Roosters (2025) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Okay, the minute a scene
doesn't feel real,
readers are gonna check out.
So, you have to do your research.
If any of you have read my book
Blade of the Glades, you…
I've never read any of your books.
Thank you for interrupting
to let me know that.
The story involves Rooster
chasing a one-legged assassin
through the swamp on a fan boat.
In order to write that scene,
I went to the Everglades
and I learned how to pilot a fan boat.
How did you research what it's like
to be disabled for Victor, the assassin?
I kind of winged that part of it.
In my defense,
Victor loses his leg to an alligator,
and then on the very next page,
Rooster blows up Victor's boat.
So, he really only lives the life
of a one-legged assassin
for 90 seconds, tops.
Okay, your first drafts are due
before Thanksgiving break,
so please get 'em in.
Tommy, I'm really sorry
about the other night.
And if you wanna talk about it…
Not ever.
Yeah, me neither.
But I still would like to help you
get your grades up.
Look, I have a rule.
If I see a dude over 50's penis,
I need at least a week before we hang out.
Why would you have had
to make that a rule?
You know, I only wore these
so you wouldn't see me
scrunch my eyes every time I look at you.
'Cause all I can see is a snake
slithering between two Gatorade trees.
That is actually
a beautifully crafted sentence.
- Really? You fucked my mom.
- Oh, nice.
- No. No thanks, Eva.
- Okay.
He is still pretty upset
about the whole thing.
Yeah, he's big,
but he's a sensitive boy. Hmm.
It doesn't help that his father left me
for his high school math teacher.
Tommy's had to deal with a lot
of his favorite teachers
having sex with his parents.
- That can be really tricky.
- Yeah.
I don't want to do this.
What's going on?
Just, I mean, you're leaving soon anyway.
I feel like we should end it.
Yeah, I understand. I…
Okay, good. So…
- Say goodbye.
- Okay.
- Okay, goodbye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- One more time.
- Okay.
- Mm. Mm.
- Bye.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- Right.
- Okay.
I've enjoyed our time together,
Greg Russo.
As have I, Cristle Butera.
Ah! Professor Russo.
A moment of your time?
I'm gonna meet you in there.
Will you get them ready to talk
about Jasper Johns, please?
- How?
- Just tell them
we're gonna talk about
Jasper Johns in a minute.
See, that is why you're the teacher.
No.
Guys! Who's ready to hear
about "Japlis" Johns?!
Except not right now,
because we're not ready at all.
Gosh, she's quite the character.
Lily is amazing.
Oh, you should put a baby in her.
- Ha!
- What do you want?
Actually…
Okay, so since you and I
are no longer seeing each other
- carnally…
- Ew.
…I really just wanted you
to know that I'm hoping
that you still choose us.
I mean…
the prospect of you
not being in my life is, frankly…
Well, it's unbearable.
- Thoughts?
- Suck my dick.
It's not a "no." I can work with that.
I'm gonna come back here
every single morning
- till you make a decision.
- Mm-hmm.
And you take your time.
A hundred days, 1,000 days.
Doesn't matter to me. I'll be here.
I'll walk 500 miles. I'll walk 500 mo…
Don't do that.
Oh, and I brought you
your favorite croissant.
- Did you get the jam I like?
- Bien sur!
I have to dash,
but I'll see you here tomorrow.
Okay.
And you know the worst part?
I didn't even want the Dean of Faculty gig
in the first place.
And now, I miss it.
I miss being heard, you know?
What are you babbling about over there?
I'm sorry.
I thought that would make you laugh.
Look, I think you should stop
seeing this Dean thing
as something that you lost
and start seeing it as a gift,
that you actually know what you want.
Pretty shitty gift.
Greg, why is there
a lock on our special door?
Well, Walt, there's a lock on your door.
- I'm the president, Greg.
- He has a point.
- Oh, is Dylan here?
- What?
I couldn't see you before. Hello.
- Hey. Okay, let me…
- I'd like to get in.
- As soon as possible.
- Okay, Walt.
- Hey! I have to unlock this.
- Greg?
Okay? I need to close the door.
- Walt, let me do it!
- Well, get some
- espresso on it.
- Step back.
Here we go.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
- Uh-huh.
- What's up?
Cristle has gotten our hockey coach
into the same rehab facility
that her ex-husband used to frequent.
While he's away, I'd like you to fill in
as our head hockey coach.
Well, yeah, I'd love that.
Oh, terrific, perhaps you could
come by the hothouse later on
and we could discuss details.
Well, maybe not today.
Maybe some other…
- Okay, then. Dylan?
- Huh?
Would you go on
a coffee walk with me in a few?
- Love to.
- See that?
That's how you say yes to somebody.
Huh! Easy peasy.
Are you trying to poke the bear?
He barged in last week,
and I was sitting there
looking at my belly button,
and I couldn't explain why.
How about now?
Well, it's just something I do.
Okay.
- I can hear that, Greg.
- Okay.
Walt, please stop anonymously
submitting sonnets to The Review.
They're all about Ireland
and Teddy Roosevelt, I know it's you.
I'm not sure what you're talking about,
but I do have exciting news.
Professor Enright is going to retire
- at the end of the semester.
- Mm.
He wants to really focus on
hating his wife and his family.
So, I…
I'd like to make you
the Head of the English Department.
- Wow.
- I know.
I'm grateful.
But I want Dean of Faculty.
- Huh.
- I know you and Riggs
are old buddies,
but he is problematic on a good day.
I'm a better fit for the school.
Greg made me realize
that I owe it to myself
- to say that to you.
- Well…
Greg strikes again.
Outstanding.
So, last week, I was in class.
- And I was…
- Coming in hot.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh!
- Fuck yes, bacon!
- That's my shit, bitch.
- Come on.
- Mm!
You're gonna love Sunny's dad.
My favorite thing about him personally
- is how much he's gonna hate you.
- Ha, ha!
Well, you never know, Mo.
I might charm him.
What are you high on?
Hi, sorry we're late.
Dad wanted to drive around
and look at the leaves dying.
They're so red!
Now, back in Appleton,
you get the one big rain.
Boom! It's stick season.
Oh, Mo! How's it hanging?
Better now that you're here, Freddy!
- You're looking good.
- Ah, you know.
It is an honor to finally meet you, sir.
- Get in here.
- Oh.
You're bringing a baby into my life.
God bless you.
Alright, alright!
This is not what I paid to see.
Oh, boy.
How you doing?
I thought you'd fight for me.
What would you have done if I had?
I'd turn you down.
Do you want me to go?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Cristle, I don't see my daily schedule.
Is there a chance
that'll show up eventually?
No.
Fair enough.
Oh, oh!
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Oh, my croissant. Thank you.
- There you go.
There's some jam on the inside.
And I got you a cortado.
Oh.
Full disclosure,
this was for me, but they…
They didn't quite get the foam right.
You know, this is really the kinda thing
you should have done
when we were together.
But now I am. This is how this works.
I bring you a delicious breakfast treat,
I ask you if you've decided
to be with me or not,
you say you haven't quite
made your decision yet,
but still kind of flirty,
'cause you give me this cute little smile.
Ooh, buffering. It's buffering.
There it is. Okay.
Beautiful, it's like classical music.
You should go.
Okay. Well, I can't stay.
- I don't want you to.
- I know you want me to be here,
- but I can't, I can't stay, I've gotta go.
- Go.
Okay, maybe it's a latte
tomorrow and less talking?
Tomorrow it is.
Oh, hey, Roscoe!
You mangy mutt.
- This dog is nothing but trouble.
- Oh!
I tell you, we have
wandered around so much,
I doubt that I can find my way back
to my daughter Sunny's place.
- Who?
- Sunny.
You look familiar.
- I don't think I do.
- Oh.
Well, how do you know Roscoe?
I'm a good…
dog guy.
I like dogs.
I like to know all the dogs
on campus by name, if I can.
You know, try to learn 'em.
Back there, see, that's Fergus!
- Aww.
- And that's Lisa Ann.
She's a good girl.
Boy, Lisa Ann's got
a big set of balls on her.
Yeah, she's very
self-conscious about that.
- Alright, well, have a good day.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, hey, Greg.
- Oh, hey, Walt.
I didn't see you lurking over there.
If you were looking for Cristle,
she decided to take
her Thanksgiving break a bit early.
Oh, okay. Why?
Well, I asked her,
and she just said to ask Greg.
Oh, I had a cough last week. Little cough.
And maybe she caught it
from being in the same room
that I had previously been in.
You know, funny story…
I didn't get my schedule
from her the other day,
and I subsequently missed
the head of the Board
of Trustees' birthday dinner.
Now, my five-year contract is up
at the end of this school year.
And I snubbed him.
That is bad timing.
Yeah, it sure was.
- But we persevere!
- Yes, we… Yes.
- Don't we? We persevere.
- Yes, we do.
Oh, say, Greg, quick question
before you shove off.
What are we, Greg?
What?
What is this? What are we doing?
- Am I supposed to come in?
- I don't know, Greg.
'Kay.
You know, it feels like only yesterday
that you were right here in my office
asking me to save
your daughter's job out of…
What was it? Do you remember what it was?
I don't.
- Friendship.
- Ah.
Greg, ever since that day,
I have been making a list
of your transgressions in my mind.
Would you like to hear them?
Not especially.
You broke Cristle.
You encouraged Dylan to think big.
You lied about hockey.
You put a lock on our special door.
You have not been back
in the hothouse since day one.
And you may or may not
be helping your ex-wife
to take my job.
Okay, I would like to be accountable.
So, I will respond to those in order.
I'm sorry.
Thinking big is not a bad thing.
Sorry. Sorry. It's just too hot for me.
And the last one is crazy.
Fine.
- Great.
- Help me brainstorm
a couple of birthday present ideas
to mitigate my absence?
I really have to go through the galleys
of my new book, so…
You know what's curious?
The morning after my bar night,
I came into the office
and my sphinxes
were facing the wrong direction,
almost like someone had removed them
and then put them back.
You don't know anything
about that, do you?
You know what makes a great present?
Whoo, this thing's great!
Keep in mind, the guy's 80.
Do you think this will be okay for him?
I'd get him a helmet. Maybe a bell.
Done. I need a favor from you.
Dylan seems to listen to you,
and I can't give her
that Dean of Faculty gig.
So, I need you to convince her
that being the head of a department
is not a consolation prize.
Yeah, I will if it comes up.
So, you want me to make it come up?
Thank you.
Say, if I got one of these bad boys,
maybe…
Maybe you and I could go out
and do some riding.
Yeah, maybe.
You ruined it.
My dad likes this place, so be prepared
to eat every meal here while he's in town.
Well, you'll hear no complaints from me.
Fred, you have to consider me
a fellow creature of habit.
You should see me with my cortados.
They have to be
just the right temperature.
The froth has to be just so, it's…
Bug, tell him about my cortados.
He likes his cortados.
Oh. Yeah.
I'm trying a little hard, aren't I?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Uh-huh, but I appreciate it.
What's with the accent, by the way?
My dad doesn't think accents are real.
Are you pumping that up for us?
No. King's English. Yeah.
Sorry.
I gotta go to my morning seminar
and then the OB appointment.
Okay, darling. Alright.
- See ya.
- Yeah, see you later.
Whoa, whoa.
No one leaves without a smooch.
Yes.
- Mwah. Love you.
- Bye. See ya.
Bye.
- Get my dad home.
- Oh, you bet.
Isn't she the best?
What's wrong with you?
You should be going to that appointment.
- It's just a routine checkup.
- No, no, no.
Okay, Norah and I,
we couldn't have a kid on our own.
I would have killed
to go to a routine checkup.
This baby is a gift.
Give yourself over to it.
I promise, it'll grab your heart.
Now, go catch her and tell her.
Yes, sir.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
No one leaves without a smooch.
- Okay.
- What are you do…
What are you doing? Come on, I'm joking.
- It's a joke.
- Didn't know, I didn't know,
but now I do, so that's good. Okay.
I really put myself out there with Walt,
and he still hasn't given me an answer.
Total radio silence.
Ugh, fuck that guy.
Hey, Zoey, are you still
looking for a cause
to sink your teeth into?
So badly. I want something
important enough
to justify a new tattoo,
but it can't be a cult.
Oh, my God, you guys have no idea
how many people are doing cool things
just to get you to join their cult.
I've been in three.
Okay, let's not get off track.
Zoey, what about the fact
that there are not enough women
in positions of power here at Ludlow?
- Hear, hear.
- Well, I love that,
but I don't know
if it would fit on a t-shirt.
Well, what about "More women on top"?
I'd wear that t-shirt.
- Ew.
- What?
- Give him a second.
- What are you…
Almost.
- Oh, no, No, no, no.
- Mm.
I would not wear that.
- I can't.
- That's gross.
That's not… The position is not gross.
It's fun and not…
- We're not talking about it.
- Don't… We got it.
Anyway, hey.
And speaking of powerful women,
I heard that you were offered
the Head of the English Department.
- Mm-hmm.
- Pretty cool.
Did Walt tell you to come and talk to me
to get me more psyched about it?
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Yes, he did. I'm sorry.
- Dude!
- Oh, Dad!
- I know.
- Seriously?
- You are the supreme problem.
I know. I got roped into it.
- I'm sorry, I'm trying to…
- Come on!
- Why are you…
- I'm trying to run interference.
- I'm trying to help everybody out.
- This is not football.
Whose team…
Oh, okay,
let's not get hysterical, ladies.
Ooh…
Dad.
I know, as the words came out of my mouth,
I felt a chill running down my spine.
Walt means well.
He just can't offer you
the job that you want.
It's his decision.
What the hell are you talking about?
I don't know, I never know.
I don't know why I came over here.
Excuse me, sorry.
Oh, that's Walt.
- He wants to know how this is going.
- Oh.
All is forgiven if you send him a pic
of what we look like right now.
- Can I make it a selfie?
- Sure.
Alright, here we go.
Well, now.
That's going on the transgression list.
Mr. Russo.
I didn't recognize you earlier
because of the helmet.
And my wife will never believe
that I got to meet my favorite author
if I don't get you to sign this.
- Yes, of course. Sure, sure.
- Great.
Fred Salewski.
- Greg Russo.
- Hey.
Just so you know,
my daughter clued me in
on our personal connection.
I don't know all the dogs' names.
Just kinda…
- That, I figured. Yeah.
- It was stupid.
So I'll just make this out to the man
whose daughter is impregnated
by my daughter's husband.
Or Fred?
Let's do Fred.
Women are underrepresented
on the Ludlow faculty by 6.27%,
and are most noticeably absent
from the higher levels,
holding only 28%
of administrative positions.
My girl's got mad research skills.
President Mann, I love Ludlow.
But we can do better,
and I'm gonna keep pushing for that.
Speaking truth to power is kinda my kink.
- He doesn't need to know that.
- Sorry.
Thank you for your time, sir.
Of course.
And please know that my door
is always open, especially when
my gatekeeper's out
having a nervous breakdown.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
She's so cool, right?
Also, she's really bright, and…
has a nose ring.
I'm sorry, I'm just talking.
You make me nervous.
I'm glad.
Unfortunately,
I have other pressing issues.
Apparently, the school mascot costume
has been stolen and is out
engaged in malfeasance.
Right, I actually think
I might have seen him
peeing in the fountain last night.
Well, thank you for not
telling anyone until now.
Thank you.
Also…
Dylan Shepard should be Dean of Faculty.
I'm biased because I love her,
but everybody loves her.
So, seems like kind of an easy call.
Okay, anyway. Peace out.
Sorry, I don't…
I didn't know how to leave.
I've been in the crosshairs before.
What is it you always say?
Leave it alone. It'll blow over.
Riggsy, I did a deep dive into your file.
- Yeah?
- You really told a student
that they couldn't reschedule an exam
after their grandmother died because…
it was "the natural order of things"?
Ah, she was 88, and a fatty.
You told our new Classics professor
that she was "top heavy in a good way"?
You put me in a room with ten women,
four of 'em take that as a compliment.
Four's not enough.
These are not the times
that we came up in, pal.
A few years back,
I felt this place leaving me behind,
so I ran as fast as I could to catch up.
Now, I don't always get there,
but I damn sure make the effort.
You? You don't even try.
Look!
Do I enjoy the occasional
off-color remark?
Yes. They're fun.
But blah, blah, the world is changing.
I need to change with it. Fine.
So, give me a chance.
You know, lying in that hospital bed…
I realized I never want
to leave this place.
This school is my life.
Walt…
I'm your friend.
I have never asked you for anything.
I'm asking you for this.
Don't cut me loose.
I'll even stop smoking inside,
if that helps.
It is the law.
Come on, you can't give someone
a wake-up call
and not give 'em a chance to wake up.
Please.
I gotta go. I'm late for class.
Alright.
Oh, good.
He's got a truck.
Hmm. Nope, that's not jelly.
That is actual blood.
I'm bleeding.
Okay, great.
That's far enough right there.
You know, it is super illegal
to have two people
- riding that at the same time?
- What?
Oh, my gosh, when did you jump on?
I'm sorry,
I had no idea she was there.
Yeah, right. Well, I heard that
you're the new head coach.
Temporary head coach.
Well, either the three of us
are taking a ride down to the station…
Oh, I'm not going nowhere.
…or you give me a written guarantee
that my son starts next week.
And instead of his last name
on the back of the jersey,
- it just says "The Man."
- I cannot do that.
But, you know, DJ is a good player,
so he's gonna get plenty of ice time.
Deal.
God, I love being a cop.
Weird. Ugh.
Oh. Message from Walt.
"Regarding the Dean of Faculty position,
"I feel it would be most prudent
for me to entrust the Board
with this important decision
for the future of Ludlow."
- That sounds like a bit of a cop out.
- Yeah.
They'll probably keep Riggs.
You know, they don't love
to shake things up.
See ya.
Glad you came.
No, it's been great. I learned a load
about prenatal vitamins,
and heart rate increases, and mucus plugs.
Yeah, admittedly, that last one
did make my tumbly
feel a little bit rumbly,
but, no, it's great.
I do wish that your OB
wasn't quite so enamored
with puns, though.
I know, right?
Okay.
Before you go,
do you want to see your baby?
We could do a quick ultrasound.
Ooh!
- Okay.
- 'Kay.
Let's take a look.
Oh, my God, Bug, look, he has my chin.
He's beautiful.
You're so beautiful.
You two should really get a "womb."
- Oh.
- Oh, s…
Alright, stop it.
Seriously, I'll switch doctors.
Hey.
Well, look who's returned to the hothouse.
Could you come out to talk for a sec?
I'm in the middle of a session, Greg.
- Door, door, door, door.
- Alright. Ugh.
Alright, well, it's fine.
I'm sweaty already.
- Hockey practice.
- Can we cut to the chase?
I know you're here to talk about Dylan.
I don't want you to do anything
you're gonna regret.
And I don't want to suffer
a lecture from somebody
who's shown me nothing but disrespect.
- Disrespect? When did I…
- You had sex on my desk.
I…
Yes, I did, I did.
I disrespected you one time.
I disrespected you
and your desk, I'm sorry.
I'm a painfully lonely man, Greg.
I met Riggs the first week I started here.
We just clicked.
I have a wife who travels
the planet six months a year,
and I have an endless parade
of work acquaintances.
So, friends are in short supply.
And I know, I'm a lot.
Yeah, you are.
It's a lot.
Here I thought you were gonna
disagree with me on that one.
Look at you, you're half-naked. Just…
I am not as body confident as you.
Nobody is.
Here's the thing.
I had led myself to believe that you and I
were going to be thick as thieves.
Walt…
I can't tell you…
how or why anyone
ever connects with each other.
I mean, you can meet someone
and be overwhelmed
by their lack of boundaries.
- Yeah!
- I didn't necessarily mean you.
Sorry, I have to get outta here
before I pass out.
Okay.
The bottom line is this.
Dylan is your friend, too.
Whatever decision you make,
it has to be your choice.
Hey, everybody's ready to go.
I'm gonna be in one minute.
Why don't you get them talking about
Robert Rauschenberg?
And how his personal relationship
with Jasper Johns
created a dialogue that
incorporated modern media into art.
Yes, on it.
- Thank you.
- So, dorks, Rauschenberg.
He and Jasper J, guys,
they were shacking up.
What's up with that?
Not really.
Okay.
Pablo Neruda is most famous
for his love poems.
But, Nothing but Death
may be the saddest poem ever written.
"There are cemeteries that are lonely.
Graves full of bones
that do not make a sound."
I hate to interrupt the fun,
but can I have a quick word with you?
What's up?
The first thing I need from you
as my new Dean of Faculty
is a list of suggestions
for the new Chair
of the English Department.
Can you do that for me?
Of course. On your desk tomorrow.
Onward.
Alright. Where were we?
"The heart moving through a tunnel.
"In it, darkness…
darkness, darkness."
There we are.
But I will try to knock from now on.
Seems fair.
Walt.
What are you doing right now?
Oh-ho-ho!
We should set a time to do this every day.
Maybe.
What if we formed a gang?
The Ludlow Swingers.
I don't know about that as a gang name.
- Whoo! Gang time.
- Oh, my God.
Bye-bye.