Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
(QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
- What are you doing?
- What?
You're eating my ficus.
Oh, look at that.
It's really good.
Setting aside the fact that
"you're eating my ficus"
sounds dirty,
you're eating his ficus.
Mm. It's delicious.
Here, try it.
- What? No. No.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Uh
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Mm. Mm.
It smells good. (CHUCKLES)
Take a bite.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
- Oh, my God.
- Right?
- Mm. This is unbelievable.
- (DENISE CHUCKLES)
- BARRY KRIPKE: What's happening?
- You gotta try this.
- You're kidding?
- Just try it.
This is the best damn thing
I've ever put in my mouth
(WITH RHOTACISM) and I've put
some cwazy shit in my mouth. Mm!
- I think I know what's going on.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
This is the most--
- (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- (GAGS, GULPS)
(GULPS) What is happening?
I believe
you're chewing your cud.
She's what-ing her what?
"The human body is a miracle.
We have four stomachs,
just like our ancestors,
the cows."
That's ridiculous.
How could
we be descended from
(GAGS, BELCHES)
(CHEWS)
cows?
All wight.
This universe is stupid.
Push that button and let's get--
(GAGS, BELCHES)
(CHEWS)
Yum!
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪
Stuart fails ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
I've been doing
a little research.
It turns out this universe
is pretty close to ours
before the apocalypse.
Couple of differences.
Baseball doesn't have a DH rule
and they don't
have Skechers Slip-Ins.
That's a drag.
Are you weaving
anything out there, buddy?
BERT KIBBLER: Uh, let's see.
Oh, okay.
John Cougar
is still John Cougar.
He never went back
to Mellencamp.
We have four stomachs
and chew our cud.
Cud.
It's not just
for breakfast anymore.
All right,
we have Kentucky bluegrass.
- Oh, that's me.
- STUART BLOOM: Smells delicious.
- Who had the tall fescue?
- Me.
- Mm. So good.
- (CHUCKLES)
WAITER:
Bermuda for the gentleman.
- STUART: Wow.
- Thank you.
- And the clover for the lady.
- Thank you.
- WAITER: Bon appétit.
- DENISE: Mm.
- (ALL MUNCHING, MOANING)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Hey, guys, I'm gonna throw
something out there.
Why don't we just stay
in this reality?
What happened
to you saving the universe?
I know,
but I mean, let's be honest.
Were any of us really clear on
how that was supposed to work?
- Not really.
- STUART: Right.
And yeah,
this place isn't perfect
(GAGS)
(GULPS)
but there's
no evil computers,
no one's getting burned
at the stake.
- You really want to stay here?
- STUART: Why not?
I mean, we can't get the hang
of that stupid machine.
Every place we go turns out
to be dangerous.
Last place was nice.
I almost married a woman
who thought I was beautiful.
(BURPS)
Yeah, and then
there was a violent riot
and we had to flee
for our lives.
(BURPS) Every rose
has thorns, Stuart.
Hmm. I wonder
what a rose would taste like.
- STUART: Hmm.
- DENISE: Mm.
(ALL MUNCHING)
(ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
DENISE: Thank you.
How was everything?
- Excellent.
- DENISE: So good.
- Delicious.
- Amazing.
- So good.
- Did you save room for dessert?
Chef just got in some corn.
Corn? You trying
to fatten us up?
(CHUCKLES) A little,
but it's worth it.
Fine, one warge corn
for the table.
So, what would we do
if we stayed here?
I would run a comic book store,
you'd work with me,
Bert would be a geologist,
and Kripke'd be an asshole.
Mm, asshole's more of a hobby
than a vocation.
(GAGS, GULPS)
Maybe we could even get married.
Are you (GAGS, BELCHES)
(GULPS)
- proposing?
- (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Depends.
Are you (GAGS, GULPS)
accepting?
I've always imagined
this moment,
but with less vomit in my mouth.
Well, I didn't mean
to put you on the spot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just think about it.
(BOTH GAG, GULP)
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
(ALL MUNCHING, MOANING)
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
- That was really great.
- Yeah.
In the middle there,
did did you moo?
I did. You made me moo.
I think
it's the vegetarian diet.
I'm more peppy.
You sure are.
I worked up an appetite.
You want some hay?
I've got some hay.
Mm, yeah. Gimme.
Hmm.
You know, I was thinking
about what you said at dinner.
And?
I think we could be happy here.
People are really nice.
The food's great.
I hear
the health care's terrific.
One more reason
to call this home.
Mm. Mm. (SPITS)
Sorry. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(BOTH GAG, GULP)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Yeah?
- BERT: It's me and Kripke.
- Can we talk?
- Not a good time.
Or just come in.
- We don't wanna stay in Cowtown.
- Why not?
We did pretty good
in those other universes.
I had sex in three out of five
of them, and granted,
one was with Gary,
but he's a very genewous wover.
If you're not gonna use
the Leonard/Sheldon device,
we want to hit the road.
Mm. Try our wuck somewhere else.
(SOFT EMOTIONAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
What do you think?
They take the machine,
we're here forever.
I'm okay with that.
- It's all yours.
- Thank you.
So, uh
I guess this is goodbye.
I guess so.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Listen, I know I haven't been
the best twaveling companion.
And?
And what?
- Goodbye, Kripke.
- Okay.
- DENISE: Bye, Bert.
- Bye.
(MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- I'm actually gonna miss them.
Yeah.
Think you got one more moo
in you?
- Only one way to find out.
- (GIGGLES)
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
You know what you're doing?
I am a world-wenowned physicist.
- (DEVICE BEEPING)
- I am perfectly capable
of traversing
interdimensional wealities.
- (DEVICE WHIRRING)
- (INTENSE OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PORTAL WARBLES)
- (WHOOSHING)
- (BOTH SCREAMING)
- (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- Bert, stop screaming!
But we're falling to our death!
Do you see a bottom?
- No.
- What's that tell you?
We're falling
to our death eventually.
Or not.
So, now what?
I don't know.
Let's think it through.
(WHOOSHING CONTINUES)
- Anything?
- Nope.
So, back to screaming?
Yeah, I guess so.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I hope we made
the right decision.
I think we did.
It's a beautiful world.
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Ooh, salt lick.
- DENISE: Mm, come to Mama.
Two, please.
(MOANS) Oh, it's so good.
(BOTH MOAN)
- Am I tasting sea salt?
- It's Himalayan.
(MOANS) Oh, yeah.
There's the mountain.
RAJ KOOTHRAPPALI:
Everybody, listen to me!
- The universe is collapsing.
- (MUSIC RISES) ♪
- We're running out of time!
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
We must take action
before it's too late.
No one is safe.
Ignore me all you want,
but it's coming for you!
The end times are near, people!
- Look, it's Raj.
- Oh, he's not dead here.
- That's nice.
- Oh, you think you can go on?
Living your little lives
in your little houses?
It's coming for you!
It's coming for all of you!
- Raj.
- What?
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
Mm, to be honest,
paranoid schizophrenia.
- Be right back.
- (CROWD MURMURING)
Are you familiar
with the galaxy GN-z11?
- Um, no.
- No.
It's the most distant galaxy
the Hubble telescope can see,
and guess what?
- STUART: Mm
- RAJ: Don't bother.
It's a rhetorical question.
The whole damn thing gone.
How can a galaxy disappear?
You sure the Hubble telescope
doesn't have some schmutz on it?
It's the Hubble!
It doesn't have schmutz!
Schmutz happens to everything.
(HESITATES) Listen to me.
It's not just GN-z11.
It's the Triangulum Galaxy
and the Hyperion
proto-supercluster.
- Oh, no.
- Why "oh, no"?
"Oh, yay" sounded wrong.
I-- I've tried calling
and warning everyone.
JPL, NASA, the White House.
You know what they said to me?
They said I was crazy.
STUART: Really?
You screamed that the universe
is coming to an end
to the lady that answers
the phone at the White House
and she didn't
take you seriously?
Entire star systems
at the edge of the universe
are disappearing.
Which means
Sorry, all I got is schmutz.
It means there isn't much time
before everything we know
and love is gone.
Well, how much time
are we talking about?
Not a lot, guys.
Three to four hundred years.
Oh, buddy, even if you're right,
we'll all be dead.
- Who cares?
- "Who cares"?
I'll tell you who cares.
Your great, great, great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great, great,
great, great,
great-grandchildren.
Oh, no. One more great.
Grandchildren?
We haven't really talked
about starting a
- (GAGS, GULPS)
- (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
family.
- Maybe we should.
- Clock's ticking.
Don't you get it?
The universe is ending,
and there's nothing
we can do about it.
- Nothing?
- Not a damn thing.
Okay. Well
good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Good luck with all this.
- Thanks.
Okay.
(MUSIC RISES) ♪
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
- We're all going to die!
- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Push the button!
Get us out of here!
- Oh, right, yeah.
- (BUTTON CLICKS)
- (DEVICE CREAKS, BEEPS)
- (WHOOSHING)
- (BUTTON CLICKS)
- (DEVICE CREAKS, BEEPS)
- Shit!
- It didn't work.
- I know. Hence "shit."
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- Wanna play a game?
- What?
- You know, pass the time.
- You're kidding?
When I was a kid on car trips,
my mom
and I would play 20 questions.
I'm not pwaying 20 questions
while we're falling
through an endwess void.
Okay.
(WHOOSHING CONTINUES)
- Okay, screw it. I got one.
- Great.
- Is it something you eat?
- No.
I give up.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYS, FADES) ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
- Did you lock the door?
- Thought I did.
- Hmm.
- It's about time.
(YELPS)
- What are you doing here?
- What's it look like?
- I'm waiting for you.
- (SIGHS)
- Stuart?
- STUARTS: Yeah?
- Sorry, go ahead.
- Uh, Denise
this is the other me
I told you about.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, you want to explain to me
why you gave
the Leonard/Sheldon thingy
to Bert and Kripke?
Uh, well,
we decided to stay here.
Oh, okay, cool!
"We decided to stay here.
It's great. I don't have
to save the universe.
I can just chew
my frickin' cud."
(SCOFFS)
Other you's kind of a dick.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
You know what?
I'm gonna explain this
as simply as I can.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
- (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Because you are entangled
with the primary incident
of divergence
at a quantum level
- (GAGS, GULPS)
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
(STUART MUNCHES)
- (MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
- you are inextricably bound
to the potential resolution
of the fragmentation
of the multi-state universe.
You get what I'm saying?
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
You're the only one
who can save the universe.
Yeah, well (SIGHS)
maybe I don't want to.
You have to.
Is there someone else
I can talk to?
Like my manager?
I'm a projection
from a collapsing
adjacent reality.
Does that sound like someone
who has a manager?
Well, maybe not a manager,
but there must've been someone
who told you
what time to come in today.
- (GROANS)
- Look.
Even if I wanted
to save the universe,
I don't have the device anymore.
- So order another one!
- (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
How can there be another one?
How can this conversation
be happening?
(SIGHS)
You-- You're not listening to me.
I'm done
with the Leonard/Sheldon thingy
and the universe hopping
and you!
Mostly you.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Don't.
Let me talk to you.
(MUSIC RISES) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Seventh grade, I had a teacher.
Mr. Morinelli.
He's the one who inspired me
to start a geology club.
Uh, it didn't really
catch on at first.
It was just me and Karen Hartman
and Larry O'Malley.
He had a twin brother.
- Can't remember his name.
- (WHOOSHING)
It rhymed with Larry.
It was like Barry or Harry.
Oh, God,
just wet me hit the gwound.
Gary! Gary O'Malley! That's it.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- BERT: I knew I'd remember it.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
("SLEEP WALK" BY SANTO & JOHNNY
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪
"Shrub Hub."
Makes sense.
Shrub Hub.
- Who's ready for Japanese food?
- Me, me.
The only downside
to the whole four stomach thing
is I'm constantly hungry.
I know. Mm, bonsai.
Soy sauce? Thank you.
Do you think that I'm wrong
for bailing out on the whole
"save the universe" thing?
Doesn't matter what I think.
What do you think?
It'd be different
if I signed up for it.
But I didn't,
so I don't feel like
I'm doing anything wrong.
Living my own life,
making my own choices.
Okay.
And besides,
nothing really happens
for hundreds of years.
True.
I mean, sure, there'd be
an infinite number of lives lost
or never even born
across an infinite number
of universes.
- And how's that my problem?
- It most certainly is not.
- Thank you.
- Unless you want it to be.
So, you think I should do it?
I didn't say that.
Denise, I'm not a hero.
I'm a broke-ass failed artist
who owns a comic book store.
In fact, I'm such a failure,
in every universe we go to,
I own a comic book store.
- No argument.
- You can argue a little.
Stuart, this is your decision.
I just think anyone
can be a hero
if they're trying to make life
better for other people.
And as you pointed out,
this would be all people
who exist or ever will exist,
in every possible universe.
("SLEEP WALK" CONTINUES PLAYING) ♪
If I do this, we could end up
in a much worse situation
than what we have right now.
There are no bad situations
as long as I'm with you.
(BOTH GAG, GULP)
- Mm, your cud tastes great.
- Right back at you, baby.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(MUNCHES)
- Stuart Bloom?
- Yes, sir.
(SIGHS)
You want to sign for this?
- Gary.
- All day long.
- Denise, look. It's Gary.
- I see.
Do I know you guys?
We were married
in another universe.
Didn't work out.
STUART: There's also, uh,
another version of you
who knew another version of her.
- Uh-huh.
- But he's dead.
Mm.
I hate this job.
DENISE: Oh.
Look, this one came
with instructions.
- Oh, really?
- And a warranty.
"Congratulations
on your purchase
of an interdimensional
transport device."
- Ooh, it's got Bluetooth.
- Now, I don't understand.
If Bert and Barry
took the device,
how is there another one?
Uh, let me look.
"Don't use near water.
Caution. Small parts,
choking hazard."
Okay, here we go.
"This is a quantum echo
of the original device.
It both exists
and does not exist.
And when activated,
it will merge
with the original device."
You know, I'm just gonna
stop asking questions.
- Let's go.
- Mm.
Oh, uh, just one more thing.
Kyle, Trevor.
Denise and I
are gonna leave this universe
'cause I'm on a mission
to prevent the destruction
of reality itself.
- Okay.
- Sure, yeah.
You really don't
have any questions?
I got one. This Batman #608
has a water stain.
Any flexibility on price?
No. Goodbye, guys.
(DEVICE WHIRRING, BEEPING)
- (DEVICE HUMS)
- (PORTAL WARBLES)
(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
I think you can just take it.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (BOTH SCREAMING)
- (WHOOSHING)
- (SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Yeah, wight. Give it a west.
(SHOUTING) Give it a rest?
Are you crazy?
- What is happening?
- We're falling.
Yeah, we got that!
What kind of universe is this?
I don't think we made it
to another universe.
I think we're stuck
between universes.
What exists between universes?
Best guess?
Sort of
an interdimensional taint?
Think of it like being stuck
between the balls
of one universe
and the asshole of another.
You're disgusting!
Get us out of here!
We tried.
The machine is not working.
Because you haven't been chosen
to save the universe!
Oh, and you have?
- Denise, tell 'em!
- It's true! He's him!
Think of me like Neo,
or maybe Jesus.
Oh, Jesus? Really?
Just push the button!
- (BUTTON CLICKS)
- (DEVICE CHIRPING, WHIRRING)
(MUSIC RISES) ♪
- (PORTAL WARBLES)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
STUART: (THINKING)
Everything looks normal.
DENISE: What'd you say?
STUART: I said it looks normal.
DENISE: Your mouth isn't moving.
STUART: Neither is yours.
BERT: I think we're hearing
each other's thoughts.
BARRY: That's gonna be
a big pwoblem for me.
Why?
Why what?
Why is it gonna be
a big problem?
BARRY: My mother bathed me
till I was 12.
Damn it!
("PSYCHIC CITY"
BY YACHT PLAYING) ♪
I used to live, live
In a psychic city ♪
I never knew
What would happen in a day ♪
I might be looking
Out the window ♪
And a friend might say ♪
"Come on over, over
Come on over, over ♪
Come on over
We're having a party for you ♪
Come on over, over
Come on over, over ♪
Come on over
We're having a party for you" ♪
(SINGERS VOCALIZING) ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪