President Curtis (2026) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Happy birthday to you
And many more
Yeah!
You know I can't blow
those candles out.
I'm a ghost.
I just thought you'd appreciate
the ceremony since…
well, you know,
you can't leave the bedroom.
- And what's his problem?
- O'Doyle. Stop staring.
Sorry, it's just wild
there's no exit wound.
Is the bullet still in there?
Like, as a ghost bullet?
I mean, did the bullet
become a ghost, too?
Sorry,
O'Doyle's half-Leprechaun
and all vibe killer.
Perhaps we should call it.
It's not like
I can do anything.
You sure about that?
- Gloves?
- Ghost Gloves.
I had Dr. Finch
cook them up for you.
Put your right hand in here
and wiggle your fingers,
one by one.
Okay…?
Right now, the glove's
ectosonic sensors are scanning
your psychic footprint
and creating a field
that gives your hand mass.
- By God!
- Here. Grab it.
I… I can feel it.
I-I can hold things!
You've got hands, Abe!
Eeee!
A bedpost? Table?!
Sheets!
Curtis, my good man.
This is the greatest gift ever!
I gotta say,
seeing Abe Lincoln
get ghost gloves has to be
one of the best moments…
Launch codes, launch codes.
Excuse me?
Sorry, I-I don't know
where that came from.
From your dirty mouth.
Stop eyeing me like
a bullet wound, O'Doyle.
It's not like I…
launch codes, access PIN.
Wow.
Okay, I admit
this is kinda weird.
Malware?
Fucking robots, man.
This is a huge security issue.
All right,
you two deal with that.
Seems like the bigger story,
I'll just hang with Lincoln.
Guys, let's not overreact,
I'm completely…
launch…
- I'll take care of it.
- Yeah, it's a thing.
It's warm.
The vomit is warm!
Why are we in the room
where Curtis goes to avoid
his brother's calls?
Because it's a faraday cage,
no data can get in or out.
Which is what we need
while we're hunting this…
gate code, White House.
Son of a bitch.
Self-cloaking trojan horse.
Banks,
you're the Chief of Staff,
not a fart fetish porn site,
you're not allowed
to have a virus.
God, you sound just
like the people
at the Bureau of Robotics.
Is that who made your
dumb robot brain?
No, NuMind made my brain.
They were this amazing,
short-lived biotech startup.
I was their only prototype.
The B.O.R. is basically
a fucking Jiffy Lube.
They do government-
mandated checkups on my brain
to make sure stuff
like this doesn't happen.
So why aren't we there?
Because I've never had a virus,
and if I report this,
they'll fire me.
So…why aren't we there?
O'Doyle, do you
really want Jeff
to be the one
going into my mind
to retrieve classified data
from a piece of rogue malware?
'Cause Jeff's the guy.
He smells like Doritos,
and he always forgets
to recalibrate the diodes.
- You are a mess.
- Don't worry, I got this.
Pentagon access PIN.
Ugh, hold on.
I might puke.
- Okay, screw this.
- What?
You think I trust you
to do this?
You plug in and fuck up
and go Scarlet Witch
on the White House,
that makes me look bad.
No. No way, sister.
I'm going in.
I'll terminate
that malware myself.
Shirt's off.
Decision's made.
I mean…
I'd love to clap back,
but I don't really have
any other options.
- 'Course you don't.
- Okay.
Just need to customize
your avatar…
Stop! Stop giving me
a witch nose!
Hmm…Ooh, mirror image.
- Banks!
- Fine.
Happy, you baby?
You're hot now.
- Yes.
- You might scream a bit.
Whoa!
Of course there's
a cockpit in your brain.
Hi, there!
How can I help you today?
Uh, there's
a little girl here.
That's the user interface.
She pops up whenever
someone loads in.
I customized her to look like
a little girl version of me.
- That's insane.
- What's insane?
A thing someone said.
I see you work
for the B.O.R.?
You do assume that.
If I said otherwise,
that would make me a liar.
Great!
Let's get you your toolkit!
Jesus Christ,
just learn to lie you weirdo.
All righty.
Diagnostic visor,
neuroscanner.
Which sector
are you inspecting?
- Memories.
- I'm here for memories.
Great!
This tube will drop you
into a recent memory,
since they're the newest
and most stable.
Good luck!
Hm.
She's actually pretty helpful.
Okay,
I'm in an empty bathroom?
Oh, I can't believe
I puked in front of Lincoln.
Correction, I'm in a bathroom
with you puking.
And sneezing and farting.
Go into the third stall.
- Don't be gross.
- You don't be gross!
I'm navigating you through
my memories toward the malware.
Just take the stall.
I thought
we couldn't handle it.
Well, sir,
today I learned
it's wrong to make
assumptions about people.
If all your memories
are just you at work,
this is gonna get very sad,
very quickly.
By God does it feel good for an
old man to pour himself a drink.
- Cheers to you, Abe.
- Thank you, Curtis.
I never thought I'd get a second
chance to do things, you know?
Least I could do!
Gotta admit, I'm a fan.
I mean, I'm mostly known
for taxing people's cum.
Just wish we knew
what unfinished business
was chaining you
to this bedroom.
I've…always wanted to hold
Mary Todd one last time.
Buddy, she's been dead
a long time.
Yes, but she made them seal
off her entire wardrobe.
- What?
- Her bloody dress from that night.
Until I had these gloves,
I never thought I'd be
able to touch it again.
Embrace her essence.
- Hyah!
- Whoa, whoa!
Easy tough guy!
Mary…
Mm.
Mmm!
Whoa, Linky!
You can leave the bedroom!
Your bedroom business
has been finished!
Yes!
Ow! Jesus, man.
Sorry, sorry!
Got a little excited.
But…I'm still here.
Well, birthday boy,
guess there's more business
for you to finish
out here, huh?
- Business buddies!
- Finish Friends!
Finish friends!
Business buddies
finish friends!
Christ, your mind took
a turn for the worse.
Uh-huh.
the neural realignment
wiped out almost all my memories
before the surgery.
You're walking through my 20s.
Oh, it's almost like
a computer doesn't belong
in a brain.
Mehbleghhh.
Just go right.
You're near the malware.
Whoo! NuMind, bitches!
- We're gonna change the world!
- Unexpected twist.
You're standing on a desk
doing Jell-O shots.
- What?
- My middle name is "Grind," baby!
I see it. Oh-ho-ho!
Ah, squirmy worm!
The blue wire!
Disconnect the blue wire!
Hell yeah!
Nice work, O'Doyle.
Whoo!
Guess the malware was
going after your middle name?
What? I don't know
my middle name.
Apparently, it's "Grind"?
Although, honestly, I think
you were just drunk.
"Grind"?
What memory is this?
You doing shots
at NuMind?
I never did that.
I was their product.
They saved me.
Yeah, it's a real
"who rescued who."
You're shotgunning a beer.
Okay, fuck this.
I'm coming in.
- What?! Why?
- The malware's contained.
You're saying insane things.
I need to see this myself.
Banks, no.
Keep your robot ass out there
until I clear you
of being a threat…
Sorry, can't hear you,
plugging in.
Hi, there, Banks!
Always nice
to see my host.
Yeah, whatever.
Give me a diagnostic toolkit.
Oh, I see we're doing
East Coast personalities today.
I should note,
the B.O.R. is doing
routine maintenance on the…
Uhp, she's not listening.
Oh! Linky likey!
Your first perfect game!
Yeah, it… it's good.
Right, but not
"finished business" good.
What's next?
A-ha!
Holy shit! Your last
unsolved case as a lawyer!
You found
the Kentucky Canoodler!
It's always the husbands.
But the mystery of
my presence still remains.
Ha ha! Good!
- Now put some mustard on it.
- What?
Just throw it hard,
like you're proud of me.
What do you think, Abe?
People want to add a hat
to your head
on Mount Rushmore.
Maybe finishing
this project would…
Curtis, I'm sorry.
You really think I care
about this stupid hat?
Oh. Well…what would
make you happy, Abe?
Honestly?
Well, sir, we can't actually
resurrect the man himself,
but we can use tons
of historical data
to build a cognitive model and
put it into a vat-brewed clone.
Incredible.
And here's the best part…
we suck that body up
into my Finch-a-reeno
wardrobing chamber.
Wardrobing chamber?
Oh, yeah. Clothes,
props… you name it.
What do you think?
Should he be writing a letter?
Taking a shit?
No, no, no.
Reading a book.
And voilà…
John Wilkes Booth.
- Damn. Okay.
- Right?
I wanna go in there.
That, uh…
that makes sense.
I guess you can't get closure
without facing your killer.
Sure.
Open the door.
You? No!
It can't be!
I… I killed you!
Well, you didn't do
a good enough job, Johnny!
Raaah! Raaaah!
- Oh! Aah!
- Yaaah!
Aaaaah!
Uh…
It is his birthday.
Hey, I'm just trying
to make it to 5:00.
My middle name
is "Grind," baby!
- This is insane.
- You being cool,
or you working at
the company that made you?
I didn't work there.
I was a Jane Doe they saved.
I would've died from
a free-climbing accident
if it wasn't for
their experimental tech.
You're just describing the plot
of "The Bionic Woman."
- What's that?
- A hit TV show in the '70s?
No, idiot… that.
That's Logan Parks.
He founded the company,
he's one of the most
brilliant tech minds out there.
- What are you doing?
- Hardwiring us in.
The visual pathway's
are shredded,
but the data should
still be encoded
within the memory itself.
You could've just said
"letting us see the memory."
You want
a headset or not?
No, I wanna stand here
with my thumb up my ass.
My middle name
is "Grind," baby!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Whoo!
NuMind, bitches!
We're gonna
change the world!
Damn right!
It's 3:00 a.m.
Should we go home?
- No!
- I sleep here anyway!
Should we ever leave
until we integrate a computer
into a human mind?
- No!
- I will never leave.
Wait.
Question, question,
'Cause I'm confused.
Should we let the government
slow down our progress
with regulations?
- No!
- Progress!
Put another day on the sign!
Whoo!
And why is it
shaped like that?
That's the point, new guy.
The sign should be dangerous.
It's unregulated!
Love that sign!
First person
to code a working OS
for the arm HUD
gets a vial of ketamine!
- Ketamine!
- And they're off!
Nice chugging, Banks.
You're pretty cool
for a girl.
Thanks, Booger.
We're gonna do it, man.
We're gonna save
so many people!
Who the fuck was
that version of me?
Also, who's Booger?
What was his deal?
Son of a bitch.
This isn't surgical damage.
Someone shredded this
memory on purpose.
Okay, and apparently more.
Oh, my God.
You're like a whack-a-mole
of security threats.
I'm going after
those memories.
Stay or come.
I don't care!
Oh, bet you never
talked to Booger this way!
Uh…
- Hello? White House Operator.
- Yes, hello.
Can I talk to the Army?
Is someone there?
If this is a spirit,
you should know all White House
phones have a ghost filter.
What the hell is this?
Ah, Curtis, my good man!
Who were you calling,
Lincoln?
Look, I've been thinking.
You seem overburdened.
I'm a President,
you're a President…
why don't we
President together?
Look, Abe, uh…
you've gotten
a lot of empowerment
in a short amount of time.
I didn't want to have
to say this, but…
go to your room.
That's quite
a proclamation
of anti-emancipation.
Maybe you'd like to back
it up by making me?
Are you serious?
Sir, we got word a ghost
was using your phone…
- Oh, yep, there he is.
- His phone?!
You realize this was my
fucking White House first?
Whoa, guys!
Take it easy!
We're all on
the same team here.
All right, Mr. Lincoln,
come with me…
- Raah!
- Oh! Oh, shit!
Sir, permission to wolf out!
Always!
Aah!
That's enough, Lincoln!
You just want me to stay dead!
But nobody puts Linky
in a corner.
I'm the Rail-Splittin'
Honest Abe-Inator!
Aaah!
Unh!
Hyah!
People just love going
crazy on their birthdays, huh?
Damn, Banks.
For someone with no memory,
there is a lot of shit
to get through.
Sorry my "being traumatized"
is boring you.
Oh, in this memory
you find a stamp. Fun.
It's not a stamp,
idiot.
Whatever it is,
it was worth shredding.
Banks, show everyone
what you cooked up.
- Whoa!
- This is the H.M.K. chip.
Coma patients, walking again.
Stroke victims,
not just regaining skills,
but learning new ones.
Americans finally speaking
other languages.
- Holy shit.
- No way!
How are we gonna test it?
The FDA won't allow
clinical trials with monkeys.
Fuck the FDA.
It's an upgrade for humans,
so we test on humans.
Information is power.
The billionaires
shouldn't be the only ones
with access to skills.
Let's grind, baby!
Give her the crown!
- Whoo!
- She's a girl, too!
Okay. So, you weren't
just part of the family.
- You were Manson himself.
- What the fuck, man?
Maybe the last one's
more upbeat?
I mean, shredded memory.
I'm not holding
my breath, but…
We lost another
test patient, Logan.
Any connectivity?
10 minutes of sustained
synch with the arm HUD.
Whoa!
Bury the lede much?
It's ketamine-o'clock,
baby!
I know, I know.
But this
is our last chip.
We gotta make
the next body count.
What the hell is that?
The feds are here!
It's a raid!
The feds?! Oh, shit!
Shred everything!
Burn the files!
Every man for himself!
Nobody tell my mom!
I can't go to jail!
I'm pretty.
Guys, guys!
We gotta stick together!
Chopper's here?
Great.
Initiate the Window
Chair Protocol.
What the hell?!
Logan, wait!
What're you doing?!
Sorry, Banks!
Chopper only seats four,
and I have long legs.
Move fast, baby!
Unh!
Hey, I don't know
if you can hear me,
but, man, you impaling your head
worked out great for us.
I put the last chip in you,
and, honey, you are stable.
But business is business.
So I'm just gonna erase your
memories, take all the credit.
Why not, right?
But if you do ever find this,
I'll program
a little somethin-somethin
to make sure you forget.
Omin-o-o-ous!
Hi, there!
It appears you know too much.
I'll be locking down the CPU
as part of Logan's
secret security failsafe.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
Yes!
Don't seal us off!
Eh, it was worth a try.
You gotta be
fucking kidding me!
What the…
You're sitting down?!
We should be running.
There's no way
I'm gonna die in a polo.
You're fine.
They unplug you,
you'll go back
into your mind.
Me, my consciousness
is trapped within itself.
I'll go into a coma.
Poetic, huh?
Oh, stop pouting!
Your tech works!
You invented the reason
you're alive!
I was in a cult!
I hate that person
in there!
You think I love
all the shit I've done?
I made special bullets to kill
you the first day we met.
- Excuse me?
- The point is,
you're the bionic woman
who woke up with no memory
and chose to protect
the people.
The bad guys
are the dicks
who robbed information
from you.
Now you know.
What matters is
where you go from here.
All right.
But I'm not sure
you'll love
where we go first.
Why not? You think
I wanna stay here?
This place sucks.
This has gone
far enough, Abe!
I wanted to make you happy
because you're my hero,
but I never should
have enabled you!
How fucking dare you?!
I died and made
everything awesome!
For everyone but me!
And we love you for it!
I love you for it!
But you're
bumming me out!
You know what
bums me out?!
Waking up every day
with my face on a penny!
A piece of money
so worthless,
they literally stopped
minting it!
That's what
my sacrifice is worth!
Nothing!
But today, that changes!
Built this during
the Great War.
It can fire a missile 150 miles
and hit Virginia.
A direct attack
from a Northern state.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Civil war!
Linky back in charge!
You know what business
I never finished?!
My presidency!
And today,
I'm taking that power back!
Don't make me do it,
Lincoln!
You had your time!
You need to
step your ass aside!
You really think you
can stop me?!
This shoots
a ghost bullet,
locked onto your
ectosonic signature.
One headshot with this,
you're done.
Well, today, you
get to choose, Curtis.
What kind of President
are you going to be?
Probably a brief one.
Gaaah!
Aah!
Why are my legs
so heavy?!
Why can't I move?!
The bullet
gives you mass.
Way too much mass.
No. N-o-o-o!
Sorry, pal.
Your birthday business
is finished.
Why am I showing you
the malware's belly again?
Just hold on tight.
I'm still its target.
It's gonna go apeshit
when it sees me.
Jesus!
These things
are programmed
to exploit structural
insecurities.
If we want to find a way
into the cockpit,
it needs a target
inside the cockpit…
Okay. Let it go.
Couldn't you have programmed it
to use a door?
Hell yeah.
How the hell are we
gonna get up there?
- Why can't we just float up?
- We're avatars.
Our bodies need to perform
the vertical movement.
So that's why you're making
full ass-to-ass contact?
Yeah, you caught me.
This whole thing was
about touching your ass.
- Don't try to make me sound dumb!
- I don't need to try!
Ass-to-ass. Clever.
But I can be cleverer.
Okay.
And just gotta pop the hood.
Ugh!
Come on!
Aah!
Shit!
What the hell?!
That's enough of me
for one day.
I'm just doing what
I'm programmed to do.
I programmed you,
you little shit!
But it's not your fault
Logan hijacked your code.
You know, I've always
hated this avatar.
Should we mix it up?
Hmm? Hmm?
Hmm?
Yaah!
O'Doyle!
Help me kick her ass!
What? I'm not gonna
beat up a little girl!
Aah!
Ow! Shit!
Little shit!
Bringing guns
to a mind fight.
Unh!
Baby long legs!
Sonnova…
No! No!
Let me out!
Destroy her, Banks.
You idiot!
You need me!
THE B.O.R. will know
you've been here.
They'll know
you violated protocol!
Yeah, that's why
this bitch believes
in government
regulations.
N-o-o-o-o-o!
- Now what do we do?
- Shouldn't we do nothing?
No, I mean with NuMind,
who I was.
I don't wanna
know that shit.
I could easily just
reset my mind to…
And he's taking
off his shirt again.
From when my mother sold
her car to a first-time driver
with me
locked in the trunk.
I covered the scar
with a badass ram.
From the scissor bath I got
after messing up the clan jig.
This one's from my
Sheryl Crow phase.
Oh, love her.
Your scars are part
of who you are, Banks.
If you own them,
then your conniving,
piece-of-shit mother
can never own you.
Thanks, O'Doyle.
You can put your shirt
back on now.
Okay, that'll do it.
Should keep his ghost
contained to the bedroom.
Let's keep this all
between us, all right?
Oh, hell yeah.
Honestly, I thought
this was just kinda my job,
but Finch
don't fink, sir.
God bless you.
Hey, thanks for not
ratting on me
for trying to start
a civil war.
You paid your dues.
The shit that happened
to you…
you earned
a little frustration.
You know, the forcefield's
not necessary.
I thought my unfinished
business was out there,
but it's in here.
I have to emancipate
my mind.
Very good, Lincoln.
Seriously,
y-you don't need it.
I honestly feel ashamed
by my actions.
All right, pal.
You got it.
See you around.
Give me back
those gloves!
Oof!
Triple redundancy
shimmer.
I just turned off
the LED feature.
No! No, no!
Take down the forcefield!
Take it down!
Holy shit!
No, thank you!
Wow! No.
No more digital tubes.
Why does my face feel like its
been stabbed with a screwdriver?
Oh. Hey, guys.
How'd your B story
with Lincoln go?
It was okay.
How was your A story?
Meh, pretty good.
We went into her mind.
Discovered some
hidden memories.
I thought my mind
was made by
a company I loved,
but the truth is,
I worked for the company,
and we were terrible.
I'm a product
of my own bullshit,
and I was betrayed by
the person I respected most.
Sounds dumb.
Do you guys ever feel like
you've wasted your past,
put your faith
in the wrong people?
Yeah, we just told you
the thematic connection
between our stories.
Oh. I, uh…
I wasn't listening.
But you said
it sounds dumb!
Sorry! Sorry, I…
I'm a little drunk.
Also on theme.
Guess we should
probably catch up?
You wanna shotgun a beer
like a bro?
Nah, think I'll just
stick with the hard stuff.
I bet you would've
done it for Booger.
We've all got
unfinished business
Washing our balls
Every ball is like a Lincoln
Haunting men
with what could be
Wash them gently
Then check each one
for dreams
Pbt! Pbt! Pbt! Pbt!
Pbt! Pbt! Pbt! Pbt!
Pbt! Pbt!
Can't believe I didn't use
those gloves to jerk off.
Linky, what were you thinking?