Piglets (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

OK, just need to
take a few details.
Can I start by taking your name?
Er, yes, it's Lindsey.
Lindsey Brown.
OK, Lindsey, Lindsey Brown. Is
that your vehicle out there?
The 2012 Ford Focus with
the faulty brake light?
Erm, yes, I'm getting it
fixed. Good, make sure you do.
Let's start at the beginning.
Well, your Rishi is settling
in very well. Mm-hm.
He's made some friends, which,
first time at a new school,
it's never easy.
Is he getting good
marks, though?
LINDSEY INHALES
How good is "good"?
Good enough to go
to Oxford at 12,
become CEO of a major
international bank
and treat me to a yearly
round-the-world cruise
without my husband.
He did this lovely
picture of a butterfly.
Mm. That's a start.
Hi. Ah! Now, I never
forget a face. Oh.
It's, er, Mr Lapland, isn't it?
HE LAUGHS Former trainee.
Yeah, no. Listen, I was wondering
if you could do me a favour.
Not something I do, as a rule.
Actually, not something I've
ever done, now I think of it.
OK, look, I know that you're
a rash, impulsive woman.
That's what I love about
you, but inevitably,
there will be a day where you
make a decision you regret.
I regret having you
in the first place.
Now you sound like my mum.
I am not your therapist,
Legland. OK. Erm, right
Look, well, seeing as my parents
have let you have discretion,
what if was to apologise
for Daz's groin?
You know, maybe kiss it better?
Oh, dear. Have we changed our mind?
Do we suddenly want to stay
and do the nasty "twaining"?
I wouldn't put it that
strongly, but, er, I would say
that I'm prepared to give
it another chance. Hm.
Well, what about the backchat?
The relentless wit and repartee?
I'll let you continue
that, within reason.
Mm. You drive a hard bargain.
No, I drive a Honda Civic.
And we're off. So am I back?
Get lost. Is that a yes?
Trot on, fuck
pig. Thanks, babe!
All right, mate. How was
your drama group last night?
Yeah, good, man. You know,
we worked on being sad,
but as our favourite
animal, so I had Hang on.
What? What you doing here?
Well, this is the way
to the lockers, right?
But you left us, mate, remember?
What, left this place? What?!
Thought you said you
were chucked out.
Ah, that. Yeah, mate, that
was a joke, all right?
Obviously. That's
such a relief!
No, I kinda knew you
were winding us up.
No, you didn't, Paul.
All right, I didn't, but I wished
really hard that he was, so
Leggo! You're still with us.
Let me guess,
you've always known.
What? Known what?
Dunno. Everything.
Stephanie knows everything.
ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hey!
LAUGHING: What was that?
You're not supposed to be here.
Yeah, well, you
sound glad that I am.
What? No.
What, so that "Hey" was like, "Hey!
Oh, shit, that fucker's back."
No, not exactly. It was just
a a reaction of surprise.
OK, let's hear it again.
DISINTERESTEDLY: Hey.
Oh, come on, it wasn't
quite like that.
Again. FEIGNING
INTEREST: H Hey.
Mm, yeah, better.
How come you're back? Love.
I just love the place.
They also begged me not to go.
They didn't wanna lose
their brightest student.
Why would they
lose me? HE SCOFFS
I guess, if I was gone, they'd just
assume you'd died of a broken heart.
Big announcement today.
Oh, you getting engaged?
Well, not as far as I know. I
think Melanie is referring to
the new Director of
Training announcement.
Yeah, I know she is, Bob, because
I'm across that kinda thing,
and I don't need Melanie kicking
me up the arse to remind me.
Well, good luck, both of us.
And may the best man win.
I am more man than
he will ever be,
and I'm strangely confident
that luck won't come into it
now that I've identified
the infiltrator.
MELANIE GASPS
Thanks for playing,
and remember, nobody goes home
empty-handed on this show.
Oh, no, hang on. You do. But
did you have a good time?
Oh, yes, I have, thank
you. Yes. Been amazing.
No, no, no, don't say that.
What? I forgot, yes.
Have? Thanks for playing,
Julie. Have you had a good time?
Have you got one single
original thought in your head?
Well, I Have I, Melanie?
All right, kiddies.
So, today, we're working on
cardio pulmonary resuscitation,
aka C-P-R. Yeah?
We're supposed to have a rescue
dummy, but Daz borrowed it.
Hasn't brought it
back. Not sure why.
BOTH: Sex.
So, er, one of each
pair lie on the floor,
the other one kneel
next to them, yeah?
Now, following
chest compressions,
we wanna begin giving
rescue breaths.
Now, to ensure that
the airways are open,
you wanna tilt the head
back and lift the chin.
Go on.
Er, no, no, no. No, that's
wrong. That's wrong, that.
Why is that wrong? Er,
it's it's wrong.
The thing that you
were doing was wrong.
Erm, let's, er
Somebody else swap in.
I tell you what,
Huggins, up you get.
You swap with Steph Student
Officer Jackson. All right.
I don't Why
can't I just do it?
No, just cos faulty technique.
All right, down you get.
So, like I said, to ensure
that the airways are open,
you wanna tilt the head
back and lift the chin.
Right, head back.
OK, now, to make sure
the airways are clear,
you wanna blow into
the subject's mouth.
Yeah, nah, I'm not sure about this.
My airways are completely clear.
They do sound pretty clear.
I mean, he is talking.
Huggins, give two
rescue breaths,
and watch his chest to
see if it rises. Yeah?
Really?
OK. O OK.
There you go. Just do it.
All right. Oh, God.
SQUELCHING
Are his airways clear? Yes.
How do you know? I didn't see you
check his chest to see if it rises.
Well, I felt them with
my tongue. You what?
Yeah, just, like, put my tongue
down his throat, wiggled it,
felt about a little bit, seen
what bits and bobs were in there,
and, no, nothing. No
blockages detected.
You're not supposed
to use your tongue,
you just blow down and check
to see if his chest rises.
What? Oh. Oh, I did not
know that. Sorry, mate.
All right, you can
get up now, Legland.
Legland! GEETA: I
think he's fainted.
No, he's only pissing
about. He's fine.
My God, it's like Sleeping
Beauty in reverse.
Would that be, like, manslaughter?
For God's sake, he's
Leggo?
Leg Oh, my God. Leggo!
Leggo? HE GASPS
THEY GASP Jesus!
I could be. Was I
dead for three days?
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
Get off.
Right. The panel meets at three.
I'll give you one last chance to
tell me who the traitor is or
else.
Did Melanie make you say
that? Not to tell you that.
No, and I'm not telling
you who the traitor is.
Is it Is it Is
it Stephanie Jackson?
Why her? I don't know.
Something to do with
It's her hair. No,
you're never gonna guess.
And anyway, even
if you did guess,
I wouldn't tell you
if you were right.
Is it Legland? Never
liked the cut of his jib.
Legland has just been
spending the last two weeks
trying to get out of here.
Does that really strike
you as mole behaviour?
Well, not unless he was
tunnelling, I suppose.
My God, you wouldn't guess it if
it was staring you in the face.
Oh, my God, is it you?
Jesus, no, it is not me.
Why would I be doing all
of this if it was me?
Cos someone's injected
you with a truth syrup.
No.
I don't know. I don't
know. I give up.
You're a police officer, Bob.
You're not supposed to give up.
I know. Is it Is
it the Home Secretary?
Not a student at this college.
Is it Is it Jason Bourne?
Fictional. Are you sure? Yes.
In any case, I've already sent off
the name to the powers that be.
This invaluable intel
will be the clincher
for anybody who wants
Cunningham's job.
Well, for your information,
I actually do know who it is.
Just said Jason fucking Bourne.
Steph.
Bet you're looking forward to that
criminal psychology module, yeah?
OK, you're gonna
say I'd be great
at getting inside the head
of a deranged stalker.
I mean, nice idea,
but, er, I wasn't.
Yeah. Well, that
was the old Steph.
Well, maybe the new Steph
fancies a drink later.
Sorry, what? I'm I'm actually
just getting confused now
cos there's old Steph, new Steph,
Steph A, Steph B I meant you.
Me what? A drink,
you know, in the bar.
W-With you there as well?
That's the idea, yeah.
I I don't think
that's a good idea.
Wh Why not?
Because, Mike, you messed
me about all this time.
Why should I trust you?
Because I'm a policeman, yeah?
Yeah, you were a policeman
when you messed me about.
OK, but just a quick little drink.
What are you so worried about?
Closure. It's open
till half ten.
No, I mean, been
there, done that.
OK, it doesn't have to be that
bar. We can go to the place
Right, OK, yeah. I'll
think about it, OK?
I will I'll get back to you.
WHISPERS: Yes!
No, it's all quiet over here.
Out the ordinary? No, nothing.
No, cos listen to this, I talked my
way out of a tricky spot yesterday.
Yeah, no-one's
sussing me, I promise.
Gotten away with it.
Cheers. DOOR SLAMS OPEN
On the floor! On the floor!
What's on the
floor? The floor!
I'm looking, I
can't see anything!
You get down
on the floor now!
On your knees! On your
knees! Please don't shoot me!
Please don't shoot me! Hands
on the back of your head!
Identify yourself.
Straight, I like girls.
No, women, I like women.
What's your name? Paul.
Full name! Paul
Corleone Huggins.
Corleone? Yeah.
Stay still! Secure the target.
OK, I'll be still. So
still, I swear to god.
OK, now stand up slowly. Can
I please use the bathroom?
What? Well, I think
I need to clean up.
Clean up?
Yes, I think I might
have touched cloth.
Move! Oh, he's
not joking, sarge.
I really, really
need to use the lav.
The cloth is quite
badly touched.
Thank you, Gavin.
No worries. It was nice
to have a little run-out.
It's been a quiet week.
Dismissed.
I'm so sorry. Huggins.
Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul.
Yes, milady. Ma'am.
Ma'am. That's
what could happen.
Do you see? It did happen.
Well, I know it did, but only as
an example of what could happen.
You mean it might happen again?
Ah, now you're getting
the hang of it.
I don't understand.
The three words which, no doubt,
will be inscribed on your tombstone,
which may be slightly
sooner than you'd like.
You saying I'm gonna die?
We're all gonna die,
Huggins sooner or later.
I'm just saying you might be tipping
the scales towards the former,
if you know what I mean.
I don't think I do, no. I
know who you are, Huggins.
Well, I'm Huggins.
No, I-I-I don't mean
your name, Paul Huggins.
I know who you are, I know
who your family are. Oh.
So am I a dead duck?
Oh, no. Far from it.
You're just about to fly off to
another lovely little pond, ducky.
HE RETCHES Sorry.
What? Sorry, I just really
don't like the sound of that.
Look, let me just
make this simple.
I am recruiting, and you
are working for us now.
I already was.
No, not like that.
As a double prune. What?
A mole within a
mole. Oh! What?
OK, look, and this
may sound redundant,
but just try and act dumb.
OK, I'll try, but I
can't make any promises.
Of course. So does
everyone else know?
What, in here? No, just me. Think
it's probably better that way.
I mean, I wouldn't have to, like,
rat on my family now or anything?
Hush now. Shh.
We don't need to go into
silly detail like that, do we?
No, we do not. SHE CHUCKLES
Over time, you may need to feed
back intel on criminal activity,
but I need you to do something
really important for me right now.
OK? WHISPERS: What's that?
I need you to change
your trousers.
Yes, Madam.
Finished. Bollocks you are.
Piece of piss. No.
Daz, you do know that each
column, each row and each grid
has to have the numbers
one to nine, no repeats?
HE SNORTS Bullshit.
Life's too short for that.
Length of life has
nothing to do with it.
What What have
you been doing?
I've just been writing the numbers
I like in the blanks, like eight.
It's a sexy number, is eight.
Reminds me of a woman's body.
And zero-zero,
that's like boobs.
It is, yeah, but that's
not how you play it.
No, that's not how YOU play.
That's not how any
human beings play it.
My way's better. No, it's not.
Yeah, it is. Sudoku porn.
Sexy body, pair of boobs,
zero-one-zero, a cock and balls.
Guys, guys. You're not
gonna believe this, yeah?
I've just been offered a role
for this new TV cop show.
My God! Ha-ha!
You're joking me!
That's amazing! Yeah, man.
I knew that Devon Hansell when
he was a struggling nobody.
I always said you
had what it takes.
No, you didn't. No, I didn't.
Hello, everyone. It's a
pretty normal day, innit?
Like, nothing life-changing
happening here.
Well, no, apart from Dev, he's just
got a part in a new TV cop thing.
God, that is amazing. I mean,
I love police shows so much.
I mean, I've always had a
dream to be a policeman, so
You realise you're
training to be one?
Yeah, sorry, I just forgot
who I was there for a moment.
Who you playing?
Er, Victimone. I'm
thinking Italian. Ooh!
What does he do? Ep 1,
erm, found in the woods.
Oi! Ep 2, I'm in the mortuary.
Ep 3, open-casket wake, yeah?
Ep 4, I'm buried and then dug
up again for a second autopsy,
and Ep 6 Don't know what
I'm doing episode five.
Maybe improv something,
but, yeah. Big role.
"Victimone".
Are you sure it
isn't "Victim One"?
It could be, yeah. Right.
Dev, you're not an actual
part. You're a corpse.
All right.
I did not shit myself. What?
Who?
Sir!
I'm stuck. No, no, not
stuck. There we Ah!
Oh, yeah, yes, Melanie?
A little bird has just told
me that Superintendent Spry
has not been named as the
new Director of Training.
Oh, no! No, no, no!
No, no, it's fantastic.
It means it has to be you.
Let's just hope she
takes it in good spirit.
Can I have the key
to the gun cupboard?
Do we have a gun cupboard?
Sorry, not gun, I mean
stationery cupboard.
No, I mean gun cupboard.
Have you any, erm, any
news on the top-dog job?
I didn't get it. MELANIE GASPS
Oh, I'm so sorry. Sad and
sorry, sad, s-sad, sad, sad.
Oh, and neither
did Bob. Oh, bum!
If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna
go and do some special filing.
Double bum!
Oh, it's always darkest
before the dawn.
Worse things happen
at the seaside.
I mean, nobody died
did did they?
You will if you come out with
any more meaningless cliches.
Well, it's not the end of the
potato.
They gave the job to
somebody else, Bob.
We gave it our best shot.
And I thought we were
both excellent candidates.
Clearly, they found
someone fresh and exciting
to lead us into a
wonderful new
Ah, Bob, Julie.
Well, well, it's great
to be back at the helm.
Oh, I'd love a tea, if
you've got a moment. What?
HE CHUCKLES Tea. Cup of tea.
Chief Superintendent Cunningham,
er, did you forget something?
Well, I forgot how much
I missed the old place.
But it's certainly great
to be back in charge.
No? Sorry, in charge of?
The college. Well,
con con
congratulations to
Which one? This one.
But But you were You You
You were relieved of your position.
Reinstated on appeal,
and rightly so.
But you fashioned yourself as
Stephen Hawking at a public event.
Ah, yes, turns out, leaving
dos are not considered public.
Also turns out,
it helps if you play pickleball
with the head of the appeals panel.
Well, as long as it's
consensual, I'm sure that's fine.
Plus, cherry on the cake, our
superiors were mightily impressed
that I identified the prune
that had wormed its way into
the nest down here. What?
Sorry, yes, one of my sergeants
passed your information onto
yours truly. But you,
er you did tell, er,
the superiors that, er, the
information came from me, yeah?
Did I? Well, probably,
I don't know.
Something may have got
lost in translation.
Where's that tea got to?
I'll get it.
Oh, at ease, at ease.
Didn't know you
smoked, ma'am. Mm.
Thought now would be a
good time to start. You OK?
Yeah. Sometimes, I'm just
sick of the kids, that's all.
Home life getting you down, is it?
I meant my classmates in there.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, you are proving to
be a great student, Geeta.
You're a great superior
officer, ma'am.
Well, I know, I know.
If only everybody had the
clarity and wisdom to see it.
More fool them. You're a
woman of the world, Geeta.
I am. As am I. I've
walked the streets.
Not as a tart, as a warrior,
discovering the realities of life.
We live a life burdened with
responsibilities, ma'am.
You know, I'm not a
mother like you, Geeta,
but I am mother to
all of those students.
Yeah, and it requires
strength Mm.
and compassion.
Mainly strength.
There's an undercurrent
of compassion.
Nah, not really.
No, no, there is. I can
see it in your eyes.
Can you? Yeah.
In my eyes? Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I was heading for the door, and
I forgot you were in the way.
Of course. Oh, ha!
I think I may have accidentally
er, bashed your lips a little bit.
Just a bit of a collision.
Bit of a collision.
Ha! Well, anyway, good chat.
Yeah, we speak the
same language, ma'am.
Ah, au revoir, Geeta. Hola!
Erm, Melanie? Ooh!
Erm, would you?
No, Melanie
Oh, I s Right, I was just
gonna say, er, thank you.
Oh, what for?
For supporting me, being on
my side, fighting my corner.
Oh, well, it's nothing, really.
Er, also, I just wanted
to ask you something.
Erm, I've got a, erm
superintendents' charity
dinner next week,
and and they've
they've given me a plus-one.
Oh. Have they?
Yes, yes, and as you
know, I'm very much, er,
on my own some lonesome, you
know, bit of a Bobby No-Mates,
er, so, erm, I was just
wondering if you Yes.
would cancel the,
er, the plus-one
cos it is probably just
a clerical error. Course.
Yeah, thank you. Will do.
Thank you, Melanie. Mm-hm.
Oh, now, nearly
forgot. SHE GASPS
If you could deliver
those to Auntie Bridget
Got the address there. Needs to be
there by the morning. Thank you.
Thank you, Melanie. Good
night. SQUEAKS: Good night.
I'll catch you lot up.
You're sitting in a police car.
I've always wanted
to sit in one, so.
Can I join you? Mm-hm.
Kebab? See I'm carb-loading ahead
of a dangerous level of drinking.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Suit yourself.
Oh, actually, I'll
have just one bite.
OK. Mm.
Oh! Oh, I see what
you mean, this is
Oh, this is nice!
That is really good.
OK, yeah, now you're
enjoying it too much.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, a little bit.
This is delicious.
It's like eating
a massive vagina.
Is this, like, a date?
LAUGHING: No. Oh.
Good because I
I wouldn't want you
getting the wrong idea
and getting really
turned on by me.
Don't worry, that is
not happening. HE LAUGHS
Actually, erm,
Mike asked me out.
Oh. Wow. Yeah.
I should go, right?
HE INHALES He's the real
reason you signed up.
Suppose he is.
So what you gonna say?
Actually, erm You ready?
Yeah.
And, er, step out
the vehicle, Legland.
It's not a toy, yeah?
Steph!
Kebab. ENGINE STARTS
Sorry. THEY LAUGH
How do I look? Perfect.
Bit greasy. Yeah.
HE SIGHS
Hello, sunshine.
Cos I've been a good boy, I'm
out of this playpen for good.
HE INHALES, EXHALES
But as a farewell gesture,
I am nicking you for littering
His Majesty's tarmac.
Your balls still
burning, Peppa Pig?
Ha-ha. Ugh!
Fuck!
MAN: Pauly, get in the car!
I can't get in. Open the doors!
SIRENS BLARE Come
on, it's locked.
Jump in the car.
Wait, pull me in!
Pull me in! Just
get in, you knob.
Pull me in, my legs
are gonna fall off!
Er, mate? Mate?
Come on now. Oh, bollocks.
I didn't touch him! Hey,
that was an accident!
It was an accident!
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