Santa Inc. (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

(rock music playing)
Lookie who's
drivin' the sleigh.
Candy fuckin' Smalls!
Thanks for druggin'
us last year.
Move it before
I rotisserie
your asses!
Why should we?
You're not even Successor.
You couldn't even get a job
as a shopping mall Santa.
That's so mean.
(accelerating)
Rhonda! No!
(cries)
When you mess with Candy,
you get the cane.
♪
(cries)
That doofus, Devin, is
gonna be the next Santa.
(joyful music playing)
Ugh, you know,
I even practiced
how to act surprised
when my name
was announced like,
"Me? What? No!
I don't deserve it!
I mean, I do,
but I'm just so honored."
Ugh! It's so embarrassing.
Do you have
honey mustard sauce?
Devin is such a lame choice.
Santa used to be a radical.
And now, he's just
a company stooge, a sellout.
Yeah, well,
Jesus, so are you!
You know, I know
about the Christmas
Spirit Bar conspiracy.
You disgust me, Brent.
I'm only here
because I've alienated
everyone else
in my life, drug dealer.
It wasn't my plan.
I was just following
Santa's orders.
Wait a second, Santa's orders?
No, no, no, no.
He told me himself he was
in the dark about the meth.
Nothing happens at Santa Inc.
without that guy
having a glove in it.
The meth bars were
the tip of the iceberg
when it came to the darkness
Santa was mired in
There were bribes
to keep the rich kids
off the Naughty list,
and make sure the brats
got presents instead
of the coal they deserved.
And there were insider trading
tips inside the stockings.
Get it? Stockings?
Like, stock market?
Whatever, he always
thought it was hilarious.
Stockings.
Stock Market.
Hilarious.
(laughs)
Plus, those lap implants
weren't just made
with silicone.
There's illegal titanium
from the Middle East
in those cozy suckers.
So much corruption.
Not hungry.
Thanks for mentioning
that earlier,
sarcasm.
Paparazzi 1:
How long is your schlong?
Paparazzi 2:
Can you tie it in a knot?
Paparazzi 1:
Can you tie it in a bow?
Leave me alone!
Paparazzi 3:
Can I tie it for you?
Messin' around.
Devin:
Ow!
I'm back to assure you guys
that none of this
will change anything.
I'll still stay in my room,
write your papers,
let you call me
Tub Of Shit.
'pologies, bro,
but you need to move out.
My coke dealer's
on the corner,
and he is pissed
about the press.
So, get your shit,
leave right now,
love you, bro,
invite us to cool shit.
Candy removed
the tracking devices.
-No idea where the sleigh is.
-What a traitor!
Did I tell you
when she told me
to "go fuck myself"?
A jillion riveting
times, sire.
Then, Mrs. Claus
leaves to shack up
with a fucking barkeep?
Why is everyone
turning on me?!
I'm fuckin' Santa!
Everyone loves me.
Mick Jagger texts
me every day.
He's thinkin' of growin'
an old guy goatee,
and I was like,
why would you cover
up those lips, idiot?
Everyone loves
those fuckin' lips,
which reminds me.
Did you find out who was
selling my beard hair?
Uh, no. Very hard to track.
All those tiny hairs.
Doorbell Carolers (singing):
Answer the door ♪
-Answer, answer ♪
-Fuck! This doorbell
was so cool at first.
What I would not
give for a simple,
"Ding dong! Ding dong!"
-(Doorbell Carolers crying)
-That's so mean! We try so hard.
Devin?
Why are you here?
He's your Successor.
Once you die,
he becomes Santa.
Logically, he's,
probably, come
to murder you.
No, I would never kill anyone!
I just was wonderin' if I could
crash for a couple nights?
Stay as long as you want.
You know, you are like
the son I never had.
You used to say
that to me.
Come in, Dev.
You look like a guy
who appreciates
a half-stale sheet cake.
My fourth favorite food?
How did you know?
Santa:
‘Cause it's my
third favorite food!
I've had it!
God, I'm mad!
Santa Inc. is so evil.
So, stay here at Amazon
and work with me.
Fuck the North Pole!
The future is all about the
(sings) Northwest!
At least Amazon's not pretending
to be something it isn't.
It knows it sucks.
Exactly!
And we do amazing work.
Ordering face cleanser in bulk,
and havin' it delivered
in 11 seconds is everything!
Your traitorous family
and your idiot friends
who abandoned you are nothing.
Whoa, wait.
Cookie and Goldie aren't idiots,
and I betrayed my family, too.
(sighs) Whatever.
You know what I mean.
Now hop on your
new mountain bike,
and join me.
-Are you in?
-Well
No, I-I'm sorry.
Santa Inc. is my home.
Even if everyone hates me,
shuns me, laughs at me,
I have to at least try
to help make things better.
But, truly,
thanks for everything.
And, hey, thank you
for the snacks, Curtis.
Those chicken nuggets
were an absolute poem.
The secret is:
baste it in its own fat.
(gasps)
Ugh, they took everything.
Huh?
(party music plays)
Hey! Check out
our new digs!
Look at your
mom's tits!
Ugh, I know
you're mad at me,
and I-I probably
deserved it,
but I wanna help now!
Can't hear you!
Partying too hard!
Ugh!
(guns cocking)
Candy Smalls!
You're under arrest
for Grand Theft Sled!
You'll never catch me alive.
Serpentine fake out!
The chase begins--
(grunts)
And the chase ends.
-(siren wails)
-(camera clicks)
Wait, did I look
too guilty in that one?
Okay cavity check.
Fine, but it's
a total waste of time.
You know,
I may be a sugar fiend,
but I am also
obsessed with flossing.
You know, death creeps
in through the gums.
(growls)
Oh, you don't mean
that kind of cavity.
Candy:
I should not be
locked up in here.
Neither should I.
All I wanna do is give
people happy endings.
Hollywood loves 'em, Tra La La,
but in real life,
it's a crime.
-What're you in for, Hot Toddy?
-Breakin' and enterin'.
Santa does it a million times
in one night, it's adorable.
When I do it once
in my whole goddamn life,
-I get locked up for years!
-Textbook double standard.
There's so much
corruption and hypocrisy.
Things have to change.
But but how?
What do you mean "how"?
Shake some shit up.
Start a revolution,
sister!
A revolution? Me?
Oh, really?
Oh, that's nuts.
I don't like
that phrase!
Sorry, my first
love was a chestnut.
Smartest woman I ever knew.
Until she roasted herself
over that open fire.
You remind me of her.
The, the pre-roasting
part, I mean.
I do?
But, no, I'm the biggest
laughingstock
in the North Pole.
I'm not the next Santa.
I'm just a highly
intelligent nobody.
Listen to me, Candy.
You're a coal miner's daughter
who got to the top
of the ladder at Santa Inc.
All of us girls
in the women's clink
-were rootin' for you
to be Santa.
-It's true!
We all went on a hunger strike
when Santa chose Devin.
-You did?!
-We sure as hell did!
Until they broke us
with some rigatoni Bolognese.
(softly):
So damn delicious
Anyway, Candy, you'll figure out
how to start the revolution,
and change this shitty place.
And when you do, send me
a pound cake with a file in it.
Thanks for believing
in me, you guys.
It feels good, really.
But I'm currently incarcerated,
so I can't do anything.
Candy Smalls!
You have a visitor.
Biscuit! Wow!
Oh my god, you guys,
Biscuit is my best friend's
cousin from England.
She's like a super
high-powered lawyer.
I'm sorry.
Barrister.
Did Cookie
bail me out?!
Dear me.
Unfortunately, no.
My cousin is still
extremely pissed with you
for quote,
"being a dick," unquote.
Your bail came
from an anonymous
Super PAC.
Now let's get out
of this shit box.
-Help the cause, Candy!
-Fight for us all!
Goodbye, Hot Toddy.
Goodbye, Tra La La.
You haven't heard
the last of me,
-I promise!
-Yes! You got this!
-Come on, Candy! You go, girl!
-Don't forget about the cake,
and if you can make
it a pound cake--
-Reporter 1:
Candy, what's the story?
-Reporter 2: Candy
-(reporters shouting)
-Santa!
-Candy--
-Please don't speak
to my client.
Ugh, I've decided
I am not going
to press charges
because of my gigantic
and incredibly cool heart!
Uh, and also,
you know what, you're fired,
you fuckin' wise-ass.
Uh,‘cause you told me
to "go fuck myself,"
which I'm totally over,
never hurt in the first place,
-but still, fuck you.
-Pff! No biggie.
I was just about to quit,
so it doesn't count as
being fired anyway.
But ha ha,
you didn't quit,
so, uh, you're fired.
I win. Fuck you.
You're fired as fuck,
motherfucker.
Fine, I'm free.
I'd rather be an unpaid
intern at Passover
then work for your
stupid company.
Great, go have
some roaring haroset,
and get lost.
Good, I love haroset.
I love the combination
of flavors.
It's delicious.
Stop squeezing my hand so hard.
Wait, is that morse code?
Are you squeezing,
"Go fuck yourself"?
Why, yes, I am,
and no one knows it,
which is cool as shit.
So, guess what? I win!
Ugh, I--
You know what,
show's over.
Thank you
for coming,
everyone!
Goddammit,
it stings every time.
Gosh,
that was easy money.
Sorry about your job,
but what're you doing now?
I gotta clean out my office,
and steal some office supplies
because no matter how
alone I am in this fight,
my revolution
will be collated.
-(Candy gasps)
-Candy, I'm so sorry.
My dream was
that Santa and I
would one day
do a classic rock
karaoke duet.
Not that he'd make
me the next Santa!
That was your dream.
Stop.
It's, It's not
your fault.
It was your beard,
and your gut,
and your dick.
And your college,
and your frat choice,
and your-- I guess,
your personality.
Hey, I was just
looking for Devin.
Goldie, you're
looking well.
Candace Ellen Smalls.
Awkward!
Ooh, guys.
Who's gonna talk?
Who's gonna talk next?
I-I'm sorry.
I was a bitch.
But I, I thought that
if you were my true bitch
that you wouldn't
bitch about me
being such a bitch.
But I was being
a little bitch,
and I apologize.
I'm so sorry,
and I, I love you.
-Oh.
-Aw, this is sweet.
And you know what's
kinda weird-a-roo
in like a super cosmic
fate-y kinda way?
I would never
have even been
on Santa's radar
if it hadn't been
for what Goldie
told me to do.
Goldie?! You told Devin
to go for Successor?
Even though you knew
it was my dream?
You know what, you have
always been jealous of me
-because I accomplish things
while you're stuck on the bench!
-No!
Devin, why're
you saying that?
Well, in a way,
you did, babe.
You told me you wanted
a partner with a career,
so I got all ambitious.
Oh, she inspired you, oopsie.
That's on me. I'm good now.
Phew! False-o alarm-o.
Nope, because now
I am fucking pissed!
You think I'd hurt
you like that because
I'm jealous of you?!
I was happy when
I heard Devin was gonna
be Santa instead of you.
Wow, really nice.
That is so fucked!
I thought everything
would go back to normal,
and I'd get my friend back,
but I'd rather sit on that
bench for a thousand years
before sitting in this room
with you for one more second.
I-- You--
We're not
even sitting!
And, god,
we shouldn't even
be fighting!
We're all just collateral damage
in a much bigger conspiracy.
Conspiracy?
Do you realize
how nuts you sound?
Girl fights
are so weird.
The Igma Loo bros
would just smash
my face into a door,
and all would
be forgiven.
Simple and civilized.
Goldie/Candy:
Shut up, Devin!
-Shut up, Candy!
-You shut up, Goldie!
Ugh, I need
a fucking drink.
I feel like
this is my fault.
Candy:
Yeah, it is,
dumb fuck!
Oops.
Mrs. Claus:
Hey.
Mm, dammit,
you're sexy.
The last time
Santa told me that was
in 1969 at Spruce Stock,
when "Blowing In The Snow"
was playing.
Holy mother
of May and December.
Ah! James, you can turn
around right this instant.
If Santa wants
to talk to me,
he can drag
his butt here himself.
This is not about Santa.
It's about this!
Uh, no idea what that means,
but it seems private.
I acted out
because I felt
trapped in my life.
A little
Claus-trophobic?
Yes!
I could kick
myself for never
thinking of that.
I felt so
sheltered
and useless.
I wanted to feel like
a young girl again.
-A young girl who sold hair?
-(Mrs. Claus sighs)
My father,
Leonard Senior,
was a barber,
and every night we'd peddle
the day's shavings to the poor
for them to use for pillow
and mattress stuffings,
and hair dolls.
I came from nothing,
and then, grew up
to have everything,
and still feel like
I wasted my life.
(singing)
Try to burn me
with deceit and lies ♪
'Cause in the end,
like a phoenix ♪
I'll rise ♪
Dave-Pierre! Dave-Pierre!
Hello? I need some advice.
How do I make big changes to--
Hey Huh?
-What the hell?
-I left Santa
because he's the worst,
and I moved in
with Dave-Pierre,
and I have no regrets.
(chuckles)
This man's tongue was built
for giving women orgasms.
-(Mrs. Claus laughs)
-What can I say,
I've been blessed.
And I came here
as a safe haven to vent
about how much Santa sucks.
Oh my god.
Is this anger because he
didn't pick me as Successor?
You guys,
I'm moved!
That is not
the whole story.
Don't you dare
be moved by me!
Well, Jingle Jim,
I do dare.
And guess what?
I have a plan to take
that fucker down.
I am going to start
a revolution of one.
My allies may despise me,
but I alone can
single-handedly fix
this deceptively
adorable empire!
Uh clap now.
Oh, Candy, this is
exactly what tripped
you up with Successor.
You thought
you could do it
all by yourself.
You can't make this
kind of change alone.
You need us.
And everyone.
All of the workers
oppressed by Santa Inc.
As much as it pains
me to be nice to you,
you're the person
to lead it, Candy.
People rooted for you
to be the next Santa.
Despite that annoying,
high-pitched voice of yours,
-I believe they'll
listen to you.
-No, they won't!
I was an asshole,
and everyone despises me.
What could ever change that?
-You could apologize to them.
-He's right!
Women are always
apologizing.
You should be
good at that!
Yeah, well, it's not
that easy, Mrs. Claus.
-I mean, I tried with Goldie.
It just made it worse.
-Try harder.
Jesus, this new
Mrs. Claus is pushy.
But, yeah,
let's do this!
Together!
(all cheering)
(crying)
I'm sorry.
You know, I did things
I never thought I would do
to become the next Santa.
I keep thinking about
the South Pole trip.
You know, how happy
I was when everyone said
I was "one of the guys."
It was so weird
and off-brand,
but I didn't
wanna say anything.
You were so psyched.
So, I just talked shit
about you with Goldie later.
All I want now is
to be one of the girls.
-Too bad Goldie still hates me.
-I know.
I heard about your fight.
It sounds ugly,
but I've been going
through a lot myself.
Tomorrow, I'm quitting
my job at the factory.
But this is what
you always wanted,
a baby, a husband, a career,
a, a premature ham--
You have a career,
or had one.
I stare into space,
stirring a bunch
of melted sugar.
When Fun Size tried
to assassinate his babysitter,
I realized he's not happy,
and neither am I.
I missed his first steps.
Is it really worth missing
my kid's whole childhood?
Ah, it sounds like
the right move.
But can you hold on
a little longer?
I, I need your help.
Ooh, you know how
I love being needed.
What is going on?
I can't get into it,
but do me a favor,
and bring the factory
women to a meeting.
It's on Thanksgiving.
I don't know, Candy.
I wanna be home
for the holidays.
I already promised
Craig I'd hang out
while he made a dry turkey
for his horrible family.
Did I tell you
his sister's dating
an ornament?
Everyone's freaking
out about it.
I get it. I do.
But just please
think about it.
It's not just about me
and my ego this time,
I promise.
So, I wanted to apologize
for how I, uh
manipulated the situation
at the golf course.
I'm, uh,
sorry, Junior.
Oh, Candy.
If you thought coming here
and apologizing to me
would mean I'd stop being
a rude asshole to you,
you're wrong.
Now I'm going
to be a rude, vengeful
asshole, Tiny Brain.
What's that supposed to mean?
"Duh what's
'Tiny Brain' mean?"
Elves have tiny brains,
and lady elves have the tiniest.
I used to know
your mother,
so I know.
You did?
I, I had no idea--
All women are whores,
and all elves are trash,
and all women elves
are trashy whores.
So, I do not
accept your apology,
you trashy whore elf!
-(Junior grunts)
-Wow, that guy is fucked up.
Look, I know we've had
a complicated relationship,
and I-I'm sorry
I betrayed you all.
Come on, Candy.
I'm rich.
I don't give two shits
about anything anymore.
Mom, do you forgive me?
I will
when you call all
the Board members,
and recommend me as a mistress.
Here's some talking points.
"My mom never met
a shaft she couldn't crank,
but, beware, Big Candy
may cause extreme horniness."
-Fine. Tony?
-I might be covered
in bling, yeah,
but I still feel like
shit because of you.
Why didn't anyone tell us
money doesn't bring happiness?
I feel like it's a pretty
common thing you hear a lot.
I don't care.
It sucks!
There's only one thing
I want from you, Candy,
and only then will
we be cool again.
(singing)
If there is nothing
under the tree ♪
Don't be sad ♪
You'll always have me ♪
Me, me, me, me ♪
(guitar riffs)
Me ♪
Y-You'll always have me,
and that's a promise.
That was truly beautiful.
Like, really, Tony.
I mean, the previous
20 songs were garbage,
but
you know, you're like
a monkey at a typewriter.
Every so often
you get it right.
Well, we all know
I love monkeys,
so, huh
-Thanks, Sis.
-Love you, bro.
It's taken 20 years,
but I'm glad we cleared the air.
-(flatulence)
-(all laughing)
Santa:
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Glad you could
make it, Almonds.
I feel like
I need some counsel.
You know,
I, I hope I didn't take
you away from your family.
Well, my quadruplets
are only nine months.
They'll retain no memory
of the abandonment,
and my husband
is a sociopath.
He feels nothing.
In other words,
all good!
Do you think
I've changed
over the years?
Have I stopped caring
about what's important?
Santa,
you're fuckin' fine.
Women suck.
Candy sucks,
your wife sucks.
My mother was a fuckin' monster.
She told me my nose made me
look like a fuckin' freak,
and made me paint it
with nail polish to hide it!
The only woman who
I thought was cool
was a tiny-brained elf
I loved who rejected me
for a coal miner!
Me?! I fuck
human models!
Are you talking about Big Candy?
She was the love of your life?!
Wow, Sherlock Holmes
just crashed our dinner.
Now fuck off, B-Team.
Oh, god.
Junior sucks.
This is turning
into the creepiest
Thanksgiving
of my life.
I'll take care of this.
So, uh
ding, ding, ding.
I'd like to make
a holiday toast.
Uh, in the immortal words
of my fourth-grade teacher,
Mr. Joopy, who was later
arrested for dating a student,
"If no one else will let
you sit at their lunch table,
there's always room at mine."
Hey, hey did you see
my new barracuda fish?
The Board got them for me
as a Successor pick bonus.
They glow
in the dark
all the time.
It's like watching
a bunch of cell phones
float around in a tank.
(mischievous music plays)
(indistinct chatter)
Uh, hi, hey.
Can I have everyone's attention?
(coughs)
Hi! Keep talking, keep talking.
Friends, co-workers, and family,
thank you so much
for being here.
I'm gonna say this
plain and simple,
we are all sick of the shit
that goes on at Santa Inc.
So, let's change things!
Who's with me?
I've been forced
to sit my partridge ass
in this goddamn
pear tree for 20 years
with a debilitating
pear allergy
just because
of some stupid song!
Are you aware of what sores
looks like on a partridge?!
Because they do not
look like regular sores!
-They look like this!
-Oh my god, my eye holes!
I complained to all
the department heads,
but no one ever cared!
Every time I pick mistletoe,
I get sexually assaulted.
Turtle doves are being
replaced with tortoise doves,
and no one says anything!
What are you gonna do?
Listen, listen!
I have a plan,
and it is going
to blow your minds.
(all cheering)
(light music playing)
If there is nothing
under the tree ♪
Don't be sad,
you'll always have me ♪
Me, me, me, me ♪
(guitar riffs)
Don't be sad,
you'll always have me ♪
Y-You'll always have me.