President Curtis (2026) s01e06 Episode Script
Hollow
1
Oh, shit.
Medallion's on us!
Good call,
Mr. President!
Watch out! They're in
the bushes. Thanks, bro.
I got it.
I would have gotten it faster.
Why can't I just play?
Because this is work.
Playing "Battleswag"
with the American people
is basically my fireside chat.
Peterson, I see you're
in Madison, Wisconsin.
Spill the cheese.
Well, sir, I had
a job interview today
and I think I bombed it.
What field are you in?
Accounting, sir.
Send your résumé to the VA.
I'll have my Chief of Staff
flag it.
Consider that shit flagged.
Wow! Thank you, sir!
President Curtis!
Ah! Mikayla
in Jacksonville, Florida!
College student at UNF.
She's a regular.
Mikayla,
how'd that calculus exam go?
I'll tell you after you open
your fucking eyes!
They're baiting you!
Ooh, must have blown a fuse.
Aw, damn it. I had AI chatbots
writing "Pulp Fiction,"
but with the Muppets.
Okay, more than a fuse.
Power's out across four states.
Eh, probably just a blip.
Back to work!
Sir, the Department of Defense
called to say
that power outage wasn't
just a blip.
They're probably
Divorced scientist Dr. Keel
requested an emergency meeting.
Ugh, the chart guy?
He's always pitching me boring
shit to fix nothing-burgers.
Tell him I'm working
with the American people.
Hey, nice shot!
You need some ammo?
Hell yeah. That'd be great.
Oh, man. You know
what else would be great?
Being at the meeting to discuss
America's energy crisis.
Dr. Keel?
All right, fine. I'm coming up.
But first
everyone kill this narc!
Ah! What buttons
do I press?!
Aah!
Ooh, Battleswag!
He turned into a chest
of emeralds.
- All right!
- Yay!
Four more years!
Thank you for coming,
Mr. President.
Oh, eat my ass, Dr. Keel.
I blocked you on "Battleswag."
Well, here's something
that you can't block
America's power grid
is overworked
and in danger
of indefinite collapse.
Sloppy transition as always,
but how do we fix it?
Not to be vulgar, sir, but
we need to tighten our shit up.
Energy caps,
taxation based on
What?! No!
Restricting power is un-American
and a straight-up Bummerville.
There has to be another way
to get tons of power
without bogging down the people.
Captain Marks, you
don't have to raise your hand.
Sir, what you're describing is
in Hollow Earth.
The natives call it
the Life Tree
A source
of truly infinite power.
We could go down there
with a giant plug
and take their energy,
but, I mean
no one here
wants to do an "Avatar."
- Oof.
- No, thank you.
Well, obviously not.
I said the same thing to Clinton
when we went down there
the first time.
Although back then, we called it
a "Dances with Wolves."
I thought you were gonna
say "Pocahontas."
- "Fern Gully."
- What's "Fern Gully"?
"Avatar," but good.
Nerds! Focus!
Janice, you've been
to Hollow Earth?
Haa Nah.
That's how the Daaboo say "yes."
And also "nipple butter."
Oh, but they hate us now.
We tried to exploit them.
It didn't go well.
It's been hard
to make them understand
we're not
the same people we were.
Well, they haven't met
Andre Curtis.
Curtis is a man of the people.
He reaches out
and takes big swings.
And we should, too.
If anyone can strike
a fair energy deal,
it's this administration.
Fantastic point.
Guys, we don't need to go
to Hollow Earth
or take big swings.
We just need to restrict usage.
Well, that settles it.
We're going to Hollow Earth.
And, Janice, you're coming with.
- Whoo, out of office, baby!
- Great.
So you're not listening to me
and I'm not invited.
You know, "Avatar" saved 3-D!
There she is,
the Hollow Earth Elevator.
Ah! You know it used to be
just a bungee cord platform?
I am pumped for this, sir.
Getting a chance to help
Americans and make new allies?
You're gonna crush this.
We're gonna crush this.
I want you to be
my right hand, Banks.
Make sure America
keeps this aboveboard.
Fucking dream team.
Mm.
And, O'Doyle.
You protect Janice.
Sir?
She's essential, O'Doyle.
You think Luke would leave C-3PO
to rot on a critical mission?
Actually don't answer that.
Janice is the only one
who knows the natives'
language and culture.
I need my best man
protecting her.
Your best man
respectfully passes.
No. He doesn't.
Fine.
I will remove my personal oath
of protection from you.
Place your head upon my chakra.
Athrym Mo Me Hoyem.
Just say
you love each other, guys.
This is purely transactional!
Boop éy.
Boop éy.
It is done.
All right, people!
We're gonna do it cool
and aboveboard.
Let's roll!
Wow, kinda thought
the inside would be bigger.
Does, uh, anyone happen
to have my brand of deodorant?
Isn't this grand, Francis?
You and me in Hollow Earth?
We can really get to know
each other.
Ma'am, it's a security detail.
These are my 18 grandkids,
starting with the uggos.
Kill me.
Wow.
Are you guys seeing this place?
It's dripping with energy!
Oh, Janice, you were right.
It's so beautiful
Oh, fuck!
A leggy worm!
Ma'am! Get behind me!
Don't shoot!
That's a leg-gee-gee!
It's sacred!
Holy shit, Janice!
See? This is why you
always bring a protocol droid.
Goodoo me doo-woooo.
Goodoo!
Janice, tell them we apologize
for our past administration's
mistakes,
and we've come
to make a fair deal.
Boo-gaa.
Phoo troo yoo ma-roo?
Ee-Yoo. Ee-Yoo.
Although I'm wary
of all Crusties,
it is cool that you cared enough
to bring a Kaka-Mundo.
One who speaks like the Daaboo.
You know English?
Your Clin-ton left
an Us Weekly down here.
We used it to teach ourselves.
Tell us,
is Backstreet still back?
Janice? Janice! My love!
Toomoo! Oh, Toomoo!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
I must say, you have super big
balls coming down here again.
But your Kaka-Mundo
has softened our hearts, so
I'm listening.
Thank you, Koochoo.
As a peace offering, we've
brought gifts from above
Crocs and Kirkland's version
of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
It is customary for a gift giver
to drink their own piss
before anyone accepts a gift.
You have to drink
Hmm? your own piss first.
Yeah, yeah, no, I heard.
But is there
Uh, can I get a reason?
To show that you are
pure of heart and body.
Hey, we take big swings, right?
Right. Um, yes.
Okay, I'm just gonna
go over here.
Koochoo,
I'm not gonna play around.
In exchange for your energy,
I'd like to offer you statehood.
A chance to join our
great nation. Pass.
How about ecological protection?
Or statehood?
Hey, get your own star,
maybe a football team?
Please.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Mmmm, nope.
Mnh-mnh. No.
Oh, what's happening?
Hu Here we go.
Ah! I did it!
America did it!
Thank you.
And as for our deal,
we just want
50,000 Toyota RAV4s.
Huh?
Us Weekly said it's not a toy,
but that doesn't mean it won't
make you feel like a kid again.
Uh, Banks
can you put in an order
for 50,000 RAV4s?
The all-new 1996 model.
Done.
What do you say?
Vroom-vroom!
This is a momentous day.
Today, we solved
America's power crisis
by adding the energy of friends.
- Aww!
- Aww!
Flying in the plug!
Okay, so how do we patch in?
Should we just start
stripping the wiring or
I dunno. You should
probably ask the people
who supply the tree's power.
I thought the tree is the power.
Oh, it totally was,
but then we used it all.
Now we get our power
from the Moss People below us.
You're telling me
after we did this whole thing
and drank piss we have to talk
to someone else?!
Well, they certainly
won't talk to us.
We've exploited them a lot.
Also, our RAV4 vroom-vroom deal
still stands
because you'll need to run
power through our world.
God damn it! Just take us
to the power source!
Toomoo! As elder, you are
in charge in my absence.
Very well. I will pause
from the best lovemaking
of my entire life
to lead our village.
- Aww!
- Sir? For the love of God.
My job can't be to hang out
and hear a grandma have
gross old-people sex.
She's their Kaka-Mundo.
Your job is whatever it needs
to be to keep her safe.
Mm! Tiny kisses
My favorite.
See you tonight?
You bet your noodly biscuits.
- Bye, my love!
- Bye, cutie!
Ugh, gross!
Come on!
Sorry.
Shirt got caught on my bomb.
Wait. What?
Yeah, when I was younger,
I signed up to be
the last line of defense in case
a hostile force ever took
control of the Oval Office.
Holy shit.
Well, I had a womb. I figured,
"Why not weaponize it?"
They called me the first
"Kamikaze Secretary."
Okay, that's bad-ass.
Heh. You wanna see bad-ass?
I'll show you
how to use your tongue
to control a 60-foot worm.
And not in a gross way.
Whoa!
See? Our tree's plugged
into the Life Rock,
like I said.
Shulu shulu! Shu-boo!
Shulu shulu!
No, no, no, no, no.
Shu-gadoo gulu.
They're just yelling
obscenities at us.
Mostly mom stuff.
Bugadu. Dudu ma!
No! Don't yell back!
That's insane!
Tell them we've come
to negotiate
- in good faith.
- Shu-boo shulu.
For your piss.
Wait, me again?
Why me?
Finally, some leaders who aren't
dishonest green douche bags.
- You're a cool guy.
- It's kinda my thing.
Yeah, well,
he made a deal with us first.
We're getting 50,000 RAV4s.
Then we want 50,000 RAV5s.
Uh, they didn't make RAV5s.
Okay, hardball.
60,000 RAV4s.
Before I agree to anything,
I want proof this is
the main source of power.
Uh we're plugged into
the level below us,
but you can't run power through
here without cutting us in.
What the fuck, guys?!
Nice clicking, Francis.
Next time,
use a little more throat.
Yes, ma'am.
You know what'll help?
Daaboo ice cream.
They serve it so hot, it'll put
calluses on your larynx.
Now go find us a rock to sit on.
Back in a jiff!
Okay, rock.
Looking for a rock.
All the rocks are
on the ceiling.
That son of a
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
I'm just having sex
with two women.
What's your problem?
Don't you think that's,
you know, a little much?
What if Janice saw?
Look, I don't know
how it is on the crust,
but down here,
we got a saying
The more leaves on the plant,
the more you should rub
your dick on it.
Listen to me, you slut.
I care about Janice,
so if you hurt her,
I will beat
your green witch face so hard,
you won't be able
to see a woman,
let alone touch her!
But they could still touch me,
right?
They won't want to.
Oh, my God, you suck so bad!
- You exploited us!
- It's your fault!
- Get your mushroom off of me!
- And now you suck even more.
Guys! Fuck!
It's hot and I'm tired
and America is out
hundreds of thousands
of '90s-style RAV4s
that we don't even have!
Wait, are we the only ones
who asked for Oakley sunglasses?
I want to renegotiate!
No! No more deals!
America is done being
played for a fool! Aah!
What?
What the hell is this?
The source of all our power.
It's like an infinite
wireless battery or something.
It's a spaceship, you dunce.
Looks like it crashed into
the Earth's crust centuries ago.
Wait, there's something inside.
Did any of you
even bother to open this?
Why would we open a battery?
Oh, my Goooood!
Look at these things! Mwah!
They're adorable!
Sir, the power isn't
coming from the ship.
It's coming from the Gobobears.
By the way,
I also just named them that.
Perfect name.
Aww! And look!
They reproduce via mitosis.
Wow, and they do it fast.
I'm not really seeing
the big deal here.
Open your
eyes, mushroom lady! Mwah!
They would have given you all
infinite, sustainable power!
Mwah! None of this
was necessary! Mwah.
You idiots didn't need
to plug in or exploit at all!
Please, you don't have to yell.
Oh, my gosh.
Sir, calculating based
on the speed of reproduction,
all we need is two of these to
fix America's grid. Mwah. Mwah.
We'll leave the rest
to be free-range.
Not that they deserve them!
Fine! Let's get the hell
out of here.
- We do deserve them!
- But my RAV4!
Eat my ass.
And lose America's number.
Not cool!
O-Ow. Ow!
Shit!
You weren't kidding.
Oh!
How are you eating this?
Oh, I don't listen to my body
when it whines.
You're my hero.
Come on, guys!
We're leaving!
Now? But Toomoo.
Oh, shit.
O'Doyle, grab the Gobobears!
Mwah.
Wow, their eyes are huge. Mm!
Oh, there's my man!
Toomoo, honey!
We're leaving!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh
Janice! Come on!
The Gobobears aren't
getting any cuter.
Oh, how dare you!
My fellow Americans
the nerds wanted to put
restraints
on American electricity,
but I figured out
how to give you
even more
unlimited energy forever!
- Aww!
- Aww!
This is Two-Toes.
One of several
miraculous creatures
we freed from the deep dangers
of Hollow Earth.
And thanks to some
rad-ass energy-absorbing tech.
We've not only stabilized
the grid
We've done it adorably.
- Mr. President!
- Mr. President!
Sir, American deserves
Frank. to know
How are you so fucking cool?
When you got it, you got it.
Wait. What the hell is that?
Attention.
We have detected that
your mystical native race lives
on top of a rare substance
known as Cantgetium.
What?
We're not mystical or native!
We're notorious for colonizing!
Prepare for harvesting.
Oh, man. Us Weekly's gonna have
a field day with this!
Oh, shit!
These motherfuckers are crazy!
Crinkle Ear! Nooo!
You goddamn monsters!
Ha ha ha!
Holy shit.
It's not just on the surface.
There's even more Cantgetium
below us.
Guys, you think
this is too much?
Like, isn't this
predictably awful?
That's why we're called
"Arch-Ians," Mr. Scientist.
We've evolved
by abandoning all nuance.
Now put a drill in the ground
and suck this planet dry.
Oh, my God!
They're drilling for more bears?
I should have never pushed you
to go down there.
I was drinking the Kool-Aid
too hard on our administration.
Mwah.
This one's on me. Mwah.
I should have listened
to the nerds
and done the boring,
responsible thing!
I just wanted to be
America's cool dad.
Seriously?
Not even a dent?
Sir! None of our weapons
can bring them down!
And we've spent
millions of tax dollars trying!
We need to get
these Gobobears outta here.
Take care of Two-Toes
for me! All of them! Mwah.
Banks! What are you doing?
Mwah.
Finding a way
to bring them down.
I didn't drink all that piss
for nothing.
Rahhhhh!
Right.
Best to just let her cook.
Let's roll!
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
What the hell?!
- Oh!
- Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, my God!
Stay strong, Daaboo!
Like Kevin in the all-new
motion picture, "Home Alone."
Good work, soldiers.
Get those Gobobears
some blankets and kisses.
It's bad, sir.
We estimate their drill
will reach the Gobobear layer
in a couple of hours.
Banks, did you hack in?
It's an alien code base.
I-I don't understand it!
Can't you just think like them
or something?
Upload an alien brain?
Maybe if I reduce skepticism
and boost my adaptability,
I can remove all barriers
towards understanding
their culture.
My mind would be open
to literally everything.
But that sounds dangerous.
Wow, whoa, whoo. Shit.
Banks?
Damn, mm-hmm, wow, whoa.
Shit.
Ooh. Cool. Wow. Whoa.
Well, this could go a few ways.
Sir. Koochoo called to say
the Hollow Earthers are using
our elevator to come up and
fight the giant drill machine.
I say we ghost them.
Just pretend
we never heard them,
make full eye contact,
turn around,
and let them die alone.
I'll take that
into consideration, Janice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, God. You're crying
because I was so good at it.
No, you still sound awful.
Oh, I'm sad
because Toomoo ghosted me.
Oh, don't be. I protected you
from that piece of shit.
What?
I caught him cheating on you,
so I threatened
to break his face.
Don't worry I got you.
What is wrong with you?!
I haven't seen him in years.
I don't care if he's exclusive.
It was just nice
to know he still loved me.
Uh, a-are you upset with me?
Francis, I don't know
if your brain is broken
or you're just a bro, but your
toxic, transactional way
of showing emotions
has got to stop.
You are done protecting me!
So you forgive me?
No, you weird, selfish dick!
Uh! Koochoo.
Never thought I'd see
your sorry ass on the surface.
We gonna do this,
or what, Crustie?
Listen up! This isn't just
about energy anymore.
It's about our homes!
Our livelihoods!
Protecting our Gobobears!
Together,
we can take down this harvester!
With my nickel!
- And my moss!
- And my shroom!
Yeah! Okay, sure.
Go get 'em, guys!
Hollow Earth!
- We got this!
- Charge!
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no. Stop!
I was only playing along
for camaraderie.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Oh, that's hard to watch.
For Janice!
You aren't allowed to die!
You again?
You need to make love
to my co-worker. You hear me?!
What is wrong with you?
I'm not good at this.
Our drill is closing in
on that Cantgetium, General.
Ha ha ha!
Nothing can get in our way now.
What?
Huh?
Who are you?
Why did you just slide
a gun towards me?
Hak nagala.
What?
No one but us
understands our language.
I've opened my mind
to your culture.
Absorbed it all.
Ah.
But you still want to know
why we do it.
As a boy, my species ravaged
our own planet for energy.
And when that wasn't enough,
we drained our sun and
Agh!
You!
You murdered me
while monologuing!
That's the most
Archian thing ever.
I think I-I love you.
Mr. Pilot.
Well, now it's weird
if I say "I love you," too.
But I was thinking it.
Banks.
Oh, thank God.
These Hollow Earthers
are terrible allies.
Good news and bad news, sir.
I went full Archian, but it did
help me find a vulnerability.
There's a small thermal vent
that leads to their engine core.
We blow that up,
it'll take down the whole fleet.
Hell yeah!
Get your ass out here
so we can Death Star this thing!
Guys! We're gonna use
actual missiles
to hit an actual weak spot.
Get the hell out of the way!
Okay.
Missiles aren't gonna cut it,
sir.
We need to suck
their defenses dry.
Sorry. Fuck.
Give me a sec.
Ohhhh. Oh!
Here comes the shame.
Uhhhh
- I got you.
- Uch, stop handing me piss.
My arc wasn't learning
to love piss.
Sorry. Where was I?
Missiles aren't gonna cut it.
We need a nuke
to blow out their engine core.
We're 30 miles from D.C.!
That would cause fallout
for decades.
Well, what the hell
are we gonna shoot in there?
Me.
Two-Toes? You can talk?
As you have been kissing
and petting me,
I have learned your language.
Where I come from,
there is nothing but energy.
We left in search of the
rarest element in the universe.
Pearls?
Love.
- Obviously.
- "The Fifth Element."
We spent a lifetime searching.
But it only took a day with you
to finally understand it.
If you let my people return home
with this knowledge,
I will take out the harvester.
Clean energy, no radiation.
You have my word, Two-Toes.
Load me in.
Toomoo?
My favorite of all my loves!
Janice, look, I'm good
at stopping bullets,
and a penis is a bullet,
so I stopped this.
I-I still don't know
how to do this right,
but here.
Thank you, Francis.
Wait till I'm out of the room!
Your people
came in search of love.
And in doing so,
they helped us to find
the power within ourselves.
Not that we can monetize that
or use it to play Xbox,
but, still.
You can all go home now.
- Bye!
- Goddamn adorable.
Aww.
Their tails must get so dirty.
Aww.
Wait, that was
our entire energy supply!
Well, you certainly fucked us,
Mr. President.
Not only
did you not get us power
We had to build an extra
power plant in Hollow Earth
because you crippled
their energy source.
Not to mention all
the 1990s-style RAV4s
we had to put into production
as some kind of apology.
Am I taking crazy pills?
Just show me
in the simplest terms.
What is America's
biggest energy suck?
Shit.
Which is why,
as of 1:00 p.m. today,
we are implementing
an AI porn tax.
AI porn takes up about 95%
of our energy as a nation.
Every citizen will be limited
to two keywords per day
every company, two letters.
But if the Gobobears taught us
anything,
it's
that we can get through this
with the power of love.
Mr. President,
you really think
it's cool to tax our penis?
No, Frank, none of this
is "cool." Stuckey.
Sir, people online are already
calling you the "CumTaxer."
Do you think that will be
your new "Battleswag" gamer tag?
Banks, see if we can get
"CumTaxer" as my gamer tag.
Way ahead of you, sir.
Already secured "CumTaxer"
"CumTaxer69,".
"CommanderNCumTax."
Cool.
AI's not as big a danger ♪
As AI porn ♪
Everyone will make
their own porn ♪
Think of it
like brewing beer ♪
But if you brewed
8 million beers ♪
You'd stop ♪
Oh, God damn it.
Oh, shit.
Medallion's on us!
Good call,
Mr. President!
Watch out! They're in
the bushes. Thanks, bro.
I got it.
I would have gotten it faster.
Why can't I just play?
Because this is work.
Playing "Battleswag"
with the American people
is basically my fireside chat.
Peterson, I see you're
in Madison, Wisconsin.
Spill the cheese.
Well, sir, I had
a job interview today
and I think I bombed it.
What field are you in?
Accounting, sir.
Send your résumé to the VA.
I'll have my Chief of Staff
flag it.
Consider that shit flagged.
Wow! Thank you, sir!
President Curtis!
Ah! Mikayla
in Jacksonville, Florida!
College student at UNF.
She's a regular.
Mikayla,
how'd that calculus exam go?
I'll tell you after you open
your fucking eyes!
They're baiting you!
Ooh, must have blown a fuse.
Aw, damn it. I had AI chatbots
writing "Pulp Fiction,"
but with the Muppets.
Okay, more than a fuse.
Power's out across four states.
Eh, probably just a blip.
Back to work!
Sir, the Department of Defense
called to say
that power outage wasn't
just a blip.
They're probably
Divorced scientist Dr. Keel
requested an emergency meeting.
Ugh, the chart guy?
He's always pitching me boring
shit to fix nothing-burgers.
Tell him I'm working
with the American people.
Hey, nice shot!
You need some ammo?
Hell yeah. That'd be great.
Oh, man. You know
what else would be great?
Being at the meeting to discuss
America's energy crisis.
Dr. Keel?
All right, fine. I'm coming up.
But first
everyone kill this narc!
Ah! What buttons
do I press?!
Aah!
Ooh, Battleswag!
He turned into a chest
of emeralds.
- All right!
- Yay!
Four more years!
Thank you for coming,
Mr. President.
Oh, eat my ass, Dr. Keel.
I blocked you on "Battleswag."
Well, here's something
that you can't block
America's power grid
is overworked
and in danger
of indefinite collapse.
Sloppy transition as always,
but how do we fix it?
Not to be vulgar, sir, but
we need to tighten our shit up.
Energy caps,
taxation based on
What?! No!
Restricting power is un-American
and a straight-up Bummerville.
There has to be another way
to get tons of power
without bogging down the people.
Captain Marks, you
don't have to raise your hand.
Sir, what you're describing is
in Hollow Earth.
The natives call it
the Life Tree
A source
of truly infinite power.
We could go down there
with a giant plug
and take their energy,
but, I mean
no one here
wants to do an "Avatar."
- Oof.
- No, thank you.
Well, obviously not.
I said the same thing to Clinton
when we went down there
the first time.
Although back then, we called it
a "Dances with Wolves."
I thought you were gonna
say "Pocahontas."
- "Fern Gully."
- What's "Fern Gully"?
"Avatar," but good.
Nerds! Focus!
Janice, you've been
to Hollow Earth?
Haa Nah.
That's how the Daaboo say "yes."
And also "nipple butter."
Oh, but they hate us now.
We tried to exploit them.
It didn't go well.
It's been hard
to make them understand
we're not
the same people we were.
Well, they haven't met
Andre Curtis.
Curtis is a man of the people.
He reaches out
and takes big swings.
And we should, too.
If anyone can strike
a fair energy deal,
it's this administration.
Fantastic point.
Guys, we don't need to go
to Hollow Earth
or take big swings.
We just need to restrict usage.
Well, that settles it.
We're going to Hollow Earth.
And, Janice, you're coming with.
- Whoo, out of office, baby!
- Great.
So you're not listening to me
and I'm not invited.
You know, "Avatar" saved 3-D!
There she is,
the Hollow Earth Elevator.
Ah! You know it used to be
just a bungee cord platform?
I am pumped for this, sir.
Getting a chance to help
Americans and make new allies?
You're gonna crush this.
We're gonna crush this.
I want you to be
my right hand, Banks.
Make sure America
keeps this aboveboard.
Fucking dream team.
Mm.
And, O'Doyle.
You protect Janice.
Sir?
She's essential, O'Doyle.
You think Luke would leave C-3PO
to rot on a critical mission?
Actually don't answer that.
Janice is the only one
who knows the natives'
language and culture.
I need my best man
protecting her.
Your best man
respectfully passes.
No. He doesn't.
Fine.
I will remove my personal oath
of protection from you.
Place your head upon my chakra.
Athrym Mo Me Hoyem.
Just say
you love each other, guys.
This is purely transactional!
Boop éy.
Boop éy.
It is done.
All right, people!
We're gonna do it cool
and aboveboard.
Let's roll!
Wow, kinda thought
the inside would be bigger.
Does, uh, anyone happen
to have my brand of deodorant?
Isn't this grand, Francis?
You and me in Hollow Earth?
We can really get to know
each other.
Ma'am, it's a security detail.
These are my 18 grandkids,
starting with the uggos.
Kill me.
Wow.
Are you guys seeing this place?
It's dripping with energy!
Oh, Janice, you were right.
It's so beautiful
Oh, fuck!
A leggy worm!
Ma'am! Get behind me!
Don't shoot!
That's a leg-gee-gee!
It's sacred!
Holy shit, Janice!
See? This is why you
always bring a protocol droid.
Goodoo me doo-woooo.
Goodoo!
Janice, tell them we apologize
for our past administration's
mistakes,
and we've come
to make a fair deal.
Boo-gaa.
Phoo troo yoo ma-roo?
Ee-Yoo. Ee-Yoo.
Although I'm wary
of all Crusties,
it is cool that you cared enough
to bring a Kaka-Mundo.
One who speaks like the Daaboo.
You know English?
Your Clin-ton left
an Us Weekly down here.
We used it to teach ourselves.
Tell us,
is Backstreet still back?
Janice? Janice! My love!
Toomoo! Oh, Toomoo!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
I must say, you have super big
balls coming down here again.
But your Kaka-Mundo
has softened our hearts, so
I'm listening.
Thank you, Koochoo.
As a peace offering, we've
brought gifts from above
Crocs and Kirkland's version
of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
It is customary for a gift giver
to drink their own piss
before anyone accepts a gift.
You have to drink
Hmm? your own piss first.
Yeah, yeah, no, I heard.
But is there
Uh, can I get a reason?
To show that you are
pure of heart and body.
Hey, we take big swings, right?
Right. Um, yes.
Okay, I'm just gonna
go over here.
Koochoo,
I'm not gonna play around.
In exchange for your energy,
I'd like to offer you statehood.
A chance to join our
great nation. Pass.
How about ecological protection?
Or statehood?
Hey, get your own star,
maybe a football team?
Please.
Okay. Uh-huh.
Mmmm, nope.
Mnh-mnh. No.
Oh, what's happening?
Hu Here we go.
Ah! I did it!
America did it!
Thank you.
And as for our deal,
we just want
50,000 Toyota RAV4s.
Huh?
Us Weekly said it's not a toy,
but that doesn't mean it won't
make you feel like a kid again.
Uh, Banks
can you put in an order
for 50,000 RAV4s?
The all-new 1996 model.
Done.
What do you say?
Vroom-vroom!
This is a momentous day.
Today, we solved
America's power crisis
by adding the energy of friends.
- Aww!
- Aww!
Flying in the plug!
Okay, so how do we patch in?
Should we just start
stripping the wiring or
I dunno. You should
probably ask the people
who supply the tree's power.
I thought the tree is the power.
Oh, it totally was,
but then we used it all.
Now we get our power
from the Moss People below us.
You're telling me
after we did this whole thing
and drank piss we have to talk
to someone else?!
Well, they certainly
won't talk to us.
We've exploited them a lot.
Also, our RAV4 vroom-vroom deal
still stands
because you'll need to run
power through our world.
God damn it! Just take us
to the power source!
Toomoo! As elder, you are
in charge in my absence.
Very well. I will pause
from the best lovemaking
of my entire life
to lead our village.
- Aww!
- Sir? For the love of God.
My job can't be to hang out
and hear a grandma have
gross old-people sex.
She's their Kaka-Mundo.
Your job is whatever it needs
to be to keep her safe.
Mm! Tiny kisses
My favorite.
See you tonight?
You bet your noodly biscuits.
- Bye, my love!
- Bye, cutie!
Ugh, gross!
Come on!
Sorry.
Shirt got caught on my bomb.
Wait. What?
Yeah, when I was younger,
I signed up to be
the last line of defense in case
a hostile force ever took
control of the Oval Office.
Holy shit.
Well, I had a womb. I figured,
"Why not weaponize it?"
They called me the first
"Kamikaze Secretary."
Okay, that's bad-ass.
Heh. You wanna see bad-ass?
I'll show you
how to use your tongue
to control a 60-foot worm.
And not in a gross way.
Whoa!
See? Our tree's plugged
into the Life Rock,
like I said.
Shulu shulu! Shu-boo!
Shulu shulu!
No, no, no, no, no.
Shu-gadoo gulu.
They're just yelling
obscenities at us.
Mostly mom stuff.
Bugadu. Dudu ma!
No! Don't yell back!
That's insane!
Tell them we've come
to negotiate
- in good faith.
- Shu-boo shulu.
For your piss.
Wait, me again?
Why me?
Finally, some leaders who aren't
dishonest green douche bags.
- You're a cool guy.
- It's kinda my thing.
Yeah, well,
he made a deal with us first.
We're getting 50,000 RAV4s.
Then we want 50,000 RAV5s.
Uh, they didn't make RAV5s.
Okay, hardball.
60,000 RAV4s.
Before I agree to anything,
I want proof this is
the main source of power.
Uh we're plugged into
the level below us,
but you can't run power through
here without cutting us in.
What the fuck, guys?!
Nice clicking, Francis.
Next time,
use a little more throat.
Yes, ma'am.
You know what'll help?
Daaboo ice cream.
They serve it so hot, it'll put
calluses on your larynx.
Now go find us a rock to sit on.
Back in a jiff!
Okay, rock.
Looking for a rock.
All the rocks are
on the ceiling.
That son of a
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
I'm just having sex
with two women.
What's your problem?
Don't you think that's,
you know, a little much?
What if Janice saw?
Look, I don't know
how it is on the crust,
but down here,
we got a saying
The more leaves on the plant,
the more you should rub
your dick on it.
Listen to me, you slut.
I care about Janice,
so if you hurt her,
I will beat
your green witch face so hard,
you won't be able
to see a woman,
let alone touch her!
But they could still touch me,
right?
They won't want to.
Oh, my God, you suck so bad!
- You exploited us!
- It's your fault!
- Get your mushroom off of me!
- And now you suck even more.
Guys! Fuck!
It's hot and I'm tired
and America is out
hundreds of thousands
of '90s-style RAV4s
that we don't even have!
Wait, are we the only ones
who asked for Oakley sunglasses?
I want to renegotiate!
No! No more deals!
America is done being
played for a fool! Aah!
What?
What the hell is this?
The source of all our power.
It's like an infinite
wireless battery or something.
It's a spaceship, you dunce.
Looks like it crashed into
the Earth's crust centuries ago.
Wait, there's something inside.
Did any of you
even bother to open this?
Why would we open a battery?
Oh, my Goooood!
Look at these things! Mwah!
They're adorable!
Sir, the power isn't
coming from the ship.
It's coming from the Gobobears.
By the way,
I also just named them that.
Perfect name.
Aww! And look!
They reproduce via mitosis.
Wow, and they do it fast.
I'm not really seeing
the big deal here.
Open your
eyes, mushroom lady! Mwah!
They would have given you all
infinite, sustainable power!
Mwah! None of this
was necessary! Mwah.
You idiots didn't need
to plug in or exploit at all!
Please, you don't have to yell.
Oh, my gosh.
Sir, calculating based
on the speed of reproduction,
all we need is two of these to
fix America's grid. Mwah. Mwah.
We'll leave the rest
to be free-range.
Not that they deserve them!
Fine! Let's get the hell
out of here.
- We do deserve them!
- But my RAV4!
Eat my ass.
And lose America's number.
Not cool!
O-Ow. Ow!
Shit!
You weren't kidding.
Oh!
How are you eating this?
Oh, I don't listen to my body
when it whines.
You're my hero.
Come on, guys!
We're leaving!
Now? But Toomoo.
Oh, shit.
O'Doyle, grab the Gobobears!
Mwah.
Wow, their eyes are huge. Mm!
Oh, there's my man!
Toomoo, honey!
We're leaving!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh
Janice! Come on!
The Gobobears aren't
getting any cuter.
Oh, how dare you!
My fellow Americans
the nerds wanted to put
restraints
on American electricity,
but I figured out
how to give you
even more
unlimited energy forever!
- Aww!
- Aww!
This is Two-Toes.
One of several
miraculous creatures
we freed from the deep dangers
of Hollow Earth.
And thanks to some
rad-ass energy-absorbing tech.
We've not only stabilized
the grid
We've done it adorably.
- Mr. President!
- Mr. President!
Sir, American deserves
Frank. to know
How are you so fucking cool?
When you got it, you got it.
Wait. What the hell is that?
Attention.
We have detected that
your mystical native race lives
on top of a rare substance
known as Cantgetium.
What?
We're not mystical or native!
We're notorious for colonizing!
Prepare for harvesting.
Oh, man. Us Weekly's gonna have
a field day with this!
Oh, shit!
These motherfuckers are crazy!
Crinkle Ear! Nooo!
You goddamn monsters!
Ha ha ha!
Holy shit.
It's not just on the surface.
There's even more Cantgetium
below us.
Guys, you think
this is too much?
Like, isn't this
predictably awful?
That's why we're called
"Arch-Ians," Mr. Scientist.
We've evolved
by abandoning all nuance.
Now put a drill in the ground
and suck this planet dry.
Oh, my God!
They're drilling for more bears?
I should have never pushed you
to go down there.
I was drinking the Kool-Aid
too hard on our administration.
Mwah.
This one's on me. Mwah.
I should have listened
to the nerds
and done the boring,
responsible thing!
I just wanted to be
America's cool dad.
Seriously?
Not even a dent?
Sir! None of our weapons
can bring them down!
And we've spent
millions of tax dollars trying!
We need to get
these Gobobears outta here.
Take care of Two-Toes
for me! All of them! Mwah.
Banks! What are you doing?
Mwah.
Finding a way
to bring them down.
I didn't drink all that piss
for nothing.
Rahhhhh!
Right.
Best to just let her cook.
Let's roll!
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
What the hell?!
- Oh!
- Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, my God!
Stay strong, Daaboo!
Like Kevin in the all-new
motion picture, "Home Alone."
Good work, soldiers.
Get those Gobobears
some blankets and kisses.
It's bad, sir.
We estimate their drill
will reach the Gobobear layer
in a couple of hours.
Banks, did you hack in?
It's an alien code base.
I-I don't understand it!
Can't you just think like them
or something?
Upload an alien brain?
Maybe if I reduce skepticism
and boost my adaptability,
I can remove all barriers
towards understanding
their culture.
My mind would be open
to literally everything.
But that sounds dangerous.
Wow, whoa, whoo. Shit.
Banks?
Damn, mm-hmm, wow, whoa.
Shit.
Ooh. Cool. Wow. Whoa.
Well, this could go a few ways.
Sir. Koochoo called to say
the Hollow Earthers are using
our elevator to come up and
fight the giant drill machine.
I say we ghost them.
Just pretend
we never heard them,
make full eye contact,
turn around,
and let them die alone.
I'll take that
into consideration, Janice.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, God. You're crying
because I was so good at it.
No, you still sound awful.
Oh, I'm sad
because Toomoo ghosted me.
Oh, don't be. I protected you
from that piece of shit.
What?
I caught him cheating on you,
so I threatened
to break his face.
Don't worry I got you.
What is wrong with you?!
I haven't seen him in years.
I don't care if he's exclusive.
It was just nice
to know he still loved me.
Uh, a-are you upset with me?
Francis, I don't know
if your brain is broken
or you're just a bro, but your
toxic, transactional way
of showing emotions
has got to stop.
You are done protecting me!
So you forgive me?
No, you weird, selfish dick!
Uh! Koochoo.
Never thought I'd see
your sorry ass on the surface.
We gonna do this,
or what, Crustie?
Listen up! This isn't just
about energy anymore.
It's about our homes!
Our livelihoods!
Protecting our Gobobears!
Together,
we can take down this harvester!
With my nickel!
- And my moss!
- And my shroom!
Yeah! Okay, sure.
Go get 'em, guys!
Hollow Earth!
- We got this!
- Charge!
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no. Stop!
I was only playing along
for camaraderie.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Oh, that's hard to watch.
For Janice!
You aren't allowed to die!
You again?
You need to make love
to my co-worker. You hear me?!
What is wrong with you?
I'm not good at this.
Our drill is closing in
on that Cantgetium, General.
Ha ha ha!
Nothing can get in our way now.
What?
Huh?
Who are you?
Why did you just slide
a gun towards me?
Hak nagala.
What?
No one but us
understands our language.
I've opened my mind
to your culture.
Absorbed it all.
Ah.
But you still want to know
why we do it.
As a boy, my species ravaged
our own planet for energy.
And when that wasn't enough,
we drained our sun and
Agh!
You!
You murdered me
while monologuing!
That's the most
Archian thing ever.
I think I-I love you.
Mr. Pilot.
Well, now it's weird
if I say "I love you," too.
But I was thinking it.
Banks.
Oh, thank God.
These Hollow Earthers
are terrible allies.
Good news and bad news, sir.
I went full Archian, but it did
help me find a vulnerability.
There's a small thermal vent
that leads to their engine core.
We blow that up,
it'll take down the whole fleet.
Hell yeah!
Get your ass out here
so we can Death Star this thing!
Guys! We're gonna use
actual missiles
to hit an actual weak spot.
Get the hell out of the way!
Okay.
Missiles aren't gonna cut it,
sir.
We need to suck
their defenses dry.
Sorry. Fuck.
Give me a sec.
Ohhhh. Oh!
Here comes the shame.
Uhhhh
- I got you.
- Uch, stop handing me piss.
My arc wasn't learning
to love piss.
Sorry. Where was I?
Missiles aren't gonna cut it.
We need a nuke
to blow out their engine core.
We're 30 miles from D.C.!
That would cause fallout
for decades.
Well, what the hell
are we gonna shoot in there?
Me.
Two-Toes? You can talk?
As you have been kissing
and petting me,
I have learned your language.
Where I come from,
there is nothing but energy.
We left in search of the
rarest element in the universe.
Pearls?
Love.
- Obviously.
- "The Fifth Element."
We spent a lifetime searching.
But it only took a day with you
to finally understand it.
If you let my people return home
with this knowledge,
I will take out the harvester.
Clean energy, no radiation.
You have my word, Two-Toes.
Load me in.
Toomoo?
My favorite of all my loves!
Janice, look, I'm good
at stopping bullets,
and a penis is a bullet,
so I stopped this.
I-I still don't know
how to do this right,
but here.
Thank you, Francis.
Wait till I'm out of the room!
Your people
came in search of love.
And in doing so,
they helped us to find
the power within ourselves.
Not that we can monetize that
or use it to play Xbox,
but, still.
You can all go home now.
- Bye!
- Goddamn adorable.
Aww.
Their tails must get so dirty.
Aww.
Wait, that was
our entire energy supply!
Well, you certainly fucked us,
Mr. President.
Not only
did you not get us power
We had to build an extra
power plant in Hollow Earth
because you crippled
their energy source.
Not to mention all
the 1990s-style RAV4s
we had to put into production
as some kind of apology.
Am I taking crazy pills?
Just show me
in the simplest terms.
What is America's
biggest energy suck?
Shit.
Which is why,
as of 1:00 p.m. today,
we are implementing
an AI porn tax.
AI porn takes up about 95%
of our energy as a nation.
Every citizen will be limited
to two keywords per day
every company, two letters.
But if the Gobobears taught us
anything,
it's
that we can get through this
with the power of love.
Mr. President,
you really think
it's cool to tax our penis?
No, Frank, none of this
is "cool." Stuckey.
Sir, people online are already
calling you the "CumTaxer."
Do you think that will be
your new "Battleswag" gamer tag?
Banks, see if we can get
"CumTaxer" as my gamer tag.
Way ahead of you, sir.
Already secured "CumTaxer"
"CumTaxer69,".
"CommanderNCumTax."
Cool.
AI's not as big a danger ♪
As AI porn ♪
Everyone will make
their own porn ♪
Think of it
like brewing beer ♪
But if you brewed
8 million beers ♪
You'd stop ♪
Oh, God damn it.