Down Cemetery Road (2025) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[Mozart's Requiem in D Minor playing]
[music continues]
"Hello, I'm a little lamb,
feel my soft woolly coat."
- Do you wanna feel the coat?
- I'm not a baby.
I know you're not a baby.
[music continues]
Fucking freezing, man.
It's a joke, innit?
Trailing around after a little kid.
You know what?
We're like fucking human nanny cams.
- You know what I mean?
- [chuckles]
[Mozart's Requiem in D Minor playing]
If I wanted to get into
the toddler security business,
- I would have applied for it.
- You what?
Kiddie close protection.
[blows] Loads of money in it, mate.
[music continues]
'Cause you've got your, uh
you got your royal babies, right?
Then you got your celebribabies.
Your "celebbabrababies"? What?
- What you
- Oh, fuck off. Babies of celebrities.
- All right?
- [sighs]
Yeah.
You gonna go get it?
No, it's your turn.
You go get it, dickhead.
Go on. Get your steps in.
Fuck off.
Hurry up as well. It's freezing.
Wanker.
Knobhead.
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
[music ends]
[Steph] One juice for you.
- Thank you.
- [chuckles] That's okay.
[whispering] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[exhales sharply]
[breathes shakily]
[whispering] Okay. Oh, my God.
[breathing shakily]
Dinah, can you get off the bed
for me, please?
[grunting]
Okay. It's okay.
Oh, my God.
We're just gonna go
on a little walk, yeah? Yeah? [gasps]
This way. This way. This way.
[both panting]
Go, go, go! Go!
[breathing heavily, exclaims]
Keep going. Keep going. Okay.
Keep going. Left, left, left.
- [panting]
- [whimpers]
I'm sorry, Dinah.
No, stay with me.
Stay with me. Stay with me.
[breathing heavily]
It's okay. Okay.
Just stay away. Just stay away from us!
[panting]
Uncle Mike!
[groans]
[all breathing shakily]
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
[sniffles] I've missed you so much.
[breathes heavily]
["Woman's Touch" playing]
The light has shone on you tonight ♪
But I'll go walking through
The darkened streets alone ♪
And fall asleep with a smile ♪
Saving my pennies
'Cause the oracle told me so ♪
I've learned to trust my head to turn ♪
[phone ringing]
Yes?
[Janice] H-Hello, who's that?
DI Varma, who am I speaking to?
[sighs] DI Varma,
I'm calling on behalf of Zoë Boehm.
Oh, great news.
Well, there's no need for the attitude.
She's disappeared.
Sorry?
I didn't want this call to be traced.
I'm in a phone box.
You've no idea how hard it was to
find one that wasn't a defibrillator.
I have an envelope of
very important information.
She instructed me to call you
if she didn't come home.
[window squeaking]
- Uh, right.
- [distant knocking]
[knocking]
- Um, okay. Yeah.
- [captain] Let me out!
The [grunts] The island that we need
is sort of due north-west.
It's due north-west of this archipelago.
- All right?
- [Sarah] Okay.
I can't
- Yep.
- [Zoë] Hang on.
- We're headed north-west.
- [knocking]
[captain] Bastards!
[Zoë] I can't
There's no sign of any
any archipelago.
Well, there's no sign of anything
through these, to be honest,
apart from six inches of salt.
[captain] Let me out!
Bastards!
[Sarah] Don't need him.
[exclaims]
Whoo-hoo!
[Downey] Cover your ears.
- [clattering]
- [metal door scraping]
You were here, weren't you?
Just give me a second.
[panting]
[breathing heavily]
[sentimental music playing]
- [Dinah] Hello.
- [chuckles]
Can I keep him?
- [Dinah] Sure.
- Thanks.
[seagulls cawing]
[voice] Distance from tracker: 1.2 miles.
[Sarah] Any clues?
What, uh, apart from a big arrow
saying here be dragons?
[mutters]
Fucking
[Sarah] You all right?
Yep. Just forgotten how much
I fucking hate boat trips.
[engine sputters, stops]
[engine sputters]
Sorry, boat. Didn't mean to be rude.
[engine sputters]
Oh, shit.
["Don't You (Forget About Me)" playing]
[Zoë] What's
- Shut up!
- [music stops]
What's happening now?
[sighs] The engine's stalled.
Yeah, I can see that, Captain Haddock.
But is it broken
or is it just being bloody-minded?
Oh, shit.
We're out of fuel.
Ninety-nine percent certain
I'm gonna vomit.
Just keep your eyes on the horizon
[vomiting]
Oh, fuck.
[Zoë vomits]
- [captain] She needs fuel.
- Oh, yeah, I know.
Where do you keep it?
I'm not telling you.
Don't be a dick.
Fucking amateurs.
Zoë, can you look for a can of fuel?
Or we could let him out?
'Cause I think
I've just chucked up a lung.
Uh, I wanna go back for it.
Okay, okay, okay.
We'll let you out on the condition that
you do not mansplain,
or patronize us
or treat us like a couple of idiots.
Okay?
Fuel.
Thank you.
- The engine's under the
- Yeah, I know. I know.
- [Sarah grunts]
- [Zoë] Okay.
[grunts]
[spits, groans]
[grunts]
[panting]
Pal, I'm sorry we had to, you know
lock you up for a bit.
We'll reimburse you. We'll
Aye. Too fucking right you will.
[sighs] Look, we really need your help.
[stammers] We're trying to find
this island.
For your honeymoon?
[sighs] No. Look, it's just
it's not on any recent maps.
That's because that
technically doesn't exist.
- It was robbed by your lot.
- Our lot?
Aye. The English.
Ministry of De-fucking-fence.
That is English soil
and I won't be setting foot on it.
You don't have to set foot on it,
just drop us off there.
Oh. You see, this is how it starts.
The stuck-up Sassenach tells
a humble Highlander what to do.
Before you know it, we're controlled
by a mincing monarchy
that's brought us nothing but sorrow
and bloodshed since 1707!
Okay. Okay.
It's not actually my fault
what happened to Scotland, all right?
[sighs] I'm sorry, I
- Okay, I'll level with you, all right?
- Aye.
There's someone on this island
that desperately needs our help.
No, there's nobody on that island.
Nothing there. Nothing but puffin shite.
No, there is, there is, the
[sighs] There are
There are people on that island and we
We also have intel that
they are doing some very bad things
Sanctioned by the English government.
- The English?
- [Sarah] Yeah.
Still at it?
Bastards.
I knew it!
Why didn't you say?
[engine rumbling]
[grunts] Whoa!
So we were going in
completely the wrong direction?
At the risk of mansplaining, aye.
Plus, see this compass?
It's been fucked for a decade.
Oh, fucking hell.
[engine turns off]
[voice] Distance from
tracker: 132 meters.
[chuckles]
Come on.
[groans]
Nev. He shouldn't have left you in pain.
That's just unprofessional, innit?
[Nev groans]
[gunshot]
We gotta go.
[Steph] Is he after us?
[Downey] I'll kill the feed.
Okay, baby, come on.
Come on. Come on.
[suspenseful music playing]
- Where are we going?
- Somewhere safe.
Is there a helicopter coming to get us?
There's a boat,
but right now it's too exposed.
Is he Is he coming for us?
Listen, I'm gonna take you
somewhere to hide, okay?
Come on.
[breathing heavily]
Huh.
[sighs]
[engine humming]
He liked you, my dead husband.
He hardly knew me.
Yeah, and to be fair, he liked everyone.
That was one of the most
irritating things about him.
Were you together a long time?
Too long.
And yet, not long enough.
"When the lights come on at four
At the end of another year?
Give me your arm, old toad;
Help me down Cemetery Road."
Oh, do try and keep up.
I thought you studied English?
That's a Philip Larkin poem.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Joe knew it off by heart,
and he quoted it relentlessly.
He was the archetypal bloodhound.
What, once on a trail,
he'd never give up?
Big, creased and drooling everywhere.
He'd fall in love with total strangers,
wag his tail, and try and solve their
their unsolvable situations.
He was such a kind man.
Yeah. At the same time, bit of an idiot.
Uh, that's what got him killed.
Sniffing away at a trail
he should have known he couldn't finish.
You remind me of him.
What? You just described him as an idiot.
- And an old dog.
- [chuckles] A dog with a bone.
The way you are with Dinah?
That's absolutely what Joe would do.
Well, if you wanna cry or shout
- I won't tell anyone.
- [chuckles]
I just really wanna hurt someone.
[Sarah]
Do you think we're in the right place?
Sadly, no big sign saying
"Weird, off-books facility this way."
We're definitely in the right place.
[Sarah] Oh, my God.
How would you climb up those cliffs?
Maybe it's Spider-Man's boat.
I'll take you round the headland.
It's very choppy.
I'll get you in as far as I can go.
Oh, bloody hell.
[Talia] No, I know. Oh, well done.
Yeah [stammers]
Uh, she's She'll just be a minute.
Well, look, darling,
if you've packed the EpiPen,
there's no reason why
she can't visit the city farm.
Just tell her not to lick any livestock.
Thanks, hon.
Hurrah for the beta cuck husband.
[laughs] I'm kidding. I love him.
He's the reason I can do what I do.
Uh, yes. Now, look
we've had a slightly strange email come
through the government website to Cheski.
Everyone,
can we just huddle in the hub? Please.
- Oh, all right. Well, just give us five.
- Come on.
[Cheski] Minister.
[Talia clears throat]
Yeah, so a source suggests
there's some connection between
a doctor and overseas MOD activities?
No?
Source also claims that
the circumstances surrounding the
doctor's recent death were suspicious.
A mystery source.
Suspicious death. All sounds very vague.
Can you give me the name of the source?
Well, I rather think
if I were to tell you the name,
the source might dry up.
Uh, it's a reliable witness. He's police.
The doctor he's referring to is,
or was, Isaac Wright?
Do you know him?
I think your mystery source is
making mischief.
Hmm. [chuckles]
Okay. Yep. [sucks teeth]
Well, Cheski loves a project, so I'll
just get her to have a little dig around.
But, no, I operate a culture
of trust so [chuckles]
But, of course, if that trust is breached,
there are, as I say to my children,
consequences.
You know, naughty
step. Time-outs. Prison.
So if anything does show up your end,
you will definitely tell us, won't you?
Mmm. [chuckles]
[door opening]
["Train Song" playing]
[Zoë groaning]
[Sarah] Could he really not have
dropped us any closer?
[Zoë] I thought you'd be
the wild swimming type.
Zoë, stop.
Look.
There's land mines.
Shit. We're gonna have to get puffin boy
to drop us somewhere else and
No! Come back!
Slippery fucker.
Zoë! Stop, it's dangerous.
[Zoë] It's bullshit!
They just put those signs there
to scare people.
Fucking hell! [sighs]
[song continues]
[breathing heavily]
Wait for me!
There you go.
The perfect spot for a weird,
off-books facility.
[Steph panting]
[song ends]
[panting] You okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
- You want some water?
- No.
Dinah. Dinah, stay close, all right?
Mm-hmm.
You okay?
No.
I'm supposed to be at a hen weekend,
playing stupid, funny games.
[breathes shakily]
What games?
I don't know. Like
Willy Bingo.
Truth or Dare.
Have you ever played Truth or Dare?
- Not recently.
- You ask questions. Like, um
What's the strangest thing
you've ever eaten?
That's easy.
I once had a pickled walnut, never again.
Mmm. What's your biggest regret?
Taking this job.
What's the bravest
thing you've ever done?
Nothing. [cries]
[humming]
[Steph] What happens to her?
After all
whatever it is that we're here for
[sniffles] happens.
[breathes shakily, sniffles]
She lives a long and happy life.
[humming continues]
[panting]
[Sarah] God. They could be anywhere.
Where are you?
Downey!
- Hello? Anyone?
- [Downey] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[Steph] Bloody hell. Who is that?
Wh-What are they doing out there?
Do you know them?
Dinah?
[Sarah pants] What's that?
[Downey] Sarah! Sarah.
[sighs]
- Dickhead. Why'd you leave
- Just get in.
[whispering] Dinah?
Dinah?
- Hi, Dinah.
- It's okay.
I'm Sarah.
Hi, Sarah.
Oh. Uh, I've, um
I've got something for you.
It's from your friend Ziggy.
It's a bit soggy.
[Zoë] You found her. [breathes heavily]
Hi. I'm Zoë Boehm. You must be Downey.
I met your charming doctor.
I know what they did to you.
I'm sorry. [sighs]
Okay, that's him. That's RoboCock.
- The psycho from the train.
- [shushes]
[shushes]
[sighs]
Three left.
Don't miss. [breathes shakily]
[shushes]
[all exclaim]
[gunfire continues, stops]
[breathes heavily]
[breathes heavily] Hey. Okay?
[grunts]
- [Downey] No!
- Dinah!
[breathes shakily]
[breathes shakily] You're okay.
It's all right.
- [Dinah] I'm okay.
- It's okay.
[breathes shakily]
[Sarah] Oh, my God.
[Sarah whimpers]
[Dinah whimpers]
I'll get the quad.
- No. Don't go out.
- Yeah.
If we stay here, he'll pick us off,
like sitting ducks.
Okay? You take Dinah.
He doesn't know you're here.
We don't have a boat.
When it's safe, you go find his boat.
He must have landed somewhere south.
Yeah, that big inflatable penis.
- What, by the cliffs?
- We saw it.
Wait But there's
no path down that cliff.
I'll draw him away.
Sarah it's me that he wants.
[breathing shakily]
He's right, Sarah. It's time.
[Downey] Baby. Baby, you're gonna go
with Sarah, okay?
- [Dinah] No.
- No, no, you've got to. You've got to.
Be strong. Be brave. Go on. Go on, keep
down. She's gonna look after you now.
- Come here. Good girl. That's it.
- Go on. It's okay.
- Good girl, that's a girl.
- It's okay. It's all right.
[Sarah] It's okay.
You came all this way. For her.
You know what to do.
I'll see you.
- Uncle Mike.
- [shushes]
- [Zoë] We gotta go.
- Yeah.
Go, go, go, go, go.
[all panting]
[footsteps approaching]
[gunshot]
[whispering] Wait.
[ominous music playing]
[engine starts]
[music continues]
[panting]
[vehicle approaching]
[gasps, breathing shakily]
[engine turns off]
[footsteps approach, stop]
[footsteps resume]
[breathes heavily]
[body thuds]
[grunts]
[groans]
[groaning, breathing heavily]
[groaning continues]
[screams, grunting]
I've been dreaming of this moment.
Should I go gun to head,
like you did my little brother?
I don't even know who the fuck you are.
[breathing heavily]
[screams, groaning]
I found bits of Axel's skull
all over the posh paintwork.
[groaning continues]
Tough clean up that one. Tough.
Or shall I blast you through the mouth?
While you watch. Plain brutal.
Then I thought, "I might catch
whatever fuck-awful disease
they gave you, just from the spatter."
So then I'm like, "Nah."
Let's do this nice and slow.
Forget the gun.
Knife through the neck.
[grunts, pants]
Just here.
[gasping]
While you bleed out,
I'll hunt for the little girl,
so she can watch her daddy die.
Maybe I'll finish her
off in front of you.
So you know how it feels
to lose the one you love the most.
You can live out your fucking
Marvel villain fantasy however you like.
[inhales sharply] Just get on with it.
All right.
[choking]
[grunting]
[sniffs]
[melancholy music plays]
[Amos sniffles]
[panting, grunting] Oh, God.
What are you doing?
Oh, there must be a rope or like
or a hook
or-or something I can get down
the cliff with. I just Oh, f
Sarah, you're not gonna find a parachute
or a ski-lift in here.
Come on, Dinah. Let's go.
[grunts]
Is it Downey?
Mm-mmm.
No. Shit. [inhales deeply]
Uh Uh
Okay. [grunts, breathes heavily] Okay.
You get her down to the inflatable.
I'm gonna go back the way we came.
- No, no.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Element of surprise. He doesn't know
we're here. He's gonna follow me.
He And he's not gonna be able to get
that quad all the way down to the beach.
Yeah, but Zoë, Zoë. What
What if I can't get to his boat?
Well, that's not an option.
[breathes shakily] You can do it.
You pick me up where puffin wanker
dropped us off, all right?
- You're gonna love this.
- This plan is fucking batshit.
Sorry.
[stammering]
I can't jump and you'll get killed.
It's all we got.
Wait, wait, wait. What about Downey?
Sarah
Hmm.
Okay. Just stand by me, okay?
Just stand by me.
[gasps] Oh. [shushes]
Okay. Okay. [breathes heavily]
- Now we have to be really brave. Okay?
- Okay. I'll try.
All right. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
[ominous music playing]
- Okay?
- Yeah. [groans]
- [whimpers]
- Maybe there's a path.
Le-let me look. Stay here. Wait here.
Oh, God.
Shit.
[panting]
[gasps]
[groans, panting]
Dinah, we're gonna have to jump.
Dinah, I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
[panting] I ca
What? Are you afraid?
Yeah.
Maybe there's another way down.
- [gunshot]
- [gasps]
Oh! [gasps]
Okay.
Three.
[Zoë grunts]
Two.
[screams]
- One.
- [grunts]
[groaning, panting]
[both screaming]
[both grunting, panting]
[Sarah grunting]
Okay. Dinah, get down.
- You okay? You all right? Okay.
- Yeah.
[panting] Okay.
[panting]
Hold on tight.
[Zoë panting]
Zoë!
We're here! Come on!
Fuck!
[panting]
[gasping, groans]
[exclaiming]
[screams]
[captain] Fucking English.
[softly] Zoë.
Huh.
Oh, Dinah, don't look. Don't look.
Dinah, don't look.
[grunts, panting]
Get down, Dinah. Get down! Get down!
[grunts]
["Bachelorette" plays]
[song continues]