Level Up (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

[whooshing]
He's too fast!
We need to slow
that Rainbow Rider down
if we have any hope at all
of barding it.
Slow-mo darts
should do the trick.
[electronic hum]
[screaming]
Oh! Oh, no! Watch out!
[speaking in slow motion]
Oh, no!
Get the Rainbow Rider!
Yeah, yeah, I get it,
the Rainbow Rider!
Stop the crazy fast guy
we can't see.
[screams]
Smoking boots
that are actually smoking.
Sweet.
Good job.
Oh, man.
Now we've got to wait here
with him for an hour
for the spell to wear off
or carry his butt back to HQ.
Uh, we'll meet you
back at the HQ.
Come on.
We can go mess around
with Wyatt's laptop.
It'll take him
forever to get there.
Not my laptop!
[Wyatt]
You owe me a new hard drive,
and you're not keeping
the boots.
That is completely
and totally unfair.
I barded the Rainbow Rider.
These boots are my loot.
Okay, we all battled
the Rider, one.
And two,
those boots are booty,
and all booty belongs
in the booty box.
[laughing]
Booty.
Would you two stop laughing
if I called it
the loot locker?
[laughs]
Locker.
Look, you're just hating
because it took you an hour
to walk over here.
[slow motion]
Wait up.
Not my computer.
I just think we should be safe
and keep this stuff
under lock and key.
We don't want it ending up
in the wrong hands.
Like mine?
You don't trust me, do you?
Do you trust you?
Of course I don't.
That's deep, man.
Takes a big boy to admit
he doesn't trust himself.
- Thanks.
- Okay, close your eyes.
- Dante--
- What do you expect?
We just went over this.
- Eyes.
- Okay. Go.
So sad.
I found out
that Rainbow Riders
are harmless creatures
from the Deltoid Delta,
just super fast sprites
who are more mischievous
than dangerous.
- We're done for.
- What?
- New leak?
- Worse.
The school has just disbanded
the JV Street Luge Team.
- What? Why? Who?
- Street Luge Team?
I didn't even know there was
a Street Luge Team.
- What? Who?
- And I did not know
Wyatt has panic attacks.
Snap out of it, muchacho!
Okay?
Wyatt and I joined the team
to get out of going to P.E.
- How? What?
- [together]
Aah!
Technically, the Street Luge
was cancelled a year ago
when Coach Cocky missed
the turn at Breakneck Corner
and luged into
a wrought-iron fence.
But thanks
to some clever hacking,
we were able to keep it alive
on paper until now.
[sobs]
Here's your lock.
Which means that
we're going to have to go to--
[both whimper]
gym class.
What's the big deal with P.E.?
What's the big deal with P.E.?
Wyatt.
If we're to believe everything
we see in movies,
and we do, P.E.
is nothing but
a barrage
of wet towel beatings
and dodge-ball related
head trauma.
And running, lots of running
around the track.
- It's a circle, folks.
- It's a circle.
You end up
right where you started.
Okay, they shoved him
in a locker.
That is five shoved
in a locker,
scene seven--
dodge-ball massacres
and too many rope climbs
ending in being pants
to count.
Why are you doing that?
You're just going
to work yourself
up a Wyatt
what-why-who frenzy.
I'm developing
a strategy, see?
If I get locked in a locker,
at least nobody
can pull down my pants.
Okay, here's the only thing
you need to be thinking
about gym class,
two words-- lay-dies.
Oh, you're right.
Now I have to worry
about the way girls
are going to pick on me.
No, think about it.
You're going to be locked
in a room
with girls wearing cute shorts
and their hair pulled back
in interesting ways,
beauty in its purest form.
They don't really lock you
in a room in gym class,
do they?
That would be a fire hazard.
If you can't focus
on the Bettys and Veronicas,
then let me give you
the only other piece
of advice you'll need.
Best way to avoid being
a target
is to prove that you're not
the weakest link.
Just act all bat-poo crazy,
and people'll back off
and leave you alone.
At least I'll have Dante
with me.
He's naturally bat-poo crazy.
[chuckles]
Hugginson, hey.
Your big game,
your gigantic poster,
you're tall, you hang it.
I would but I can't risk
paper cuts before
the big game.
This is our year to take down
those jerks at Crosstown High
and their stupid mascot
Conroy the Cougar.
That cramp used
our long jump pit
as a litter box.
- Oh, no.
- [Coach] Hugginson.
I've got some bad news.
- Take a knee.
- Coach, we're in the hallway.
Right. I'm going
to let it go this time.
Kowalski,
our number-one receiver,
your go-to guy,
the guy's going to win
the game for us on Friday?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's hurt.
- What?
- Some kind of butt injury.
- I don't know the details.
- I don't want to hear
the details.
Some kind of accident
in the bathroom.
I wish I could unhear that.
Anyway, count on losing
the game on Friday
and the Friday after that.
Season is a wash, people.
It's a wash!
Good pep talk.
[chuckles]
[Wyatt groaning]
- What? Why?
- [student passes gas]
Do you really think telling
the team they're going to lose
is the best way to get them
psyched for the big game?
Hey, I'm a truth teller.
I tell it like it is.
When I heard Kowalski
backed into a radiator
at home after a shower,
I knew we were done for.
Radiator? I heard he went
down a waterslide
with no water,
and the friction melted
his shorts right
to his buttocks.
[chattering]
[screaming]
- Coach, I'm not kneeling!
[chuckling]
- [whistle blows]
Dante, Coach Farber wants
to talk to you.
[buzzer sounds]
Continue.
Listen, I'm more
of a visual learner
than a verbal learner,
so if you're going to say
something,
I probably
won't understand it.
- Son, take a knee.
- Visual.
[clears throat]
I'm sure you heard
about Kowalski's butt burn.
It's all
anyone's talking about.
Kowalski's butt burn.
Awesome band name.
With speed like yours
on Friday night,
we will destroy
Crosstown High.
Destroy? You said
we were going to lose.
Hey,
I'm an all-or-nothing guy.
You want me
on the football team?
[laughs]
I'm more of a guy
who eats dropped hot dogs
under the bleachers
during football games.
Well, now, you are going
to be on the field.
Uh, I'm not so sure--
If you are on the team,
you don't have to take
gym class.
I am right here.
Take me with you, please.
[laughing]
Yeah.
- [whistle blows]
- Yeah.
[laughing]
What I want to know
is why Kowalski was
bare-butting at the aquarium.
Hut.
Aquarium? I heard Big Joe Chalms
made him eat
a triple dose
of chili buffalo wings.
I mean, he got them down,
but the next morning,
let's just say there was
an exit wound.
And then he sat on a bee hive.
Ooh.
Gentlemen,
our disaster is over.
You remember that speech
I gave before practice
about not having a chance
on Friday?
You're not going to give it
again, are you?
Because I can't try no more,
Coach.
I'm all dried up.
You're not going to have to,
son
because of this young man.
Dante Ontero is here
to save the day.
You work him in as receiver.
Shut the front door.
Coach Farber said
that you guys
were little birdies
with broken wings
and that you needed
a pterodactyl like me
to fly this team
to the victory volcano.
- Coach said that?
- Yeah.
You're just playing football
so you don't have to go
to P.E., aren't you?
What about Wyatt?
Wait, Lyle,
you know this shrimp?
Uh, no.
I mean, I've seen him around
with that other guy
that I don't know-- Wyatt.
Look, Dante, this isn't
goofing off at the skate park.
This is football,
a real sport,
with cheerleaders,
amusing animal mascots,
and electrolyte
punishing sports drinks,
stuff that matters.
You can't just step
upon the grid iron
and expect to become
a receiver.
Really? Because I just did.
[warbling]
Okay, I think you're doing
this as a big joke,
and I'm calling your bluff.
- Go long.
- Yeah? Yeah?
I'm going to catch.
I'm going to catch this bluff.
Ready for me to catch
"zee" bluff?
Let's do it, yeah.
Come on.
Hut!
Whoo!
What's up?
[hooting]
Where's my sports drink?
Oh, yeah!
[grunting]
[weeping]
Are you crying again, man?
Tears of joy, man.
Tears of joy.
We're going to crush
Crosstown High.
[sobs]
[grunting]
Yeah! What up, Lyle?
Have you seen Dante?
He's about this tall,
smiles like he's either
off the deep end
or having a great time.
Face forward, meat.
[chuckles]
Find something else
to focus on.
Ladies, those are
some interesting hairstyles--
ponytail, bun,
ooh, la la, French braid.
Ugh, Angie.
Who taught you how to hit
a shuttlecock, your grandma?
Looking solid out
there, Prietto.
The way you play,
they should call it
"goodminton."
Uh, kind.
Heads up, meat!
- Goal!
- [cheers]
I did it.
I did it.
I'm on your team, neuron.
You. Two minutes for fighting.
What? No, no, he started it.
Don't give me that, Wyatt.
You just went berserk.
Into the penalty box.
You sit out for two minutes.
Sit out for two minutes?
[teacher blows whistle]
Continue.
[Angie]
How's gym class?
Horrible until I figured out
that if I'm bat-poo crazy,
I'll be okay.
- What?
- You'll see.
This morning I woke up
- [growling]
- [whistle blowing]
[laughing]
[whistle blows]
And it felt
kind of strange ♪
[whistle blows]
There's something
going on here ♪
- [whistle blows]
- Oh. No problem.
Or I'm just crazy insane
Come on, come on
Get up, get up
Let's go,
won't you follow me? ♪
Let's go,
won't you follow me now? ♪
Won't someone
follow me now? ♪
Pretty clever,
Mr. Penalty Man.
Not as clever as what Dante
did to get out of gym class
entirely.
That guy cannot be trusted.
So those are
The very ones.
Which means you found the
- Totally.
- Where?
Plane cockpit.
I was a ninja stealth.
He'll never know.
Right.
You know, Wyatt said
they were hidden
in plane sight.
Why did he even give
us a hint?
He's a gamer.
He can't help it.
[class bell rings]
- Yikes, I've got to jet.
- Whoa.
[chuckles]
Dante, you're cool.
You should get
some fries and gravy with us
at Bear Superstar Diner.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure, you should.
Well, tomorrow's
the big day, boys.
Crosstown High and that smug
little mascot of theirs
is finally going to get
what's coming to them
thanks
to that magical combination
of Ontero and Hugginson.
- [barks]
- Uh, Coach.
I think you mean mostly
Hugginson, right,
and a little bit of Ontero,
my man.
Hey, we're all equals here,
okay?
Well, except for me.
[laughs]
And let's face it,
Ontero is pretty amazing.
Hoo-ra.
Here's your uni.
Oh, uh,
I'm probably
more comfortable
wearing my own shoes
rather than
these spiky things.
It's not a fashion show, okay?
You gotta wear
regulation gear.
Coach, but, see,
the thing is
these are Dante's lucky shoes,
so we were thinking
that maybe we could
figure something out
so that he could wear them.
Look, you want to put
a rabbit's foot
down your pants,
eat a four-leaf clover,
you knock yourself out, okay?
But the ref is not going
to let you on the field
without regulation cleats.
Huh?
You thinking
what I'm thinking?
That we're totally borked?
Supercalifraga-borked.
[whimpers]
[students chattering]
Hey, everybody,
let's hear it for Dante.
[cheering]
Or not.
I haven't played yet.
You never know
about these things.
Ah, buddy, Dante!
[all chanting]
Dante, Dante
[retching]
What's up?
Nothing.
Just Barbara's soy sausage
surprise for brekkie again.
How's gym class?
I'm surviving,
no thanks to you.
Nice boots,
or should I say
nice paint job
on ill-gotten boots.
I thought the boots
would keep me from getting
my butt kicked in gym.
And what about me and gym?
You were very clear
you didn't want to use
any of the stuff
from the booty box.
I was very clear
I didn't want any of us
using the stuff
from the booty box.
Well, maybe you--
[retches]
should have been clearer
about that.
Okay? I didn't think the boots
would land me
on the football team.
I just thought they'd keep me
from getting pummeled
in P.E.,
and they saved your face,
right?
I guess so.
P.E.'s not actually that bad.
I'm the most penalized player
in floor hockey history.
I'm sitting more than I do
in science class.
- Hope you're happy.
- I'm miserable.
I just found out
I can't wear the boots
during the game.
See? These things
always lead to trouble.
Oh, I wish
I'd turn back time
so you never took those boots.
Wish? Stop wishing
and start enjoying this.
I'll run around the world
at super speed,
reverse the Earth's rotation,
and turn back time.
That is not going to work.
That's what they said
to Abraham Lincoln,
and he traveled
back in time.
That is why you're
failing history
and science.
- You wanted to talk,
Mr. Black.
- [gasps]
You know,
I didn't think it was possible
for anyone to fail
physical education,
but you may be the first.
What?
You spend more time
in the penalty box
than you do playing.
I grade on participation,
not relaxitation.
An F will put a serious dent
in my perfect GPA,
which will completely destroy
my 20-year plan,
and then I'll never be
a fireman on the moon!
Okay, I made that plan
when I was six,
but I'm sticking to it.
What do I have to do
to get an A?
[groans]
- Get over it, Wyatt.
- Do I get extra credit
for extra pain?
[groans]
- Hey, you seen Dante?
- He's running around the Earth
trying to turn back time.
Well, he better be doing
something to fix this.
[whooshes]
[gasps]
I did it.
I did it.
I ran around the Earth.
- What year is it.
- You did not time travel.
You just missed
an hour of school.
Oh, yeah?
Well, if it is the future,
then what did I have
for breaky yesterday?
That makes no sense.
Oh, man! I didn't go
back in time.
Curse you, Abraham Lincoln.
Also not making sense--
the people you blame it on.
- [class bell rings]
- [exhales]
I guess I'm going
to have to try my best
without these shoes.
Translation--
I'm going to get mutilated
on the football field.
I just got mutilated in gym.
Mutilation club?
What's up, yeah?
[groans]
Next time you run around
the world, wear socks.
And for his display
of Trojan fighting spirit,
we dedicate this game
to Kyle Kowalski,
who taught us all a lesson
about zip-lines
and porcupines.
[audience applauding]
Hey, stay on your side,
Cougar!
Kowalski's never getting
a date
from anyone
at the school ever again.
Get out there, boys!
Go!
Get out there!
Go! Get in there!
Get rough! Yeah!
[whistle blows]
Yep.
Oh, look, they're all huddled
in some sort of
meeting circle.
All right, Ontero,
this is it.
You're up.
Bring it home, son.
You snap right,
tiger left.
Get 'em in there.
No, I'm not sure that's
the best idea, Coach.
I'm not paying you to think.
I'm paying you
to play football.
You're not paying me at all.
Get in there!
- Get!
- [whistle blows]
- [cheering]
- Yeah!
All right, boys,
let's hold it down.
Dante, get out of here.
Go back and sit down.
What are you doing?
- Get in there!
- [stammers]
Oh.
Come on!
All right, guys,
let's try a 36 toss.
What are you doing back here?
I told you, just go.
The coach said
I had to come back.
I don't get it.
Dante's our guy, remember?
We all chanted his name
in the hallway.
That doesn't happen
by accident, you know.
- All right, 34 power,
on one, ready?
- [sobbing]
Break!
[whistle blows]
- [growling]
- [stammering]
I'm warning you.
I scream like a little girl.
- [growls]
- [whimpers]
W-W-Whoa.
- Get off the field!
- [whistle blowing]
[audience groans]
- What's that?
- The Crosstown High Cougar's
out of control!
What--
Is it over?
Am I dead?
It's me, Wyatt.
What? What?
What are you doing?
You saved my butt
in gym class.
I'm saving yours
on the football field.
Thanks, man,
but where is
the real Crosstown Cougar?
Help! Let me out of here!
It really smells!
Okay, when I get up,
chase me
and pretend
you sprained something.
Okay. Hey, how'd you learn
to tackle like that,
my friend?
Just something I picked up
in gym class.
Okay, let's do it.
Let's go.
[groaning]
I sprained
this part of my leg.
This game is forfeit.
Daventry wins due
to mascot interference.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Kill that cougar!
We did it!
I mean, not like
I thought we would,
but a win's a win.
Where's Wyatt?
That's him.
I bet he's glad I took
those boots now.
He's going to love
my foot fungus.
[moans]
No more magical footwear.
These blisters are killer.
But this foot bath
feels amazing.
Hey, how come it smells
like soup?
Because it is soup,
chicken noodle.
It cures everything.
It cures colds, you neuron.
You're supposed to eat it.
All right.
Mm.
No!
Good.
[slurps]