Twins (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

Morning, Mitchee.
How can you be in such a good mood?
Oh, I love the new | mirrors in the elevator.
The top of my head is so cute.
Doesn't it bother you in the least | that we both got traffic tickets?
I didn't get a ticket.
What? But we both ran the red | light. You were right behind me.
He let me off with a warning.
You're kidding.
I get the feeling he | really liked my bra.
You're not wearing a bra.
I was.
And | he gave me his sunglasses.
Cool, right?
This is so typical.
I got a $200 ticket, | and I have to go to traffic school.
Do you want the sunglasses?
No, I want to live in a fair world.
A bra for sunglasses? | What's not fair about that?
Twins Season 1 episode 6 | Model Student
Oh, whose birthday is it, Alan?
Jorge in shipping.
That was last Friday.
You're eating birthday cake | that is a week old for breakfast?
No, Lee, I had a Grand Slam | for breakfast.
This is just a nosh till lunch.
Mmm. What are you looking at?
The Russos' e-mail. That's the | picture from their pool party.
Oop, let me see.
Oh, wow. You are a perfect 10.
And standing next to Phil Russo, | you two look like the number 10.
The man has really let himself go.
Phil and I have the same swim trunks.
That's you, Alan.
Yeah, if I was a minivan.
Oh, dear God, there's Phil in the | background working the barbecue.
That is me.
I'm a fatty, Lee.
I think you're adorable.
Well, I think I need to | do something about it.
What am I gonna do about it?
Well, if you wanna lose | weight, I'll help you.
- Really? | - Yeah.
As a model, I learned a | lot about diet and exercise.
I also learned how to hide | my nipples with Band-Aids,
but that's for another day.
Okay, Lee, when do we start?
Right now. Put the cake down.
But I didn't get to eat the rose.
That's good.
Now I'm gonna put you
on a rigorous program | of diet and exercise.
Diet and exercise? | Who does both?
People who like the way | they look in bathing suits.
Well, maybe I'm overreacting.
Yeah, I-- I look okay.
Hello.
Lee, when you were you at a | pool party with Michael Moore?
Hey, Mitch.
What are you doing?
Looking up stupid traffic schools.
Speaking of which, | you'll be happy to know
that I got pulled over on my way to | lunch, and the cop gave me a ticket.
That's what you get for not keeping | a spare bra in your glove compartment.
No. | I got a moving violation.
Please tell me that's not a euphemism.
No, I got a real ticket.
For what?
Illegal left turn
through a crosswalk.
At a grade school.
How come you couldn't | flirt your way out of it?
Gay cop.
And apparently he and his partner | have a kid at the grade school.
Oh, that is an outrage.
Yeah, tell me about it.
So where are we going to traffic school?
I downloaded a list of ones in the area.
Oh, look, they have one | at our old high school.
We gotta go there.
Why do we have to go there?
'Cause it'll be fun. | It'll be like high school.
Yeah, that would be great-- to go | revisit the worst four years of my life.
The only difference between that and my | recurring nightmares: I'll be dressed.
Come on, Mitch. High school rocked.
Yeah, for you it did.
But you're a hot blonde. | You coast through everything.
What are you saying?
That you got by on your looks.
That is so not true.
Oh, please.
I mean, you never studied. | You cut class all the time.
You got a B-plus on a science | project called "We All Have Feet".
Mitchee, you always exaggerate this.
No one treats me any differently | because of the way that I look.
- Hi, Danny. | - Hey, Farrah.
Double decaf latte.
And I threw in a blueberry muffin, | 'cause I know how much you like 'em.
Oh! Thank you, Danny.
Hey, can I get a muffin?
Sure, just come down to the lobby. | We're open till 6:00.
Okay. Let's try sit-ups.
How about helping me get | my face off the floor?
Lee, I have no strength | and even less stamina.
There's gotta be some other way, | some kind of shortcut.
Well, sure, there are lots of shortcuts.
I mean, you can take diet pills, | you can make yourself throw up,
you could even smoke cigarettes. | But this isn't about shortcuts.
This is about doing it the right way, | the healthy way.
You're right, Lee. | You're absolutely right.
Didn't know you were a smoker, boss.
I'm just trying to get | into better shape.
First time?
Well, don't be discouraged.
It's like sex.
Nobody's good at it their first time,
but before you know it | you're out behind a building
doing it with a bunch of strangers.
That's inspiring. | It's kind of depressing out here.
Well, we used to have | the smokers lounge,
but then-- Ooh! You | can't smoke indoors.
Then we used to smoke | in front of the building,
but-- Ooh! | Daycare center.
Is it rainin
It's the air conditioner | from the fourth floor.
They store fur.
You can have Stan's spot. | It's dry.
- Where's Stan? | - He's no longer with us.
You know what? | I can't do this. It's disgusting.
We're standing in a filthy alley | with rusty water dripping on our heads
all for the opportunity to suck | noxious fumes into our bodies.
Quitter.
God, doesn't this place | bring back memories?
Yeah. I had French Three in this room.
I frenched Mike Redman for | three hours in this room.
There wasn't a Mike Redman.
There was a Mr. Redman.
Ew!
Good morning, crappy drivers.
My name is Don. I'll be | your instructor today.
If you can pull out your | manuals and turn to page one.
Driving is a privilege, not a right.
Over the course of the | next eight hours, you will--
Well, hello.
Hi, Don.
What are you in for?
I did a very bad thing.
Oh, I bet you did.
Don!
Oh, now this isn't fair.
You know my name. | I don't know yours.
I'm Farrah.
Don, why don't you just give her | your glasses so we can move on?
Sanitation vehicles make frequent stops.
Therefore the only safe side | to pass them is which one?
Farrah?
The right?
Or it might be
- The left. | - Correctamundo! Yes.
Wow. You are on fire, you're so hot.
So hot.
Yes, yes, what?
Aren't we supposed to get a break?
Not for another 20 minutes.
Don, I'm tired.
All right, Farrah makes a good point.
Um, let's take a fiver.
Thanks, Don. You're the best.
Mitchee, wait. | Do you want to take a walk?
Yeah, by myself.
What's with the bitter kitty face?
It's like high school all over again.
Farrah's so pretty that she | gets everything she wants.
"Hey, Farrah, want to cut | in line in the cafeteria?"
"Hey, Farrah, want to | make the PA announcements?"
"Sure you can park there, Farrah. | Being hungover's a handicap."
You think I had it easy? | You so don't get it.
Oh, please.
I mean, you had like no | problems in high school.
Yeah, I did.
Oh, really? | Did you have a zit one day?
No, it was a lot bigger than that.
Oh, now Farrah had a big problem. | Well, tell me.
What was your big problem in high school?
- You want to know? | -Yeah, I do.
- You sure you want to know? | - Yes.
My big problem was you, Mitchee.
Excuse me. | Were you in my class?
Have you seen a hot blonde number? | Goes by the name of Farrah?
What was that about? | I was your big problem in high school?
Mitchee.
Do you know how hard it was | to always be in your shadow?
What are you talking about?
Everyone was always like,
"Mitchee's so smart. Why aren't you?"
"Mitchee's so talented. Why aren't you?"
"Mitchee's a junior. Why aren't you?"
I mean, why do you think | we are who we are today?
Why do you think I'm the | model and you're the brainiac
- who doesn't even wear makeup? | - I wear makeup.
When?
Every day.
On your face?
Yes, on my face.
Even today?
I'm gonna say no just | to end this conversation.
Well, the point is, I could never | compete with how smart you were.
Well, you never cared | about stuff like that.
- Look over there. | - Oh, wow.
Mrs. Rowan's Winner of the Week.
Yeah, and you know how you won it | like a thousand weeks in a row?
That's your big problem?
That I got recognized for | my academic initiative?
Well, too bad, Farrah. I mean, | I worked my ass off to earn that.
Yeah, well you know what? So did I.
- Yeah, right. | - Mitchee.
You know the week you had mono | and the chess club was on retreat
and Jacob Friedman was in the | hospital for the model rocket accident?
Well, that was the one week | when I thought, this is my chance.
And we studying the | world war with Mexico.
-You mean the war with Mexico. | -That's what I said.
And it was like the | best thing I ever made.
But you know whose name Mrs. | Rowan put on the board that week?
Yours.
- But I wasn't even in school. | - Exactly.
And that's when I realized that I was just | never going to be a Winner of the Week.
Oh, I'm so sorry. | I mean, that's just so unfair.
After that, I just kind | of stopped trying.
Hey, Farrah. There you are.
Uh, we're about to start again.
Okay, Don. We'll be right there.
Great. | I'll be waiting.
Well, we should get back.
No, there's something more | important we have to do.
Alan?
What are you doing?
Just having a healthy snack, dear.
There's powdered sugar on your carrot.
Do you want to spend the rest | of your life like Anushka Bermya?
Absolutely not. | Who's that?
When I started out as a model, | she was my biggest competition.
And then she landed a year-long | contract in Switzerland,
and there she discovered Toblerone.
So she got fat?
No. She showed up at a photo shoot
with chocolate lined around | her mouth instead of lip liner.
- So she got fired? | - Yes.
And then she got fat.
I mean, the point is, is | that she could have been
one of the biggest | things in the whole world.
But now, well
Actually, she is.
I'm sorry, Lee, I didn't hear | anything you said after Toblerone.
I'm never gonna lose this weight. | I give up.
Neil. Forward my calls to Tony Roma's.
I see his diet's going gangbusters.
Oh, Neil.
He's hopeless, and I feel | bad because I can't help him.
Why don't you send him on a cruise? | That'll limit him to eight meals a day.
Well, I just wish there was | an exercise that he liked.
Hey. We could have sex.
Oh, no offense, Lee, but | I like outies, not innies.
No, me and Alan.
Sex burns up a lot of calories.
And he's very vigorous and | he's surprisingly flexible.
Please, I have no problem | working with heterosexuals.
I just don't wanna know | what they do in bed.
You don't have to do this, Mitchee.
Yes, we do. Come on.
Mrs. Rowan?
Mitchee Arnold? | How are you?
- Remember me? | - Yeah. Hey.
So, Mitchee, how have you been? | What brings you back?
Well, this is gonna sound | weird after all this time,
but you know the Winner | of the Week wall?
Well, do you remember the week | that I was out sick with mono?
That sounds vaguely familiar.
Do you remember who the Winner | of the Week was that week?
Well, I would assume it was you.
Well, it should have been my sister.
Remember when I brought | in that great Alamo?
Oh, right.
I have to admit, that | was surprisingly good.
Wait, so why wasn't she | the Winner of the Week?
Oh, cheese and crackers.
That was almost ten years ago. | Who cares?
Farrah cares, that's who. | I mean, why didn't she win?
Well, I guess I could tell ya now.
She didn't need it.
What?
Well, look at her.
What does that mean?
You didn't need the Wall. | When you look like that,
everybody gives you | everything on a platter.
Wait a minute. So you didn't give | it to her because she's too pretty?
I mean, that's just wrong.
Ha ha. My Wall, my rules.
But she earned it. You can't go around | acting like some all-powerful wall wizard.
I got tenure. | I can do what I want.
No, you can't. | You owe her an apology,
and we're not leaving | until she gets one.
Fine. I'm sorry. | Are you happy now?
Yes, I am.
And the next time a pretty girl
hands in an awesome Alamo, | with Play-Doh Mexicans,
and you don't put her on the wall | because you don't think she needs it,
why don't you just remember | that hotties are people too?
Let's get out of here.
Does Mr. Redman still teach here?
Hello, Neil.
Oh, uh, whoa.
You might want me to hold | that for you, slugger.
Why?
I'm just saying, you might | want to have your hands free.
Why?
Trust me.
Okay, but I know exactly how | many ribs are in that swan.
Hello, Alan.
Close the door.
What's going on?
I thought of a good way | for you to lose weight.
Come here.
What, you mean sex? | Right here in the office?
We always used to do it here. | Remember?
We used to play naughty seamstress and | what was I?
The very angry boss?
Here.
- Lee, stop it, please. | - Why?
Because I don't want pity sex.
What are you talking about?
Come on, you don't | wantto sleep with me.
How could you? | Look at me.
- I am looking at you. | - Don't look at me!
I love looking at you.
No, you don't. | You think I'm adorable.
Adorable is good.
No. Good-looking is good.
Handsome is good.
Adorable is code for,
"If this plane goes down, we eat him."
Alan, that is not true.
Well, then why are you pushing | me so hard to lose weight?
What?
I wasn't pushing you. | I was only trying to help you
because I saw how upset you | got about the pool picture.
I was only upset because I thought | how disgusting I must be to you.
Lee, you're the most | beautiful woman I've ever seen.
And I guess I just started to | worry I'm nothot enough for you.
You know what, Alan?
When we first met, I worried that | I wasn't smart enough for you.
Well, that's absurd. | You're plenty smart enough for me.
I know that.
And you're plenty hot enough for me.
You really think so?
Well, you may not be | Brad Pitt or George Clooney
or Denzel Washington
or the guy who came to pave | the driveway the other day,
or the guy that was driving the truck.
Or--
Who might I be, Lee?
To me
you're the man who's | sexier than all of them.
Combined?
No, not combined.
It's all right, I'll take it.
And you know what else?
What?
Put down your sewing kit, | Ms. Kwan! I am mad as hell!
But, Mr. Banks, | please, I need this job.
Then prove it.
Hey, Farrah, something | came for you in the mail.
My certificate.
Yep, and according to the state | of California, you have not only
completed traffic school, you've | done so in a way that is satisfactory.
Sweet!
Oh, look.
Don wrote down his phone number.
And directions to his apartment.
You know where we're gonna put yours?
- Where? | - On the Winner of the Week wall.
Oh, my God!
Hey, girls.
Daddy, | I am finally Winner of the Week.
Way to go, Farrah.
I have no idea what that means.
Oh, Alan.
Will you tell Ms. Kwan to get her | butt in here right away, please?
She's coming.
Who is Ms. Kwan?
Let's just say she's the | luckiest seamstress in the world.