The Power of Parker (2023) s01e06 Episode Script
Dynamite
1
Six grand. Friday.
Drugs?! No! Needs dropping off
by tomorrow.
You slept with him, didn't you?
I can see it in your eyes.
I didn't. I wouldn't do that
to you. I wouldn't.
You've both been named
as shareholders.
You could force him out.
You'd own Parker's outright.
Tonight's all about us getting
you that treasurer's gig,
you winning over Vinnie.
Let me tell you about Martin.
Good morning, Mrs Treasurer.
I bet you're delicate.
You were dynamite last night.
Vinnie loves you.
I'll watch you crumble ♪
Everything is going to be OK.
..Like a very old wall, ooh
And I'll see you stranded, yeah
You took me for a fool, ooh
I'll have my revenge, ooh
Yeah
Cos I owe you nothing
Nothing at all
I owe you nothing, ooh
Nothing at all ♪
Ah. Vitamin C - good for you.
Morning.
..I owe you nothing ♪
Morning!
..Nothing at all
Nothing, nothing ♪
Morning, Julie.
Last night was a triumph.
Amazing. What was?
You are looking at the new
treasurer of our Rotary Club.
Oh, right. I thought you were
gonna tell me summat exciting.
Yeah, but keep it on the QT.
It hasn't been
officially announced yet.
Yeah. Don't you worry.
I won't be telling anyone.
Oh, Sandy Cooper will probably
be popping round later
with the float
and a chequebook,
so keep an eye out for him, eh?
Here
Treat yourself
to some new teabags.
All right. Thank you.
Lads, lads, lads
What are you doing?
I don't pay you to stand around
looking gormless.
Gary.
Huh?
Oh, she doesn't want anything.
We are not running
a drop-in centre,
for Christ's sake, Gary.
Everyone's a buyer.
I've told you -
look for the signals.
What are the signals?
Dunno.
HE GROANS
If you want a job doing
Hi.
Martin. Martin Parker.
This little beauty
is our best-seller.
A classy bit of kit
for a classy lady.
Now, it comes with a remote,
twin decks, graphic equaliser.
But bugger all that.
You're the type of lady
who wants to charm a gentleman
by candlelight,
a bottle of Mateus Rose
chilling in the fridge
and some soft music gently
playing in the background.
Am I right?
HE CHUCKLES
Gary
Nip upstairs to the office
and get the Sade.
This young lady
wants to seduce someone.
HE CHUCKLES
Diane's gonna be here
in a minute.
Am I doing the right thing,
Glad?
Of course you are, love.
You can't go to the bank
in your tabard.
I don't know who to trust
any more. Well, you can trust me.
I've always had an eye
for fashion.
I saw her kissing Martin
last night.
Who was?
Diane.
Oh, well, he is her husband.
So? She swore blind to me
that she hated him.
Oh, fuck 'em both.
You need to start looking out
for Kath Pennington
DOOR OPENS
my darling.
You don't owe that couple anything
I'm incognito.
I wish you bloody were.
Wow.
So, how was your night?
Oh, you know
Very uneventful.
Right.
How was Martin?
Why would you ask me that?
I hardly saw him.
I didn't speak to him.
I hardly saw him.
So, did you get hold
of the paperwork? Yeah.
In and out.
What about you?
Same. Really?
What's in that? Power suit.
We need to look the part.
And you can't go like that.
Like what?
Like that. You look like
you're touting for business,
not taking one over.
Huh!
Even with the leather bolero?
Especially
with the leather bolero, Kath.
Well, I like the leather.
All right, all right,
that's me.
Right, you ready?
Just stick Martin's signature
on there.
It's amazing. Spot on.
Look.
Mmm. Oh, you have got a talent
there, lady.
Done it loads of times.
And yours.
Have you?
I'm not wearing that!
What do you mean?
It's Jaeger, that. Wool twill.
You're forgetting
You're older than me, Diane.
Oh, grow up.
You're not the boss of me!
Get it on.
Right.
So, Nicky, that is the golden
package for your warranty.
And I've thrown a couple
of blank tapes in, too,
so you can record
the top 40.
Gary, can you help the lady
to the bus stop with this?
All right, Sandy,
let's go up to the office.
You know where it is.
How are you doing?
Not too bad, thank you.
You won't regret this.
Oh, I've got so many big ideas.
I've been up all night.
Oh, you can take that with you.
Give it to Vinnie.
Think it'll take more than a fax
machine to bring Vinnie round.
You what? Oh, listen, have you
got the float with you?
Can't wait
to get my hands dirty.
No. No, I haven't.
This is awkward. Um
The thing is,
we're retracting the offer.
I'm afraid you're not going
to be our new treasurer.
What's that, now?
It's going to Des Clarkson.
Des Clarkson, the pie man?
Your brother-in-law?
That Des Clarkson?
Well, that's a bloody swizz.
How's that happened?
He's as bent as they come.
Look, to be honest with you, Martin
And his pies aren't anything
to write home about either.
We know about
your money problems,
and we can't have it reflecting
badly on the Rotary.
Whose money problems?
I haven't got
any money problems.
What are you talking about?
Diane's told Vinnie everything.
No. Diane had four bottles
of wine.
She was three sheets
to the wind.
She was doing the lambada
with a standard lamp,
for Christ's sake!
She doesn't know anything.
What have I told you
about knocking?!
Oh, um,
there's a bloke downstairs.
Says you promised him
two SodaStreams on t'bus.
Get out! Hey, come on, now.
That's no way to speak
to a lady.
Oh, I don't believe this.
I think you need help, Martin.
Oh, why?
Have you got a spare 1,200?
No, I didn't think so.
You promised me that gig.
You are full of shit.
My dad warned me
your family were full of it.
I think it's best if I go.
Hmm. And nobody likes
your conservatory either!
No, it's just a greenhouse
with chairs!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Julie! Julie! What?
Get me Alan on the phone.
Jesus! The accountant!
Tell him I need to speak to him urgently.
KATH SIGHS
Oh, now, that is fabulous.
It's not you, that. Awful.
It's not me at all.
I'm going to have to
zhoosh it up a little bit.
Add a little bit of Kath.
But I'm not really sure
who Kath is any more.
Have you told her you
found out who the Slaters are?
Oh, guess what?
You found out who the Slaters are.
You're not gonna believe this.
They're just a gang of kids.
Actual kids.
Kids? How old?
Little lad. About ten.
Martin shitting his pants
about a bunch
of little Bugsy Malones.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why would he be frightened
of a bunch of kids?
They're scallies. They've got
him selling drugs. Obvious.
Is it obvious?
It's obvious to me. Dad reckons
Dad? I took him last night.
I thought you knew.
No, I did not know.
Why the hell did you take Dad?
Cos you told me
to pick him up. It's fine.
He stayed outside anyway.
Oh, I am not feeling this.
Very frumpy.
I look like Meat Loaf.
I've never been to
a business meeting. Have you?
Oh, yeah.
They used to let me do the teas
for the committee meeting
at the Labour Club.
Oh, I was too old
for Women's Lib.
I was in my 50s
when they started burning bras.
By then, I needed
all the support I could get.
I'm telling you now, Kath,
you go in that meeting
and take no prisoners.
Think more like
Billy Big Bollocks.
Be more Martin.
You've got to
look after yourself now.
COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE
What are you doing that for?
Doesn't t'charity
count that up?
Well, I'm saving them a job.
Did you get hold of Alan?
No, won't connect.
Did you leave a message?
How? Won't connect.
What?
Go on, then. How much?
So far
£11
54 and a half p,
two fruit pastels
and a used plaster.
Ugh!
Them poor little blind dogs.
Well, thank you, Julie!
I've lost my bastard place now!
Blind dogs!
One, two
COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE
What's all this about?
I'm all out of laxatives.
Malcolm bunged up again? No.
I've switched the laxatives
for Kath's bag of pills.
The ones from Martin's kettle.
What have you done that for?
Cos there's big money
in this, Gladys.
Oh. Huge.
Shit has proper hit the fan, lads.
We had a lot of unhappy
customers last night.
What was in that kettle?
Shift over!
URGENT PLOPPING
What we gave 'em
was not ecstasy.
Yeah.
He set us up, the helmet.
You what? Martin?
Some oldie.
I think he works for him.
Proper snide.
And some old bird.
Calls herself "the cleaner".
I think Parker is more
dangerous than we thought.
Yeah. Old fella cornered me,
held a blade to me throat.
Then he said me and my brothers
are gonna get it.
You what?
Yeah. Cheeky bastard.
Did he hurt you?
I roundhoused him -
in the goolies.
I had to. He were trying
to nick my wheels.
What's Parker playing at?
He's got till six tomorrow
to get us the money.
Come on. He needs to know
that we're not messing.
Don't trust banks, me.
I've never even had
a bank account.
Why not?
Never had any money. Fair enough.
BOTH LAUGH
I don't know why I'm laughing.
I think it's nerves.
I hear you. My arse has been
flapping all morning.
Kath! It has!
Who are we fooling, Di?
What are we doing?
No-one ever takes me seriously.
Seriously, they're going
to laugh us out of there.
Oh, come on.
What else are we going to do?
Let him walk all over us
and leave us with nothing?
Well, me with nothing.
You've already got nothing.
But you know what I mean.
Oh, cheers.
Come on. This is it.
The only way we can get
our own back on that man
is to take away
the thing he loves most.
And I'm sorry,
but that is not you or me.
It's his business.
So come on, let's do this.
Let's take that away from him.
Come on, Kath. Come on.
All right.
How d'you walk so fast
in heels?
I'm a determined woman, Kath.
You're a machine. Thank you.
Have we got time
for a quick ciggie?
DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY
What's going on, Alan?
You can't come in.
Hey? I'm leaving shortly.
I've got an appointment.
Who with?
None of your business.
You fired me.
Yeah, well, I'm un-firing you.
You're un-fired.
I didn't mean it, Alan.
I need you.
It's not my problem.
You'll need to sort out
your own mess.
Oh, come on, mate!
Help us out, will you?
The Slaters are moving in
on me family.
And now Sandy bastard Cooper
has screwed me over,
thanks to Diane.
You've got to help me, mate.
I'm a dead man walking here
unless I can come up
with the remaining 1,200 quid.
Did you speak to the bank?
You need to go to the bank
and speak to them for yourself.
Hey.
I do not work for Parker's
any more.
And to be honest,
I'm surprised you still do.
Alan, are you
getting in this bath or what?
I know this might sound
a bit weird, but
these last few days,
I've never felt so alive.
I always thought I was content
with the life I had with Martin.
Actually
there's something
I need to tell you.
I think it's really important
that we're honest with
each other, you know? Yeah, course.
SHE WHIMPERS
I slept with Martin
in the office.
Kettle day. I knew you had.
I said you had.
Your nostrils were flaring.
Didn't I say you had? After
everything we've been through!
I was doing it for us.
Hark at Mother Teresa here!
You'd do the same for me.
Wouldn't you?
Diane? Would Would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Yes. All right.
I did do the same.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Trust me?
What are you getting at me for?
It's him
that's putting it about!
He's a prick, and you know it!
And what about
what he did to Dad?
He put our dad in hospital.
Hmm. I still feel a bit guilty
about that, actually.
Been lying through his arse,
promising you children
all these years.
And now it's too late
for you and your ovaries.
You should be livid.
I'm livid.
Are you not livid with him?
Yes, I'm a little bit livid.
A little bit livid?
How dare he!
Sod him. Sod him!
We don't need him
gaslamping us any more.
We don't need him.
Well, maybe I do need him.
Maybe I don't like being
single. It's all right for you.
You've got your kids to look
after you. Who have I got?
Who's going to look after me?
Me.
You don't even like me.
I don't mind you.
In fact, you're growing on me.
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
Come on. We're in charge now.
We can do what we want.
What do you want, Kath?
What would make you happy?
I suppose
maybe get out of Gladys's,
get me own place, pay me
own rent, get a bank account.
Learn how to cook
a chilli con carne.
What's a chilli con carne
got to do with anything?
Everything, Diane.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Yeah!
Let's kick these
bastard doors down.
Not in these shoes, I won't.
They're Italian leather.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah, ah
Where have all the good men gone? ♪
Oh, hi, Lee. Hiya.
Did you ever get to Paris?
For Pudsey? On your bike?
Oh, probably. I don't give
a shit, to be honest.
Hmm.
You being seen to? Yes. Yes, we've
got an appointment.
Parker's Electricals.
Four o'clock.
Yeah. Good luck with it. Thanks.
What the hell was that?
What? I was trying to think
what Martin would do,
like Gladys said.
I am telling you now
that Martin would not be
slapping a man's arse.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, what now?
Hello.
All right, Martin?
How are you getting on
getting hold of my money?
I am literally outside the bank now.
Oh, we wondered where you were.
You're not at home.
We've checked every room.
What? You're in my house?
Get out. Get out now!
I'm warning you.
I've got to tell you, Parker,
this is the poshest room
I've ever had the pleasure
of curling one out in,
I'll give you that.
Our Neil's downstairs
eating your cheese.
I said you wouldn't mind.
He's never seen so much cheese.
You need to get out
of my house now!
I got you all wrong, didn't I?
Here's me thinking you were
just a desperate old man.
Turns out you're a bit of
a shady bastard, aren't you?
Clock's ticking, Parker. Yes!
I know it's bloody ticking!
Just piss off, will you?
Just get out of my house
and piss the piss off,
the lot of you!
Don't you dare
fucking hang up on me!
So, as you can see,
it's all been a bit of a pickle.
Pickle? It's been an absolute
shitstorm, Travis.
I know where I'm going.
It certainly sounds like it.
You will not believe what I
have been put through, Travis.
We've. We've.
Get Travis here now!
Is that Martin?
My God, that's him.
What's he doing here?
You go. You go. No, no, no, no.
I'll go. I'll go. You stay here
and sort this out and you can
..do me.
Chop chop, Travis.
KATH WHIMPERS
No, no, no. I will not move
until I speak to the manager.
He's been talking
to my accountant,
Alan "Turncoat" Hitchley, and I
need to know what's been said,
so I'll ask you again.
You bring me Travis or
Sorry about that, Travis.
It's quite simple!
I thought I saw a mouse,
but it's just your brogue.
Get on, love! Get a move on!
Mind me fingers.
Tell Travis it's a matter
of life and death.
Death probably.
What the hell
are you doing here?
What are you doing?
Making a show of yourself,
shouting the odds like a fishwife?
I wasn't shouting.
I just need to see the manager.
Martin Parker.
Parker's Electricals.
I've banked here
nigh on 30 years,
put a lot of money
through those doors,
and now I need
a bit of support
there's no bugger here.
Shower of shits, the lot of you!
Martin, stop this right now!
I wish I bloody could, Di!
Everything's ready to sign. Shh!
You still haven't told me
what you're doing here.
Checking up on me, are you?
Oh, don't fucking flatter yourself.
Oh, here she is.
The real Diane coming out
now with her potty mouth.
What did you tell Vinnie?
You've been acting weird
for the last few days,
and don't blag me with all
that pissing "change" nonsense.
It's all in your head.
You're just nuts!
Martin, please.
Just mental in the head!
Like father, like daughter!
Leave her alone.
Kath
Look who it is, Di.
It's your Kath!
Hey? We haven't seen you
for years.
How long has it been now, Di?
Eh?
Wow-ooh, looking good.
Cut the crap, Martin.
You shagged her Wednesday.
CUSTOMERS MURMUR
You all right? Yeah.
What's going on?
We know everything. Everything.
The affair. The snip.
The loans, the debts,
the Slaters.
And now you're drug-running
for a gang of little children.
I can explain it all.
I just need to speak
to the manager.
It's important business stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
Oh, we understand.
And it's too late, Martin.
We're in charge now.
We've taken the business from you.
What do you mean? How?
No, you can't do that.
Turns out we're shareholders,
and we've done what's called
an aggressive takeover.
No. You two done this together?
As if!
Alan told us what we needed
to do, but, yeah, we did.
We did it together.
Alan That traitor Judas bastard.
I'll clobber him.
Like you did with Dad.
He came at me!
Stop it, Martin.
Just Just stop it.
No, it's all a big mistake!
It's over, Martin.
Oh, and
I want a divorce.
And so does she.
Ish.
Are you the "top deal" man?
Oh, fuck off!
Pathetic.
Pathetic? I wasn't pathetic
when you were on the bones
of your arse
and I saved you both. Huh?
Gave you a better life.
You two have been
sponging off me for years,
and have I ever
complained once? No!
I just kept giving you
what you want, both of you!
So I fell in love with the
wrong woman - sue me!
Oh, I will. Watch me.
You've got this all wrong.
You got to tell 'em
it's a mistake.
You don't know
what you're getting into!
You will regret this.
I promise you!
All right, mate.
I know how to leave a building.
DOOR THUDS
Bastard!
Shit
DIANE EXHALES
Oh, my God. What the frigging
hell just happened?
We did it.
I am shaking
like a shitting duck.
What a rush!
BOTH LAUGH
You forgot your paperwork,
Miss Pennington. Cheers, Trav.
Look at us, eh?
A couple of
high-flying businesswomen.
Well, you are.
Business is all yours, Diane.
Signed all the paperwork
over to you.
What? Why?
Told you. It's never been
about money for me.
I don't want to run Parker's.
That won't make me happy.
I love my little job.
Oh!
Get off
You'll get blusher
all over me leather bolero.
Bloody hell, Di. Trowelled it on!
You look fab.
Oh, hang on.
Here you are.
Me lucky pebble.
It's been good to me, that.
Has it, Kath?
Yeah. I'll be fine.
I'm a strong,
independent woman.
Oh, and Bev's going
to sell that bag of pills.
Worth a bomb.
So, you know
Promised me she'd go halfsies.
Go on. Pop it in your bra.
This isn't a youth club.
Just go home.
Come on, everybody out.
We're closing.
Get out quick.
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
What am I supposed to do?
Because my Darren's not
picking me up till half past.
Just get out, Julie.
He's got the work van tonight.
He's doing
a bit of moonlighting.
Just bleeding Gary's nan's
radiator for her.
Julie, I don't care.
Just get out and lock the door.
Parker! You Tory bastard.
Oh, not now, Dougie.
Piss off. We're closed.
A bread knife? What are you going to
do? Make me sandwiches?
Might.
Go on, then.
Put me out of me misery.
I've just traipsed up
from the bus station.
I'm jiggered.
Dougie, you can't stay here.
You'd best be gone. Otherwise
they'll have you, too.
Who? A nasty group of people.
They've got me by the bollocks.
I owe them money.
I can't pay it.
And they're going to kill me.
Smashing! Couldn't happen
to a nicer fella.
Kath and Diane
have taken over the business.
My girls? You're joking?
Little do they know
there's fuck-all to take.
I'm worth more dead.
We live in hope!
You've no control
over who you fall in love with.
Oh, bollocks.
I love a bit of gammon, me,
but I can't have it, because
it gives me terrible heartburn.
So I give it a wide berth.
You've no self-control, man.
If my dad were here,
he'd be ashamed of me.
I tried to fill his shoes
and I've failed.
I'm no good to anyone.
Everybody would be
better off without me.
Shut up a minute, will you?
How do you turn this up?
..Make her last public speech
as Prime Minister.
Not Maggie as well.
Halle-bloody-lujah!
End of an era, eh, Martin?
Do you know, I came up here
with a blunt bread knife
to ruin you tonight!
But ha, you beat me to it!
You shot yourself in the foot, Martin.
Ta-ra!
A great night! Great night!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
Out, out, out!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
Out, out, out!
KEYS CLATTER
And all the flowers.
Now it's time
for a new chapter to open.
Shout, shout, let it all out ♪
He said he'd be here.
Yeah. I told you he was sly.
You two, check round the back.
I'm gonna kill him.
..Shout, shout, let it
all out ♪
BANGING
..These are the things I can
do without ♪
BANGING CONTINUES
..Come on
I'm talking to you
Come on ♪
CLANG, ALARM RINGS
MUFFLED SHOUTING
..In violent times
You shouldn't have to
sell your soul
In black and white ♪
Don't look at me, Dad.
..They really, really ought
to know
Those one-track minds
That took you from
a working boy ♪
Right, upstairs now!
Tom, Alison, get in here.
I've got something to tell you.
..You shouldn't have to
jump for joy ♪
ALARM CONTINUES
Parker, you shady bastard!
Get out here now!
Come on, Parker!
My dad wants his money!
Fuck
Lads! Fire!
Fire! Run!
..Come on, shout
Shout, let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on! ♪
Hi. I'm Diane Parker,
and welcome to
Parker's Power and Electrical.
We're not just
any electrical superstore.
We're YOUR electrical superstore.
Feeling peckish? Breville toasters -
just 24.99.
What an offer!
And how about a camcorder
to capture all those
happy family memories?
Just £499.
Top deal!
And why not treat yourself
to a state-of-the-art
vacuum cleaner?
So easy to handle,
even he could use it!
From as little as 73 quid.
No joke!
Cheapest prices
this side of the Pennines.
That's the power of Parker.
That's the power of Parker! ♪
DOORBELL RINGS
Lucky Panda. Banquet for two?
Love Will Tear Us Apart
by Joy Division
I've missed you.
Love
Love will tear us apart again
Love
Love will tear us apart again ♪
Six grand. Friday.
Drugs?! No! Needs dropping off
by tomorrow.
You slept with him, didn't you?
I can see it in your eyes.
I didn't. I wouldn't do that
to you. I wouldn't.
You've both been named
as shareholders.
You could force him out.
You'd own Parker's outright.
Tonight's all about us getting
you that treasurer's gig,
you winning over Vinnie.
Let me tell you about Martin.
Good morning, Mrs Treasurer.
I bet you're delicate.
You were dynamite last night.
Vinnie loves you.
I'll watch you crumble ♪
Everything is going to be OK.
..Like a very old wall, ooh
And I'll see you stranded, yeah
You took me for a fool, ooh
I'll have my revenge, ooh
Yeah
Cos I owe you nothing
Nothing at all
I owe you nothing, ooh
Nothing at all ♪
Ah. Vitamin C - good for you.
Morning.
..I owe you nothing ♪
Morning!
..Nothing at all
Nothing, nothing ♪
Morning, Julie.
Last night was a triumph.
Amazing. What was?
You are looking at the new
treasurer of our Rotary Club.
Oh, right. I thought you were
gonna tell me summat exciting.
Yeah, but keep it on the QT.
It hasn't been
officially announced yet.
Yeah. Don't you worry.
I won't be telling anyone.
Oh, Sandy Cooper will probably
be popping round later
with the float
and a chequebook,
so keep an eye out for him, eh?
Here
Treat yourself
to some new teabags.
All right. Thank you.
Lads, lads, lads
What are you doing?
I don't pay you to stand around
looking gormless.
Gary.
Huh?
Oh, she doesn't want anything.
We are not running
a drop-in centre,
for Christ's sake, Gary.
Everyone's a buyer.
I've told you -
look for the signals.
What are the signals?
Dunno.
HE GROANS
If you want a job doing
Hi.
Martin. Martin Parker.
This little beauty
is our best-seller.
A classy bit of kit
for a classy lady.
Now, it comes with a remote,
twin decks, graphic equaliser.
But bugger all that.
You're the type of lady
who wants to charm a gentleman
by candlelight,
a bottle of Mateus Rose
chilling in the fridge
and some soft music gently
playing in the background.
Am I right?
HE CHUCKLES
Gary
Nip upstairs to the office
and get the Sade.
This young lady
wants to seduce someone.
HE CHUCKLES
Diane's gonna be here
in a minute.
Am I doing the right thing,
Glad?
Of course you are, love.
You can't go to the bank
in your tabard.
I don't know who to trust
any more. Well, you can trust me.
I've always had an eye
for fashion.
I saw her kissing Martin
last night.
Who was?
Diane.
Oh, well, he is her husband.
So? She swore blind to me
that she hated him.
Oh, fuck 'em both.
You need to start looking out
for Kath Pennington
DOOR OPENS
my darling.
You don't owe that couple anything
I'm incognito.
I wish you bloody were.
Wow.
So, how was your night?
Oh, you know
Very uneventful.
Right.
How was Martin?
Why would you ask me that?
I hardly saw him.
I didn't speak to him.
I hardly saw him.
So, did you get hold
of the paperwork? Yeah.
In and out.
What about you?
Same. Really?
What's in that? Power suit.
We need to look the part.
And you can't go like that.
Like what?
Like that. You look like
you're touting for business,
not taking one over.
Huh!
Even with the leather bolero?
Especially
with the leather bolero, Kath.
Well, I like the leather.
All right, all right,
that's me.
Right, you ready?
Just stick Martin's signature
on there.
It's amazing. Spot on.
Look.
Mmm. Oh, you have got a talent
there, lady.
Done it loads of times.
And yours.
Have you?
I'm not wearing that!
What do you mean?
It's Jaeger, that. Wool twill.
You're forgetting
You're older than me, Diane.
Oh, grow up.
You're not the boss of me!
Get it on.
Right.
So, Nicky, that is the golden
package for your warranty.
And I've thrown a couple
of blank tapes in, too,
so you can record
the top 40.
Gary, can you help the lady
to the bus stop with this?
All right, Sandy,
let's go up to the office.
You know where it is.
How are you doing?
Not too bad, thank you.
You won't regret this.
Oh, I've got so many big ideas.
I've been up all night.
Oh, you can take that with you.
Give it to Vinnie.
Think it'll take more than a fax
machine to bring Vinnie round.
You what? Oh, listen, have you
got the float with you?
Can't wait
to get my hands dirty.
No. No, I haven't.
This is awkward. Um
The thing is,
we're retracting the offer.
I'm afraid you're not going
to be our new treasurer.
What's that, now?
It's going to Des Clarkson.
Des Clarkson, the pie man?
Your brother-in-law?
That Des Clarkson?
Well, that's a bloody swizz.
How's that happened?
He's as bent as they come.
Look, to be honest with you, Martin
And his pies aren't anything
to write home about either.
We know about
your money problems,
and we can't have it reflecting
badly on the Rotary.
Whose money problems?
I haven't got
any money problems.
What are you talking about?
Diane's told Vinnie everything.
No. Diane had four bottles
of wine.
She was three sheets
to the wind.
She was doing the lambada
with a standard lamp,
for Christ's sake!
She doesn't know anything.
What have I told you
about knocking?!
Oh, um,
there's a bloke downstairs.
Says you promised him
two SodaStreams on t'bus.
Get out! Hey, come on, now.
That's no way to speak
to a lady.
Oh, I don't believe this.
I think you need help, Martin.
Oh, why?
Have you got a spare 1,200?
No, I didn't think so.
You promised me that gig.
You are full of shit.
My dad warned me
your family were full of it.
I think it's best if I go.
Hmm. And nobody likes
your conservatory either!
No, it's just a greenhouse
with chairs!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Julie! Julie! What?
Get me Alan on the phone.
Jesus! The accountant!
Tell him I need to speak to him urgently.
KATH SIGHS
Oh, now, that is fabulous.
It's not you, that. Awful.
It's not me at all.
I'm going to have to
zhoosh it up a little bit.
Add a little bit of Kath.
But I'm not really sure
who Kath is any more.
Have you told her you
found out who the Slaters are?
Oh, guess what?
You found out who the Slaters are.
You're not gonna believe this.
They're just a gang of kids.
Actual kids.
Kids? How old?
Little lad. About ten.
Martin shitting his pants
about a bunch
of little Bugsy Malones.
That doesn't make any sense.
Why would he be frightened
of a bunch of kids?
They're scallies. They've got
him selling drugs. Obvious.
Is it obvious?
It's obvious to me. Dad reckons
Dad? I took him last night.
I thought you knew.
No, I did not know.
Why the hell did you take Dad?
Cos you told me
to pick him up. It's fine.
He stayed outside anyway.
Oh, I am not feeling this.
Very frumpy.
I look like Meat Loaf.
I've never been to
a business meeting. Have you?
Oh, yeah.
They used to let me do the teas
for the committee meeting
at the Labour Club.
Oh, I was too old
for Women's Lib.
I was in my 50s
when they started burning bras.
By then, I needed
all the support I could get.
I'm telling you now, Kath,
you go in that meeting
and take no prisoners.
Think more like
Billy Big Bollocks.
Be more Martin.
You've got to
look after yourself now.
COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE
What are you doing that for?
Doesn't t'charity
count that up?
Well, I'm saving them a job.
Did you get hold of Alan?
No, won't connect.
Did you leave a message?
How? Won't connect.
What?
Go on, then. How much?
So far
£11
54 and a half p,
two fruit pastels
and a used plaster.
Ugh!
Them poor little blind dogs.
Well, thank you, Julie!
I've lost my bastard place now!
Blind dogs!
One, two
COINS SLIDE AND RATTLE
What's all this about?
I'm all out of laxatives.
Malcolm bunged up again? No.
I've switched the laxatives
for Kath's bag of pills.
The ones from Martin's kettle.
What have you done that for?
Cos there's big money
in this, Gladys.
Oh. Huge.
Shit has proper hit the fan, lads.
We had a lot of unhappy
customers last night.
What was in that kettle?
Shift over!
URGENT PLOPPING
What we gave 'em
was not ecstasy.
Yeah.
He set us up, the helmet.
You what? Martin?
Some oldie.
I think he works for him.
Proper snide.
And some old bird.
Calls herself "the cleaner".
I think Parker is more
dangerous than we thought.
Yeah. Old fella cornered me,
held a blade to me throat.
Then he said me and my brothers
are gonna get it.
You what?
Yeah. Cheeky bastard.
Did he hurt you?
I roundhoused him -
in the goolies.
I had to. He were trying
to nick my wheels.
What's Parker playing at?
He's got till six tomorrow
to get us the money.
Come on. He needs to know
that we're not messing.
Don't trust banks, me.
I've never even had
a bank account.
Why not?
Never had any money. Fair enough.
BOTH LAUGH
I don't know why I'm laughing.
I think it's nerves.
I hear you. My arse has been
flapping all morning.
Kath! It has!
Who are we fooling, Di?
What are we doing?
No-one ever takes me seriously.
Seriously, they're going
to laugh us out of there.
Oh, come on.
What else are we going to do?
Let him walk all over us
and leave us with nothing?
Well, me with nothing.
You've already got nothing.
But you know what I mean.
Oh, cheers.
Come on. This is it.
The only way we can get
our own back on that man
is to take away
the thing he loves most.
And I'm sorry,
but that is not you or me.
It's his business.
So come on, let's do this.
Let's take that away from him.
Come on, Kath. Come on.
All right.
How d'you walk so fast
in heels?
I'm a determined woman, Kath.
You're a machine. Thank you.
Have we got time
for a quick ciggie?
DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY
What's going on, Alan?
You can't come in.
Hey? I'm leaving shortly.
I've got an appointment.
Who with?
None of your business.
You fired me.
Yeah, well, I'm un-firing you.
You're un-fired.
I didn't mean it, Alan.
I need you.
It's not my problem.
You'll need to sort out
your own mess.
Oh, come on, mate!
Help us out, will you?
The Slaters are moving in
on me family.
And now Sandy bastard Cooper
has screwed me over,
thanks to Diane.
You've got to help me, mate.
I'm a dead man walking here
unless I can come up
with the remaining 1,200 quid.
Did you speak to the bank?
You need to go to the bank
and speak to them for yourself.
Hey.
I do not work for Parker's
any more.
And to be honest,
I'm surprised you still do.
Alan, are you
getting in this bath or what?
I know this might sound
a bit weird, but
these last few days,
I've never felt so alive.
I always thought I was content
with the life I had with Martin.
Actually
there's something
I need to tell you.
I think it's really important
that we're honest with
each other, you know? Yeah, course.
SHE WHIMPERS
I slept with Martin
in the office.
Kettle day. I knew you had.
I said you had.
Your nostrils were flaring.
Didn't I say you had? After
everything we've been through!
I was doing it for us.
Hark at Mother Teresa here!
You'd do the same for me.
Wouldn't you?
Diane? Would Would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Would you?
Yes. All right.
I did do the same.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Trust me?
What are you getting at me for?
It's him
that's putting it about!
He's a prick, and you know it!
And what about
what he did to Dad?
He put our dad in hospital.
Hmm. I still feel a bit guilty
about that, actually.
Been lying through his arse,
promising you children
all these years.
And now it's too late
for you and your ovaries.
You should be livid.
I'm livid.
Are you not livid with him?
Yes, I'm a little bit livid.
A little bit livid?
How dare he!
Sod him. Sod him!
We don't need him
gaslamping us any more.
We don't need him.
Well, maybe I do need him.
Maybe I don't like being
single. It's all right for you.
You've got your kids to look
after you. Who have I got?
Who's going to look after me?
Me.
You don't even like me.
I don't mind you.
In fact, you're growing on me.
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
Come on. We're in charge now.
We can do what we want.
What do you want, Kath?
What would make you happy?
I suppose
maybe get out of Gladys's,
get me own place, pay me
own rent, get a bank account.
Learn how to cook
a chilli con carne.
What's a chilli con carne
got to do with anything?
Everything, Diane.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Yeah!
Let's kick these
bastard doors down.
Not in these shoes, I won't.
They're Italian leather.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah, ah
Where have all the good men gone? ♪
Oh, hi, Lee. Hiya.
Did you ever get to Paris?
For Pudsey? On your bike?
Oh, probably. I don't give
a shit, to be honest.
Hmm.
You being seen to? Yes. Yes, we've
got an appointment.
Parker's Electricals.
Four o'clock.
Yeah. Good luck with it. Thanks.
What the hell was that?
What? I was trying to think
what Martin would do,
like Gladys said.
I am telling you now
that Martin would not be
slapping a man's arse.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, what now?
Hello.
All right, Martin?
How are you getting on
getting hold of my money?
I am literally outside the bank now.
Oh, we wondered where you were.
You're not at home.
We've checked every room.
What? You're in my house?
Get out. Get out now!
I'm warning you.
I've got to tell you, Parker,
this is the poshest room
I've ever had the pleasure
of curling one out in,
I'll give you that.
Our Neil's downstairs
eating your cheese.
I said you wouldn't mind.
He's never seen so much cheese.
You need to get out
of my house now!
I got you all wrong, didn't I?
Here's me thinking you were
just a desperate old man.
Turns out you're a bit of
a shady bastard, aren't you?
Clock's ticking, Parker. Yes!
I know it's bloody ticking!
Just piss off, will you?
Just get out of my house
and piss the piss off,
the lot of you!
Don't you dare
fucking hang up on me!
So, as you can see,
it's all been a bit of a pickle.
Pickle? It's been an absolute
shitstorm, Travis.
I know where I'm going.
It certainly sounds like it.
You will not believe what I
have been put through, Travis.
We've. We've.
Get Travis here now!
Is that Martin?
My God, that's him.
What's he doing here?
You go. You go. No, no, no, no.
I'll go. I'll go. You stay here
and sort this out and you can
..do me.
Chop chop, Travis.
KATH WHIMPERS
No, no, no. I will not move
until I speak to the manager.
He's been talking
to my accountant,
Alan "Turncoat" Hitchley, and I
need to know what's been said,
so I'll ask you again.
You bring me Travis or
Sorry about that, Travis.
It's quite simple!
I thought I saw a mouse,
but it's just your brogue.
Get on, love! Get a move on!
Mind me fingers.
Tell Travis it's a matter
of life and death.
Death probably.
What the hell
are you doing here?
What are you doing?
Making a show of yourself,
shouting the odds like a fishwife?
I wasn't shouting.
I just need to see the manager.
Martin Parker.
Parker's Electricals.
I've banked here
nigh on 30 years,
put a lot of money
through those doors,
and now I need
a bit of support
there's no bugger here.
Shower of shits, the lot of you!
Martin, stop this right now!
I wish I bloody could, Di!
Everything's ready to sign. Shh!
You still haven't told me
what you're doing here.
Checking up on me, are you?
Oh, don't fucking flatter yourself.
Oh, here she is.
The real Diane coming out
now with her potty mouth.
What did you tell Vinnie?
You've been acting weird
for the last few days,
and don't blag me with all
that pissing "change" nonsense.
It's all in your head.
You're just nuts!
Martin, please.
Just mental in the head!
Like father, like daughter!
Leave her alone.
Kath
Look who it is, Di.
It's your Kath!
Hey? We haven't seen you
for years.
How long has it been now, Di?
Eh?
Wow-ooh, looking good.
Cut the crap, Martin.
You shagged her Wednesday.
CUSTOMERS MURMUR
You all right? Yeah.
What's going on?
We know everything. Everything.
The affair. The snip.
The loans, the debts,
the Slaters.
And now you're drug-running
for a gang of little children.
I can explain it all.
I just need to speak
to the manager.
It's important business stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
Oh, we understand.
And it's too late, Martin.
We're in charge now.
We've taken the business from you.
What do you mean? How?
No, you can't do that.
Turns out we're shareholders,
and we've done what's called
an aggressive takeover.
No. You two done this together?
As if!
Alan told us what we needed
to do, but, yeah, we did.
We did it together.
Alan That traitor Judas bastard.
I'll clobber him.
Like you did with Dad.
He came at me!
Stop it, Martin.
Just Just stop it.
No, it's all a big mistake!
It's over, Martin.
Oh, and
I want a divorce.
And so does she.
Ish.
Are you the "top deal" man?
Oh, fuck off!
Pathetic.
Pathetic? I wasn't pathetic
when you were on the bones
of your arse
and I saved you both. Huh?
Gave you a better life.
You two have been
sponging off me for years,
and have I ever
complained once? No!
I just kept giving you
what you want, both of you!
So I fell in love with the
wrong woman - sue me!
Oh, I will. Watch me.
You've got this all wrong.
You got to tell 'em
it's a mistake.
You don't know
what you're getting into!
You will regret this.
I promise you!
All right, mate.
I know how to leave a building.
DOOR THUDS
Bastard!
Shit
DIANE EXHALES
Oh, my God. What the frigging
hell just happened?
We did it.
I am shaking
like a shitting duck.
What a rush!
BOTH LAUGH
You forgot your paperwork,
Miss Pennington. Cheers, Trav.
Look at us, eh?
A couple of
high-flying businesswomen.
Well, you are.
Business is all yours, Diane.
Signed all the paperwork
over to you.
What? Why?
Told you. It's never been
about money for me.
I don't want to run Parker's.
That won't make me happy.
I love my little job.
Oh!
Get off
You'll get blusher
all over me leather bolero.
Bloody hell, Di. Trowelled it on!
You look fab.
Oh, hang on.
Here you are.
Me lucky pebble.
It's been good to me, that.
Has it, Kath?
Yeah. I'll be fine.
I'm a strong,
independent woman.
Oh, and Bev's going
to sell that bag of pills.
Worth a bomb.
So, you know
Promised me she'd go halfsies.
Go on. Pop it in your bra.
This isn't a youth club.
Just go home.
Come on, everybody out.
We're closing.
Get out quick.
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
What am I supposed to do?
Because my Darren's not
picking me up till half past.
Just get out, Julie.
He's got the work van tonight.
He's doing
a bit of moonlighting.
Just bleeding Gary's nan's
radiator for her.
Julie, I don't care.
Just get out and lock the door.
Parker! You Tory bastard.
Oh, not now, Dougie.
Piss off. We're closed.
A bread knife? What are you going to
do? Make me sandwiches?
Might.
Go on, then.
Put me out of me misery.
I've just traipsed up
from the bus station.
I'm jiggered.
Dougie, you can't stay here.
You'd best be gone. Otherwise
they'll have you, too.
Who? A nasty group of people.
They've got me by the bollocks.
I owe them money.
I can't pay it.
And they're going to kill me.
Smashing! Couldn't happen
to a nicer fella.
Kath and Diane
have taken over the business.
My girls? You're joking?
Little do they know
there's fuck-all to take.
I'm worth more dead.
We live in hope!
You've no control
over who you fall in love with.
Oh, bollocks.
I love a bit of gammon, me,
but I can't have it, because
it gives me terrible heartburn.
So I give it a wide berth.
You've no self-control, man.
If my dad were here,
he'd be ashamed of me.
I tried to fill his shoes
and I've failed.
I'm no good to anyone.
Everybody would be
better off without me.
Shut up a minute, will you?
How do you turn this up?
..Make her last public speech
as Prime Minister.
Not Maggie as well.
Halle-bloody-lujah!
End of an era, eh, Martin?
Do you know, I came up here
with a blunt bread knife
to ruin you tonight!
But ha, you beat me to it!
You shot yourself in the foot, Martin.
Ta-ra!
A great night! Great night!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
Out, out, out!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!
Out, out, out!
KEYS CLATTER
And all the flowers.
Now it's time
for a new chapter to open.
Shout, shout, let it all out ♪
He said he'd be here.
Yeah. I told you he was sly.
You two, check round the back.
I'm gonna kill him.
..Shout, shout, let it
all out ♪
BANGING
..These are the things I can
do without ♪
BANGING CONTINUES
..Come on
I'm talking to you
Come on ♪
CLANG, ALARM RINGS
MUFFLED SHOUTING
..In violent times
You shouldn't have to
sell your soul
In black and white ♪
Don't look at me, Dad.
..They really, really ought
to know
Those one-track minds
That took you from
a working boy ♪
Right, upstairs now!
Tom, Alison, get in here.
I've got something to tell you.
..You shouldn't have to
jump for joy ♪
ALARM CONTINUES
Parker, you shady bastard!
Get out here now!
Come on, Parker!
My dad wants his money!
Fuck
Lads! Fire!
Fire! Run!
..Come on, shout
Shout, let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on! ♪
Hi. I'm Diane Parker,
and welcome to
Parker's Power and Electrical.
We're not just
any electrical superstore.
We're YOUR electrical superstore.
Feeling peckish? Breville toasters -
just 24.99.
What an offer!
And how about a camcorder
to capture all those
happy family memories?
Just £499.
Top deal!
And why not treat yourself
to a state-of-the-art
vacuum cleaner?
So easy to handle,
even he could use it!
From as little as 73 quid.
No joke!
Cheapest prices
this side of the Pennines.
That's the power of Parker.
That's the power of Parker! ♪
DOORBELL RINGS
Lucky Panda. Banquet for two?
Love Will Tear Us Apart
by Joy Division
I've missed you.
Love
Love will tear us apart again
Love
Love will tear us apart again ♪