Crap Happens (2026) s01e07 Episode Script

1
SOMEWHERE IN A JUNGLE FAR, FAR AWAY
How long have I been here?
Has it been weeks?
Months?
Years?
Ahh!
I immersed myself in Mother Earth
and lost all sense of time.
But sometimes you have to lose yourself
to truly find yourself.
Dear diary…
I'm so hungry.
Maybe I should go back
and eat the flamingos.
No, I have to resist
the temptations of the flesh.
- Suavecito con tu cintura
- Mmm… Mmm…
Vive lo tropical
Salud, señora Jana.
Cheers, Jürgen.
Tropical Island, ¿va?
Ay, Tropical Island, Tropical Island
Tropical Island… ¿va?
Tropical Island.
The tropical indoor pearl of Brandenburg.
Only 20 minutes away
from Schitten… on the Havel.
SNOOKUMS CALLING
Sweetie, are you okay?
Would you come home?
Uh, no, yeah, yeah.
I'll come home, of course.
I'm just at Tropical Islands.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
17 HOURS
(AND AT LEAST 20 MINUTES) EARLIER
- Um, Dalia, is he dead?
- I hope not.
- Should we call an ambulance?
- Nah.
You absolutely have to listen
to this song.
I'm so fly, I'm so nice
Okay, yeah.
Kids, don't draw on the poor man.
You should do more cardio, man.
Yeah, I know.
Dr. Drehws loves the track.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- My track?
- Yeah.
So, you fainted,
his kids scribbled on your face a bit,
and we listened to the track
over and over again, and he loves it.
Wait a minute, is it done?
I have the contract now with Cutie Heart?
- Almost. Dr. Drehws wants to see you live.
- Great.
But first he wants to investigate you
and meet your family.
Oh.
Dr. Dietmar Digitty-Drehws wasn't
just the head of Cutie Heart Records.
Above all, he was a very devoted father.
Yes?
Hello, this is King Gustav Adolf
from Sweden.
You're getting the Nobel Prize
in fatherhood.
Are you serious? Wow. Again?
And again, no offense,
but you're not exactly
what you'd call likable, right?
- Okay.
- So…
I told him about your son
and your stepdad, Johnny.
He wants to get to know you three.
Once he sees what a good dad you are,
he'll really love you.
What? Is that a problem?
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Family first.
Shit.
CRAP HAPPENS
Toni rushed back home.
He had to convince
Charly and Johnny to help him,
and he knew it was going to be hell after
everything he pulled at the intervention.
So he thought he'd start
with the weakest link.
No mail is good mail.
- Hello?
- Hey, Johnny.
I need your help.
After all the terrible things you said
at the intervention, count me out.
Please.
Papa.
Oh…
Stop.
You had me at "I love you."
- Johnny, I never said--
- "I love you, Papa Johnny Carrera." Ah!
Just the sound of it.
Of course I'll help you, Teddy Bear.
Now come inside and take a shower.
You have a big penis on your forehead.
Johnny was handled.
Now for Charly.
And Charly was having a terrible day.
He was missing Sascha, and the fight
with Toni was still weighing on him.
The only thing that gave him comfort
was making music for Armageddon.
Baby, do you think
that anybody else in the world
in this very moment
is doing the same thing?
I hope so. If not,
what the hell are we trying to save?
Boo! Lies!
It sucks!
Get up.
Claudi, the emotion in this scene
is all wrong again.
You sound off. You're squeaking.
Do you have
any human emotion in you at all?
And you.
If the greatest genius of our time,
Michael Bay, writes a line
with a question mark,
then you say it as a question.
"If not,
what the hell are we trying to save?"
How does that sound, huh?
Sounds like a lie.
You're lying, you amateur!
We're nine.
You're a disgrace to the world of acting.
Now get off my stage. Go on.
Love you, Papa.
Stay strong, Paule.
Lisa, you go out there
and find me people
who really know what love is.
Of course, Mr. Paule.
Charly had a feeling about
who Lisa was going to find.
Baby, do you think
that anybody else in the world
is doing the exact same thing right now?
I hope so.
If not, what the hell
are we trying to save?
- The kid's good.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's love, Lisa.
- Europe shall tremble.
- Sure, yeah.
- You did a great job.
- Thanks.
The roles are yours.
Oh! The roles are ours!
You were so great!
See, Charly? That's love!
- We did it, Köbi. We did it!
- We did it.
Charly thought his day
couldn't possibly get any worse.
He was about to call Jana, when…
- Hey.
- Hey.
What do you want?
My dear son…
These last few days were the most
exhausting days, emotionally, of my life.
I was overwhelmed and self-absorbed…
And I was dumb.
I'm sorry.
Papa, are you dying?
Super nice of Elektro Pedro
to lend us his van
and surveillance equipment and whatnot,
but it's so hot in here.
Johnny was just better
at this whole father-son thing,
so he whispered
the right words into Toni's ears.
I wanna be a better father, Charly.
And a better son.
Say it.
And a better son.
Because I love my dad,
my papa, Johnny Carrera.
I love my papa so much.
Are you high?
On love, buddy.
I'm gonna cut this short
because I'm tired of you letting me down.
So it's up to you now.
Your career or me.
Uh…
Mm…
Uh…
Okay, people, this is Episode 7.
It's no secret.
Toni can't deal with pressure.
And he definitely can't deal with
an ultimatum.
- Uh…
- Papa, say something.
Don't say anything.
You need to give this
some serious thought.
- Hello?
- As a dad,
you always come to that tricky moment
when the little gremlin…
Say something.
What do you say?
Well, uh… You…
You're more important, and I just
want us to spend some time together.
Toni, wait, did you just… lie?
Nothing else?
Nothing else.
Charly was skeptical.
That was so wild.
Seriously. I thought I was
really gonna make the asteroid explode.
Ben Affleck would be so proud of you.
Oh. Hi, Charly. Mr. Toni.
Köbi.
But the truth is,
he could really use a nice day.
Okay.
I trust you.
But don't blow it, all right?
Of course.
I have a second helmet in my locker.
Cool.
Psst!
Toni. Toni!
What on earth are you doing?
You're not supposed to lie to Charly!
- If I come clean, he won't come.
- But Teddy Bear…
I'll tell him the truth
once we've made up, okay?
Where are your pants, by the way?
Damn it.
- And you pedal.
- Yeah, okay.
Ooh
Oh
Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba du bop
Ba duba dop ba du dop
Ba duba dop ba du
Yeah, yeah
Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba du bop
Ba duba dop ba du dop
Ba duba dop ba du
Yeah, yeah
FUNE-HAIR-EAL PARLOR
In a mmmbop--
Ahh!
Oh my God! Uh…
Uh, let me see.
I'm sorry.
- Pranked!
- You are so full…
Of shit!
There's something I need to tell ya.
Let me guess.
This was a trap all along the way,
and you've just been lying to me
over some stupid career stuff.
Pranked!
Oh my God, your face, bro.
You should've seen it!
That'd be crazy. Can you imagine?
I, um… I have to take this.
Go ahead.
- Yeah?
- Good morning, sunshine.
It's Dr. Dietmar Drehws, baby. How are ya?
Hi there! Anton Fleischer here.
Dalia's been raving about
how you're not only a good rapper,
but also a super dad, and honestly,
I think that's the most important thing.
- We're going out for dinner tonight.
- Okay.
I'll meet you in Schitten, at
the family-experience restaurant Gaslight.
Sounds fun, am I right?
The reservation's for four people.
Won't take no for an answer.
- Hugs and kisses.
- Okay.
Hello? Uh…
- What was it you wanted to say?
- Mm… Uh…
That would've been
a good moment for Toni to come clean.
But the mood was finally nice for once.
Why mess that up?
Uh…
How about I take you and your grandpa out
somewhere real nice for dinner tonight?
I was thinking the Gaslight restaurant.
Oh yeah.
I bet you thought I left you hangin'
I bet you thought I left you hangin'
I bet you thought I left you hangin'
Well, this is the place.
But there's nothing here.
Excuse me.
Would you happen to know
where Gaslight restaurant is?
Never heard of it.
Okay, well, the internet's saying
that this is the address.
Can't you see I'm having a conversation?
Uh, sorry, I just thought… I mean…
Stop following me.
Stop following me.
What's happening here?
Stop following me!
Help! Help!
I think we're supposed to follow him.
Okay…
- You told Charly the truth?
- Not yet.
- You have to tell him.
- Johnny, not now.
What are you two whispering about?
Nothing.
Johnny, come on.
Papa, are you sure this is a restaurant?
Um, I think so?
My goodness.
Gaslight.
Gaslight.
Gaslight was the latest so-called
"family-experience" restaurant
in Schitten,
with a highly questionable concept.
Oh…
Uh… Yeah.
We still managed to find the restaurant,
even though you ran away.
This isn't a restaurant.
But you have tables and food.
You're imagining that.
- Really?
- You're always jumbling things, aren't ya?
Yeah, I guess that happens often. Um…
Oh! Uh…
Reservation for Toni.
RESERVED FOR TONI
Nah.
Well, someone should've called and
made a reservation for Toni yesterday.
What do you mean?
Uh… Yeah. I mean, me.
I-I reserved a table for Toni, myself.
Hm, sorry. I don't see it.
Dude, it says there, "Reserved for Toni."
I'm Toni.
Why didn't you just say that?
Come on,
I'll show you to your table, folks.
Do you think they actually gaslight
their customers in this restaurant?
Uh… What's gaslighting?
You'll find out once you're
in your first toxic relationship.
- What's a toxic relationship?
- Don't ask.
Uh, Charly! Sascha, look.
It's Charly. Uh… Charly!
Charly! It's me, Köbi!
Be right back.
Köbi, what are you doing?
Why did you call him over?
Hey. Uh… Why don't you join us?
I'm sure we can get another chair
if you would like.
- Are you following us?
- No.
I'm spending the day with my father.
Teddy Bear, when are you
gonna tell him? What's your plan?
Soon, Johnny. Leave me alone.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
But that guy will be here
any minute now! Charly's coming. Tell him.
Ah, so nice to have you with us again.
Well, it's our first time here.
Why are you doing that?
Didn't you have curls just now?
Why do you always have to be
a drama queen?
I dunno, I'm more of
an insecure type, actually.
Why are you making me do this?
Do you want me to be mean?
I don't know. I'm just awful, I guess.
Please don't leave me!
Oh God! I have absolutely
no defense mechanisms against this.
Okay, wow.
Whatever.
We had a great day.
I mean, look at all the stuff we did.
That's cute.
I had a lot of fun today.
I did too.
By the way, you can mention
how well we get along if you want.
In case anyone asks.
Who would even ask?
Well, who knows who might come by?
He's lying.
- What?
- You're lying. You're a liar.
Why did he say that?
- You're a liar, and you make me sick.
- Papa, why did he say that?
Just tell him the truth, please.
I want this man to go away.
Can you please
leave us alone for a second?
You've really changed.
And everyone says so.
Yes, you've really changed.
Huh!
Okay, you tell Charly the truth right now,
or I will.
Okay, Charly.
So… this table was really reserved
by Cutie Heart Records,
and the head of the label
will be here soon.
He liked my song,
and he wants to see me live.
But he wanted
to get to know my family first.
So you tricked me all day
because of your career.
- Is that it?
- No.
- Yes.
- Ahh!
Charly, listen, the thing is,
you were just so pissed off at me
that I couldn't tell you
until things were cool between us.
I need your help.
This is really important.
Charly…
Wait, you can't… You can't leave yet,
he'll be here soon. I need you!
Hey!
- Charly!
- See you later.
Listen, Toni. Listen.
- Shit, shit!
- You should go after him right now.
You should apologize to him, okay?
That's the guy from the label. Him.
What? That's him?
Yeah, that's him!
- Oh…
- I don't know, get down!
Hello, there.
How dare you come back here,
after all you did to me, sir?
Uh, what?
All your friends hate you.
I'm the one that's standing by your side.
It's my first time here.
Yeah. You're always right, of course.
And I'm always the bad guy.
Teddy Bear, what do we do next?
And the only thing Toni
could think to do at that moment was…
- Help!
- Wait here.
Fuck! Help!
Hey, Köbi, buddy, how's it going?
- Uh, well, I can't complain. Yeah.
- Awesome.
- Hi, I'm Toni.
- Hi, I'm your niece?
- Weird. Another one?
- Wow.
Okay, um, Köbi, what I'm about to say
is gonna sound a little crazy,
but do you wanna act like my son tonight?
- Act like your son? Really?
- Uh-huh.
What?
Your timing couldn't be better,
actually, Toni, sir.
I've just discovered
my passion for acting.
Great, that's perfect!
- Mm-hmm.
- What about our date?
Oh, right. Um… Well, Sascha, look…
I really like you a lot, but…
I'm an actor, damn it.
Acting's my purpose.
Then go act, man.
Great, come on.
Let's go act. Come on, get up, Köbi.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Excuse me, sir?
- Yes?
- When are we heading out?
When the bus is full.
You sit over there.
This is your grandpa.
Grüezi.
But… No. No, no way, come on.
- We're not doing this.
- We are.
No, no, no, just go find Charly.
Charly's the whole reason I'm
in this shitty situation.
Don't you get it?
I can't afford to lose this shot.
Can you tell me more about my role, Toni?
W-What? Um…
So, you're Charly, you're a super annoying
teenager and you're ruining my career.
Ruining your career, check.
- Köbi, Kabi, Kibi, Köbi…
- What're you doing?
You're not saying a word.
Don't warm up.
Oh, right, not a word.
You need to get help.
- Sorry?
- Urgently.
- Toni, party of four.
- Sure. Toni.
Go to your Toni.
Just go to your Toni.
Table ten.
All righty.
The photos. The photos! Put-put them away!
Ah, there he is, the man of the hour.
- Toni, Toni, Toni.
- Hello.
- Such a pleasure to meet you, my friend.
- The pleasure's mine, sir.
It's an honor.
I've been a huge fan since forever.
So, um… I'm glad you could make it.
This is Johnny Carrera.
- Hi.
- Toni's papa.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- And this is, uh, your boy?
Yes, it is.
Hello, I'm Dr. Dietmar Drehws,
my friend.
You can call me Diggity,
if you like. And you must be…
Go on, tell Dr. Dietmar Digitty-Drehws
your name.
Grüezi. My name is…
Uh…
- Charly.
- Huh?
Chucky.
Chucky?
Right, and Chucky,
what's that short for? Um… Is it… What?
Chucky.
Ah… Okay, okay. Yeah. Cool.
It's cool.
It's really nice
to have us all here together.
- This is always…
- What's going on?
Sorry. I got off to a rough start.
But I'm totally in character now.
- I hope so.
- Yeah.
…so we can truly welcome them on board.
So… Yeah, Chucky, so, tell me.
Have you heard
your dad's new rap song yet?
Yeah.
Opinion?
It's a goddamn load of shit.
I hate everything my dad makes.
I hate my dad, man.
What a cringe.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
You look sad.
Not your fault.
What about your date?
Your dad screwed it up.
That's what he does.
He's a jerk.
What happened?
Anyway, so tell me,
what have you all been doing today?
Well, today we, um…
- Uh…
- Uh…
Huh?
Uh… I cut my papa's hair, yeah.
- Oh, did you?
- Yeah, that was really nice.
Yeah!
No, what a cringe.
He always embarrasses me.
Uh… I… I'm not sure
I understand what he's saying.
Uh… Teenagers, who gets them, y'know?
What's with his Swiss accent?
That is, um, well…
You know, He used to… Uh, so… So, Charly…
- Chucky.
- Chucky. Chucky was, um… uh…
Way back, he was
with my father in Switzerland.
Ah! So you're Swiss? Hm?
- Eh?
- Yeah.
Sure, yeah.
I'm from, uh, Zuri… chhh.
Oh. I-is it common in Zurich,
uh, your name? Carrera, right?
Uh, yeah. Sure. In Zurichhh,
it's like everywhere, actually.
- Ah, really?
- Mm-hmm.
Always learning.
Yeah.
Switzerland.
Ha, ha, ha. What a cringe.
Ah…
It's just the same shit all the time.
The Fleischer family's really weird.
So weird.
Onion ring?
I've missed this.
Oh yeah.
We were really cool together.
For sure.
Charly totally misread the vibe.
The closeness,
the gesture with the onion rings…
Then the hormones kicked in, and… well…
Sascha Veronika Fleischer.
Will you go out with me again?
Come on, Charly!
You've got to be kidding me.
What's wrong with you?
Ugh.
Ciao, ragazzi!
And here-a comes the food-a.
But we haven't placed our orders.
The same as always, steak.
What's up with that accent?
For the gentlemen, gnocchi.
Uh…
And one penne alla Giuseppe
for the bambino.
This is just four portions
of french fries. Not pasta.
You always twist the facts.
Huh?
Drives me crazy.
You're so ungrateful, man!
Ahh!
If you really loved me,
you'd never do that kinda thing.
What is this?
- Ugh!
- Uh, I-I don't know.
This Gaslight place doesn't
strike me as a family restaurant at all.
Depends on the family, I guess, right?
Right?
Yeah. Uh… So, Toni. Huh?
Tell us about, y'know,
uh, Chucky and yourself.
- Sure.
- I'm sure you have crazy stories to tell.
Um… Crazy stories? Uh…
Nah, I mean, nothing crazy.
It's all just, um…
We have some fun,
I mean, we get along. Don't we?
- Nice.
- We never fight.
Um, totally normal!
No misunderstandings.
Can I just get a drink here?
Schnapps.
Four schnapps for the table.
- Wait a minute, Chucky drinks?
- Here you are.
You're absolutely not having any schnapps.
I want a cigarette,
and I wanna go to a strip club.
Uh…
B-Brandenburg humor.
Toni could tell
Dr. Drehws was running out of patience.
It was a cringy evening.
Absolute cringe.
Huh. Right. Uh… shall we, gentlemen?
- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no.
When I drink alcohol,
I turn into a… a different person.
I turn into a very unpleasant person.
Absolute cringe.
- Oh…
- Oh yeah.
I, um…
- I'mma take a leak.
- Sure.
Good luck. G…
Hey, it's going great, isn't it?
The hell's your problem?
You're ruining this!
- Yeah.
- Why though?
You said that
Charly is an annoying teenager
who wants to ruin your career.
Teddy Bear, that's exactly what you said.
I only said that
because I was stressed out, okay?
- You…
- Teddy Bear…
Okay, this is Charly's fault.
He left me high and dry.
Stop it. This is not Charly's fault.
That's enough.
He trusted you, Toni.
Ugh…
- Ew.
- Huh? Oh.
He trusted you.
You lied to him.
You hurt your son's feelings.
That's even more embarrassing than this.
All he wanted was
for you to spend time with him,
and you lied to his face.
Sweetie?
Hey, Mama.
Are you okay?
Mom, would it be too much to ask
for you to come back home?
Uh, no, yeah, yeah.
I'll come home, of course.
Johnny was right.
Charly wasn't the problem.
And Johnny's pathetic attempt
at a Swiss accent wasn't the problem.
And Köbert De Niro wasn't the problem.
The problem was…
You.
You are the problem.
Toni was the problem.
Go to him, Teddy Bear.
He wanted to prove to Drehws
he was a good dad, but he wasn't.
He'd been a real shitty dad that day.
Charly?
Charly?
THE BEST DAD
Charly!
- Charly!
- Toni!
I knew it. I knew you'd come back.
Here, the paint for the fence.
Not now.
You're a piece of shit, Toni Fleischer!