The Cleaner (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Aye, aye!
Someone's happy.
Probably still pissed.
Simon, the breathalyser.
It won't register.
I've put 2p under my tongue.
That's never worked!
Went to see the Mondays
last night, didn't I?
No way.
Son, I'm 30
I only went with your
mother cos she's dirty ♪
You went with my mum?
Oh, put that back, dipshit.
Were they any good, then?
Oh, my God, they were awesome.
Just like the old days.
I can't believe you went to see
the Happy Mondays
and didn't get me a ticket.
You could have come. Weasel's mum
wouldn't let him out,
cos he'd been nicking
from her purse. Oh, bugger it.
What happened here, then?
Oh, this is a mental one.
Holiday home here.
Next house along is a farm.
Old MacDonald's driving past,
he sees it's being burgled,
he decided he's Jason Statham,
kicks the door in
and lets the poor bastard
have it with both barrels.
Oh, God. Is he dead?
No, but he's a mess.
Guess who it was.
Who? Tubby.
Tubby Rogers?
Ah, he was never going to be
a brain surgeon, Tubs, was he?
No, not any more.
One of his arms got blown off.
Oh, God. Having two hands
was sort of top of his list
of best qualities, wasn't it?
The area is secure of OSG
and ready for
a decontamination sweep.
Been watching Line Of Duty again?
I told him. Right, ta-ra.
Oh, the owner's in,
and she doesn't like blood.
Hello?
Yes?
Crime scene cleaner.
I'm here to clean up?
Oh, um, well,
it's through the kitchen.
I can't come down.
Blood makes me gip.
Gip!
Right, well, we can't have
the lady gipping, can we, Wicky?
Crucify some brother today
And I ♪
Ah, Tubby!
Course you had a massive hand.
"Hey, babe, just got back.
I love our little getaway.
"Here's a silly poem for you
to read before bed.
"It's called For Jamie.
"When we became we, I let I die
"But she watches down
with a smile from the sky."
Absolute shit.
What's shit?
Oh
I was just thinking about
..cats. Aren't they shit?
OK. Um, I've made tea,
but you're going to have to
come and get it cos I can't
I can't go over there.
I don't want to see it. Blimey!
you really don't like blood, do you?
Don't, don't.
I'll heave if you even
speak about it, honestly.
I can't Is it bad?
Uh
..yeah
Quite bad.
What happened to the burglar?
Ah, poor Tubby.
Put it like this, he's not
going to play the piano again.
I'm joking. He can't read music.
He can't read.
He can't drive
..or see his kids.
Good job you weren't home, hey?
I don't live here.
It's a holiday home.
Yeah, I've just come down
from Manchester.
Ooh, nice little hideaway.
It's a nightmare, to be honest.
Who wants to holiday
where they grew up?
What? You're not a Brummie.
Yeah, I was born in Stourbridge,
thank you.
Do a bit of Brummie, then.
No. It's fine if you can't.
I can. I just don't want to,
under the circumstances.
I've got a good way
of getting back into it
if you want, you know.
You just have to say the sentence,
"I'm not fit to babysit."
Mate, what's wrong with you?
It works every time, honest.
Yes, I know.
Yeah, I'll show you, look.
Oi!
You're not fit to babysit!
You're not fit to babysit.
I'm perfectly fit to babysit.
You ain't, babs!
You ain't fit to babysit. I am!
You're not fit You're not fit to
babysit. I'm fit to babysit!
You're not fit to babysit!
Maggie?
Oh, my God! Wicky.
Blood. Oh, uh
Don't you, because I'll
A finger.
It's just a finger
Sorry, I'll be outside. Yeah.
I managed to hold it in.
Oh Can't believe a bit of blood
still does that to you.
A bit? It's like a pissed werewolf's
been in there.
And that's it, is it?
That's the first thing you're going
to say to me after 20 years?
Oh
It's never been 20 years, has it?
Oh, it is. I can give you
the exact date, if you want.
Oh. What you doing here, Wicky?
Is this your job now? Cleaner?
Crime scene cleaner.
It's a bit more specialist, like.
You was the messiest bugger
I've ever known.
You can talk. Taking your tights
and your pants off
all at once and leaving them
all over the floor.
I still do that.
A figure of eight,
you used to call it.
Yeah, the smelly figure of eight.
Smelly?
Ah, it's good to see you, though.
Two houses now, is it,
you flash twat?
Sod off. My husband bought it.
Oh. Oh, you got married.
Course I did. Because
I'm incredibly beautiful,
and it's been years since we
Since you dumped me, yeah. Did I?
I didn't, did I? Did I?
I've got to make a call.
Maggie? Yeah? Are you not going to
ask if I'm married?
Do I need to, Wicky?
What do you mean?
Well, do you even have a partner?
Yes, I have a partner.
Oh, what's her name?
Amanda Louise Hibbert.
That's her full name, like.
I would think so. It's massive.
Yeah, isn't it?
She's back, it seems.
And she writes shit poems.
There you are.
No blood? All clean?
It is scientifically impossible
for those to be any cleaner
than they are.
Hey, I found something
you might like earlier.
Where is it?
What are you doing now, then?
You working?
Or do you just live off
your super-rich husband now?
That's it, 1970s man.
I've got my own little gallery,
for your information. Art?
Yeah. Oh, no, that's good.
It's good that you stuck with it.
Glasto?
Yeah. '91, '92?
Oh. Look at that.
The whole gang, look.
Look at them all.
What a bunch of losers.
Do you remember them all?
Well, yeah.
What was the weirdo's name?
It's Weasel. Weasel.
I once watched him drink
a glass of his own piss for a bet.
I saw him drink a glass of
someone else's piss last week
just because he was thirsty.
Wicky, you don't still
go down the White Horse?
Every Friday.
No.
It's better now, like.
They've got Sky
and a Tipping Point quiz machine.
Bloody hell.
Oh!
Pretty rock'n'roll place for us
to get together, though, eh?
Do you think?
A festival? Are you joking?
Ah, forgotten
the rush of a live band?
We didn't see any live bands
that weekend, Wicky.
I spent the whole of the Saturday
in the medical tent
with you.
The bad trip!
You was a right mess.
You still got off with me,
didn't you?
Yes, well, you was vulnerable
and I've had therapy since,
so I no longer find weakness horny.
I don't suppose you take drugs
any more, do you, you square?
Oh, yeah, that's me, big square.
Or a mum. Up to you.
You
You've had kids?
Yeah, I've got one.
Well, he's not a kid any more.
He leaves uni soon.
Huh.
Right, well
I'd better get on. Good.
It's funny. I do remember
you saying you never wanted kids.
I didn't, did I?
Oh, you did, you definitely did.
You said they were parasites.
You said they're parasites
that make your tits flat.
Huh, well, that proves what I know,
cos my tits remain perky.
Well, too perky, if anything.
Hurgh! Blood.
It's never been 20 years.
No, it has,
because I'm nearly 50
and you left me on the night
of my 30th birthday.
Do you remember?
Oh, God.
"Oh, Jay, what did I do
before we met? Who was I?
"Just a pooh stick waiting to
be plucked from the water
"by a real man."
Oh, yeah, right, because
real men love pooh sticks.
"When you wooed me, Jamie,
"my eyes opened
like petals in spring.
"You lit the first candle
in this little heart."
The first, yeah?
All right.
Time to put the cat
amongst the pigeons.
Thought I'd save you
a load of journeys.
I hadn't taken any.
What? Drugs at Glasto.
I hadn't taken any.
There was no bad trip.
What are you talking about?
I wanted to spend time with you,
so I pretended.
I knew you'd look after me, so
No, Wicky, you said
you was hallucinating.
Yeah, it was an act.
A brilliant act.
No, you kept saying,
"My hands are like meat.
My hands are as heavy as meat."
"My hands are likethey're heavy
as meat, yeah! Maggie!"
Sweet, though, right?
And ten years later
No, it's bloody mental.
Are you all right?
You seem really wound up.
Yes! I'm fine.
Bells.
I just think it's sweet
I tried to get you on your own.
Well, it backfired, didn't it?
Cos we had to get
a bloody taxi back to Brum.
Yeah, with that weirdo.
Who takes a taxi to a festival?
Besserman.
Jamie Besserman, that little gimp.
Mmm. He was a hero that weekend
because he took us home.
Not really, Maggie. He kept
his meter on. He charged me.
That's about right.
He was always going to make money,
that boy.
That's not the reason
why I married him, of course.
No
Not Besserman.
Besserman didn't pluck
the pooh stick, Maggie?
You married Jamie Besserman?
Not being rude, Maggie,
but he's a boring,
money-grubbing turd.
He isn't boring.
He's not boring? He used to
have a feather collection.
They weren't even good feathers.
Most of them were pigeon.
What does it matter, Wicky?
I just thought,
when you and I split up,
you'd end up with someone good.
Not a taxi driver
with a massive head.
Massive head?
Grow up. He's a pumpkin-head.
Hey, and I'll tell you
something else -
he looks like someone balancing
a wheel of cheese on his head.
He stopped talking long enough
about his taxi empire
to have a kid, then, did he?
Piss off.
He worked so hard in the early days,
he was barely home.
Well, that's a result.
You wouldn't have to listen
to his rubbish stories.
Oh, come on. You come on.
I once sat in a pub for an hour
listening to him tell me about
a time he did a massive hop.
He was bloody good to me.
He worked his arse off
so I could get that gallery.
Well, who wouldn't have?
I didn't know you were
that serious about your art.
Well, you never asked.
I only took up painting
to avoid being dragged down
that bloody pub.
The Horse?
You loved it down the Horse.
I once spent the entire weekend
watching you and your mates
perfect an impersonation
of a local butcher.
Bob Taylor?
Oh, my
"If you want shome chops
"or shome offcutsh, that'sh fine,
"but if you want shomething
more shpecialisht
"like a shirloin, you'll have
to come back on Shaturday."
What a legend.
Ah, not with us any more, sadly.
Cansher.
Oh, God, it's like
being back down there.
Maggie Well, show us
some of your art, then.
I'm interested.
Ohh!
This is the sort of stuff
you're doing.
Yeah, we sell a lot of those.
It's sweet. I still can't believe
you married that taxi driver,
but it's sweet.
That was just a practice one
when my Tommy was born.
It's his 20th tomorrow.
He's 20?
And when did you and Besserman
get together?
Oh, don't start.
It was way after we broke up.
Oh, my God.
What?
I knew it.
Knew what?
I knew it as soon as I saw him.
My sweet child.
He's got Dad's eyes.
Now you laugh at me.
You deny me my son for 20 years,
then you laugh at me?
Then I deny my son!
Plastic? You would emboss my son
upon plastic?
He's not yours, you tit.
He's five-foot three
and likes vegetables.
Right, well, you must have got
together with Besserman
pretty quickly after we split up,
Maggie. Well, we obviously did,
but, Wicky,
what would you have done?
Taught him how to do impressions
of a local butcher?
Oh, yeah, that's funny, is it?
Is this funny?
Blood!
Yeah.
Wicky, close it.
Away with you
..gip queen.
Wicky
It's safe.
Ooh.
You're good, you, aren't you?
Yeah.
Sorry. I was a bit mean before.
We had a good time, didn't we?
Course we did.
Do you want another cup of tea?
Yeah.
"When you make love to me,
"I know that I've never
been touched before.
"All previous lovers were dust
thrown into the wind.
"To tickle and tease me before
I opened my petals for you."
Oh, come on!
You come on!
Do you remember our holiday
to Greece?
I do.
Perfect, wasn't it?
No. You brought Weasel.
Yeah, yeah, well,
I had to bring him, didn't I?
He'd just had a hernia operation.
That's not the reason
I remember Greece anyway.
Eh? Come on.
We were shagging for the whole trip,
weren't we? Oh, yeah.
It was a bit early-days frenetic,
wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
We always did have good sex.
We did, yeah.
What was that? What?
That
No, nothing. No, it was good.
It was good.
What? Well, it was a bit samey.
Samey?
Yeah, but that's all right.
I mean, it's not your fault.
You're not built
for a variety of angles,
are you? You're so tall.
I'm all about the angles.
People know me for the angles.
Wicky, it's like being taken
from behind
by the Eiffel Tower,
and you can't go on top,
which is
Are you actually joking?
I'm amazing on top.
It's easy for you to say.
You're not trapped under this.
You're shit at art.
I knew it.
You've been dying to say that.
Well, there you go.
Sorry I wasn't the first one
to open up your dusty petals
or whatever.
What?
Yeah, don't even
I found the letters
and I don't even feel bad
about reading them.
Honestly, I feel like
I dodged a bullet.
I'm amazed you weren't gipping
while you were writing these.
"Oh, I love
our little holiday home.
"As soon as I see you,
it makes my pooky all wet."
Named your vagina, have you,
you monster?
"Even if I have to share you
with her"
"Share you with her,"
whoever that
Because the
the sharing is, um, with
Yeah.
I never sent Jamie letters, Wicky.
These aren't your letters.
They're not my letters.
So these would have been
written by someone to
To my husband, yeah.
That's what the, uh
Meant you.
What a knobhead.
She means Besserman.
"Oh, Jay,
what did I do before we met?
"You deflowered me." I hope
it wasn't in my bathroom.
There she goes, yeah.
"When you make love to me,
"I know that I've never been
touched before."
What? Bullshit.
Jay? He hated being called Jay.
That is not a proper use
of an apostrophe. Look.
Who calls her snatch a pooky?
Ugh!
Jamie Besserman.
This is the size of his head.
This is what I think of
your pooh sticks, Pooky.
He was shit in bed anyway.
Ah, I'm so sorry, Mags.
It's OK.
Do you know what?
I think I always knew he was
cheating, really. I don't know.
Yeah. He must have been
meeting her here
for years, then, was he?
Yeah, on business trips.
Brainstorming new ideas, eh? Alone.
What a bastard.
In our holiday home, too.
Bet you wish you'd come to
that birthday party now, eh?
Oh, here we go.
You missed a great party
..forward slash,
faithful life partner.
I was waiting for you, you know.
Had such a bloody laugh
down the pub.
Then the boys
had organised that rave.
I felt so stupidly free
..but I was looking for you.
And you just never came.
Maggie!
I know.
You were the only one
I wanted there.
I'm here now.
Right, trousers off, lie down.
What do you mean?
Come on, Wicky. We both know
it only works one way for us.
It does not only work
one way for us.
You just watch.
There you go -
this would nearly work.
Nearly, yeah.
Well, go up on your tiptoes.
That's going to hurt my feet.
All right, Nana.
You could get on these.
You're not jacking me up.
I'm not a bloody car.
What's this?
Just looked it up online.
It's froggy style.
Who's the frog? I'm the frog!
Agh!
Oh, you all right?
There, what's wrong with this?
How long can you keep that up?
You've got no upper-body strength,
love. Yeah.
Yay!
Oh, this is better than sex
anyway.
Suck my toe.
Stop being weird.
You still get
lower-back problems?
Yeah, it does spasm a bit, yeah.
Yeah.
Put me down.
Yeah.
Maybe it didn't work.
I told you.
See?
Just like the old days.
Stay still. Sorry.
I've got a point to prove too.
What are you going to do?
Go home for my son's birthday.
Really? Yeah.
I have to be there
for his birthday.
You understand that,
being his dad.
What about Besserman?
Are you going to forgive him?
What do you think?
What?
Nothing.
I know that face.
Say what's on your mind.
It's funny, isn't it?
I've thought loads over the years
about what I'd say to you,
but, now you're here,
I haven't got a voice.
Well, what would he say?
Who?
The legend, of course. Bob Taylor.
Oh! Oh
Well, I shupposhe,
fundamentally shpeaking,
if I wash being honesht,
if I was shpeaking, if I may,
from the shentre of my shoul
Get on with it, Bob.
..that shince you left
..I have been waiting for you
..and that with every birthday
that passes,
I wonder if, this time
..you'll come back.
Oh, Wicky.
I have to go.
He's not a big man,
is he, Besserman?
Yeah, cos he's
the freaky-size one.
Oh
Off, then? Yeah.
Good. Listen,
I've got stuff to do.
I've got to fumigate the place
anyway Of course, yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, do a good job, innit?
I guess, uh
..we'll never know,
then, will we,
you know, what would have happened
if you'd turned up to the birthday?
I think we do, yeah.
Loads of nights in the White Horse
watching a man drink his own piss.
You can't go back to him.
I'm not going back to him, Wicky.
Well, good. That's good.
You left me for the wrong bloke.
I didn't leave you for Jamie.
Or because of your weird friends.
Or because of any other
conspiracy theory.
Right, OK,
so I'll pack and I'll
No.
We had our time, Wicky,
and a bloody good time it was, too,
but it just wasn't enough.
Is it enough for you any more?
I mean, the Happy Mondays are not
going to tour forever, are they?
Yep. Still shit.
Kinky Afro by Happy Mondays
You go spooky in a band
Son, I'm 30
I only went with your mother
cos she's dirty
And I don't have
a decent bone in me
What you get
is just what you see, yeah ♪
Lads! Let's stay like this forever!
..I never help or give
to the needy
Come on and see me ♪
Take me away from all this.
Where to?
Anywhere, Jamie.
Anywhere.
..So come on and say it
Now, come on and tell me twice
I said, "Dad, you are shabby."
You run around and groove
like a baggy
You're only here
just out of habit ♪
All right?
Well, well, well.
Yeah, I've just finished.
It was a messy one. Very messy.
I'm sure you've done
a lovely job, Mr Mop.
Yeah, of course I have.
I'll tell you what, though.
First job in years
that's made me gip.
Don't tell anyone, eh?
Right, well, you buy me a drink
when I see you on Friday
and I'll, um
I'll keep it quiet.
Friday? Am I seeing you on Friday?
Yeah, at the Horse.
It's your birthday, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is.
See you then, then.
See you then.
..Go on and say it
Yippee-yippee aye-aye-ay
yay-yay
I had to crucify some
brother today
And I don't hear what
you gotta say
So come on and say it
Come on and tell me twice. ♪