Retired at 35 (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Hey Mom and dad, sitting together I think I even saw a little smile there.
What's the occasion? We decided being separated shouldn't stop us from having a drink together once a week.
We call it the "used to be happy hour.
" You're so funny in small doses.
And you're a delight now and then.
So, uh, what's going on? David, how many people do you think are in this bar right now? I don't know.
Uh, 20, 25? It might be 25.
Or 21 or 31, but I know it's an odd number, you know why? This is a very strange game so far.
Couple, couple, couple, couple, couple, couple, you.
Okay, seriously, mom? We're talking about my love life again? David, I didn't have anything to do with this.
If you want to be alone, trust me, it has its benefits.
I don't want to be alone.
Great, because I have it on good authority that Carol Fabricant has a very attractive and available daughter.
Did you see her yourself, or is this according to Carol? Be careful, David, the husband has very large teeth.
Mom, thanks a ton for the thought, really, really, but, you know, I have my eye on someone.
Oh, I certainly hope it's not the golf pro.
She has a buzz cut and drives a Subaru.
Hello.
I made you your usual, David.
Hey, look what you did there.
You you remembered my drink.
Yeah, not many guys order peach cosmos.
I have a bit of a sweet tooth.
All right, then.
Well, I'm taking off.
Bye, mr.
and mrs.
Robbins.
- Bye, dear.
- Bye, Jessica.
[gasps.]
Oh, my gosh.
It's her.
Is it her, David? Yes, yes, it's her.
She's the one I like.
Well, if you want to go out on a date with her, I think she's going out on one now.
You could tag along.
Okay, admittedly, the boyfriend is a bit of an obstacle.
This is why he needs our help.
- I do not need your help.
- Really? It's Saturday night, and you're sitting alone with your parents.
You called me here.
And you were available.
David, go out with Lilah Fabricant.
I don't know, mom.
What does the girl even look like? Uh, her.
Oh, look lively.
Your date is starting.
You set me up on a date now? Tick tock, David.
My grandchildren aren't giving birth to themselves.
Hi, Elaine.
And you must be mr.
Robbins.
Hi, Lilah.
Nice to meet you.
Nice smile.
And this is my beautiful son David.
[muttering.]
Sit up straight.
Okay, wow.
Well, you're still here after that intro, so I got to hand it to you.
It's it's nice to meet you.
Well, have a seat, dear, please.
Thanks.
So, Lilah, what are your interests? Do you want children? [softly.]
Oh, God, no.
Come on, Elaine, time to go.
All right, but I I want to take a picture of them in case it works out.
Let's go, Elaine, before you start suggesting baby names.
I like Javier.
Um Wow, I'm sorry.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
They they kidnapped me from a normal family when I was five.
Don't worry about it.
My mom makes your mom look subtle.
It was sweet of them to set us up, and, now, at least they're out of our hair.
[chuckles.]
Wait for it.
Order champagne and tip big.
Closing time.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Seriously, Elaine, are you gonna wait up all night for David? I'm not waiting for David.
I'm waiting for grandchildren.
11:15, and he's still not back.
I think it's a very good sign.
Maybe he got mugged.
Mugged by destiny.
Mom.
Oh, you're here.
I I went by your place to tell you all about my date.
Really? No, because that would be insane.
I want to know how your date went.
I gave birth to you, and I will not rest until I find someone who makes you happy.
Is that so bad? Does it make me a crazy person? Does it? No.
Okay, good night, mom.
W wait.
Come on, David, your mother needs to know.
How was your date? It was Eh.
"It was eh"? Well, what do you mean, "it was eh"? "Eh" as in excellent? Elaine, stop meddling.
I'm not meddling, I'm pestering.
And right now you're meddling in my pester.
Look, mom, I don't know what to tell you, you know.
I mean, she was nice, but we just didn't have any chemistry.
No chemistry? What do you know about chemistry? You flunked chemistry.
That's it, Elaine.
You're out of here.
I'm giving you a red card.
I've been watching the soccer.
There has to be some reason it went badly.
I'm not leaving until I get some answers.
You're not exactly selling how much fun it is to be with women, here.
All right, look, you want to know what happened, mom? She talked about herself the whole time.
That was your problem? Big drinker too.
Yeah.
Little belligerent at the end.
I'm sorry, mom, but I told you, these kinds of things never work out.
Good night.
Happy? [voice breaking.]
Yes, Alan, you've always been able to read my emotions.
I'm happy.
Oh, and get this, get this.
I pulled off a truly brilliant move.
Told my mom it didn't go well, so she'll stay out of my love life.
Take that, mom.
Well done.
I've gone the other way and told my parents a date went well, when in fact the girl jumped out of my van at a red light.
I'm telling you, it was one of the best dates I've ever had.
Lilah is beautiful, smart, funny, kind of kooky in a sexy way.
Ah, I I could just go on and on.
You kind of are.
You know what's weird? When I was with Lilah, I kind of forgot about Jessica for a few minutes.
So you're over Jessica now.
Oh, well, no, I wouldn't say that, but, I mean, she's dating that mechanic guy.
What am I supposed to do? It's not like you to give up so easily.
It's like me.
So does this Lilah have a sister? W why do people do that? I mean, seriously, has that ever worked in real life, hmm? Has it ever been the case where, "yes, she has a sister" "who's equally hot and awesome," "and she's also single and just dying to be set up" "with some jackass friend on a blind date?" Whoa.
Didn't ask to hear your Letterman set, just if she had a sister.
Yeah, she has a sister.
They're twins, actually both runway models.
You're kidding me! Yes, of course I'm kidding you! Elaine.
Hi.
Carol Fabricant.
Look who's here.
I was gonna call you.
My Lilah had the best time with your David last night.
She was over the moon when she came home.
[chuckles awkwardly.]
That's nice to hear.
Well, your turn.
What'd David say about Lilah? Oh, I wouldn't know.
It's not like I was waiting around for him to come home.
I mean, what am I, a crazy person? Come on, Elaine.
He must have told you something.
I don't like to meddle.
Yeah, right.
And I don't like slot machines and vicodin.
Come on, tell me what he said.
Well, to be honest, he said they didn't have any chemistry.
Well, who wouldn't have chemistry with my beautiful Lilah? She is a catch.
Iris Hecker's son wants to take her out, and he has a thriving dermatology practice.
And, he drives a 5-series.
Lucky Iris.
Okay, I'm just gonna tell Lilah that your lazy schnook of a son doesn't have any interest in her.
My David is reevaluating his life, thank you very much.
And your Lilah isn't such a prize either, unless the contest is most self-involved boozehound.
My wife heard that it got ugly at the salon between Elaine and Carol Fabricant.
Carol stormed out without getting her hair done.
It's happened before.
It's the vicodin.
Of course David's date went badly.
These women, they meddle.
It's in their nature.
We men hunt, and women meddle.
I thought that was gather.
What, are you a professor? Hey, guys.
[chuckles.]
I'm really thirsty, and I have no money because I dropped my wallet into a pool I was cleaning earlier, and this crazy duck swooped down and plucked it right Brandon, skip the fairy tale.
Sit down.
We'll buy you a drink.
Hey, guys, I'll be right back with your food order.
That Jessica seems like a nice girl.
Yeah, David seems to really like her.
Yeah, it was that way even in high school.
She'd take advanced algebra.
He'd take advanced algebra.
She'd work on the yearbook club.
He'd work on the yearbook club.
She'd do peer evaluation Brandon.
I have nothing to do and nowhere to be, and yet, move it along.
She's with that guy who's a mechanic because David paid for her car to get fixed and never told her.
Now the mechanic is taking credit.
So you're saying David gave her a gift, - but didn't tell her? - Who does that? You don't give anonymously to a woman.
It makes no sense.
It's half a move.
You don't make half moves with women.
It confuses and angers them.
It confuses and angers me.
I'm stepping in.
But you said we shouldn't meddle.
It's not meddling.
Women meddle.
Men fix.
[doorbell rings.]
Lilah.
Hey, what a nice surprise.
Which is more surprising, David? That I'm not talking or that I'm not drinking? W what are you talking about? Oh, right, how would you know? 'cause we don't have any chemistry, right? No, of course we have chem We have chemistry, we have biology, physics.
We got all kind of science going on.
Not according to your mom.
No, no, no, not no, no.
Lilah, wait.
Please come in, please.
I think I know what happened.
Please.
Um My mom talked to your mom, right? Oh, yeah, she did.
Now I'm the blabbing drunk who deserves to be single.
No, Lilah, please listen to me, okay? I only made up those horrible, mean things about you because I like you so much.
Aw, that is so sweet.
I'm not following.
I made up a bunch of stuff about you to throw my mom off.
I mean, I love her, but I wanted to be able to date you without a crazy old lady all up in my business.
But clearly, it backfired.
David, David, you can't trick our mothers.
They're sweet, but they're also witches.
I know.
She got all up in my skull.
See, I haven't lived down here that long.
My fending-off-my-mom muscle is kind of rusty.
Can you forgive me? David, David, David, you have so much to learn.
I know.
Lilah will you be my teacher? I would love to.
Hey, do you have any booze? Mama needs a drink.
Okay, I get it.
Yes, I deserve that.
Yeah, you do, but I'm serious, - what do you got? - Oh.
Stop it.
I'm at work.
Look at that.
My son's generosity did that, and now I'm going to undo it.
Work your magic, sensei.
Uh, Jessica? E excuse me, but there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Okay.
Remember when you took your car in to get repaired? Yeah.
Well, David paid for the repairs soup to nuts.
What? Why why would he do that? Because he has very limited How do you say it? Game.
Why would he pay to get my car fixed anonymously? Exactly.
It's half a move.
He did it because he likes you.
Wow.
I guess he does.
To the tune of 1,200 bucks.
Oh, my gosh.
My boyfriend's been lying to me.
Big liar.
I am going to text him right now and dump him.
Text him amazing.
I just got used to faxing.
So we're near the end, uh, and it's up to me.
So I took a deep breath, looked at my teammates, and then I did it "Chasm.
C-h-a-s-m, chasm.
" Bam, second place.
You are so cute.
Why don't you stop spelling and come over here to the b-e-d.
Okay.
Oh, I wasn't spelling.
I was saying, "okay.
" [door closes.]
David! Oh, man, it's the meddler.
What do we do? Uh, well, one of us should go out there and get rid of her, so you go, and you be forceful, 'cause she'll fight you.
No, no, no, no, buddy.
That is all you.
Really? Okay, I didn't think you'd go for it.
All right, I'll be right back.
Oh, there you are.
Good.
Busy? Busy? No, I'm not getting busy.
Who's getting busy? I came by to say how sorry I am it didn't work out with Lilah Fabricant.
Oh, that's okay, mom.
Win some, lose some.
And I want you to know I've learned my lesson.
- Good.
- No more Fabricants.
They're bad news.
If they're not drinking and blabbing, they're gambling and popping pills.
I made a list of better candidates.
Wow.
[chuckles.]
Okay, mom.
Well, I'm really excited about the list, and, uh, I will take a look at it later when you're at home and I'm done having my not-busy nap, okay? Which which I have to get back to badly.
I'm very tired.
Okay, honey, well, you get some rest.
I'll call you later.
Okay, mom.
[door opens.]
And dad's coming in, just as mom was leaving.
I'm glad you're both here.
Oh, yeah, I'm here, you're here, who isn't here? Elaine, I fixed your meddle.
What's that supposed to mean? I went to the bar, and I told Jessica that David paid to have her car fixed.
What? You paid for that girl's car to be fixed? - Dad, you told Jessica that? - Yep.
You paid for her car, and you didn't tell her? Who does that? And Jessica dumped that mechanic.
She dumped Wow, that is so close to being awesome.
Yep.
Hi, David.
Jessica, wow.
Now you're in the living room.
How many people can this living room hold? A serious lack of game.
Hey, David, um, your dad told me what you did.
- Oh, did he? - Yeah.
And I got off work, and I thought I'd come by and say thanks for paying to have my car fixed.
You're welcome.
Hey, did it have anything to do with the timing belt? Because if there's anybody who knows about bad timing, it is me.
What you did was very sweet.
She took his hand.
I did that.
More than the Fabricant girl ever did.
David, I heard the door close, is your mom gone? No, she's not.
Hi, big group of people.
Oh, God, she's drunk, and she broke in.
Okay, kid's got more game than I thought.
David, what what's going on here? - Who are you? - Who are you? Why were you holding his hand? Why were you coming out of his bedroom? Oh, my gosh, these are such good questions.
Really, very good questions.
You know what? Type 'em up, send 'em in, I'll answer them in the order they were submitted.
Good-bye, David.
No, no, please.
Jessica, wait.
David, bye.
No, no, Lilah, Lilah, please wait.
Tell your mother hi for me.
So, um, I had one woman in my bedroom, another woman holding my hand, and now I'm actually gonna go and take a nap.
Congratulations, people.
[door slams.]
Happy? Actually, I'm kind of hungry.
Thanks for letting us take you to breakfast, sweetie.
We're sorry about the way things worked out.
Losing two girls in one night that's got to hurt.
Look at it this way.
You're saved the aggravation, times two.
All right, look, guys, I know you mean well, but just back off just a little, okay? I'm 35.
I mean, I'm old enough to have my own children.
You were old enough two presidents ago.
- Mom - Fine, I promise.
- No more meddling.
- And no more fixing.
Thank you.
Hi.
Are you David? Yes, I am.
Yes, I am, and I'm sure that our mothers are probably friends, and yours has told you all about me, so I tell you what let's skip the intros.
Let's just go to Vegas, get married tonight, and just start popping out some babies.
You got any names yet? I asked the counter guy your name, I thought you were cute, but never mind, jerk.
No, no, no, wait.
You know what? That came out wrong.
Seriously, no game.
I'm worried it'll be three presidents.