The Cleveland Show s01e06 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
CLEVELAND: Oh, this dinner party's gonna be so much fun.
I get to be with my drinking buddies and you get to be with their wives.
I can't believe you've never been to Tim's pad before.
Arianna was pretty judgmental about me being a single mother.
She always used to ask me how it felt to tear apart the fabric of American society.
How did it feel? Ha, ha.
I'm just kidding.
In her defense, you were driving down real-estate values.
But not anymore.
Prince Charming has arrived.
Last looks.
Any chives? - They're all over.
What were you eating? - Chives.
Hey, everybody.
Who's your friend, Holt? Name's Fabrizia.
Doesn't speak English.
But check out those front airbags, huh? I'm gonna get in a wreck tonight, right? [MIMICS BRAKES SQUEALING THEN CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry.
I'll be all right.
Cleveland knows what I'm talking about.
Uh, her, uh [MUMBLES.]
- Count it.
- Hey, Lester.
Where's your gross wife? I'm out here.
The bears ain't got no Rascal ramp.
- So you just gonna sit outside? KENDRA: I don't mind.
This way I don't gotta be so conscious about my gas.
[KENDRA FARTS.]
There it is.
Well, that was food.
I wish we could stay longer but Okay, Celebrity.
Only clue you can't give is their name.
Males against females.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
Yeah.
You're attractive too.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
Whoa.
You speak Italian? Don't ask her anything about our relationship.
She's a liar.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
She says you owe her $ 75 dollars for one more hour.
We had a bet that Tim would wanna play Celebrity.
Ha, ha.
You were right.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
There was no bet.
She is a prostitute.
Huh.
Come on, fellows.
Let's wipe the floor with our wives and this woman Holt pays to have sex with.
Let's go, Cleveland.
Ooh, somebody's afraid her team's gonna lose.
"Oh, I'm a girl.
I'm bad at games and math and comedy.
" Here we go.
"He was in the TV show Combat! with Vic Morrow.
" - Rick Jason.
Next.
- "He had a band" - Dave Brubeck.
Next.
- "He was the shortest man in" - Michu.
Next.
- "Played shortstop for the Minnesota Tw" - Roy Smalley.
- Time's up.
- Ha, ha.
Your turn, ladies.
[SIGHS.]
He's married to Katie Holmes? He was in Risky Business, Top Gun, Jerry Maguire, and Rain Man.
Jumped on Oprah's couch? You've gotta be kidding me.
He's a Scientologist.
KENDRA: My Name is Earl? - What the? - My Name is Earl.
- Time's up.
You ladies suck.
Suck, huh? ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [IN ITALIAN.]
Oh.
Well, I think we've all had about enough of this game.
- Word.
- So, what do you say, Tim? How about the boys go downstairs to the den while you ladies have a tickle fight and talk about cupcakes? ARIANNA: I figure you can never have enough confetti.
So I make my own.
And whenever there's a parade, I grab a couple of handfuls.
Open the drawer over there.
Take a handful.
Take it home with you.
KENDRA: Happy New Year.
That sure was a fun party.
We have good friends.
- You have good friends.
- What? Is there something wrong? Hmm.
No, Cleveland.
I'm just tired.
And you can quit jabbing me because I'm going to sleep.
Fine.
Good night, madam.
Oh, hello, madam.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING.]
All right.
Traps and yappers, shut them down.
Before today's assembly, I have a few short announcements.
Despite the best efforts of our Amnesty International club political prisoner Lopsang Dao was beheaded last night.
You win some, you lose some.
Also, your nominees for student council president are [MIMICS DRUM ROLL.]
cool deaf kid Oliver Wilkerson Yeah.
I'm gonna win.
and Cleveland Brown Jr.
Huh.
Guess I must be getting popular.
Ha, ha.
Dude, I nominated your brother as a joke.
Aw, that's mean.
Can you imagine? Him running for president? I can't imagine him running.
[CHUCKLES.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- I answered it last time.
- No, I did.
- I don't think so.
- Cleveland, remember? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
[GUNSHOT.]
Oh, yeah.
You got shot.
I'll get this one.
Hello, Cleveland.
Oh, Donna, a group of us girls always get together to watch Grey's Anatomy and eat Chinese food, just like Sandra Oh.
- Are you free Thursday night? - Yeah, she's free Thursday night.
- Actually, Cleveland, I have to - I'll put Rallo to bed.
You go have a great time with my friends' wives.
Just leave my dinner in the oven and my clothes laid out for the next day before you go.
Good girl.
She is a good girl.
Hey, it's me.
I need to see you.
Call me as soon as you can.
I miss you.
Hmm.
Nobody needs to see Delta Burke's anus.
But I guess I did look up what page it was on and turn to it.
- Where are you going? - It's Thursday.
I'm off to watch Grey's Anatomy with Arianna and the girls, remember? Oh, that sounds dreadful.
But have fun.
So now Donna will be friends with my friends' wives.
Which means I don't have to choose between my friends and my wife.
CLEVELAND [IN DOLL'S VOICE.]
: You're not going to leave her? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I never said I was gonna leave her.
[IN DOLL'S VOICE.]
Maybe I'll tell her about us.
- Maybe I'll kill you.
- Go ahead.
If I can't have you, I'd rather be dead.
Oh, now don't say that Rallo, you are having a dream.
- Hey, Yvette.
- There's my girl.
Get your ass in here.
Hey, y'all.
It's Donna.
Donna Tubbs? We haven't seen you in so long we thought you'd run off and found yourself a man.
Do I look like I've got a husband and an overweight stepson? Mm-mm.
Now give me a drink.
It's ladies' night.
[ALL CHEER.]
She's back.
Ugh.
Enough about Robert.
How's your ex? Girl, we still fighting over custody of the kids.
- Really? - Yeah.
He still wants me to take them.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Men, they're only good for one thing.
BOTH: Opening jars.
I haven't had a pearl onion in years.
Now we don't need men at all.
[ALL CHEER.]
Go, girl.
Yes.
[SNORING.]
Junior, boys shouldn't be rubbing on their dad's butt like - Ooh, baby, is that you? - Mm-hm.
You're in a good mood.
Hey, how was tonight's episode of Grey's Anatom [SINGS.]
Moon River And go.
Eight-point-three-five.
Bah! I'll never make it out of the ghetto.
Hey, fellas, check out my new campaign poster.
My slogan is, "What can Brown do for you?" You should change that slogan to, "Yes, we canned ham.
" [CHUCKLES.]
I wouldn't be laughing if I was you.
As far as anyone's concerned, you're just Junior's little brother.
If he's a big loser, you're a big loser.
Aw, Jiminy Christmas, you're right.
I'm gonna be judged by what my brother does.
Just like those brothers who made The Matrix.
- So you have a vagina? - No, that's my brother.
Chins up, tubby.
I'm your new campaign manager.
Thanks but I don't need a campaign manager.
The school newspaper begs to differ.
Listen up.
First, let's talk demographics.
Oliver's got the cool kid vote locked up.
But that's only 3 percent of the school.
We're gonna target your base, the losers.
I'm talking about the nerds, the band geeks, the exchange students the special ed kids, and the teen moms.
Now we gotta put you on the attack.
Well, I don't wanna do anything hurtful.
Well, okay, John Kerry.
- Tell me what I gotta do.
- All right.
First thing what are Oliver's greatest strengths? - He's captain of the football team? - Otherwise known as - He's also very handsome.
- Therefore But he does well with the ladies.
Oh.
So we turn his strengths into weaknesses.
- Now you're getting it.
- Wow, you're smart.
Say it as a weakness.
I'm a - Nerd.
Jew.
Nerd.
Who had the fried chicken in the bread bucket? - I'll give you one guess.
- Right here, dude.
You know who would enjoy this? Donna.
But there was a flood at the school library.
She sure came home happy after your TV night.
So happy that she tickled my, what the Native Americans call, maize hole.
She didn't come to our TV night.
She called and said she was feeling under the weather.
Wait a minute.
That don't add up.
That's queer.
If she wasn't with you, where'd she go that night? That, my friend, is The $ 25,000 Pyramid.
Where is she tonight? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
I haven't worked up an under-boob sweat like this in a long time.
I hope you're not going to miss the big cookout on Saturday.
Oh, I'll be there.
Uh-oh.
Oreo alert.
Cream filling, anyone? [YELLS.]
- Yvette, what did you? - Oh, you didn't mean "stab in the hand.
" Well, you gotta say "drink in the face" if you mean drink in the face.
[CHUCKLING.]
- Oh.
Are you okay, sir? - Hell, yeah.
Now I can just do my hand.
[SINGS.]
Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree [SLURRING.]
Cleveland.
Cleveland? Are you awake? Oh.
Hello, Mrs.
Brown.
How was your evening? Fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
Restocking the water-damaged books at the library was fun? What? Oh, yeah.
Ha.
Busted.
Where were you the other night when you said you were going to watch Grey's Anatom [HUMMING.]
Oh, yeah.
[SNORES.]
We've made up a lot of ground but we've hit a wall.
But if we go any more negative it's just gonna look like we're picking on the deaf kid.
Well, then what are we gonna do to him? RALLO: It's not what we do to him, it's what we do to you.
We're gonna fight fire with fire.
- Blind man walking.
- He went blind? It's called macular degeneration.
Look it up.
It's a thing.
Oh, my God.
Is there anything we can do to help? - A vote would help.
- You've got it.
Kind of puts it all in perspective, doesn't it? I know.
Can you imagine being blind? DEREK: And black? - Derek.
[JUNIOR HUMMING.]
It's a beautiful morning.
And you know what that means? It's river time.
Who wants to go tubing? - Tubing? - Tubing.
- Tubing? - Tubing down the river.
- Where's your mother? - Oh, she left you a note.
DONNA: "Dearest, Cleveland.
If you are reading this it means that Roberta told you to read the note on the refrigerator.
There was an emergency at the school so I will be gone all day.
XOXO.
" I don't know what's going on with her.
She's acting more suspicious than my podiatrist.
Are you sure this is a necessary part of the exam? Nope.
- Junior, get me a beer.
- What? [YELLS.]
Did that wash the crap out of your ears? I said, get me a beer.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, we're tubing.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
What? What are you looking at? [FUNK MUSIC PLAYING O VER RADIO AND WOMEN LAUGHING.]
- What the? Donna! - Cleveland? - Who's Cleveland? - Her husband.
Husband? CLEVELAND: Aah! Waterfall! [SCREAMING.]
I love you! Aah! You really saved our skin, Mr.
Flippers.
Sure did.
See you later, peoples.
Stay dry.
ALL: Thank you, Mister Flippers.
Hmm.
Emergency at school, huh? You've been lying to me, Donna.
Who were those women you were with at the river? They're my single friends.
They have this group where they talk trash about men while desperately trying to find one.
And if they found out I got married, they wouldn't want me around.
Oh, God forbid you get kicked out of the man-hating bitch group.
How dare you call them bitches? You're the one acting like a bitch.
Uh-uh.
I'm serious.
Well, you have fun with your single friends, I'll have fun with mine.
Girl, you would not believe what she just said to me.
I wish she would.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
- Do you still love me? - Of course I do.
- What is that smell? - Holt's vomit, Terry's vomit, my vomit.
Vomit.
Single life makes me sick.
Oh, honey.
I'm so sorry I lied to you.
But Yvette and the girls were there for me when Robert and I split.
They made me feel strong when I was weak.
Listen, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I have my friends and you should be free to choose yours.
Well, now they don't want me back because I lied to them about being married and because I am married.
CLEVELAND [INNER VOICE.]
: I wish I could help Donna.
Oh, oh, it feels good to pee.
Mm.
All right.
He's deaf, he's blind and for the next 40 minutes, I need you all to be mute.
Each candidate gets one minute to respond.
When I ring this bell, and for you, Oliver, when I do this hey, Oliver it means your time is almost up.
Cleveland Jr.
, you may start with your opening statement.
Good afternoon.
At least I think it's afternoon.
I'm not sure because I'm blind.
But though I may have lost my sight, I still see a better future.
I've spent the last several weeks walking these halls and hearing your stories.
From the exchange student who can't understand anything because he no speak English.
To the special needs kids whose lunchtime antics entertain us all.
To Ryan Sanderson who told me that he was too afraid to tell everyone that he was gay.
- Oh, please.
These are the colors of the quilt that is Stoolbend High.
[MILD APPLAUSE.]
Oliver, you're up.
Read my lips.
I am captain of the football team three-point-eight GPA future deaf businessman of America best fingers at the school, wink, wink.
[AUDIENCE GASPS.]
Hey, he can see.
Uh.
It's a miracle.
[APPLAUSE.]
You saved my life.
I can't run against you.
I'm dropping out of the race.
Quitter, quitter, quitter.
Yeah, he can't hear me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present your new student council president Cleveland Brown Jr.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS.]
- Congratulations, Mr.
President.
- Thanks, Rallo.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- So, what now? - That's for you to decide.
Me, I'm getting out of the game.
But we did something here, didn't we? We did something.
Thank you for taking me out to dinner, Cleveland.
What a nice surprise.
This night's gonna be full of surprises.
Now, you head to the table.
I'm gonna go publicly brush my teeth in the men's room and make everyone uncomfortable.
And I said, "I don't even wanna know whose hair this is.
Just weave it into my damn head.
" [WOMEN LAUGH.]
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Miss I'm-Gonna-Raise-My-Kids- In-A-Stable-Two-Parent-Household.
- Yvette, I'm sorry I lied to you - Here I am with my two favorite ho's.
I sure hope my wife doesn't find out about Uh-oh.
- Cleveland? - My wife, Donna.
- What are you doing here? - What am I? What are you doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm leaving you high and dry, you stupid female.
- Who are you calling stupid? - Dummy over here.
As a matter of fact, all of y'all are stupid.
You're stupid.
You're stupid.
You're probably good at math but stupid in other areas.
And you, like the first two, are also stupid too, stupid.
Come on, Donna.
This piece of trash doesn't deserve you.
How am I doing? You've got your friends back, right? Cleveland, you didn't have to do this.
I don't need them when I've got you.
You can have both.
See you at home later.
Don't forget a doggie bag.
And don't worry, I'll use a condom.
- What? - I love you.