On the Buses (1969) s01e07 Episode Script

How do you think we get on there, then, Jack?
Ain't it Iris?
Yeah, she must be back from Basildon.
What are they doing on our board, then, Cheek?
God, why?
Oh, very good.
Very good indeed, love.
Ian, do you mind?
Yes, I do.
Here's your darts.
Blimey, it's you.
Yeah, it's me, Iris.
Do you mind getting off the board?
Me and Jack are going to have a practise.
Go on, Jack.
Charming, we were here first.
Now, look, we've got a serious match coming up.
Now, pack it in.
We don't allow women to use the dartboard.
Oh, ain't it marvellous?
They won't let us have equal pay.
They won't let us become inspectors.
They won't let us drive the buses.
What will you let us do?
Shall we tell them?
Thank you very much.
I'll tell you something.
I can drive the bus as well as you can any day.
Darling, if you want to learn how to play darts, come round to my place.
I've got a special games room.
It's got a dartboard on the ceiling.
I'll tell you what, though, mate, she's a bit of all right.
No laugh, mate.
Sixteen.
You've still got to get a double eight to finish.
Oh, God, blimey.
A double eight, we'll be here all night.
Here you are, love.
Here's your darts.
Oh, thanks.
Right.
You liberty taker, give me my darts back.
If you want them, you get them.
Go on.
Come here.
Give them back.
No, no, stop.
No, stop fucking looking.
Go on, give me a go.
I'll try again.
Stop fucking looking.
Go on.
No, no, stop.
Ow!
What's the matter?
Blimey, your badge is sticking in me.
Butler.
What's going on here, then?
Just practising a little self-defence, all in wrestling.
We'll take the busman's grab, is it?
No, the clipper's clutch.
Come on.
Break it up.
Come on.
He could break it up if he wanted to.
He's enjoying it.
Butler, the company does not pay you to enjoy the clippers.
Let her go.
Come on.
Now, tell him to give us our darts back.
You're like a silly big kid.
Give her her darts back.
Go on.
Thank you.
It's daft.
Darts ain't for women.
They're no good at it.
What?
Listen, we two could take you two on any time you like.
Oh, don't talk stupid.
We'd make you look silly.
What's the matter?
You scared?
You're frightened a couple of girls are going to show you up, are you?
All right, you're on.
All right?
Saturday night?
You'll be sorry.
We'll beat your hands down.
Oh, you want to bet?
We'll bet you a quid, eh, Jenny?
Yeah, sure.
All right, you're on for a quid.
A measly quid?
Go on, make it a fiver.
Oh, Jack, it's like taking candy from a kid.
All right, then, fiver.
We all right with you?
A fiver to a quid.
You're on.
Right, I'll witness that.
Five pound of yours to one of hers, right?
No!
Oh, no, come on.
I mean, it's only fair, isn't it?
You two are much better than we are, aren't you?
Of course we are.
All right, then, go on.
Let's see you get that double eight, then.
Oh, double eight!
I like a good laugh, don't you?
I don't know.
I'll have a go.
Know where it is, do you?
The old lady there.
The cottage loaf, got it.
There it is.
Double eight, right?
Yeah.
Double eight.
Er, lucky it was a fluke.
Here, Stan, I reckon you'd better start practising when you get home tonight.
You can't afford to chance your arm with Iris.
Not when it comes to darts, anyway.
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean, mate, yeah.
Oh, look, is it all right there, Mum?
Yes, that's all right, love, only do take care of the paint.
Yeah, all right, then.
Evening, all.
How are you, Arthur?
What do you think you're doing?
You can't play darts, I've got to sit down to my evening meal, haven't I?
You're all right, safe enough.
What?
I'm not sitting there with darts whizzing all over me head.
You go and play somewhere else.
Look, mate, I've told you I've got this match on, haven't I?
God, look, mate, I can't let the women beat us.
Oh, I didn't know you played games with the clippies.
All the time.
First time they played darts, though.
What do they usually play?
You want to go round the back of the depot one Saturday night, makes up the
junction, look like a prayer meeting.
Look, mate, I am in the proper team, and I need some practise, it's important.
How childish you busmen are.
I don't come home after a day's work and play darts, do I?
You don't have to.
Booking Clark on the British Rail.
You've got one up in your office.
Don't be facetious.
You can play somewhere else.
Ah, stop nagging.
You didn't marry me, you married her.
Anyway, I need a clear nine feet.
We'll play in a bedroom, then.
All right, I'll play in a bedroom.
No, no, no, you're not going to play in the bedroom.
No, last time he did that, the door was covered in little holes.
I spent hours spraying it with that special stuff before I found out it wasn't
woodworm.
It was woodworm.
Rubbish.
I was up there, I didn't see no worms.
No, they came out, looked at you, crawled back in again.
But anyway, the bedroom is no place to play darts in.
No.
Oh, I'm thinking of taking it up, though.
Well, at least it would keep you awake.
Well, you've got to admit, these old feather darts might be old-fashioned, but
they're the best.
Great balance these have got.
Do you mind?
All right, mate, don't get worried now.
All right, Arthur, don't worry.
Sam's got a very good eye.
When he was a little boy, he used to play Red Indians.
Aye?
With a bow and arrow, of course.
But he had no target to shoot at.
No, he used me.
He used to tie olive to a tree.
Did he, really?
I didn't hit her.
Yes, you did, I've got the mark.
I never seen it.
I showed it to you on our honeymoon.
Yeah, well, I was asleep, wasn't I?
Nice one!
Yeah, well, perhaps I can have my dinner now.
Where is it?
Well, I've made you a nice chicken stew.
I think it's ready by now, love.
Yeah, I'll get it.
Right, let's have a go at this double top, then.
OK, here we go.
That was a bit wide, wasn't it?
It was Olive's fault, you great steward.
No, no, no, don't use that language here, please.
I haven't used it yet.
Where'd the dart go?
It sounded as if it hit the shelf.
No, it went in the stew.
Aye?
Oh, no, it's gone in there.
Oh, blimey, it's ruined it.
I can't see it.
Well, if it's in there, it's coming out, that's it.
Do you mind not sticking your great airy fingers in my dinner?
All right, you get it out.
All right, all right, all right.
Go on.
What's this?
That's it, that's it.
That happens to be a chicken bone.
That's it, it's got feathers on it.
When Olive cooks chicken, it's always got feathers on it.
Get it out.
All right, all right, here we are.
Here, you grab it.
Oh, God, look at that.
Look at it, Dorrie.
It ain't got a parson's nose.
God, look at that.
It's spoilt it.
Look, how am I going to clean it off?
Lick it off.
No, thank you.
It's not a poison dart.
Well, it is now.
It's been in her stew.
Now, don't do it.
That could be rude to Olive and her cooking.
Has it spoilt it?
Of course it has.
Oh, dear.
All right, Arthur, I'll have to get you some sausages.
Blimey, I didn't mean the stew.
I meant the dart.
Look, it's knocked all the feathers off it for a start, hasn't it?
I can't play with it like that.
Upset the balance.
Rubbish.
Look, it is not rubbish, mate.
It'll alter the centre of gravity and interfere with the angle of the flight.
What a lot of rot you two talk.
That's a six-mini dart, not a supersonic Concorde.
Look, mate, all I know is it's ruined.
Got it?
Look, there's no feathers on it.
I can't play an exhibition match without a proper dart.
All right, all right.
Let's just hope this is still worth eating.
Yep.
That's not chicken.
Look at that, an earring.
Oh, good, I'll be looking for that all day.
Here, Olive, you can have this dart.
It's no good to me.
What have I won it for?
Pierce your ears with.
Has anyone seen my thimble?
Oh, hi.
Here, have a look in the stew.
It's probably in there where everything else seems to be.
Oh, keep them there, Jack, mate.
Yes.
Oh, I like that.
Hello, hello.
You boys got the wind up or something?
They've been here practising all day.
Oh, are you kidding?
Stan's breaking in his new darts.
Go on, Sian, three at the double top.
Three at the double top?
Yeah.
All right, here we go then.
Oh, marvellous.
I'll tell you something, Jenny here can do better than that with one hand tied
behind her back.
What, her?
She's useless.
That's not what you said last night.
Oh, shit.
What's up?
I don't know, I can't seem to get me hang of these new darts.
Yeah, well, you'd better start practising then, haven't you?
The match is tonight, you know.
It'll be all right, don't worry, it'll be all right.
Look, I've got to go and get me way, Bill.
You've got ten minutes now, keep playing with them.
It's the only way and don't let those girls put you off.
They won't worry me.
Right.
What's the matter with you?
All right then.
Got it.
Hey, look, he's getting the hang of those new darts.
Yeah.
Still, there's more than one way of winning a darts match.
I had a date with him once, I shan't forget in a hurry.
He fancies me.
I'll go and chat him up.
You watch this.
Stan?
Yeah?
You got a light?
My lighter doesn't work.
Yeah, of course I have, love.
Yeah, I've got one here.
One minute.
Fingers and thumbs with the darts and the matches, you know.
Yeah.
Here you are.
Oh, keep it still, love.
You can't get a light, will you?
You want a light or not?
Here you are.
How's that?
Oh, bloody!
Oh, dear.
Oh, I burnt my finger then.
Oh, have you?
Here, let me kiss it better.
One minute.
There, better?
Yeah, only I burnt me thumb.
Blimey, I better kiss that too, now.
There.
Better?
Yeah.
I wish I'd burnt me lips.
You are cheeky.
I was just saying to Jenny over there, it's always the quiet ones.
Well, you know.
What are you doing tonight?
What do you mean?
We're playing a darts match.
No, I mean after the darts match.
Oh, nothing.
Why?
Well, I just wondered if you'd like to come back to my place?
For what?
Victory.
Victory celebration.
Oh, yeah?
Whose victory?
Oh, yours, of course.
Oh, yeah?
Well
Only my landlady's out till 11, we'll have the whole place to ourselves.
Here, turn it in, you're giving me ideas, you know.
What's wrong with that?
Oh, nothing, but you know
Right, you're on, you're on.
I'll see you after the match, all right?
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Cool.
Stan?
Here.
What?
You haven't been fraternising with the enemy?
No, I was just giving Iris a light.
So this inspector you see, who had a little moustache just like you, he said,
you're going on your honeymoon, you've got no money.
Get off!
Very droll, that.
You've got exactly five minutes to go by my chronometer.
This match was due to start at seven o'clock prompt.
It will therefore start at seven o'clock prompt.
Well, I want it to start dead on time too.
That'd be a change, wouldn't it?
Well, you've got exactly five
No, four minutes 50 to go.
Right.
Now, what do you want me to write on this?
Bassman versus Clippies?
Well, we're not fried cod and steamed pudding, are we?
The way I see it, there's not much difference.
Yeah, he writes well in chalk, doesn't he?
Yeah, I recognise that.
You're the one who's always writing on the back wall of the garage.
Yeah.
And other places.
Twit.
Well, let's face it, you never go anywhere without your little pencil.
Very humorous, that.
Come and check the board, shall we?
Jenny?
OK.
Stan?
Yeah?
We could do with a clean duster for that board.
Be a love.
Hey, I think they're in that cupboard.
Yeah, all right.
No, of course I will.
Right, I've got one here.
Oh.
Get it over as quick as possible, eh?
Well, yeah.
There's your duster there.
Oh, thanks.
Ah.
Well, because I've got to weigh up these new headers, of course, you see.
I mean, I've never done them before, you see.
It's all, you know, the flight and that.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But don't forget, the landlady's only out till 11.
Oh, yeah, don't worry.
I'll bash them in so fast I'll singe her feathers.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Here, have a drink.
No, thanks.
No, I just had one.
Go on, have another.
No, no, no.
Not till after the match.
Oh, dear.
Don't tell me you're one of those blokes who can't do anything after a couple
of drinks.
Oh, of course not.
Oh, good.
Cos I like a man who can hold his liquor.
Oh, well, all right, then.
That's it.
That's it.
Oh, lovely.
Well, get ready for the slaughter, eh?
Cor, that's smashing stuff.
What's that?
I like it.
Nuit de mort.
Yeah?
What's that mean?
Night of love.
Yeah?
I only use it on special occasions.
What are you putting it on for now?
Oh, don't worry.
It lasts.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, well, yeah.
I bet they don't sell that to girls of 16.
Yeah, that's right.
And I don't waste it on little boys.
It's always cracking stuff, isn't it?
It's smashing it.
Do you like it?
Yeah, I reckon that ought to get extra certificate.
And let's have a
Oh!
Hey, Stan.
Hey, Stan, come on.
Yeah, it's all right, Jack.
Yeah, yeah.
Come in.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Hello, Stan.
Oh, hello, Arthur.
Jack told us to come along.
I'm surprised you didn't ask us.
Well, I would have done, Mum, but, you know, I didn't think it was all that
exciting, you know.
You look a bit excited.
Hello, Mr B.
Hello, Jack.
Welcome.
Look, we're just starting.
Are you ready, Stan?
Yes, I'm ready.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Oh, Mum, you've
Hello, Iris.
Yes, I know her.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Well, Arthur, if you'd like to sit there, and, Mum, I'll get you a chair, and
you'll get a better view from here.
Olive, sit down there.
And I'll see you later, Mum, see?
All right, love.
Come on, Iris.
I do hope you enjoy the match.
Yes, I hope so.
Oh, dear, fancy putting on all that perfume.
Place reeks of it.
You ask me, she didn't dab it on.
She had a scrub down in it.
Do you think I ought to wear perfume like hers, Arthur?
Yeah, yeah, good idea.
Wouldn't it make me too sort of sexy?
No, you put some on, might cut out the smell of that winter green ointment.
Right, now, pay attention, will you?
Now, pay attention.
For God's sake, pay attention.
Come on.
Right.
This match is going to be one straight game of 1,001 down, right?
And neither side gets off until both members have scored a double.
Oh, I'll fix that.
Make it more difficult for the girls, eh?
Right.
The bussermen who have won the toss, so they go off first.
Right, drive off.
I mean, first throw.
Keep them here, Jack.
Right.
Lovely.
That's a double.
One double to the bussmen.
Careful.
And a double for the ladies.
That's the one.
I can't wait for this to be over, eh, Stan?
Yeah, of course.
Cool.
Darn, darn, darn.
Gets me going.
Turn up, turn up.
Yeah, that's it.
All right.
Steady, steady.
Concentrate, boy.
Right in between that one.
Oh, it's no good.
I can't play darts with me jacket on.
Here.
Angle to this a minute, Jenny.
Right.
You missed the board.
Forget about Iris.
Those are the doubles you're supposed to have your eye on.
Oh, what a brazen girl that Iris is.
Hope she's not after Stan.
She knows that that sweater's too tight.
Oh, Mum, men don't marry sixpots like her, do they, Arthur?
Aye.
Well, some of us don't.
Right, please.
Right, please.
Double eight scored.
Right.
And an eight.
23 scored.
Stan, boy, you're the only one not off now.
Concentrate.
Don't worry.
I've just got to get the hang of these darts, haven't I?
Right.
What the hell do you think you're playing at?
Build up!
I've still got to get 76, haven't I?
We've still got to get 1,001.
We haven't even started.
Now, for God's sake, get a double.
All right, I'll get a double this time.
Turn around, please.
Yes, I will.
Good luck, Stan.
How's that then, eh?
Yes.
Eh?
That's all right.
How about that, then?
Oh, what a lovely shot!
Oh, what a beautiful double, eh?
Yes.
Beautiful double.
Sorry I can't allow it.
Why not?
Look at your feet.
I'm the wrong side of the white line.
I'm not surprised.
That's the way you always drive the bus.
You idiot!
Look, mate, when I'm playing darts, I don't look at me feet.
Pity.
You might play better if you did.
I got a double, didn't I?
I'll get a double next time round.
Quiet, please.
Lady's throw.
Right.
Seventy-six required.
Seventy-six, right.
Quiet, please.
Eighteen.
Twenty.
Double nineteen required.
Double nineteen, right.
Shot!
That's beautiful.
A complete whitewash.
Whitewash.
Where's the money?
Here you are.
Five pounds you won.
And here's your pound-staked money.
Thank you very much.
Congratulations.
Hard luck, boys.
Whitewash.
One, two, three for you, Jen.
One, two, three for me.
Oh, that was absolutely lovely.
Right.
Come on.
You drew out five minutes ago.
Come on.
Thank you.
You made us look like a right couple of berks, didn't you?
Well, well, well.
Fancy you losing.
Well, I wonder what happened.
I don't know.
Oh, well.
Don't think about it any more.
Now, come on.
Let's go back to my place, eh?
You'll soon forget all about darts.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, then, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, I'll get me jacket.
Yeah, oh, yeah, all right, yeah.
Well, I enjoyed that.
I thought you played very well.
Oh, cut the fit, Arthur.
I was right off form.
I thought you played better than usual.
Oh.
I thought he was very good.
He lost.
Oh, well, well.
It wasn't his fault.
Jack let him down.
Oh, blimey.
Here, Stan.
See mum home, will you?
Oliver and me are going to pictures.
See the happiest days of your life.
Come on, sunshine.
No, wait a minute.
Not tonight, Arthur.
Please.
No, no, no.
Good night, Jack.
Ah.
Ah, Jack.
Look, you live next door.
See mum home, will you?
Sorry, mate.
I've got to chat over a bit of business with the lads.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, I'm ready.
Look, Irish.
I'll have to take mum home first.
You know.
You what?
Well, um.
Something wrong?
Well, we did, you know, sort of have a date, like.
We made arrangements and.
I don't want to spoil your fun.
You bring her home.
I made a nice steak and kidney pudding.
It's quite enough for three of you.
No.
No, thanks very much.
But no.
Well.
Oh, God.
I don't know what to do really.
Oh.
Oh, it's quite all right.
I'll find my way home.
I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll take me across the main road.
Main road?
Yes, I don't see very well in the dark, you know.
Of course, if I'd known.
And I'd have brought me other glasses.
Oh, God.
Other glasses.
I'll tell you what, Irish.
Look.
I'll see my mum first.
Then I'll come round to you later.
Look, don't bother.
Don't bother.
It won't take long.
No, look.
We'll make it some other time.
I'll tell you.
It won't take long.
It won't take long.
Oh, Irish.
I've been thinking, you know.
I'm very impressed with your game.
You've got a lovely action there.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I've just been talking to the lads.
We wondered if you'd like to join the official team.
There ain't a vacancy.
There is now.
Well, the lads thought you ought to be rested for a bit.
Nothing personal, mate.
But, I mean, well, you're right off, aren't you?
Oh, I see.
Look, I'd like to talk to you about the fixtures.
Fancy a glass over the boozer?
No, I've got a better idea than that.
Look, I've got a lovely supper for two ready at my place.
Do you fancy going back there?
Oh, smashing, yeah.
Right.
Right.
Good night, Stan.
Good night.
Look, we're playing the Gasworks next.
It's always a nice fixture.
Yeah.
You'll enjoy that.
I will.
I'd love to, mate.
Oh, I see.
Ah, well, come on up.
Let's go up.
All right.
There's nothing to bang about here now.
Don't forget your new darts.
Oh, leave them for what good they are.
They're lousy.
Oh, I think they're very pretty.
That's about all they are, ma'am.
Can I have a go?
What, with these?
Yes.
Do you want them?
Yeah, go on, then.
All right.
You used to stand on the eight-foot white line for the ladies, yeah?
Just there.
It's like anywhere in that ring, that round thing there.
Round ball.
Anywhere.
Oh, blimey.
You got a double top.
Oh, was that what I was supposed to do?
Well, yeah, but
Well, gosh, you know, it's beginner's luck, you know.
I bet you wouldn't get another double with that dart.
All right.
Oh, no.
Oh, was that another double?
No, it's a treble.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, you crafty old thing.
You've played this game before.
Oh, I haven't.
But you must have done it.
It started with a double.
Look, if I were to throw that, I'm sure I wouldn't even get it on the board.
Go on, then.
Oh, no, I give up.
Oh, was that another treble?
No, it was a bullseye.
Blimey, it's a pity you're not a clippy.
They put you in a team.
In place of Iris?
Come on, love.
Let's go home and have our steak kidney pudding.
Ah, what am I going to do with the rest of the evening?
Oh, well, we can
We can put the dartboard up and
Stan, you never know.
Your old mum can teach you a few tricks.
No doubt.
Come on, love.