The Other One (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

(gentle music)
- [Colin] Hello, you've
reached the voicemail
of Colin Walcott,
please leave me a message
and I'll call you back
after the tone.
- What, what's the emergency?
I'm supposed to be
dropping a pad Thai off
in eight minutes.
And it stinks of farts in here.
- I need an update, Cat.
- You serious?
You got me all across
town for Instagram?
Fuckin' hell, Cath.
Okay, so there's two new
photos and an Insta story
about them feedin' turtles.
- So he's sticking
to my itinerary.
I was the one that booked the
trip to the turtle sanctuary.
Oh my God, is that
my water bottle?
What a kick in the tits.
What have I done, Cat?
I'm supposed to be on the
beach feeding turtles,
not cyber-stalking my ex-fiance
and his ex-receptionist
on my ex-honeymoon.
- Are you forgettin' that Marcus
is a complete cock rocket?
Come on, let's go.
Up.
Me and you are goin'
on our honeymoon.
We'll take Dad's yacht,
we'll eat a shit ton of crisps
and we'll hit the
deck like Di and Dodi.
Cathy, look at me.
You owe it to yourself, and
me, but mainly to yourself.
Okay?
- Fine.
- Wicked!
Let's honeymoon!
(upbeat music)
All night long, baby
Let's honeymoon!
It's it's all right now
- Cathy, about
the wedding gifts.
I managed to return
everything except for the
La Croiseaux salt pig,
'cause Bill and Jane
are in Lanzarotti.
Cathy?
- [Cathy] At least
give me a clue
as to where are we going?
What direction
- All I'm gonna say is is
that you wanted to be with dad
so that's what we're gonna do.
- We're gonna kill ourselves.
- No, knobhead.
Have you finished?
- Isn't there some sort of
manual we can download for this?
- All right, get out the way.
Let me do it.
Here Cathy, you're in luck.
Getting things into
holes is my specialty.
Did ya hear that, mum?
- What?
- I said getting things
into holes is my specialty.
(woman laughing)
- Oh brilliant.
Where do you get
all this stuff from?
- I don't know, it just
arrives out me mouth like that.
- Here, Cathy, love do you mind
if I give Marcus' mum a ring?
I don't know what
the etiquette is
when the groom dumps the bride.
- She dumped him out.
- I dumped him.
- Oh.
- Anyway, no knock
yourself out, Marilyn.
Mishti is not the
villain of this piece.
- Oh cool.
I thought I might even get
the bus down to see ya.
- Oh, nice one, Mum.
- Something to work
towards anyway.
Who knows, one day I
might even run a marathon.
- Oh, you can join my
Mum's Nordic walking group.
- No.
- Wicked, all
right, come on Cath.
Let's rock and roll.
Oh, Mum, keep an ear out
for Dad's phone yeah?
Wicked.
- Bon voyage, mi amores!
Girls, you forgot the boat!
The boat!
You might need the boat!
- [Cathy] I think we
might've forgotten the boat.
- Oh, you're kiddin'.
Shit.
(ducks quacking)
I hereby declare
HMS Catkin open!
Let the bottle see the yacht!
Well, that's one drawback
to SodaStreaming
your own champagne.
Oi, dickhead, stop
lookin' at me phone.
- What a bitch.
I was gonna order the swordfish.
She better not have ordered
the Bayesian macaroni pie.
She's ordered the Bayesian
macaroni pie, has she no shame?
What are you doing?
- Well, it's my phone.
I could do what I want with it.
- Oh my God, you're mental.
- I'm mental?
You're the one
who's obsessing over
what two fanny packs are
havin' for their lunch.
- Fine, you know what?
I'll just download
Instagram on my phone.
- Okay!
- Oh my God!
That was a work phone.
- Look.
- Shit.
- We're on our honeymoon, okay?
No emails, no updates,
no exes, just you and me
havin' some quality
sister time on a yacht.
- Okay, one it's a
two-berth cruiser, and two,
what if we need a map or a torch
or I don't know
the Headspace app?
- You better not be like
this on our honeymoon.
Right, come on, shift your
car from the boat drive.
- It's a slipway.
- Are you serious? How do
you know all this shit?
Did they teach ya yacht
lessons at your posh school.
- I didn't go to Eaton, okay,
my school was just
a run of the mill,
bog-standard private school
that just so happen
to have a rowing club.
Yes, I learnt it
at my posh school.
- Right, well, I'm
gonna get changed.
You go and shift your car.
- Okay, well I hope you
bought appropriate boat wear.
- Oh, I've got the
perfect yacht frock.
(upbeat music)
(crows cawing)
(wind whooshing)
- Hello, Colin.
We haven't spoken for a while,
which is mostly your fault
but I'm not gonna get into that.
Anyway.
The long and the short
of it is, I hate you.
I hate you so much.
And it's horrible.
And then today I finally
ran out of distractions.
And I was sitting on the
sofa and I had an epiphany.
I realized I hate the
hate more than I hate you.
So that's why I'm here
because there's really
only one way out.
I forgive you Colin Walcott!
- [Garbage Collector]
That's okay!
- [Tess] Prat.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Kelly] Oh, good day.
It's Kelly from
Kendrick Estate Agents.
Am I talking to Cat Walcott?
- No, I'm her mum.
I'm Marilyn.
- [Kelly] Okay, sorry, had a
bit of a big one last night.
We flogged a school
football pitch to a casino
and I am sweatin' sambuca.
Anyway, I'm calling about
the completion arrangements
for the Stokes Hill Property.
I believe Cathy left the
keys with her sister.
- Yes, we've got them.
- [Kelly] Top banana.
Can I meet you at
the property at 11?
I would pop over to yours,
but I've just done one
of those online blood
alcohol calculators
and I can't drive till seven.
Is that a sausage roll?
Oh yes!
Mate, oi, Marilyn,
you still there?
- Yeah.
- [Kelly] Great, all right.
I'll see you at 11, darlin'.
Tata.
(peaceful music)
Took my love, took it down
Climbed a mountain
and I turned around
And I saw my reflection
in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide
brought me down
Oh mirror in the sky
What is love
(upbeat music)
- Right, you ready?
Right, where's this from, okay?
I'm the king of the world!
- Thingy in what's it?
God, I love that film!
- That is so freaking freaky.
I love that film too.
We could be the same person.
- Yeah, okay, can you move
so I can see the canal?
- Yep, sorry.
- Thank you.
(Cat groans)
- [Cat] Here, do you get
dolphins in the canals?
(birds chirping)
- You're Marilyn, right?
I'm gonna need a moment.
Citymapper said it was
a 20 minute walk here.
I mean, that's a load of
bull crap right there.
I'm sorry, okay.
All right.
Have you got the keys?
Brilliant, thanks.
- Do you want me
to do anythin' else
while I'm out and about?
- Yeah, yeah, you
can take the post.
There we go.
Now, we've got all the
bank account details, yeah,
for the payment.
- Yes, I believe it's
going to the solicitors.
Colin, my other half, the
owner, he didn't leave a will
so it's all got a
bit complicated.
- Look, I don't wanna
be a sticky beak,
but you know the
other one, Tess.
Is she the wife?
- Yeah, I was his lover.
- Yes.
Yes.
That is beautiful.
Well, I guess I'll ring you
when we've officially completed.
Parksy, mate, I was right.
She's the lover (laughs).
Yeah, you owe me a pint.
Told ya so. Yeah, I can do
Queens Head in 20 minutes.
Hair of the dog, mate, yeah.
Baby you light
up my light like
- [Cath] I hate not
knowing where we're going.
- [Cat] It's a surprise.
Oh my God.
There's a guy in the
bush starin' at me.
- He's just fishing.
- No he's not, he's
got his cock out.
- No he doesn't have
his cock out, Cat.
Oh my God, he does have-
Pervert!
- Oi, don't think much
of your bait, mate.
Eh, did you just hear that?
I said I don't think
much of bait, mate.
Yeah, pull over, I need a piss.
- What happened with you and
that waiter the other night?
Like, what base did you get to?
- How many bases are there?
- Four.
- We got to like seventh.
- What, how do you even do that?
- I've got a very
high pain threshold.
- No, no, I mean, no, how are
you so successful with boys?
I mean, I mean, men.
I'm useless.
- Bollocks, us Walcotts
are hot pieces of ass.
If we was at Nando's, we'd
be the chili triple sign.
- No, I'm lemon and
herb all the way.
I'm terrible flirt
and not in a sort of,
she's a terrible flirt, kind
of a way more in a sort of,
did she just mention
ringworm kind of a flirt?
Oh my God, I love the song.
- Oh tune, tune.
Baby can't ya see
I'm callin'
A guy like you
should wear a warnin'
It's dangerous
I'm fallin'
(bus whooshing)
(people chattering)
Oh my God, look at those cows.
- Where?
- Their balls are massive!
- I think you mean their udders.
- No, they're not,
they're balls.
- No, they're udders.
- Moo!
Oh shit, we're here.
We're here.
Cathy pull over,
this is the place.
Look, look, it's the
pub from Dad's photo.
I thought that if
he can't come to us,
we'll go to him, or at
least his favorite place.
- God, I don't know what to say.
- You are welcome.
Fill my cup, put
some liquor in it
- Marilyn.
- Tess.
Oh my God.
What are you doing here?
Listen, that something really-
- I forgive you
Marilyn, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
- Okay.
There's just-
- Sorry, if I can just finish.
I can't walk around
with this much hate
because I'm not a
horrible person.
So to reiterate my opening
sentiment, I forgive you.
- Great.
Listen, I don't want to be rude,
but can we come back to this?
Because I think you
should see this letter.
I think I need to
put the kettle on.
Come on Tess.
- Yes, I can hold.
So they can't discuss
anything over the phone,
but they say, if we can go
over there with some ID,
they can talk us
through Colin's will.
- Who are you talking about, we?
- Well, I'm not
doing this alone.
- Okay.
- That's impressive.
I didn't know Cat was
grade eight saxophone.
- Oh, she's not.
That's your Catherine Walcott,
but it's nice to imagine.
We got that when we
gutted your house.
- Yes, sorry.
Terrific, yes.
Great, we'll come straight over.
Let's go, now.
(upbeat music)
- If you're so shit at flirtin',
how did bag Marcus?
- We met on a
unisex netball team.
- How can a sentence that
contains sex and balls
be so unerotic.
- Well, ball isn't really
an erotic word, is it?
- Balls, ball sack.
What are you talkin' about?
That's my go to word
when I'm talking dirty.
- Really, ball sack?
- Yeah, men don't want
friggin' Mills & Boon, Cathy.
They're filthy bastards.
- I don't know any of this.
Oh, that's very funny.
I know the original,
keep calm and carry on,
but that is very clever.
(upbeat music)
- Hiya, what can I get you?
- May I peruse your
wine list please?
- No, two Foster Tops.
Is there any at KFC around here?
- No, no, welcome to
the middle of nowhere.
Oh, but how do you
feel about Bombay mix?
- Oh, now we are talking.
- Oh, yes!
- Honestly, I actually
don't understand people
that don't love that shit.
I've eaten half of this myself.
- Yes, please.
Though I'm never sure
whether we should call it
Bombay mix or Mumbai mix
'cause obviously there
are colonial undertones.
- Well, I'll just call
'em spicy maggots.
(Cathy crying)
Cathy, oh, Cathy, come on.
- [Cathy] Sorry.
- Here look, have
some blue roll.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just got emotional.
I just got a wave, you know?
I am doing the right
thing, aren't I, Cat?
- Oh, 100%!
You know, Marcus is a total dick
and do you know what
really annoyed me about it?
How much of a slow eater he was.
- Pervert.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Cathy, the world
is our oyster, right?
I've never eaten an oyster,
but the beauty of the
world being an oyster
is that maybe one day
I could eat an oyster.
We could eat our world.
- That's wise words.
- Are they?
- Right, makeover time.
- Oh no, no thank you.
- Oh babes, come on, live
a little, live a lot!
Consider yourself Queer Eyed.
You're not even gonna recognize
yourself in 30 minutes.
- Can you err on
the side of natural?
- Sh, I can't contour
if you're talkin'!
(toilet whooshes)
- Oh my God.
I love it.
I look like I could have
my own show on ITV3.
- You know, us Walcotts have
incredible bone structure.
- Yeah.
- Look up here, right here.
Just gotta subtly tease 'em out.
- Yeah, you're like a
cheekbone archeologist.
- You know, when I was a kid,
this is all I ever wanted.
A sister to do makeovers
and dance routines with.
Now look at us.
Right, should we go and get
a drink and watch the sunset?
- Yes please.
(upbeat music)
I've never felt better.
(women muttering)
- Anyone got a boat but it
will go a book called Catkin?
- Yeah.
- It's floatin' down the canal.
- Shit.
- [Cathy] Oh my God.
- Oh my God, the boat, the
boat, the boat, the boat.
- Oh my God, it's our boat.
- Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God, he's in.
- Oh my God.
Wow.
(dog barking)
- [Gus] Yeah mate,
throw us that rope.
Nice one.
- [Cat] It's like that
bit from what's that?
- [Cathy] "Pride and Prejudice"?
- [Cat] No, "Ex on the Beach".
- [Cathy] Oh my God.
- Baby boy.
- Wow.
- Maybe we should go
see if he's all right.
- I am so, so, so,
so, so, so sorry.
I'm such an idiot.
Absolutely my bad.
- No worries, he
needed a wash anyway.
- Oh, shut up.
- Can I buy you two
drink as a thank you?
That's okay, isn't it Cat?
If these two gentlemen join us?
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, I need
to get changed first.
You guys stickin' around?
- Hell yes we're
sticking around.
You try and stop
us being sticky.
- All right.
- When I flirt, I
sound like Ed Miliband.
- Who?
(cars whooshing)
- We did leave
quite a few messages
on his mobile, but nevermind.
Right, that'll be 600 pounds.
Sorry about this.
It's only seems to work in
the corridor for some reason.
Cindy, the bloody doodah's
stopped workin' again.
- Thank you for forgivin' me.
- I just reached a point
where I thought I don't
want hate to define me.
And I can't really blame you
for falling in love with Colin.
It's exactly what I did.
- Well, it's very
gracious of you.
- Don't you feel any
resentment towards him?
- I actually feel
a peace about it.
There was this woman
that did my smear once.
She told me, she thought
love was like a river.
No one can own a river.
You can own the bank,
but not the actual water.
Colin was our beautiful
swirling river
and we just had to let him flow.
- People really open up to you.
- Well, to be fair, I was
really opening up to her.
- Oh, it's decided to work now.
Right, sorry about that.
If you can just insert your PIN.
Smashing, and
there is your will.
It's very straightforward.
The majority of it goes to
Tess, as his lawful wedded wife
and the rest of
it's divided equally
between the three children.
- Sorry, what do you
mean three children?
- The cheatin' bastard!
- [Catherine] So how do
you two know each other?
- That's my sister,
I'm Cat, she's Cathy.
We're actually both Catherines.
- I'm a Catherine!
- [Cat] Really?
- Yeah, well everyone
call me Kitty.
- [Cat] Oh my God.
- Jackpot!
Hey, I don't mind telling you,
but I have got my
drinking lips on tonight.
- You know Cathy, Cathy,
she's another Catherine.
- Yeah.
- Three Catherines.
- The Holy Catherine-ity.
Oh, Catherine, you'll like this.
My dad, well, our dad,
he has a photograph of
himself outside this pub
and so we thought that we would
take a pilgrimage here today
on his yacht.
- He certainly cleared
two berth (mutters).
- Wait, hold on, who's your dad?
'Cause I might know him,
this is my mum's pub.
- Oh, well he died
unfortunately,
but Colin Walcott.
- Colin, Colin's dead?
Oh my God.
Colin's died.
God, that's, sorry,
but bloody hell.
Well, 'cause he used to do
our pub quizzes on Thursdays.
Oh my God, my mum's gonna be
knocked for six about that.
Oh God, I think I need a drink.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
I don't know how I'm gonna
tell my mum about this.
To Colin.
- [Cathy And Cat] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Cathy And Cat] To Dad.
- Whoa.
So Kitty, about the Thursday
thing with Colin, my-
- Oi, oi, saveloy sausages.
Not jizz.
Just in time, we're gonna
be doing some shots.
Two more of those diddly
little glasses please.
- Cool, right, Cathy, Cathy.
Just one more shot with
the lads to say thank you
and then we'll find
a table and we'll sit
and we'll watch the sunset.
You and me, sister sunset.
- Yeah, look, I'll
join you outside.
So, a toast to ball sacks.
- [Guests] Ball sacks.
I know he did you wrong,
we can make it right
We're gonna let it
all hang out tonight
- Pick up, come on.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
They're not picking up.
Okay, where have they
gone to, Marilyn?
Where are they staying?
What are the girls going to?
- I am ragin' here, Tess.
I am boilin' over.
I mean, it's one
thing to have a wife
but quite another to
take an extra lover.
- Okay, now-
- The three timing.
- [Tess] Marilyn.
- Sex pest piece of shit.
- Marilyn.
Right, Marilyn.
- What an idiot!
- Marilyn, focus!
Where are the girls?
- At the pub.
(upbeat music)
- There you are.
Why don't you come
back inside and dance?
- Nah, I'm all right thanks.
- Oh, come on.
Come inside!
Those guys are a real top
pair of spunk buckets.
Not that I'm objectifying them.
They're also really nice guys.
Boys, men, males.
- I don't feel like it, okay?
- Sorry, are you
in a snot with me?
- No.
- Wait, are you jealous?
- This was supposed
to be our honeymoon
and then them guys
just turned up
and now I just feel like
a proper gooseberry.
- Sorry about the sunset.
- Yeah, well it was all right.
- Sorry, I think
I got overexcited
by the builders.
- Don't apologize.
They were fit.
- Yeah.
Well, I owe you a thank you
and not just for excavating
my natural cheekbones,
but for this, for all of this.
You know, if it wasn't for you,
I would probably be married
to a man I didn't love
and I would never
have the confidence
to toast a man's ball sack.
I've got you to
thank for everything.
- Makin' me emotional now.
- Oh my God.
Rave from the grave.
I haven't had this since
my school leavers ball.
Come on!
- Isn't that when you got
off with the maths teacher?
- [Cathy] It was one slow dance
to end a very intense
year of maths.
100%, I'll make it perfect
You got a body to die
for, let me merk it
Now it's murder
on the dance floor
I wanna take this further
than the dance floor
I ain't forceful but
I'm still hardcore
You're gonna give me
everything I ask for
It's not a long ting,
you're a boom ting
Maybe more than
a hotel room ting
I'll never know if
I just walk past
I really wanna dance so
I guess I'll just ask
She aint no hoe
- Here, the best way
to get over a horse
is to get off with
two other horses
at the same time.
My mind, body and soul
Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
Come and dance with me
Come dance with me
I see you glance at me
That's why I'm asking, b
So let's party, b
Come and dance with me
If I'm out on my own
Then I can look at
you looking at me
If I'm out on a date
Then I just shut my
eyes, then I can't see
- Hello?
Get away from the bar
Tell your boyfriend
hold your jar
Yeah, yeah, one second.
Cat, Cat, Cat!
Phone for you.
I got my left eye
checkin' out your scenery
- Hello?
No matter how I look,
darlin' you look good to me
I can't hear you, mum,
you'll have to talk up.
- You've got a brother.
He's called Callum.
- Oi, Callum, what
are you drinkin'?
When you do it
I just wanna be a part
of it when you do it
I'll feel like a wally
if I don't pursue it
And I can't go through it
So let's get to it
- No!
Don't you want
somebody to love
Don't you need
somebody to love
Wouldn't you love
somebody to love
You better find
somebody to love
Love
When the garden flowers