The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Mm, thanks, Alice.
Ladies, I would like to propose a toast.
To the successful launch
of Project Brady Bunch.
Six happy kids, two lucky parents
and an interested bystander.
Hear! Hear!
And with all due respect,
according to my calculations,
you've only just blasted
off the launching pad.
Yes, but we're off to a good start.
Oh, yes, ma'am, I only meant
to say it'll take time.
Lots of it.
Look how smoothly
things have gone so far.
Why, this place is like a paradise.
Come here. I want
to show you something.
Look at that.
( laughter and chatter )
See? They're getting along just great.
Just like she said paradise.
Half of six-four is
Three-two.
I like to be fair.
Now, everything to the
left of the shoe is hers.
Everything to the right is his: 50-50.
Hmm 51-49.
There. 50-50.
There.
We used to have plenty
of space around here
till all these cartons arrived from storage.
Well, don't forget, you've added
four women to your household.
Four women and 444 cartons.
Marcia, how come
you get two dresser drawers
and I only get one?
She wears fatter clothes.
Longer, not fatter.
Mommy says you fill out, not up.
Oh, here's some more stuff.
Oh, thanks, boys. Just put it anywhere.
CAROL: Oh, those three boxes
by the door go in the girls' room.
We have to lug them in there?
Yes, you do.
When the time comes, they'll help you.
It's called family cooperation, boys.
You scratch their backs
and they scratch yours.
I don't want any girl
scratching my back.
Just wait a few years, shrimp.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's get going, boys.
Here, let me help you.
Boys, when you're through with that,
put these empty cartons in the trash.
I'll be back in a minute.
I'll tell you what:
I'll trade you 14 inches of closet space
for an extra dresser drawer.
Okay. It's a deal.
What about me?
One drawer is enough for you.
What happens when I start to fill out?
I'll be married and gone by then.
Thank goodness.
We've been waiting for those.
Oh, we took our time
'cause this is so much fun.
Where do you want this junk?
It's not junk.
My carton goes on this bed.
Mine goes here.
My carton goes on that bed,
but nobody's got my carton.
No, that one goes here.
Would Your Royal Highnesses
care to make up their minds?
Look, we've got enough trouble
trying to put these things away.
Oh, that's a rotten shame, huh, Greg?
Yeah. All's we have to do
is carry the cartons for you.
Where's mine?
Bobby's bringing that one up.
I sure hope it has more hair ribbons
and stuffed animals.
You're running low on those things.
There's no need to be sarcastic.
Hey, this weighs a ton. Make up
your mind where you want it.
Let's see now. That one goes
Goes right where he drops it.
Yeah, do your own switching!
It's heavy!
What you got in it anyway?
Don't you dare open that!
That's unmentionables. Yeah.
What's unmentionables?
If we wanted to mention them,
they wouldn't be unmentionables.
Now, stop being so nosy.
And go see if there's anything else.
Yes, madame, whatever you say.
Boy, talk about being bossy!
Boy, is this thing heavy!
Just drop it anywhere, Bobby,
and come with us.
Good-bye, dragon ladies.
( Marcia makes rude sound )
Excuse me.
Oh, it's you.
I'm collecting the empties.
I told the boys to do that.
At the risk of being branded an informer,
they walked off the job.
Why?
At the risk
of being branded two informers,
I don't think they like
the working conditions.
Leave them right there.
It's collective bargaining time.
( Sighing )
( Rattling and knocking )
( Sighing )
Well, boys?
We're sick of doing things for them, Dad.
"Do this. Do that."
They're a real pain.
Yeah. They're too bossy.
GREG: And all that junk
they bring in the house
dolls and stuffed animals
and and those hair ribbons.
Thousands of hair ribbons.
We're surrounded by hair ribbons.
MIKE: Boys now, listen to me.
Before I ever proposed to Carol,
the four of us had a very long talk
about Marcia, Jan and Cindy.
Remember it?
Now, I told you to speak then
or forever hold your peace.
Now, who recalls what you said?
Peter?
It's kind of hard to remember.
That was three months ago.
Yeah, we were just kids then.
Greg?
We said we wanted you to get married.
That's right.
And when I did, I promised
not only to love Carol
but her girls as well.
Well
I do love them.
Okay, Dad, we get the point.
From now on, we'll really try to relate.
Right, fellas?
Okay.
I'm ready to relate.
I'll relate, too whatever that means.
Good.
Mike?
( Sighing )
Half of six-four
Is three-two.
Amazing.
That shoe keeps
moving without a foot in it.
Oh, Mike, you're just splitting hairs.
More evenly than you're splitting closets.
( Clearing throat )
Trouble?
His or hers?
One of each.
The bathroom.
( Sighing )
Carol, I am putting you on your honor.
Who? Me?
Yes.
You call this sharing a bathroom?
I call it sharing a beauty parlor.
Men. You want your women
to look beautiful,
but you aren't going to cooperate.
I'll cooperate and I'll throw all this junk
right out the window.
You do it and you'll go right out after it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
All right, what's the trouble?
Dad, would you look at this!
I can't even find my toothbrush.
Listen, you're the two oldest kids,
but you really ought to take
a lesson from the others.
Now, they're getting along just fine.
Hey!
Where did you get that?
Out back.
That belongs in our clubhouse.
Bring it back!
Finders, keepers, losers, weepers!
Bring that sign back!
You'll have to catch me first!
When I do, I'm going to slug you!
You wouldn't dare!
Want to make a bet?!
You'd better take that off
by the time I count to three:
One
I bet you can't even count to three.
Two
you don't scare me.
Two-and-a-half.
Hey, hey, what's the arithmetic for?
When I get to three,
I'm going to scalp her.
Why?
For wearing my outfit.
I'm Little Owl, not her.
Well, I think Cindy makes a Petty Squaw.
Yuck!
Oh, this stuff makes me swoon.
Give me back my "One I Love"!
Make me!
You give that back right now!
Come and get it.
Stop!
That's what all girls say.
Two-and-three-quarters
Greg. Marcia.
Greg Brady, you give that here!
That sign belongs to us!
( Shrieks ) Three!
Bobby, wait a minute.
Well
Stop it!
Here's what it says in the dictionary:
"To share: To divide
into fair and equal portions."
Well, I think that's fair.
MARCIA: Mom!
Mommy!
Help!
( Boys shouting and girls screaming )
( All clamoring )
Alice, what do you call this?!
Paradise, remember? ( Screaming )
When your mother and I were married,
the man said, "For better or worse."
We've had enough worse.
Now, we're going to have some better.
Effective immediately, we share
and share alike.
Everything bathrooms,
tom-toms, whatever.
Got it?
Good. Let's forget
what happened this morning.
From now on, it's gonna be
all for one and one for all.
All those in favor?
Aye.
Come on. All those in favor?
ALL: Aye.
That's better.
Right this way, sir.
What what's this all about?
You'll see.
It's about this.
50-50.
Naw
Well, your speech really hit home.
I wasn't talking about you
well, primarily.
Quote: "Effective immediately,
we all share and share alike."
Unquote.
You know something?
I grow to like you
more and more every day.
GREG: Dad, come quick!
In the backyard!
( Kids clamoring )
Mike!
Hold it down.
Hold it down!
( Clamoring stops )
Look, Dad, look what they did curtains!
And rugs!
Girl stuff.
They totaled the place!
Well, I think it looks lovely.
Honey, it may be lovely for girls,
but not for a boys' clubhouse, it isn't.
Correction: Boys' and girls' clubhouse.
Correction: Boys' clubhouse.
Mike?
Okay, everybody out. Come on, kids.
Oh, Alice! Oh
Come, on everybody out.
Come on, kids. Come on.
I want to see them fight.
Out.
Come on, kids. Everybody, come on.
Carol, there are certain places
where women are just not permitted.
Name one. Just one.
Boys' clubhouses
and men's locker rooms.
That's two. Whatever happened
to share and share alike?
Carol, this is different.
How?
I'm sure if the girls had a doll house,
and the boys wanted to play in it,
there wouldn't be any problem.
Oh, yes, there would.
If my boys wanted to play
in anybody's doll house,
I'd take them to a psychiatrist.
Look, there are times when men
want a place of their own.
I still say that girls have a right
to anything that boys have.
How about beards?
That isn't funny.
Oh, honey
I'm sorry.
Boy, paradise is sure taking
a beating around here today.
My feet hurt.
I'm thirsty.
Let's rest up and try it again.
These picket signs won't do any good.
It always works at colleges.
I don't want to picket anymore.
Me, neither.
Well, do you have any better ideas?
Girls, let's talk
about this clubhouse business.
Maybe we can move to South America
and live with the Amazons.
They're all women, aren't they?
Yeah, but you got to be over six feet tall.
Boy, I bet they have a big clubhouse.
One thing's sure:
We're not gonna give in.
We women have to stick up
for our rights.
That's true, but let's think
about men's rights for a minute.
Now, girls, in order to get along,
sometimes you have to
compromise a little.
And we'll never let 'em in.
Never. Never.
Never is a very long time, fellas.
Remember, these women
are living with us now.
Yeah, but we're fighting for a principle,
for men to have a place of their own.
Well, did you ever see
a woman in the YMCA?
Mrs. Carson, she runs the whole thing.
Oh, she's just a secretary there.
Now, listen, fellas.
Let's just slow down a minute.
Honey, there's nothing
to worry about anymore
I talked to the boys. And?
I think I straightened them out.
Oh, Mike, that's great. Yeah.
How about that. How about what?
Well, I talked to the girls.
They understand things better now.
Is that amazing?
Two great minds with a single thought.
Oh, nobody can say we don't
understand each other.
Well, I'm glad you were finally able
to convince the boys they were wrong.
Honey, I didn't convince them they
were wrong, because they weren't.
I just explained how important it is
to compromise with the girls
no matter how wrong
they think the girls are.
Well, who said the girls were wrong?
You did. You just said they
understand things better.
Well, they do I told them
they have to learn to go along
with men's little idiosyncrasies.
( Chuckling ): I see.
And, uh, women don't have
any idiosyncrasies?
Well, certainly, but a different kind.
A woman's idiosyncrasy is right,
and a man's is wrong?
No, but a woman has to be more flexible.
Oh, come on, honey.
A man's more flexible than a woman.
Huh! Says men.
Do you get the feeling that between
the time I walked in here and now,
something has gone very wrong?
Yeah. Me, too.
Hi, Alice.
No fair peeking in the pots before dinner.
I wasn't gonna peek in the pot.
Oh.
I was gonna ask you a question.
Go ahead, ask.
Who do you think is right
about the clubhouse?
The boys or the girls?
I'd rather have you peek in the pots.
Come on, Alice. Who do you
really think is right?
You want to know what I really think?
Yeah.
I think you ought to get out of here
before I take sides.
Oh, come on, Alice.
I'm sorry, Greg, I'm not gonna get
in the middle of this one. Out, out, out.
Go in the backyard and
play ball or something.
Alice
Sorry, Marcia, I can't
answer that question.
But I haven't even asked you anything.
Oh, that's right.
Go ahead, ask.
Do you think the girls are right
about the clubhouse, or the boys?
Like I said, sorry, Marcia,
I can't answer that question.
Alice, are you a mind reader?
Housekeeper. Same thing.
Alice, please.
Sorry, Mrs. Brady,
no way will I get involved
in the great clubhouse debate.
But, Alice, I need your help.
When you two promised
to love, honor, et cetera,
I promised to butt out.
Well, I'm granting you immunity
to butt back in, with no reprisals.
I'll handle the really big decisions
like how much butter on the toast,
how long to bake the potatoes,
that sort of thing
but when it comes to trivia,
like how to salvage a family
that's up to you and Mr. Brady.
Alice, I need your hel
Excuse me, it's time
for me to start something.
Maybe I'll make it dinner.
What did you mean,
"Alice, I need your help"?
"Help"? Oh, I didn't say, "help."
I said, "hel," like in helmet.
"Alice, I need your helmet?"
Come on.
I happen to belong
to the National Guard,
and we're having a meeting
a week from Wednesday.
( Melodramatic music playing on TV )
MAN ( on TV ): Please,
Sandra, can't we work this out?
SANDRA: No, lance.
It's too late.
You treated me
like a second-class citizen
for the last time.
I'll do anything to win you back.
Anything, Lance?
Anything.
Very well, then.
My price is
yes, Sandra?
My price is equality in the home.
Equality?
Yes, Lance, equality.
You must treat me not as a possession,
but as an equal.
MAN: Done, Sandra.
Done.
Like I said, I promised not to butt in,
but when Sandra said
"equality" to Lance,
I just lost my head.
Alice, there's one major flaw in your plan.
I would make it a complete mess.
That's the whole idea.
It is?
Yes, it is!
Alice, you've got the mind
of a master criminal.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Well, Alice, you've done it again.
( Smacking )
What would I do without you?
( Smacking )
Oh, that's fine, Jan.
Cindy, you can measure that
piece of wood for Mommy, okay?
( Hammering and sawing )
What's up, Dad?
I see it, but I don't believe it.
What? That.
What are they doing?
It looks like they're
trying to build something.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe a girls' clubhouse?
A clubhouse?! That's hysterical.
Let's watch them.
Okay, but let's be careful.
I don't want them to see us.
Ha, there.
Well, the floor goes in next I think.
Shouldn't the sides come first?
What's the difference?
Bring me a 2 x 4.
What's a 2 x 4?
A skinny 4 x 4.
This looks like a good one.
( Whispering ): We've
got an audience, girls.
Make it good.
Bring it on over here.
We'll put it on the sawhorse.
Ah
There.
( laughter )
Sorry, Mother.
There are some pieces
of wood over there
you girls can put together.
Here are the nails.
( Nails spilling )
( laughter )
This is better than Laurel and Hardy.
Yeah, and no commercials.
It's the first building in history
that needed to be condemned
before it was even built.
Well, just grab a handful
and get started, okay?
Cindy, you stay here and help Mommy.
There.
Be careful, Mommy.
We're running short on saws.
( Chuckles )
That woman just destroyed
a brand-new saw.
That's nothing. You should
have been here earlier
when Jan was pounding nails
with your golf clubs.
Golf clubs?
Only the nine iron.
Okay, girls, time to put up the wall.
Here we go.
That's it.
Okay, right there.
Now, you hold it while I
while I hammer the nail in.
Oh, my, it almost hit Cindy.
This isn't funny anymore.
Greg, you and Peter,
start tearing apart this alleged frame.
Bobby, we need all the nails
you can find.
Okay, girls, don't just stand there.
Working men get thirsty.
We need lemonade and lots of it.
Mike, I feel guilty.
Yeah, honey.
Really, I have a confession to make.
You tried to trick us.
We tried to trick you.
I mean, the whole thing
was nothing but a scheme
Honey, you are a wonderful mother
and a great wife,
but you are a rotten actress.
Well two out of three isn't bad.
( Both chuckling )
I'll go help with the lemonade.
Okay, men, I want to hear the sounds
of a real building being put up.
The credit for this fine
new girls' clubhouse
belongs to all those who participated,
and looking around,
that seems to include everyone
plus, my buddies
at the paint store and the lumberyard.
I think we learned
some valuable lessons:
The importance of sharing
and the importance of respecting
each other's privacy.
So it is with great pride
that I now declare
this new girls' clubhouse
officially dedicated.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
( loud creaking )
( Screaming )
What happened? What happened?
Bobby, come here.
When we ran out of nails and boards,
and you got some for us,
where did you get the nails?
Well, I pulled them out of there.
You dummy!
Wait a minute! It's all right.
We can use this clubhouse!
Good idea! Yeah!
Wait a minute, this one's ours!
JAN: Yeah, the girls' clubhouse.
We're supposed to share
things, remember?
Share and share alike.
( All arguing )
Mike
I guess it's all part of paradise.
( Still arguing )
( Whistling )
You ought to see
those kids sitting in there,
watching television
like nothing had ever happened.
Be careful, Mr. Brady.
They might just be recharging
their batteries.
Oh, I don't think so, Alice.
Not after all the lessons
they learned today.
She's right. From here on out,
it's gonna be smooth sailing.
GREG: Hey, we were
watching a ball game!
MARCIA: Well, we want
to see the travel show.
GREG: But it's a tie score!
Did you say, "smooth sailing"?
( Argument continuing )
Okay, we sprung a leak.