Golden Axe (2026) s01e07 Episode Script

1
The scorching sun,
the scalding sands.
In their pursuit of Death Adder,
our heroes seek permission
to cross this wasteland
from the elusive desert sage.
Oh, wait, shut up, shut up,
shut up! There she is.
The desert holds many dangers.
They really need
the sage's blessing.
But don't worry.
This should be an easy yes,
based on Gilius' reputation.
And
What? It's a freaking no?
I did not see that coming.
I'm really trying
to be professional here,
but oh, boy!
This is Gilius freaking
Thunderhead we're talking about.
Alice has gone crazy.
Uh, the sage's name is Alice,
by the way.
Well, that was disappointing.
I didn't even get to have one
of those desert hallucinations
where you're so hungry
that you look at your friend
and they turn into
a big cooked turkey.
You don't have to be starving
to picture someone as a turkey,
you can do that
whenever you want.
I can?
-He likes soup.
-Oi!
Would you two stop
picturing old men as turkeys?
We need to figure out a way
to cross the desert
so we can get to Death Adder.
What is that sage's problem?
She thinks she's better than me
just because she's got a camel?
Oh! It's a great camel.
I'd love to pet it.
What do you have to do
to get a blessing out of her?
I defeated Death Adder, you're
the chosen one, and Druda
Wha Drud
What-what do you do, Druda?
I don't really know
since I left Death Adder,
but here's the beautiful thing:
that's what
I'm trying to figure out.
We could brainstorm.
Perhaps you could invent
a new type of pantaloons.
Ones that are tight enough
to flatter your key areas
But not so tight that they get
Wedged up
in those very same areas!
Aren't you supposed
to be Hampton's bully?
Ew, Gilius!
I'm not a bully anymore.
I'm mature now.
"Eh, aren't you
supposed to be a bully?
Drink, drink, my breath stinks."
-Oh, my Gods!
-Thaxton!
I can't believe it!
Aw, thank you, Kesterton.
The best fans in all of Yuria.
Best looking, too.
Well, don't want to hear this.
We should get out of here.
What are you talking about?
I love bards.
Singing songs and
spreading tales across the land
like a tale-spreading machine.
Ugh, I hate music.
Never trusted anything
that stirs the soul.
I'll stir my own soul,
thank you very much.
Well, things are bad
in Yuria ♪
It feels like
our lives are cursed ♪
Death Adder was dead ♪
Oh, no, that's been reversed ♪
But, of course,
there's still hope ♪
As this has ♪
Happened once before ♪
This tale, I'll repeat ♪
Is of Death Adder's
defeat, yeah ♪
By three heroes ♪
We now adore ♪
Three heroes?
That's you, Ax, and Tyris.
He's singing about you!
Ow!
It was a spooky, cold
night with a moon so bright ♪
And Death Adder thought
he'd kick back and relax ♪
Someone kicked down his door ♪
And raised their sword ♪
It was the battler
known as Ax ♪
It was
the battler known as Ax ♪
But Ax was no match
for Death Adder's wrath ♪
It seemed like
he didn't have a prayer ♪
But just right then
he was joined by a friend ♪
Mighty amazon Tyris Flare ♪
Mighty amazon
Tyris Flare, ah ♪
But in the 11th hour ♪
They succumbed ♪
To Death Adder's power ♪
And they thought ♪
"Certainly,
he will be killing us" ♪
Killing us?
That rhymes with Gilius!
He's good.
But then they remembered ♪
Their party
had a third member ♪
A little guy named ♪
Courage ♪
-Ax, Tyris and courage ♪
-He left you out of the song!
Meh. I've been
left out of lots of songs.
You ever heard "The Ballad
of the Duck and the Rat"?
I'm not in that one at all.
There was no one else ♪
They did it by themselves ♪
-Ax ♪
-Ax ♪
-Tyris ♪
-Tyris ♪
And courage, yeah! ♪
Thank you! Thank you!
Aw, thank you.
I know what
I want to do with my life
or death or w
undeath or whatever.
I'm gonna be a bard.
This could be why the sage
turned us down
she hasn't heard of you.
Let's talk to the bard.
He'll put you back in the song,
start playing it all
across the land,
eventually, the sage
will hear it
who knows how long that'll take,
she does live in the desert
but when she does,
she'll have heard of you
and then she'll let us
cross the desert
and then we'll go
straight to Death Adder!
Actually, um,
I was thinking
we could go around the desert.
Right past this terrifying demon.
Gilius, why don't you
want to talk to the bard?
Oh, now that I look closer, it
kind of looks like he's smiling.
Gilius, what is going on?
We're not talking to the bard,
just drop it.
Okay, I'll drop it.
Drop it right in my
bag of things I won't drop.
-What's that?
-Hm? Hmm?
As Hampton says "hmm,"
let's see what
our other heroes are up to.
Hmm.
He's sayin' it too?
That's nuts.
These are Chicken Leg's tracks.
-I'm mostly sure of it.
-Then they'll lead to Gilius.
I'm low on magic.
We should restock.
What we need is one of those
little blue guys
that drop magic potions
when we hit 'em.
Oh, do you think, Chronos?
Should we find
the little blue guys?
-Tyris, go easy.
-Do you hear this, Ax?
He's acting like there's
some other way to acquire magic
-in Yuria
-Anybody need some magic?
-Janzu! Right on time.
-Whee!
Oh, no!
You got me
right in my little heinie.
-I sure did, Janzu.
-Ooh!
You know, every time we do that,
I'm left wondering
Hup! Does it seem like
he kinda likes it?
It's a tough gig.
I think it's cool
he takes pride in it.
Papa! You're home!
Did you battle
any huge monsters today?
Papa fought an ice troll.
Wow!
Oh, hm.
Glad you're okay.
I saw a new log on my way home.
Oh, that's nice.
The children found your armor
in the bushes today.
I covered for you.
But they're asking questions.
Frizmo, especially.
He's getting too old
to keep believing
you're some kind of warrior.
You need to tell him
before he figures it out
for himself.
Hey, kids?
Papa has something to tell you.
What is it, Dad?
I I
I just wanted to say that
I love you both.
Gilius. Gilius, wake up.
Something terrible is happening!
In the orphanage,
terrorizing those children.
-Help me.
-Oh, save me.
-I'm scared.
-It's a dragon!
-I'm a dragon!
-And
-Aah
-look who's over there.
If Thaxton sees you being heroic,
he'll have to write
a song about you.
All right, could
I could use a little room.
-I told you to drop it, Hampton.
-And I did.
Into my bag of things
I won't drop.
-Now go.
-I eat orphans!
-This is a dumb idea!
-Not as dumb
as going around the desert
and fighting the demon.
Fire! Fire!
Hello, Gilius.
Been a long time.
Hello, Thaxton.
Whoa! You two know each other?
That is crazy.
I'm Druda, by the way.
I'm-I'm not always on fire.
But I could be if you like it.
Come on Gilius, tell us
how you know Thaxton.
It was the day after
Ax, Tyris, and I
defeated Death Adder.
Yurians came from far and wide
to celebrate our triumph
over evil.
There was much adulation
and light refreshments.
Yuria's finest bards
came to serenade us.
Tyris' praises were sung
by the great Jimble,
and Ax's by the esteemed Jonble.
-Who?
-You know, the Ooshi brothers.
Jimble and Jonble.
No?
Am I really that old?
They were a huge deal.
Anyway,
Ax and Tyris
got these legends of music
and who did they send me?
A little child.
So, apparently,
this Thaxton kid had won
some junior barding championship
and singing to me
was his grand prize.
Well, I wasn't too happy
about it, but I gave him a shot.
Well, the ♪
Give me that!
Oh, look at me, everyone.
I'm a wee little bard.
My voice cracks
and I have a pimply face
and I wet the bed.
And my mom
cuts my hair with an axe.
Ah, that was a fun day.
Gilius, this is great.
All you have to do
is apologize to Thaxton.
And then he'll
put you back in the song.
Bartender, have a bowl
of dried cranberries
sent up to my room.
Ah, ah, ah, ah freshly dried.
Come on, now's our chance.
Who says you can't
play lute in bed?
Oh, hello, Gilius.
You know,
I heard a rumor
that the desert sage
turned you down.
Oh, I wonder why?
Be-Because of you,
you little prick.
Gilius, remember,
we're here to apologize.
And then ask very nicely
if Thaxton will stop
leaving you out of his song.
Well, I'm not leaving him out
of the song
I'm writing right now.
It's a little ditty
about a dwarf
who burned down an orphanage.
Every sage that
guards a desert or lake
or even an "archipelawgo"
will know the name
Gilius Thunderhead.
In a bad way, just to be clear.
My axe is gonna
pelago right up your ass!
Gilius, no! It's illegal
to put your hands on a bard.
But it's not illegal to do this.
Change your song.
Let me have a crack at him.
Listen up!
Do you have any advice
for an aspiring bard?
First of all, stop referring
to yourself as "aspiring."
You're either a bard
or you're not.
Thank you so much
for being so generous
-with your time.
-Don't mention it.
Ah, an epic battle.
If I hadn't been there myself,
I'd have trouble believing how
visually scintillating it was.
Do I know that word?
Anybody need some magic?
Janzu! It's like
you can read our minds.
Even if I could, I'd never tell.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! I'm gonna give you
the magic.
Frizmo, wait. Frizmo!
Who's Bizbo?
So, who did you
fight today, Papa?
Um Gildra.
The
-swamp hag.
-Oh, she sounds scary!
Frizmo, please.
Just let me explain.
What's there to explain?
That you go out there
in your little blue pajamas
and let people beat on you?
Why don't you fight back?
Fight back! Fight back!
Fight back.
Thaxton!
I am going to crunch
your face in!
You know it's against the law
to touch me.
Heavens!
Only if there are witnesses.
Either you
change your little song
or I change that little
dainty face of yours.
Cranberry delivery.
Got a taste for cranberries!
Aah! Freshly dried.
Get back here!
Help! The great bard Thaxton
is being chased
by a dwarf most foul!
Ready to sing
your last song, Thaxton?
Tell me how it goes!
Oh, "blub, blub, blub"?
Oh, I think we got a hit
on our hands here, folks.
Aah!
You're under arrest
for assaulting a bard.
A crime punishable
by a hefty fine.
What's that?
The punishment got upgraded?
To death, you say?
Oh, he's not gonna like that.
Okay, so
We'll get you out of there,
Gilius!
We're gonna say that you're our
grandpa and that you went crazy.
People will believe it
when they see you.
Who here is ready to witness
the most bloody of justice
be served upon this dwarf's head?
Great, great.
Uh, this is great.
Uh, little bit
of housekeeping up top.
We have some special guests here.
The graduating class
of Thaxton's Barding Fellowship.
Take a bow.
Thaxton runs
a fellowship for bards?
Maybe I could join that.
I'm gonna go see
if they have any pamphlets.
Listen, before we begin,
I got some bad news.
I'm talking to
the high priestess earlier.
She thinks it's a better idea
to do this at night.
I know, I know, I know.
Something about the harvest
and the moon.
I'm just the messenger.
I'll tell you what.
Let's have some fun.
Who here has been married
for five years?
Hands up, let me see.
Wow!
Look at you g
That's a lot of people.
-Dear gods, just kill me.
-How do you do it?
Frizmo hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
He's just confused.
And frankly, so am I.
You used to be proud
of your work.
You used to say it was important.
It is. But how do you
explain that to a kid?
Maybe instead
of explaining it to them
you can show them.
Can I ask you something?
Why do they have to hit you?
It's it's to get the potions.
Hey kids,
I need to show you something.
Frizmo, please.
Okay, let's try going to married
for 4,265 years?
Wow.
4,265 years
what anniversary is that?
Rock.
Oh, look at that, folks!
The sun is officially down.
Let's cut off this guy's head!
Aw, rats. I had all this time
to come up with a plan
and I did nothing.
Hampton, you need to see this.
-Thaxton's notebook.
-Yeah.
I thought it was
a pamphlet for his fellowship,
but then I realized
it was his songbook.
You got to see what's inside.
Folks, anybody
want to keep the head?
But I got to warn you,
he smells terrible.
Just so you know,
it's nothing personal.
I've seen you fight,
you're a wonderful battle dwarf.
I got nothing
but respect for you.
Hold it. Stop the trial!
This isn't a trial.
It's an execution.
Oh, right,
you're executing my friend
for attacking your
beloved bard, Thaxton.
Well, I have his notebook,
and once you hear the contents,
he won't be beloved,
he'll be be hated.
Uh
Come, now, boy.
He's hard at work
on a lot of new music.
I mean, this thing is filled
to the brim with songs.
-And guess what?
-Hand it back.
They're songs about
each and every one of you
And how much he hates you.
All right, okay,
that's enough.
Give me that.
They're just songs.
Who cares?
Music has power.
His ruined Gilius' reputation
and eventually it'll ruin yours.
Unless we stop him.
Oh, what could any of you
pathetic simpletons do
to stop me?
I'm the rich
and regionally famous Thaxton.
And you're just
a bunch of piggies
who are privileged
to slop up my genius.
An unprovoked assault
on a bard?!
And by such clichéd means.
Bards,
To me! ♪
Look out, Hampton,
they're gonna play music at us!
Hang on. I got a knife in here,
just give me a second.
Charge! ♪
Whoa Oh!
Aah!
Look, kids, the mighty
Gilius Thunderhead is in trouble
-and he needs my help.
-Whoa!
Are you gonna
kill all those bad guys
with your ninja attacks?
Yeah, right.
He's just gonna go out there
and get beat up on purpose
like a total weirdo.
Don't make up lies about Papa.
Frizmo isn't lying, Trix.
But I have been.
I brought you both here
to tell you the truth:
I'm not a mighty warrior,
but what I do
helps the people who are.
I'm not embarrassed
of who I am, I'm proud of it.
And hopefully,
after you see this,
you will be, too.
Janzu!
Looks like someone
needs some potions.
And I've got
a juicy rump to kick.
Great, sure, whatever.
I'm pretty tied up,
but if you get by my feet
I can probably give you a kick.
Ooh, give me a kick!
You know you want it.
Who's got the magic?
Janzu's got the magic!
Janzu, you're my hero.
Thunder magic!
-Yes!
-Yeah!
All right, now, listen.
I could kill
all you fancy bards right now,
but I'm not going to
because I'm a hero
and I live by a code.
Now, Thaxton, I know that
what I did years ago was wrong,
and for that, uh
I'm sorry.
Apology
not accepted.
You see, Hampton?
That's what apologies get you.
Plan B.
All you bards get out of town
and leave these
poor people alone.
They liked you, Thaxton,
they trusted you,
and you treated them like dirt.
So, you know what,
maybe I'm not better than you,
but they certainly are.
Fine, I'll leave.
But under one condition.
No conditions.
I'll kill you.
Yep, guess I better
hit the road, then.
Come, bards! ♪
Ho, there, Gilius.
Boy. Skeleton.
Well, it's a shame
we weren't able
to fix things with the sage.
I guess we're going
around the desert.
Hold on. Druda and I
might have solved that problem.
Gods, what have you two done now?
Last night I wrote my very first
song. I'm officially
-a bard. ♪
-We wrote a song.
You're not getting all
the credit for this one, Druds.
It's a pretty good song.
And now,
if you'll please
address your attention
to the smoky part of town square,
the Kesterton Children's Choir.
This is a song
about Gilius Thunderhead ♪
He fights with his brains
and his fists and his axe ♪
He taught me,
I mean, Hampton ♪
How to quest ♪
He taught Hampton
which berries were good ♪
And which berries were bad ♪
He uses magic like lightning ♪
Which is also good ♪
How does it work? ♪
I'm not really sure ♪
In conclusion ♪
Gilius is Hampton's friend ♪
And a hero to all of ♪
Yuria. ♪
Hampton, this song
is ter-terrible,
and you-you and Druda
should never
write together aga-again.
Ooh, ooh! I'm Papa.
Kick me, Gilius.
-It's my turn to be Dad.
-You just got to be Dad, stupid.
Don't, don't, don't!
Look at that
you're their hero.
How did I get so lucky?
Hey, tonight,
after the kids go to bed,
maybe I could hit you?
Janzu!
Oh!
-Whoa, you know Chronos?
-Cool!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Chirp.