Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[militaristic drum cadence]
- Today nerds are cool,
but in the '80s,
we had a whole class
dedicated to
reminding us we weren't, gym.
[groaning]
- [sniff] I love the smell of
torn underwear in the morning.
- But misery loves company,
and my company was Greg.
I was lucky to have him,
especially because it was the
most miserable time of year,
dodgeball week.
[sighs]
Are you ready for this?
- Here.
I have an extra.
- I don't want
your hand-me-down cup.
- If you don't use one, you'll
need some hand-me-down nuts.
- Dodgeball was five days
of state-sanctioned
child warfare.
It started in PE.
[whistle blows]
Ugh!
[whistle blows]
But it affected
every class in school,
social studies, science.
We weren't even safe
if we were right outside
the principal's office.
Ugh!
Seriously?
Huh?
[mysterious music]
♪
- Thank you for being a friend.
- Greg, I found a way
for us to dodge dodgeball.
- What is it?
Seducing Principal Morello?
You should do that.
You know she likes
her milk chocolate.
- No, look.
It says if students
start a club
based on physical activity,
they're excused from gym class.
We should start a club.
- You're a friggin' genius!
But we gotta do this soon.
I'm running out of underwear.
- And I'm down to my last pair.
[gasps]
And now they're ruined.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- This rules.
We'll finally have a place
where we can chill and not have
things flying at our heads.
- That's why we have
to fly under the radar.
So let's pick an
activity no one likes.
Tennis?
- No way.
White people love tennis.
It's the only sport
we still dominate.
- Not for long.
- What about Jazzercise?
- No, that'll attract girls,
and girls attract bullies.
But something dance-related
could be good.
What's a dance
white people can't do?
Every one of them.
I got it!
- A breakdancing club.
What a fly idea!
You b-boys be busting
moves like in "Breakin' 2:
Electric Boogaloo."
- Right.
- But darn, you need a third
member to start any club,
and unfortunately,
no one else at Tattaglia can
breaka-breaka-break it down.
- No problem.
I know a brother.
Thanks for doing this, Drew.
- Oh, I'm not
doing this for you.
I just love
all the martial arts.
- Breakdancing
is a martial art?
- The robot
is all karate chops.
[grunting]
- I'm so excited you boys are
bringing your urban flavor
to our school.
This is definitely
going in the newsletter.
- Wait, is that black
mold on the walls?
- I don't see color, Chris.
I only see mold.
- My sister Tonya had
attitude and her own key,
which to her
seventh-grade girl gang
meant she was grown
and in charge.
- Uh, algebra
was pretty fun today.
- Yeah, it kind of was.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, I hate algebra.
- Me too, always have.
- But she was about to get
booted by a belly button.
- Damn, Sally.
- Whoa.
A crop top!
- I got my mom
to buy this for me.
Can you believe it?
- You're so lucky.
Here I am, stuck in
these little kid clothes.
- Uh, aren't you cold in that?
- Yeah, but I feel hot.
[both giggling]
- Huh,
anyone seen my house key?
Oh.
[chuckles]
Here it is.
Gotta get home
and let myself in.
Come on.
Aren't you coming?
- Oh, I kind of want a calzone.
- Oh, we'll keep you company!
- Mind if I take
a sip of your drink?
[slurping]
Ahh.
[both slurping]
both: Ahh.
- There was a new
queen bee, and Tonya
was feeling the sting.
- The usual, Julius,
or something fancy today?
- Fancy?
Whatcha gonna do,
paint an 8 on there
and sink him
in the corner pocket?
[laughter]
- Ha-ha.
Just the usual, Manny.
That's how my wife likes it.
How does your wife
like it, Mr. Omar?
Oh, that's right.
You don't got one.
- Ooh.
- Ohh.
- You're right.
I don't have a wife.
I have my customers' wives.
[laughs]
- [whistles]
Would you look at her?
Yo, Monk, let me
hold a dollar so I
can get change and
bounce four quarters off
of that fine behind.
- Look, Mr. Julius.
- Yeah, she's got some,
uh, debris in the caboose.
- What in the name
of high-waisted
jeans are you talking about?
- I don't know
how to explain it.
I kind of have butt blindness.
- The hell you mean
"butt blindness"?
- I can see them, but they
all look the same to me.
I can't tell Grace Jones
from Quincy Jones.
[all gasp]
- You're missing out on one
of life's greatest pleasures.
Tragic!
- Well, I only got eyes
for my wife anyway.
- But you've never really
seen her booty, have you?
- Uh--
[romantic music]
- You see anything
you like, baby?
- Damn, woman.
Looking real lumpy today.
- Lumpy?
The only thing that's gonna
have lumps around here
is your head.
- Ooh.
- What?
- Does she know?
- You crazy.
How can I tell
my wife I haven't
ever really seen her ass?
- From behind
bulletproof glass.
- We're gonna help you.
- It's our duty as men.
[frog ribbits]
[bell rings]
- All right, let's get the
paperwork out of the way.
Official name,
Breakdancing Club.
- What about The Dance Lads?
- No.
OK, president, me.
- When did you
become president?
- This was all Chris's idea.
- None of this matters.
- Then as
co-president, I agree.
- [sighs]
Fine.
You can be co-president.
And Drew can be VP.
- Cool.
- Oh, can I be treasurer, too?
I want an extra picture
in the yearbook.
- I'm gonna go stretch.
- Wait, are we actually gonna
learn how to breakdance?
- No, it's quiet, and if I fall
asleep, no one's gonna write
"King Kong" on my forehead.
So I'm gonna take a nap.
- Well, then,
what am I gonna do?
- [yawns] You're the
treasurer, so treasure
the time you spend not having
stuff thrown at your head.
- [snoring]
[car horns honking]
- Thanks for taking
me shopping, Mama.
- Of course, baby.
None of my kids
gonna look raggedy.
What do you need?
New socks?
Barrettes?
Something else inexpensive?
- Just something a little
more seventh grade, you know?
- Aw, what about this?
It's so cute.
- I was thinking
something more like this.
- The rest of that shirt
better still be on the rack.
- It's a crop top, Mama.
- Why on Earth do
you want me to pay
full price for half a shirt?
- I don't know.
My friend has one.
It's just in, OK?
- Let's find something in that
doesn't have your stomach out.
- [groans] I just want
to look more grown.
- What's wrong with
looking your age?
- What's wrong with
looking more grown?
I shouldn't be walking
around my school
looking like a stripper.
- Mm, that felt personal.
All I wanna do is play
dress-up with you,
and you out here
trying to be a nun.
- Ohh.
- Sweetie, I'm your
mom, and I really
think you should stick with
stuff like this for now, OK?
- OK.
You're right, Mama.
[knock at door]
Please help me.
- [snoring]
[gasps]
Were you gonna write
on my forehead?
- No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I'm bored.
Hey, I have an idea.
Motion to invite
girls to the club.
- Greg, I like girls, too.
Everyone likes girls.
But everyone includes
bullies, and bullies
will give us wedgies
in front of the girls.
Is that what you want?
- Maybe we should vote on it.
- Greg, no!
Absolutely not!
- Yeah, this is Chris's club.
- OK, fine.
No girls.
[both gasp]
- You look hot upside down.
- Augh!
- Whoa, what's this?
Some guests
of the female persuasion?
Ladies, come in.
- What the hell, man?
- It's just two girls
from my chemistry class.
Don't worry.
Ladies, welcome to my club.
Ugh, filled out
a ton of paperwork.
So tiring.
Do you mind if I rest
my carpal tunnels?
- He's taking advantage of you.
- No, he's not.
- I'm here for Greg's club.
- This is a little
conservative,
but this will look cute on you.
- [gasps]
You'd let me have that?
- Um, I'll let you borrow it.
Stand up.
Yes!
You see that, Tasha?
This is how you make
your mommy proud of you.
- I made principal's list
for the 50th week in a row.
- And I've been on
parole for 48 weeks,
but you don't see me bragging.
Let me see your face, girl.
You got pretty eyes, Tonya.
- Really?
- Mm.
We gotta use them.
Get you back on top with
your little girl gang.
Now hold up the top with it.
Mm-hmm.
We do that,
maybe some earrings.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Check yourself out!
- Damn, I look grown enough
to buy a lottery ticket.
[bell rings]
- The next day, my
brother looked forward
to breaking while
I looked forward
to actually taking a break.
[indistinct chatter]
Damn it.
But Greg had turned
our club into da club.
- "Damn it"?
That's it?
Even your bully is here.
Be more mad.
- Why?
It's just Greg being Greg.
- Well, Greg is selfish.
Isn't he always like this?
- Uh--
- Thanks, homey.
- At least it's
two against one.
Ugh!
- Hi, Chris.
What's going on?
- Chris pooped his pants
yesterday, but my underwear?
Bone dry.
Eh, it's a numbers game.
- Chris,
he is not a good friend.
You need to
stand up for yourself.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Greg, this is supposed
to be our thing.
Get these people out of here.
- No, I want girls here.
- Nice club, Chris.
Here's my membership fee.
[together] Ooh!
- Ow!
See?
I told you girls
would bring bullies!
We're supposed to look
out for each other,
but you only care
about yourself.
So as president,
I say we vote you out.
- As VP, I second.
- Well, as co-president and
treasurer, I get two votes,
and I vote I stay.
- He thinks his
vote is twice mine?
That's even worse than the
Three-Fifths Compromise.
[together] Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
- That's not how
we solve things.
I came to check on
you guys, and it looks
like I arrived just in time.
There's only one way
to resolve this--
a breakdance battle
here, tomorrow.
- Seriously?
That's the only way?
- It's the only way
I can make sure I have
my good camera
to take pictures.
[funky music]
♪
- [chuckling]
Hey.
- Whoa.
- Damn, Tonya.
- [giggles]
What?
- [sighs]
What'll it be?
- I'm trying to piss off my
boss enough to get severance.
What's your nastiest flavor?
- The Chitlin' Juice glazed.
I should just stop making it.
- Gross.
Give me a dozen.
[gasps]
Oh, hell no!
- You think my crop
top is too short,
or is it cool my house key
pokes out from under it?
[dramatic music]
Ah!
Mama, what are you doing?
- You think you grown now, huh?
Let's go.
I'm gonna beat the
pepperoni out your behind.
[laughter]
[funky music]
- Let's start with an easy one.
Pretend this is a small butt.
How would you
describe its shape?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, pineapple!
♪
That's Vanessa Williams.
Nope.
Janet Jackson.
Nope.
Bob Newhart.
- Maybe you just need
glasses to see them asses.
Now, which one is Kill Moves?
- Uh, it's a trick question.
They're both Kill Moves.
- Damn, you're not just butt
blind, you're bum blind.
- None of this is working.
It's like I'm not
even a Black man.
- You just spent seven
hours at a barbershop.
You Black.
- Still,
tough break, Mr. Julius.
- But hey, thanks for reminding
us not to take booties
for granted.
- The next time I see
a big beautiful behind,
I'm gonna tell it
how much I love it.
- 20 minutes later,
he got arrested
for harassing a police horse.
- Peaches, open the damn door!
- My mom hadn't been
this mad at Peaches
since, well, the last time
she interacted with Peaches.
- Don't make me get
my battering ram!
Oh, hi, baby.
Is your mommy home?
- I'm right here.
Go watch TV.
- I need to prepare
for bible study.
- You're gonna
study for a study?
Oh, my god.
Sometimes, I swear, I wonder
if she's even my daughter.
Then I remember how
she wrecked my--
- Peaches, did you
dress up my daughter
in your hoochie clothes?
- Yeah, I bought all these
fly clothes for Tasha,
and she won't wear them.
I'm sorry, Rochelle.
I was just trying
to have some fun.
- You can't do whatever you
want just because it's fun.
- Damn, you sound like my mom.
- Oh, please.
- My mom was so strict, never
let me wear what I wanted,
embarrassed me in front of all
my friends, but I showed her.
The day I turned 18,
I got out the house
and did whatever
I wanted, partying,
drinking, messing around.
Well, except after
Tasha was born.
I couldn't hook up with
anybody for months.
My downstairs was a mess.
- Thank you, Peaches.
- You're welcome.
Wait, for what?
- I didn't know how to
breakdance, but luckily,
neither did Greg.
- Give him a Bed-Stuy beatdown!
But don't beat him so badly
he ends up racist forever.
- This should be over quickly.
- All righty, b-boys.
Whichever one of you can get
the crowd most hyped wins.
Chris, you go first.
[funky music]
- [grunting]
OK.
Mm.
Ahh!
[cheers and applause]
- That was terrible, but I
bet Greg will be even worse.
[funky music]
- My turn.
[together]
Oh! Ooh!
- [grunting]
[chuckles]
[together]
Ohh! Damn!
- How did his white ass
learn to do all that?
- White people
had a secret tool
to learn how to breakdance,
Alfonso Ribeiro.
♪
- Now watch this, suckas.
Ah!
Ow.
Ow.
My neck.
Oh, god, I think I
swallowed my Adam's apple.
[together]
Boo!
- Ow!
- Uh-oh.
This feels lawsuit-y.
Uh, the club is canceled.
Everyone, back to regular gym.
- Ugh!
- I'll go warm up
my dodgeball arm.
- If something happens, can
I have your baseball cards?
- [groans]
- If you're gonna
whup me again,
can you wait until
I finish my algebra?
It's hard to solve for Y
when all I can think about
is why my butt stings.
- I'm not gonna
whup you, but help
me understand, why is dressing
all grown so important to you?
- Remember my friend Sally?
She got a crop top,
and now everyone's
paying more attention to her.
I just feel kicked to the curb.
- I guess me bugging out
like I did at the pizza
parlor didn't help.
- Yeah.
- [sighs] When I saw you
wearing those clothes,
I was mad as hell, but I
was more upset that you
went to Peaches
because you felt
like you couldn't talk to me.
I don't want you to
become like Peaches.
- I don't wanna be Peaches!
- Oh, thank god.
- I mean, Peaches has
some cute outfits,
but sometimes
she be looking crazy.
- So what do you want?
- I guess I just want my
friends to still respect me.
But I also wanna
wear what I want.
But that crop top made
my belly feel cold.
I don't know what to do.
- Well,
I'm glad you came to me.
- Uh, you came in here.
- Tonya, do you want
me to fix this or not?
- Yes, fine, yes.
- OK.
Well, here's what you're gonna
say to your little friends.
- You know, you should really
eat something before dodgeball.
- No, it's better to get
hit on an empty stomach.
- Are you sure?
You got no muscle, so you
should have a little fat
to absorb the blows.
- [sighs]
- Isn't it better
to not have to deal
with that selfish clown?
- Yeah, I guess.
- You're better
off without him.
Now you can get real good at
"Solitaire" or, like, thinking.
- Hey, Jerome.
What are you doing here?
- It just didn't
sit right with me
to give up on you
like that, brother.
There's something blocking you.
We need to go deeper.
Are you down for some hypnosis?
- You know how to do hypnosis?
- I took a course.
You don't think
I got aspirations?
Damn.
- At this point,
what have I got to lose?
- OK.
Now follow the watch.
- Hey, that's my watch!
- You wanna be fixed or not?
Now follow the watch.
Follow the watch.
[mystical music]
[organ music]
- Sweet baby Jesus!
- What are you looking at, son?
- What?
- You wanna go to hell?
You're breaking one of
the Ten Commandments!
Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's backside!
- [groans]
- That's it!
My dad scared the love
of butts out of me!
What do I do?
- I'll just hypnotize
that out of you.
Follow the watch.
You were once blind,
but now you can see.
Butts, bottoms, tushies,
booties,
derrieres, dat ass.
All right, moment of truth.
Whose butt is this?
- [gasps]
Pam Grier.
And that one is
different than that one.
I can see Pam Grier's butt!
- Yo, keep it down!
Your wife might hear you.
- My wife?
Baby, I'm coming for your ass!
[all slurping]
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey, Tonya.
- That was pretty crazy
the other day with your mom.
- [snorts, coughs]
Sorry, it's not funny.
- Nah, it's all right.
Y'all haven't seen
her, have you?
- Your mom?
No.
Why?
[gasps]
Here she comes.
Why is she following you?
- She got me on a tight
watch because last night,
I called her a bitch.
- [gasps]
- Whoa.
- Dang, Tonya.
You're bad.
- Mind if I take
a sip of your soda?
[funky music]
♪
Thank you.
- [sighs]
My girl is back on top.
Damn, I'm a good mother.
- Ooh-whee!
Look at that ass!
- You catcalling mother--
Julius, what are you doing?
And why do you have that
goofy grin on your face?
- I'm seeing things
I've never seen before.
You're just so fine.
- OK, Julius, calm down.
Let's get you home.
[sultry music]
- It's so beautiful.
[militaristic drum cadence]
- With Greg injured,
I was on my own.
- [grunting]
Damn it, forgot my cup.
- Do you want me to destroy
your left nut or right nut?
- Left.
Oh!
- It's only lightly used.
- Ow.
- [groans]
- I realized Greg
wasn't the best friend,
but he was a friend.
And for now,
that was good enough.
- By the way, I,
uh, got this for you
since I know you couldn't
eat before dodgeball.
both:
Can't play on a full stomach.
- [chuckles]
- I'm sorry for
ruining our club.
I'll try to be a better friend.
- Thanks, Greg.
[gasps, groans]
- Starting tomorrow,
I'll be a better friend.
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
- Sally,
come back here, young lady.
- Tina, you OK?
- Sally just called me a bitch.
Where is she picking
this stuff up?
[funky music]
- MTV ♪