The Venture Bros (2003) s01e06 Episode Script

Gentlemen, this is quite possibly
the hottest situation
most of you will ever be involved with.
If any of you have any fears about death,
any second thoughts about that
beautiful new wife of yours
screwing every guy you hate
because you left her a widow,
now is your chance to leave.
Take off those sunglasses.
Get out of here.
Anybody else?
Mr. Five?
See to it that Mr. Eleven
never gets to that gate alive.
This is Agent Samson.
You will know him and refer to him
only as team leader.
His whim is your command.
If he tells you to put on a dress and dance,
I better see those money-makers shaking.
- Am I understood?
- Yes, sir!
These grounds have been split up
into ten separate zones.
Each zone will be defended by two agents.
In the event of an agent's termination
the neighboring zone
will absorb the weaker one.
I don't like the sound of
"an agent's termination."
I just hope he doesn't ask us
to put on a dress and dance.
Mr. Twelve?
Is there something you would like
to share with all of us
or is this a tea party with Mr. Seven?
It is a tea party, sir!
Would you two little ladies
like to put on an attractive sundress
- or perhaps a tube top for this party?
- No, sir!
Team leader, would you like to see them
in pretty pink dresses?
No. I don't want to see them in a dress.
Very well.
You boys have team leader to thank.
If we had it my way,
the whole lot of you would be in skirts.
Now, knock it off and listen up.
It's their nerves.
These are good men.
Your sidearms are to be
your last line of defense.
Civilian casualties will not be tolerated.
Now, let's all cross our fingers
and we just might see another sunrise.
All right, gentlemen, go ahead.
Aye, aye, sir!
Here's where you are wrong, my friend.
This woman has killed before.
Allegedly.
OK, whatever.
But she was a big girl.
We are talking about
a large, healthy woman
of questionable stability.
Oh, you are totally underestimating
the never-say-die scrappiness
of a survivor.
Hey, guess what?
Nobody cares who would win
in a crazy fantasy fistfight
between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.
We never should have
brought the henchmen.
We're gonna be the only ones there
with henchmen.
I'm gonna have to kill them.
Pull over if you see a good place
to dump their bodies.
I can't take this.
Do you want me to turn around?
Because I will.
You were the one that wanted to
No, no, this tag sale
is clearly going to be the event.
The Monarch is not going to miss this.
No way.
We are not going to make a thing
out of this.
I don't want to upset the henchmen.
Hey, Dean
I found your doll.
That's an action figure.
No, this is your old dolly.
Give it! She's mine!
Try was yours.
Dad put a price tag on it.
Well, it's not his to sell.
This is my Princess of Camelot doll
because because
I should get the money
and stuff.
Cool.
I was wondering where this went.
Breaker, breaker, one-nine.
This here's the rubber duck.
You got a copy on me?
Come on.
If Dad's gonna sell our junk
we've gotta find our own way
to get a slice of that fat money cake.
Aw, wicked!
Check it!
I got it!
And I'm gonna need your help.
Follow me.
Brock, you have to learn how to relax.
This has a lock on it.
We'll be fine.
I just think that with all your advertising
Who even opens those Valpaks anyway?
You have some dangerous
machinery for sale here.
I think you're begging for trouble
on this one.
I thought you handled all that.
And I don't hear any big ideas from you
on how to get some quick cash. Come on!
Most of this stuff is
old crap my dad left behind.
Doc, you have a table over there
with a sign that says
"Laser death ray bargain bin"!
Well, that's why you have
your little ska band there
to keep the oddballs in costumes
from raising Cain.
Everyone is here.
It's quite a turnout.
Look over there.
It's the Bearded Specter.
Oh, my God, look what he's got on!
Are those giant shorts or tiny pants?
Who still wears those?
Sweetie, isn't that the guy
from Depeche Mode?
Oh, no way! Where?
Holy crap, he's with a girl.
Oh, yeah, that guy is totally straight.
I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
But he's the guy from Depeche Mode.
It's impossible.
- Straight.
- Come on!
He's in Depeche Mode!
Billy, check out that honey-pot over there.
That's the kind of archenemy we need.
That's Dr. Girlfriend.
She kicks with that wash-up
who thinks it's cool to wear butterfly wings.
You know, the what's-his-name?
Oh, right.
The Monarch. Sure.
Wait, that's Dr. Girlfriend?
People say she's kind of
you know manly.
Totally. And I heard
from a reliable source
that she has a surgically implanted
baboon's uterus.
Can they even do that?
Your naivete is alarming.
I have personally grafted a pony's face
onto the abdomen
of a well-known celebrity.
Is it someone I've heard of?
I do not kiss and tell.
Name?
- You know damn well
- Name?
Baron Underbheit.
One: All persons associated
with the Guild of Calamitous Intent
recognize that by virtue of
their presence at an event
I am well aware of the 1967
Charter of Casual Contact.
Und come now
Why would little old me
want to start any trouble?
Spare me the sweet talk and sign here.
Place all metallic, explosive,
or magical objects in the tray.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to ask you to
All right.
Is there a screen or something
I can go behind?
Don't push your luck.
That image is never
going to leave my mind.
I'm gonna throw up.
Uh, I swear to you, I can taste it.
It is all watery under
my tongue right now.
He's a total freak.
I mean, part of me admires his dedication
to looking all menacing
but that is just gross.
So, it's just the weed whacker then?
Do you have amnesia?
I loaned this utilitarian object
to you a month ago!
I purchased this weed whacker
for the singular design
of grooming my lawn!
All right, keep it!
Just take it down a notch.
Sorry, I just
You said you would return it.
I get like that.
You need a hand here?
I'm a people person.
I could assist you vending your sundries.
Why, I would make a whiz-bang salesman!
Fine, you deal with the creepy guys
dressed like special creepy guys.
- And none of that "step right up" crap.
- OK.
All right, you two.
You have my list and the money.
Now I want you back waiting
by the Monarch-mobile by 6:00.
- I will tolerate no dawdling!
- OK, boss.
You can count on us,
and we are not gonna screw this up.
Ah, thanks for putting that in my head.
That's extra reassuring.
Put your mind at ease.
Your two best men are on the job.
Oh, I'm sure.
And, Twenty-One?
Yeah?
Your barn door is open.
Ah, henchmen.
You seem to be in good spirits.
Right. It's weird.
I was totally convinced that
Brock Samson was just gonna
Oh, my God! Right?
But he was a big, blond pussycat.
I have not been this relaxed since
- Since when?
- Since
Whenever. I don't know.
Oh, would you look at that?
It's just tacky.
A cash bar.
How typical.
Employee Dean,
isn't that your make-believe girlfriend?
- Oh, crap! Where?!
- The hat stays on!
You are representing Hankco, son.
Show some pride.
- Knock it off.
- All right.
Union says you get a ten-minute break,
and I can't risk another strike.
H.E.L.P.eR!
You're on counter.
Look alive!
There he goes.
Looks like our little Dean is growing up.
I'm OK!
My shoelace was untied.
I'm not ashamed to say it, H.E.L.P.eR
I'm proud of him.
I'm flattered, boys.
But I'm with the Monarch now.
And, you know, he's been
arching Dr. Venture
Venture! That guy peaked too early.
He's been a joke since he was sixteen.
- Sweetie, do we need potholders?
- I better go.
You both seem very interesting,
and I'm sure some day
you will make some lucky villain
very happy.
Did I mention that Billy here
is a severe hydrocephalic?
I was born with way too much
cerebrospinal fluid
which may account for my tremendous I.Q.
My mother calls me her little water baby.
I'm an albino.
Yeah, you can kill him with light!
You could call yourself
the Deadly Flame
or Hot Pants.
Hey, Triana.
What are you doing here?
I live right over there.
And, you know yard sale.
Did you find anything to get?
Oh, I found some kitschy junk.
You have to see these!
Look at these things!
Giant grandma thunder pants!
Don't they rule?!
I have a cramp from running into you.
Isn't that weird?
You know, you and I both here
What are the chances?
I really want to sit down.
Man, you're a mess.
We should get you some lemonade.
No.
Not lemonade.
And your change.
Now let me just bag this for you.
Stop showing off.
OK, there you are.
And I hope you enjoy your purchase.
You are one lucky duck!
Oh, it must be dreamy
to have a costumed nemesis
chasing you
wringing his gloved hands
in concern of your every move!
- You're kidding, right?
- It just seemed so romantic.
Oh, sure, it looks all
glamorous from the outside
but really it's a huge pain in the ass.
They send robots into your lab,
break everything
and does my insurance policy
cover archenemies? No.
I'm jealous. There, I said it.
If you want one so bad, take one of mine.
We've been lucky here, but that
doesn't mean it's not gonna happen.
I want security to move
My contacts!
You knocked out my contact lenses.
I want security to move
on all possible civilian targets.
Mr. Twenty will join you at the
- Well?
- No way.
Come on, I did it!
You have to pay up.
I said, "And he helps you look for them."
You so owe me five bucks!
Let's move the Monarch-mobile
to the other side of the lot.
It will totally screw
with the henchmen's heads!
I've never seen this side of you.
Oh, wow.
That hoagie went right through me.
I need to make a deposit at the bank
so to speak.
You dick!
Dr. Orpheus did this!
To exact proper retribution, you can
find me at this address. Nights only.
What? What did I do?
When the sun sleeps,
the wolves begin to howl.
So?
What the hell is going on here?
Did somebody put a sign
on my back or something?
Let's see.
That's the "7 and the Ragged Tiger" t-shirt,
the shrink ray, and the Santa windsock.
Uh, this runs on two double-A batteries
and superheated phosphates.
What? Is that a tic-tac in there?
And you have a picture of a shrink ray gun
on the shrink ray gun.
That is totally retarded.
If you had, like, a silhouette of
a giant guy maybe next to a small guy
you know, with, uh,
ray gun circles coming out
If you don't like the logo, it's a decal.
You can scrape it off.
Now, do you want it, or are you just gonna
skip on over to the Shrink Ray Hut
and pick up a cheaper one?
Your sarcasm, although a laugh riot,
is not making this choice any easier.
If you're not gonna get it, I will.
I'll let you borrow it.
No way. You're a total Indian giver.
Come on, just loan me, like, fifty grand.
All right, you two, you snooze, you lose!
Nobody gets the shrink ray now.
Nice.
Oh, this is unholy.
I can actually see the stench in here.
Hello, Doctor.
Well, if it's not Phantom Limb.
In the flesh what there is of it.
So, I heard you set the butterfly free.
I just looked in the hole.
It's horrible!
Who told you that?
A little bird told me,
but don't blame Tiny Eagle.
We all saw this coming.
Well, it's a complete lie.
I could not be happier.
This isn't happening in here.
It's like two inches higher
than the one at the cocoon.
It's throwing me all out of whack.
We all know the good doctor
could turn the world of
professional villainy upside down
if she would just try it
on her own and drop
Look, I've got a good thing going on here.
I'm not the same person
you used to know.
OK, Pookums,
that sound you heard was nothing,
But some of the pressure
has been released.
You know, I'm between
hating scientists now.
I could number two for you
till you get on your feet.
All right, why don't you be
a good little whatever-the-hell-you-are
and run along?
This is not a good time.
Wasn't that Phantom Limb?
Didn't you work with him
or live near him or something?
I've never met him before.
He's an ass.
- How'd it go in there?
- Oh, not well.
It was all sound and fury
signifying nothing.
We have to find a real toilet!
What was that?
I just sold him a slice of the grinder.
And what's he gonna
wash it down with?
That was the perfect opportunity
to push the lemonade!
Do you know what this is?
This is profit.
And do you know what that is?
A huge grinder?
A big hero?
No, that is there
to make people spend $2.00
on a nickel's worth of sugar water.
Oh, I'm going in the back
to count receipts.
Triana, take over for Dean.
Here's your hat.
And I'm gonna need your W-2
by the end of your shift.
I'm not wearing this.
Create a diversion, and I'll rush in.
Just go in the woods.
Fine. What do I do?
Come on, this place
is a who's who of villainy
shopping for destroyer rays.
It's a powder keg.
Improvise!
I sure would like this in khaki.
Never mind, I've got it.
Hey, cool!
Girlie mags.
No way!
It's "Buffy's" own Sarah Michelle Gellar!
Dick!
Bravo unit, this is team leader,
C-C-C breach at Tip-Top Torpedoes
and the Dollar Grab Bag Pavilion.
Copy that, team leader.
We have a similar situation
over at Bargain Atomic Appliances.
There. Was that hard?
Come on.
I need backup over here!
One of these nancy-boy creeps
thought it would be funny
to test the merchandise.
You're all my witnesses!
Secret agent brutality!
Officer, I would like to press charges.
You can't spend all
of the boss's money on that.
He'll kill us!
Dude, have you gone insane?
We have to get this.
I'm gonna cry.
I have been dreaming of this
since I was three.
- I'm telling you
- Dude, look at this, please.
Oh, you like that, huh?
It's a prototype.
Couldn't sell 'em.
Yeah, Kenner wasn't interested in a toy
that cost over two mill in parts alone
and the army told me
they don't sword fight anymore.
I'll take it, and I don't need a bag.
I'm gonna wear this home.
My friend, bedlam has broken out athwart
the kingdom of Venture!
Join me in battle!
Oh, crap, Brock is never gonna let me
hear the end of this.
Back to back, neighbor!
We shall fight them as a team!
I'm not going
"back to back" with anybody.
I'm going inside.
Very well!
Secure the homestead!
Your family must come first!
Honestly, what kind of jackass
would leave every door unlocked?
I'm not gonna flush.
Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!
This is totally freaky.
I'm in my archenemy's bedroom.
We really should do something
sinister?
I don't know. Like what?
Want to do it on his bed?
You know make him sleep
in our genetic filth?
Yeah, me neither.
Oh, this isn't working.
I'm not feeling it.
Yeah, hey why don't we find his lab
and, uh, I don't know, break something
All right.
This is ridiculous.
You're gonna get us all killed!
I quit.
We are not going anywhere!
When I chose this neighborhood
to open my first Hankco's
Lemonade and Grinder World
I knew the consequences.
All right, that's it, I am out of here.
When these riots are over,
we are going to rebuild!
As God as my witness,
I will not let my people down
I am Dr. Orpheus!
That was delivered by Dr. Orpheus!
If any of you colorful rogues
would like to take revenge out on me
on a full-time basis
my schedule is open!
You totally blew it out there.
You are so right.
I should have rescued her, or at least
Or at least not run away crying.
She'll be fine, boys.
Her father's out there destroying my lawn
with his magic.
He wouldn't let anything happen to her.
Hey, Pop, did you leave
the door to your lab open?
Brock Samson.
At last we meet.
No, my young Padawan learner.
This one is mine.
Do I know you?
I've been gypped!
- Boo!
- Oh, my God!
He's gonna so [bleep] pop me!
Brock, come in, Brock.
- Yeah?
- There's someone in the lab.
- Who?
- I'm not going in there!
I'm sending a team over now.
Oh, my God, look at this place.
It's like a museum of failure.
It's almost depressing.
Here I am in the belly of the beast,
and I don't even care.
I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this.
I used to dream of taking a whiz on this!
So, I guess we're not gonna
What can I do to this guy
that life hasn't already?
I almost feel sorry for him.
A lot has changed.
I was meaning to talk
to you about things and us
Oh, no, you don't!
Take it easy!
Get down, honeybunch!
No one gets the drop on the Monarch!
With every fiber of my being, I stab at thee!
As long as blood flows
through this heart
I will hunt you down.
I will be the stuff of
your children's nightmares!
What's he doing now?
He's making his dramatic exit.
This could take all night.
I'm gonna get Brock.
Oh, I think he's almost done.
And then when nothing can be heard
but your cries of agony
I will pull the chain
and let the beast devour you!
Mark my words!
I will have my revenge, Dr. Venture!
There.
All right, they're finishing up.
Let's go home.
That's good soup!