Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake,
did you have a good night's sleep?
Are you kidding?
With those mosquitoes dive-bombing me all night?
We're having unusually warm weather.
You also have unusually large mosquitoes.
Did you ever hear of screens?
Oh, yes, sir, we're getting new ones today.
Uh, Bobbie Jo, Mr. Blake needs some coffee.
What I really need is a transfusion.
Hey.
You know something?
You got some crazy hummingbirds
around this hotel.
Hummingbirds?
Yeah, they kept flying in my window last night,
stabbing me with those long beaks.
Oh, well, we're getting new screens today.
Well, either that or get me a hungry cat.
Good morning, Mr. Gordon.
Morning.
Man, I can't decide which of these sisters is prettier.
I see what you mean.
Hey, how would you girls like to double-date tonight?
Double-date?
Yeah, just the three of us.
How about some breakfast?
Uh, yes, sir, right away.
And fry up some of those mosquitoes.
Well, there'll be new screens today, Mr. Blake.
So I keep hearing.
Well, we're having
very unusual weather. Very unusual weather.
I know.
You think they're going to check out?
Not if we get those new screens up today.
Well, you'd better put
an extra pan of bacon on the stove.
A good breakfast will help take
their mind off the mosquitoes.
Okay.
Train's in, Mom.
Are the screens on it?
Must be.
Floyd said there's something in the baggage car for us.
Oh, at last.
Why aren't you down there helping unloading 'em?
Uncle Joe sent me away,
said he'd rather handle it himself.
Well, that's a lot of nonsense.
The more hands, the faster, it
Tell you, Bobbie and Billie can handle the breakfast,
and you and I will go help unload
those beautiful new screens.
With new screens, they don't get extra bacon.
Hey, Billie, you know something?
That Mr. Gordon's cute, but he's kind of a wolf.
Yeah, I know.
I worry about you being in there alone.
Here.
Uncle Joe?
I'll start carrying up the screens, Mom.
Yes, dear. Uh, Betty Jo
Two new salesmen?
Uh, well, uh, more like one.
Well, one's better than none.
Where is he?
Hey, you might say he's standing right here.
Oh, you're a salesman now?
Well, not exactly, no.
Uh, technically, it's more like a franchised agent.
Oh, fine.
Well, you tell me all about it
while we carry up the screens.
Huh? Look, Kate.
Huh?
Screens didn't come.
Oh, no.
Well, that's the last time
that I order screens through a magazine ad.
They said that if I would mail the money in advance,
that they would guarantee delivery withi
You did send the money, didn't you, Uncle Joe?
Oh, sure, I did.
Well, it was the last $70 we had in the world.
In fact, it's Billie Jo's college money.
Well, I know that, Kate.
Uncle Joe?
Tell me you didn't spend that money.
I didn't.
Oh.
I invested it.
Oh, in what?
What's in those suitcases?
144 cans of Lord and Lady Violet Cologne.
You call that an investment?
Well, wouldn't you?
You put out $70, you get back $140, maybe more.
I-I think I'd better sit down.
That's a good idea.
I'll explain finance to you.
Before you do that, explain what we're going to do
about the mosquitoes coming up from the swamp
that are biting us out of business.
Well, that's simple.
We'll leave the windows closed.
You see Uncle Joe,
this is the hottest Indian summer we've had in 50 years.
You didn't let me finish.
You see, when I double
or maybe triple your money on that cologne,
we can air-condition this entire hotel.
Uncle Joe.
I couldn't find any screens, Mom,
but these were down by the track.
Another 144 cans?
288 cans of little pressurized moneymakers.
This is only the first shipment,
and I talked 'em into giving me the exclusive franchise
for this whole half of the state.
Uh, honey, run quick to the kitchen
and tell Billie Jo to, uh, fry up some extra bacon.
Uncle Joe, uh, how could this happen?
I can't take all the credit, Kate.
It must have been the hand of destiny
that put that ad for screens
right next to this glorious opportunity
that I've been looking for all my life.
Here, read this.
My eyes are too full of tears.
I get misty-eyed, too, when I think of all the money
that's going to come rolling in.
I'm thinking of the money that's gone rolling out
Billie Jo's college money.
I'll send that girl
to one of the best colleges in the country.
Listen to this.
A Mr. A.J. Simmons of Lamar, Missouri
earns $90 a week in his spare time
as franchise agent for Lord and Lady Violet Cologne.
Did you hear that, Kate?
That's just in his spare time.
I'm going to work full-time.
That'll mean $200, $300 a week, more.
Uncle Joe, let's go have some breakfast.
Not for me.
I got work to do.
I got sales campaigns to organize,
distribution to map out, bookkeeping to set up.
Kate, can't you just hear opportunity knocking?
Hear it?
I got a splitting headache from it.
She's a fine little woman.
She just don't understand business.
Billie, you know why Mom's so worried
about the screens not coming?
Sure, she's afraid
those salesmen are going to check out.
No, more than that.
We're going to have royalty staying right here.
Royalty?
Uncle Joe says the Shady Rest Hotel is going to be
the headquarters of Lord and Lady Violet.
Well, who are they? Tell me about 'em.
Well, he went tearing off before I could ask.
He said he had to practice his presentation.
Well, we've got some practicing to do
if we're going to be presented to royalty.
Uh ♪
Bend.
Your Ladyship.
Charmed, your grace.
Good morning, ladies.
Could I have a moment of your time
to introduce Lord and Lady Violet?
They're here.
Uncle Joe, you should have told us.
Why, we're a mess.
Quiet, girls, you're making me forget my speech.
Has romance disappeared from your lives?
Has your husband or boyfriend lost interest in you?
Let Lady Violet bring back that gleam in his eye.
And for the man in your life,
we have a rugged, masculine fragrance Lord Violet.
Yes, girls, promise him anything but give him
Uncle Joe, what in the world are you talking about?
I'm talking about that new fragrance
that's set all London a-talking.
There's Lady Violet Cologne for females
and Lord Violet Cologne for males.
Cologne?!
This ain't ordinary cologne, lady.
Lord and Lady Violet represent a startling new breakthrough
in the field of smell.
Pee-yew!
What's burning?
Nothing, Mother, it must be Uncle Joe's cologne.
That's the smell you're hoping to get money for?
Now, Kate, the kitchen ain't exactly the place
to demonstrate a subtle fragrance.
Come on outside in the clear, pure, fresh air
and let Lady Violet have a fair shake.
I got plenty shook right here.
I don't need another whiff.
Now, come on, Kate.
Uncle Joe.
Honest, Joe, I, I really I, I, I don't want to
Oh!
Oh, Kate, stop clowning.
Who's clowning?
I don't want that stuff in my kitchen.
Oh, be fair, Kate,
you haven't even smelled Lord Violet for men yet.
It doesn't matter.
They all smell oh!
Oh, Mom, it can't be as bad as all th
Ooh!
Where did Uncle Joe get it?
I don't know.
Ask A.J. Simmons of Lamar, Missouri.
Who's A.J. Simmons?
Is he a friend of Uncle Joe's?
Yeah, you bet he is.
A.J. Simmons makes $90 a week just in his spare time.
He doesn't even have to budge out of Lamar, Missouri.
He'd better not if he knows what's good for him.
Mother just doesn't understand business.
Understand this business.
Now, you pack up all 288 cans of this stuff,
and we're taking 'em in to Sam Drucker's store.
Hey, now you're catching on, Kate.
That's a good idea.
I'll franchise Drucker for Hooterville.
What do you mean sell 'em to Drucker for 25 cents a can?
That's what I paid for 'em.
All I want to do is get Billie Jo's college money back
so I can buy new screens.
Kate, you still don't understand profit and loss.
If you sell at cost, it's bad business.
It's bad cologne.
I know, but saleswise and marketwise,
if you ain't got a markup, you take a beating profitwise.
We're already taking a beating mosquitowise.
Now, come on.
Howdy, Kate.
Hi. Joe.
Well, I don't know.
I'm satisfied with the brand
of coffee I've been selling.
Yeah, but Mr. Drucker, these are better coffee beans.
They're aged. So am I.
Can't say it helped me any.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got a couple of my favorite customers to wait on.
Mind if I check your stock in the back room?
No, go right ahead.
What'll it be, folks?
Well, uh, tell you the truth, Sam, uh,
we're not buying today, we're selling.
You, Kate, you're selling?
Well, Uncle Joe and I together are.
Against my better business judgment.
What is it you're selling
against your better business judgment?
Show him, Uncle Joe.
Lord or Lady?
Both.
Which one first?
Now, hold it, Sam.
Before you open that, I want to ask you a question.
Shoot.
Now, this may be a shot in the dark,
but did you ever make the acquaintance
of an A.J. Simmons in Lamar, Missouri?
No, who's he?
Never mind, Sam.
Your time is valuable and we don't want to waste it.
Thank you, Kate.
Oh, hey, I remember this stuff.
Lord Violet?
Uh, no, cologne.
I stocked six bottles of it in 1934.
Got five left, one broke.
That's the beauty of Lord Violet
Comes in a new unbreakable spray can.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, it's got that push-button gizmo.
I wouldn't do that, Sam.
Why not?
Well, you don't want to waste
one precious puff of Lord Violet
The rugged, masculine fragrance that drives women crazy.
I'll go along with that.
Excuse me.
Did I hear somebody talking about Lord Violet?
Yeah, why?
Well, that's the first line I ever represented.
Lord and Lady Violet cologne.
I was only 12 years old, answered an ad in a magazine.
Something about how a Mr. A.J. Simmons of Lamar, Missouri
earned $40 a week in his spare time.
You hear that, Kate?
$40 then, now it's up to $90.
We're not selling to Sam Drucker for cost,
we got a gold mine here.
Just a minute, Uncle Joe.
How well did you do with Lord and Lady Violet?
Well, I got my folks a new car out of it.
And you were only 12 years old? Yeah.
A bottle of it exploded in their car
and stunk it up so bad, they had to buy a new one.
Ah, don't listen to this salesman, Sam.
Just professional jealousy talking.
Why should I be jealous?
I don't sell cologne.
Eh, you bet you don't. This is our territory.
Forget it, Uncle Joe.
$70 wouldn't have started Billie Jo in college anyway.
And as for the screens,
we'll buy the guests flyswatters
and hope for cooler weather.
Bye, Sam.
Now you're talking, Kate.
We can sell that cologne for two dollars a can, minimum.
Ah, ah, Kate.
Wait a minute.
You got $70 tied up in this cologne.
Yeah, plus two of mine.
By taking two gross, I got it for 25 cents a can.
Pretty shrewd buying, hey, Sam?
Yes, it was; You cornered the market.
And that's bad for my business.
Uh, listen, Kate, will you sell me
the whole lot of it for $75?
No, thanks, Sam.
You bet no thanks.
He'd sell it for two dollars a can.
Let's see, uh, 288 cans that'd come to
Well, it'd come to a lot.
We might as well have it.
Listen, Kate, will you take $80?
Thanks, anyway, Sam.
Thanks for what?
Stealing the money out of our pocket?
Here's the train.
Let's get back to the hotel.
Thanks.
Kate, you get on back to hotel.
I'm gonna start house-to-house here in Hooterville.
Couple of hundred dollars
worth of daylight selling time left.
You're gonna sell 144 cans here in Hooterville?
There aren't that many people.
After I saturate this burg,
I'm gonna hit a few farms on the way back.
You're gonna walk all the way back to the hotel
with those heavy bags?
Well, they won't be heavy for long.
And paper money don't weigh much.
Okay, I'll see you back at the
hotel for supper.
Smell it and weep, Drucker!
This stuff's gonna put you out of business!
You're not kidding.
Take it easy, kid.
You're knocking yourself out.
Uh, I don't mind.
What happened to your helpers?
Yeah, where'd those big sisters of your disappear to?
They're waiting for the train.
Mother may be on it.
Those screens better be on it,
or I'll meet it on the way back.
Why don't you gentlemen come inside
where the mosquitoes won't bother you?
Ow!
You know, she's got a point there.
The big ones couldn't get through the door.
Let's give it a try.
It's cooler in there, too.
And I'll fix you some nice, cool lemonade.
Well, see if you can find
those nice, cool sisters of yours.
Thank you, boys!
Gee, did you have any luck, Ma?
Looks like you sold two cases.
Did Mr. Drucker buy 'em?
How much did you get? Hey, where's Uncle Joe?
L-Let's sit down a minute, girls,
and I'll answer your questions.
Now, starting with the last one "Where's Uncle Joe?"
He's between here and Hooterville
trying to peddle 144 cans of, um
pressurized disappointment.
What do you say, Fred?
How many cans of Lord Violet can I put you down for?
Well, I'll tell you, Joe.
Man in my line of business
ain't got too much need for cologne.
Here, pigs!
Here, pigs! Suey! Suey! Suey!
Say, Fred, has it ever occurred to you
that a pig farmer might be among those
most likely to offend?
Offend who?
Whoever he meets up with.
Well, a pig farmer meets up with the pig buyers.
They ain't any more fragrant than we are.
Get over, Alice.
Let Myrtle have some of that slop.
There you are.
Yeah, well, now about this cologne
you could set a style. Mm.
You go to market just once not smelling like a pig,
all the others'll want to jump on the bandwagon.
You don't seem to get the point.
A good pig man don't care.
He's got the smell of pigs in his blood.
I'm giving you an opportunity to get it out.
Here, I'll give you a free whiff Lord Violet.
No, I ain't
L-Look how that fits the hand.
All you got to do is just press that button like that.
How you like it? How you like it?
Ain't bad, is it?
You better sign up for a dozen cans right now
Not run the risk of me running out.
How much are they?
Well, now they retail in the city for,
uh, two dollars a can.
Good-bye. Now, wait a minute, Fred.
This ain't the city.
For you, Fred, 50 cents a can?
Well, now that's more like it,
but I don't need a dozen cans.
Half a dozen cans?
Well
Wh-What do they know?
They're only pigs.
Might be only pigs to you,
but to me and my wife, they're bread and butter.
Give 'em time to adjust to it.
No, I'm sorry, I'm not interested.
Where you going, Fred?
I'm going to the house and take a bath.
Well, here, take this Lord Violet with you.
If Ruthie likes it as well as you,
you might want to change your mind about it.
No chance.
I got to choose between my wife and the pigs,
I'll have to take the pigs.
Wait a minute, Fred.
How's Ruthie been looking to you lately?
What do you mean?
I mean, has she got that old charm,
that sparkle, that excitement?
Well, frankly, no.
Buddy
Right here in this suitcase,
I've got 72 cans of instant romance
Lady Violet.
Now, you let Ruthie sprinkle a little of this on
and you can't resist her
You'll be powerless to resist her.
You'll grab her in your arms,
you'll smother her with kisses.
Now, how many, how many cans are you gonna want
You open that thing,
and I'll take this stick to you. What?
Ruthie's a good cook and a hard worker,
but there's the ugliest woman the Lord ever let loose.
Ma?!
If we don't do something real quick,
Mr. Blake and Mr. Gordon are gonna check out.
Oh, dear.
I don't want to lose their business.
They're crackerjack salesmen.
Mom, I've got an idea.
If anyone can sell Lord and Lady Violet cologne,
it's those two.
Well, I'm sure of that, honey,
but how do we sell it to them?
Oh, I know how to do that.
You sit down.
Now, listen, Mom,
Mr. Gordon's sort of a wolf,
and he's always asking Bobbie and me for dates.
I know, I know.
Listen, I've got an idea.
We all alone?
Just you and me and the mosquitoes,
and I'm getting out.
If I'm gonna be a donor,
I'd rather give it to the Red Cross.
Checking out, Mr. Blake?
Screens come?
Not yet.
I'm checking out.
Please, Mr. Gordon!
We're talking about something very important.
Listen, Billie, uh, what kid of cologne
was the salesman wearing?
It was called Lord Violet.
Oh, that makes a man absolutely irresistible.
Oh, does it ever.
Gee, I wish I knew a boy who wore Lord Violet cologne.
You're too young.
What happened?
Anyway, Mother caught us necking on the porch.
Billie, he wasn't even good-looking.
I couldn't help myself; He was wearing Lord violet.
What happened after Mom caught you?
Mother ordered him away, but he left me two suitcases
full of Lord and Lady Violet as a present!
Oh, Billie,
you can sell it and make a fortune!
Why, I never thought of that.
Where is it?
It's right on the porch; I didn't want Mom to see it.
Well, come on.
Come on, Kate, will ya?
Hmm? Oh!
Uh, are you sure you won't stay for supper?
We're having fried chicken.
Look, by supper, I'll be too weak
to fight the mosquitoes for it.
Will you hurry up so I won't miss my train?
All right now, let's talk business.
You say it sold for a dollar a can?
That's what I heard.
How much for the whole works?
Gee, I don't know anything at all about business.
How about 50 bucks?
$90. $60.
$80. $70.
Sold.
Hey, Jim, I've taken on a brand-new line.
Oh, that Lord and Lady Violet cologne!
You've heard of it?
Mr. Blake, you're gonna miss your train.
Heard of it?!
You know, when I was a little kid,
I read an ad in a magazine
Some guff about a fella named, uh
Simmons.
Simmons
making $25-$30 a week selling this junk,
so I bit.
Never made a sale.
The smell got on my clothes, I couldn't get near a customer
close enough to make my pitch!
Even my own dog bit me!
The girls say it's great.
Maybe they've changed it, improved it.
If they've changed it, they've improved it.
Stand back, girls!
Look! It killed him!
No, it didn't; He's still breathing.
No, I-I mean the mosquito.
Look, there goes another one!
And another one!
And another!
Oh, my goodness, they're they're dropping like flies.
I mean, mosquitoes.
Give me that.
Hey, look at 'em fall.
How 'bout that?!
Man, it really stones them.
Give me back my insecticide!
I've got the hottest new item here since DDT.
Hey, girls, could you give me a hand?
Hey, two more cases!
These are mine!
Oh, no they're not.
Are these full?
All 144 cans.
I'll give you 75 bucks for both of them.
I'll make it $80. $85.
$90. $100!
Sold!
There you go.
Hey, Jim!
Wait a minute, Jim!
Let's make a deal!
We'll split the territory!
Kate, Kate, look what I just did!
Sold out for 100 bucks.
I told you that was good cologne.
And I still got half my stock left.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Billie Jo sold the other two cases for $70.
$70?
She just lost me 30 bucks.
When are you women gonna
learn you don't belong in business?
From now on, leave these things to me.
Yeah, yes, Uncle Joe.
What's A.J. Simmons gonna think?
Yes, Uncle Joe.
I'll bet he hasn't got four females holding him back.
Yes, Uncle Joe.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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