Leanne (2025) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Hey, Leanne.
Hey, Mary. Did you fall out of a tree?
So who's the guy?
What guy?
Tall, dark, and federal?
Are you spying on me?
I can't help it if your front porch
lines up with my ring cam.
Actually, you can.
Come on, spill.
His name is Andrew.
He's got a perfectly symmetrical face,
and that's all you need to know.
Awfully quick, isn't it?
I mean, is the ink even dry
on your divorce papers?
You make it sound like
I'm out there catting around.
- I'm just worried about how it looks.
- How it looks?
My husband got another woman pregnant.
A man buying me a tomahawk steak
doesn't feel scandalous.
Is that steak a bone in?
Mary!
Hey.
You're just waking up?
No. I showered, put on makeup,
remembered my life, and went back to this.
Carol, you can't keep moping around
waiting for Dylan to reappear.
I can, I will, and you're gonna watch it.
Come jogging with me next time
and let's rev up those endorphins!
Quit it!
Sorry, it's not you.
Just tone down the perk.
We're like a seesaw.
My life's finally going up,
and your fanny's down in the mud.
Yup, things have returned
to their original factory settings.
If my dating Andrew's upsetting you,
just say the word, and I'll stop.
No, I wouldn't ask that of you.
Thank goodness.
Because I would climb over your sad body
to get to that man.
You'll have to live for both of us now.
I will. I won't let you down
'cause I'm one smitten kitten.
One over-the-moon raccoon.
- One
- Again, the perk.
Right. I'm gonna hop in the shower.
I've got an appointment with Dr. Marshall.
Ooh, checking on your lady business.
Making sure the cobwebs
are cleared before you show the house.
Carol, this is strictly
routine maintenance.
Whatever keeps her purring.
Dr. Marshall still have that hateful nurse
who shouts your weight for all to hear?
I forgot about that witch.
I've got to go run another mile.
Nurse Meghan wouldn't let me
take my shoes off.
Maybe shave a couple of pounds
off that number.
Leanne, your weight is fine
for a woman your age.
That's mean on two levels.
Relax, just schedule your mammogram,
keep doing what you're doing,
and I won't need to see you
for another year.
Um…
What if,
during that time,
I start doing…
something different?
Like?
You know what? Never mind.
This is not a room for secrets.
That's across the hall at couples therapy.
I'm dating a man
that's not Bill.
But I'm very attracted to him
because it's not Bill.
Okay, so,
has it become intimate?
Well, we have talked about
where we were born.
First concerts.
We're both allergic to bees,
but we're very aware
of how important they are.
I meant, are you sexually active?
No! We haven't even kissed.
But if it continues to go like it is,
down the road,
like, miles and miles away…
- Could be years, even.
- Okay, what are you trying to say?
I just don't want to tee-tee
every time he makes me laugh.
Okay,
so we're having pelvic floor issues.
You're having them too?
Okay, it's very common,
especially for a woman your age.
You need to retire that sentence.
I'll get you a few pamphlets
with some great exercises.
Do I need to buy any special equipment?
No. I'll do one for you if you like.
Okay.
Get after it.
I am.
I'm doing them right now.
Still?
I just banged out a dozen.
You could do them anywhere, anytime,
and no one would ever know.
Just like saying your prayers.
Okay, I'm in.
Hey…
I'm happy for you, Leanne.
I'm weighing myself again.
Thanks.
Now, see, Leanne's man goes out of town
for a few days, he sends her flowers.
Mine disappears, and I get
a big bouquet of "suck it, loser."
Forget the flowers. I need your help.
Okay, are we, like, putting together
Ikea furniture or burying a dead body?
The guy I was seeing broke up with me.
Got it. I'll get the shovel.
- No, he thinks I have a problem.
- With what?
Everything in this box.
Please be a lizard.
This is serious.
You need to hold on to these things
so I can prove to him I don't need them.
- Can I take a peek?
- Sure. They mean nothing to me.
But don't get rid of them.
All right, let's see.
We got a vape pen, tin of gummies.
Some pills prescribed
to someone named Agnes Blutarski?
I found them on a bus.
And a couple baby tequilas.
Cute, right? But don't drink them.
One is clean pee, and I don't know which.
Leanne.
Dr. Marshall wants you to try out
some of these personal lubricants.
Thank you, Meghan.
We're ready for you, Faye.
Hi, Leanne.
Lord.
- I'm Bill's
- I know.
I was just taking a minute
to realize this is actually happening.
Yeah, of all the gin joints.
- Sorry, this isn't funny.
- No, it's not.
This is a lot to ask,
but I'd really love for us
to talk at some point.
Maybe grab a coffee?
I don't think so.
What do I owe for today?
You're all set.
Okay, Faye, 142!
I didn't get to take my shoes off!
"Grab a cup of coffee."
I'll grab you by the throat, sister.
Really? You want to be friends?
You want to talk?
Never!
Let me guess, we're all gonna be one big,
happy family like The Brady Bunch.
What's that?
You're too young for that reference?
It was a TV show with David Cassidy.
No, wait. That's the one with the bus.
Doesn't matter. It's not happening!
She invades my life.
She invades my family.
She invades my marriage.
And now she thinks she's gonna
invade my gynecologist? I don't think so!
What on earth is going on down there?
Never mind.
Andrew sent you flowers.
That ought to make you happy.
Very sweet!
I'll appreciate those later.
Right now, I want to be mad at Faye.
Why don't you just meet with her
and give her a piece of your mind.
No! I don't want her to have
any more pieces of me.
Okay.
- What's the point of us having coffee?
- There isn't any.
It'd be just for me to tell her
how she's destroyed my family,
and whatever she says or does,
nothing's gonna fix that.
Right. She doesn't deserve to hear that.
You deserve to hold it all inside.
And let it poison me?
I don't think so, Carol.
I was doing reverse psychology
to lead you
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna meet this woman head-on.
She thinks she can do these land grabs?
Well, guess what?
The tanks are turning around.
I wasn't raised
by a war veteran for nothing.
And by the way, I've been doing
pelvic floor exercises this whole time.
I'm doing a big'un right now.
You have no idea what's about to hit you.
Watermelon.
Maybe there is something to live for.
- Hey.
- Look.
It's the only person whose life
is a bigger turd festival than mine.
Still no sign of "Dylan"?
No. What do you want?
I promised Leanne I'd clear my stuff
from the garage. Is she home?
She's not home. Ask me where she is.
- Why would I ask you that?
- Because I want to tell you.
Okay, one double cappuccino
with extra foam,
and an herbal tea with lemon on the side.
We ready to order?
Okay.
Thank you for meeting me.
I don't think you'll be thanking me
when I'm done.
I've got a whole thing, but you go first.
I want you to know I'm not a home-wrecker.
Okay, my turn.
No.
No, no, I mean, technically, yes, I am,
but I never did this.
I'm not somebody
who goes after married men.
Lucky me.
You nailed it on your first try.
How did you two even meet?
He came to my office
for an emergency root canal.
You're Happy Family Dentistry?
I see the irony.
I'm the one that sent him to you.
The ad says, "Your family is my family."
I took it the wholesome way.
It started like that.
Friendly. Just your basic chitchat.
But a root canal takes a few visits,
and each time we just grew closer until,
you know, it crossed that line.
Good Lord, what do you do
with your patients who get veneers?
It snuck up on me.
I swear, I'm usually very professional.
And I always thought Bill
was very married.
I know you want to scream at me
and tell me I'm awful
and how I ruined your life.
Go on, punch me in the mouth.
I can fix it later.
So, what are we thinking? Breakfast?
Lunch?
Okay.
Relax, there's no way
they're talking about you.
Really?
Of course they're talking about you,
you idiot.
I should just ride this into the ocean
and swim to Cuba.
Well, if you see Dylan there,
tell him his leaving was no bueno,
but he's still mi amor.
I'm gonna need five more of these.
Or you could just
pop one of these suckers.
Is that what I think it is?
It must be,
because you just became fascinating.
What the hell?
Anyone ever tell you your face looks like
it should be on a coin?
Syrup?
Thank you.
Just to be clear, we're not bonding.
Right.
A woman's gotta eat.
- Yup.
- And you're eating for two.
No. You don't get to do that with me.
I'm sorry.
It's been happening a lot lately.
I don't want to hear about it.
Call your mama.
She died when I was ten.
Why?
If you need a hug,
we can call the waitress to come over.
I'm fine. It's just…
I know the only reason Bill's
sticking by me is because of the baby.
As a man should.
But he really wants to be with you.
Well, I get a vote on that one.
And I've moved on. He's all yours.
Really?
Yes, really.
I don't like how we got here,
but I'm okay with where I'm going.
I do love him.
And I never thought I'd have a baby,
so I'm pretty excited about that too.
Believe it or not, I'd rather hear that
than "this was all for nothing."
I feel, under different circumstances,
you and I would have been friends.
Maybe not friends, but…
you might have been my dentist.
There's a very good chance
I peaked in high school.
Well, whenever it was, it ain't now.
Leanne was the one. I chased her forever.
You sure did.
Even when Daddy turned the hose on you.
She could have had anyone.
I knew it. I know it.
She was out of your league.
Yes, she was.
She still is.
I'm never dating again.
Dylan set the bar way too high.
A plumber wanted by the FBI.
True, you can't top that.
Well, at least it brought Andrew
into Leanne's life.
Andrew? Is that his name?
"My name's Andrew. You're under arrest."
He doesn't sound like that.
He's super hot.
I know.
I saw them on the porch
with his stupid thick hair.
You know, if you care about Leanne,
why don't you try being happy for her
instead of moping around all day
thinking only about yourself?
Wait, Carol, that's you.
I'm hungry.
Want to bust into my survival gear
and eat some powdered ham?
When did you get all those
doomsday supplies?
I don't remember.
Mad cow, a little fella from North Korea,
Joker 2.
One of those got in my skull
and I loaded up.
You know what, brother?
That's right, you're still my brother.
You're not a loser, and neither am I.
This is life. It's messy.
It's a garage full of crazy, weird stuff
you got when you were scared
and now you're kind of stuck with.
My God, you're right.
I am, aren't I?
So, what do you say?
You want to put on some Black Sabbath,
snort a line of ham?
Well, I guess we can now say we did this.
We did.
Are you okay if I tell Bill?
Absolutely.
And you get bonus points if you take
a picture of his face while you do it.
It was nice to meet you, Leanne.
Take care of yourself.
For what it's worth,
there's no way you're 142 pounds.
Thank you!
I swear, that evil nurse
puts her foot on the scale.
Right?
Then she announces it
like you're weighing in for a prize fight.
Again, we're not bonding.
No. No.
Dad, no!
Don't you already feel
those endorphins kicking in?
All I can feel is blood in my sock.
Thanks for coming with me.
No problem. So when does Andrew get back?
Tonight.
I can't believe
how much I already miss him.
Sorry, less perk, I know.
No, it's fine. Perk away.
What's happening over there?
I'm doing my pelvic exercises.
You have to look at me
when you're doing them?
Come on. You can do them with me.
Fine.
Our relationship might be getting
a little codependent.
What on earth are they doing?