The Reluctant Vampire (2026) s01e06 Episode Script

1
VIV THE INVISIBLE WOMAN:
Painting your portrait
doesn't mean they're planning
a big initiation.
There's a portrait of me
on the wall, and I'm invisible.
Yeah. That's a window.
Is it? Oh.
Anyway, I'm sure it's only a
small painting.
Oh!
HE CHUCKLES
What do you think?
Why did you want it that big?
That wasn't me. It was me.
I couldn't resist!
My boy,
you're only initiated once.
And you're you're sure
that this is all necessary?
You're the future King.
If you can't show off
at your initiation,
when can you show off?
It was at his initiation
that King Valkar
first demonstrated
the power of Zymonzes.
Still the only vampire
to master it.
The power of what?
The ability to control humans,
compelling them to obey
your every command.
Ha! I must dash.
I've got to go to the kitchen.
I am serving our guests
a Bloody Mary upon arrival.
HE CHUCKLES
How lovely.
Mary's not too happy about it,
but
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
To pass his initiation,
a vampire must stand
before his peers
and feed for the first time
from a human neck.
Easy enough for a vampire,
but how I get around that
as a human is a puzzle
we still haven't solved.
So why does Mum seem so happy?
Sorry, I forgot to say that
out loud.
Why do you seem so happy?
Because I've realised what to do!
I called on someone renowned
for making problems go away.
You don't mean
FUNKY JINGLE PLAYS
Siegfried Henge.
The Siegfried Henge.
Fixer par excellence.
World-renowned problem solver.
You name it -
he's the brains behind it.
Wooden horse at the siege
of Troy - his idea.
He started
the Great Fire of London
just to get a man out
of meeting his mother-in-law.
He even helped Moses
part the Red Sea.
A system of glass partitions.
It was nothing.
He's agreed to help us.
So I've put him up here,
out of the way.
Mr Henge deserves something
more salubrious
than a servant's room.
He hasn't even got a bed.
No need of one.
Siegfried Henge sleeps
on a bed of nails.
Sharp bed, sharp mind.
Fear not - Valeeta explained
your predicament.
Did you bring the plans
of the initiation room
and the list of guests?
Ah! I did.
Danke, Valeeta.
Ah, c'est wunderbar.
No, this should not be
too much troubles.
This time tomorrow,
I will have a plan.
I think you might enjoy.
HE CHUCKLES
Thank you, Mr Henge!
Thank you, Mr Henge.
Oh, isn't he wonderful?
OWL HOOTS
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with
S.
Is it sky?
Yeah, it is sky again.
Mmm. Hmm. Interesting.
I just find it interesting
that you didn't schedule
your initiation on a full moon.
I just find that interesting.
Oh, well, it was Dad.
You think I'm going to turn
into a wolf, don't you,
and do something embarrassing?
No, that never occurred
Cos, for your info,
that's all behind me now.
Hm. I've started working
with a life coach
who guarantees results.
He's turned
his whole life around.
Reckons he's never been happier.
And that's saying something
for a man who sleeps in his car.
Thanks to him, I've unlocked
my inner fierceness.
And I just think it's a shame
people won't get to see that,
but, mmm.
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with
M.
Man. Yep. Uh, hang on.
What, uh, what man?
Who's a man?
You. Wrong.
I'm a completely different
creature, so that's bull.
You're a bull?
No, not a bull.
I'm part man
Part bull. No, part wolf.
Part wolf, part bull.
No! Nothing to do with a bull.
Forget about the bull!
You're not being very clear.
Oh, dear. Oh, you're a deer now?
Part deer. Part bull.
This this is making me
This is making me!
Easy! Easy. Bear with us.
There's a bear with us?!
Part bear.
Part deer, part bull.
Right. I-I've got it.
I'm this close
This close to losing it.
And if you think I'm lying
I don't think you're lying.
Right. Oh. Good.
I think you're part lion.
Part bull. Part bear.
Part deer. Part wolf.
It'd be quicker
to just say "man".
I am not a man!
I'm not a man! Au revoir!
Ooooooh!
OWL HOOTS
Find the candles at once!
Yes, your highness.
Excellent -
you found the good goblets.
Vernon, stop sulking!
Make yourself useful.
Polish these. Go, go!
A reflection
Oh, not those ones, Victor.
We lent them to the ogre -
they still smell of fungus.
Oh, one crisp left.
Rock-paper-scissors?
Nose-badger-spoon.
No! The game - to decide
who gets the last one.
Oh, sorry. I thought
we were just naming things.
You're so weird sometimes.
Just don't really
play games.
Rock-paper-scissors -
it's a classic,
like Simon Says.
Why, what did he say? Who?
Simon. Th-There is no Simon.
Well, then,
how does he say anything?
He doesn't. It's the name.
You tell people to do things,
and if you say "Simon says",
they have to do it.
Raise your hands.
Ah, no.
Simon says raise your hand.
I can't believe
you've never played it.
Well, there's probably things
you've never done before.
I mean, how long have you
been coming to this lake?
All my life. Yeah?
Have you ever swam in it?
Oh, that's different.
There's things living
in there.
Eels and stuff.
I will do it - I just haven't
got round to it.
So get round to it.
You're all right. Thanks.
Simon says, "Get round to it."
SHE SCOFFS
I will if you will.
I will if you will.
All right. You're on! Tomorrow.
Tomorrow it is.
Can't wait. Same here.
HE HUMS HAPPILY
Thank you, little trumpet
HE PARPS
HE CHUCKLES
HE HUMS
Igon! Agh! Sorry! Have any guests
arrived for the initiation?
Not until tomorrow, sir.
Then why is there
an extra horse in my stables?
I wasn't aware there was, sir.
No-one's asked me
to make up a bed.
But the ledger says
that it belongs
to a Siegfried Henge.
The only Siegfried Henge I know
is the famous fixer, sir.
But he only helps people
in tricky situations.
No-one's in a tricky situation
here, sir.
Aren't they?
And what do we have here?
I believe that's a hairdryer
for tall, shaggy dogs, sir.
Or a cannon that fires
much smaller dogs, sir.
You believe wrong. This
is an old spotlight
from a theatre.
Have it fixed up for tomorrow.
It'd be nice for everyone
to see things clearly.
Enter!
Hi.
Um, have you had
a chance to to think?
When Siegfried Henge says
he will think,
Siegfried Henge thinks.
And this plan is going to be
exquisite.
It's possibly my finest ever.
You will enter from the south door
and take to the stage.
Then Tess here Hi.
Hi, Tess will pretend
to be your victim.
That is when Dale here Hi.
Hi, Dale.
..will lower the lights.
At that exact moment,
Paul here
Hello disguised as a guest,
will feign a choking fit.
HE COUGHS
It's a decoy!
At that exact moment, Lara here
Hi! ..will accidentally
set fire to a napkin,
creating a fog of smoke
that will allow Jeremy here
FLATLY: Hi grumpy Jeremy,
to take up a position
in the wings.
Now, this is the clever bit -
the crux of the whole plan.
Haven't told anyone this.
So this is literally
the only way
this can possibly work.
Ready?
SQUELCH!
Agh!
Ah, there you are. I know you
and your little gargoyle friends
think I'm the castle joke.
A figure of fun.
"Oh, what's he done this time?
Ha-ha."
Well, I know I'm a high achiever
who can be relied on
to do good things, so,
stare all you like,
but that is a fact!
Thank you!
That's it -
my one ray of hope snuffed out.
I'm about to lose
everything I care about.
What are you doing? Sewing.
HE SCOFFS
Of course you are.
I mean, I'm only about
to rip this family apart
by being exposed as a human,
but I'd hate for that
to get in the way of your hobby.
It helps me think.
Think?
It's over, Mum.
I'm about to be found out.
Unless
Would it be the worst thing
in the world
if you just
bit a human?
HE GASPS
Mother!
One little chomp.
I'm not a vampire.
There are certain things
that a human can't do.
Well, not with that attitude.
It's just mind over matter.
If you can convince yourself
you're a vampire,
then maybe you can find it
within yourself
to act like one.
It's just confidence.
I couldn't do that to someone.
It wouldn't even do
that much damage.
I mean, a bite from us,
and someone wakes up the next day
a vampire, but from you
Oh, we just whisk them off home
and they'll be back at work
the next morning.
HE GASPS
Then bite me.
What? It's so obvious.
If you bite me,
then I become a vampire.
A vampire that can bite a human,
that can
that can pass the initiation.
I wouldn't be found out!
Forget it, Valentine. Why?!
Because I'm your mother,
and I could have bitten you
at any time. So, why didn't you?
Because it's not who you are.
You didn't ask to be brought up
in this castle.
You didn't ask to be deprived
of friends,
of birthdays, of Christmases.
Yes, there are some things
that humans can't do.
But think of all the things
that you CAN.
I'm not going to be the one
to take that away from you.
Mum
Look at me.
I'm begging you.
When this initiation goes wrong,
and it will,
everyone will see
that I'm not a vampire,
and Dad - it'll break his heart.
He'll never recover from this.
And I won't be able
to to live with myself
knowing that I'm the cause of it.
Well, don't expect
a very big bite.
Thank you,
Mother.
Thank you.
Well, not now!
If I were you, I'd spend the
rest of the day tying up any
SHE INHALES DEEPLY
loose ends. Loose ends?
Once this happens,
there's no going back.
Certain humans
that you won't be able to see
again, once you're
Right.
Come here.
I'll see you tonight, Val.
So this is it -
my final day as a human.
My mum was spot on -
it wouldn't have been right
without savouring
for one final time
the rich tapestry of human life.
Not to mention the tastes.
HE SLURPS
Mm!
Thanks for this.
You're a great mum.
Oh, Val!
What a lovely thing to say!
And you're a great dad, John.
I know. Says so on this mug.
He's a great dad
who still hasn't fixed
the locks on the front door.
I said I'll do it! Right.
Oh! Anyone would think
it was your last supper.
Maybe he's going to die
and rise again.
QUIETLY: That's the plan.
The Last Supper. That won me
the pub quiz at the Windmill.
Hmm. Some night that was -
from what I remember!
HE CHUCKLES
Ted let us have a lock-in.
Oh, so his locks are working,
then? Right.
I'll just do it now, then.
If you could.
Shall we go, then?
Go?
To the lake. For that swim.
HIGH-PITCHED: Ah
I'm sorry. Gertie?
Yeah. I, er
HE SIGHS
I actually can't, tonight.
Oh.
Yeah. How come?
Ah I, uh, I just
can't.
Well, maybe tomorrow, then.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Maybe.
You're an incredible human,
Gertie.
The best I've met, in fact.
Right
You've taught me that
it's OK to be myself.
Not to be like everybody else.
And
I-I can't thank you enough
for that.
Friends for ever. Yeah.
Weirdo!
SHE CHUCKLES
Right.
Well, I should probably
Val Yeah.
Is everything OK?
Everything's great.
I can tell
when something's bothering you.
I'm sure if you just tell me
what it is,
that between us, we I can't.
Can't or won't? Can't and won't.
Well, now I really want to know.
Please, Gertie, just
just forget it.
OK? Why does everything need
a big discussion?
Cos I thought we were friends.
You have heard of friends?
People who share thoughts
and secrets and trust.
Don't be like that.
Be like what?
I've told you everything
about my life -
about being bullied
on school trips,
about how I sleepwalk
round the garden.
Even about Dad being boring
on holidays.
What?
What have you told me
about your life? Nothing.
I can't tell you things.
You you think
I don't want to?
If I even tried,
your head would explode.
I have more responsibility than
you could possibly imagine.
I have I have people
who rely on me.
Thousands of years' worth
of tradition on my shoulders.
Hundreds of eyes
watching my every move.
I-I wish I could be like you,
bumbling my way through life,
filling my head
with with school dances
and Simon Says.
But I can't.
Ah! I only just fixed that!
INSECTS CHIRRUP
Right
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Well,
we, er, should probably
Get on with it?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean, if you're ready.
I'm I'm ready.
Good.
Great.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
And you're absolutely certain
that you can't find it
in yourself to bite
just one human neck? Mum!
Will it hurt?
You'll faint before the bite.
All humans do.
Don't worry.
Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
I love you, Valentine.
Love you too, Mum.
SHE HISSES
BATS SCREECH
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Where is he? He's late.
Anyone would think
he's not looking forward to it.
ECHOING:
You're the future King King.
HE GASPS
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
I can't tell you how excited
I am for your big moment.
When the teeth
first puncture the skin.
Mm-hm.
Quite spongy.
All that sinew.
Yum. I find the gush can be
quite dramatic,
so I'd have a napkin ready.
Will do.
I do know your little secret,
by the way.
And soon
so will everyone.
You're a human.
You have a reflection.
You're sure
this isn't one of your dreams?
Oh, I'm sure.
I know exactly what I saw.
Only one way to find out.
I feel invincible.
Part of something.
Free of sentiment and pity.
When I look back at my days
consorting with humans,
I can laugh.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh!
I
I just wanted to say that, um
Ahem!
Uh
I, uh, I just wanted to say
It's all right, Dad.
I know.
Well, you know.
Right.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Well
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you my son and heir,
Prince Valentine.
Well, first of all,
FANGS for coming!
ONE PERSON LAUGHS
Little joke there.
He got it. Yeah.
Yeah.
Sounded better in my head.
Moving on.
I'd like to thank my father,
who has never, ever doubted me.
Not to mention my mother,
who made me the vampire
I am today.
And to my brother, Vernon,
for always being so loyal,
kind and supportive.
That's why I brought you
an initiation gift.
What is it?
HE CHUCKLES
You'll see.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Uh
Ha.
Behold,
upon this altar
lies a human victim,
upon who
or whom
Never sure which.
I shall now feast.
HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY
Bon appetit.
These humans should really
learn to lock the door.
VERNON CHUCKLES
HE SNIFFLES
If you can convince
yourself you're a vampire,
then maybe you can find it
within yourself
to act like one.
It's just confidence.
Igon, let's have some light,
then.
Yes, sir.
Oh, dear.
It's a full moo-oon!
HE GRUNTS
BARKING
HE SNARLS
Ahh!
HE GROWLS
HE HOWLS
Er, I think he needs to go out.
Why would he need to go out?
Oh, not
TRICKLING
Igon! Fetch the mop!
Please, we need to focus on
Valentine.
Come on!
You need to keep walking.
How much further?
Her house. Not far.
Because I do have
a slight hernia.
Mile and a half? Two miles?
Valentine,
I'm sorry I lied to you.
Ooh, sorry, could you
do this later? It's my back.
But the plan wouldn't have worked
if you'd known. Wouldn't?
It didn't!
I just thought if you really
believed you were a vampire
SHE GRUNTS
It's really quite painful!
It might be enough
for you to Bite a human neck?
And pass your initiation.
Oh, well, that worked a treat.
Agh! Oh!
Where am I? What's going on?
It's OK! It's all right.
I think you've had
a little bang on the head.
How did I get here, Val? And what
have you done to your hair?
Do you really want to know
the truth?
HOWLING
SCREAMING
Out of the way!
Out of the way, fools!
You, you, you, with me at once!
Sleepwalking?
For two miles?
Which was exactly
what I just said.
Yeah. So hard to believe.
Er, it's a good thing
that I was out.
Bat-watching? Mm!
As I just explained.
Now, we really should, er,
get you home.
Don't you live that way?
Or you could just go. Quickly.
So could you. Yeah, I will.
Go on, then.
You go on, then. You go.
Stop it! You stop it!
Simon says, "Stop it!"
Listen to me.
You didn't say "Simon says".
Simon says, "Listen to me."
Simon says,
"You really should get going."
But Simon also says
that he's sorry
for hurting you,
and that
he really wants this day
to be over,
so that you and Simon
can be friends again.
What does Val say? He agrees.
I mean,
Simon says, "He agrees."
Now listen.
Simon says, "Wave bye-bye."
Simon says, "Turn around."
Simon says, "Walk home."
Simon says, "Run!"
CLOAK WHOOSHES
Valentine.
Zymonzes!
My son has the power of Zymonzes!
Oh!
Yes!
Zymon zes.
The power to control humans
and have them obey
his every word.
As the elders once wrote,
a secret lost in
the mist-stroke-fog of time.
Until now.
Can you make her moo like a cow?
Moo? Yeah.
Zymonzes, moo like a cow!
DISTANT: Moo!
HE LAUGHS
Zymonzes!
ALL: Zymonzes!
Zymonzes!
Zymonzes! Zy
All right, all right,
that's enough, guys, that's en
It's a father-son moment.
You're kind of spoiling it.
I might not have bitten anyone,
but it seems
the power of Zymonzes
is way more impressive.
So, with nothing left
for me to prove,
Mother can finally relax
with her craft work.
Who's that?
Oh, no-one.
While Father gets to boast
about his family's
glorious achievements.
I just want to tell you about
our first-born son,
who is blessed with a power
that shall echo through the ages.
Make a copy of that and send it
to everyone in my address book.
Yes, your highness.
And how many will that be? Four
Oh, that's not too many.
..hundred and sixteen.
PS. Now for the latest chapter
in our storied military history.
It was a cold night,
and we managed to
HE GRUNTS
Hm! Mm!
HE GRUNTS REPEATEDLY
As for Vernon
I'll play a game with you.
Well, Vernon's still Vernon.
I prefer to play with myself.
So I've heard.
Play chess with myself.
Mother, tell him!
During the day,
I still have Gertie to teach me
what humans are capable of -
and not capable of.
I don't know if I could have
done this without you.
Takes guts.
Yeah, I'm proud of us!
We've proved something
just by coming here.
Definitely! Makes you wonder
if we even need to
TOGETHER:
..bother with the swimming!
Exactly! Not necessary!
As long as we know
we could have done it.
It's not something daft,
like vampires saying
they can turn into bats.
They can turn into bats.
They can't.
If it was an animal
of an equivalent size, maybe.
Otherwise, where would
all the molecules go?
The bat just might be very dense.
Which would make it very heavy.
How would its wings generate
enough lift?
CHANTING: Zymonzes! Zymonzes!
Only problem - I'm now revered
by the vampire community
for having the power of Zymonzes.
One for another day.
The way I see it,
apart from Wilf's pride
You'd tell me if I'd done
anything embarrassing, yeah?
Nothing that I can think of, no.
Oh! Goo-ood.
Good, good, good. Yeah.
No-one got hurt.