The Paper (2025) s01e06 Episode Script
Churnalism
1
TRAVIS: So yeah, me and Glen do this
just about every morning.
Usually, I'm loading boxes
faster than you can imagine.
But I'm feeling something troublesome
in my L4, L5 vertebrae,
so Glen's handling it for me today.
I appreciate you, brother.
- [GLEN GROANS]
- Silent generation.
They do not make them like that anymore.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Bathroom. Bathroom.
TRAVIS: Right there.
[PANTING]
Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, God.
- Excuse me?
- It's a pull, dude.
- It's what?
- It's a pull.
[NED GRUNTS]
Every morning,
I have a very strong coffee,
and then I cycle to work.
And on my way,
I have to stop
at the McGundry Park bathrooms.
I'm a creature of habit.
This morning, those bathrooms
were mysteriously padlocked,
so I became a creature of panic.
Sorry, guys. [SIGHS] Small bladder.
- Didn't sound like urine.
- Take it easy, Glen.
- What did he say?
- It didn't sound like urine.
TRAVIS: He says
it doesn't sound like urine.
[NED SIGHS]
Hey, Glen, back to work, bud.
We gotta get these out by 10.
All right, that's pretty good.
Anyone else?
Esmeralda, would you like to go next?
Oh, my God. Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous.
A room full with real journalists.
ESMERALDA: Oh, no.
I'm not nervous in front of nerds.
This is an urgent, necessary story
for anyone who likes being hot.
- That's me.
- Bravo, Barry. Exactly.
The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang,
has found that
their Phenol Revitalizing Mask
is the most effective face product
in face history. Wow.
Wow. Um Yeah. ESMERALDA: Yeah.
Yeah. So I love the story.
- ESMERALDA: Thank you.
- I love this story.
If there was just some way
to broaden the scope
beyond the existence of a product
and where to buy it.
Oh, yes, of course.
I can cover the price as well.
Uh Ah
- Okay. I'll pitch my story.
- Yes.
And maybe there'll be something in that
that informs what you want to do
with your story.
Anything could happen.
Okay.
So, I noticed this morning
that the public restrooms
in McGundry Park were suddenly closed.
And I later found out
that they are replacing them with
an e-bike kiosk?
I mean, really?
Yes.
No, that's it.
I don't know where it leads.
- But Nicole
- Yeah?
do you see the difference?
Um Esmeralda's article
seems like clickbait.
- Yes.
- And yours seems like
something my mom would text
and it wouldn't be clear why.
Yeah. So Esmeralda's article
was clickbait.
Guys, churnalism, right?
Raise your hand if you've ever
actually learned anything
- from an article like this.
- [CELL PHONE BLIPS]
Not one of Oh, all of you.
Okay. I just I'm gonna be honest.
I don't know that there
is a place for this
KEN: I wouldn't be so sure.
Truth Teller moving forward.
How long have you been standing there?
Long enough.
Now, I don't know
if I've ever told you guys
about my old childhood friend,
- Douglas Keane.
- NED: No.
So, Douglas grew up in
a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.
- Sounds sick as hell.
- It does. Thank you, Travis.
But do you know how Douglas' parents
paid for this 10-bedroom estate
in Cardiff?
- No.
- Anyone?
- No.
- Oscar?
- Textiles?
- Pardon me?
- Textiles?
- Prostitution.
- Goddamn it.
- I'll give you it.
Prostitution.
Well, we are Douglas Keane.
This beautiful office
is the 10-bedroom estate,
and these, yes, slightly dodgy
clickbait articles
are prostituting themselves for us.
Without them,
the TTT will die in darkness.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- ESMERALDA: Fine.
- Fine.
ESMERALDA: Thank you. KEN: Thank you.
- Stay. Go?
- Go.
Off I pop.
NED: All right. We'll do it,
but we're not doing advertorials.
We will review these products
with rigor and integrity.
- Like Wirecutter.
- Yes, like Wirecutter.
Wirecutter is amazing.
We'll test the products ourselves,
and we'll tell the truth
about them, good or bad.
Okay, you want to take my work from me?
I'll take your work from you.
And I'm going to write about
that boring bathroom.
- Would you like that?
- I'd love that.
Ned accuses me
of sensationalizing stories.
Now, since when sensation
is a bad thing?
Ask a box of condoms.
Maybe you'll see what it takes
to be a real journalist.
Maybe you will see what it takes
to write something
that people in this town
actually care about.
[LAUGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, so apparently
some generous corporation
sent these to Esmeralda
out of the goodness of their heart.
For free? Hell yeah.
NED: No, not "hell yeah". Hell maybe.
We're supposed to be neutral.
Do not be afraid to ruffle some feathers
over at Flat Belly Enterprises.
Okay, who wants what?
I'll do this Ulzzang thing
for my sensitive skin.
Who wants "kombucha for gut health"?
Hm Is this
supposed to be refrigerated?
Juice is better at room temp.
Brings the flavors out.
- Can I do this jawline enhancer?
- How does it work?
I don't know,
but me and my swole jawline
- will report back to you.
- Dude, what are those?
Oh, it's melatonin. It helps you sleep.
Can I please have it?
I'll pay you anything you want.
I'm getting no sleep.
It's killing me.
The doctors can't explain it.
- Sure.
- Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
Okay, so does everyone have something?
- DETRICK: Yep.
- Awesome.
I think we're gonna have
a great time doing this, guys.
Guaranteed six-pack abs.
No crunches required, heh.
Obviously,
I know these things don't work.
Um
But they may work for me.
- [MURMURING TO SELF]
- [KNOCKING]
- MARE: Hey.
- Hey.
Ned just asked me to ask you
if you needed an assistant
for the restroom article.
Did he send you to babysit me?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Um
Mm-mm.
Nope. Just plain assistance.
Oh, you mean like a servant?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like a servant.
I think I could accept that.
Good. I mean, the story's
gonna be simple.
- It's gonna be like this big.
- No, that's your problem.
If you think small, your life is small.
Like an ant.
What you got there, sir?
Oh, they're, uh, mushrooms
that make your brain go fast.
Um, yuck. You know mushroom's a fungus?
Like mold or athlete's foot.
Ooh, excuse me, sir.
[BOTTLE CLATTERS IN TRASH]
Why don't you try these?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Wh What are they?
Pills for men. Soldiers take them.
Oh, there we go. Love that.
What the hell did you just give him?
These are from a family-run business
called Rudy's.
They are what you might
call, um, m-male boosters.
Perfectly safe male boosters.
OSCAR: Rudy's as in the gas station?
I think they do sell gas. Yes, Oscar.
Extra potency. Oh, God.
I'm gonna get her pregnant again.
ADAM: I just can't have any more kids.
Four is just about manageable,
'cause you get one per hand per adult.
But five, I don't even
I've been thinking,
like, how do you even?
How do you even do that?
Do you use a foot? Then people
think you're kicking them?
The packaging makes
some quite serious claims
about what these pills are capable of,
and if they're true, then
That could be rather good
for me, moving forward.
You would be mad
to just rip open a packet
and, um, take them yourself, clearly.
But the King's Taster
is there for a reason.
And, um, we shall see what is happening
inside that man as, as time goes on.
He'll be fine. You would hope.
[PANTING]
- It hurts a little bit.
- Yeah?
- Is it on too high, you think?
- Maybe. I can take it. [GRUNTS]
Oh, my God.
- Dude, this is Level 3.
- I know.
Out of ten, that is pathetic,
Oscar. Give me, let me try.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Level 3. Okay.
Yeah. See, this is nothing.
This is like half a period cramp.
- You're being dramatic.
- What?
I'm sorry. I heard what I said.
You're being hyperbolic.
- Oh.
- There's no way
a period cramp can hurt more than that.
Turn it up. I'll tell you
when it feels like a cramp.
- It's on three.
- Yeah. Turn it up.
No.
- [REMOTE BEEPS]
- No.
- [REMOTE BEEPS AGAIN]
- No.
[REMOTE BEEPING, DEVICE BUZZING]
- Yeah, that's about right.
- You're at a 9 out of 10.
Yeah, now add on devastating
mood swings, bloating,
and an inner voice that tells you
you'll never amount to anything.
[QUIETLY] Okay.
- It's tingling, heh.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
[GASPING]
- It's a little stronger.
- Mm.
- Is it too much for you?
- No.
- No?
- [GRUNTING] I feel a difference.
Yeah, you keep feeling that.
It's a little more powerful than before.
Yeah, just a little bit, right?
[CONTINUES GRUNTING]
DETRICK: Nicole's not doing great.
It was the kombucha that got her.
I feel like that stuff,
it does need to be refrigerated.
That's why when you buy it
from the store,
it's always in the refrigerator.
[PHONE RINGS]
This is Frank Durham.
Umm Mr. Durham, hello.
This is Esmeralda Grand
- from the Toledo Truth Teller.
- Okay.
We are writing, um, a nothing story
about a bathroom that was closed
in Mac-Uh Um
- McGundry.
- Mac Mac
- Gundry.
- Mac-something Park.
You were listed as
the administrative
project manager, right?
Can you make this quick?
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I got a lot to do today.
Well, me too, Frank.
We all do things on this planet.
Listen, it was just a routine
reallocation of space.
We had a public meeting.
There was no dissent, so we did it.
That's great. Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, bye.
Okay.
All right, now we just need
to get a quote
from a park user, not Ned,
and we have our piece.
Bada-bing, bada boom.
No, bada-beam.
Frank Durham is the story.
- What?
- Make it quick.
- Such a piece of a big shit.
- That's
You know, he's hiding something.
No, that's just how people
talk to journalists.
Well, this is not how
people talk to me, okay?
Come on.
- Well, get your stuff.
- Okay.
I live to serve.
Hey, we're gonna take off and
Oh, my gosh.
- You look like an avatar.
- They're called Na'vi, actually.
Mare, I think we should Oh, my God!
- Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!
- [CHUCKLES]
I was just joking. That was just a joke.
No, no, you look handsome
as usual, as every day.
- Should we go or not?
- Yeah. See you.
Bye.
Oh, no. Uh
Shoot.
- Hey.
- I, uh, I think we're all here.
Ned, Dan is running
our Cincinnati papers,
doing an amazing job,
and I asked his boss
if you could pick his brain.
- Hi, Ned.
- Hey, Dan,
thank you for doing this.
Big fan of your work.
I loved your piece on
the Maumee River algae blooms.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
And Marv told me you sold a ton
of toilet paper at Softees.
- Real Renaissance man.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah,
it's a pretty wide skill set,
that's for sure.
Turn on your camera, Ned.
We can't see you.
Sure.
Hey!
What the hell happened to your face?
Oh, this.
No, it's just for a story
that we're, uh, we're working on.
Oh, good. No offense.
For a moment, I thought
you were taking affiliated
marketing kickback from Amazon.
- Like Wirecutter.
- Oh.
Not that you would ever
do anything that lame.
No, God, no. No, Wirecutter sucks.
Wirecutter sucks.
Yeah, we're working on a story
right now about colorism
in the Korean beauty market
and ethical concerns
over skin bleaching.
- Am I being scooped right now?
- No.
That sounds like a great angle.
We're focusing less on the ethical
and more on the exfoliating
properties of the product,
and how that impacts the
You know, speaking of,
it's starting to burn a little.
Ann! Remember Smurfs?
[GROANING]
[NICOLE VOMITING]
- Hey, can I get in there?
- NICOLE: Oh, what do you want?
- I need a sink.
- Is she vomiting?
I don't care.
Nicole, I need to get in.
My face is very hot.
- NICOLE: I can't, I'm sorry.
- No. Come on.
- NICOLE: Go away!
- Nicole!
- NICOLE: I'm sorry! Go away!
- Please! Please!
MARE: Hey. We have some questions
about the recent
bathroom closure at McGundry.
Was there a hearing about that?
Looks like there was on the 13th.
- Who are you?
- We're reporters.
- Is Frank Durham here?
- No.
And I don't see any appointments.
What can you tell us about Frank?
Like, does he drive a car
that is strangely expensive
for his salary?
Durham? ESMERALDA: Yes.
A 20-year-old Kia.
- Which kind of Kia?
- A black one.
Who are you exactly?
Would you excuse us for a second?
She's onto us.
MARE: She's onto what?
ESMERALDA: She's onto us.
You distract her. [CHUCKLES]
- You distract her.
- From what?
Distract. Ha!
Oh, my God! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! [SIGHS]
- What are you doing?
- My migraine.
The migraine, you know?
Oh, it's so bad. I'm so sorry.
I lay down for a second,
and it goes away, I swear.
- Like, so sorry about that.
- Where are you going?
- Where are you going?
- Bye [MOANS]
Oh, mamma mia.[SIGHS]
So, um
Oh, my God.
Um
I'm so sorry. Could I
Could you just come over here?
- SECRETARY: What?
- For a second? I'm sorry.
I just have a quick question.
What kind of electrical socket is that?
Yeah. I feel like I haven't seen
one of those since I was a kid.
Does it use a ground pin?
- I wouldn't know.
- I know. I
It's just such a great space.
I don't know if you've thought about
like putting an appliance
there or something.
Oh, my gosh, who is that?
Hunka eye candy.
Is he single?
- He passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, I just, it's hard
to meet people in this
[CLICKS TONGUE]
What did he die of? I'm sorry.
Let's see. ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Oh, my God. It's a big one.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- I'm so sorry about that.
You know it happens sometimes.
A bullet here.
MARE: Thank you so much.
ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi!
Oh, my God. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
I don't really have a migraine.
This is just me
being great at journalism.
MARE: Come on.
Take off your mic.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
Can you just give us a second, please?
- What are you doing?
- Just take it off.
Why?
I'm sorry.
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: It just feels hopeless.
MAN 1: I know, but you just
got to go for it.
MAN 2: Amy messed me up, man.
MAN 1: That was a year ago now.
MAN 2: Was it?
MAN 1: You're a great guy.
- You've got a lot to offer.
- MAN 2: You too.
[MARE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
You guys making a movie?
Are you a student film?
[CHUCKLES]
- Drama. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
[SIGHS]
- Hello, matey.
- Hi.
Just wanted to check in on you
as a courtesy.
- How do you feel?
- Okay.
Except for like an hour,
I was freezing cold.
That would be the taurine.
Perfectly normal.
And for a while, I was boiling hot.
Right, well, that's the extract
of ghost pepper, I believe.
- Mm.
- It's all clearly labeled.
Ken, what if it,
like, supercharges my semen?
- Pardon me?
- Supercharges my semen.
I can't afford another kid.
Have you never heard of contraception?
Get some sheep intestines,
tie a knot in it, you're good to go.
Her father doesn't believe
in birth control.
He'd kill me.
You are in quite a pickle, my son.
- You want my advice?
- Yeah.
Listen to your heart.
- Thanks, pal.
- For arrhythmia.
Brought on by the taurine.
I took some pictures of his office.
There is this calendar that he has
with a, a sickly little dog on it. Look.
- Okay, so that's Snoopy.
- Yeah, I know.
I just don't like him.
Wait, but look.
On the 13th, it doesn't say
anything about a public hearing.
It just says trivia night.
Yeah, those kind of men,
they love to yell out facts.
Oh, my God. That means he was lying.
- Yes.
- He was lying.
- He was lying!
- [LAUGHS] Wow.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Holy shit! Oh, hang on.
Oh, hello. NED: Hey, how's it going?
[LAUGHING]
Why are you using that filter?
No reason. Just give me
the bathroom update.
- Okay, so he was lying
- He was lying!
about holding a hearing on the 13th,
but the only proof we have
is a picture of a calendar
that Esmeralda took without permission.
- No, but we can't use that.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to your face?
It's It's not so bad.
I mean, the pain I am in is extreme,
but it's gonna be a great piece, so
That's a black Kia.
That's him. That's Frank.
- Oh, my God.
- ESMERALDA: Let's follow him.
- Hey, I told you.
- I have to go.
- Okay, bye
- [PHONE DISCONNECTS]
NED: All right, it's 5:00,
let's see where we are.
How we doing?
DETRICK: Jesus!
What's going on with your face?
I I had a bit of a reaction
to the chemical peel.
ALL: Oh! ADELOLA: Oh, my God.
NED: Okay, focus on
your stories, not my face.
Go home, finish your trials,
and come up with some detailed reports.
Come on. OSCAR: I can't do that.
No, come on.
- It hurts too much.
- A half-day period?
- Aw, must be tough.
- Okay, you win. Women suffer.
I'm sorry I said you were dramatic.
[MUFFLED] I don't want this shit
in my mouth anymore.
- Don't say that.
- My jaw is the same size,
and I can smell my goatee burning.
- C-Can we just stop?
- No, no. Guys,
Esmeralda's story is really taking off.
We don't want to fall behind, okay?
- Ned, none of this is safe.
- NED: This is perfectly safe.
It's journalism.
All right, you know what? Watch this.
Perfectly safe. ADAM: No.
- Why are you, Ned?
- No problem.
- No, it's not bedtime, dude.
- It's fine.
No. DETRICK: While you're at it,
take this one too.
ADELOLA: Ooh! NICOLE: Oh, God.
No one is asking you to do this.
This shit's gonna kill you.
- There's one more in here.
- Mm-hmm.
TRAVIS: There's too many.
ADELOLA: Should you be combining?
NICOLE: You forgot the TENS machine.
NED: The what? TRAVIS: The TENS machine.
- NICOLE: Put it on.
- Not a problem.
- You're gonna fuck yourself up.
- Let me tell you something.
Sometimes you need to go
to extremes for a story.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- [GASPS]
- ADELOLA: Oh.
- [GROANS]
[GRUNTING] Make me proud.
I look forward to your reports.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
DETRICK: All right.
[GASPS]
[NED COUGHS]
[NED GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
ESMERALDA: Look!
That's him. That's Frank.
MARE: What the hell are we doing here?
Well, you are going to go
undercover and
- No.
- Yes.
And you are going to squeeze him
for information.
- You'll milk him.
- Why can't you go?
Because I spoke to him at the phone
and he recognizes my voice, you know.
I could actually try an American accent.
"Merry Christmas, Frank."
- "Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
- I'll do it.
- But we have some work to do.
- What do you mean?
- I mean that
- I'm not wearing your clothes.
- I look fine.
- You don't look fine.
Do you think you look female like that?
- That's
- Come on.
- Where's my bag?
- I just I hate this.
Shut up. Why this car
just keeps talking?
- Turn the wipers
- I don't know how this
MARE: This is too much.
ESMERALDA: This is the best
you have ever looked.
And you're doing this
for journalism, right?
Your favorite.
Hey, your frown
is creasing the foundation.
Okay, thank you.
I just go up to the bar
and, like, talk to him?
Yeah, you go and say, hello.
In this fantasy, you are a normal girl.
- Okay, go.
- That's so rude.
Howdy, partner. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, hi.
- Is this seat taken?
- Hello.
Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?
Excuse me?
Table for one?
No. No. Never.
What you have here is not food.
It's bullshit.
It's not even Italian, you know?
It's a lie. This shouldn't
be here, you know? [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Bye.
- NED: Hey.
- Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Why did you text me
"Macaroni Barn, 911"?
Oh, well, because I wanted you
to witness in person my triumph.
We are about to take down Frank Durham,
the man responsible
for the bathroom closing.
Why does she look like that?
She's undercover as a beautiful woman.
Hi. What are you doing here?
You look You look so nice.
I think part of your face just fell off.
Oh, thanks.
8:42. Large chunk of left cheek
just dislodged.
Pain is down to an 8 and a half.
Are you getting anywhere?
He told me he does do trivia
every Tuesday night,
including the 13th.
That's right.
I'm trying to slow play it.
I got him to buy me a daiquiri.
- You little slut. I love it.
- I know.
[BOTH LAUGH]
So now we have to finish him.
- Okay.
- Go back.
Obviously, Mare, you don't have to.
If you're uncomfortable,
there are other ways
- we can do this.
- I know. I'm good.
You know, it's kind of a thrill.
HOSTESS: Will you be joining us
for dinner tonight?
I'm good.
[SIGHS]
I hate kombucha.
I hate what it's done to me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[SIGHS]
How many loaves of bread is that?
I think seven.
I have sourdough, I have white,
pretty much every kind of bread.
- You wanna come in?
- Yeah.
I know that intimacy is
at the core of our relationship,
but I think
CHILD: Can I watch something?
You cannot watch something!
- It's a school night!
- [CHILDREN SCREAM]
I'll have a heart attack
if you don't give me an orgasm
- in the next 10 minutes.
- Right.
Yeah! It ain't nothin' but a ♪
Let's see what these gummies
can do for my ass.
Mm. Mm!
and let the rims spin ♪
They tastes sweet.
[SNORING]
[SCREAMS]
[YELPS]
[SNORING]
[WATCH BEEPING]
Oh
You guys, I got his ass.
- You got his ass?
- Yeah.
He was bragging about
winning trivia night,
and I said, prove it, big boy.
- Oh, no.
- [LAUGHS] And he did.
He showed me a picture
with the date on it.
- Oh. Oh, wow.
- I took a pic of a pic.
- NED: All right.
- Yes, yes.
[GRUNTS] I think I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
And all of this,
we found out because of me.
Okay, we have to go.
He's freaking me out.
All of this, we found out because of me.
Oh, shit!
Hey.
Hey, you dead?
[GROANS]
I thought that guy was dead.
But he's alive.
You You've seen that, right?
He looked like
he might die tonight still.
So I'm gonna leave.
That way, if he dies later,
that's all y'all asses.
Oh, here he is. Hello, mate.
How are you feeling?
- Um
- And more importantly,
did you make mad,
ravenous, scorpion love
to your wife?
We did it, like, three times.
Wowie. Three times. Big man. Love that.
And yet you're still standing.
ADAM: Maybe those were just sugar pills.
I mean, three times
is pretty standard for us.
Did you guys finish your articles?
No, and I never will.
I'm gonna. That jaw thing was a scam.
First sleepover in the books,
not that I slept at all.
No, I was quite busy.
Nicole was puking
pretty much the whole night.
I learned that
I like being around Nicole
more than I hate being around puke.
[VOMITING LOUDLY]
It's okay. It didn't get you.
It just fell off the side.
It was a great night.
Guys.
I think he stayed up
trying to finish the article.
DETRICK: Damn. Skin looks radiant.
TRAVIS: Good morning.
DETRICK: Wakey wakey.
Good morning, sleeping beauty.
DETRICK: You look good.
Let's get you up.
Let's get you in the shower.
You're right. I'll condense that quote.
These are great notes.
Thank you. NED: No, I loved it.
It's great that
the Frank Durhams of the world
- know that someone's watching.
- Yeah. It was really Esmeralda.
- She was kind of amazing.
- Really?
It was nice to see her
being part of the team.
Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Uh Oh, uh, also,
I'm sorry that she made you
dress up like that.
I know that's not really your thing.
I dress up.
No, I know, but, like,
you know, being Flirting.
Being flirting? [CHUCKLES]
I don't want to cultivate
a workplace culture
where you feel the need to be sexualized
to get a story, you know?
- Anyone. You, Barry.
- Okay.
Why are you being weird?
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
[LAUGHING] Ned, what?
That you're an asexual.
I'm sorry,
because of your asexual nature.
- But
- Right?
No, I'm not asexual. I
- You're not?
- No.
Why do you Why would you think that?
I Well, because Esmeralda
She
- Okay.
- Okay, goddammit. Esmeralda!
I really would rather
We're gonna figure this out right now.
- Esmeralda!
- Yes?
Why did you lie to me
- and say that she was asexual?
- That's
Who is asexual?
Oh, you Don't do this,
'cause you said it
right to my face, okay?
Well, Ned, I'm so sorry,
but your face is changing all the time.
So sometimes it's hard to say,
to remember what I say to it.
You know, yesterday you were blue.
It doesn't really matter
why she said it.
It's just really weird
that you'd just believe it.
- Right.
- No, you're The twin bed.
- Oh, my God.
- You're single.
- You're single.
- I
I feel like there were more reasons.
- [SIGHS]
- You're just very gullible.
No. No, no, I'm not gullible.
I'm sorry, believing a lie about me
without asking me about it first?
- Aren't you a journalist?
- Okay, bye-bye.
I just
Look, asking you about it
would have been
- totally inappropriate.
- Mm-hmm.
The most respectful thing
that I could do was nothing.
Well, thank you so much
for respecting me.
I'm gonna go revise this.
NED: I don't get it.
Why is she mad at me?
[SIGHS]
You can say all the right things,
but some people
are just sensitive, I guess.
I don't even think she noticed
how revitalized I look.
MARE: Terrible, terrible.
[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]
TRAVIS: So yeah, me and Glen do this
just about every morning.
Usually, I'm loading boxes
faster than you can imagine.
But I'm feeling something troublesome
in my L4, L5 vertebrae,
so Glen's handling it for me today.
I appreciate you, brother.
- [GLEN GROANS]
- Silent generation.
They do not make them like that anymore.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Bathroom. Bathroom.
TRAVIS: Right there.
[PANTING]
Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, God.
- Excuse me?
- It's a pull, dude.
- It's what?
- It's a pull.
[NED GRUNTS]
Every morning,
I have a very strong coffee,
and then I cycle to work.
And on my way,
I have to stop
at the McGundry Park bathrooms.
I'm a creature of habit.
This morning, those bathrooms
were mysteriously padlocked,
so I became a creature of panic.
Sorry, guys. [SIGHS] Small bladder.
- Didn't sound like urine.
- Take it easy, Glen.
- What did he say?
- It didn't sound like urine.
TRAVIS: He says
it doesn't sound like urine.
[NED SIGHS]
Hey, Glen, back to work, bud.
We gotta get these out by 10.
All right, that's pretty good.
Anyone else?
Esmeralda, would you like to go next?
Oh, my God. Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous.
A room full with real journalists.
ESMERALDA: Oh, no.
I'm not nervous in front of nerds.
This is an urgent, necessary story
for anyone who likes being hot.
- That's me.
- Bravo, Barry. Exactly.
The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang,
has found that
their Phenol Revitalizing Mask
is the most effective face product
in face history. Wow.
Wow. Um Yeah. ESMERALDA: Yeah.
Yeah. So I love the story.
- ESMERALDA: Thank you.
- I love this story.
If there was just some way
to broaden the scope
beyond the existence of a product
and where to buy it.
Oh, yes, of course.
I can cover the price as well.
Uh Ah
- Okay. I'll pitch my story.
- Yes.
And maybe there'll be something in that
that informs what you want to do
with your story.
Anything could happen.
Okay.
So, I noticed this morning
that the public restrooms
in McGundry Park were suddenly closed.
And I later found out
that they are replacing them with
an e-bike kiosk?
I mean, really?
Yes.
No, that's it.
I don't know where it leads.
- But Nicole
- Yeah?
do you see the difference?
Um Esmeralda's article
seems like clickbait.
- Yes.
- And yours seems like
something my mom would text
and it wouldn't be clear why.
Yeah. So Esmeralda's article
was clickbait.
Guys, churnalism, right?
Raise your hand if you've ever
actually learned anything
- from an article like this.
- [CELL PHONE BLIPS]
Not one of Oh, all of you.
Okay. I just I'm gonna be honest.
I don't know that there
is a place for this
KEN: I wouldn't be so sure.
Truth Teller moving forward.
How long have you been standing there?
Long enough.
Now, I don't know
if I've ever told you guys
about my old childhood friend,
- Douglas Keane.
- NED: No.
So, Douglas grew up in
a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.
- Sounds sick as hell.
- It does. Thank you, Travis.
But do you know how Douglas' parents
paid for this 10-bedroom estate
in Cardiff?
- No.
- Anyone?
- No.
- Oscar?
- Textiles?
- Pardon me?
- Textiles?
- Prostitution.
- Goddamn it.
- I'll give you it.
Prostitution.
Well, we are Douglas Keane.
This beautiful office
is the 10-bedroom estate,
and these, yes, slightly dodgy
clickbait articles
are prostituting themselves for us.
Without them,
the TTT will die in darkness.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- ESMERALDA: Fine.
- Fine.
ESMERALDA: Thank you. KEN: Thank you.
- Stay. Go?
- Go.
Off I pop.
NED: All right. We'll do it,
but we're not doing advertorials.
We will review these products
with rigor and integrity.
- Like Wirecutter.
- Yes, like Wirecutter.
Wirecutter is amazing.
We'll test the products ourselves,
and we'll tell the truth
about them, good or bad.
Okay, you want to take my work from me?
I'll take your work from you.
And I'm going to write about
that boring bathroom.
- Would you like that?
- I'd love that.
Ned accuses me
of sensationalizing stories.
Now, since when sensation
is a bad thing?
Ask a box of condoms.
Maybe you'll see what it takes
to be a real journalist.
Maybe you will see what it takes
to write something
that people in this town
actually care about.
[LAUGHS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, so apparently
some generous corporation
sent these to Esmeralda
out of the goodness of their heart.
For free? Hell yeah.
NED: No, not "hell yeah". Hell maybe.
We're supposed to be neutral.
Do not be afraid to ruffle some feathers
over at Flat Belly Enterprises.
Okay, who wants what?
I'll do this Ulzzang thing
for my sensitive skin.
Who wants "kombucha for gut health"?
Hm Is this
supposed to be refrigerated?
Juice is better at room temp.
Brings the flavors out.
- Can I do this jawline enhancer?
- How does it work?
I don't know,
but me and my swole jawline
- will report back to you.
- Dude, what are those?
Oh, it's melatonin. It helps you sleep.
Can I please have it?
I'll pay you anything you want.
I'm getting no sleep.
It's killing me.
The doctors can't explain it.
- Sure.
- Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
Okay, so does everyone have something?
- DETRICK: Yep.
- Awesome.
I think we're gonna have
a great time doing this, guys.
Guaranteed six-pack abs.
No crunches required, heh.
Obviously,
I know these things don't work.
Um
But they may work for me.
- [MURMURING TO SELF]
- [KNOCKING]
- MARE: Hey.
- Hey.
Ned just asked me to ask you
if you needed an assistant
for the restroom article.
Did he send you to babysit me?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Um
Mm-mm.
Nope. Just plain assistance.
Oh, you mean like a servant?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like a servant.
I think I could accept that.
Good. I mean, the story's
gonna be simple.
- It's gonna be like this big.
- No, that's your problem.
If you think small, your life is small.
Like an ant.
What you got there, sir?
Oh, they're, uh, mushrooms
that make your brain go fast.
Um, yuck. You know mushroom's a fungus?
Like mold or athlete's foot.
Ooh, excuse me, sir.
[BOTTLE CLATTERS IN TRASH]
Why don't you try these?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Wh What are they?
Pills for men. Soldiers take them.
Oh, there we go. Love that.
What the hell did you just give him?
These are from a family-run business
called Rudy's.
They are what you might
call, um, m-male boosters.
Perfectly safe male boosters.
OSCAR: Rudy's as in the gas station?
I think they do sell gas. Yes, Oscar.
Extra potency. Oh, God.
I'm gonna get her pregnant again.
ADAM: I just can't have any more kids.
Four is just about manageable,
'cause you get one per hand per adult.
But five, I don't even
I've been thinking,
like, how do you even?
How do you even do that?
Do you use a foot? Then people
think you're kicking them?
The packaging makes
some quite serious claims
about what these pills are capable of,
and if they're true, then
That could be rather good
for me, moving forward.
You would be mad
to just rip open a packet
and, um, take them yourself, clearly.
But the King's Taster
is there for a reason.
And, um, we shall see what is happening
inside that man as, as time goes on.
He'll be fine. You would hope.
[PANTING]
- It hurts a little bit.
- Yeah?
- Is it on too high, you think?
- Maybe. I can take it. [GRUNTS]
Oh, my God.
- Dude, this is Level 3.
- I know.
Out of ten, that is pathetic,
Oscar. Give me, let me try.
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
Level 3. Okay.
Yeah. See, this is nothing.
This is like half a period cramp.
- You're being dramatic.
- What?
I'm sorry. I heard what I said.
You're being hyperbolic.
- Oh.
- There's no way
a period cramp can hurt more than that.
Turn it up. I'll tell you
when it feels like a cramp.
- It's on three.
- Yeah. Turn it up.
No.
- [REMOTE BEEPS]
- No.
- [REMOTE BEEPS AGAIN]
- No.
[REMOTE BEEPING, DEVICE BUZZING]
- Yeah, that's about right.
- You're at a 9 out of 10.
Yeah, now add on devastating
mood swings, bloating,
and an inner voice that tells you
you'll never amount to anything.
[QUIETLY] Okay.
- It's tingling, heh.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
[DEVICE BEEPS]
[GASPING]
- It's a little stronger.
- Mm.
- Is it too much for you?
- No.
- No?
- [GRUNTING] I feel a difference.
Yeah, you keep feeling that.
It's a little more powerful than before.
Yeah, just a little bit, right?
[CONTINUES GRUNTING]
DETRICK: Nicole's not doing great.
It was the kombucha that got her.
I feel like that stuff,
it does need to be refrigerated.
That's why when you buy it
from the store,
it's always in the refrigerator.
[PHONE RINGS]
This is Frank Durham.
Umm Mr. Durham, hello.
This is Esmeralda Grand
- from the Toledo Truth Teller.
- Okay.
We are writing, um, a nothing story
about a bathroom that was closed
in Mac-Uh Um
- McGundry.
- Mac Mac
- Gundry.
- Mac-something Park.
You were listed as
the administrative
project manager, right?
Can you make this quick?
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I got a lot to do today.
Well, me too, Frank.
We all do things on this planet.
Listen, it was just a routine
reallocation of space.
We had a public meeting.
There was no dissent, so we did it.
That's great. Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, bye.
Okay.
All right, now we just need
to get a quote
from a park user, not Ned,
and we have our piece.
Bada-bing, bada boom.
No, bada-beam.
Frank Durham is the story.
- What?
- Make it quick.
- Such a piece of a big shit.
- That's
You know, he's hiding something.
No, that's just how people
talk to journalists.
Well, this is not how
people talk to me, okay?
Come on.
- Well, get your stuff.
- Okay.
I live to serve.
Hey, we're gonna take off and
Oh, my gosh.
- You look like an avatar.
- They're called Na'vi, actually.
Mare, I think we should Oh, my God!
- Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!
- [CHUCKLES]
I was just joking. That was just a joke.
No, no, you look handsome
as usual, as every day.
- Should we go or not?
- Yeah. See you.
Bye.
Oh, no. Uh
Shoot.
- Hey.
- I, uh, I think we're all here.
Ned, Dan is running
our Cincinnati papers,
doing an amazing job,
and I asked his boss
if you could pick his brain.
- Hi, Ned.
- Hey, Dan,
thank you for doing this.
Big fan of your work.
I loved your piece on
the Maumee River algae blooms.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
And Marv told me you sold a ton
of toilet paper at Softees.
- Real Renaissance man.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah,
it's a pretty wide skill set,
that's for sure.
Turn on your camera, Ned.
We can't see you.
Sure.
Hey!
What the hell happened to your face?
Oh, this.
No, it's just for a story
that we're, uh, we're working on.
Oh, good. No offense.
For a moment, I thought
you were taking affiliated
marketing kickback from Amazon.
- Like Wirecutter.
- Oh.
Not that you would ever
do anything that lame.
No, God, no. No, Wirecutter sucks.
Wirecutter sucks.
Yeah, we're working on a story
right now about colorism
in the Korean beauty market
and ethical concerns
over skin bleaching.
- Am I being scooped right now?
- No.
That sounds like a great angle.
We're focusing less on the ethical
and more on the exfoliating
properties of the product,
and how that impacts the
You know, speaking of,
it's starting to burn a little.
Ann! Remember Smurfs?
[GROANING]
[NICOLE VOMITING]
- Hey, can I get in there?
- NICOLE: Oh, what do you want?
- I need a sink.
- Is she vomiting?
I don't care.
Nicole, I need to get in.
My face is very hot.
- NICOLE: I can't, I'm sorry.
- No. Come on.
- NICOLE: Go away!
- Nicole!
- NICOLE: I'm sorry! Go away!
- Please! Please!
MARE: Hey. We have some questions
about the recent
bathroom closure at McGundry.
Was there a hearing about that?
Looks like there was on the 13th.
- Who are you?
- We're reporters.
- Is Frank Durham here?
- No.
And I don't see any appointments.
What can you tell us about Frank?
Like, does he drive a car
that is strangely expensive
for his salary?
Durham? ESMERALDA: Yes.
A 20-year-old Kia.
- Which kind of Kia?
- A black one.
Who are you exactly?
Would you excuse us for a second?
She's onto us.
MARE: She's onto what?
ESMERALDA: She's onto us.
You distract her. [CHUCKLES]
- You distract her.
- From what?
Distract. Ha!
Oh, my God! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! [SIGHS]
- What are you doing?
- My migraine.
The migraine, you know?
Oh, it's so bad. I'm so sorry.
I lay down for a second,
and it goes away, I swear.
- Like, so sorry about that.
- Where are you going?
- Where are you going?
- Bye [MOANS]
Oh, mamma mia.[SIGHS]
So, um
Oh, my God.
Um
I'm so sorry. Could I
Could you just come over here?
- SECRETARY: What?
- For a second? I'm sorry.
I just have a quick question.
What kind of electrical socket is that?
Yeah. I feel like I haven't seen
one of those since I was a kid.
Does it use a ground pin?
- I wouldn't know.
- I know. I
It's just such a great space.
I don't know if you've thought about
like putting an appliance
there or something.
Oh, my gosh, who is that?
Hunka eye candy.
Is he single?
- He passed away.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, I just, it's hard
to meet people in this
[CLICKS TONGUE]
What did he die of? I'm sorry.
Let's see. ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Oh, my God. It's a big one.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- I'm so sorry about that.
You know it happens sometimes.
A bullet here.
MARE: Thank you so much.
ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi!
Oh, my God. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
I don't really have a migraine.
This is just me
being great at journalism.
MARE: Come on.
Take off your mic.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
Can you just give us a second, please?
- What are you doing?
- Just take it off.
Why?
I'm sorry.
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: It just feels hopeless.
MAN 1: I know, but you just
got to go for it.
MAN 2: Amy messed me up, man.
MAN 1: That was a year ago now.
MAN 2: Was it?
MAN 1: You're a great guy.
- You've got a lot to offer.
- MAN 2: You too.
[MARE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
You guys making a movie?
Are you a student film?
[CHUCKLES]
- Drama. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
[SIGHS]
- Hello, matey.
- Hi.
Just wanted to check in on you
as a courtesy.
- How do you feel?
- Okay.
Except for like an hour,
I was freezing cold.
That would be the taurine.
Perfectly normal.
And for a while, I was boiling hot.
Right, well, that's the extract
of ghost pepper, I believe.
- Mm.
- It's all clearly labeled.
Ken, what if it,
like, supercharges my semen?
- Pardon me?
- Supercharges my semen.
I can't afford another kid.
Have you never heard of contraception?
Get some sheep intestines,
tie a knot in it, you're good to go.
Her father doesn't believe
in birth control.
He'd kill me.
You are in quite a pickle, my son.
- You want my advice?
- Yeah.
Listen to your heart.
- Thanks, pal.
- For arrhythmia.
Brought on by the taurine.
I took some pictures of his office.
There is this calendar that he has
with a, a sickly little dog on it. Look.
- Okay, so that's Snoopy.
- Yeah, I know.
I just don't like him.
Wait, but look.
On the 13th, it doesn't say
anything about a public hearing.
It just says trivia night.
Yeah, those kind of men,
they love to yell out facts.
Oh, my God. That means he was lying.
- Yes.
- He was lying.
- He was lying!
- [LAUGHS] Wow.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Holy shit! Oh, hang on.
Oh, hello. NED: Hey, how's it going?
[LAUGHING]
Why are you using that filter?
No reason. Just give me
the bathroom update.
- Okay, so he was lying
- He was lying!
about holding a hearing on the 13th,
but the only proof we have
is a picture of a calendar
that Esmeralda took without permission.
- No, but we can't use that.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to your face?
It's It's not so bad.
I mean, the pain I am in is extreme,
but it's gonna be a great piece, so
That's a black Kia.
That's him. That's Frank.
- Oh, my God.
- ESMERALDA: Let's follow him.
- Hey, I told you.
- I have to go.
- Okay, bye
- [PHONE DISCONNECTS]
NED: All right, it's 5:00,
let's see where we are.
How we doing?
DETRICK: Jesus!
What's going on with your face?
I I had a bit of a reaction
to the chemical peel.
ALL: Oh! ADELOLA: Oh, my God.
NED: Okay, focus on
your stories, not my face.
Go home, finish your trials,
and come up with some detailed reports.
Come on. OSCAR: I can't do that.
No, come on.
- It hurts too much.
- A half-day period?
- Aw, must be tough.
- Okay, you win. Women suffer.
I'm sorry I said you were dramatic.
[MUFFLED] I don't want this shit
in my mouth anymore.
- Don't say that.
- My jaw is the same size,
and I can smell my goatee burning.
- C-Can we just stop?
- No, no. Guys,
Esmeralda's story is really taking off.
We don't want to fall behind, okay?
- Ned, none of this is safe.
- NED: This is perfectly safe.
It's journalism.
All right, you know what? Watch this.
Perfectly safe. ADAM: No.
- Why are you, Ned?
- No problem.
- No, it's not bedtime, dude.
- It's fine.
No. DETRICK: While you're at it,
take this one too.
ADELOLA: Ooh! NICOLE: Oh, God.
No one is asking you to do this.
This shit's gonna kill you.
- There's one more in here.
- Mm-hmm.
TRAVIS: There's too many.
ADELOLA: Should you be combining?
NICOLE: You forgot the TENS machine.
NED: The what? TRAVIS: The TENS machine.
- NICOLE: Put it on.
- Not a problem.
- You're gonna fuck yourself up.
- Let me tell you something.
Sometimes you need to go
to extremes for a story.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- [GASPS]
- ADELOLA: Oh.
- [GROANS]
[GRUNTING] Make me proud.
I look forward to your reports.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
DETRICK: All right.
[GASPS]
[NED COUGHS]
[NED GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
ESMERALDA: Look!
That's him. That's Frank.
MARE: What the hell are we doing here?
Well, you are going to go
undercover and
- No.
- Yes.
And you are going to squeeze him
for information.
- You'll milk him.
- Why can't you go?
Because I spoke to him at the phone
and he recognizes my voice, you know.
I could actually try an American accent.
"Merry Christmas, Frank."
- "Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
- I'll do it.
- But we have some work to do.
- What do you mean?
- I mean that
- I'm not wearing your clothes.
- I look fine.
- You don't look fine.
Do you think you look female like that?
- That's
- Come on.
- Where's my bag?
- I just I hate this.
Shut up. Why this car
just keeps talking?
- Turn the wipers
- I don't know how this
MARE: This is too much.
ESMERALDA: This is the best
you have ever looked.
And you're doing this
for journalism, right?
Your favorite.
Hey, your frown
is creasing the foundation.
Okay, thank you.
I just go up to the bar
and, like, talk to him?
Yeah, you go and say, hello.
In this fantasy, you are a normal girl.
- Okay, go.
- That's so rude.
Howdy, partner. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, hi.
- Is this seat taken?
- Hello.
Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?
Excuse me?
Table for one?
No. No. Never.
What you have here is not food.
It's bullshit.
It's not even Italian, you know?
It's a lie. This shouldn't
be here, you know? [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.
- Bye.
- NED: Hey.
- Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Why did you text me
"Macaroni Barn, 911"?
Oh, well, because I wanted you
to witness in person my triumph.
We are about to take down Frank Durham,
the man responsible
for the bathroom closing.
Why does she look like that?
She's undercover as a beautiful woman.
Hi. What are you doing here?
You look You look so nice.
I think part of your face just fell off.
Oh, thanks.
8:42. Large chunk of left cheek
just dislodged.
Pain is down to an 8 and a half.
Are you getting anywhere?
He told me he does do trivia
every Tuesday night,
including the 13th.
That's right.
I'm trying to slow play it.
I got him to buy me a daiquiri.
- You little slut. I love it.
- I know.
[BOTH LAUGH]
So now we have to finish him.
- Okay.
- Go back.
Obviously, Mare, you don't have to.
If you're uncomfortable,
there are other ways
- we can do this.
- I know. I'm good.
You know, it's kind of a thrill.
HOSTESS: Will you be joining us
for dinner tonight?
I'm good.
[SIGHS]
I hate kombucha.
I hate what it's done to me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[SIGHS]
How many loaves of bread is that?
I think seven.
I have sourdough, I have white,
pretty much every kind of bread.
- You wanna come in?
- Yeah.
I know that intimacy is
at the core of our relationship,
but I think
CHILD: Can I watch something?
You cannot watch something!
- It's a school night!
- [CHILDREN SCREAM]
I'll have a heart attack
if you don't give me an orgasm
- in the next 10 minutes.
- Right.
Yeah! It ain't nothin' but a ♪
Let's see what these gummies
can do for my ass.
Mm. Mm!
and let the rims spin ♪
They tastes sweet.
[SNORING]
[SCREAMS]
[YELPS]
[SNORING]
[WATCH BEEPING]
Oh
You guys, I got his ass.
- You got his ass?
- Yeah.
He was bragging about
winning trivia night,
and I said, prove it, big boy.
- Oh, no.
- [LAUGHS] And he did.
He showed me a picture
with the date on it.
- Oh. Oh, wow.
- I took a pic of a pic.
- NED: All right.
- Yes, yes.
[GRUNTS] I think I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
And all of this,
we found out because of me.
Okay, we have to go.
He's freaking me out.
All of this, we found out because of me.
Oh, shit!
Hey.
Hey, you dead?
[GROANS]
I thought that guy was dead.
But he's alive.
You You've seen that, right?
He looked like
he might die tonight still.
So I'm gonna leave.
That way, if he dies later,
that's all y'all asses.
Oh, here he is. Hello, mate.
How are you feeling?
- Um
- And more importantly,
did you make mad,
ravenous, scorpion love
to your wife?
We did it, like, three times.
Wowie. Three times. Big man. Love that.
And yet you're still standing.
ADAM: Maybe those were just sugar pills.
I mean, three times
is pretty standard for us.
Did you guys finish your articles?
No, and I never will.
I'm gonna. That jaw thing was a scam.
First sleepover in the books,
not that I slept at all.
No, I was quite busy.
Nicole was puking
pretty much the whole night.
I learned that
I like being around Nicole
more than I hate being around puke.
[VOMITING LOUDLY]
It's okay. It didn't get you.
It just fell off the side.
It was a great night.
Guys.
I think he stayed up
trying to finish the article.
DETRICK: Damn. Skin looks radiant.
TRAVIS: Good morning.
DETRICK: Wakey wakey.
Good morning, sleeping beauty.
DETRICK: You look good.
Let's get you up.
Let's get you in the shower.
You're right. I'll condense that quote.
These are great notes.
Thank you. NED: No, I loved it.
It's great that
the Frank Durhams of the world
- know that someone's watching.
- Yeah. It was really Esmeralda.
- She was kind of amazing.
- Really?
It was nice to see her
being part of the team.
Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Uh Oh, uh, also,
I'm sorry that she made you
dress up like that.
I know that's not really your thing.
I dress up.
No, I know, but, like,
you know, being Flirting.
Being flirting? [CHUCKLES]
I don't want to cultivate
a workplace culture
where you feel the need to be sexualized
to get a story, you know?
- Anyone. You, Barry.
- Okay.
Why are you being weird?
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
[LAUGHING] Ned, what?
That you're an asexual.
I'm sorry,
because of your asexual nature.
- But
- Right?
No, I'm not asexual. I
- You're not?
- No.
Why do you Why would you think that?
I Well, because Esmeralda
She
- Okay.
- Okay, goddammit. Esmeralda!
I really would rather
We're gonna figure this out right now.
- Esmeralda!
- Yes?
Why did you lie to me
- and say that she was asexual?
- That's
Who is asexual?
Oh, you Don't do this,
'cause you said it
right to my face, okay?
Well, Ned, I'm so sorry,
but your face is changing all the time.
So sometimes it's hard to say,
to remember what I say to it.
You know, yesterday you were blue.
It doesn't really matter
why she said it.
It's just really weird
that you'd just believe it.
- Right.
- No, you're The twin bed.
- Oh, my God.
- You're single.
- You're single.
- I
I feel like there were more reasons.
- [SIGHS]
- You're just very gullible.
No. No, no, I'm not gullible.
I'm sorry, believing a lie about me
without asking me about it first?
- Aren't you a journalist?
- Okay, bye-bye.
I just
Look, asking you about it
would have been
- totally inappropriate.
- Mm-hmm.
The most respectful thing
that I could do was nothing.
Well, thank you so much
for respecting me.
I'm gonna go revise this.
NED: I don't get it.
Why is she mad at me?
[SIGHS]
You can say all the right things,
but some people
are just sensitive, I guess.
I don't even think she noticed
how revitalized I look.
MARE: Terrible, terrible.
[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]