Funny AF with Kevin Hart (2026) s01e07 Episode Script

1
- [indistinct chatter]
- [clapping]
Hi, how are you?
- Hi, how's it going?
- It's going.
Usama. What's happening?
What's happening?
Uh, what advice do you give
the comic of new
or the seasoned comic
that's in this position right now
to walk away with a lifetime opportunity?
You can be better
than you normally are tonight.
You know what I mean?
I don't know if you watched the playoffs
the last couple of days.
Every now and then,
there's always one player
that plays better than he actually is.
That could be you.
You're saying some shit just now.
I'm not even performing.
I'm like, "Did I do"
[all laughing]
So I'm thinking
of the last shit that I did.
- Was I better than I was?
- Even better!
- Did I do it better than I was?
- Sometimes you do it better.
I-- I will just champion that by saying
I am excited to see you guys
take the stage tonight.
I'm excited to see what you do
with this next piece of opportunity.
But I'm also excited to tell you, like,
you know, job well done in getting here.
So, be comfortable in knowing
that you didn't waste your time.
Be comfortable in knowing
that people see you,
people are laughing with you.
That's your reason and purpose
for being here.
So, go do your job tonight.
Go do your fucking job.
And I'm looking to celebrate you,
yet again, at the end. Okay?
Get fucking comfortable.
I'm excited to see
you guys perform tonight. All right?
- [indistinct chatter]
- Thank you, guys.
[energetic music playing]
[Kevin] I went in search
of the next generation of comedy,
- from coast to coast
- [audience cheering]
and what I found blew me away.
Look at this little nugget.
[Kevin] We put them through their paces.
- The next stage will be a roast.
- Oh, God.
[Kevin] And I have to be honest,
the standard was sky high.
Marshawn can't tell
fucking white people apart, man.
[audience laughing]
Marshawn has taken more shots
to the face than Nikki.
[audience gasps]
Tonight, you guys are doing topical
and crowd work.
White lady. If you could have any power,
what would it be?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Maybe the power to think? Come on now.
- [audience laughing]
That might have been the best
out of the night.
[Kevin] Now six of them have something
life-changing within reach,
their own Netflix special.
Tonight, the world will be deciding
who is going to the finals
with live voting in real time.
Making it all the way
to the semis is crazy.
It's scary. What is the world like?
We don't know.
I'm excited to get to the next level.
It's still not over.
I'm feeling nervous as hell.
We're here because we want to win,
so let's go.
One shot, no edits.
I'm scared, but I'm ready.
["Different Level" playing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
I wanna grow to be the man that I know
Claim the honor ♪
They ask me if I'm gonna tell
And I say No, Your Honor" ♪
[audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Such an amazing crowd. Such good energy.
Shouts out to everybody up top.
Shouts out to everybody in the back.
[audience cheering]
Shouts out to everybody in the front.
Oh, my gosh.
Shouts out to all of you at home, man.
I want to welcome you guys to Funny AF.
I want to let you know
that we are live in Los Angeles.
- [audience cheering]
- Yes. Live!
All right, guys. This is the semi-finale.
Semi-final, semi-finale,
whatever you want to say.
And tonight, guess what?
Here's good news.
You at home, you get to decide
who moves forward
to tomorrow night's live finale,
guys, which is a big deal.
A very big deal.
Now let me explain
to you how it works.
Pay attention. We got six comics, okay?
First, we'll watch three comics.
After you watch the three comics,
you'll then vote
for your favorite to move on.
Then we'll watch
the remaining three comics.
And again, you at home,
you will vote for your favorite comic.
But it's not over for the comedians
that don't make it through.
Well, here's why.
Because they'll have one more chance
to win your vote later on
in the show, all right?
So by the end of the night,
four comics will be moving on
to tomorrow's live finale.
You guys understand that so far?
You with me so far?
[audience cheering, applauding]
Now, you guys know
that I've been doing this
for a long time, all right?
A very long time.
Uh, I don't need to say how long
because it shows my age.
So we can just understand. I've been
doing it for a very long time, man.
And I've shared the stages
with some incredible people.
But when I tell you that tonight,
tonight is special.
Please believe me when I say that.
Uh, and it's because of my guest.
My guest is one
of the greatest comedians of all time.
I do mean that. I don't say that lightly.
I say it wholeheartedly, and I'm honored
to call this man a friend,
a brother, more importantly, damn it,
he's a fucking icon.
- He is a legend.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
He's a mentor.
Instead of me talking about him,
why don't I just bring him out.
Please make some noise
for my brother, Chris Rock.
- Come on out, Chris.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
I'm the boss
Came up from the bottom ♪
Made my way up to the top ♪
Something like a rocket
Yeah, we be taking off ♪
Yeah, something like a ♪
Yeah, something like a god ♪
[Chris] Oh!
- Thank you.
- [Kevin] Yes, yes.
Yes.
- [Chris] Thank you, thank you.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- Look at that.
- Oh!
Look at that, Chris.
All right.
All right.
- Thank you.
- All right.
All right.
That's enough.
- Fuck.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
[laughs] You look at me, I'm getting mad.
- All right.
- All right.
He deserves it, man.
Welcome, dude. Welcome.
Hey, hey, thanks for having me.
- Yes. Uh
- Thanks for having me, Kev.
Uh, Chris, by the way,
y'all don't understand this, man.
Chris don't come out the fucking house.
Chris does not come out the house.
Chris don't do shit.
Chris is at a point in his career
where he's like, "Don't fucking call me."
"I'm not doing shit. I'm chilling."
But I get you to do shit.
- I get you to come out.
- You do. You do.
- This is a big deal, man.
- This is a big, big deal.
It's a really big deal, Chris.
- [audience cheering]
- Uh, as you know
As you know, man,
I've been very much, like, adamant
about finding the next voice in comedy.
- Uh, the next
- Yes.
The next person that takes on
what we would love to see,
uh, be the next stages
of success in our craft.
And tonight, I love the fact
that you're here
- to support me on that journey.
- I am.
More importantly more importantly,
watch the people
that have made it this far.
I feel like your eyes and your input after
will be so valuable to them
because it was so valuable to me.
So that's why you're here, man,
because of the nuggets you gave me
I feel like you'll be able to give
- to this next generation, brother.
- Thank you.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Thank you.
Well, let's hope I can, uh, you know,
I can, uh, help somebody
get over the hump
- Yeah, yeah.
- tonight.
Uh, do you feel like
they will get more nervous
when they see you out in the crowd?
- Oh, yes, they better.
- [Kevin] They better.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]
- They better.
- [Kevin] They better. [chuckles]
- I might have a job for them.
- Okay. [laughs]
- [audience cheering]
I like it. I like it.
Okay, listen, tonight, guys,
you at home watching live,
you will decide the top four
with your votes.
And, yes, you do have
to be watching live to vote.
I repeat, you have
to be watching live to vote.
So let's test the voting out now
because I want to make sure
that we all have this,
and I want to make sure it works.
Grab your TV remote.
Go ahead. I'll give you a second. Grab it.
You got it, all right, okay.
Now that you have it,
I want you to understand,
you will have one minute
to answer this question below.
Who is your favorite
stand-up comedian of all time?
- It's a tough one.
- Tough one.
- I know it's a tough one.
- Eddie Murphy is mine.
And I mean, honestly,
how do you narrow it down?
I don't know. I don't know.
Uh, okay. All right, guys. Here you go.
It's time for you to vote.
And if you have any trouble,
make sure that you update
the latest Netflix app.
- Andrew Dice Clay.
- No, no. That's not your favorite comic.
All right. If you got any trouble,
make sure you update your Netflix app,
or you can bring any questions
to the Netflix Help Center online.
Um
Okay, look, Chris,
it looks like the results are in.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, let's see. Let's see.
- And the winner is
- And the winner is
Oh, this is gonna shock you.
This is crazy.
It's-- No, it's Kevin Hart.
They all chose me.
- They chose me.
- [audience applauding]
- They all chose--
- Kevin Hart.
- Yeah, they chose me. It says Kevin Hart.
- [chuckles]
Now, I will tell you guys
in the audience
All the voters work for Capital One.
- [chuckles]
- [audience chuckling]
- [chuckles]
- [audience applauding]
Listen, it's Chase Bank.
- Goddamn it, man. Chase Bank.
- [audience chuckling]
- Chase Bank.
- Fuck, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Now, for you guys, I will say
that I was the only option
to vote at the bottom.
I just made it Kevin Hart,
Kevin Hart, Kevin, Kevin.
so this way
I wouldn't get my feelings hurt.
But as we do now know,
the voting does work.
So, Chris, I don't think
we waste any time, man.
- No time.
- I don't think we waste time.
We got an amazing crowd here.
- We got an amazing audience at home.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Let's go in
and let's get to the competition.
All right, guys, you know the rules.
You know the rules.
First up, a small-town comedian
who has taken on the world.
It's Winston Hodges.
- [Chris] Winston Hodges.
- [audience applauding]
- [upbeat music playing]
- Generally, my comedy is not very mean.
I'm just, like, really nervous
because I want to do a good job.
Winston. Very smart.
Ability to misdirect the audience.
I recently moved to Washington, D.C.,
and I found this out.
D.C. has been ranked
the third gayest city in America.
Uh, I am straight
and competitive as hell, so
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]
I was like, how many dicks to first.
Brother, what's the number?
He has a very honest approach to him.
I love you three.
I love you three so much, man.
- We got fucking beast mode, least mode
- [audience laughing]
- yeast mode. [chuckles]
- [audience chuckling]
Oh, my God. [laughs]
[Kevin] Whether it's the nervous energy,
whether it's the erratic approach,
he somehow smooths himself out.
- There's no one like him.
- Nobody like him.
[Kevin] I think he's creating
a style of his own.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [music concludes]
[Kevin] Indeed he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up
for Winston Hodges!
- [upbeat music playing]
- [audience applauding]
[music concludes]
[chuckles] Oh, man, hell yeah.
And since we're on Netflix, man,
it's important for me to say this.
Uh, my name is Winston,
and it would be awesome
if you all would quit
naming your fucking dogs that.
You know what I mean?
I'm all [chuckles]
I'm all fed up on it, brother.
I'm 35 years old.
I've met seven to eight thousand dogs
named Winston, and every last one of them
is a little piece of shit
that can't breathe.
He can't breathe.
Every dog named Winston is just
an English bulldog with a CPAP machine.
Every every last one, dude.
I don't know, man.
There's all types of animals
named Winston right now.
It's a popular animal name.
And I know it's a popular animal name
because my mother's favorite pastime
is she likes to screenshot
the Instagram profiles
of different animals named Winston.
And she forwards these to me every day
as a constant reminder
of how many animals
have better careers than me.
You know what I mean?
Every day, every day, dude.
It's true, man.
She fucked me up three months ago.
I woke up to two photographs
and one message from my mother.
The first photograph was of
a bearded dragon lizard named Winston,
and the second photograph
was of what I can only describe
as the fattest pig
that I have ever seen. [chuckles]
And I woke up to those two photos
with one message from my mother,
and all it said was,
"Woke up, saw these two,
could not help but think of you."
And I think that that's a form
of domestic terrorism
is what I think that is, dude.
Yeah, I think it should be against the law
to send a photograph of a lizard and a pig
to your chubby son with eczema.
You know what I mean, I think?
That's an issue, man, dude.
I love comedy so much, man.
I don't hate my old jobs, though.
I used to teach. I used to teach history
at a school for autism.
That was my full-time job.
I appreciate it.
- I appreciate that, man.
- [audience applauding]
I [chuckles]
I do only tell y'all that I used to teach
at a school for autism
because it's very important for me
that every person watching right now knows
that I do not give a shit
how you feel about me.
I've never given a shit
how you feel about my comedy.
- Uh
- [audience applauding]
Because it will never change the fact
that I'm a way
fucking better person than you.
You know what I mean? It doesn't--
It will never change that.
I sleep like a baby every night,
all right? [chuckles]
I had one guy come up to me after a show
and he got in my face and he goes,
"Oh, yeah,
you think you're better than me?"
He goes, "You think you're hot shit?"
He goes, "I'm a veteran of two wars."
And I was like, "Damn, brother."
Unless that platoon was autistic.
[mumbles, chuckles]
[audience chuckling]
You know what I mean?
And they were. He was Coast Guard.
So, I thought
- that was pretty impressive of him.
- [audience cheering]
I left teaching for one reason
and one reason only.
I left teaching
because when I was teaching,
there was a big discussion going on
about whether or not
they should give teachers guns.
You know what I mean?
And I'm pro Second Amendment,
but I never wanted
a firearm in my classroom.
I mean, my basic thoughts
are if you open or conceal carry
and you don't have a history
of violent crime
or a severe mental illness
and you want a gun,
I'm fine with you having it.
And I know that that's not
everybody's background.
So, before I do,
"My teacher have a gun" joke,
I do generally like to check
- the vibe in the room.
- [audience chuckling]
[chuckles] Raise your hand
if you've never shot a gun.
Who's never shot a gun?
Put your hand there.
You've never shot a fucking gun?
Holy shit, Kevin,
could you get my backpack real quick?
Is there any way?
[chuckles] I'm just kidding.
I didn't bring enough to share, you know.
- [audience chuckling]
- I [chuckles] I don't know, man.
You got to think about
what you're asking teachers to do
when you give them a gun.
You're asking me, in a crisis situation,
to stand up
in a room full of terrified children.
You're asking me to grab my gun.
You're asking me to load my gun
with bullets they made me pay for.
They didn't put that shit in the budget.
Yeah, ask any educator you know, man.
The county doesn't pay
for dry erase markers.
I don't think they're going
to cover nine millimeter.
You know what I mean?
That's just true, brother.
Yeah, man. [chuckles]
I'll tell you, man,
either I'm paying for them
or I hope y'all are ready
for one hell of a back to school list.
You know what I mean?
I'm really shaking the vibe up.
The only argument I've ever heard
that like made a little bit of sense
about teachers having guns
is I do have a family member
that was like,
"Winston, we just want
a last line of defense."
And I was like, "All right, man,
if you want educators
to be a last line of defense
in this country,
you can't just give us a gun."
"You need to motivate educators
a little bit more than that, right?"
Like, I'm not going to kill somebody
just because you gave me a gun.
But my tune would be a hell
of a lot different if instead of a gun,
you just came up to me
and you were like, "Hey, Mr. Hodges, um,
for every active shooter that you kill
[chuckles] uh,
we are prepared to direct deposit
1.7 million dollars."
- [audience cheering]
- [chuckles]
Yeah, brother, on a teacher's salary,
I'll turn into John Wick.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't think
Yeah, the only problem you run into
if you start paying teachers
to stop active shooters,
you're going to have broke teachers
going up to the weird kids
every day being like,
"You know, David was talking shit, right?"
"I'm just saying, maybe you want
to come in here tomorrow
and change both our lives."
You know what I mean?
I've been Winston Hodges, everybody.
I appreciate you, man.
- Thank you, man. [laughs]
- [audience cheering]
[Winston cheers]
Winston Hodges.
Show him some more love
one more time, y'all.
- Show Winston some love.
- [audience cheering]
You know, Winston, I say it, man.
I've said it to you a couple times.
I just admire your choice of material.
I always have.
Uh, I love how I feel like I just know
more and more about you
as this competition goes on.
And I love that you don't care.
Like, you don't care
how the context is perceived
because you make it so easy
to understand you
and your world and your environment.
It's so your point of view, man.
So good job on just really,
really presenting that.
- [audience cheering]
- [Kevin] What'd you think, Chris?
Uh, Winston, so you have a gun.
- [Kevin laughs]
- [laughs]
- If you don't win, I got a gun, too.
- [all laughing]
- [Chris] Just letting you know.
- I appreciate you.
- Don't get no ideas, motherfucker.
- [Winston] Yeah, absolutely.
[Kevin] I'm with Chris.
- [Winston laughs]
- No, I don't have a gun.
I'm just saying I'm with him, so you
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Winston.
Please show him some love.
Get out of here, Winston.
[audience cheering]
We're in it, man.
We are in the competition right now.
- We are here, right?
- The head is square.
Got that Drew Carey thing happening,
you know?
Yeah, a little bit, right?
A little Drew Carey.
And you know what's funny?
I saw it, but I didn't want to say it.
Drew Carey taking some Drew Carey pills.
You said it live, so now I got to admit
that I fucking thought about it.
- Drew Carey made a ton of money.
- He did. He did.
He made a ton of money.
Don't be mad at Drew Carey.
- He has a big house somewhere right now.
- [laughs]
- With bitches.
- Okay. All right.
Okay. That's our cue to keep it going.
Y'all ready for some more jokes? Yeah?
Ladies and gentlemen,
our second comic came out swinging
at the Roast of Marshawn Lynch.
She's Olivia Carter!
Your socks kill shit. Come on.
- [upbeat music playing]
- Hey! You better show it off, girl.
[Kevin] Olivia Carter,
the least experienced, but still a killer.
I just love her demeanor.
I love her style.
I just asked out my personal trainer,
and he said, "Sorry,
I'm not attracted to you."
And I was like,
"Well, whose fault is that?"
[all laughing]
She is a great writer.
Usama is from Bangladesh,
so he actually eats pussy with his hands.
[all laughing]
- Yeah.
- Holy shit.
[Kevin] Your jokes are hidden,
your punchlines are delayed,
and they have never not paid off.
She's very good
at staying true to herself,
which I think is a talent
within the craft of comedy.
- [music concludes]
- [Kevin] Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Olivia Carter!
Whoa! Yes!
Keep it going for me! Yes!
Up until a year ago, I've been sitting
in the passenger seat
with the Uber driver.
- Which I've now learned is insane.
- [audience chuckles]
I just didn't want them to think
I was using them for the ride, you know?
And I had to stop because I got into one
and the guy panicked.
And he was like, "Oh, um, okay."
"Um I feel I should disclose
under my seat is a firearm."
And I was like, "Okay."
Um
"I feel that I should disclose
you're taking me to an urgent care
because I have a yeast infection."
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
Kinda looks like we're both sitting
on a little secret, ha.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
I'm just not
I'm not very good with social rules.
Like clap if you feel like
on the first date
- the man should pay.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
I feel like in this modern world
it should just be the person
that's trying to fuck the other person.
You know, the man, you know?
And then, you know,
if two women go out, the waiter pays.
[audience laughing]
And if two guys go out,
my dad loses his mind.
- Um
- [audience chuckles]
And my boyfriend now, he has a stutter.
He has a speech impediment.
And I'll overhear women say stuff
like, "My boyfriend, he can't get it up."
And I'm like,
"Mine can't get it out, you know?" Um
[audience laughing]
And people will ask me all the time,
they'll be like,
"Does he stutter during sex?"
"Does he stutter during sex?"
And I'm like, "Yes, of course he does."
That would be so weird
if he just miraculously
I was just like, "Oh, my God."
"Let's set up your voicemail box,
you know?"
[audience cheering]
Yeah, and I babysat his niece
the other day.
That felt like a test
to see if I could be a mom,
and I wanted to prove that
I could be a mom, so I called her fat.
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
Said she was dressed
like a whore, you know. Um
But don't worry,
he wasn't there to hear it
because he was practicing being a dad.
So, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Where are my dads at? Make some noise.
[audience cheering]
Yeah. See, you're not home, you know.
But I don't know
if we're going to have kids
because he plays the trumpet.
He's very good at it, but one time
he kind of ate me out like
[buzzing lips]
[audience cheering, applauding]
It was the hardest I ever came. Um
[audience laughing]
And all his friends
are getting married
or his best friend
just got engaged
and I don't like his fiancé.
I talk about it a lot publicly. Um
I just think she sucks ass, you know.
She hasn't worked in like two years
because she's trying
to write a children's book.
Which can't take more
than an hour, you know.
And I know she doesn't like me
either, because she's always like,
"God, you're so thin."
And I'm like,
so are children's books.
[audience laughing]
And I'm trying to figure out
how I'm going to ruin their wedding,
and I've decided I'm going to lose
a concerning amount of weight,
you know, like a conversation's worth
amount of weight.
And then I'm going
to roll up there like, "Hey!"
- [audience laughing]
- "I'm on a hunger strike,
until the children of America
get a new book." [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
- Thank you, that's my time.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Yes.
Olivia Carter.
Olivia, uh [chuckles]
I'm just impressed with your writing.
Just more and more. Um
You know, your ability
to weave in and out of topics.
You make it a conversation.
It's so easy
to stay with you throughout.
Your cadence, your poise,
you stay in the pocket
like I've told you previously.
Um, I just think it's impressive.
- Good job. Chris, what do you think?
- Thank you.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Great, great.
I mean, yeah, jokes are really good.
You, uh
As Chappelle always says,
you stand flat-footed.
Like, you don't feel this need to,
like, kiss people's asses.
Like, here's the jokes.
Either you take it or not.
- So, I thought it was really great.
- [Olivia] Thank you.
- Really good.
- [Olivia] Thanks.
[Kevin] Guys, show some love
one more time.
- Olivia Carter!
- Whoo!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [Kevin] Olivia Carter.
It's such a real thing,
like, standing flat-footed.
Yeah, yeah. She's just like, yeah,
- my man before killed
- Yeah.
- and didn't faze her at all.
- No.
Came out and, to your point,
stayed in the pocket.
- Yeah.
- This is what I am. Here's what it is.
- Take it and receive it or not.
- Yeah. Yeah.
We're going to be fine no matter what.
- You guys having a good time? Yes?
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Oh, my God.
All right, guys, last time out,
this comic said
that he was fucking terrified.
Then after that,
he got a standing ovation.
This is Usama Siddiquee.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Usama possesses all the makings
of a star.
Have y'all's moms ever tried
to set you up with somebody before?
They always choose someone
based on what they want.
It's never like,
"Usama, you have to meet Lucy."
- "She bangs on the first date."
- [audience laughing]
Stage presence, personality, writing.
It is okay to put on a few pounds
after leaving the NFL,
but Jesus, I didn't know you were gonna go
from beast mode to breast mode. Jesus.
[audience laughing]
He's different than anything
we've ever seen.
All Black dudes are homophobic as fuck,
but they're funny about it, right?
Because when they want
to call someone gay, they'll be like,
"Your friend, Jimmy,
a little, uh, loose in the shoes."
[audience laughing]
To introduce difficult subject matter
and make it light and funny.
He's charming
because his energy looks fun.
He's raw. He's real.
The question is, will he do it again?
[audience cheering, applauding]
- [Kevin] Here he is! It's Usama Siddiquee!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
[upbeat music playing]
[Usama] What's up? How y'all doing?
- [audience cheering]
- [Usama chuckling]
Hello. What's up?
Y'all are amazing.
Y'all are amazing. What's up?
Um, my name is Usama.
No rel no relation.
[groans]
Mom was terrified after 9/11.
She was like, "Usama,
do you want to change your name
to something a little less Muslim?"
Swear to God, she said,
"How about Hussein?" [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
- Very lateral move, Mom.
Hussein? I was thinking more Gregory.
[chuckles] You know what I'm saying?
- Brian.
- [audience laughing]
Still getting the shit for the name too.
I was at JFK airport a couple weeks ago.
I was in line.
A friend I had not seen in years sees me
from across the airport, screams my name.
In the airport, just goes,
"Oh, my God, it's Usama!"
[audience laughing]
Is there a worse thing
you can scream in an airport?
Then he makes it worse.
He's like, "Oh, my God,
I thought you were dead."
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
"Dude, I haven't seen you
since September."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
- "Where have you been hiding?" [retches]
- [audience laughing]
I'm freaking out.
Every TSA officer looking at me
with that face that says
Guantanamo Bay on it, right?
So, I'm like, all right, let me defuse.
Let me show my friend
I recognize him, right?
So, I gave my friend one of these.
But this looks less like an I know you
and more like the plan is a go.
[audience laughing]
He was like, "Usama!"
I was like, "Commence operation."
[audience laughing]
Y'all are great. Y'all are amazing.
My mom is here too.
Old school Bengali lady.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Love her. Love her.
Still still whoops my ass to this day.
Clap it up if parents
whooped your ass growing up.
- Clap it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Minorities clapping. White people,
"You mean, like, timeouts?" [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
"I mean, I was in my room a lot.
Does that count?"
"Okay, your mom whooped your ass,
but, like, my mom
whooped my spirit, okay? So"
[audience laughing]
My mom whooped me every day.
Every day. I was actually born White.
[audience laughing]
All this is just bruises, you know?
And I love her, but she crazy.
Like one time,
I just left my socks on the floor.
She's like, "Hey, Usama,
don't leave your socks on the floor."
- "I never should have had you."
- [audience laughing]
In one sentence,
she went from socks to abortion.
- [audience laughing]
- Like a cold bitch.
But it was funny,
you know, no English on her.
You know, one time she tried to beat me.
I got so mad.
I was like, "Mom, you can't."
Swear to God, she was like,
"Don't tell me what I can't do."
- [laughs] "Usama!"
- [audience laughing]
Do I care she whooped me?
No, because my mom would whoop me
and then feed me
Bengali Indian food afterwards.
- Y'all know. Indian food.
- [audience laughing]
- Indian food is so good.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Indian food is so good,
it kind of undoes child abuse, right?
My mom would hit me.
I'd be like, "Yo, fuck you, Mom."
Have one bite of her chicken curry.
Be like, "She never should have had me."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
I get it.
That's why I feel bad
for White people who got beat
because their cuisine also sucks.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Can you imagine getting hit by your dad
and having green bean casserole?
Like, "Huh? Huh?"
One bite of green bean casserole,
you're like, "Dad, just molest me again."
- You know what I'm saying?
- [audience laughing]
Jesus Christ.
[chuckles] Middle row laughing.
Left side having flashbacks.
I see y'all. Stay with me.
[audience laughing]
That's the thing. My mom was crazy.
Muslim, intense, grew up Muslim.
Anyone else clap it up? Grew up Muslim.
- [audience applauding faintly]
- Wow, okay. [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
- Whoa, in the back. Just kept y'all there.
Okay, three Muslims.
So, three people
in this room going to heaven.
- Okay, all right.
- [audience laughing]
Sorry.
- You know, rules are rules. [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Enjoy the show, you infidels. [chuckles]
I'm just kidding, I don't give a fuck.
But growing up,
I was like, top five Muslims, Kevin.
I was like praying five times a day.
I was going to the mosque every day.
Then I had sex once, and I was like,
God might not be real.
- [chuckles] Whoo!
- [audience cheering]
Sex was that good,
I lost every Muslim value
in the four seconds I lasted.
Every pump,
a new Muslim value out the window.
Pump one, I'm like,
"I'm trying bacon. I'm doing it."
[audience cheering, applauding]
Pump two, I'm like,
"Saudi Arabia's kind of sus, right?"
Bro, as I'm coming, I'm like,
"Trans rights are human rights." [moans]
- [cheers, applauds]
- [Usama chuckles]
Y'all been great. Thank y'all so much.
Seriously, thank y'all, thank y'all.
Thank y'all. Thank y'all, love y'all.
[audience cheering, applauding]
One more time,
Usama Siddiquee, one more time.
[cheers, applauds]
You know, uh, Usama,
it's just like, watching you perform,
man, I just genuinely
I genuinely laugh.
Uh, but to the point of like,
the other comics,
I'm learning so much more.
As the competition progresses,
we're learning so much more
about you guys as artists.
And just now, like,
the way you get into your heritage,
your background, your mother,
how you just paint
such a beautiful picture
within the story of you and your beliefs,
uh, the way you were raised,
and what you're now facing, man.
I think, for me,
that's some of the dopest things
that comedians do very well,
and we're seeing a high display
of it this evening, Chris.
- Incredible, incredible.
- Yes, absolutely.
- He's Indian.
- No, he's, he's
[Usama] Bengali, Bengali.
- Bengali, Bengali. Okay.
- [Kevin] Bengali, see?
See, you just said Indian, no. No, no, no.
No, that'll get you fucked up.
- He's Bengali.
- Bengali, yeah.
- [Usama] You have an Instagram.
- Now, which one is Aziz?
- Aziz is South Indian.
- [Chris] South Indian?
By the way,
I think what I did was just racist.
You asked me, and you said,
"Which one is Aziz?" I said, "Uh"
But then I was like
- [Chris] Oh, I know that's not Aziz.
- [Kevin] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So Aziz is from South?
- Yes. Yes, he's South.
- How did you not know that? Duh.
- Duh.
Yeah, come on, man. Bengali, South Indian.
- There's so much.
- Yeah, there's a lot, bro.
But you got to know this, Chris.
- But the food's great.
- The food is fucking great.
- Imagine the green bean casserole.
- Oh, my God!
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
one more time,
- very funny, Usama Siddiquee!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, now
Now, Chris, right now,
we gotta bring back,
we gotta bring back
the three comics, right?
- Really?
- Yes, we gotta bring them all back out.
All of you guys come back out.
And this is what's crazy right now.
- What's gonna happen, Kev?
- Now, well, all right, first,
let me tell the people,
I'm gonna tell you.
All right, guys, look,
we've seen our first three comics, right?
So let's get them back out here.
Everybody, come on.
- Three comics, come back out.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Come back out, come back out.
[Kevin] All right.
Now, at home at home
and in this building tonight,
you should remember,
but just in case you don't,
I want you to welcome back
Winston, Olivia, Usama.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [Kevin] Okay?
And I wanna tell everybody at home
that voting is open now.
So I need you to pick your favorite,
and the comedian
that gets the most votes
will go straight
into tomorrow night's live finale.
That's right, you got about a minute.
You got about a minute,
and you have to be watching live to vote.
This is so important to this competition,
to this amazing talent on the stage.
I need you guys to pick up the controls,
and I need you to be a part of this world.
Vote. You got about a minute
and it starts now. Uh
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Winston, I'll start with you.
I wanna know,
I'm gonna talk to each of you.
Winston, what are you feeling
in this moment right now?
Uh, I mean, I feel
I feel as good as I can feel.
I think I left it all out there
and I did material that reflects
what I talk about on stage,
so I feel good about it.
- [Kevin] Nice.
- [audience cheering]
[Kevin] Olivia.
What are you feeling right now?
I'm excited. I had a good time,
and I can't wait to see who goes.
[audience cheering, applauding]
- Usama?
- [Usama] Uh, I feel good.
Uh, that was fun as hell.
Thank y'all so much.
- Fun. Fun.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Thank y'all. Thank y'all. Uh, I'm excited.
I'm gonna teach y'all about Bangladesh
later, but y'all know that.
Uh, you know, I think as we're waiting
on the votes to come in,
it's very important to say, like,
this is what the competition is about.
And I think you all stepped up
to the moment.
You all stepped up and truly,
truly showed out
and showed the reason
why you all are here.
So as this is an intense moment,
and, you know,
- it's not in our hands, Chris.
- [Chris] No, no.
Unfortunately, we have nothing
that we can do.
- There's nothing. Nothing.
- Nothing.
- We are waiting on votes.
- We are waiting.
We are sitting here waiting
on the fucking votes.
Yes.
- But here's the good news about waiting.
- What's the good news, Kevin?
- Well, sometimes the wait is over.
- And right now, it is over.
- [Chris] Oh!
The votes are in. Okay?
Uh, I want to say congrats
to all three of you.
[Chris] All three?
[Kevin] Once again,
you all did an amazing job.
[Chris]
All three of you did an amazing job.
[Kevin] But the results are in.
Uh
The first comedian going through
to tomorrow's finale is
Bring me my card.
Bring me my card.
Okay. All right.
- Chris, I'm nervous.
- [Chris] I'm nervous.
No, I'm really nervous.
My hands are sweating.
Oh, man.
I don't want to Steve Harvey
this moment either.
- Okay.
- All right.
- [Chris] Oh!
- You want to do the honors, Chris?
You can do the honors.
- Usama!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] Usama.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] All right, all right, Usama!
Now we are live. We are live.
This is a live voting atmosphere.
The response, of course,
not only to the crowd,
but from at home, was high.
Um, I want to know
what you have to say.
What What feelings do you now have
after you got the vote?
- I love you, Mom.
- [audience laughing, applauding]
- I love you!
- [audience cheering]
And my whole family.
This is wild. It's crazy. It's insane.
Thank you all so-- Thank you so much
for the opportunity, man.
This has been one of the most
wildest experiences of my life,
and it just gets wilder and wilder.
- And thank you all so much. For real.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
My guy, you are moving on
to tomorrow night's live finale.
Now, what you got to understand, look,
for our other two, it's not over.
It is not over, Winston.
It's not over, Olivia, okay?
At the end of the show,
there will be another chance
for you to vote them
into the finale, all right?
So what I want you to do
is make some noise
for Winston and Olivia
and also Usama, all right?
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- All right, guys, get out of here.
- Get out of here.
- [upbeat music playing]
[Kevin] Get out of here.
All right. Guys, let's get
to our next group, all right?
This comment got a second chance
in the competition.
Let's see if he can make it count.
- It's Reg Thomas!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [screams]
- [all cheering, applauding]
- Reg is in the house!
Reg is, he's a punchline guy.
If I did voodoo, I'd be taller.
My dick would be
My dick would be the same,
but I'd be taller, like
[audience laughing]
It's such good writing.
That was actually sublime.
Reg was out of this competition,
but fought his way back in
with a very impressive roast performance.
Marshawn, just based off your face alone,
I want to give you some crayon and glue,
just to see what you eat first.
[all laughing]
- He was ready for the moment.
- He really was.
[Kevin] He's throwing everything
at the kitchen sink.
- I like him a lot.
- I am so proud.
- And he was real.
- And it's working.
[music concludes]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for Reg Thomas!
- [upbeat music playing]
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Yeah!
You know, it's not always
packed out theaters and live shows
on Netflix for us comedians.
A lot of times we get booked
at really whack spots, like weddings.
[audience chuckles]
I did a wedding a couple weeks ago,
and they told me that when I came out,
I could pick my favorite love song.
But I didn't know the couple,
and I am a comedian.
I’mma fuck up your wedding.
[audience laughing]
So I chose the Notorious B.I.G.'s
"Me and My Bitch."
[audience laughing]
Some of y'all know it,
it's a great love song, top five.
Seventeen seconds into the song,
the Notorious B.I.G.
is so in love with this woman,
he goes, "You look so good,
I'd suck on your daddy's dick."
- [audience laughing]
- Bars.
He said that in the '90s.
Every time I hear that song,
I realize I have never been in love.
Not one time have I ever met a girl
that made me feel like that.
Let me tell y'all a crazy story.
Three years ago,
I got invited to a Friendsgiving
that turned out to be an orgy,
because I'm cool.
And before I tell y'all this story,
I had no idea that there was going
to be an orgy at the Friendsgiving.
But before that night,
I thought I was an orgy guy.
[audience chuckles]
Y'all follow what I'm saying?
Like most guys, in our heads,
we think we're orgy ready.
[audience laughing]
Like, “Let an orgy break out
and see what I do.”
-“I'll fucking”
- [audience laughing]
You ain't gonna do none of that shit.
That was me.
And then an orgy broke out over dinner,
and I was like,
"Who the fuck are you people?"
- [audience laughing]
-“For real?”
-“By the key lime pie?”
- [audience laughing]
Forty people at the orgy.
I was the only Black guy.
So much White sex.
- [audience laughing]
- Yuck.
I had no idea White people get that pink.
It was like staring into the sun.
- [audience laughing]
- I describe it as a violent fuchsia.
- Shit looked like a lava lamp.
- [audience laughing]
Lot of different vibes at an orgy.
Lot of different personalities
at an orgy.
There's the girl
having aggressive orgasms,
- but no one believes her.
- [audience laughing]
She's like, "John, John."
But we all watching.
- And John not even pumping like that.
- [audience laughing]
That was the night
I learned White guys fuck
with their shoulders and not their hips.
John was going
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"John's going to kill someone."
[audience laughing]
There was a little
short butch lesbian lady.
She was walking around the orgy.
And she was wearing a strap-on dick.
But it was a little dick.
I started roasting her ass. I was like,
"You don't believe in yourself?"
- "What the fuck is that?"
- [audience laughing]
She got very upset.
She was like, "Worry about your own dick."
I was still fully dressed
like, "I'm good, actually."
And even though I was freaked out,
I stayed for eight hours.
- Why'd I do that?
- [audience laughing]
Because I could not stop watching.
Eventually I started
to walk around the orgy like a sensei
who was really impressed with his class.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[shrieks]
[audience laughing]
- Little tart.
- [audience laughing]
True story, six months later,
I got booked
to tell some jokes
at an all-Black orgy.
The Black orgy, way more lit.
- [audience laughing]
- They were playing better music,
but you know Black customer service.
Can leave a lot to be desired.
The Black orgy was playing better music,
but they didn't pay
for the premium Pandora.
[audience laughing]
So the whole orgy, the whole orgy,
you hear some smooth music,
then you'll hear,
"Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty."
[audience cheering, applauding]
Nah.
But, yo, I love being a stand-up comedian.
It's the greatest job in the world.
You get to travel, get to meet
all sorts of different people,
different accents,
and out of all the accents I ever met,
the British accent's my favorite.
I met a girl one night after a show.
She invited me back to her hotel room.
We started hooking up,
and she said the dopest thing
I've ever heard in a British accent.
She said
[in British accent]
"Your cock is literally filling me up."
[audience laughing]
I got so embarrassed, so I was like,
"This cock? Get out of here."
But yeah, that's my time.
My name's Reg Thomas.
- Thank y'all very much.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Bro, what up?
[Kevin] Reg Thomas.
Reg.
Hey, man, you know,
your story attached to this show
is a story for the books, man.
You know what I mean?
Like, the whole idea of a comeback
and what you've been doing
since then is outstanding.
- Uh, I
- Who's your agent?
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
- Me, myself, and I.
- [Chris] I'm like, I met William Morris.
He's talking about
He's talking about how do you get
booked to go to the sex parties
that you've been going to. [laughs]
He said, walking around like a sensei.
[all laughing]
Reg, phenomenal set, man.
Hey, show him some love one more time.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- [Kevin] Reg Thomas.
- [Kevin] Oh. Dude.
- [audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] You know?
I just like that
there's such a significant difference
- in all the talent, right?
- [Chris] Wow.
- He committed to that.
- Yeah [laughs]
I'm like, this orgy story
is still going on.
- [all laughing]
- All right, guys, listen.
This next comic
always pushes the envelope.
Then, you know what?
She pushes it even more.
- Here is Caitlin Peluffo!
- [audience cheering, applauding]
Bring the camera a little closer.
Oh, my God. No. No!
Caitlin's very much a star
of the comedy stage.
Great material.
My older sister, she was like,
"Caitlin, remember,
no man's gonna marry a woman
if she's had sex
with more than three guys."
And I was like,
"Well, I waved goodbye to that at prom."
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Raw as fuck, while at the same time,
still being charming.
I bet being cross-eyed
makes you great with the ladies,
'cause you can talk
to two bitches at once.
[audience laughing]
She's given us such a variety of style.
Do you consider yourself a grower
or a shower?
My momma right here.
- I don't give a shit who your mother is!
- [audience laughing]
That was one of the best sets
I've seen in a long time.
Caitlin's raised the bar.
She's a force to be reckoned with.
[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen,
please make some noise
for Caitlin Peluffo!
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[music concludes]
Oh, my goodness!
Hello, entire world!
This is exciting.
I just want to let everybody know
I have an IUD,
- and I intend to use it, okay?
- [audience cheering]
Thank you.
I'm gonna go to Reg's orgy. Let's do it!
- [audience laughing]
- [grunts, chuckles]
No, I love when I say I have an IUD.
The women get excited, yeah.
And the men look at me like,
"You got a bomb inside of you?"
[audience laughing]
No, it's birth control,
and thank God I have it.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm in my 30s, baby.
- [audience cheering]
I'm in my 30s.
If I get pregnant, I'll keep it.
- [chuckles] Okay?
- [audience laughing]
I got four eggs left.
One of 'em's got your name on it.
Okay, little cutie?
Hi, tight pants. I like it. Oh!
I love being in my 30s. It's the best.
- Sexually speaking, it's awesome, yes.
- [audience cheering]
Yes, because you know your body,
you know what you like in the bedroom,
and you have the confidence to tell a man
what you want in the bedroom.
It's great, 'cause when we're
in our 20s, we're nice.
We don't expect to come. That's crazy.
- We're just like, "Ah, he made me laugh."
- [audience laughing]
"I'll give him five more tries. Ah."
Not me, no.
I'm like, "You better grab the vibrator
and loosen up those elbows."
- [audience laughing]
- "Mama's coming."
"I didn't get naked for nothing.
Let's go, funny boy," all right?
Yeah, 'cause I'm not
not coming anymore, okay?
Hell no.
I was so nice, too nice.
- I was fuckin' dudes based on potential.
- [audience chuckling]
I was in there like a basketball coach
at a tryout. [chuckles]
I was like,
"Sure, he's got the natural talent,
- but, is he coachable?"
- [audience laughing]
"I need a team player
who can take directions."
'Cause that's what we do, right, ladies?
We train men. We train men.
- We coach 'em in the bedroom. Yes, we do.
- [audience cheering]
And men don't even realize
they're getting coached.
We're very subtle with this shit.
- We're just moaning in strategic places.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, all these guys
are walking around like,
"I'm crushing puss."
You're taking notes, motherfucker.
- [audience laughing, applauds]
- This is a learning game.
Absolutely. We have to train these boys.
Because of porn,
half the men in this room still think
- this is where the clitoris is.
- [audience laughing]
It's not here.
Our eyes aren't rolling back in ecstasy.
- We're dying!
- [audience laughing]
I think there should be
a special sex ed class for boys
where they learn about the female orgasm.
- [audience cheering]
- Yes, absolutely.
But it's gotta happen
before they get into porn,
- so, like, at age four. Okay.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, I want Sesame Street
teaching this shit.
I want a Finger Me Elmo
in every classroom
[audience laughing]
with an instructional video called
"Elmo Saves Everyone's Time."
[audience cheering]
I love that we train men.
I love that we train 'em.
My favorite thing to do
is to hook up with a guy
who just got out
of a long-term relationship
because all of his sex moves
are exactly what his ex taught him to do.
So, when he goes down on you,
you just learn a lot about Lisa.
[audience laughing]
You're like, "Damn, Lisa, three fingers.
Okay, wow."
[audience laughing]
"You a girthy girl, Lisa, goddamn.
That is impressive."
I will say, I have been going
a little hard in the paint,
as they say, okay?
So have my friends.
The whole group chat is about
how expensive the Plan B pill is,
all right?
- Yeah, I blame the tariffs, all right?
- [audience laughing]
Actually, not too long ago,
I was having sex, okay,
with this gentleman without a condom
because I'm fun, all right?
- [audience laughing]
- Thank you. I have HPV.
- Anyway.
- [audience laughing]
We were having sex,
and he stops me mid-sex,
and he goes, "Hey, Caitlin,
can I just finish inside of you
and give you 50 dollars?"
- I said "yes," okay?
- [audience laughing]
Of course I said yes. I got that IUD.
That's all profit, okay?
[audience laughing, cheering]
That's rich bitch money.
Yeah, I'm not a whore.
I'm an entrepreneur, okay?
You guys have been great.
Thank you so much. I'm Caitlin Peluffo.
[audience cheering]
Thank you!
[Kevin] Caitlin Peluffo, guys. Wow.
[chuckles] Caitlin, just
I mean, just, wow, man.
I I loved it.
You're just so fucking raw. You're
You hit the stage,
and there's no prep.
The audience has no idea
what they're about to get,
but they have no choice
but to fucking accept it.
- Your energy, you're in their face.
- [chuckles]
[Kevin] It's raw subject matter.
It's who you are, and you have not
shied away from it at all.
- Chris, what'd you think?
- [Chris] It was funny.
- Tickle Me What was it?
- Finger Me Elmo.
- [laughs] Finger Me Elmo.
- Finger Me
I want-- get me a Blowjob Barney.
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
Uh, I think you were amazing, man.
One more time, man. Show some love.
- Caitlin Peluffo, one more time.
- [audience cheering]
- Again, again, you're watching
- Again.
- Wow.
- Once again, an amazing separation in all.
They all are so different, but so funny.
We had Finger Me Elmo,
and we had the orgy before that.
- Yeah, no, there was a lot of--
- So, anal's next. [laughs]
- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
Well, let's see what's next.
Guys, at his audition,
this comic grabbed my attention
with his very first joke. Uh
- Here's Ron Taylor, ladies and gentlemen.
- [Chris] Ron Taylor!
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
All right,
let's get this out the way now.
- This is my hair. This is not a hat.
- [audience laughing]
- Shut the fuck up. Don't laugh at that.
- I like that.
Ron Taylor, he's a natural in this space.
Recently, I just had my first threesome
[audience cheering]
attempt.
- My first threesome
- [audience laughing]
[Kevin] Some people just have the gift.
If he's nervous, he didn't look it at all.
It's easy for Ron to get to the funny.
Kevin Hart looked like
the slave you get for free
- when you buy Marshawn Lynch. [laughs]
- [audience exclaims, laughing]
It's one of the best jokes
I've ever heard.
[Kevin] I can say I'm a fan.
Whatever the thing is
that you're supposed to have, he has it.
- [Kevin] Give it up for Ron Taylor!
- [audience cheering]
[music concludes]
Yeah, we in here.
What's going on, good people?
- [audience cheering]
- Right on.
I'm a product of public school.
Public school in the house?
[audience cheering]
Yeah, dumber than a motherfucker.
- [audience laughing]
- You don't know shit.
You ever think about
how much time of our school wastes?
- [girl] I like your shirt!
- Okay, sweetie, thank you, baby.
[laughs]
She went to public school.
Here's the deal.
They don't teach you shit,
that's the point.
You go to school for what, about 12 years?
You study subjects six hours a day,
five days a week,
and you not a professional?
None of that shit.
What other thing can you study that long
and not become a professional that?
I've been jumping rope for two weeks.
I feel like Muhammad Ali already.
Then the shit they do teach you
ain't worth shit. You can't use it.
In math class, I learned
how to find the height of a tree.
Using the shadow that it casts.
But I got to call my mama every time
it's time for me to do my taxes.
Why? Fuck that tree.
Cut it down.
Why am I in the woods?
That's the better question.
What did you use to measure the shadow?
Use that on the tree, motherfucker.
Science class,
I learned a bunch of bullshit.
I learned about rocks.
Fucking rocks.
Is there anything dumber than rocks?
When you call somebody dumb,
you say you dumb as a box of
- [audience] Rocks!
- I have four semesters on these bitches.
I learned about an igneous rock,
a metamorphic rock.
What's the last one? A sedimentary rock?
- You stupid motherfucker. You ain't
- [audience laughing]
You ain't thought about that
since grade school.
Fuck rocks. I don't smoke crack.
Why am I learning this shit?
Teach me something I can use
in science class. Teach me [chuckles]
Teach me teach me how to do
a pressure point abortion.
- That's some shit.
- [audience laughing, applauding]
- Fuck y'all.
- [audience laughs]
I ain't say I would use it.
Just said it'd be good to know.
Somebody come up to you, "I'm pregnant."
[blowing air] "Not no more."
[audience laughing, applauding]
You need education.
Otherwise you have fake smart people.
When I was here, living here,
I had two roommates, fake smart people.
I ain't gonna say
they was bad people, right?
Let's just say they were vegan.
[audience laughing]
Hor horrible people, horrible.
This is my thing.
If you don't want to eat meat
'cause you don't want to eat meat, fine.
You don't want to eat meat
for the perceived health benefits
or the religious beliefs, fine.
But don't tell me eating meat is wrong.
Like it's wrong as in it's incorrect?
Oh, rude, motherfucker. What?
[audience laughing]
How do you know? Everybody eat meat.
What are you talking about?
"Oh, it's not designed
for the human body to eat meat."
You think we've been making
a two-million-year mistake?
Everybody eat meat. Jesus ate meat.
You know better than the Lord?
[audience laughing]
Who the fuck you trying to impress?
You get to heaven,
Jesus got a fish sandwich.
Like, come on in, my child.
I don't eat that, Jesus.
You going to hell, bitch-ass nigga. That
[audience laughing]
That's how my Jesus talk.
I don't know about y'all.
[laughs]
But it was two of 'em.
They was always trying to gang up on me.
Saying just stupid stuff.
If you ever talked to a vegan,
you might have heard this.
They always say this shit.
"You eat animals? That's terrible."
"That's like eating your pet."
"Would you eat your pet, huh?"
I was like, "What the fuck?"
What are you talking about,
would I eat my pet?
Miss, would you eat your pet? No.
- White lady, would you eat your pet?
- No.
No, of course not.
I'm not gonna eat my pet, you freak.
I love my pet. I got a special bond
and relationship with my pet.
I ain't going to eat my pet.
But I'd eat your pet.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
Fuck your pet.
I got no relationship to your pet.
Let me get hungry.
It'll be barbecue Garfield in this bitch.
I'll give you a better example.
I like to fuck women. Surprise.
[audience laughing]
My mother is a "women."
I'm not gonna fuck my mama,
but I'll fuck your mama.
- You see? That does it.
- [audience laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen, that's my time.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Ron Taylor, ladies and gentlemen.
Ron Taylor. Uh [laughs]
- Not just Ron. Motherfucking Ron.
- Motherfucking Ron.
Uh, dude, you did
what you were supposed to do.
Very funny, Ron.
Um, I'm not surprised.
I I didn't expect to see anything less
than what I saw.
Uh, I feel like, once again,
stepping up and doing the thing
that you are poised and positioned to do,
that's your job in this moment.
I feel like you did your job.
What do you think, Chris?
- You did a great job. You did a great job.
- Yeah. Really, really good job.
Yeah. Really, really good job. All right.
One more time, ladies and gentlemen,
Ron Taylor, one more time.
- [Chris] Ron Taylor.
- [audience applauding, cheering]
Man. Well, Chris,
we're down to it once again.
- Once again.
- Once again.
- I got to bring the comics back out.
- Uh!
All right. This is where
I'm counting on the people.
- [Chris] This one's going to be tight.
- It's very tight.
That's that's very scary.
- Scary at how close this is.
- This is really tight.
- I
- I'm nervous. I'm nervous.
All right, guys,
we've seen our last three comics.
Uh, we've just watched them perform.
Once again, now it's time to vote.
So please help me welcome back Reg,
- Caitlin, and Ron.
- [Chris] Caitlin.
- One more time. Come on.
- [upbeat music playing]
- [Chris cheers]
- [Kevin] Come on out, you guys.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] Wow. Um.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, at home,
voting is now open.
You can vote
one of these comics into the finale.
You have one minute, one minute to do so,
so please make it count, okay?
Make it count. Start now.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Chris] Uh
I I would love to know
just what the feeling is
for you guys at this moment.
Reg, I'll start with you.
- What are you feeling right now?
- I'm so excited.
I really feel like I represented myself
the right way.
I came through, did everything
I wanted to, rocked out the theater.
I'm as happy as I could be right now.
- Nice. Nice.
- [audience applauding, cheering]
Caitlin, what about you?
What are you feeling right now?
I feel excited. I feel thrilled.
I think I'm going to use
that Blowjob Barney line next time.
[all laughing]
But no, this was so much fun.
This whole experience has been great.
And, uh, I can't be more
grateful and thankful.
[audience member] Go Niners.
Go Niners. Yeah. Go Niners.
Ron, what about you?
This feel like a win already, man,
and it's just been fun all around,
and I'm glad
I'm glad I wore this shirt.
Apparently, that was a good choice.
[all laughing]
You know,
I said it in our first group,
you know, the competition
at this point, you know,
it's as tight as it can be.
And, you know,
our first group was amazing.
You guys coming out after that,
you all were amazing as well.
But I think you all should
just be proud of yourselves for,
once again, for presenting yourself
in this moment.
Um, Chris, what do you think?
If there's anything
you can say to them.
I Everyone, there's, you know,
somebody's gonna win,
but you all won,
so don't sweat it.
Each one of you
is a professional comedian.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Absolutely. All right.
To all those at home, okay?
All those at home,
I want to thank you
for your participation.
I want to let you know
that your votes are now in.
- The comedian
- [Chris] Votes are now in.
The comedian going through
to tomorrow's live finale is
Envelope, please.
[Chris] Envelope, please.
[Kevin] Envelope, please.
God damn it, give me the envelope.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I'm also being told that this one
was extremely close.
So before I open up the envelope,
I want you guys to know,
extremely close.
Oh, my God.
Ron Taylor, you'll be moving on
to the next round.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] Ron Taylor.
Ron, is there anything
that you want to say
to the people watching
that voted for you?
Is there anything that you want
to say in this moment?
Uh, I just thank everybody
for supporting me,
for supporting comedy,
period, man.
And I just appreciate
the opportunity, man.
I thank y'all.
[Kevin] All right.
Well, Ron, you made it.
We will see you
in the finale tomorrow night.
Now, one more time, one more time
for the finalists.
Okay, the finalists in the second group.
One more time.
One more time.
Okay, guys, guys,
I wanna thank you, Ron.
You go, uh
Right now, this is a big deal
because you guys still have a chance.
Reg, Caitlin,
you still have a chance, right?
Uh, we got four comics left,
four comics left, and we got
one last vote to come.
So please come back.
Winston, Olivia, come back out.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] All right.
- There are four comics.
- [Chris] Four.
[Kevin] There are two spots open.
Two of these comics will move on
to the finale tomorrow night,
but sadly,
two will be heading home.
And the vote,
well, the vote is open now.
So pick your favorite comic,
and the two with the most votes
will move on to the finale.
Here's another look at these comics
doing what they do best.
Take a look.
I had one guy come up to me
after a show,
and he got in my face, and he goes,
"Oh, yeah,
you think you're better than me?"
He goes, "You think you're hot shit?"
He goes, "I'm a veteran of two wars."
And I was like, "Damn, brother,
unless that platoon was autistic."
[chuckles]
You know what I mean?
And they were. He was Coast Guard.
So I thought that
was pretty impressive of him.
He's very good at it, but one time
he kind of ate me out like
[buzzing lips]
[audience cheering, applauding]
It was the hardest I ever came. Uh
A lot of different personalities
at an orgy.
There's the girl
having aggressive orgasms,
but no one believes her.
She's like, "John, John."
But we all watching.
And John not even pumping like that.
That was the night
I learned White guys fuck
with their shoulders and not their hips.
John was going
[audience laughing]
I was like,
John's going to kill someone.
I think there should be
a special sex ed class for boys
where they learn about the female orgasm.
Yes, absolutely.
But it's gotta happen before they get
into porn, so, like, at age four.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I want Sesame Street
teaching this shit.
I want a Finger Me Elmo
in every classroom.
[audience laughing]
With an instructional video called
"Elmo Saves Everyone's Time."
[Kevin] Yes.
All right, the two comics
who make it will join Usama Siddiquee
and also Ron Taylor
in tomorrow's finale,
and to decide who wins it all, okay?
Look, you gotta understand, guys,
you gotta be watching us
live tomorrow night.
It's a must.
You have to be watching us live
tomorrow night.
Okay, it's go time, right?
At this point, well,
we need to see who's moving on,
and we need
to see who's going home.
The votes are in, okay?
[Chris] They're in.
[Kevin] Two of these comics
will move forward
to our live finale tomorrow night.
And unfortunately, two of the comics
will be going home.
Are you ready?
Are you guys ready?
- All right.
- [audience cheering]
This is in no particular order.
The first comic moving on is
Envelope, please.
What you got? What you got?
What you got, Kev?
Chris, you can say it.
Our first comic moving on.
- [Chris] Caitlin!
- Caitlin Peluffo.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Caitlin, still standing.
How do you feel?
I feel really, really thankful.
Thank you to everyone
who voted at home.
I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, there is one last spot.
I gotta stand up.
I gotta stand up.
The second comic going into
tomorrow night's live finale is
Envelope, please.
- Reg Thomas!
- Reg Thomas!
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Kevin] Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
[Reg] Let's fucking go!
Yes. Yes.
Let's go!
- [Kevin] Oh! Come on, Chris.
- [Reg] That's what I'm talking about!
[Kevin] Wow.
Holy cow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Come here, Chris.
- I don't know.
Uh
[Chris] Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please show some love.
Show some love.
Show some love.
All right.
Our four finalists.
We have our four finalists, guys.
Tomorrow night,
one of them will join or win.
Let's say win.
One of them will win it all.
And you at home, you will decide
who that person is.
These four comics need you to show up,
watching live,
and more importantly, voting live.
You will choose the winner of Funny AF.
It's the battle to win the dream.
The live finale tomorrow
at 9:00 p.m. Eastern.
- [Chris] Eastern.
- Right here on Netflix.
Big thank you to my brother,
Chris Rock, for joining me today.
I'll see you tomorrow
with my friends Tom Segura,
and Nikki Glaser will be back
for the finale.
Guys, good night, everybody,
and thank y'all
for being the best crowd ever.
[kisses] We love y'all.
[cheering, applauding]
[upbeat music playing]