The Goes Wrong Show (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back to
Play of the Week,
where each week
a play is performed live
in front of a studio audience,
here in Cornley
and broadcast to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the director.
Following
a number of complaints,
we have combed through
this week's script
for any offensive language.
One character
in particular, Buddy,
does use rather a lot of
gruff vocabulary,
or as my mother would put it,
"Scottish language,"
which will be
censored throughout.
Also, unusually, this week,
we have hit a minor snag.
Tonight's American play
is entitled "90 Degrees"
in relation to
the Tennessee heat.
Unfortunately,
when the set builders
saw 90 degrees
written on their
technical drawing,
they took it to mean
build parts of the set
You'll immediately see
what they've done,
to be honest.
But do not fear,
we have corrected the issue
by repositioning the cameras.
So, the actors are prepared,
the stage is,
in some sense, set.
Please enjoy 90 Degrees.
Give it to me straight, Larry.
How long does your daddy
got to live?
Daddy gets more sick
each sunrise.
The doc says we ought to
prepare for the worst.
Said I wasn't going to cry.
Damn it!
That's mighty fine work
looking after
that old man
all by yourself, Larry.
Yeah, it's not just me.
Ol' Neighbor Joe
is always passing through.
-Morning!
-[CRASHES]
[BOTH] Morning, Joe!
Well, your daddy
is lucky to have you around.
Thank you, Mr. Pines.
Wow! It sure is
Sure is hot today.
[CHUCKLES]
It's 90 degrees outside.
It's 90 degrees in here too.
-Can you feel it?
-I sure can.
Perhaps I can pour you
some ice tea.
Please!
Thank you.
It's good stuff.
Melinda made it.
Almost as good as
your mommy used to make.
Ah, I sure wish
she was here now.
She'd know just
what to say to Pa.
-Sugar?
-Yes, please. [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Always did have a sweet tooth.
Can I get you some more ice?
Just a couple of cubes.
Well, you sure
drank that fast.
[CHUCKLES]
Can I get you a refill?
[STERNLY] No!
You know, my brother
and sister will be arriving
anytime now
and I just can't wait
to see 'em.
Don't be so naive, Larry.
There's only one damn reason
they're coming back.
I am not naive, Mr. Pines.
Buddy and Barbara
are good people!
BOTH: Whoa!
[DOORBELL CHIMING]
If you'll excuse me,
Mr. Pines.
I'll be right back, Mr. Pines.
Take your time.
[LARRY GRUNTS]
[LARRY GRUNTS]
LARRY: Whoa!
[GRUNTING]
-Who is it, Melinda?
-It's Ms. Barbara.
No, Carl.
I need you to tell the buyers
to relax
and sign
the damned contracts today.
Real good to see you, Barb.
I don't care
if there are layoffs, Carl.
I care about profits.
Larry, it's been a while.
Five years, Barb.
Yet, not a day
seems to have passed in here.
Do you want to say hello
to Ruffles?
Don't tell me that mangy dog
is still alive.
Ruffles. [WHISTLES]
Come on and say hello
to Barbara.
Ooh.
Uh, he's a few years older,
but he still loves
to run around.
RUFFLES: Woof.
Ruffles, sit.
[WHIRRING]
Lie down.
Look, lie down.
RUFFLES: Woof.
-Good boy.
-[CAR HONKS]
That'll be our little brother.
And his money-grabbing
city gal.
Ugh, Melinda, please be civil.
Rene is Buddy's wife now.
Yeah, she sure got
her hooks in deep.
Ah, Buddy, Rene.
Oh, hello there, Larry.
[CHUCKLES MEEKLY]
Buddy, good to see ya.
Ooh! Honey, you weren't kidding.
It is something quaint.
Daddy's in his room.
Now, before you see him,
I must warn you,
he's in a bad way.
Oh, Barb, please don't cry.
I'm sorry, Larry, it's just
It's just so sad.
Come on, Barb!
Cut the crap!
[BLEEP]
Easy, Buddy. You okay?
Of course I'm not!
I was the quarterback
for the Tennessee Bears!
One bad tackle,
I break both my legs.
Now, I'm stuck in this chair.
Okay, Buddy, calm down.
How about a nice cool beer?
Sure.
[BUDDY SCREAMS]
[BUDDY GRUNTS]
I'm starving too.
You got snacks, right?
Can't you think
about something
other than your belly?
Anything to stop me thinking
about my legs.
You ain't even asked
about your pops yet.
How long does he have left?
Doc says
it could be any day now.
At least he won't have to
put up with any more of this
[BLEEP]
crap.
RUFFLES: Woof, bark, growl.
Woof, bark, growl.
-Woof.
-What's your little dog doin'?
-Oh!
-Don't mind him.
He's real friendly.
RUFFLES: Wag, wag, wag.
CHRIS OVER SPEAKER:
Don't say "wag,"
just press the button.
ROBERT: Which button?
CHRIS: The button
right in front of you.
-[MAN GRUNTS]
-[MOTOR WHIRRING]
Got it.
Will someone please control
this animal?
Go into the study, boy.
RUFFLES: Fine!
It's not easy being
a dog, you know?
CHRIS OVER SPEAKER:
You're supposed to be
doing dog noises.
You can't give it lines.
ROBERT:
It's an inner monologue.
CHRIS: Then why are you
saying it out loud?
This is a naturalistic piece.
ROBERT: Nothing natural
about it, Chris.
They built the set sideways.
CHRIS: Just do a bark.
ROBERT: This is
your fault, Chris.
Trying to cut costs,
getting Dennis's dad
to do the sets.
Then you got that toymaker
to do all the furniture.
He's never done
anything other than
jack-in-the-boxes before.
CHRIS: Just do a dog noise.
Do a dog noise!
ROBERT: No.
Go into the study, boy.
[CHRIS AND ROBER
ARGUING INDISTINCTLY
OVER SPEAKER]
ROBERT:
Chris, what a disaster.
ROBERT AS RUFFLES:
Get your hands off me,
you fiend.
ROBERT: Press the button.
CHRIS: Oh, you idiot!
[ARGUMENT CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY]
CHRIS: Stay out of my way.
I am executing
a three-point turn.
ROBERT: Chris, look at
the state of that.
CHRIS: Will you stop
interfering with me?
You did that, it's your fault!
I am exiting the scene.
ROBERT:
That was not naturalistic.
Ah, Mr. Pines.
ROBERT: Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Wait!
Ah, Mr. Pines!
[RONALD GRUNTS]
Woof I mean
I'm sorry. I don't believe
we've met before.
Oh, this is Ronald Pines,
the family lawyer.
Your dad has asked me
to speak to y'all
on his behalf
since his condition
has worsened.
If you'll all be so kind
as to join me
in the study.
It's a pleasure
to see you again,
Ms. Barbara.
It's nice to have the family
back under one roof.
Would be if it wasn't for
that Yankee jezebel
in our midst.
Now, now, Melinda,
you forget your place.
She does not have
Buddy's best interest
at heart.
You can see clear as day
she has eyes for another.
No, no, Melinda.
There's nothing
between Larry and Rene.
No, I didn't say nothing
about Larry, did I?
Excuse me, Ms. Barbara,
I must get back to my chores.
Pleasure to see you again,
Ms. Barbara.
It's nice to have the family
back under one roof!
It would be if it wasn't
for that Yankee Jessabelle
in our midst.
Now, now, Melinda,
you forget your place.
She does not have
Buddy's best interests
at heart.
You can see it clear as day,
she has eyes for another.
[SCOFFS] Now, now, Melinda.
There's nothing
between Larry and Rene.
No, I didn't say nothing
about Larry, did I?
Excuse me, Ms. Barbara.
I must get back to my chores.
RONALD: Thank you, Barbara.
Welcome, everyone.
Now, I'm aware this may be
an uncomfortable meeting.
But first, I need you all
to sign a copy
of these documents.
Oh, oh!
Now, before Mr. Burgess
-Whoa!
-[BARBARA SHRIEKS]
finalizes his will,
by a show of hands,
which of you would intend to
sell your share
in Burgess Fine
after your father has passed?
Barbara.
Buddy?
There it is.
Shame on the two of you.
How could you think of
doing that to the workers?
[BLEEP]
-Oh!
-Buddy, I do wish you wouldn't
use that kind of language.
Can you blame him
for being angry?
He's stuck in that chair
for life.
All right,
everybody settle down.
You're upsetting Ruffles.
-RONALD: Woof.
-Come here, boy.
[RONALD IMITATING BARKS]
Good boy.
Mr. Burgess has made it clear
he does not want
Mr. Burgess has made it clear
he does not want
the business to be sold.
So, it seems,
Burgess Fine
must be inherited
by Larry alone.
Larry alone?
All right. We all
just need to cool down.
Uh, Melinda, bring us
some more of that ice tea.
MELINDA: [GRUNTS]
Yes, Mr. Larry.
MELINDA: Oh! Oh!
There you go.
I'm gonna need
something stronger than that.
Melinda, fetch us some beer
from the refrigerator.
MELINDA: [WHISPERS] Okay.
Oh, yes, Mr. Larry. [GRUNTS]
Barb, Barb.
MELINDA: Ooh! Okay.
Mr. Pines. Mr. Pines!
Oh! Rene.
Rene!
Rene!
Rene!
-Rene!
-No!
-Rene!
-[RENE SHRIEKS]
Rene, you really need to
Rene, harder!
[MELINDA GRUNTS]
If you need me, Mr. Larry
[SHRIEKS] Oh, no!
I'll be Oh! Whoa!
Oh! There go my bosoms.
If you need me, Mr. Larry,
I'll be in the kitchen.
[SCREAMS]
How is it fair
that Larry gets it all?
[BLEEP]
Come on, Buddy.
You're just talking
out your ass.
Settle down, all of ya,
and drink your beers.
Ah, nothing like
some cool sips
on a hot day.
Perhaps Pines is right.
He should brew beers.
[BLEEP]
All right. We all
just need to be civil
to one another.
Buddy always gets snippy
when he's been drinking
on an empty stomach.
Oh, we could deal with that.
Uh, Melinda,
bring us some of that
fine gazpacho.
MELINDA: Yes, Mr. Larry.
[ALL SHRIEKING]
MELINDA: Enjoy!
Mmm
Well, if you're still hungry
after that,
Ol' Neighbor Joe
usually passes by
with something sweet
about now.
Howdy.
Who'd like a slice
of my blueberry pie?
-Oh!
-[CRASHES]
Buddy?
Why don't you take
five minutes in the kitchen?
What you must understand is,
Mr. Burgess has the interest
of his workers at heart.
Barb, I know that
you're not happy
I know you're not happy
with Daddy's decision,
but, as his children,
we must respect his wishes.
RONALD: Absolutely agreed!
Now, I know Buddy can be
a different
[MUFFLED SPEAKING]
BARBARA: Excuse me, Mr. Pines,
may I speak with you
in the living room?
Of course.
After you.
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
I'll be back momentarily.
-Excuse me.
-[CRASHES]
Oh, Larry, I thought
they'd never leave us alone.
I don't know what
you're talking about, Rene.
I'm talking about
you and I, Larry.
The chemistry between us.
Keep your voice down.
That was one night of weakness
and I've regretted it
ever since.
Don't pretend
you don't want to
kiss me, Larry,
right here on this table.
BOTH: Whoa!
LARRY: All right.
Careful, careful.
RENE: Kiss me, Larry!
[RENE SCREAMING]
Oh, Larry!
You've got
such a gentle touch.
Rene!
[BOTH SCREAMING AND SHRIEKING]
Keep your voice down.
-Someone might hear us.
-RENE: Larry!
What the Sam hell
is going on in here?
LARRY: Barbara, this is not
what it looks like.
BARBARA: You have no idea
what it looks like.
-[LARRY SCREAMS]
-[THUDS]
I cannot believe
a brother of mine
would engage in such under
[LARRY GRUNTS]
Get out of there, Larry.
All right.
Whoa!
[LARRY GRUNTS]
[LARRY GROANS]
LARRY: Help me, help me.
[LARRY GROANS]
Please, Barb,
don't tell anyone
what you just saw.
Well, seems I have you
over a barrel.
I can't let Buddy find out.
It'll kill him!
I'm not gonna tell Buddy.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Thank you, Barbara.
As long as you give me
the business.
I can't do that.
I promised Pa!
-ROBERT AS RUFFLES: Growl.
-Easy. Easy, Ruffles.
ROBERT AS RUFFLES:
She's trying to
blackmail you, Larry.
CHRIS: Stop improvising!
That is it.
Give me the remote.
You're not playing the dog.
ROBERT: Stop it.
CHRIS: Give it to me!
-ROBERT: I am doing it!
-[THUDS]
CHRIS: Get out!
ROBERT: Fine, I'm going
to the canteen.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's real simple, Larry.
You give me the company
and I don't tell Buddy
your dirty little secret.
What happened to us, Barb?
Why can't we all be
more like Ruffles?
He don't ask for nothing.
ROBERT OVER SPEAKER:
Packet of wine gums, please?
-He ain't greedy.
-ROBERT: Family size, please.
And he don't care about money.
-[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
-ROBERT: £3.49?
What is this, the cinema?
Absolutely not.
I'll put them back.
[PLASTIC CRINKLING]
SHOPKEEPER: Excuse me, sir,
what have you just put
in your trousers?
-ROBERT: Nothing
-SHOPKEEPER: Give me
the wine gums.
RONALD: No, no, I just
No, no, please!
ROBERT: Look over there!
[SCREAMING]
SHOPKEEPER: Get back here!
[ROBERT PANTING]
ROBERT: All right.
I think I lost him.
[PANTING]
Where am I?
I'm lost.
Ah, should be safe in here.
[EXHALES]
-[EXHALES]
-[PLASTIC WRAPPER CRUMPLING]
Excuse me.
-Larry!
-Buddy.
I've just been
talking to Pa.
You really are a no good
[BLEEP] Crap.
Take it easy, Buddy.
I didn't know
Pa was going to
leave me in-charge.
Well, you better go
change his mind.
-I'm gonna go
pay my respects.
-I'm comin' with you.
LARRY: Oh, no.
RENE: Buddy!
BUDDY: Rene.
Are you all right?
Why are you
looking at me like that?
Oh, it's just the heat.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Pass me that beer, would you?
What?
I said pass me that beer,
would you?
The bear.
No, not the bear.
The beer.
The bear!
No, not the bear.
The beer.
No, no, that's the bear.
Put that down.
Pass me the beer.
The bear!
No, not the bear!
The beer!
The bear!
Not the bear, the The
The beer.
-The bear!
-Not the bear, the beer!
Oh!
The beard!
Not the beard, not the beard!
Lager, lager beer. Lager?
Larger bear!
Oh! Larger bear!
Here you go. A larger bear!
Thank you.
[IMITATES CAN OPENING SOUND]
Cheers!
Oh! [SHRIEKS]
Papa! Oh, Papa, don't go.
It's all right, Barb.
Everything's
gonna be all right.
Doesn't look like
he can hold on much longer.
[COUGHS]
Oh, he's coughing.
Get him his pills.
Here you go, Pa.
Ah!
-[BREATHING RAGGEDLY]
-Here's your oxygen, Pa.
Here you go, Pa
[LARRY AND HERB SCREAMING]
BARBARA: You got to
stay with us, Daddy.
Ol' Neighbor Joe
just made you a pudding.
This meringue
is lighter than air.
I feel it's nearly time.
Oh, Daddy,
you're making me cry.
[MOANS]
Look, Pa,
Ruffles has come
to say goodbye.
Let me pet him
one last time.
[THUDS]
[HERB GROANING]
-Careful, Papa.
-I think I'm going.
I'm going.
Hold on, Papa.
I don't think I can hold on
much longer.
-I love you, Barbara.
-I love you, Daddy.
-I love you, Larry.
-I love you, Pa.
Goodbye, cruel world!
[BARBARA SHRIEKS]
[MACHINE BEEPING]
Thanks, Melinda.
MELINDA: Mmm.
It's a shame
it had to work out this way.
It's going to be
all right, Buddy.
We don't need
Burgess' Fine Tea.
We have each other.
I just never catch a break.
First my accident
and now this.
[BUDDY SHRIEKS]
Buddy, I ain't never seen you
cry like this before.
Papa has passed.
I'm so sorry.
I'll leave you all alone.
Larry, if you want to
swing by my office
to go over the papers.
You know, Buddy, I saw
the funniest thing
in the study this afternoon.
Actually, Mr. Pines
I won't be stopping by.
-You won't?
-No.
I want to sign over
control of the company
-to Barbara?
-What?
To Barbara?
If you have the papers,
I'll sign them now.
Larry, are you sure?
There's no other way.
All right.
Sign here.
And here.
And on the reverse.
There.
I'll have these papers filed
right away.
Good day, y'all.
MELINDA: I'll walk you
to your car, Mr. Pines.
I can't believe
you've just done that.
I've done it for you, Buddy.
It's true.
If Larry hadn't signed
those papers,
I'd have told you all about
his affair with Rene.
[RENE GASPS]
Barbara, you've played me.
-Like a game of craps.
-[BLEEP]
Anyhow, I'd love to stay
and talk,
but we have to get back
to Connecticut.
Ain't that right, Rene?
That's right, Barbara.
Sorry, Buddy.
Rene! How can you
do this to me?
ROBERT AS RUFFLES:
Woof, woof, woof.
- I've got some
thoughts on this.
-No, you don't!
You two played me
from the start.
Oh, sorry, Larry.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's get out of here.
[DOOR OPENS]
Buddy, I am so sorry.
Pa is gone.
There's nothing left
for us here.
Buddy. Buddy, wait.
Well, I guess it's just
you and me now, Ruffles.
Indeed it is, Larry.
And there is much
I need to say.
-Why must
-OFFICER: Excuse me, sir.
Cornley Police.
Can I have a word?
ROBERT: What?
OFFICER: We've had
a report of a man matching
your description shoplifting.
Would you
come with us, please?
RONALD: It was Chris.
He told me to do it.
CHRIS: Can we help you?
OFFICER: Is this man
working under
your instructions, sir?
CHRIS: Of course.
I'm the director.
OFFICER: Right,
you're under arrest.
CHRIS: Hey, what are you doing?
ROBERT: Oh, microphone
is still on.
Uh, the dog's dead.
Ruffles?
Ruffles?
Ruffles, no!
-[HORNS BLARING]
-[LARRY SHRIEKS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]