The Troop (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

Frank C'mon, c'mon!
Run after it, you lazy bum.
[gurgling]
Whatta ya doin'?
Stupid blockheads,
you had this game.
[telephone rings]
Janitorial.
No, Principal Nuss,
that spill's gonna take a few
more hours to clean up.
Hey, I'm really sorry about
all this extra overtime
I'm racking up, but believe me
I'm working my butt off.
Okay.
[crowd cheering on TV]
Ah, come on!
[gurgles]
[crash]
[crowd cheering on TV]
[gurgles]
[gurgles]
Come on!
Ahh!
[sizzle]
[gurgles]
[gurgles]
[splat]
Ahhhh!
[faint sizzle]
and I found out that Vincentio
is younger than Kyle
who plays his own son.
Ha ha ha.
But, that's the
magic of theatre.
As you'll see, assuming
you've purchased your tickets
to my show tomorrow.
And if you haven't,
as the star of the show,
I have set tickets aside.
Darn.
Jake Pay up, dude.
Seven minutes,
forty-three seconds.
Told you she couldn't go
ten minutes without saying
she was the "star
of the school play".
Hayley This play is
really important to me.
One of the biggest nights of
my life and you're betting on is
disrespectful and unsupportive.
Stockley People, we still
have a monster running
around Lakewood High.
Let's stay focused
on what's important.
Jake I've got it!
I'll ask Claudia to go
to the school play with me.
Darn!
Hayley Nine minutes,
twenty-two seconds.
Pay up.
Dude, I can't believe
you guys were betting on me.
Felix Seriously?
You've spent the past five days
talking about how you're going
to ask this girl out
and you never do.
Hayley Yeah, it's
kind of annoying.
Or, as my character in
the 'Taming of The Shrew'
by William Shakespeare
would say, "most vexing."
Dude, I've been into Claudia
Forlani since kindergarten.
Why don't you just
ask her out, already?
I did.
In the first grade.
But I had a booger on
my chin and she said no.
To this day, I claim
that wasn't mine.
And ever since then she's
always had a boyfriend.
She's available now but when she
gets her braces off next week,
she's senior bait for sure.
You know when she's
getting her braces off?
I overheard her
talking to her friends
when I happened to be
hiding in the bushes.
We've all been there, right?
Felix Eh, uh, eep.
Okay, people.
Don't be late for homeroom,
we'll clean this up later.
I'll tell maintenance that
the toilets are flooding here.
That usually keeps
them away for hours.
In the meantime, if you need me,
I'll be in the cafeteria
waiting on the lemon squares.
Ah ha ha!
Lemon squares!
Thirteen minutes
and seven seconds.
He actually made it
past ten minutes.
Pay up, losers.
Oh, thank you.
[school bell rings]
Hey, Claudia.
Hi, Jake.
I need to ask you something.
Go ahead.
Jake Okay.
Can I ask you
something at lunch?
You're asking me now if you
can ask me something at lunch?
I guess.
Well, okay.
Yes!
Hayley Hey, Etienne.
Why weren't you at
rehearsal yesterday?
The only moments in that play
worth rehearsing is our kiss.
Which I willing
to rehearse anytime.
You are totally gross.
Okay, I don't get many kisses
in regular life but I've managed
to get a kiss is every single
play I've ever been in.
Kind of my thing.
When I was Tony, I kissed Maria.
When I was Captain Von
Trapp, I kissed Maria.
And it wasn't easy, but
I managed to work a kiss
into 'Twelve Angry Men'.
And now fate has chosen you,
Hayley, to be my next kiss.
Catch you at rehearsal.
Felix I've narrowed it
down to three suspects:
an Australian Elephant Bat,
a Gelatinous Cube Monster,
or a Slithering Fanged Bantoo.
Most other monsters would
eat their cloths and boots.
Dude, just point me to the
monster and I'll take it down.
Puh-lease, I made the last
three captures this month.
Which is pretty good considering
how much rehearsal I've had.
Jake Since you're
such a good actor,
can you act like someone who's
not so impressed with herself!
Hayley Oh, I am
so sick of you
Hey guys, I think
Hold on, Felix.
Hayley was just about to bore
us with more theatre talk.
Felix But
No! I totally want to hear
more about the fascinating saga
of your booger-crossed love
of Claudia Forlani!
Seriously
For your information, I
asked her IF I could ask her
Felix Guys!
It's a Cube Monster!
Right, right there!
Run!
[Hayley screams]
[gurgles]
[Jake grunts]
Felix No!
[gurgles]
[rustling]
[heavy breathing]
[gurgles]
[boom, splat]
Ohh!
[coughs]
[splat]
Ahh!
Felix You all right?
Hayley, are you hurt?
Huh? Why you
calling me Hayley?
I'm Jake.
Why did the monster
paint my finger nails?
Ha ha.
Hey
why do I smell so good?
If you're Jake, then
Hayley?
Is that you?
Like who else would it be?
[all scream]
of water, and as we all know,
salt is a natural enemy
to any water-based life forms
[Hayley and Jake argue]
Enough!
All this bickering is putting
me off my lemon square.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Lemon square,
I can not resist you.
[moans]
I think I surprised the Cube
before it digested Jake
and Hayley, and when
it spit them back out,
it somehow switched
their personalities.
Let me print out everything
we've got on gelatinous cubes.
[click, whir of printer]
Felix Mrah.
"Gelatinous Cube Monster
- Cube-shape,
consistency of gelatin."
That's it?
I know,
what an opportunity to fill in
the gaps of our knowledge.
Let's talk about what
everyone is really thinking.
How are we ever going to figure
out a way to switch back
before my date to ask
Claudia out on a date?
Hayley I was thinking more
about how I can change back
before you ruin my play.
I can't believe you people
can be so myopic when there are
such beautiful lemon squares
sitting right in front of you.
Ahh.
[thump]
The Cube isn't something
we've seen much for
the last 500 years.
Maybe there's something about
were fighting in there.
The Grimoire.
This is the best day of my life.
Hayley I've never
been so sweaty.
Do boys always sweat like this?
Jake You're complaining.
I've got these weird
straps digging in me,
things stabbing my ears, and how
tight do you need your jeans?
Stockley Settle down.
Now if you want to have
chance of switching back,
we have to figure out how to
bring the Cube back to help.
Maybe we should find out what
it wants to eat for lunch.
Jake Lunch.
Oh, no.
I was suppose to meet Claudia.
I can't stand her up.
Hayley, you've gotta go for me.
Like that's gonna happen.
Whatevs.
Dude, please, you've got to.
Claudia's not even my type.
You want to play hardball?
Two words: Hayley
gets a buzz cut.
Coming!
Hi, Jake.
Hi, Claudia.
Wait, did you change your part?
Yeah, I did.
You're the first boy
who's noticed.
You, ah, like it?
Yeah, it really
frames your face well.
Yeah, it makes your
face look really
round.
Ah, thanks, Hayley.
So, you wanted to
ask me something?
Yeah, let me just tell you,
I've had a crush on you forever
and I've been too nervous
to approach you.
I can't believe you'd admit
something like thatto her.
Hayley I was thinking that
you totally deserve a guy
that would listen to you and do
things that you'd want to do,
whether it's shopping or
eating popcorn and talking.
I was just thinking
the same thing.
Would you like to go with me
to Hayley's play tomorrow night?
I'd love to.
Score!
Well, pick me up around six?
Both Great!
[smack]
Jake Dude, thank you so much.
That was like totally perfect.
Hayley How's the Cube?
Not great.
I tried to feed it chicken soup.
And if you thought Cubes
couldn't barf, you'd be wrong.
Jake You'd better
fix it, all right.
I have a date with Claudia
tomorrow and I'd like to have it
in my own body.
I'm trying.
I'm keeping the Cube under
a large blanket shielding it
from the light and keep it calm.
Right now
it's resting comfortably.
Jake I wish I could.
Just keep a low profile
until I figure something out.
Hayley No problem.
Jake No one will ever know.
[screams]
We'll start rehearsal with
the Baptista and Petruchio scene
and keep going through the big
kiss between Kate and Petruchio.
Ooo, the big kiss.
Sorry for the girl
who has to kiss that.
Mr. Maltby Kate,
take the stage.
Padua awaits!
Jake Yeah, come on, Kate.
Ha ha ha.
I'm Kate, aren't I?
[clears throat]
Oh, cinnamon or wintergreen?
I usually let the girl choose.
Oh, and just so you know,
I brushed my tongue
this morning too.
No way, I am not kissing
Etienne Leibowitz.
Hey, are you any closer
to switching us back?
Made a breakthrough.
Read this.
"Se taefl incofa sy
se awesoung of gast."
Isn't it great?
Can't you see
why I'm so excited?
Tell me what I just said.
"The heart of the Cube
is man's essence."
It eats essence.
In ancient times, people
believed there were four
basic elements: fire,
wind, water, earth.
One of these can make the Cube
better and it will have power
to switch you guys back.
I'd feel a lot more confident
if you weren't using
a squirt gun.
Just look at is as a
squirt instrument of science.
What's that?
Hayley It's a pop quiz
I totally aced for you.
Your classes are so easy.
And, you just made
J.V. basketball,
then signed up for community
service at the senior centre.
It's so nice to be someone with
so much room for improvement.
Don't get used to it.
Felix is going to switch
us back any minute.
Hayley Really?
But, Cuddy's gotta
finish teaching me
how to burp the alphabet.
I'm up to the letter 'H'.
And, I found out how to make
a rat rail really sting.
The trick is you have to
Felix Dip it in water!
Of course, if you're me,
you just hope it's water
from the tank not the bowl.
[awkward laugh]
Why aren't you at rehearsal?
Jake Ah, I couldn't
finish rehearsal.
I was feeling sick.
I almost hurled.
You left?
I'm the lead!
There's no play without me.
You should have told me I had
to kiss that dude, Etienne.
Not cool, Hayley.
Hayley You won't kiss a guy
for the sake of art but
you expect me to take Claudia
'brace-face' Forlani on a date.
How is that fair?
I'm canceling it.
If you ever call
her brace-face again,
I will punch me
right in the nose.
Guys! Guys!
Both What?
The Cube!
The water's working.
I'm a genius.
At this rate, we can make
the switch by morning.
Why don't you guys head home
and get some rest.
I'll stay here with the Cube.
[splash]
[gurgles]
Jake And this one?
Is this the one you sleep on?
Hayley No, it's
a toss pillow.
It's also decorative.
Jake, do we really
have to do this?
I'm just fascinated.
Your bed is a sea of pillows:
accent pillows, toss pillows,
throw pillows, novelty pillows.
Where is the pillow
you sleep on?
In the closet.
You're insane.
Me? At least I have a room
fit for like, humans.
Do you have any idea how
long it took me to clean
this place up to disgusting?
What?
I told you not
to touch anything.
Calm down.
I just tidied up a bit.
I took all your dirty cloths
and put them in one pile.
Ew, by the way.
And I found some
comic book you drew,
"Knight Shield and
Honey Ricochet."
Gee, Honey Ricochet
looks familiar.
Honey Ricochet is like
so much taller than you.
Hayley And, I repaired
you little stuffed bunny.
You're welcome.
Mr. Tuttles is not a bunny.
He's a beaver,
which is the most masculine
of all the woodland creatures.
I can't believe you gave
Mr. Tuttles bunny ears.
He looks ridiculous.
Well, I think
he looks super cute.
[clicks of keyboard]
Jake Lose the ears
or the pillow gets it.
Do it and die, Collins.
Ooo, look what's
behind this pillow.
A diary?
Check and mate.
One minute.
I just don't get it.
It's not getting any better.
Well something must have
been lost in the translation.
What else could the
"essence of humanity" mean?
I'll tell you what
it doesn't mean:
fire, earth, wind, water,
licorice, nail cuttings,
paint thinners
I'm in an awkward
position over here.
Hayley Awkward position?
Last night, I slept on
a skateboard and an amplifier
because Jake's bed smelled
like beef jerky.
And in a half hour,
I'm going to have to watch
him mangle my stage debut.
Have a little
more faith in Jake.
He knows how important this is.
He won't embarrass you.
Oh, dear.
Hayley Oh, I thought I
told you at lunch to change.
Nothing would have
made me happier.
I didn't have any
cloths to change into.
You're ruining my reputation.
And I bet you haven't memorized
any of my lines.
Shows what you know.
I memorized an entire page.
And look, I have the
rest written here.
It's okay.
Through in a few 'doths' here,
a few 'forsooths' there.
We'll all be good.
Hayley No, we're not good.
You're humiliating me while
I'm doing everything I can
to make you better.
I hemmed your jeans correctly
and you no longer smell
like cheese curls.
I like smelling
like cheese curls.
And you know what else, I'm
getting just a little bit sick
of you judging me like this.
I'm not judging you.
Jake Yeah, you are.
Why else would you
be signing me up for
all these things, huh?
Because you don't
think I'm good.
Hayley We'll you're certainly
not doing a great job as me.
Did you even bother to look
in the mirror this morning?
How could I not, huh?
You've only got like 5,000
mirrors in your room.
Hayley That's it!
I'm not going out with Claudia.
You wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I?
Jake Then I guess
you're understudy
will be doing the show.
You're going to make me cry.
Human essence!
I figured it out.
It feeds on intense emotion
such as a joyous laughter,
wrenching sorrow, blinding rage.
Jake Dude, you
figured it out.
Let's hop on in and switch back.
No, it's not ready yet.
This Cube is only one
quarter it's normal size.
We've got to pump it up
with more emotion.
How long will that take?
I don't know.
I'll go as fast as I can.
I mean
I don't know!
I'll go as fast as I can!
[gurgles]
that's your name I hear.
I said, good morrow, Kate,
for that's your name I hear.
It tis be my name.
Don't weareth it out.
[audience chuckles]
And what be your name,
I pray thee?
My name is Petruchio, and
I'm here to make you my wife.
If you want to get with this,
lose the tights,
put a ring on it.
[audience laughs]
Wha-what!
[audience laughs]
This is a travesty,
a nightmare.
It's a lot better than
last year's 'Fiddler'.
Christian Olafson was the
worst Tevye I've ever seen.
You don't think
she's ruining the play?
She's terrible.
She's not that bad.
Who knew Hayley had
a sense of humour?
Hayley's funny,
totally funny.
Like, once she was in
the line for lunch,
saw the special and said,
"If that's the special,
give me the normal."
[laughs]
[armpit farts]
[audience laughs]
Well, maybe we should
go somewhere else?
Get to know each other better.
I can't take it.
Someone has to
straighten her out.
What about me, Jake?
Jake?
Hayley Dude
I was at Level 26 Paladin
with a ring of invisibility
when I rolled a 'one'
on a 20-sided die.
My whole clan turned against me.
I hope you never experience
that kind of betrayal.
[sobs]
[gurgles]
[audience laughs, applauds]
[laughs]
Hayley What do you think
you're doing?
Improving Shakespeare.
Listen to that, they love me.
They're idiots.
Shakespeare didn't
have arm farts.
We don't know that.
Etienne You can't just
waltz on stage and pretend
the performance doesn't matter
in the shadows of Olivier,
and Richardson and Brian Phong.
Who?
Ah, last year's King Lear!
It was absolutely breathtaking.
Claudia Jake!
Wow, Claudia, you look
super pretty tonight.
What?
Are you loving the play?
I'm kind of dedicating
my performance to you.
Thanks, I guess.
This is one of
the worst nights of life.
Me too.
You left me all alone out there.
Great first date.
Can you guys
work on this later.
Our kiss is coming up
and my fans expect
something scintillating.
When I say my fans,
I mean, my nana.
He's right, Hayley.
What ever happened to character?
What happened to commitment?
Why are you so into her?
Just of fan of good theatre.
No, you clearly
have a thing for her.
No, I don't.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does and
you're just as into him.
You can have each other.
Oh, Claudia, wait!
Please.
Yeah, come back.
Okay, the kissing
scene is next.
And if you're not out there,
I'm going to have you
blacklisted from
the theatre program.
You can say adios
to 'Grigadoon'.
The Cube's ready.
I fixed it.
[gurgles]
[gurgles]
[splash]
[gurgles]
Hayley?
Yeah.
Jake?
Yeah.
Felix?
Meow!
Just kidding.
It's me.
Etienne I said
for the tenth time,
why there's a wench.
Come and kiss me, Kate.
Did someone say
something about a kiss?
Yes!
No! No!
Mr. Maltby!
Mr. Maltby!
There's aahhh!
Mr. Maltby!
[applause]
[applause]
[burping]
ABCDEFG
[clicks of keyboard]
Look, Mr. Tuttles.
I got you some new pillows.
Felix So that brings
us up to math camp.
You know, when you're
bullied by math nerds,
the X axis is pain the
Y axis is humiliation.
[gurgles]
It was the longest,
the longest 12 weeks of my life.
I, I'll go straight
to integer week.
You see, what happened
[gurgle]
Oh, you want me to go.
Has it been three hours already?
I'm sure you've got a lot to do
being a gelatinous Cube and all.
[gurgle]
See you same time
tomorrow, friend.
[beep]