Santa Inc. (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

(grand music playing)
(commotion)
(indistinct chatter)
I'm here live outside
of Santa's mansion,
where he and The Board
have been meeting all day
on the decision for who
will be the next Successor.
Recent polls show
Candy Smalls
has a commanding
lead over her rivals,
despite initial
concerns that
the public
would reject
a female Santa.
Now, as soon as
that Christmas tree
behind me lights up,
the choice for Successor
will have been made.
Candy Smalls is
the worst boss ever!
She forced me to do
horrible things,
and then fired me
when I wouldn't.
Breaking news!
Are you referring
to coerced sexual acts?
Ew, no!
She made me work even
when I was hungover.
(cheers and applause)
Mazel Tov!
There is a new Successor, folks.
And keeping with tradition,
in exactly 30 minutes,
Santa will announce
who will be the next
face of Christmas!
T-minus 30 until
a vagina finally
sits in the red suit!
Or another penis.
Who knows?
Everybody, drink up!
(cheering)
Ha, ha.
I have a really good
feeling about tonight.
(joyful music playing)
♪
I'm Jonathan Silverbell,
and we are 28 minutes away
from this historic moment.
Any thoughts on Candy Smalls?
This "Candy-monium" may be
"inspiring" and "cute,"
but it's unearned.
Santas have always been male.
For the same reason there
have only been male explorers
or U.S. Presidents
or serial killers.
I think Timmy the Toy Guy would
make a much more solid choice.
But not from
a psychological standpoint.
For Santa, every chimney jump
is a trip down
the vaginal canal, a re-birth.
Since Timmy was
a C-section baby,
this is irrelevant to him.
Are you all crazy?
Timmy's a fucking Neo-Nazi!
And I know I call
a lot of people that,
but he really is.
Keep the rumors
in your annex, Anne Frank.
Oh my!
You have to watch
this, Nick.
Look at that crowd.
It's like
I'm headlining Coachella!
It's exciting.
The announcement
of the first female Santa.
I assume you're
picking Candy, right?
You know I'm sworn
to secrecy but trust me,
I'm makin'
the right choice,
a solid choice.
C'mon, just tell me
it's Candy so I can relax.
I know how to get
it out of you.
Yes, I do.
(laughs)
Oh-ho, I can't tell!
I took an oath!
(laughs)
It's serious business
even though I'm laughing!
Fucking stop!
I don't like it. Stop.
When you chose Brent,
I was in on every moment
of that decision.
Oh yes, that's when
I was a partner,
and not just
some idiot wife.
Honestly, I don't have
the energy for this
fuckin' shit, dude, okay?
Tonight's clutch time.
All I need is support.
Thank you.
Candy Smalls, insiders say
you've got this locked up.
Well, there are
several contenders
here who would make
fantastic Santas.
I guess what I'm saying,
Cuthbert, is I'm hopeful,
but I'm not measuring
the drapes quite yet.
Measure this, viper!
Hello, eligible men
of the world!
I'm the Mommy.
Uh, no.
Not my Mother.
Just a schizophrenic
drug-addicted rapist.
I, I should probably
get her back to prison.
Too bad, I was hoping
to interview your
nearest and dearest.
Get the insight
on the real you.
Well, you should talk
to my best friends.
They're, uh, um,
where are they?
We really have
to go to this shit?
Stop asking
me that, yes!
Our best friend
is about to become
the next Santa.
We have to be there.
She just doesn't seem
like my best friend anymore.
Come on. She's busy.
And that allows her
to completely blow us off
after 20 years
of friendship?
We just need to rally
for the bitch.
(gasps)
Wow, when I say "bitch,"
I kind of mean "bitch."
That's intense.
C'mon, Craig!
Jemma, keep Fun Size
away from the scissors.
He's obsessed
with them lately.
Larson, uh, polls show
that you're way down
because of recent
allegations of infidelity,
sexual harassment,
and statutory rape.
Would you like
to say anything
to the women who feel
betrayed by you?
L-Look, let me be clear.
I am a man
who loves women.
Like my hot wife,
and hot adult stepdaughters.
But a woman doesn't have
to be hot for me to love her.
To me, the sexiest woman who
ever lived is Eleanor Roosevelt.
(retches)
(laughs)
I don't believe any
of these insane
allegations.
How could my husband
be such a monster
when he surprised me
with Celine Dion tickets
-for our anniversary?
-And in the mezzanine, too!
Not cheap.
Everyone knows
how much I care
about the welfare
of women.
Grandpa Smalls:
Everybody!
This is the big night!
But let's not forget
what's truly important:
we get 10% of all
winners' bets. Ha-hoo!
You can't do that in here.
It's fucking illegal!
(softly):
But let's see
how I'm doing.
Ooh, even odds!
Woo! Yes, bitch!
All the retired coal miners
bet on you, even though
I told them you suck,
and you turned your
back on us elves.
Grandpa, just
please calm down.
I have a strategy, trust me.
Ooh, a stratège.
Fancy-schmancy.
You're ruthless,
Candy.
I told you
to be a snake,
and you turned into
a fucking anaconda.
Somehow, I suspect you're
all gonna magically love me
again once I'm made Santa.
Candy, I know you're
ashamed of me,
but I never, ever thought
the day would come
where I would be
ashamed of you.
You've been ashamed
of me my entire life.
That was just
a motivational
parenting tactic.
This is the first time
I mean it.
(huffs)
-There she is! Candy!
-Woo!
Frat Guys (chanting):
Candy!
Frat Guy 1:
Candy's the man!
Frat Guy 2:
Igma Loo's goes big for Smalls!
(laughs)
Thanks for the love,
everybody!
Candy forever!
Junior:
Tonight is momentous!
Like Jesus' resurrection
and the Book of Revelation
rolled up in one.
But if God doesn't
want me to be Successor,
then I will accept
His other gift to me:
being the leader
of His reindeer disciples.
Which is probably way more
important than Santa anyway.
Unless he chooses
me as Successor.
And then, that's the shit!
It's in the
Book of Revelations!
-Congregation: Yes!
-Jesus take me!
(speaking tongues)
What the fuck?
Quick, cut to
something else!
The terror you feel?
Multiply that
by a thousand,
and that's how women
and BIPOC feel
at every moment.
Shit,
that bitch
is pissed.
Yeah, girl!
Millennial the shit
outta that old fuck!
Great, my buds!
You're finally here!
-(customer coughs)
-(customer clears throat)
(groans)
Hey, look, you guys,
I, I know a lot
has been going on,
and I just wanna tell you
you have impeccable timing.
The HNN reporter
wants to do an interview
with my best friends.
All right,
where'd he go?
Devin:
Babe!
Hold on, wait.
What is this?
Devin and I
are dating.
And fucking.
And fingering with
an eye towards anal?
Yes! Score!
You guys are together?
Since when?
Right after Halloween.
Oh no, Horse Cock is wasted.
He's trying to fuck
the pool table.
(shouts):
That's not a lady, bud!
You've been together
for almost a month,
and you didn't tell me?
I've called you and text you,
but I never, ever,
ever heard back.
I know,
and I've been meaning to,
but time is just--
it's flying by,
and whatever, if, if
this is what you want,
they hey
Mazel Tov!
Yay!
Jewish phrases of joy!
We're all happy now!
Can we table
this tension
for, maybe, not
the biggest night
of my life?
Here we are live
with Candy Smalls
and her friends.
It's been said that
behind every great Santa,
there is an entourage
of close buds.
Here's my crew.
My BFFs since
high school,
Goldie and Cookie.
Goldie, Cookie,
we know so little
about Candy,
the person.
Who is Candy Smalls to you?
I'm talking real-life
details of who she is.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
(tense music plays)
But even way back when,
there was always something
different about Candy.
I mean, what girl forces
everyone to watch CSPAN
at her Sweet 16?
It's a little weird, right?
Ugh, why you?!
You're nothing!
Ugh. Let's kill her.
Actually, let's kill
her stylist 'cause
her outfit is pure ass.
-Ha ha! Ha ha!
-Snow Angel:
Maybe you heard Santa wrong.
Maybe the next Santa
will actually be you.
Santa's never
taken me seriously!
I thought we
had a special bond,
but he just left me
out in the back alley
with my pants
around my ankles!
Like everyone else!
Except you!
I'm being nice.
Why am I yelling?
Thank you
for staying with me!
I am so fucked up!
Aw, thanks, baby.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I know who's selling
Santa's beard hair--
Sparky Fontaine:
Jingle Jim! J-Jingle Jim!
-Sparky Fontaine, HNN News.
-Ugh! The press?!
Sparky:
Any comments about your chances
of becoming Successor?
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Jingle Jim says,
"Guzzle my piss!"
Subheader,
He's very dehydrated.
Sparky:
God, it's in
my eye! God!
Don't help me,
keep rolling!
(laughs)
(cries) I wanted
to be Santa so bad.
Don't worry.
We'll be okay.
You really are an angel.
What would it be like
if your closest friend
became the next Santa?
Great, right?
(cries)
I'm afraid
I'll never
see her again.
And that she'll become an even
bigger asshole than she
already is.
Oh my god.
I love you, too,
asshole.
We call each other
asshole.
It's an inside joke,
you know?
Long history.
The bonds between women.
Re-claiming words
and making them our own.
It's kind of
beautiful, you know?
It's gorgeous.
Now, Goldie,
has all this attention
changed your
old friend, Candy?
Ah, not sure.
Candy, have you always
been ruthless and cutthroat?
(laughs)
You guys!
Be serious!
Women's friendships.
Our, our chosen families,
so to speak,
so, so complicated,
so invaluable, ha, ha.
Oh, I think that's Santa.
I'd recognize that red hat
with the white fuzzy ball
on top from a mile away.
Santa!
Get out of my way!
May we speak
privately?
With only eight minutes left
until Santa's announcement,
I'm at the toy factory
where Timmy the Toy Guy
was literally born,
the only child
of a stock boy
and gift wrapper.
Let's see what Timmy's up to.
On this frosty, sacred soil,
in this very toy shop,
my papa asked my mama to have
sexual intercourse
and she consented.
And 18 seconds later,
I was conceived.
And here we are today
in the same toy shop.
Another decision to be made.
Timmy, do you
think your chances
at succession
have been impacted
by rumored ties
to the white nationalist
movement?
What holiday
are you from,
by the way?
-Diwali.
-Di-what-i?
-Must be a new one.
-It's 2,500 years old,
older than Christmas.
Sounds made up
to me, Four Arms.
Mader Chod,
that was weird.
Why would you say that shit?
That is a major new outlet.
The whole world
will see it.
So? What we
said is true.
-You pushed us there.
-And you agree
with that, Cookie?
I can't answer that
because if I start
to talk, I'll cry.
And it's really hard
to talk and cry
at the same time.
You guys, listen,
I understand I've done some
really messed up stuff,
but in a few minutes,
I might be named the next Santa.
And I can start
fighting for all of us.
I know it started out that way,
but you're not fighting
for us anymore, okay?
You've become
completely selfish.
I'm sorry, did you
just call me Elf-ish?
Because I will fight you
right now for judging
my people like that.
Let's go! Right now!
Stop!
She said selfish.
You're selfish.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's
insulting, too,
but I'm not gonna
fight a jacked
reindeer over it.
But I would take you.
If I had to, I would.
-(cries)
-Oh, Cookie, don't cry.
Not tonight.
Not on my special night.
Not on the night
my dreams are
coming true.
You are such a--
I can't talk and cry.
Good luck, kids!
You're about to have
the worst Santa ever!
The worst Santa?
Oh my god.
What I'm hearing is that you
think I have this in the bag.
Woo! Oh, let's go in!
It's almost time!
Okay, fine,
if you will excuse me,
I am going to spend the most
exciting moment in my life
with my new best friend,
Horse Cock.
We totally get each other.
He loves to read
recovery memoirs, too.
It's fucking beshert!
That's "meant to be"
in the language
of my Jewish peeps.
I'm out. Shalom!
Devin:
Candy, I have to show
you something.
-Now? But it's almost time to--
-Real fast. You won't be sorry.
Okay, you can look.
Oh my god,
oh my god,
oh my god.
(angelic singing)
Devin, this is
so thoughtful.
I'm, I'm seriously moved.
Is my makeup okay?
Yeah, you're good.
And you'll look
amazing in this.
Red really brings
out your veins.
I'm so happy
for you, Candy.
No one deserves
this more than you.
I'm so happy for us.
And, you know, even though
you're still in college,
I have such a great
feeling about you.
So, forget about what
I said about years
of training and all that.
When you graduate,
you're gonna be
my number two.
What do ya think?
Ready to stroll
into history by my side?
Ho-oh! Yes, ma'am!
Crowd in bar:
One minute to go!
You ready?
Here we go.
All right, here we go.
Again. Fuckin' Brent.
Crowd:
15, 14, 13,
12, 11, 10,
nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two,
one!
Wow, this is it.
Candace Smalls,
your big moment
has arrived.
People of the North Pole,
or as you are known,
North Pollocks.
Crowd (chanting):
Santa! Santa! Santa!
It is with much pride that I
and The Board of Santa Inc.
tell you of our choice
of a new Successor.
But, before I give you the name,
I wanna assure you
that I've chosen not only
the best future Santa,
but an exciting choice,
an innovative choice,
and someone who
exemplifies the qualities
the job of Santa requires:
compassion, joy,
devotion to Santa Inc.,
but most of all,
an unwavering love of Christmas,
and the belief in its ability
to make the world
a better place,
even if it's just
for one day a year.
And now may I announce
the next Santa Claus
(intense music plays)
Devin Johnson!
(crowd gasps)
(Santa's voice echoing)
(muffled audio)
Who the fuck
is Devin Johnson?
(all gasping)
-(cries)
-(grunts)
We're rich!
(cheering)
(person coughing)
Congratulation--
(clears throat)
Congratulations,
Mr. Successor.
-(stomach gurgling)
-Oh!
-(commotion)
-(shutters clicking)
Whoa!
Devin Johnson,
we spoke earlier,
remember?
You know me!
Ugh, fucker!
Devin! Devin!
(toilet flushes)
D-D-Did ya win?
Baby Meatball's
in the manger.
Mmm, meatball.
Excuse me, sir?
I, I just puked,
so I'm starving.
Oh, oh, c-can we stop
at a drive-through?
(crowd shouting)
(horn honking)
Here, this should work.
Take it from me.
I've seen my fair share
of puke-covered suits.
Used to work at a bar
on Wall Street in the '80s.
Ah, there's a lot of it.
What did that guy eat?
Hey, you don't
have to hold it
in for me, Candy.
I know you're upset.
You can let it all out.
Oh, I'm fine. I'm so fine.
It's all good, man.
I mean, I'm,
I'm not fine,
and not all good, no,
but, uh, I don't know,
what am I gonna do?
Cry like a baby because
I didn't get my way?
You know?
"Wahhh, I didn't
get to be Santa."
It's just--
It's not productive.
I need to suck it up,
and move on, and--
Oh god!
Please don't gloat.
Please don't say,
"I told you so."
Or steal
my credit cards.
I just-- I'm not strong
enough right now to--
You wish.
We don't need your
money anymore, ha, ha.
Nope. I put all
of my savings on Devin.
He was 10,000-to-one.
I'm worth millions now!
But how could you possibly
know it would be Devin?
You mean the fat kid
with the beard?
It was always gonna be him.
You put up a good fight,
but ya can't beat
tradition, baby.
That's Christmas.
Ohh! Who's rich?
Cha-cha-cha!
Grandpa's rich!
Cha-cha-cha!
Today has been
way too intense.
The holidays are
too stressful.
Girl, they haven't
even started yet.
(sighs)
I hate Christmas.
-(phone ringing)
-Ugh, it's Candy again.
She's called me twice.
Maybe we should talk to her.
She must be so miserable.
She wanted this so bad.
I mean, I know she
was a bitch to us,
and said some
fucked-up shit--
And did fucked-up shit!
The girl needs a timeout.
Maybe she'll go back to being
the person we used to know.
Maybe not. But right now,
I can't deal with her shit.
I guess you're right,
but everything is so stressful.
Oh god!
I'm losing it!
I am this close
to eating my clavicle.
-(line ringing)
-Devin's not picking up.
-Do you think he's ghosting me?
-Where's Craig?
I wanna go home
and watch
Leprechaun's Kitchen.
-Girl: Ahh!
-Is that your babysitter?
-Ahh!
-(Fun Size laughs)
-Ahh!
-Fun Size! Scissors bad!
(yelling)
Oh, man!
The best aphrodisiac really is
a sweet dose of schadenfreude.
Now how 'bout you
get back there
and toss my salad a little?
Okay, but do you wanna know
who is selling
Santa's beard hair first?
Or do you want me
to toss your salad first?
-Tell me fast, then salad.
-Okay.
(ominous music playing)
Pardon me, are you the one
selling Santa's beard hair?
Yeah, how much you want?
(gasps)
Beat it, man.
We're closed.
Oh! Oh, I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
it was you.
I was looking for Candy.
Candy, she left
a while ago.
She was pretty
devastated.
So am I.
I just--
How could he-- Gah!
I cannot believe--
I left Santa,
not that he noticed.
I didn't know where to go,
and you said I could
always come here
to the Thirsty Deer.
Well, I am glad you're here.
Can I, uh, buy you
a drink, Mrs. Claus?
Call me Leonard.
Woo! Sexy Why?
Santa:
Thanks for meeting me.
Santa calls
and I come running.
Story of my life.
I know you're pissed,
and I wanted to explain myself.
Yeah, mansplain
S-Sant Sants-plain
Nick, Saint Nick-splain--
Whatever! There's,
there's something there.
You really blew me away
these last few months.
You did.
You proved you have
a million qualities
that make you
so awesome
for this job.
I knew you were
my next Successor.
I had every intention
of choosing you,
but then I saw you
with the kids.
-What kids?
-At the hospital.
You know,
when they all came
in my room to say hi?
That's really when it
became clear to me.
You don't like
being around children,
and they feel
the awkwardness.
They know it.
And they don't like you
as a result of it.
-Fine, but that doesn't--
-L-Let me just
get this out, okay?
You can talk all day
about making Christmas
great for the children
who will one day lead the world,
but can you talk to them?
Connect with them?
No. They ran away from you,
and straight to Devin.
So I'm not
warm and cuddly.
Big deal.
I know how to get
the job done.
Warm and cuddly is the job.
Don't you see my dilemma?
Yo-You-- (sighs)
You don't understand
the pressure of a man
in my position.
How could I, in good conscience,
choose a Santa who is
not good with kids?
-That's something
I could learn.
-Not true.
When it comes to kids,
you either have it or you don't.
-Oh.
-But you're right.
You do know how
to get shit done.
Better than anyone.
And Devin isn't anywhere
near ready to be Santa,
and that's why you're
going to guide him.
Devin will be
the fun and jolly
face of the company,
but you will be
doing the real work,
behind the scenes,
making sure Santa Inc.
runs perfectly.
And you'll be able
to make all your great
new innovations come true.
Yeah, behind the scenes.
Don't let your ego
get in the way, okay?
It doesn't matter who
actually wears the red suit.
You and Devin will both have
the jobs you were meant to do,
but Santa Inc. will
be a better place
because of you.
This wasn't
an easy decision,
but it's right
and it's final.
Do you understand?
Go fuck yourself.
(rock music playing)
♪
Santa ♪
Wait, wha-?
It's, it's Christmas?
Christmas can
suck my dick.
(shouts):
We're loaded!
Tony, help your
Grandpa over here.
I'm covered in bling.
♪
Stuff my stocking ♪
Aye, Aye ♪
Stuff my stocking ♪
Now, pretty baby ♪
Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪
Stuff my stocking ♪
Now, pretty baby ♪
Got a secret package
only for you ♪
Stuff my stocking ♪
(mumble mumble)
Holly Berry ♪
(mumble mumble)
Yule log ♪
(mumble mumble)
Hickory Farms ♪
Stuff my,
stuff my stocking ♪
Now, pretty baby ♪
Gonna make your
Christmas dreams come true ♪
Pretty babe,
stuff my stocking ♪