The Dana Carvey Show (1996) s01e06 Episode Script
The Szechuan Dynasty Dana Carvey Show
1
This is World News Tonight with Peter
Jennings.
Good evening.
The campaign for the presidency is already
in high gear.
President Clinton is making more public
appearances than ever, many of which are
apparently meant to exhibit his robust
physical health.
The president is hoping to capitalize on
his youthfulness.
Meanwhile, Senator Bob
Dole is also making an effort
to reassure voters he is
more than fit for the job.
The senator has been seen exercising
frequently in the Washington area in what
was supposed to be a sluggish presidential
race.
Both candidates appear more and more to
have the eye of the tiger.
You want a ride?
Now
you who wear shades and have a gun appoint
the
major sport at every major sport When you
walk into a room, they play Hail to the
Chief On soldiers'
tombstones You get to lay
the wreath You want to
live In Washington, D.C.
Use the same toilet Where Jimmy Carter
took a pee Jimmy Carter took a pee
You want your wife To be the person
To be the person Taxpayers'
money spent No Look in the mirror And say
We are the president From the ABC
Broadcast Center in New York, it's the
Szechuan Dynasty, Dana Carvey Show.
Dana Carvey has a hell of a show, and
at Szechuan Dynasty, you can order to go.
We're at West 48th Street, just on
Broadway.
Here's Chef Yang Li with the lunch special
today.
Spicy chicken with five vegetables.
That's available from 11 to 3.
We give you duck sauce and rice for free.
I'd pour for you if you want more tea.
Szechuan Dynasty, give us a holler.
Free can of soda when you spend $10.
So come on and see us, or it'll be sad.
I put my life savings into this ad.
Now here's the host of our show,
Dana Carvey.
Anyway, I always wanted to start a show
like that.
Thank you very much.
The wonder of technology.
Improving our daily lives at a breakneck
pace.
As the millennium approaches, new
wonders await us in our Techno future!
The common shirt will
come equipped with a meter
that tells you how many
times you've worn it.
No more needless wondering.
It's right there for you to read.
Developments in genetic engineering will
create a new kind of fish that breathes air.
They will make excellent house pets.
Alone and in danger?
You needn't worry in the future.
A simple touch of a button, and your voice
is amplified.
1,000 decibels.
Oh, my.
Oh, oh,
my.
Developments in computer
technology will allow
man to order milk
straight from his keyboard.
Within minutes, and placing your order, the
freshest milk possible is yours to drink.
The future's bounty includes
an improved alarm clock
that reminds you what
ethnic group you belong to.
You're Jewish.
You're Jewish.
You're black.
You're black.
You're a foreigner.
You're a foreigner.
Finally, new glasses will be developed that
block out everything but swarms of bees.
No danger today, and none
tomorrow, in the Techno future.
Ellen's hit sitcom is paying de-generous
dividends.
But first, what do MTV and FBI have in
common?
I give up.
Well, not much until now.
Turns out the G-Men
tuned in the Gen X network a
while back and spotted a
sought-after criminal kook.
Richard Dreyfuss?
Try the Unabomber.
Turns out a key clue to
the Unabomber's identity
was an appearance he
made on an MTV program.
Here's a clip.
Welcome
back to Singled Out.
All right.
We've got Theodore Kaczynski.
Gesundheit.
Okay.
So, where do we start?
Bedroom behavior.
Bedroom behavior.
Light and dreamy or hot and heavy?
Hot and heavy.
Hot and heavy.
Okay, Theo.
Next up, love talk.
Here we go.
Is it sexy phone calls or x-rated email?
Manifesto.
Read my manifesto.
I've written a manifesto.
It's all there in the manifesto.
Manifesto.
Read my manifesto.
I have written a manifesto.
Looks like the girls are leaving on their
own.
Get ready for nature like you've never
seen it before.
Right here on the Discovery Channel,
after dark.
The Szechuan Dynasty Dana Carvey Show
proudly presents Skinheads from Maine.
Nice breeze tonight.
Yeah.
Never cared much for the Negroes.
No.
Me neither.
Are you going to the synagogue tomorrow?
Yeah.
Picked out a nice rock, gonna throw it out
a window.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nice sunset we're having.
Yeah.
Yeah, the weather's the only thing the
Jews don't control.
Yeah.
What you whittling there?
Hate stick for beating on the Spaniards.
Welcome back.
And now, the answer to our trivia
question.
Which president does actor George Kennedy
share the same family name with?
The answer is
President Kennedy.
Oh, I had Johnson.
Oh, so close.
Well, the big story is still Madonna with
child.
Yesterday, Madonna
announced she is already filming
a documentary about
her unborn child's life.
Filmmaker Franco
Zeffirelli is directing the film
crew, already shooting
on location inside Madonna.
And tonight's S, Spotlight, is also
Madonna-related.
We focus on unknown singer-dancer Donald
Pirelli, who says Madonna ripped him off.
Donald Vincent Pirelli, known as Madonna,
delivers food for the Empire Szechuan
China Garden restaurant, while the person
he claims stole everything from his music
to his unique look, is worth over a
hundred million dollars, and has record
deals extending well into the next
century.
Hey, I don't claim anything.
You understand?
She ripped me off.
You hear what I'm saying?
Look at this.
Does that look familiar to you?
Hmm?
I mean, her first hit was, what,
Holiday in 1983?
I released my single, My Day Off,
in late 82.
I mean, that's pretty similar.
You know what I'm talking about?
Day off, holiday, connect the dots.
You know what I'm saying?
Really got out of hand with, what was
that, Lucky Star.
I mean, that is such an obvious rip-off of
my song, My Big Asteroid.
Connect the dots.
Hey ladies, come take a ride.
Beats the ride.
What really pushed me over the edge was
Material Girl.
You know, I mean, that was, like,
a huge hit for her.
Launched her into stratosphere, like
she's the next Tony Bennett or something.
But it is a complete rip-off of my song,
Material Boy.
I mean, come on.
That is just too freakin' obvious.
I like cash and I like cars.
I like meeting women in bars.
I like pizza, it's a treat-sa.
I like nice shoes upon my pizza.
So I say, gimme, gimme, gimme,
lots of candy and cake.
And a room full of really cool toys.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme.
I'm the king of the material boys.
Gimme everything in the world.
So I contacted the people and explained to
them the, uh, situation here.
You know, that Madonna was
stealing my music and my image
and I was entitled to some,
uh, you know, compensation.
We contacted Madonna's lawyer and told him
what Madonna had told us.
You're kidding, right?
I mean, listen to what you're saying.
I mean, Madonna doesn't steal from,
from people.
I mean, especially not
some middle-aged Italian
guy who delivers
Thai food for a living.
I mean We relayed
that message to Madonna.
First of all, it's Chinese food,
alright?
Second of all, I don't do it for a living.
I'm an artist.
What about the book?
Did they say anything about the book?
Of course not.
In 1992, Madonna released a book of erotic
photographs entitled Sex.
It sold several million copies.
In 1991, Madonna released a book of erotic
photographs of himself with the kitchen
staff from the Empire Szechuan
China Garden and the I Can't
Believe I Ate The Whole
Thing guy entitled, Gettin' It On.
There is no record of any copies ever
being sold.
Alright, look.
Um, I'm sorry.
Madonna's book, whether you like it or not,
it's a collection of photographs as art.
Taken by a world-famous photographer.
Uh This This thing is
It's just Weird and disgusting.
Really, just Get
it away from me.
So Donald Pirelli, a.k.a.
Madonna, continues his struggle for
stardom.
Almost sadly, he vows never to give up.
Hey, can somebody help me out?
I will never give up.
You understand me?
Help me out.
I'm never gonna give up.
I vowed that to myself.
I mean, listen, if I
learn anything from all
this, it's that there's
room for me up there.
You know what I'm saying?
I've got some kingpau chicken down here!
I mean, in a way, if you think about it,
it's like people already see me.
You know what I mean?
Madonna, Madonna.
They like her, they're gonna like me.
You know?
It's like, if you think about it,
it's like I'm already famous.
Only nobody knows it.
You know?
I mean, it's something.
I mean, it's better than nothing.
You know what I'm saying?
Take this Mooshu to Chrysler Building.
Yes, sir.
Lilac's blooming early this year.
Oh, lovely.
Holocaust didn't happen, you know.
Out.
Out.
Soon it'll be time to turn in.
Out.
Yeah.
First I figure I'll take a walk.
Yeah.
Get a whiff of fresh air.
And sucker punch a queer.
How about the, uh How
about the Henderson queer?
He's a good'un.
Yeah.
We're supposed to gang slam the Henderson
queer tomorrow.
Right, yeah.
Then there's the, uh, the pancake
breakfast at the community center.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Noel West is blowing.
That sketch was as tasty as special ones
food.
Hey, boys and girls.
It's time again for Grandma the Clown.
Oh.
The days are rushing by, children.
It'll be over before you know it.
Well, Grandma the Clown made a scrumptious
banana cream pie.
Oh, for him's sakes.
I hope nothing happens.
Sit back and relax as things heat up on
the Food Network after dark.
Once again, here's Peter Jennings.
The standoff in Montana between the FBI and
the Freeman enters its fifth week tonight.
There was new hope and disappointment
yesterday when federal authorities once
again attempted to lure out the Freeman
with the Pied Piper.
Now I play the pipe and then you all come
out to the piping from the pipe.
The FBI described their enhanced policy
for utilizing the Pied Piper.
Will you employ a new melody?
Yeah, it's a brand new melody and it
worked too.
I play the pipe and then come out to the
brand new piping from the pipe,
which will work.
It's a good pipe.
How do you know it will work?
Because I know it will work.
Look, you're just gonna write it anywhere
you see it anyway.
Media distorting everything as usual.
You suck.
I'm receiving word right now that the FBI
has sent in the Pied Piper.
Let's go there live to the Freeman Ranch
in Montana.
Here comes the brand new piping into your
ears and you dance out to me then.
Sadly, I think we have just seen the
result of the FBI's reckless policy of
sending in a man whose work had only been
tested on rodents and miners.
Because of that decision, some kind of a
Swede in a felt hat lies dead tonight.
Very small price to pay, indeed.
Good night.
Now, I'm not jealous of Jenny.
It's hard to be jealous of someone who's
so great.
She's 35 years old.
Three kids.
I think she's my closest friend.
I mean, she is so perfect.
She not only did surgery, because,
you know, she's a brain surgeon.
She volunteered at Cedars-Sinai in the
burn department for an entire year.
She does model occasionally for famous
artists, because they're in love with her.
Her body is so intense.
She's one of the fastest runners in
history.
I think she holds a world record.
She's also a painter.
She designs computer
software, her own, in her
spare time, which is
just interesting to me.
Jenny just published a novel.
And you know what it's about?
How to be the best friend that you can be.
She gave me a pap smear one time when I
couldn't afford to go to the gynecologist.
She took me to Paris, and I lived there
for an entire year on Jenny.
It's interesting.
Like, she can just go shopping or
something.
Like, she'll be at, um, like, shopping for
clothes, and she'll come out of the
dressing room, and, like,
a whole group of people
will just be standing
around, and they'll all go, Yay!
Now, I'm not jealous of Jenny.
It's hard to be jealous of someone who's
so great.
Coming up next, from our nation's capital,
C-SPAN, After Dark.
We'll return after these messages.
That's our show this week.
Good night.
Thank you.
And remember, Szechuan Dynasty, whenever
you want Chinese food in Manhattan.
Thank you.
Good night.
Love!
There you go.
We love you!
This is World News Tonight with Peter
Jennings.
Good evening.
The campaign for the presidency is already
in high gear.
President Clinton is making more public
appearances than ever, many of which are
apparently meant to exhibit his robust
physical health.
The president is hoping to capitalize on
his youthfulness.
Meanwhile, Senator Bob
Dole is also making an effort
to reassure voters he is
more than fit for the job.
The senator has been seen exercising
frequently in the Washington area in what
was supposed to be a sluggish presidential
race.
Both candidates appear more and more to
have the eye of the tiger.
You want a ride?
Now
you who wear shades and have a gun appoint
the
major sport at every major sport When you
walk into a room, they play Hail to the
Chief On soldiers'
tombstones You get to lay
the wreath You want to
live In Washington, D.C.
Use the same toilet Where Jimmy Carter
took a pee Jimmy Carter took a pee
You want your wife To be the person
To be the person Taxpayers'
money spent No Look in the mirror And say
We are the president From the ABC
Broadcast Center in New York, it's the
Szechuan Dynasty, Dana Carvey Show.
Dana Carvey has a hell of a show, and
at Szechuan Dynasty, you can order to go.
We're at West 48th Street, just on
Broadway.
Here's Chef Yang Li with the lunch special
today.
Spicy chicken with five vegetables.
That's available from 11 to 3.
We give you duck sauce and rice for free.
I'd pour for you if you want more tea.
Szechuan Dynasty, give us a holler.
Free can of soda when you spend $10.
So come on and see us, or it'll be sad.
I put my life savings into this ad.
Now here's the host of our show,
Dana Carvey.
Anyway, I always wanted to start a show
like that.
Thank you very much.
The wonder of technology.
Improving our daily lives at a breakneck
pace.
As the millennium approaches, new
wonders await us in our Techno future!
The common shirt will
come equipped with a meter
that tells you how many
times you've worn it.
No more needless wondering.
It's right there for you to read.
Developments in genetic engineering will
create a new kind of fish that breathes air.
They will make excellent house pets.
Alone and in danger?
You needn't worry in the future.
A simple touch of a button, and your voice
is amplified.
1,000 decibels.
Oh, my.
Oh, oh,
my.
Developments in computer
technology will allow
man to order milk
straight from his keyboard.
Within minutes, and placing your order, the
freshest milk possible is yours to drink.
The future's bounty includes
an improved alarm clock
that reminds you what
ethnic group you belong to.
You're Jewish.
You're Jewish.
You're black.
You're black.
You're a foreigner.
You're a foreigner.
Finally, new glasses will be developed that
block out everything but swarms of bees.
No danger today, and none
tomorrow, in the Techno future.
Ellen's hit sitcom is paying de-generous
dividends.
But first, what do MTV and FBI have in
common?
I give up.
Well, not much until now.
Turns out the G-Men
tuned in the Gen X network a
while back and spotted a
sought-after criminal kook.
Richard Dreyfuss?
Try the Unabomber.
Turns out a key clue to
the Unabomber's identity
was an appearance he
made on an MTV program.
Here's a clip.
Welcome
back to Singled Out.
All right.
We've got Theodore Kaczynski.
Gesundheit.
Okay.
So, where do we start?
Bedroom behavior.
Bedroom behavior.
Light and dreamy or hot and heavy?
Hot and heavy.
Hot and heavy.
Okay, Theo.
Next up, love talk.
Here we go.
Is it sexy phone calls or x-rated email?
Manifesto.
Read my manifesto.
I've written a manifesto.
It's all there in the manifesto.
Manifesto.
Read my manifesto.
I have written a manifesto.
Looks like the girls are leaving on their
own.
Get ready for nature like you've never
seen it before.
Right here on the Discovery Channel,
after dark.
The Szechuan Dynasty Dana Carvey Show
proudly presents Skinheads from Maine.
Nice breeze tonight.
Yeah.
Never cared much for the Negroes.
No.
Me neither.
Are you going to the synagogue tomorrow?
Yeah.
Picked out a nice rock, gonna throw it out
a window.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nice sunset we're having.
Yeah.
Yeah, the weather's the only thing the
Jews don't control.
Yeah.
What you whittling there?
Hate stick for beating on the Spaniards.
Welcome back.
And now, the answer to our trivia
question.
Which president does actor George Kennedy
share the same family name with?
The answer is
President Kennedy.
Oh, I had Johnson.
Oh, so close.
Well, the big story is still Madonna with
child.
Yesterday, Madonna
announced she is already filming
a documentary about
her unborn child's life.
Filmmaker Franco
Zeffirelli is directing the film
crew, already shooting
on location inside Madonna.
And tonight's S, Spotlight, is also
Madonna-related.
We focus on unknown singer-dancer Donald
Pirelli, who says Madonna ripped him off.
Donald Vincent Pirelli, known as Madonna,
delivers food for the Empire Szechuan
China Garden restaurant, while the person
he claims stole everything from his music
to his unique look, is worth over a
hundred million dollars, and has record
deals extending well into the next
century.
Hey, I don't claim anything.
You understand?
She ripped me off.
You hear what I'm saying?
Look at this.
Does that look familiar to you?
Hmm?
I mean, her first hit was, what,
Holiday in 1983?
I released my single, My Day Off,
in late 82.
I mean, that's pretty similar.
You know what I'm talking about?
Day off, holiday, connect the dots.
You know what I'm saying?
Really got out of hand with, what was
that, Lucky Star.
I mean, that is such an obvious rip-off of
my song, My Big Asteroid.
Connect the dots.
Hey ladies, come take a ride.
Beats the ride.
What really pushed me over the edge was
Material Girl.
You know, I mean, that was, like,
a huge hit for her.
Launched her into stratosphere, like
she's the next Tony Bennett or something.
But it is a complete rip-off of my song,
Material Boy.
I mean, come on.
That is just too freakin' obvious.
I like cash and I like cars.
I like meeting women in bars.
I like pizza, it's a treat-sa.
I like nice shoes upon my pizza.
So I say, gimme, gimme, gimme,
lots of candy and cake.
And a room full of really cool toys.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme.
I'm the king of the material boys.
Gimme everything in the world.
So I contacted the people and explained to
them the, uh, situation here.
You know, that Madonna was
stealing my music and my image
and I was entitled to some,
uh, you know, compensation.
We contacted Madonna's lawyer and told him
what Madonna had told us.
You're kidding, right?
I mean, listen to what you're saying.
I mean, Madonna doesn't steal from,
from people.
I mean, especially not
some middle-aged Italian
guy who delivers
Thai food for a living.
I mean We relayed
that message to Madonna.
First of all, it's Chinese food,
alright?
Second of all, I don't do it for a living.
I'm an artist.
What about the book?
Did they say anything about the book?
Of course not.
In 1992, Madonna released a book of erotic
photographs entitled Sex.
It sold several million copies.
In 1991, Madonna released a book of erotic
photographs of himself with the kitchen
staff from the Empire Szechuan
China Garden and the I Can't
Believe I Ate The Whole
Thing guy entitled, Gettin' It On.
There is no record of any copies ever
being sold.
Alright, look.
Um, I'm sorry.
Madonna's book, whether you like it or not,
it's a collection of photographs as art.
Taken by a world-famous photographer.
Uh This This thing is
It's just Weird and disgusting.
Really, just Get
it away from me.
So Donald Pirelli, a.k.a.
Madonna, continues his struggle for
stardom.
Almost sadly, he vows never to give up.
Hey, can somebody help me out?
I will never give up.
You understand me?
Help me out.
I'm never gonna give up.
I vowed that to myself.
I mean, listen, if I
learn anything from all
this, it's that there's
room for me up there.
You know what I'm saying?
I've got some kingpau chicken down here!
I mean, in a way, if you think about it,
it's like people already see me.
You know what I mean?
Madonna, Madonna.
They like her, they're gonna like me.
You know?
It's like, if you think about it,
it's like I'm already famous.
Only nobody knows it.
You know?
I mean, it's something.
I mean, it's better than nothing.
You know what I'm saying?
Take this Mooshu to Chrysler Building.
Yes, sir.
Lilac's blooming early this year.
Oh, lovely.
Holocaust didn't happen, you know.
Out.
Out.
Soon it'll be time to turn in.
Out.
Yeah.
First I figure I'll take a walk.
Yeah.
Get a whiff of fresh air.
And sucker punch a queer.
How about the, uh How
about the Henderson queer?
He's a good'un.
Yeah.
We're supposed to gang slam the Henderson
queer tomorrow.
Right, yeah.
Then there's the, uh, the pancake
breakfast at the community center.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Noel West is blowing.
That sketch was as tasty as special ones
food.
Hey, boys and girls.
It's time again for Grandma the Clown.
Oh.
The days are rushing by, children.
It'll be over before you know it.
Well, Grandma the Clown made a scrumptious
banana cream pie.
Oh, for him's sakes.
I hope nothing happens.
Sit back and relax as things heat up on
the Food Network after dark.
Once again, here's Peter Jennings.
The standoff in Montana between the FBI and
the Freeman enters its fifth week tonight.
There was new hope and disappointment
yesterday when federal authorities once
again attempted to lure out the Freeman
with the Pied Piper.
Now I play the pipe and then you all come
out to the piping from the pipe.
The FBI described their enhanced policy
for utilizing the Pied Piper.
Will you employ a new melody?
Yeah, it's a brand new melody and it
worked too.
I play the pipe and then come out to the
brand new piping from the pipe,
which will work.
It's a good pipe.
How do you know it will work?
Because I know it will work.
Look, you're just gonna write it anywhere
you see it anyway.
Media distorting everything as usual.
You suck.
I'm receiving word right now that the FBI
has sent in the Pied Piper.
Let's go there live to the Freeman Ranch
in Montana.
Here comes the brand new piping into your
ears and you dance out to me then.
Sadly, I think we have just seen the
result of the FBI's reckless policy of
sending in a man whose work had only been
tested on rodents and miners.
Because of that decision, some kind of a
Swede in a felt hat lies dead tonight.
Very small price to pay, indeed.
Good night.
Now, I'm not jealous of Jenny.
It's hard to be jealous of someone who's
so great.
She's 35 years old.
Three kids.
I think she's my closest friend.
I mean, she is so perfect.
She not only did surgery, because,
you know, she's a brain surgeon.
She volunteered at Cedars-Sinai in the
burn department for an entire year.
She does model occasionally for famous
artists, because they're in love with her.
Her body is so intense.
She's one of the fastest runners in
history.
I think she holds a world record.
She's also a painter.
She designs computer
software, her own, in her
spare time, which is
just interesting to me.
Jenny just published a novel.
And you know what it's about?
How to be the best friend that you can be.
She gave me a pap smear one time when I
couldn't afford to go to the gynecologist.
She took me to Paris, and I lived there
for an entire year on Jenny.
It's interesting.
Like, she can just go shopping or
something.
Like, she'll be at, um, like, shopping for
clothes, and she'll come out of the
dressing room, and, like,
a whole group of people
will just be standing
around, and they'll all go, Yay!
Now, I'm not jealous of Jenny.
It's hard to be jealous of someone who's
so great.
Coming up next, from our nation's capital,
C-SPAN, After Dark.
We'll return after these messages.
That's our show this week.
Good night.
Thank you.
And remember, Szechuan Dynasty, whenever
you want Chinese food in Manhattan.
Thank you.
Good night.
Love!
There you go.
We love you!