Call Your Mother (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Jackie, honey,
you've alphabetized my whole house.
Are you okay?
You have paprika before cumin.
- Are you okay?
- [Chuckles]
It's just since you broke up with
Hank, you've been a little
Salt goes on the table, crazy!
- [Chuckles]
- intense.
It's understandable.
It's not just the breakup.
You quit your job on impulse,
and now you have no money coming in.
This pep talk is a lot like
the one you gave me
after I lost student council,
and you consoled me with,
"It's just a popularity contest."
I said it then, and I'll say it now.
Smart girls don't need to be popular.
Honey, I'm worried about you.
Don't be. Hank was way too old for me.
It's not like commercial
real-estate management
was my dream job.
This is a chance to reset my life.
- [Door opens]
- And your life.
Oh, God, she got you, too.
- And his life.
- [Door closes]
I'm told my bras are next.
What's to organize?
There's one sport, two beige,
a lacy purple number
for my annual mole patrol
with my cute dermatologist.
Oh, and a leftover nursing bra,
because you never know.
Oh, I think we know.
It's been a nightmare at our place.
I mean, I couldn't even take
a shower this morning
because she was cleaning
the grout in the tub.
I got a new grout pen.
What was I supposed to do?
You're going through a breakup.
You're supposed to use
the bathtub for crying
and eating your feelings.
I'm not a Gilmore girl.
I'm an adult woman.
And I'm unemployed now.
I have time to improve
the world around me.
I'm like Gandhi.
She's worked her whole life.
When she was 13, she got a fake I.D.
just so she could work at Dairy Queen.
You need to focus on
having some fun, sweetie.
Yeah, this is your Renaissance.
Or your rock bottom.
Both look the same on you.
Either way, now is your time to play.
Lane's right. You're young.
You have no responsibilities.
Go out and grab yourself a Bloody Mary.
I'm not really a Bloody Mary person.
I don't like my alcohol
to taste like soup.
You know what?
I'm going out with
my new friends from voice class.
They're crazy fun.
You're coming with us.
- Why?
- Because you're stuck.
You're replacing feelings
with weird busywork.
It's not healthy. It's sad.
And your sad is making me sad.
It's what she's always done.
When she lost that job at Dairy Queen,
she still snuck in
to do their inventory.
Oh, Lane's right. You need to get out.
Live it up. Let your hair down. Get out.
You said "get out" twice.
Don't read into it, baby. Just get out.
Bye, you guys. Have a great time.
I'll just be here, thinking about you.
Hey, how's, uh how's Jackie doing?
Yeah, we don't need to do all that.
Oh, good.
♪
♪
[Both moaning]
- I'm glad we decided that kissing was okay.
- Yeah, me, too.
- We've kissed like 15 times in 2 days.
- Ooh.
I mean, I had to replace my ChapStick.
Oh, God. Danny, you're counting?
Sorry. Sorry. It's a habit.
I-I used to have this contest
over the summer
with my mate Brendo,
and my record was always two.
- Oh.
- And one of those was my Nana.
And the other one was my other Nana.
I'm having a much better year.
- I'm glad. But you can stop now.
- Okay.
Actually, do you mind
if I quickly call Brendo?
I'm like 14 kisses away from his record.
[Chuckles] This is okay, right?
Okay? I would say it's great.
I'd say it's better than great.
I mean, except for that one
where my lip bled.
Oh, sorry about that.
I have a sharp tooth.
It comes in handy with those pistachios
that aren't all the way open.
[Moans]
Actually, why did you ask
if this was okay?
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.
I just wanted to make sure
that we were in the clear.
Yeah.
I-It's just I know
that you're separated,
but, technically, you're still married.
- Mm.
- I mean, I know it's just kissing.
Yeah, it's just
I mean, in Europe,
that's like a handshake.
In Australia, we call kissing
"the European handshake."
- Do you?
- No, but I really want that record.
But But, seriously,
I-I-I don't want to make you
feel guilty or anything.
Like, I'll do whatever you want to do.
I just want to kiss.
I was hoping
that's what you wanted to do.
- Ow! Ow!
- Oh, sorry.
No, it's good it's a good
- it's a good "ow."
- Oh, okay.
♪
Oh, hey, babe.
Um, is it okay
if I take the two top shelves
of this closet?
Yeah. You don't have to ask me.
This is our place now, baby.
You are my fiancée.
I know. It's exciting.
But let's be chill about it.
You know, fiancée like Beyoncé.
- Fiancée.
- Uh, hold that thought.
With all this moving-in craziness,
I've gotten super behind
on my sponsored Instagram posts.
The brands are getting pissed.
Do me a favor
and hold this for me, m'kay?
Okay. What do I have to say?
Oh, no, you'll be muted for sure.
I just need visuals of your cute face.
- [Chuckles]
- Yeah.
Is this energy drink safe?
The warning label says,
"See you on the other side."
Oh, yeah. No, that's just fun marketing.
Um, but don't drink more than one
or you give up your right
to pursue legal action.
- Ah.
- [Can hisses]
Well, this is great.
Mm-hmm.
- Ew. This burns.
- [Camera shutter clicking]
But everything else is great.
- [Coughs]
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I thought your clothes
would take up more space in our closet,
but it is a perfect fit, just like us.
Totes. Plus, it's easier
'cause I'll still keep most
of my clothes at my apartment.
Uh, because you're leaving them
for the next renter?
No, because I'm keeping my apartment.
What are you talking about?
Freddie, don't get dramatic.
It's just a backup.
You know, it's like car insurance.
I didn't want to smash into
that telephone pole,
but when I did, I was glad to have it.
And I don't want anything bad
to happen between us,
but if it does, I'm glad to know
that I have hardwood floors,
a peek of the ocean,
and original Hollywood Regency molding.
It doesn't say "diarrhea" on here.
Freddie, it's okay.
I already moved
the most important thing here
my heart. [Chuckles]
And my pug pillow. [Squeals]
Also important. Yay!
It's like having a real pug.
Have we kissed in the kitchen yet?
We have. But we haven't kissed
in my kitchen.
The tile's different.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh!
- Hey. Hello, Freddie.
Hi, honey.
I was just going over to Danny's to
replace his carpet with other carpet.
- And then we were going to
- Jean, stop. Stop.
Hey, Mom, I-I need to talk to you.
Oh, honey, it's fine.
People do it in Europe all the time.
Ew! God!
You guys were doing it?
No, just kissing.
I don't know why, but that's worse.
Just don't tell me any more.
The less you say, the less I'll picture.
I-I'm gonna go back to my place
and, uh, clean the tile.
Uh, which is also from Europe,
interestingly enough.
You can just leave, Danny.
Yeah, copy that. Yep. Ciao, ciao.
- What's going on, honey?
- [Sighs]
Well, Celia's moving in with me,
but she's keeping her apartment.
That's weird, right?
- That does seem weird.
- Yeah.
It's like she wants to keep
one foot out the door.
One foot out the door? [Chuckles] What?
Does she think
she can do better than you?
She can't. Believe me, I've tried.
Hey, Mom, I-I'm engaged.
You're kissing a guy.
Maybe it's time to stop
saying things like that.
Okay.
But just know that I believe it.
[Sighs] I just think Celia's scared.
And she doesn't even know
this weirdness.
She's never seen
a successful relationship.
Her parents divorced
when she was super young,
and then they both got remarried
and divorced again.
I just think she's having trouble
- believing in the "happily ever after."
- Mm.
I knew she had trust issues,
but I thought once we were
engaged, she was past it.
Do you think
Can you go talk to her?
Why me?
I mean, she needs someone in her life
who's had a stable, successful marriage.
And, plus, Mom,
she kind of worships you.
Worships?
That makes sense.
Oh, I could talk to her.
Our family's full
of happy, stable marriages.
My Grandpa and Grammy
were married for 67 years.
She died at his funeral.
They used the same hole.
You know, Mom,
I know you love that story,
but maybe make it sound
a little bit more romantic.
What's more romantic than that?
Okay, fine. I'll skip the death hole.
♪
[Indistinct conversations]
I am starving. What is taking so long?
I thought you made a reservation.
So it's taking longer. No big deal.
We still have bar snacks and each other.
Yeah. Fun is about
the in-between moments.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm in between
rage and a one-star Yelp review.
This place freshly picks their
ingredients for every order,
so timing can be unpredictable.
Sometimes, they let the guests
pick their own parsley
from the rooftop garden.
It's so fun.
Do you know what's fun?
Is when you pick something
from the menu,
and then they bring it to you.
Excuse me?
We've been waiting for 20 minutes.
- We had a reservation.
- Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
We'll seat you as soon as
there's a table available.
There are at least three empty tables.
We reserve three tables for walk-ups.
It's policy.
Okay, can we cancel our reservation
and say that we're a walk-up?
That wouldn't be fair
to the real walk-ups.
That's policy.
Okay, my friends and I
are trying to have a really fun night,
and I don't think your manager
would apprec
We're happy to wait. I'm so sorry.
Please let us bring the farm
to our table.
Jackie, tonight was supposed
to be about you having fun,
but you're making it really hard.
Like, I didn't know fun could be hard.
Okay, I can be fun, all right?
I would be a lot more fun
with a napkin on my lap,
but I can be fun.
Yes. That's the spirit.
Go grab yourself a drink.
Okay, well, who's gonna light
a fire under Little Miss Policy?
I'll take care of her.
You just go show them
why you put on mascara tonight.
Can you pretend I'm heated
and pushing really hard
for our table to satisfy
my type- "A" friend over there?
I also work in customer service,
so I know how thankless this job can be.
You're doing great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are we doing?
I-I thought when I said have a drink,
you were gonna have, like, a Chardonnay,
not drink like a prospector
coming into town for supplies.
Relax. We're just doing a shot.
Shot! Three shots!
Uh-oh. You said "shot."
- You got to take a shot.
- Got to take a shot.
Jackie, maybe pace yourself.
Lane said "pace yourself."
- You got to take a shot!
- Got to take a shot.
That's That's not
how drinking games work.
He said "work." You got to take a shot!
[Chuckles]
"Have fun." I'm really fun.
I'm being so fun right now, it's crazy.
♪
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
So excited that you're here.
Finally have some one-on-one time.
Oh, I was thrilled when you called.
I need a necklace model
for one of my sponsored posts.
You want me to model?
That makes sense.
The brand wants me
to promote this to my followers
as the perfect gift
for moms and grandmas.
- They asked for a mature clavicle.
- [Groans]
I just wanted to, um,
you know, check in,
make sure that you were doing okay.
So much has happened
since the engagement.
- Everything okay with you?
- Totally.
- Okay. Give me more.
- [Camera shutter clicking]
- [Chuckles]
- Less.
Give me none. I'll do it.
Why aren't you giving up your apartment?
What? Oh, did Freddie tell you that?
I knew he wasn't going to get pizza.
Look, Jean, it's no big deal.
The apartment's just my backup,
because, you know, love dies,
and it's rent-controlled.
- Love dies?
- And it's rent-controlled.
Give me a little hair toss.
You know what, Celia? Sit down.
I-I want to tell you
about my Grammy and Grandpa.
Jean, Freddie has nothing
to worry about.
I've just seen
a lot of relationships end.
I saw my mom fall in
and out of a million of them,
never thinking about her future.
Every time she got the hots
for some guy,
she'd just run headfirst
and end up losing everything.
I'm just protecting myself.
Like you're protecting yourself
with Danny.
Oh, we're nowhere near the stuff
that needs protection yet.
I've seen the chemistry between you two.
But until those divorce papers
are signed,
you're not giving away anything.
Right.
Certainly wouldn't
give it away 17 times.
Yeah, and I learned from watching you,
because who knows what's gonna happen?
I've seen it all.
His ex-wife could come back
at the last minute,
get the house,
and where are you gonna live?
- She could do that?
- I've seen it all.
Or maybe they reconcile.
- They could do that?
- I've seen it all.
What about me?
He might want to keep you on the side,
but you're not gonna want to do that.
- Unless you do.
- I don't.
No judgment. I said I've seen it all.
That's why you stick
to your guns, am I right?
Okay, now pretend like you
fell asleep watching the news.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Sighs]
- But don't block the necklace.
Oh, yes.
Sleeping Beauty over here.
[Knock on door]
Hey, how'd everything go?
Do you want to order some dinner?
We have to stop.
Is this because the delivery driver
saw you with your robe open?
I can answer the door this time.
But, FYI, that was probably
the best day of his life.
No. The kissing. I-It has to stop.
Why? What is it?
Is it Is it the the counting?
Would you prefer I close my eyes?
No. But, yeah. But not now.
Hey. Hey, Mom, I thought
you were gonna talk to Celia.
I did. We had a great conversation.
Yeah? Really?
Is that why she's keeping her apartment?
My God, Mom.
I'm gonna lose her, aren't I?
Oh, honey, you're not gonna lose her.
She loves you.
Sometimes a woman just needs
to protect herself.
- Protect herself from what?
- Men.
Uh-oh. That's never good.
Celia and I are just realists
when it comes to relationships.
- Celia and I?
- Celia and I?
Yeah, she really opened up my eyes.
Smart cookie. A lot of levels to her.
I'm one of her models.
Sorry. Is it What's going on here?
Why have you changed your mind?
I mean, we've made out
all over this apartment.
Eugh!
Why are you bailing?
Yeah, I mean,
Celia accepted my proposal.
Why is she bailing?
Well, we're taking care of ourselves.
Well, it really sounds like
you're bailing on us.
Yeah, it does kind of sound like
you're bailing on us.
Well, we're sorry you feel that way.
Well, we're getting
a little tired of this.
So now you have to make a decision.
Are you in, or are you out?
Is that an ultimatum?
Yeah, I'm not with him.
No, no. I'm I'm putting my foot down.
Oh, well, if the man
is putting his foot down,
- I guess the woman's feet have to respond.
- Mm-hmm.
What's that, feet? Oh, this way?
Bye.
Dude, did we just break up with my mom?
[Sighs]
Look, I'm totally on your side,
but what the hell is taking so long?
My uptight friend
is getting wasted right now
with this girl Wanda,
who's way more of a party girl
than you'd think
for somebody workshopping
Neil Diamond covers in class.
Your table is ready.
Thank you for your excellent work.
And that's when I realized
I could make a lot of money
selling my dirty socks online.
- Our table is ready.
- Mm.
So let's eat, start rehydrating.
Where's Jackie?
You mean crying girl?
I think she went to the bathroom.
Crying girl?
When did she start crying?
After we switched to tequila.
Classic sob and rally.
Wanda, you have not helped me
at all tonight.
♪
I mean, are we? You know?
Are Are we the crazy ones
for believing in love?
No, we're not crazy.
I feel a little bit crazy.
Maybe I put too much pressure
on Celia to commit.
I mean, is it wrong
I wanted to lock her down?
Ew! God!
"Lock her down" sounds so wrong.
I mean, am I supposed to chase
after your mum and apologize?
I don't know, man. You're the therapist.
Aren't you a relationship expert?
I don't know, either.
She keeps changing the rules.
We were supposed to wait
until my divorce was final.
Then, apparently, kissing's okay.
17 times, by the way.
And that's sessions, not individuals.
Are you trying to make me run away?
Sorry. Where could she be?
I don't know, man, but there is
one way to find out.
I set her up on a locator app
after she got lost in the city.
I put a tracker on Celia
for emergencies.
[Cellphone dings]
- Oh, got 'em.
- Huh.
I see you!
I'm gonna delete it
as soon as we're done.
I think so.
♪
Jackie?
Hi.
Aw, Jacks.
What happened?
I don't know.
I just started crying.
I came in here to regroup
and I saw myself in the mirror
and I looked like one
of those drunk, crying girls
on a reality show,
which made me cry again.
I'm sorry about tonight.
This is all my fault.
Yeah, it is. Thank you.
Thank me? Why?
You made me loosen up.
Look at how loose I am.
Yeah, but you were supposed to have fun.
[Chuckles]
I am having fun.
It's so exhausting
being in control all the time,
pushing everything down.
I needed to be sad about
my breakup and my unemployment.
Oh, no, I think I'm gonna cry again.
But silver lining
you know what I realized?
I watched myself in the mirror,
and I'm a really pretty crier.
Yes.
You are.
I never could have done this on my own.
Do you want to talk more about it?
No. I think I just want to be
sad and cry some more.
I think I'm dehydrated.
Let's get some food in you.
Tacos?
- [Gasps] Yes!
- Yes!
Tacos!
[Both laugh]
- Celia, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
To you.
We're okay, aren't we, Celia?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
I didn't mean to freak out.
No, I freaked out, too.
Freddie, I-I think I just need a minute
to get used to everything.
You can have all the time you want.
I just got so caught up
in what I wanted,
I stopped thinking about
what you needed.
I figured, when I got engaged,
that we'd live together,
but we don't have to.
I'm flexible.
Only an idiot would put his foot down.
Okay, you don't have to stand
on me to make yourself tall.
What's important
is that we stay together.
We didn't have any of these
issues before we were engaged,
so if it's too much pressure,
let's just take a step back.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
[Gasps]
Celia, will you keep your apartment?
Oh, my God. Yes.
A thousand times, yes!
Oh! Ooh, this is cute,
but let's go do it at my place
and film it for the 'Gram.
Uh, so, when you say "do it,"
you mean the apartment proposal, right?
- Not it?
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, good. [Chuckles]
[Door closes]
Well, I really hope my apology
works, 'cause he was my ride.
- Let's hear it.
- Okay.
I overreacted,
um, because I thought we were finally
getting on the road
with our thing, you know?
And I felt like you were
putting the brakes on again.
I was excited, too.
But you're married.
- Only for two more months.
- It counts.
- It's just kissing.
- It counts. You literally counted.
I-I was really clear when we first met
that I needed to wait
until you were free
to be in a relationship with me.
But then you kissed me.
Doesn't matter who kissed who.
- You kissed me.
- Okay, fine.
- Yeah.
- I-I shouldn't have done that.
I should have stuck to my guns.
I used to have standards.
Suddenly, I'm forcing
my daughter to day-drink
so I can try and set kissing
records with a married man.
Not try. Did.
I don't want to change
who I am to be with you.
I don't want you to change, either.
- I like who you are.
- Oh, good.
Because I'm someone who likes
to do things the right way.
I-It's like my Grammy used to say
"You don't put up posters when
the house is still in escrow."
She was a Realtor,
but it's a good metaphor.
Okay, well, I can wait.
And you know what?
In two months,
by the grace of Judge Munsey,
I will be free and clear.
Then, in two months, I'll be ready.
[Chuckles] For kissing.
And other stuff.
Other stuff. Sounds promising.
Don't get too excited. I'm from Iowa.
Thanks for taking care of our girl.
Looks like you cured her.
- My bras can rest easy.
- [Chuckles]
She just needed to let loose
and feel her feelings.
Hey, Australian guy,
let's keep the bacon flowing.
[Glass clinking]
Oh, loud, loud, loud, loud, loud, loud.
Oh, sorry.
Since we're all gathered here,
I thought it was a good chance
to say something.
Do I have to wait for her
to finish, or can I eat?
Falling in love is easy,
but relationships are harder.
I'm gonna eat.
They say if you love something,
set it free.
And, Freddie, you loved me
so unconditionally
that you set me free.
But as soon as I was,
all I could think about was,
if I found someone special enough
to make me feel safe being myself,
I better lock it down.
I kind of like it when you say it.
Freddie Raines,
will you help me break my lease?
Yes. Yes! [Laughs]
- I'm so happy for you guys.
- Oh, love lives.
Um, I'm happy for you,
but, um, didn't we already do this?
♪♪