AfterMASH (1983) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Thank you for.
Joining us.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
Hello, VA.
How are you?
How are you?
Welcome to the Merry Monday debut edition
of Lunchtime with Mellow Max Klinger on
your very own General Pershing bedside
network.
I think I'm a natural.
Yes, it's high noon and high time for high
jink.
That's wonderful, son.
That's wonderful.
Thanks a lot for stopping by, Father.
It's my pleasure.
And should you wish to return the visit,
this is the schedule of Sunday's services.
Pencils ready?
The gin rummy tournaments
at 7, the gin rummy arguments
at 8, and from 9 to 11, a
top 10 film, 12 O'clock high.
Now for Stan, fractured femur Brock,
Stranger in Paradise.
Who is it, Stan?
Hello, Father.
Oh, good morning.
Excuse me, I have an appointment with an
atheist who's wavering.
You gonna finish your lunch, Dugan?
It's terrible.
Yeah.
Look, awful.
If I wasn't so starved, I wouldn't eat
this with your mouth.
You're too busy for meals, Doc.
I'm too poor.
They pay residents with coin changers.
Give me that pickle.
I'll run a saliva test on it.
Oh, nurse?
You mean me, Doctor?
No, me, Doc.
You nurse.
A new nurse.
Student nurse.
Wrong.
A new nurse is one who hasn't arrived yet.
You're here, which means you're halfway to
a gold watch.
You got a name?
Judy Canfield.
Good.
You want to do some work as long as you're
here, Miss Canfield?
Or you want to stand around and watch
handsome young doctors eat pickles?
Yes, Doctor.
No, Doctor.
I mean both.
I want Dugan's BP monitored hourly,
I want Gordon's dressing changed,
I want Fiedler's lab results, and I want
dessert.
How goes it, Donway?
Just roll it along, Doc.
Don't mind him.
He's just all the time busy.
And hungry.
I'm Seth Fowler.
This is Paul Conway.
Welcome to General General.
Thanks.
I'm Judy Canfield.
Hey, Paul, isn't it time for your rubdown?
No, uh, Nick, you'll wait.
Miss Canfield's got a lot to do.
Are you supposed to have a rubdown?
Well, my neck's a little tight.
I'd, uh, I'd do it myself, but, well,
my hands aren't what they used to be.
Oh, of course.
I didn't realize.
Thanks.
Oh, that's great.
Could you maybe do the shoulders a little?
Sure.
And down the back?
Feel better?
You have no idea.
Look, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come back a little bit
later, and, uh, I'll let you give me a bath.
Whoa!
Hit the range, little filly.
This is a hospital zone.
Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.
I don't think you've rammed into me
before, have you?
No, sir.
I'm Judy Canfield.
New?
Green.
Meet Dr. Potter.
Old, grizzled.
You finding your way around okay?
Well, it only took me 15 minutes to find
the ward.
My first two days here couldn't find the
little surgeon's room.
Worst two days of my life.
Stop by admitting they've got those little
maps of the hospital.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Most important thing is to get your feet wet
gradual-like, and don't let anyone rush you.
Yes, doctor.
Why am I always one meeting behind?
Maybe you could do me a favor.
I need the tissue committee reports.
Tissue committee?
And the medical supply reports.
Medical supply.
Oh, and the night admission records for
all of September, divided into medical and
psychiatric, of course, and naturally in
triplicate.
One copy to accounting, one to
administration, and one to me.
You think you can handle that?
A medical, psychiatric, triplicate.
Oh, sure.
And remember what I said.
Don't let anyone rush you.
No, sir.
Now, scoot.
Well, hello, Fred.
What's the good word today?
Come on, Fred.
It's been a long time.
Say anything.
Say you've got nothing to say.
Okay, Fred.
Whenever you're ready.
And now, the Private Eyes theme song,
I'm Walking Behind You.
I've always known someone was looking over
my shoulder, but until now, I thought it was God.
Can I, uh, help you?
No.
And I'll hear you promise.
Terrific Tuesday's outside event is a bus
tour, Historic Hannibal.
Stops include Mark Twain's house, Mark
Twain's school, and the famous Courtney Hotel.
Once slept in by Merle Utley, who once met
Mark Twain.
Meatloaf?
I love meatloaf.
Could you pass the salt?
Easy, I don't like a lot of salt.
That's just a 1235 to Joplin.
We're on the right side of the tracks,
but barely.
Everything moved but the meatloaf.
Take line, new arrivals file.
We extend a heartfelt welcome to Zelma
Bagley.
All business and administration.
And still wet behind her nursing cap,
Miss Judy Canfield.
Judy, we greet you with loving open arms.
And a message which I quote, get yourself
over to main reception pronto.
Move it or lose it, rookie.
I'll watch your food for you.
Some of these people here are real
scavengers.
Thanks, doctor.
You owe me one.
Nurse Canfield, report to reception.
Any day now, Nurse Canfield.
Just a moment.
Hi, I'm Judith Canfield.
My husband moves faster when I call and
he's dead.
Never mind.
Step over here.
See you in an hour.
Oh, no, I'm a nurse.
Everyone takes a turn at the board, at least
everyone who doesn't know how to avoid it.
It's a piece of cake.
Upper bank incoming, lower bank outgoing.
Light comes on, you get the extension
number they want, plug this in here.
Got it?
Good.
What if two calls come in at once?
You're in luck.
God gave you two hands.
Incoming is with?
Honey, I haven't got all day.
Some of us like to eat lunch, you know.
See ya.
Thank you, Mary.
Security guard to reception.
Security guard to reception.
Dr. Pfeiffer to admitting.
Dr. Pfeiffer admitting.
Over here.
Over here.
Sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Now, first things first.
I'm Father Mulcahy.
I know.
I've seen you around.
Ernie Temple.
All right.
We're getting somewhere.
Now, I know you've walked a lot today,
Ernie, because I've walked a lot today.
We must be dead on our feet.
We must be.
Why don't you have a spot of coffee and
tell me what's on your mind?
Oh, you don't really care.
Not my problems.
Oh, in order to care about them or not to
care about them, I have to know what they are.
So?
Well, I was in Korea.
I was, too.
Big deal.
I got malaria.
And?
What do you mean, and?
That's it.
My future shot the shinola.
Malaria's rather readily controlled.
With the proper medication, you'll be out
of here in no time.
And then the real problems start.
I can't get a job.
Why not?
Because the good ones were all taken by
guys who didn't have to go in the service.
The want-hours are filled with job offers.
So I get a job.
I'll only get fired when it comes back.
What?
The malaria.
Haven't you been listening?
I'm telling you, it's hopeless.
It's only hopeless if you think it's
hopeless.
Then it's really hopeless because I know
it's hopeless.
I don't know what else to say.
There's nothing else to say.
Very well.
So when can we meet again?
For what?
To talk.
I'm getting a lot out of this.
General Pershing Hospital.
The radiologist.
Do you know his extension?
Just a moment, I'll look it up.
General Pershing.
Just a moment, I'll connect you.
Somewhere.
General Pershing.
No, no, I didn't.
I disconnected someone, but it was a
different voice.
Much less angry.
Just a minute.
And.
Welcome to Wacky Wednesday, where we'll spin the
wax and tell the facts as you relax on wonderful K-Max.
And now, here's Wheel of Fortune.
Fred, I can appreciate the value of
silence.
It's sometimes very enriching to keep
counsel with your inner spirit.
But it's also important at times to share
your feelings with others.
Ha, boy, isn't that the truth?
Oh, uh, hello again, Ernie.
Hi, Father.
Now, I know, but I've been
thinking about what you said
when we talked this morning
about me going to trade school.
Ernie, I'm quite busy at the moment.
Now, Paul, it seems that a portion
of your life has been Can't go.
No manual dexterity.
Been taken away by the war.
So why don't we meet this afternoon and
talk about why I have no manual dexterity?
Ernie, we already talked twice yesterday
and once this morning.
Rome was in built in a day father.
But if you want to turn your back on me,
that's okay.
I'm used to it.
I'm free at four or at five.
I'll take them both.
Fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm talking to this young
man who I'm certain has a bright future ahead of him.
Sure.
He never had malaria.
And to make Thrilling Thursday
even more thrilling, we have
some special Mike-side guests
to assist with the announcements.
First of all, the old schnozzola himself,
Mr. Jimmy Durante.
Stop the music.
Stop the music.
Thank you, Max, for a stupendous
introduction.
Now, for all you would-be cheap killings,
three dance lessons will be offered in the day.
Tonight.
See, see, dancing's for saps, Durante.
Step aside.
I don't believe it, folks.
It's Mr. Edward G.
Robinson.
Meow, meow, see?
Meow, all right.
And I'm going to shoot straight with you
guys.
Our beloved volunteer, Miss Eunice Rockerbrand, will
be bringing some of her homemade donuts by tomorrow.
See?
Meow.
So if you'll wise up, you'll dunk those
sinkers before eating them, see?
Because I don't want no more chipped tea.
See?
That's good, man.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, Mr. Eddie G.
Wait a minute.
Have a good weekend, so we go.
Potter, I need to talk to you.
Oh, hi, Mike.
Edward G.
Robinson.
You can't fool me.
That's Klinger.
And I don't think his broadcasts are
reflecting positively on me.
That is, the hospital.
And me.
But then again, we're one in the same.
From where I sit, I'm strongly leaning
toward not standing for them any longer.
That boy's giving up his lunch hours to
spread a little cheer.
The kid's got a heart bigger than his
nose.
Hello, there.
The Red Cross wants me to put the bite on
you for the big blood drive tomorrow.
You telling me that isn't cute?
Cute won't cut it.
I have important visitors here every day.
Politicians, philanthropists, pro-bowlers.
What are they going to think about this
second-rate volatile act?
Well, they might just think you're a decent
fellow who cares more about Patience and protocol.
And that Klinger's boosting morale,
which could speed up recovery,
which could save a pretty penny,
which could reflect favorably on you.
Or the hospital, which, according to you,
is you anyway.
I can't argue with that.
Oh, what the H.
Let the show go on.
Mr. D., you're a decent man.
It's my only fault.
Now, more musical meandering.
The question all America is asking,
how high the moon?
Somewhere there's music, how high the
moon?
Father, is that you?
What?
Who's there?
It's me, Ernie Temple.
I've got to talk to you.
Here?
You're more alone, right?
What else is there to talk about?
You kept me up until three this morning.
What's your life story?
A lot's happened since then.
Well, why don't we talk this afternoon?
Will you be in here that long?
In my office?
You really can't wait.
Oh, well, so what's today's problem?
Everything.
For starters, this hospital.
There's absolutely no privacy here.
Here she comes.
Give me the apple juice.
Good morning, Miss Canfield.
Hey, we're really sorry about that joke we
pulled on you the other day.
It was in terrible taste.
I don't know what got into us.
It's okay.
I've forgotten it already.
I've come for your cup.
I can't let you have it yet.
He's not finished with it.
Now I am.
There you go.
Oh, my God.
For your information, I don't appreciate
cruel jokes.
Neither do I.
But sometimes you just have to live with
it.
You know?
Doctor, did you see that?
Yeah, you forgot the cup.
That's not funny.
I can see you're upset.
Why don't we talk about it over your
lunch?
Nurse and supervisor to ward 2A.
Doggone it, nurse.
I had the light.
Oh, it's you again, speedy.
You won't have to worry about running into
me again, doctor.
I'm quitting.
Quitting?
You haven't hardly started.
Everyone here is having a great time at my
expense.
Patients, residents.
I became a nurse to help people,
not to be a foil for their society.
Sick humor.
Sit down a minute.
My bunions are predicting rain.
Now, Judy, isn't it?
I've had an M.D.
after my name longer than you had a name.
So you'll do well to listen as I lay out
some of the facts of hospital life for you.
First, you've got to realize that some of
these patients have been through an awful lot.
And they're bitter.
I know that.
We had a seminar about it in nursing
school.
Oh.
Uh, well, there's a good side to this, too.
The most interesting work in medicine is
done in VA.
Well, as far as the nurses They're
given more responsibility here.
Everybody knows that.
What else?
I don't know.
You tell me.
May I go now?
You might like to know that I got a pretty
good hazing myself when I was a rookie resident.
Let's see.
There was chewing gum in the ear holes of
my stethoscope.
A dead patient who kissed me.
The worst.
Well, I had two choices.
Get out or get back at him.
And seeing as the word quitter sticks in
my craw, I attacked.
Armed only with fake doggy doo,
a dead frog, and several dozen chicken
lippers, I soon had that entire hospital
on 24-hour Potter alert.
I proved to one and all that when it came to
mindless pranks, I was in a class by myself.
Oh, I was one mean sumbuck.
Them bunions must be a tornado coming.
And that was It Isn't Fair, a musty-dusty
from 1950 on Frantic Friday.
Ah, Friday.
Remember back in high school,
taking your best girl to the sock
hop, dancing cheek to cheek,
and after a while, lip to lip?
Remember the perfume that made you wish
you had three nostrils?
And how about going for a late-night
drive?
She's sitting real close.
You got your arm around her and have to
drive all the way home and first?
Well, this show is dedicated to those days
and nights when we were young and hopeful,
and tomorrow was the best day of the week.
Could you come here, nurse?
Yes.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm cold and there's a hammering in my
ears.
You better get my nurse supervisor.
There's no time.
He's going into dysreflexia.
I gotta get the nurse.
I said there's no time.
You want his blood pressure to go through
the roof?
This isn't another joke, is it?
He could have a stroke.
See if his gizmo's cleared.
His what?
His tube.
Check it.
It looks all right.
No drainage?
No.
You're gonna have to relieve him.
Did you ever irrigate a cow?
Once, in nursing school.
Well, you're about to do it again.
I'll try.
Hurry.
I am.
Hands, please, stop trembling.
Come on.
Hang on, buddy.
Come on.
You got it.
There.
There, okay, I've got it.
Okay, good.
Now hook up the catheter.
There, on the side of the bed.
Right.
Okay, it's all hooked up.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Yeah.
What's happening?
There's fluid coming out.
That means he's okay.
Oh, thank God.
Get a clamp just in case.
You don't want to let too much out at
once.
Right.
You saved him.
I didn't even know what to do.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you.
You didn't panic.
That's not bad for a rookie.
Thanks.
Thanks for your help.
Does that mean I get my bath now?
Father, are you going to be long?
I don't believe it.
Ernie, this is not the men's room.
What, were you praying or something?
Yes.
There's no point in going on.
You broke your beads there.
What do you want, Ernie?
Oh, bad news.
The doctor says I'm okay.
I've got to check out.
Oh.
Well, I'll miss you, but all things
considered, I think this is best for everyone.
I'm sure our paths will cross again.
Well, how about 4 O'clock tomorrow?
What?
Well, I feel so good talking to you.
I don't want to stop just because I'm not
in the hospital.
I live in Hannibal.
I can still come by, no problem.
Ernie, I'm going to tell you something
I've never said to one of my flock before.
Get out and don't come back!
You didn't hear that.
Get out?
What are you talking about?
Now, when I'm finally starting to open up, in
six or eight months, I could go out in public.
Ernie, I have to counsel other patients.
I have to fill out papers.
I have to work.
I have to sleep.
I've got problems.
So do other people.
Worse problems than you have.
You're just like all the others.
You don't care about me.
Of course I do.
But I also know that the purpose of life
is to live it, not just talk about it.
And I can't do that for you.
Sure.
Father, I'm afraid.
Everyone's afraid.
And now, another ever-loving evergreen
from that great year 1950.
That was B.K.
before Korea.
You could sleep as late as you wanted.
Incoming mortars didn't wake you with the
smell of bacon.
You'd hop in your jalopy, get 50 cents
worth of gas, and meet the gang at the diner.
Cherry Coke and an order of French fries
made from potatoes you didn't have to peel
and a handful of greasy nickels to feed
the jukebox.
Guys, here's E7.
♪♪.
♪That's a very catchy tune.
The future holds good times, too,
you know.
I'll bring a cup of coffee.
We could talk.
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe.
Maybe.
What you got there?
Roast beef.
Do you realize you made off with my lunch
every day this week?
Well, it's better to give than to receive.
Less fattening, too.
I'm so glad you feel that way.
Something wrong?
Did you just squirt something at me?
You mean this?
Alcohol?
I thought you might like to start your
meal with some just dessert.
Good work, Miss Canfield.
If you'll excuse me.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
I wanted to do was cheer the guys up a
little.
I think I feel better than all of them.
That's how it works.
Well, that's it for this week.
I hope you enjoyed it, and you'll make the
show a regular habit.
Until next week, this is Mellow Max
Klinger saying, that's all, folks.
Tuesday, Lindsay Wagner was everything a
mom is supposed to be until her tragic
death and Ricky Schroeder was left with
half a family.
I hate you being my father!
Two kinds of love.
Now stay tuned as Joanna causes quite a stir when
the Loudons attend the potluck dinner on New Heart.
Next.