No, no, I didn't meant that,
I Makes all her own clothes.
No, I just want you to remember that contract he has
in his pockets is our food for the next three months.
Yeah okay, good-bye.
Fine young girl.
Sings, plays the tuba
Well, not at the same time, I bet.
Do you like bowling?
Well, yes, yes, I, uh, I like to bowl, but
Ja, Hedwig bowl 180.
180 that's very good for a
girl. And she loves children, too.
I'll bet she does. Uh, maybe next time,
you and Hedwig go bowling, ja?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Ja.
I-I mean, I'm sure she'll make somebody
a wonderful wife Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Uh, don't you like it?
Oh, I'm sure it's very good, but I-I-I'm in a hurry.
Thanks for letting me use the
phone. She has good sense of humor.
I can see that.
And her very own checking account, too!
Boy, this just isn't my day.
General Heffler's probably ringing the doorbell right now,
and here I stand.
Course, I know Bub and the boys will treat him
as a general should be treated I hope.
(doorbell ringing)
CHIP: I'll get it.
(door opening) Hey, Bub,
there's a big clunky guy here to see Dad.
My name is Heffler, Major General,
United States Air Force.
BUB: Oh, yeah, come on in, Sarge.
General.
(door closing)
CHIP: You gonna give my Dad
that important contract, mister?
General!
BUB: Steve just called.
Sounded like he was at a party
on the other side of town, Sarge.
I am not a sergeant, and I am not a mister!
I am an important general who is not going
to give your father an important contract!
Contract, contract, contract
(horn honking)
Are you getting on, or aren't you?
Oh, I'm sorry you stopped, I
I'm just waiting for my boy He's going to pick me up
unless something else has gone wrong.
Okay, but if he's like my kid brother,
you may be standing there all night.
Yeah.
Hey.
You, uh you talked me into it.
Huh.
Boy, the characters you meet driving a bus.
You know, I could write a book about it.
Be darned interesting, too.
Why, just the other day,
this blonde got on my bus
That's funny.
I'm sure Bub said he'd be standing right on the corner.
Not there?
Well, listen, Mike, I just talked to him.
Are you sure you're at 42nd and Hoover?
Sure, I'm sure.
Mr. Swenson said Dad just left here.
Who?
Swenson I'm calling from his house.
Maybe you hungry, ja?
Uh, well, yeah, thanks.
Bub, what do I do now?
Uh, Thea, Thea, bring the tray
for this nice, good looking young man.
Beautiful girl, ja?
My youngest.
How do you do?
Bub, are you there?
Very fine anchovies Olga.
Thea makes it herself.
Thanks.
And such a good cook, that girl.
At her age, too.
Mmm.
You like her, ja?
Bub!
Bub?
Hello, Mike?
I'm sorry, but my butterfly rolls were burning.
Yes.
Jeepers, Bub, when's that general getting here?
Between this darned tie and the hunger pangs,
I'm about gone. Serves you right.
Mike, you stay right where you are,
and I'll call you back.
Okay, Bub.
You like to dance?
It's harmony, six five, four,
three, seven. Three, seven.
Thea, come show this nice,
good looking young man the polka.
And make it quick, will you, Bub?
Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.
Good-bye.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, my gosh, the general.
You stay here; I got a job for you.
Chip, the door!
Bub, can't I eat first?
No Chip, get the door! CHIP: I'm coming.
Now, you hightail it down
to the McKinley Street bus stop
CHIP: Hey, Bub!
There's a big guy here
in a clunky uniform to see Dad.
You sore or something, Dad?
No, no, no, just thinking.
Well, I sure am.
Am what? I mean, are what?
Sore.
This darned crossbar sure isn't built for comfort.
(chuckling): Oh.
Well, stay with it.
We've only got a couple more blocks.
Hey, Robbie
read this telegram again, will you?
Boy, you should have seen the look
on Bub's face when the big guy in the clunky uniform
turned out to be a telegraph boy.
(laughing)
"Cancel dinner plans.
"Called back to Washington.
"Will tell you about project tomorrow
"if your phone is not busy.
"Signed G.A. Heffler, Major General,
United States Air Force."
Whoa.
Well, there I was,
getting all lathered up over nothing.
Hey, uh, I wonder what happened to Mike.
(polka music playing)
(festive murmuring, clapping)
♪♪
You know, Robbie,
I bet we've got the only house in America
where you can wake up in the morning
and not possibly imagine what's going
to happen to you before you go to bed at night.
(chuckling)
(dogs barking)
Go on get! Get out of here.
Go home!
(barking continues)