On the Buses (1969) s01e06 Episode Script

As the idea, whilst brother stands here,
I would like to nominate him to be
first chairman and treasurer of
the canteen sub-committee.
Now, will somebody propose him?
I propose him.
I second him.
Well done.
Yes, well, if you feel that way about it, fellas.
Yes.
And as chairman, brother stands first duty, will be to engage a decent,
skilled, qualified cook.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Where am I going to get a cook from?
Well, you're the chairman, mate.
Don't worry, we'll all help you.
We'll all stand behind you.
Good blimey, is that the time?
I must get off home.
So must I.
Yeah.
About the cook, you see.
Fellas, is there any
Yes, of course.
Cheer up.
Hey, Stan.
What?
If you want a good cook, my wife needs a job.
Your missus?
She can cook for a canteen?
Oh, yes, indeed.
She has worked in canteen for two years.
Has she?
Oh, well, give her a try, yeah.
Here, wait a minute.
You sure she'll know what the blokes will want?
Goodness gracious me.
She's cooked for busmen before, you know.
Has she?
That's it.
She's on.
I'll tell her what.
Tell her she can start first thing tomorrow morning.
Good old charmer, mate.
God, yeah.
Hiya, fellas.
Hey.
What's the grub like then, Bert?
What's the grub like?
You can't leave, anyway.
What are you and Jack playing at?
What grub?
Jack, what's up, mate?
What's wrong?
What's the matter with the cook?
What's wrong with her?
See for yourself.
Ahem.
Hello, Mrs Charmer.
I am Stan Butler, and I am chairman of the canteen committee.
What's she talking about?
You're flogging a dead horse, mate.
She doesn't speak a word of English.
You must be joking.
I can't understand it.
Her old man Charmer's worked in this garage for two years.
He's just sent for her.
She's been here two days.
He told me she'd worked in the canteen for busmen before.
Oh, yes, yes, she did.
On the Bombay buses.
Well, if she don't speak English, I'll just point to a saucepan, and when I get
it, I'll know what it is.
Yeah, I've got it.
I still don't know what it is.
Here, smell that.
Gandhi's revenge.
Very nice curry.
You like it?
I don't know, I've never had it.
I'll go and find out.
Mrs Charmer.
Cheers.
Thank you.
That's it, that's it.
Now, you've fixed it.
Now, let's see you eat it.
Come on, let's eat.
What's the matter with you?
Get it down your throat.
Well, go on, eat it.
Of course I'll eat it.
Eat it, then.
Oh, blimey, darling, isn't it?
Now, then.
Well, go on, then.
Eat it, then.
Come on, eat, then.
I did, yes, it's all right.
It's lovely.
Max, your eyes water a bit, don't they?
No, it's all right, it's all right.
You've got to get used to it first, haven't you, Jack, haven't you?
Oh, yes, yes, lovely.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, you two, get that grub down and get out.
Come on, you'll do it in seven minutes.
Yes, I can't eat no more of that.
Put up a good show, put up a good show.
It's lovely, isn't it?
Lovely.
We've got a new cook here today.
Yeah.
What's the grub like, all right?
Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Oh, curry, eh?
Oh, you like it, do you?
I was five years out in India.
They sent me out there during the war, you know.
They needed men like me.
They wanted to show the Indians what it'd be like if Hitler came.
I got a medal for what I did.
Did you?
What was it, the Iron Cross?
Sweet.
At least I can speak the language.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Oh, blimey, she's crying to it.
Now, I would hat out on you.
She thinks he's the immigration officer.
She's greeting me.
Oh, I've got it.
No, it's the moustache.
She thinks you're Enoch Powell.
Imulatik hai.
Samke sai.
Hamtik hai.
Kya kona hai?
Mata baaji.
Mata baaji?
Mata baaji.
You're married for Samke hai.
Kona do.
Mata baaji.
Kona do tab.
Tikai.
Tikai.
Atora char sake ma.
Atora char.
Tikai.
Mata baaji.
Mata baaji.
You're married for Samke hai.
What's all them little bowls?
Oh, they're pickles, mate.
You always have them with the pickles.
Never have it on its own.
Blimey, this couldn't be any worse anyway.
Let's have a go at the pickles, mate.
Now that, Jack, that's it.
Now that, I'm
What's the matter, mate?
Is it hot?
Hot?
No.
Oh, it's melting me fillings.
You can't take it, can you?
Of course you can.
Just a shot for a minute.
Of course I can take it.
We're used to this stuff, aren't we, Jack?
Not a bad curry, was it?
Might have been a bit hotter, though, mind you.
So good, I'll go
I'll go have a drop more water.
It's no good.
It's coming out fast and it's going in.
Oh, I'll give anything for a cup of cha.
Cha?
I thought you said she couldn't speak English.
You moronic twit.
Cha is Indian for tea.
Well, I don't care what it is as long as it's a cup of tea, that's all I know.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Albright.
That like again, thank you.
Oh, it's bitter!
It's bitter!
It's bitter!
I saw her putting the sugar in.
Look what they tell you.
It's salt.
They drink it like that, aren't they?
Anything else you've forgotten to tell us?
Yes, you're due out.
Come on.
Get in that bus.
Come on.
Number 11.
I want you out the depot right away.
Yeah, right on.
Excuse me, that way.
Ha, ha, ha.
How do you feel, mate?
Oh, that'll make a barge in.
Oh, I'm bilious here.
I got spot before the eyes.
What's the matter with you?
Has he been drinking, has he?
No.
They're kind of upsetting.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it is an acquired taste, you know.
Yeah, I've acquired it and I can't get rid of it.
Oh, er, I thought I ought to tell you.
Some of your mates are waiting up in the canteen for you.
Looks like a lynching party.
This sense of humour is rapidly losing its magic for me.
You wouldn't be leaving, would you?
Er, no, we were just coming in, no, but
Me and the boys want to have a word with you.
Yeah.
Now, what's the matter, Bert?
Well, we've had a
Now, right, boys?
Yeah.
Now, we've decided that you've got to get a new cook for tomorrow.
Cheers.
But what about Mrs Sharma?
Mrs Sharma?
We've told her that she's not quite right with the job, see?
Yeah.
So we sacked her on your behalf.
That's right.
What?
Yeah, all we want is a cook the same as the old management used to have.
But you said they used to cook a lot of rubbish.
Yeah, but it used to be a load of British rubbish.
They never know what they want.
Where am I going to get another cook from?
I don't think you've quite got rid of the first one, mate.
Oh, hello.
I'm sorry, mate, my wife wasn't suitable.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Sharma.
Can I have her wages, please?
Yeah, of course you can.
Now, let's see.
We agreed on seven bob an hour, six hours, about two pound two.
What have we got till, Jack?
Ten and four.
As treasurer, you'll have to make up the other one pound eleven and eight out
of your own pocket till we're in profit.
Aye?
Blimey!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
She was dismissed.
She should have one week's wages.
Oh, yes, it's quite right, you know, yes.
As shop steward, I must uphold that.
We can't have no discrimination.
You'll have to pay her one week's wages in lieu.
And note this, that'll be a total of eleven pound eight and frums.
Eleven pound eight and frums?
It's all right, you'll get it back when the company's in profit.
Yeah, but blimey, this is your money.
And the national insurance is ten.
Oh, yeah, well, you might as well let him buy that.
That's another fifteen and seven.
That'll be a total of twelve pound three and templates.
Twelve pound three and templates?
Hang on, hang on.
I wonder if she's entitled to severance pay.
Shut up, you mug.
She'll be wanting her holiday money next.
All right, what did you say it was?
Twelve pound what?
Twelve three, ten.
Twelve three, twelve three.
And that bit there.
There you are, Mrs Sharma.
Twelve pound three and templates.
England is a wonderful country.
You can say that again.
Twelve pound three and ten for a plate of curry.
Blimey, that's the dearest plate of curry I'll ever have, I'll tell you.
You better start saving up for the next cook then, haven't you?
Shut up.
I'm going to have some more water.
Now I know why they have so many droughts in India.
Stan, are you sure you won't have any dinner?
This howdy stew of olives is lovely.
Blimey, Mum, don't make it worse.
I've got enough trouble as it is trying to find a new cook for the canteen
tomorrow.
Yeah, well, I still don't know why you can't put the job olives away.
I said I've got enough trouble as it is.
Blimey, those fellas kicked up enough fuss about that curry.
Yeah, well, she wouldn't make curry, would she?
The way she cooks, they might wish she had.
Don't be so rude.
I didn't mean it that way, love, but you'd have to cook for sixty busmen.
Sixty men?
Sixty?
Ooh, they might start taking liberties with her.
I don't think she'll have that problem.
They've got too much respect for her.
Yeah, I suppose you could say that.
Anyway, she'll be bringing home quite a tidy pay packet, and there's twelve
free meals a week thrown in.
And the way she cooks, it'll be about fruit, mate.
Oh, no, olive can cook all right.
Oh, come off it, Mum.
The last time she made an Irish stew, she put a cough mixture in it.
I thought it was gravy browning.
It wasn't her fault the glasses got steamed up.
She shouldn't have bent over the saucepan.
She had her reading glasses on.
She couldn't see the steam.
It was awful.
I don't know how we ate it.
Oh, well.
It may not have been tasty, but at least it was healthy.
Look, mate.
Olive may not be the greatest cook in the world, but what she makes is good
enough for a lot of scruffy busmen.
Now, look here, mate.
Those fellas can tell good grub from bad.
What?
Some of your mates can't tell the difference between a knife and a fork.
Now, look, Olive can make all sorts of tasty dishes if she wants to.
She always watches Fanny Craddock.
She watches Dr Kildare, but I wouldn't let her take me appendix out.
Now, now, I don't think she'd do that, you know.
No, she might have her wrong glasses on.
Now, let's stop all this arguing.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, you give Olive the job.
Mum, she wouldn't be able to manage on her own.
Oh, all right.
I'll give her a hand.
Oh, yes, Mum.
Now, what an idea.
Ah, good old Mum, now then.
Yes, the two of you, yes, you could manage, yes.
All right, I'll help you with the lunches.
Right-o, Olive, you start tomorrow morning at six o'clock.
You get the first teas out for the busmen.
Six o'clock?
Oh, Arthur, do you hear that?
It's hardly worth me going to bed.
Oh, right you are.
Hello, lads, hello.
Bert, what's the grub like today, eh?
It's not even ready yet.
Now, look, get your bloomin' cook to get a-movin'.
We'll do it.
All right, all right, how would I didn't know.
Hang on, hang on a minute, hang on.
Hey, hey, why ain't it ready?
You didn't tell me it was an electric stove.
What's wrong with it?
Olive, it's 20 minutes trying to light it.
Olive, what are you doing cutting the chips by hand?
It's a lovely chipping machine, it's lovely and sharp.
Oh, no.
Oh, don't tell me you caught both fingers in the chip and she chipped together.
No, she nicked her thumb when she was cutting the bandage for her finger.
Anyway, what have we got for lunch?
Well, we've got fish and chips, pudding and custard.
That's good.
Is it ready?
No, I'm afraid not.
I can't get this here, it starts to melt.
You know, it's the worst of these electric stoves.
They won't heat up.
It's been two hours on here.
Well, it's a funny smell, that's all I can say.
Let's have a look at it, yes, will you?
Come on, my mum, let's have a look, see what you've done.
Where's the knob?
Oh, blimey, mum, you got it on the wrong one.
Oh, well, no wonder it hasn't melted the fat.
No, but it's melting the sauce below it.
Yes, well, that was the funny smell, wasn't it?
Oi, Lightning, what about some graphite?
Now, now, keep calm, look, keep calm, mate.
We're trying to tradition up fresh, all right, that's all.
Now, see what you've done.
Where's the fish, come on, where's the fish?
I'll put it in the fridge.
All right, right.
No, not that one, that one there.
You idiot, that's a deep freeze.
It's all right, they're all cold.
They're not half bad, look at them.
I'll have to put them under the hot tap and thaw it out.
Oh, dear.
Well, it's all very well, I caught it half cold, so don't worry.
Oh, that'll ruin the flavour, it won't taste like fish.
It doesn't matter.
As long as it smells like fish, they'll be happy.
Well, some of these fillets are melting out.
That one ain't, no.
Look at that, a fish lolly.
These are all right.
Hey, Olive, get the taters ready.
I'll batter these fillets up.
All right.
Oh, what's the matter now?
This is not batter, it's custard.
Don't you know batter when you see it?
Not olives, I don't.
Blimey, I can't serve it up like this.
Do you think they'll notice?
Even busmen won't eat cod with fried custard.
Hey, Stan, what's your lot doing?
The lads are getting very restless, you know, they want their grub.
We've got to take the buses home.
All right, all right, keep your ear on, mate.
I just want to get this custard off this fish.
Mum?
Yeah?
Is the fat melted in that pan?
No, no, it won't, it won't melt.
Well, put it on the quick ring, the one that the saucepan was on.
Oh, yes, all right.
Oh!
Oh, it's got a lot of metal on this here.
Well, don't pick it up out with that thing.
Well, look at this, it's all covered in metal.
Stop picking it up out with that thing.
Oh!
That's it now, innit?
That's done it, innit?
You've blown a fuse.
I never touched a fuse.
I wasn't anywhere near it was, I love.
I don't mean that.
You've poked about, you've made a shot, and it's gone.
Oh, blimey, never mind, I'll have to fix a bit.
Jack, give us a hand, will you, mate?
Hang on, mate, hang on, don't touch that.
I won't get a shock.
You will if the shop stewards find out about it.
So what?
Look, as shop steward, I cannot allow that.
We cannot allow you mucking about with that.
You could bring the whole country to an halt.
It'd be Fords all over again.
All right, get the electrician in here, get him in here.
Can't do that.
Why?
He's having his lunch break.
Well, we can't keep it if the stove's off.
Do you think I could serve it up raw?
Raw?
Mum, we've got Indians.
We've got Pakistanis.
We've got Nigerians.
We've got all sorts here, but we haven't got Eskimos.
And let's serve it up with a nice sauce.
Oh, come now, I'll get something organised.
Leave it to me, leave it to me.
Dear.
Why are we waiting?
Why are we waiting?
Oh, why are we waiting?
Bob, don't they always have community singing in the lunch hour?
Well, it's not usual.
Do the busmen always sing this tune?
No, it's generally the passengers.
Built that way now.
So be ready.
Oh, you don't understand.
Obie's found an electrician.
Come on, then.
There we go.
What have you got there?
Here, I've got 30 portions of fish and chips.
I went over to Joe's bar and got them, you see.
So, get the plates out, get the plates out.
Here, open those, they're all in there, look.
Open them up.
Put them down there, pick them up for me.
You got those?
I'll go and have a word with Les, hang on.
Sorry about the wait, lads.
No, no, keep calm.
And if you've got your nice fish and chips, all fresh, you can come and get it,
it's ready.
All right, all right.
Stand back there, stand back.
Make way for the inspector.
Go on, get out of here.
We'd like you to have yours first.
Oh, thanks very much.
Just in case it's poisoned.
Here you are, Mr Warrior.
Here you are, back to the desk, back to the desk.
Got any more fish and chips out there, Olive?
Yeah, they're lovely.
What are you doing?
Having me lunch.
Go on, love you.
Oh, this is delicious, Mrs Butler, delicious.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Yes, I generally go across to Joe's fish bar, you know, for it, but it's never
as good as this.
I can see this is freshly cooked.
You know, when it comes to cooking, I'm a bit of a connoisseur, you know.
Oh, really?
Well, it's one of six a portion.
No, not one of six, Mum.
No, Mum, not one of six.
It's up there, look, on the sleeve.
It's not one of six.
One of six, that's very cheap, you know.
I say it's very cheap.
It cost me four bob a portion.
Blimey, what a day.
Oh, yeah, the organisation was a trifle chaotic.
How typical.
It's more to running a canteen than driving a bus, you know.
Oh, I don't think so bad.
I heard that we sold more meals than they had ever before.
Yeah, lost two and six on every one.
Yeah, well, of course, you do have to know how to count.
Shut up.
Sit down, Jack.
You doing all right, had you?
Wine, chicken, trifle?
Yeah, well, no-one home to get my supper, my wife earning a good pay packet.
I thought I could stretch myself to a few luxuries.
Mm-hm.
Well, it wouldn't make the most of it.
She's got the bullet.
Eh?
Why?
Why?
I've had a few words with the management.
They've agreed to run the canteen again.
I thought you were going to do it better than the management.
Oh, he did.
He lost more in two days than they lost in six months.
Yeah, I've jotted it down, look.
Have a look at that.
You're more down than out.
You've forgotten Olive's money.
Olive's money?
Blimey, she didn't do a stroke.
There's nothing in the union rules about that, mate.
You're a shop steward, am I right?
Oh, it's quite right.
She's entitled to a week's wages.
She ain't got hope.
No, no, no, it's quite right.
You paid Mrs Sharma.
Yeah, but that's different.
Mrs Sharma was an Indian.
Look, we can't have no discrimination.
You'll have to pay her, mate.
Maybe the lads will have a whip round for you later.
Maybe.
Oh, you must pay your debts.
Nah, forget it, Mum.
Now, look.
If you don't pay Olive, I will.
What with?
With the money you gave me to save for your holiday.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Now, now, now, don't argue.
Sit down and I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa for you and Jack for supper.
Cocoa?
Cocoa?
With an overpaid brother-in-law and an overpaid sister.
That's right.
Come on.
Get the chicken, mate.
Hey, what?
What do you think you're doing?